A short, but humorous fanfic by yours truly, the one and only Kitsune-yasha
**Warning**
This fanfic contains stuff like male-male relationships and probably a large language content. Um, if you're like a little kid or something, you may not want to read this. If you're an "innocent" Gundam Wing fan, you may want to turn back now while you still can, because chances are, this fanfic will start you on the path to the Dark Side and you'll be like me, corrupt and evil. So yeah.
**Disclaimer**
None of the characters depicted in this fanfic belong to me, except for Mr. Wiggles and Wing Wiggles Custom.
Treize: Hey! Mr. Wiggles is MINE! As for Wing Wiggle Custom, I totally designed it!
Kitsune-yasha: Sure yah did…
They belong to whoever created the Gundam Universe and Gundam Wing. They also belong to evil corporations here in America, who have given the characters only half-way decent dubbed voices ( *coughs*Bandai*cough*) . So please don't sue me. I don't have anymore money. I spent the last five bucks I had on Starbucks Java Chip Ice Cream, so that I could finish this without starving to death. Yeah. So go away. I'm poor.
Note: I think if you use the dubbed voices rather than the actual voices, this fanfic is much funnier…Especially when you do Zechs's voice.
~Kitsune-yasha
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind Date
Chapter One: Prelude to disaster (or success)
Duo was bored…quite bored. It was yet another glorious downtime where missions were nonexistent and the pilots could enjoy some form of a vacation as long as they didn't stray too far from home. Unfortunately, this downtime had lasted for weeks on end and it looked as if it would last longer. Duo had done everything there was to do. He went to the mall with Quatre and Trowa, but he tired of that all too soon, mainly because he did not have his koi to run around with (Heero was not fond of malls and other shopping places). He tried to drag Heero out to a movie, but the pilot of Wing Zero was not fond of movies either. Duo was at a loss. He wanted to do something with Heero rather than by himself, but the other boy wasn't exactly the most social person in the world, so Duo wound up staying at home, watching Pink Floyd's the Wall and various animes and classic movies.
At the high point of his boredom, he decided (while watching "The Wall" for the fifth billionth time) that he wanted to play a prank on somebody. Only problem was anybody worth playing a prank on was not there at the moment. Quatre and Trowa were off somewhere (Duo didn't want to know where they were or what they were doing either) and Heero was working on Wing Zero again. The only other person in the house with him was Wufei, who was at the moment sitting quietly in his room probably staring at the wall. Hmmm....Wufei, all alone and doing nothing... This gave Duo an idea.
Duo had observed since the beginning of this downtime Wufei had done nothing. The Chinese pilot rarely even stepped outside his room, except to get food or to do his laundry. When the others offered to take him with them somewhere, the pilot of Nataku refused the offer in a harsh and often insulting manner. He definitely had some form of a cylinder object up his ass, and Duo was determined to either remove it or cause the other pilot great dishonor (whichever came first).
Duo knew exactly what he had in mind for his prank as he searched Heero's part of the room (the nasal deadpan pilot had a lot of interesting toys and items) and came across a phone number. He immediately recognized it as Releena Peacecraft's personal number (he should know; he prank called her fifty times two downtimes ago). This is going to be great! He thought as he dialed her number.
The phone rang ten times before Releena answered.
"Hello?" she said. God, she sounded too perky and more neurotic than ever.
"Hey, Releena! It's me, Duo Maxwell, one of the Gundam boys!"
"I know who you are." She sounded a bit annoyed now. She, too, remembered the prank calls.
"Um, yeah. Anyhow, I have a friend who needs to really get out of the house. They've been inside way too long, just sitting around and staring at the walls. So I was wondering if you could hook them up on a blind date or something, being that you have so many friends."
"A blind date?" She sounded enthused now. "Sure! I know a ton of people who need to be hooked up." She giggled girlishly. "This is going to be so fun! So when do you think would be a good time for the date?"
Duo smiled to himself. "As soon as possible."
"Okay! I'll see what I can do!" She giggled again. There was an interruption in the transmission. "Oh, could you hold on a sec? I have another call."
"Alright."
