DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY PLACES OR CHARACTERS OR ANY REFERENCES TO THE MOVIE 'MICKEY BLUE EYES' OR THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS OR SESAME STREET, OR ANYTHING. PEOPLE OTHER THAN ME OWN IT. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME. INSTEAD, EAT SOME COOKIES.
Eat Cookies
Act 1 - Scene 1 (Hagrid's Hut)
Little Girl (knocking): Is anyone home?
Hagrid (humming "tiptoe through the tulips"): Hello?
LG: Down here!
Hagrid: Why, hello there, cute little girl with light blonde hair.
LG: Hello, huge man that smells of whiskey. Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?
Hagrid (looking intrigued): Maybe. What the devil are they?
LG: They are delicious and nutritious snacks sold in vast quantities to large smelly men by cute little girls with berets. Would you like some?
Hagrid: I'd love some.
LG: We have crunchy stuff cookies, chewy stuff cookies, chocolate-like substance cookies, fortune cookies, and long-bread cookies. They are
only ten sickles a box.
Hagrid: I'll take one of each. (handing money over) Thank you, deary!
(Hagrid walks inside, takes one bite, and immediately shrinks down to the size of Professor Snape, his hair turning black and greasy.)
Act 1 - Scene 2 (outside Gryffindor dorm)
Little Girl: Pardon me, but I have forgotten the new password.
Ron: Oh, Crudmuffins.
LG: Don't be sarcastic. I really need it.
Ron (looking irritated): Crudmuffins.
LG: Please stop! Pretty Please may I have the password (making puppy-dog face)
Ron (now really pissed): CRUDMUFFINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LG: Well, if you don't want to give me the password, would you at least buy some of my cookies?
Ron (perking right up): Cookies, you say?
LG: Yes, they are delicious and nutritious snacks sold in vast quantities to red-headed guys by cute little girls with berets. Would you like some?
Ron: I'd love some. What kinds do you have?
LG: Chewy stuff cookies, crunchy stuff cookies, chocolate-like substance cookies, long-bread cookies, and fortune cookies. Ten sickles a box.
Ron: I'll have the fortune cookies. Ten, you say?
LG (nodding with nasty grin): Ten.
(Ron walks past, opens the box, takes one bite, and his hair turns light blonde, he becomes shorter and paler, and generally uglier, and he goes off to find Potter)
Act 1 - Scene 3 (The Library)
Harry: Find your own table, Malfoy.
Ron: Malfoy? Who is Malfoy?
Harry: Are you on crack? You are Malfoy.
Ron: No, I'm sorry, I'm Ron. And I'm way better than you.
Harry: What the hell are you talking about?
Ron: You suck. I don't. I don't know who Malfoy is, but he sucks too. I don't.
Harry: Go awAYYYYY!
Ron: I would, but I came to find you to tell you that you suck, and that you should try some of these cookies.
Harry: You've been eating them?
Ron: Yes.
Harry: Then they must be drugged. (thinking a moment).... Crazy, man! I'll have some!!!
(Just then, Hermione runs in the library in a panic)
Hermione (looking terrified): I've forgotten to hand in my books! They're LATE!!! (noticing Harry about to bite into the fortune cookie) DON'T EAT THE COOKIE!!!!
Harry: Why not?
Hermione: Can't you read signs??? NO FOOD IN THE LIBRARY!
(Harry notices sign, and puts down cookie)
Ron: Screw dat, you have to try these cookies. Just go in the hall and try them.
Harry: I need my fix, I'm going to eat them here, anyway.
Little Girl (popping in from out the blue): Wait!!! NOT YET!!!
Harry: Why not?
(Hermione begins eying cookies with a delectable desire)
LG: Because.... er.... I, um... I need a few people to witness the famous Harry Potter eating my cookies... to endorse it, of course. It would be big publicity, they'd sell like mad.
(Hermione takes down sign and goes after cookies while no one notices)
Harry: Why do people always want to see me do stuff? Why, why, why???? I hate it, I HATE IT! But, sure, ok. Hurry up and get them here.
(Hermione bites into fortune cookie and her robes turn into a red kimono. Her eyes become smaller and slightly squinty, her hair straightens and turns black, and fixes itself into a bun held together by sticks. She looks just like the waitress on Mickey Blue Eyes.)
Hermione: Not waitress, OWNER! Stupid author!
Me: Shut up. Waitress.
Harry: WHoAoAH! Hermione's Asian! Asian chicks rock!
(Harry starts trying to woo Hermione)
Hermione: Get off me! Eat cookie!
LG: He can't yet! The Dea.... the publicity people aren't here yet!!!
Harry: Don't want cookie!!!!!!!... Hermione... look... like... Cho... make.... Harry... randy!!
Hermione (pushing Harry away with cookie): Eeeeeeeeeeeeat cookie!
Harry: I'm sorry, I don't want the cookie.
Hermione (holding cookie dangerously close to Harry's mouth): EAT F**KING COOKIE!!!!!!!!!
Harry: But, I don't wanfffffhfhfhff (Hermione stuffs cookie into Harry's mouth. Harry swallows and immediately turns into Lord Voldemort)
Little Girl: NOOOOOO!!!! Not YET! (cowers)
Harry/Vold: Malfoy, where are my Death Eaters?
Malfoy (ripping off clever beret disguise): I was unable to retrieve all the Death Eaters (cowers), but I have found a suitable replacement. The Cookie Eaters (Malfoy indicated the door)
(Hagrid, as Snape, entered the door, followed by a Dumbledore, looking very Lucius-y, and a McGonagall and Lupin blown up to Crabbe and Goyle Sr. sizes, also, Cookie Monster followed in behind them)
END OF ACT ONE TO "EAT COOKIES"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WILL VOLDEMORT ACCEPT THE COOKIE EATERS OVER THE DEATH EATERS? WILL HARRY TURN BACK INTO HIMSELF AGAIN? WILL HERMIONE FINALLY CONVINCE THE AUTHOR SHE'S NOT WAITRESS; OWNER? WILL I BE ABLE TO FIND SOME COOKIES BECAUSE I REALLY WANT SOME NOW???? STAY TUNED FOR ACT TO OF "EAT COOKIES" !!!