Wanders: Ascension
By Eve
Interlude: Past Demons
New Haven, England
Paci Sub-west Division
A.C 202
8 February
Why do we write memories down on paper? What
is the actual purpose served? Why do people need
to know what others have suffered in silence?
Questions, unanswered questions that we always
ask but never acquire an answer for. Either that
or we receive more than bargain for. Everything
and anything has an unattainable question. Or so
it seems...
To understand.
Infinite knowledge and wisdom. People crave for a
chance to contain each and everything, stating virtuous
reasons. Craving and wanting was what started all this.
The drive for power was what was at fault.
She stood at the window of Alex's holding cell. Her
eyes closed. Oh my baby brother, she thought. Why
did you get caught up in this big mess? She sighed,
bring up her hand clenched as a fist to the glass
window.
Memories...
The pains of memories...
//A small six-year old red head stood at the corner of the
wire fence watching the new "Untouchables" entered. People
who wore meager clothing were led in first. The nasty soldier
usually let them wander around the gate and then take them
to the back to be shot. They would laugh and jeer sometimes,
causing the elderly, the majority to cry and tremble. She
shook. The soldiers were so mean sometimes.
The wind blew harshly in her face. Pain or coldness didn't
hurt anymore. Natasha said it was because of the tests the
mean soldiers did to her and also because she was used to it.
Natasha also said that they were going to get liberated soon.
Unless the mean people killed them first... She watched as
a long black car pulled up to the gate. A tall beautiful blonde
woman stepped out. She shivered at the lack of warmth.
Catherine winced when she heard the screaming inside the car.
It was normal for kids from the rich families to scream. Who
wouldn't want to be in this place anyway? Her fists clenched
the sharp wire of the fence as she watched in fascination as the
woman pulled a young boy along to the registration building
or the 'Gateway to Hell' as Natasha called it.
Natasha also said once someone came in their lives would
never be the same...//
Her hands were shaking. Her eyes closed tightly.
Memories were like drugs. You didn't want to
need them. Unfortunately, they are the core of
humanity's essential makeup.
"Cat?"
She turned to see Merian standing behind her, eyes
etched in worry. Merian moved next to her at the
window. "Are you okay?"
She was silent for moment. Was she okay? In the
context of things, was she okay? "I," she began.
"I don't honestly know."
Merian nodded in understanding. The girl too had
her fair share in painful memories. "Are you going
to talk to him?"
She shook her head violently. "I can't. I can't even
make it through the door. He's my brother. My.
Baby. Brother. The baby brother who I saw walk
through the gates of the prison camp and who I
thought for the last seven years was dead..."
"It's not your fault, Cat..."
Tears filled her eyes and she slammed her fist against the glass
window. "Goddamn it, yes it is! I should have been there for
him. I could have been there for him. He is my baby brother
and I promised to watch him..."
//As the screaming boy was led to the showers, Catherine turned
back to watching the road. It made the pain inside of her go away
sometimes. Sitting and watching, watching and sitting. She was
too young to work in the mines, according to Natasha. This was
all she could do. She watched as the pretty woman stopped and
turned around to stare at her. Catherine cocked her head in
curiosity. The pretty woman had an almost horrified look on her
face.
"Catherine... Oh god, my Catherine..."
Catherine backed up slowly. Who was the pretty woman? Was
she supposed to know her? The woman's long fiery red hair blew
fiercely in the wind. Her green eyes were pleading with her.
Speaking in English, the woman said:
"I'm not going to hurt you little one..."//
She felt Merian's hand on her shoulder. She
watched as Alexi continued to pace back and
forth, yelling and then muttering to himself. "I
promised her, Mer. It was the one time my
mother actually saw me as a..."
//"... You are my daughter," she said softly. There
were tears in the pretty lady's eyes. "You are my
daughter... My beautiful daughter..."
Catherine slowly walked towards the fence. "Ma..ma."
The pretty woman choked and tears were pouring down
her cheeks. Catherine reached out and touched her face.
The pretty woman who said she was her mother closed
her eyes. She wondered why she was crying.
"Protect him," she said, her voice choking. "Protect
Alexi. He is your brother."
"B... Brother?"//
"I promised her," she whispered brokenly. "I
promised her and I didn't even understand the
concept of the woman on the other side being
my mother. The woman that gave me up on a
silver platter for status... Fucking status!"
Merian turned and leaned against the widow, her
eyes closed. She reminded Cat of the Pilot of 05,
always having a serious and almost serene way of
contemplating things. But with Merian however it
was different. She seemed to be more confident
about her ability. Her eyes opened, green
piercing violet urging for calmness.
"You met her at a time where she realized the
graveness of her mistakes. Everyone was at the
time... Maybe the situation was out of her control
when she gave you up and became productively
worse when she had Alexi... At least she showed
you that she..."