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile…
Zechs was worried about Treize. His friend refused to come out of his private retreats and refused visitors. Currently he was sitting in his room, staring into the depths and shapes of a rose. When Zechs had entered his room to see what his friend was doing, Treize went into a lengthy analogy of how war was like a rose. Not only did this freak out Zechs, it worried him. So he called his sister, Releena, whom he knew had a myriad of friends Treize could hook up with.
"Hey, Releena, this is Zechs," he said into the phone.
"Oh! Hi Zechs! Long time no hear!"
My god, she sounds ditzy, Zechs reflected before he spoke. "Yeah, I know. Look, I really need your help, sis. I have a friend who needs to get out of the house. He's been holed up here for three weeks now, doing nothing. I was wondering if you had a friend he could hook up with…You know. Sort of a blind date type of thing?"
She giggled. Oh god…Zechs thought once more.
"That's such a coincidence!" she chirped. "I have a friend on the other line who is trying to hook a friend up!"
"Really?" Zechs was hopeful.
"Yeah! So when do you want this to happen?"
Zechs thought for a moment. As he thought, his eyes drifted towards Treize who was now comparing Gundams to his pet guinea pig. "As soon as possible," came the reply.
"That's great! Now hold on. I'll tell my friend on the other line."
@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"All along you're just another brick in the wall…" Duo murmured as he waited. Finally, he heard a click. "Hello?"
"Hey!" Releena answered. "That was my brother. He said that he had a friend he needs to hook up, too."
"Really? That's great!"
"So do you have a definite time that you want to do this?"
Duo looked at his watch. It was four past noon now. That wouldn't give him enough time to announce Wufei's blind date and to get the Chinese boy to agree. "Hmmm…How about tomorrow at, say, six in the evening?"
"Okay, hold on. I'll see if my brother agrees."
@~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Six in the evening?" Zechs repeated. It seemed a bit too early. Then again…
He looked over at Treize who was still going on about Mr. Wiggles the guinea pig and Wing Zero.
"Six is perfect. Tell this person that my friend will be waiting at the pet store in the mall holding a rose or something."
"Great!" she chirped. "This is going to be so awesome!"
"Um, yeah, sure. I guess I owe you one. I'll try not to blow up your love interest next time, m'kay?"
"Okay!"
Zechs cringed. "Yeah, well, I gotta go, sis." He clicked FLASH before she could respond. God, she's such a Valley Girl…
Zechs look over at Treize once more. He hoped his friend would agree to a blind date.
@~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything was set. Wufei would be going on his blind date at six in the evening the next day. Only thing Duo had to do was convince his friend to go on this blind date. He chose the perfect time to do so, too. Around eight that night, everybody was home. When they were all in the same room, Duo acted.
"Hey, Wufei."
Wufei looked up from his chair. "What?" he said in an annoyed tone.
"What're you doing around six tomorrow evening?"
Wufei looked at him darkly. "Why?"
"Because I set you up on a blind date," Duo said casually.
"WHAT?!"
The other boys stopped with their activities. Heero looked up from his laptop. Quatre turned around, shock in his innocent eyes. Trowa jumped out of his chair and was now on the floor murmuring silent oros as he laid in a twisted heap.
Duo smiled broadly. "I set you up on a blind date," he said again.
"I know what you said." Nataku's pilot's voice had a dangerous tone to it. "Why and with who?"
"I did it because I was sick of seeing you sitting around all day long," he lied. "I can't tell you who it is exactly, though. It's one of Releena's friends."
Wufei said nothing for the longest time. He just sat there, his dark gaze locked onto one spot. He saw himself in Duo's cool violet eyes. He looked murderous.
"I am not going," he finally said, pronouncing every word precisely.
"You can't back down now!" Duo exclaimed. "I already to her you'd do it. Besides, it wouldn't be honorable if you let that poor girl waiting all by herself tomorrow. I mean, where's the honor in standing someone up?"
Wufei continued to stare at him, taking in the American pilot's words. Sadly, Duo had a point. Wufei silently rued his honor as he looked down and said, "Fine…I'll do it."
The room was silent once more, except for the snickers emitted from Quatre and Trowa. Heero looked down, trying to hide his amused smile, but Wufei caught it just as he had caught the stifled snickers. He ignored them, though. They knew nothing of honor.
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh Treize…" Zechs approached his friend cautiously.
"Yes?" Treize replied looking up from a model of a new Gundam he was designing for Mr. Wiggles.
