Yuffie In
Wonderland
Chapter
3-Tweedledumbass and Tweedledimwit
By-Night_Stalker_Yuffie
Backstage…
Stage manager-Julia here she is.
Julia-That's wonderful is she all right?
Stage manager- (checks Yuffie's pulse) She's
unconscious we need a volunteer for CPR.
Julia-Oh Clouuud!
Cloud-NO!
Aeris-Come on Cloud you did it before and you can do it
again!
Cloud-That's the thing I don't want to do it again if I
have to do another CPR to an underage kid I'll…
Barret-Shuddup! C'mon git yer spiky ass up and help her
out ya have ta!
Scarlet-Kya haa haa Cloud don't do it you know you don't
want to.
Cloud- (glares) Maybe I should!
Julia- (nudges Scarlet) Good going Scarlet.
Scarlet-What are you talking about? I didn't use reverse
psychology on him I really don't want him to save her for 2 reasons. One:
The little bitch deserves to die and Two: I don't want to act in your
stupid play!!!
Julia-Oh it's just a short itsy bitsy little scene.
Cloud-Too bad Scarlet cause everyone's going to
participate like Julia said the show must go on!
Julia-Thanks Cloud.
Palmer-But you don't have to Cloud!
Scarlet-Like you said aren't you sick and tired of kissing
little girls!?
Tifa-Stop disencouraging him!
Cloud-I need you to turn me big again because if I give
her CPR like I am now then she'll eat me alive!
Julia-All right (searches her pockets) Hey where are my cornucopias?
Palmer-Muahahahaha.
Tifa- (glares at Palmer) Don't worry I always carry a
spare. (hands it to Julia)
Julia-Thanks Tiffany! Cloud do your thing!
Cloud- (turns big and gives CPR) This'll only take a few
minutes please escort the readers out of here they really don't want to imagine
that I am actually doing this.
Julia- (to readers) All right people git out! You'll
come back in…
Stage manager-Julia we have a problem one of
your actors has disappeared.
Julia-What? Who dares?
Everyone looks around at each other.
Stage manager-Scarlet is missing and she left
a note.
Julia-Give me that! (Reads the note) 'Dear Loser aka
Night_Stalker_Yuffie, I am not going to act in your stupid play so this is the
reason why I have run away. Don't lose despair! I know you've worked hard for
this crap so I gave you an understudy to take my place for Tweeedledee he
resembles Palmer more than I do. If you want to look for him I've locked him
inside the trunk to your left ta ta loser I hope the play goes well when I read
about it in the Shinra Enquirer. Sincerely yours, Scarlet P.S. I left all my
attire in the trunk as well kya haa haa' Oh that little bitch I can't
believe her. All right Aeris you have a key to everything so open the trunk.
Stage manager-Uh oh another one of your
actors has also mysteriously disappeared and also left a note. (hands over the
note)
Julia-Damn it I can't keep losing characters like this!
All right who is it now? (reads note) 'Dear Dumb female aka
Night_Stalker_Yuffie, I can't stand the pressures or as you call it the
pleasures of acting which is why I am dashing off to a better place. I know you
worked extra hard for this so I'm giving you an understudy to take my place as
Tweedledum . She looks so much like Scarlet if you want to look for her she's
unconscious yet still living inside the closet of my dressing room. I knew you
would understand you're the best I hope to read about it with Scarlet in the
Shinra Enquirer muahahahaha. Have a nice day or should I say have a nice play.
Sincerely yours, Palmer P.S. the clothes are in the closet' Damn it! Ok you
know what to do Tiffany go to the closet and get Palmer's understudy.
Tifa-Got it! And stop calling me Tiffany!!!
Aeris returns with Scarlet's understudy and everyone
gasps.
Barret-Grr it's Heidegger!
Heidegger-That's me all right!
Tifa comes back with Palmer's understudy and everyone
except the Turks seem surprised.
Rude-Hmph Elena!
Elena-This is so NOT fair!
Cloud-All right Yuffie's back!
Julia-Great!
Stage manager-And so is the audience!
Julia-Even more wonderful! Places everyone get ready
Elena and Heidegger. (to the reader) Oh by the way since my two chicken shit
sad excuse for actors ran away, Elena will take place of Palmer for Tweedledum
and Heidegger shall play Tweedledee…I hope this isn't any bother. (To Cloud) I
gotta turn you short again Cloudy boy if you want I'll make you reach Tifa's
boobies.
Tifa- (jumps high) ALL RIGHT!!!
Cloud-Sure why not if Tifa's happy with it then so am I.
Julia turns Cloud short again but this time he reaches her
boobs.
*Audience gathers and takes their seating areas.*
Julia-Ladies and gentleman we're back!
*Audience stays silent*
Julia-Come on people make some noise!
*Audience takes out their super soakers and soaks Julia.
Julia- (takes a handkerchief and wipes her soak-filled
face) And now on with the show!
*One of the audience asks a question*
Julia-Huh? Ha ha Oh no I assure you Yuffie won't cry
again for the rest of the play I promise…and now ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
As Yuffie
got to the other side of the door she now landed on DRY land. She looked around
for Red XVIII.
