Part Five
Not again.
Tsubaki shook her head to clear her mind. She brushed away the tears and tried to determine which direction Tonami went.
You aren't walking away from this one again.
"Where did you go, damn you." She muttered under her breath. She decided that the best course of action would be to search every inch of the school -- if she had to. She headed for Tonami's classroom.
Tsubaki ignored the concerned looks on her classmates and teammates faces when she passed them in the corridor. She didn't care that her eyes were puffy from crying or that her nose and cheeks were probably all red.
What mattered was finding Tonami.
She slid the door to his classroom open. She gasped when she saw him leaning on the windowsill and staring at the sky. Truth was, she hadn't expected to find him here.
This is important. This is important. She repeated the words to herself as she walked towards him.
Tonami failed to notice Tsubaki's approach. He was trying to make sense of the riot of emotions that raced through his head and heart.
"There you are."
Her voice penetrated his mind. Tonami's head snapped to face her, his eyes narrowed. "What are you doing here?"
She gave him a crooked smile. "I'm glad...I found you here. I was beginning to think I had to run around the entire campus to find you."
He didn't smile back. ""Well, now you've found me. What do you want?"
"To talk to you. I want to talk to you."
He snorted. "Funny. I thought we included everything in our last conversation."
Tsubaki shook her head. "There were things that I said that --"
He didn't give her a chance to finish. "Listen. I don't know what game you're playing with me, but I'm through playing it."
He sighed and started to leave. "I just can't keep up with you anymore."
No. Don't go. I'm sorry. No. Don't leave me. Her mind was screaming with all the things that she wanted to say, but her pride -- wounded by his indifference, made it impossible for her to utter the words. "Coward." She hissed as he walked past her.
He flinched, but made no move to react.
She whispered again, this time, to herself. "Coward."
* * *
"Tonami? Tonami Takefumi!"
Tonami jumped from his seat. He could hear some of his classmates snicker and whisper as he turned red.
"I won't repeat the question again, Tonami."
Tonami bowed low. "I'm sorry, sir."
The teacher nodded and called on another student.
"That was close."
He tried to concentrate on the discussion. Stop thinking about her, damn you. He stared at the wall clock -- willing time to go faster. He wanted to leave; he needed to leave. The thought of Tsubaki Sakura being a few classrooms away drove him crazy. With anger? With yearning? Or both?
When the dismissal bell finally went off, he hurriedly stood up and knocked over his chair in the process. Get a hold of yourself. After picking up the chair and making sure that he hadn't broken it, he turned to leave the classroom.
Tsubaki Sakura was outside waiting for him. She stared sadly at the open door of his classroom, wanted nothing more than to go to him. She looked at him, silently pleading with him with her eyes, fighting back the tears.
He stood there for a moment, within the refuge of his classroom. She was the one who wanted it this way. All I wanted was to be with her.
He looked around his classroom and discovered he was the last person there. He took his time walking to the doorway, his eyes never leaving hers. She needs to know what it's like to need... to need so badly.
Tsubaki's heart buoyed with hope as he was walking towards her. He's going to forgive me. She frowned as he stood in front of her, the doorway separating them. Her heart sank as she looked at his face and at his cold expression.
When the door slid close between them, Tsubaki knew that her foolishness and arrogance had cost her the most important person in her life.
* * *
Tsubasa glared at Tsubaki with disapproval. She studied her friend's despondent face -- her eyes were puffy from crying and there were dark circles underneath.
"Have you been getting enough sleep?"
Tsubaki shook her head. She looked at the bento that Rika had prepared for her. "I really don't feel like eating this." She pushed the tray away from her.
Rika and Aya exchanged worried looks. They knew Tsubaki had not eaten for the past two days.
"I made the roast pork with sesame just for you. I know it's your favorite."
Tsubaki smiled weakly at Rika. "I just don't feel like eating."
Aya stood up and slammed her fists on the table. "This is ridiculous! We can take the episodes of crying and the sleeplessness but you at least have to eat. We are not leaving this table until you take one bite." She pushed the tray back at Tsubaki.