"Um, my sister sort of has this friend who she's trying to hook up, so I told her you'd go out on a date with this friend."
Treize set down a small shoulder cannon. "Oh?" he sounded intrigued. "Who is this friend, may I ask?"
"I'm not sure. It's probably one of her school friends."
Treize sulked. "I was hoping you'd say it was that Chang Wufei boy who I fought that one time. He was quite a catch." Treize's dreamy gaze drifted to the ceiling. He looked down again and shrugged. "Oh well. I guess it's some schoolgirl rather than my little Dragon."
"So you'll do it?" Zechs was more hopeful.
"Do I have to?" Treize pouted. "I was going to put a shielding cloak on Wing Wiggles Custom."
"I already told Releena you would."
Treize sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. If it's a girl Releena knows, it can't be that bad…"
Zechs barely kept himself from jumping and giggling with joy. "Great! Your date's at six tomorrow evening. You'll meet her at the mall. Oh, and take a rose so she'll know it's you."
@~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day went by quickly. Wufei found the evening upon him too soon. It took him forever to decide on an outfit to wear. He finally settled on a black tank top, tight black pants, and a black leather jacket. He decided if he was going out with a girl, he might as well try to impress her with his good looks and nice body.
As he came down the stairs, he heard whistles and cat calls from Quatre and Duo. He shot them a venomous glance, but they didn't stop.
"Lookin' nice tonight!" Duo howled. "Yeow!"
"Voulez-vous couche avec moi, c'est soir?" Quatre sang.
Trowa and Heero exchanged looks.
"I feel so jealous," Trowa cried.
"And I don't?" Heero remarked in his usual deadpan.
Wufei glared at the two pilots again. "Duo, shut up. And no, Quatre. I won't sleep with you tonight."
Quatre pouted. "Aw, why not?"
"Because I'm not easy like Trowa."
"Hey!" Trowa nearly jumped out of his seat.
Wufei ignored his insulted comrade. "Well, I'm off on my-" he shuddered "-blind date." He opened the door and was about to walk out with it when he stopped as if he had just remembered something. "Oh, Duo. If this date goes poorly tonight, you can say good-bye to all your animes and 'The Wall'." He stepped out the door.
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, what shall we do tonight?" asked Trowa.
"Let's play poker," Duo suggested.
"Alright. I'll get the cards," Trowa offered.
"I want to play too," Heero said in his deadpan voice.
"What about you?" Duo asked Quatre.
The blond Arabian pilot laughed nervously. "Well, I would but I don't know how to play."
"What?!" Duo shouted.
"Well, you see, nobody ever taught me how to play cards games other than Euchre, Solitaire, and Uno," Quatre explained.
"You poor deprived child…" Duo shook his head. "Hey! I know! We'll teach you how to play!"
"Yeah," Trowa agreed.
"What type shall we teach him?" Heero asked.
The two pilots stopped to think. That was a good question. What type of poker would one teach to a newcomer such as Quatre.
Trowa looked at his koi and smiled slyly. "I know what we could teach him."
Duo detected something ulterior in the taller boy's voice. "What're you thinking, Trowa?"
"Strip poker."
Duo's eyes widened with glee and Heero smiled. Yes, it had been a long time since there had been a game of strip poker.
"Ano…" Quatre hesitated. "Sure, I guess. Sounds fun…" He sounded unsure himself. He had no idea what the three were planning, but he had a feeling that it wouldn't be good. Still, go with the flow.
The four pilots sat down at the kitchen table and began their game of strip poker.
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~
Wufei arrived at the mall five minutes early. He played with the kittens as he waited in the pet store, as designated. Damn my honor, he growled mentally as a kitten batted at his hand. Damn Duo for talking me into this!
Something caught his eye from across the cage the kittens were held in. It was a plain red rose in bloom. He blinked. Was this his date for the night? He continued to stare at the rose. Why did it look familiar?
"Hello, my little Dragon," the owner of the rose said.
Wufei nearly had a massive coronary. He looked up to see Treize standing there beside the hamsters and the parakeets. The older man was in the style of uniform Wufei had always seen him in. His expression was cool and relaxed, maybe slightly amused. This can't be my date for the night!!!