//"...I love you. I know I never got the chance, but..." Her
mama stuck her fingers through the fence. "My baby girl, I
love you."
She quickly withdrew her hands as she saw the approaching
soldier motion for her to back off. Her mother took one last
look at her and blew her a kiss.
Her tiny arm reached to the air, holding her palm out as if
she really did catch the kiss.
"I promise, ma...ma... I promise."//
She turned to Merian. "I can't," she began, her voice
pleading and full of fatigue. "I can't be the first to
turn."
**
The rain was pouring down hard on the windowpane as
Emma looked out into the turbulent waters. She
shuddered. They should be home, she thought. The war
has been over for years.
"You know the reason they were called again, Emma. And
I'm proud. You masked your emotions well and I was
impressed by their performance."
Her body tensed.
"Come to give me the pre-meeting pep talk, Charles?" She
spat out venomously.
"Emma, you know you are not their mother."
Her eyes narrowed. It was amazing how much she despised
the tall silver-haired man in front of her. It was disgusting,
the way his black Armani suit glistened crease-less at any
movement. Or the way his gray rimmed glasses sat perfectly
on the tip of his nose. He was completely arrogant and an all
around asshole.
She suppressed the urge to break his nose.
"First of Charles, it is Dr. Peterson to you. I am the only
family figure they have had in years. So to rebuke your
atrocious statement that I will erase from my mind, I am
their mother. And another thing 'they' have names."
He chuckled. "Ah Emma dear you still have that lovely
temper of yours. Are you and your girls ready for the
meeting on next Thursday? We have quite the guest list..."
"Guest list?" she asked suspiciously.
"Yes, my dear. The leader of UESA himself and his lovely wife..."
Her breathing stopped.
Lucrezia Noin-Peacecraft and Millardo Peacecraft...
Oh God...
"Oh and we've decided to enlist the help of the Gundam
pilots. The efficiency of our girls and their skills plus the
Gundam pilots will take care of our problem."
She growled. "You son of a bitch! You know what is going
to happen..."
He held up his hand. "Emma, we need them to turn fast. The
solution will be easier this way."
"Goddamn it, Charles! Turn them! You want to make them
suffer what they were in the past? Emotionless on the outside,
but falling apart in the inside? Each girl was falling apart inside.
How many times did each girl attempt suicide? Were you there
to see the look of pain come across their eyes?"
"They are older now, Emma."
She was silent for a moment and looked back outside. The winds
had picked up now, creating an almost terrifying atmosphere.
"You are bringing in the wrong people into this, Charles. You
and the whole council have no idea how idea how far this might
go."
"You're giving me a warning," he exclaimed incredulously.
She looked up at him, brushing a strand of her own silvery-white
hair out of her face.
"We are doing exactly what they want us to do."
"What's that, my love?"
She sighed, her eyes sparkling with anger.
"We are falling back into the demons of the past."
**
It was an extraordinary painting, her best work yet. Swirls and
swirls of endless colors created a scenic picture of anguish. The
blues, the black, and the reds all formed what she was feeling
now. She gripped the dripping silver paintbrush, the cool metal
slicing her skin. She lifted her hand up and watched in a morbid
fascination as her ivory hand bled. Death would so appealing right
now. She studied the sharp edge of the paintbrush. The silver
gleamed brightly taunting her, calling her to do it once more...
End it, her mind urged. End it now.
She raised the blade over her wrist, slowly lowering
to her skin.
"Dee?"
She whirled around to be faced with Relena's dark
blue eyes. She felt the tears she had been holding
back all day. "I can't..." she choked out. "I can't talk
to him. I can't even fucking look at him. Why? Why
is he alive?"
Relena slowly took the bladed paintbrush from her
hand and set it aside. She then took Dorothy into
her arms. She began sob violently. "I loved him, Rellie.
I loved him with everything I could give. That isn't him
in the cell. This is all a dream. This is all a horrible,
horrible fucking dream. I'm going to wake up soon..."
Dorothy began to sob harder. She was going insane all
these emotions were slamming into her at once,
suffocating her. She pushed herself away from Relena.
She was trembling.
"I hate this!"
She felt her rage starting to build up. Sadness and anger.
Anger and sadness. It was an everlasting cycle she went
through. Dorothy whirled around to stare at her painting,
totally forgetting Relena's presence.
//"Vousavez le beaucoup de talent, petite-fille (1). You should
consider putting your work out. It's absolutely mon beau!(2)"
She was silent, not knowing how to respond to her grandmother's
comments.
"Mercí grand-mére.(3)" Her grandmother looked at her and
placed a hand on her shoulder. "It'll get better petite-fille(4).