Tsubaki sighed. Past experience had shown that they were just as stubborn as she was. She knew she had to give in to her friends -- she was too drained to argue with any of them.
She picked up her chopsticks and took the smallest piece of pork. She hadn't realized how hungry she was. Not long after, she was eating the lunch with gusto.
"Now that we've got you eating again, we can deal with your insomnia."
"Just because I gave in on the food, doesn't mean I'm going to agree to everything, Aya." Tsubaki said in between bites.
Aya raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Aya is right. We're worried about you and we want what's best for you." Rika poured a cup of cocoa from her thermos and handed it to Tsubaki. "Please allow us help you."
Tsubaki gratefully took the cup and drank the cocoa. "I think I'm beyond help."
Tsubasa shook her head. "No you're not. What we have experienced right now is a minor setback -- something that can be easily remedied."
Tsubaki snorted. "Easy for you to say."
Tsubasa leaned over until her face was a few inches away from Tsubaki's. "As a matter of fact, it is."
I always say the wrong thing.
Tsubaki looked at Tsubasa. She knew that Tsubasa was also having problems with her stepbrother, Kazuma. They loved each other deeply but, because they were stepsiblings, they couldn't do anything about it. "I'm sorry."
Tsubasa patted her hand. "It's not your fault. There's nothing we can do about that. But, your problem is something we can solve."
Deep down, Tsubaki was hoping she was right.
* * *
Tonami managed to avoid bumping into Tsubaki for the past few days -- not that it improved his situation.
He discovered, with some bitter irony, how hyper-aware he was of Tsubaki's proximity in the school. He couldn't explain it to himself but, now that they were no longer seeing each other, he felt her presence more strongly.
One time, during gym, while he was waiting for his turn to play, he found himself thinking about her -- he could see her so vividly in his mind: the graceful, yet athletic way she played volleyball; the way she walked; the way she tucked her hair behind her ear...
He missed her.
He accepted that fact sadly. It was a heavy burden on his heart. He couldn't believe he let his pride get in the way of them being together.
He last saw her a week ago when they had that devastating fight. He still winced at the memories of that afternoon in his classroom.
I don't know how to get her back. I don't know if I want her back.
The days that followed their argument, he took stock of his feelings. He had felt such pain only one other time in his life -- the time before he left for Okinawa and Tsubaki told him her reasons for being friends with him.
She causes me such pain when I'm with her.
And yet, without her -- why does her absence hurt me more?
Time was all he had left now.
It had taken him three years to figure out what to do with Tsubaki the first time. He was hoping it wouldn't take as long this time around.
* * *
"Hey, Asapin. Have you noticed how quiet and distant Tonami has been lately?"
Asaba first looked at Arima, as though to ask permission before turning to face Yukino. "Come to think of it, he hasn't been insulting you as often these days."
Yukino whacked Asaba's arm. "Dummy! I'm serious. He doesn't hang out with us anymore but, I see him around and he looks so... unhappy. Arima, what do you think?"
Tonami Takefumi was not Arima's favorite topic of conversation, especially with his girlfriend.
"I guess he's taking his separation from Tsubaki hard. It's been over a week now, hasn't it?"
"I wonder if there's anything we can do to help."
Arima couldn't keep the irritation from his voice. "I don't want you to interfere in their business. If you're going to help someone, shouldn't you help Tsubaki? She's your friend."
Arima paused. He realized he had just raised his voice at Yukino. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off like that."
Yukino smiled and placed her hand over his. "Don't be. I like it that you're being honest about your feelings." She gave his hand a squeeze. "You don't have anything to worry about it, though. You're the one I love."
Asaba groaned at his friends' display of affection. "I can't believe I'm seeing this! Hey, you two, cut it out. We're supposed to be talking about Tsubaki and Tonami, remember?"
Yukino blushed at Asaba's stern reminder. "Sorry about that. So, how can we help them both?"