He was unaware that he had voiced that thought aloud until Treize replied, "Oh, you're the blind date Zechs hooked me up with through Releena? This is too good to be true!"
Wufei stared at the older man in horror. "No it isn't! It's a catastrophe! You are my enemy! I'm NOT supposed to date you!"
"So? What are you going to do about it, Chang? You can't exactly leave. You have too much honor, and if it were to get around that you left your date behind, the effects would be astounding on your reputation. The others may laugh at you."
Wufei looked down. He had a point. This was the man that he hated the most though. How could he go out with him if they were sworn enemies? It went against his moral values and such.
"So where do you want to go?" Treize asked.
"What?"
"I asked you where you wanted to go tonight," Treize repeated. "I was thinking dinner then a movie, maybe a walk in the park later on…"
"I haven't exactly agreed that I would join you tonight," Wufei pointed out.
Treize laughed. "Your eyes have told me all that I need to know. You can't back down even if you wanted to. Your pride overcomes your reason as it overcomes your values and vows at the same time. Backing down will only prove that I am the better man. You and I both know that. So what do you say, my little dragon?"
Wufei stepped up to him until he was close to his face, and, staring him straight in the eyes, said, "I want Italian for dinner. If dinner goes over well, then I'll let you take me to a movie."
@~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Um, Trowa, what does it mean if I have three aces?" Quatre asked innocently.
The other boys groaned and threw down their cards. They began to remove their shirts.
"Oh. I guess I won this round, huh?" Quatre guessed.
This was the third round since the beginning that Quatre had won. He hadn't removed any article of clothing so far, either. Hopefully that would change with the next round, though.
Heero dealt the cards. Again, they looked at them and made changes and bets. Again, they felt lucky enough not to back down.
"Um, Duo, I have a king, a queen, a jack, a ten, a nine, and an eight in a row. Is that good?" the blond Arabian boy inquired.
Again, they threw down their cards and began to removed their shorts or pants. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to play strip poker….
@~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~
Treize and Wufei arrived at the restaurant to find that it was packed and there was an hour wait for tables. Treize, desperate to make this a good date, tried to bribe the maitre d', but to no avail. The maitre d' told that he didn't care if Treize was (quote) "the queen of the colonies" or "the crowned prince of Guam" (both of which do not exist). They left the restaurant, Treize embarrassed and angry, Wufei amused.
"I suppose Italian's out of the question for tonight," the older man said. "How about we order carryout? We could go back to my place and eat it, maybe watch a movie or two…" Among other things, he added mentally.
Wufei stopped and glared at him. "Carryout?" He sounded annoyed. "What's so special about carryout? Hello! I'm Chinese! A majority of the items on the menu I have for an afternoon snack! C 'mon! You're the leader of Earth's forces. Surely you can think of somewhere better we can go!"
"Um…" Treize thought for a moment. "There's always Mexican, I guess. Maybe Outback Steak. They're always good, and, to be honest, I'm in the mood for a steak or two."
"Fine. Whatever. I just want to get home as soon as possible."
"Why? What's at home for you to do?"
Hmmm…What was there at home for Wufei to do? This made him think. All he ever did at home was sat around and stared at the walls. Occasionally, he would take out a notepad and begin drawing or writing out ways to modify Nataku. Other than that, there was nothing really significant for him at home.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking again. "Let's just go."
@~~`~~~~~~~~~~
"Um, Trowa…" Quatre began.
Before he could continue, the other three boys, who were now in their underwear and boxers, threw down their cards and began stripping. This was the end of the game. Quatre had won without even losing once, which was strange luck for a newcomer.
"Let's play something else," Duo said as he sat at the kitchen table naked as the day he was born.
"What should we play?" Trowa asked.
"Ooh! Can we play Uno?" Quatre squeaked.
"Um…." The others looked at each other, sort of hesitant. They had a deck of Uno cards in the house, but it wasn't a standard deck. This was the deck Duo had designed himself. It was much like a regular deck, but instead of a Skip card, there was a Strip card. Draw Two had been replaced by Drop Two (as in items of clothes) at Heero's request, too. The Wild/Draw Four card had been renamed Wild/Foreplay (go figure). This new brand of Uno was quite risqué. It was Strip Uno.
Duo suddenly smiled evilly. "Sure we can play," he said.