I can't stand see you this way. I will help you rid of the pain..."//
But she didn't, she thought with anger. She didn't do
anything. With a fluid movement and sudden strength,
she threw her new painting to the ground. She also
began to pull all the paint bottles down, color after
color spewing onto the floor.
"Dee, love..."
Her heart was pounding deeply inside her rib cage, adrenaline
pumping itself in large, immense quantities through out her
body. It felt good doing damage. She felt her mind telling her
that it was dangerously good to do some damage.
And then the tears began to fall once more.
//"It's beautiful my love. But do I really look like that?"
Dorothy grinned at Alexi slapping him playfully. "Jerk. I'm
taking back all the nice things I ever said about you then." His
arms circled her waist and he pulled her closer to her. She loved
this, she thought with a blissful sigh. "It is beautiful," he said
softly into her ear. "You have a wonderful talent my élevé
beau.(5)That is why I love you so. You never cease to amaze me."
Her response was to only snuggle deeper into his embrace.//
"I loved him. Alexi was the only thing I could make
sense of. He was my angel..."
With new and replenished rage, she smashed the mirror
next to her. She needed to feel pain or anything for that
matter. She was about to throw her ruined painting out
her window when she felt a strong hand grip her shoulder.
"Dee, stop."
Her eyes closed as she remembered Relena was still in her
room. She let Relena lead her over to a chair, while she sat
across from her.
"Don't take your anger level to the extreme. It'll only hurt
you more."
"I can't even feel anything. I don't have any sense of
perspective. Je suis mort. (6)"
A soft sigh came from Relena. She rubbed her face gently with
her hands. Dorothy noticed how tired the other girl looked.
"There's going to be an official declaration of war on Monday."
Dorothy looked up, the sadness in Relena's voice evident. She
had seen her friend look like this on some occasions, but it was
almost like she was lost in her own mind.
"I'll get to the point." Her dark blue eyes met Dorothy's green
eyes. "Someone needs to talk to Alexi."
Her breath caught.
//"I'm leaving tomorrow, Alexi," she said quietly. He looked at her, his
face expressionless. "I know. Cat told me." Her eyes closed. She wanted to
scream at him about why he was making this goodbye to be so hard. She
wrapped her arms around herself, not knowing what else to say. The
silence between them was getting unbearable.
"Alexi..."
"Don't say anything," he whispered harshly, suddenly grabbing her wrist
forcefully. She violently took herself out of his grip, crying out.
"What do you want me to do?" She cried out angrily. "You've known
since day one that I am a pilot. I have no choice in anything when it
comes to fighting. The council controls my life. They do the same thing
to your sister, Rellie, Hil, and Mer. I goddamn thirteen years old and I
feel like I'm fifty-two. I'm supposed to be worrying about high school and
my boyfriend. I'm supposed to be worried about my family. But I can't!
This war has been going on for the last thirteen years. I want a normal
life. I want to be able to love you. Hell, I'm not supposed to know what
love is..."
She began to sob uncontrollably not knowing what else to say or do.
"I love you," she whispered brokenly. "And I'd travel through the icy
plains of Siberia to hell if I had to. But you have to believe in me, Alex.
You're what keeps me grounded. You and grand-mére. (7)" //
She looked up at Relena and the other girl nodded in
understanding. Relena opened her arms and Dorothy
threw herself in them.
"It's not fair," she sobbed. "It's not fair."
Relena sighed and began to rub her back. "It's never fair.
Nothing is ever fair. You just have to tell yourself je ne
tournerai pas (7) and you will get through somehow."
She closed her eyes and sighed softly, standing up.
"Je ne tournerai pas."
**
"She okay?"
Hilde's voice greeting her as soon as she closed the
door to Dorothy's room.
She shrugged. "She tried to kill herself."
Silence came from Hilde as Relena leaned against the wall,
eyes closed. Rationality was fading fast from the scene. All
ready the council's intentions for them had been revealed,
but how, how were they going to handle this? Their
experiences had brought upon many more obstacles
that have yet to reveal themselves.
"You heard about the declaration?"
She nodded, opening her eyes. "I just told Dee. Sources
haven't said when it's going to be official yet."
"I thought it was Thursday."
She shook her head. "You never rely on the street sources
we have. Money can influence a lot of things. Where have
you been?"
"Around and about," Hilde replied with a wink, her facial
expression then turned serious. "I went for a walk. I had to
just re-immerse myself in the Austrian culture."
Relena grinned. "Did you go back to the nunnery again?"
"Oh yeah, hearing another lecture on why I'm being
condemned to hell is something I really need. If I
even walked into the cathedral, all the nuns would
pull out their wooden crosses and cry out St. so
and so help us! Right, real appealing to me."
"Now you know why agnosticism appeals to me," Relena
said with a laugh.
