The Photograph
More answers mean more questions. A letter to Uncle Haymitch
It hurts to go, but it hurts more to stay. Katniss bids goodbye for now to Little Duck.
P.S. Suzanne Collins owns The Hunger Games Trilogy.
21 December
Dear Uncle Haymitch,
The keys to the old house are with this letter. I've put everything back in order, and the house is ready for rental in case we get new workers in town.
I'm going back to North China to track down the Amur snow leopard hybrid and have bought only a one-way ticket for now. I will be back for Prim's graduation, but until then, I've decided to live in another place away from here. There are just too many painful memories here. I feel like I can't breathe.
I still can't believe what you told me about my mother and father two nights ago. I remembered yesterday that I was at home when Mother abruptly came home from her training in Chicago. She wasn't supposed to be home for a month, so it surprised all of us, most especially my father. That night I woke up to the sounds of her crying in their bedroom. My father was quiet, and it was only my mother who was talking. I got up from my bed, wanting to see what was happening, but then Prim woke up from my movement. She told me to leave them alone because our mother was probably just crying happy tears. I believed her then, but now I know that I was wrong. That night, my mother confessed to my father. That she had an affair with a younger man while she was away. That she broke their marriage vow.
I didn't hear my father scream or say angry words at her that night. He just kept silent while Mother cried until she fell asleep.
My poor father. He did nothing else but love my mother with all his heart, only to be repaid with infidelity. He worked hard to provide for us and make Mother happy and content. But she broke his heart. And now, even in her grave, she is hurting us all over again with her past.
Why did Father forgive her? I know you already gave me his answer but still, I can't find myself accepting it. You said that Father did it for Prim and me and because he still loved my mother. How could he love her the same way after what she did? And how could Mother ask that from him? She hurt him. She betrayed his trust. She didn't deserve my father's love after that.
I hate my mother all the more. I don't know which hurts deeper - finding out about her affair long ago or her withdrawal from us when Father died. Either way, she didn't choose us. Prim might be more understanding of her, she's the only good among us.
Katniss
21 December
Dear Prim,
I'm sorry, Little Duck because I'm leaving again. I tried to stay, to process things after reading Peeta's letters, but I'm going out of my mind here. I can't stay in Virginia anymore.
Everything still hurts. All my emotions are conflicting, and I am very tired.
My mind and my heart are betraying me. Every night in the past two weeks, my dreams were flooded with Peeta. Our days together in the woods, his kind smiles, the touch of his hand on mine, ... a kiss. I fight not to think of him, but images of him come back to me, grabbing my heart and squeezing it tight. It hurts so much to love him still, Prim. Why did it have to be him?
Everything in this town reminds me of Peeta, Little Duck. This is why I need to go away. I can't move on because he is everywhere. In the dandelions that grow on the meadows, in the lake where he first told me he loved me, in the kitchen where he often stays because he was trying to make the perfect cheese buns for me. His scent still lingers in my sheets no matter how much I wash them.
In the past year, we've quickly and intricately weaved our lives together. The tangles come to the fore now, trapping me like prey caught on a snare. I dreamt once of a future with him. Children, Prim. Our children in the meadows once came to me in my sleep.
How could he have such an effect on me like that? I hate to say it, but I must have loved him a lot.
But I can't act on this. I can't love him, Prim. I can't love Peeta like I used to. I'm so mad at him.
I hate what he and Mother did. But I can't completely hate him while also loving him. Work will be good for me. I have to leave Virginia and throw myself at my craft to forget Peeta. To maybe begin to heal. Forgiveness? I don't know if I could find that. Right now, I don't want to. You know I am not the forgiving type.
Don't worry too much about me, Little Duck. This is good. Leaving is good for me. It will help me forget.
I will be back at your graduation. I would never miss it for the world. You are the only remaining bright light in my life, Little Duck. You are the one that always makes me happy.
Love,
Your big sister
Thank you so much for reading. Comments are much appreciated.