Arima smiled at Yukino. She's so kind-hearted and her intentions are always so sincere. I'm such an undeserving, jealous fool. "You can talk to them. Try to find out what they're thinking."
Yukino clapped her hands. "That's an excellent idea. I'll go see if I can talk to Tonami." She stood up and blew a kiss at Arima before running off.
Asaba waited until Yukino was safely out of hearing distance before turning to Arima. "Are you okay about this?"
"I guess so."
"Just remember, Tonami Takefumi is not in love with your girlfriend but with your girlfriend's friend. That's pretty obvious."
"And Yukino loves me."
Asaba snorted in mock disgust. "Even I know that."
* * *
Somehow her reflexes weren't as quick as they usually were. Tsubaki watched the ball zing pass her. She turned to her teammates and mumbled an apology.
"What's the matter, Tsubaki? Your mind doesn't seem to be on this training game. Are you okay?"
No, I'm not and I wish people would just stop asking me if I am. Tsubaki wiped her forehead with her wristband and smiled at her coach. "I just have a lot on my mind right now. I'll do better in the next game."
Tsubaki's volleyball coach shook her head. "No, I think you've had enough for today. You should go home and get some rest. We have a big game coming up and I don't want to have a team captain who'll fall asleep on me."
She hurriedly stuffed her things into her gym bag and waved goodbye to her teammates before leaving the gym.
The air was balmy. It was truly summer. She could hear the crickets chirp in the background. I guess I'll take the train home.
Usually, after volleyball practice, she was too energized with adrenaline that she walked home. Lately, she felt weak and lethargic. This is just a phase. I'm sure I'll be back to normal in a day or two.
As she walked to the station, she thought about everything that had happened to her. I am such an idiot! She missed Tonami. She had tried to convince herself that this was not the case but she knew she was fighting a losing battle against herself. She missed him deeply and desperately.
I would give anything to see him right this minute.
She heard footsteps behind her. Her breath suddenly got caught in her throat. She quickly turned around, expecting to see him.
It wasn't Tonami.
Her shoulders sagged and her feet dragged themselves as she made her way to the train station. Who was I kidding? He never wants to see me again.
Of their own accord, tears started to trickle down her face. She silently cursed herself as she briskly rubbed her eyes dry. What's happened to me? She looked at the crumpled handkerchief in her hand. I never cry.
"I'm a mess." She was too embarrassed to take the train now. Guess I'll have to walk home.
She remembered what she said to him. Don't expect me to fall into pieces for you. She laughed bitterly. Stupid Tsubaki. You didn't know what you were saying then. Of course you would fall into pieces for him. You love him.
"I love him."
So why was I so resistant to our relationship? Why did I push him away like that?
She knew the answer -- because she was scared of getting hurt; because she was scared of letting people into her heart.
And look at what I've done to myself. "God, I'm pathetic."
She didn't want to give up on Tonami. She wanted him back.
But does he want me in return?
She wished she knew -- it would make things much easier to accept and deal with if she knew how he felt.
* * *
Tonami watched her exit the gym. He frowned and looked at his watch. Tsubaki's leaving volleyball practice early today. I wonder why.
Yukino had cornered him at lunch that day and demanded to know what was happening between him and Tsubaki. Even after he had rudely told her to mind her own business, Yukino managed to prod him to talk.
I've never seen two more miserable people. Why can't the two of you just see that you long for one another? Yukino's words kept coming back to him for the rest of the afternoon.
Does she really miss me?
He had to find out for himself. He stealthily followed her as she walked home -- glad that it was late enough for him to be able to hide in the shadows when necessary.
He was nearly found out when Tsubaki abruptly turned around. Tonami had managed to run to the alley before she spotted him.
From the distance, he tried to study her. She doesn't seem to be affected by any of this. Maybe Yukino was making it all up.
And then she started crying.
She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and started to cry. Her slender shoulders shook with her sobs, her hands covering her face.
What do I do?
He wanted to walk over to her and take her in his arms. He wanted to comfort her and tell her to stop crying.
Instead, he stood there and silently watched her.
~ to be continued