The two girls walked down the corridor in silence. It was
comfortable for the both of them. They had been friends
for so long, that there was no need for words. Each girl
just knew now was not the time to talk.
"Girls?"
And by the tone of the voice behind them, they knew they
had to stop. A feeling in Relena rose.
They were walking deeper into hell.
**
She had watched them all grow up, Dorothy, Merian,
Catherine, Hilde, and Relena. She had seen them
through the tears and the pain, the rise and then the
fall. Yet, the concept that amazed her the most was
that they still found someone way to defy the odds.
They had never been ordinary. In fact, they had been
beyond ordinary.
"Doc?"
She snapped out of her thoughts. "Sorry girls, my mind
has been pretty occupied today."
Hilde looked at her with concern, but then her expression
changed. She sighed. "I don't know how much more bad
news I can take, Doc. Por qué ahora? (8)"
Relena slapped her on the arm. "Be nice, love." Hilde rolled
her eyes. "Sí, mamá."
"Whore."
"Bitch."
"Pain in the ass."
"Slut."
"Girls, please..."
"Butthole."
"Joe..."
"Girls..."
"Joe? Who the hell and what type of comeback is Joe?"
"Randomness, love. Pure randomness."
"GIRLS!"
"Lo siento."
"Sorry."
Peterson shook her heard. Some things would never
change. "Girls," she began with a sigh. "Girls, you've
been ordered to work with the gundam pilots if there
is an official declaration of war on Thursday."
And the initial reaction from Hilde was:
"Fuck."
**
"The Jitsatsu Pilots?"
Zechs nodded. He was just as dumbfounded as the rest of them. He
had almost fell out of his chair when the head of the Universal
council had called him to say that the Jisatsu Pilots were willing to
help out in case the declaration of war fell through.
"Maxwell, I'm not lying to you."
He sighed running his hand through his hair. His girlfriend Lana
Emanuel, an ex-pilot for Oz spoke up quietly. "I thought they
were legends, created to give hope to the oppressed people."
Noin looked at the smaller woman. "You were in the war?"
Lana shook her head. "My family was protected. I was lucky."
Zechs turned and looked out the window. "What happened to
your family?"
"Mother and father dead. Brother missing in action, most
likely dead. I haven't seen him in years."
Zechs paled at the 'dead' part. It had almost been eight
years since... Noin seemed to reading his thoughts because
immediately she scolded him with her eyes.
'It's not your fault.'
But she didn't understand. It was his fault.
//"Relena..."
She held up her hand to silence him. "Not this time,
Millardo. No more..."//
"We have to be thankful," he suddenly began. "We have
to be thankful that they are willingly volunteering themselves
to help us. If they didn't we would be lost..."
Deep down though, Zechs had a feeling that they were
lost anyway.
**
"Are you going to talk to him?"
She bit her lip, tasting blood on the tip of her
tongue. She had been thinking of this for at
least five hours. Her mind had been occupied
with nothing but the past.
"I don't know," she began honestly. "But if you
can't handle it, Dee... I'll do it."
"Cat..."
She held up her hand and stated quietly. "Dorothy,
you tried to hurt yourself. I don't want to lose you
too. I can't lose any of you."
"Cat, I can handle it. I love hi--"
Catherine shook her head. "Dee, you don't love my
brother. It's in your eyes. I have no doubts that
you care for him, but you don't love my brother.
Not anymore at least."
Dorothy was quiet and she could see tears silently
pouring down her face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I do love him, but then I
don't. I don't know. I don't know any more..."
Catherine hugged her tightly. "You're like my sister,
Dee. I'm trying to help you out."
She nodded slowly. "I just... Fuck, I'm just messed up.
None of us exactly want to be here and we're all trying
to figure out how to handle us. The council didn't
exactly give us fair warning. I mean come on, years after
year we accumulated these personalities to protect our
identities and to protect our mission. We're all eventually
going to have an identity crisis."
"You think we're going to turn?"
Dorothy nodded. "I think we're going to fall back into our
old personalities faster than we think."
"Ye of little faith."
"No just finally facing reality." Catherine watched her look
down at her wrists. Large slashes could be seen across her
wrists.
"You think..."
She looked up. "I am from the depths of the flames, the
darkness and the damned. I am to spend eternity wandering,
feeding on the souls of others..."
Catherine held her breath as Dorothy stood.
"I am the Demoness."
She would be the first to turn.
**
The translation corner:
1) You have much talent, granddaughter
2) very beautiful
3) Thank you, grandmother
4) granddaughter
5) beautiful rose
6) I am dead
7) grandmother
8) I will not turn
*Author's Note: Thank you to all those who reviewed this
story. I appreciate them to the fullest extent. Thanks
especially to angelic1090 for her very flattering review.
I haven't had one of those in awhile. Going to make me
cocky one day...
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Simple as that.