Yuffie-Where the fuck is Red XVIII he's put me through so
much shit right now!
*Audience stares at her strangely.
Julia-Yuffie's just kidding folks. (whispers) cut the
crap and say your true lines Yuffie.
All of a
sudden tow fat little men bounced toward her.
*Audience glares and laughs as they see Elena with a pillow under her shirt. They start booing them since they recognize the two of them and throw tomatoes at them*
Elena-Hey who you calling fat mother fuckah! Yeah that's
right I'll kill your sister too just like I did your momma! (throws tomatoes at
an audience member)
Heidegger- (spanks his own ass to imitate
Palmer) You don't like me but maybe you like this yeah ha give it to me baby
muahahaha!!!
Yuffie stays there cockeyed staring at them.
Yuffie-Hey jerks that wasn't in the script!
Elena and Heidegger stare at Yuffie.
Elena and Heidegger- (getting back to the play) Ok
dumbass let's get one thing straight there's no freaking Red XVIII here but it's
us Tweedledum and Tweedledee at your service.
Elena- (glares at Heidegger) Quit making fun of my name
Tweedledimwit!
Heidegger-I can't help it Ms.
Tweedledumbass!
Reno and Rude burst into laughter at Elena.
Yuffie-Anyways I want to know where Red XVIII is at?
Elena and
Heidegger…or better known as Tweedledumbass and Tweedledimwit danced all around
Yuffie completely ignoring her wishes. All they seemed to care about was
talking nonsense and bragging.
Elena- (stares at Julia) Oh so we talk nonsense and brag
a lot eh? That means that I can make up my own lines doesn't it?
Julia-No you dumbass you're just supposed to…ah do
whatever the hell you want I give up!!!
*Some of the audience members leave the theater*
Heidegger-Hey 'Lena did you know that
President Shinra loves me better than he does you!
Elena-He does not!
Heidegger-Does too I get paid a lot!
Elena-So do I but I get paid a lot more than you cause I'm
one of his body guards so I get paid ten times more than you, you useless piece
of crap!
Heidegger-You do NOT!
Elena-Do too!
Heidegger-Do NOT!
Elena-Do too!
Heidegger-Do NOT!
Elena-Do too!
Heidegger-Do NOT!
Elena-Uh…Do NOT!
Heidegger-Ha see you even proved it
yourself you dumb blonde! You thought I would fall for that one Ms.
Tweedledumbass?
Elena-Damn it but you know I get paid more than you
either ways and Shinra loves me more!
Heidegger-Does Not!
Elena-Does too!
Heidegger-Does Not!
Elena-Does too!
Heidegger-Does Not!
Elena-Does too!
*More of the audience leaves*
Yuffie-Now's my chance to steal all their materia here
goes. (stalks behind them)
Heidegger-Does too!
Elena-Ha I've caught you this time you jerk!
Heidegger-Did not!
Elena-Did too!
Heidegger-Did not!
Elena-Did too!
Heidegger-Did not! (notices Yuffie
stealing materia and grabs her by her hair) Hey ya little runt what do you
think you're doing?
Yuffie-Hey let me go you son of a bitch!
Heidegger-Will not!
Yuffie-Will too!
Heidegger-Will not!
Yuffie-Will too (shakes her head and punches Heidegger)
All right that's enough I want this scence to end already you people obviously
can't act!!!
Elena-Ok so who's turn is it?
Yuffie- (goes backstage and checks the script) It's
Tweedledimwit's turn that means you Heidegger you're supposed to tell me a
story.
Heidegger-Elena should we tell her a
story?
Yuffie-Not yet jackass! I'm supposed to run away and you
guys are supposed to stop me then you ask Tweedledumbass here to tell me a
story.
Heidegger-Oh ok…so then it's your turn
then you idiot!
Yuffie- (rubs her head in embarrassment) Heh heh guess it
is. YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS I'M OUTTA HERE!
Elena-You can't go you have to finish this scene.
Yuffie- (slaps her forehead) No you stupid bitch it's
your turn to stop me remember I'm acting here!
Elena-Oh yeah!
Heidegger- (grabs Yuffie's arm) Wait a
minute you! Elena she's tired of our mindless jabber, shall we tell her a
story?
Elena-Yeah even better let's tell her a poem, she'll
love to hear our poem! (claps her hands like an airhead)
Yuffie
sighed and still wondered where Red XVIII was but decided to give in and listen
to Tweedledumbass' and Tweedledimwit's poem. Yuffie wished that she would find
a way to get away from these odd twins.
Elena and Heidegger-'The Walrus and the Carpenter'
a poem written by Elena aka Tweedledumbass and Heidegger aka Tweedledimwit.
The curtain lowers and Yuffie, Elena, and Heidegger appear
out of the scene. The curtain rises again and we see Wedge dresses up as the
Walrus and Biggs dressed up as the carpenter.
Wedge- (stares nervously at the audience) Uh hello I am
a greedy walrus!
Biggs- (stares nervously at the audience) Uh hello I am
a carpenter.
*Audience stays quiet and you can hear someone cough*