Walking a Thin Line, a startrek: voyager fanfic

"Walking a Thin Line"

By VoyagerCat

Authors note ---- This story deals with a very real and sad disease. The story itself may be fictional, but the life threatening disease is both a physical and psychological one that should be taken seriously.

This story is dedicated to the memory of Karen Carpenter, and all those who have lost their lives as a result of this disorder. A big hug to my daughter for her continued support and help.

--Part One--

"Emotions control me, make me hide in a safe place of silence, my mind stays distant from what my heart feels. If I say it, it's real, so I say nothing. I can't touch it, if I did I would curl up or crumble. I may seem to be made by heart of stone, but really just chalk, and I'm afraid to face the possibility that I could easily turn to dust."

"Commander Tuvok to Captain Janeway." Tuvok was met with only silence over the com-link. "Tuvok to Janeway, please acknowledge." Still no response. Now Tuvok was getting a bit nervous even for a Vulcan. He had been in command of the bridge for the last few hours while the Captain had been in her ready room, supposedly working on the usual mountain of reports that never seemed to get finished. Tuvok turned the bridge over to Ensign Kim and headed for the ready room. Harry Kim had given him a concerned look, one that Tuvok understood all too well. As of late they had all been worried about Captain Janeway, something more than the usual Delta Quadrant catastrophes was affecting their Captain and friend. He had already pressed the door chime twice with no response. "Computer, override security lock Tuvok, 4, 7, beta, 9". The doors slid open as Tuvok rushed in. He was unprepared for the sight in front of him. Captain Janeway was lying on the floor of her ready room, broken coffee cup in hand. Tuvok was at her side in an instant, checking for her vital signs. Brushing the tangled hair from her face, he could see her lips were a distinct shade of ash blue. Her skin was so pale it was almost transparent. Captain Janeway wasn't breathing. "Transporter room one, emergency beam out to sickbay." Tuvok, with his Captain and dear friend in his arms, dematerialized from the ready room.

------

"Doctor! She's not breathing." Tuvok carried Janeway over to the bio-bed. Immediately the Doctor and Lieutenant Paris were at her side.

"What the hell happened?" Tom's expression of shock was literally mirrored on Tuvok's face. He didn't answer Tom's question. The Doctor had already given her 20 cc's of annaprovalyne.

"Cortical stimulator NOW!" The Doctor was in a state of panic himself, and for a hologram, that was quite a feat. His concern and compassion ran deep for Captain Janeway, an emotion he could not quite grasp but felt nonetheless. "Again Mr. Paris." Janeway's body jerked under the electrical jolt.

"Doctor, it's not working, do something!" Tom had lost all sense of composure.

"Time of death." He didn't finish his pronouncement as Commander Tuvok leaned over his friend and started breathing into her mouth, using old fashion CPR. Tom knew just what Tuvok was up to and joined him with the chest compressions. The Doctor, seeing what they were doing, put another 10 cc's annaprovalyne to her neck. Tom was the first one to notice the blip on the monitor.

"Doc, we've got a heart rhythm." Just as he said the words, Janeway took a gasping breath. Both Tom and Tuvok stepped back, letting the Doctor take over again. Tom wiped the tears from his eyes as Tuvok just stood silently watching. Captain Janeway was alive, breathing on her own. After a few more chocking breaths, she opened her eyes. Her expression was one of confusion and disorientation. Focusing on Tuvok she spoke in a raspy whisper.

"What happened, why am I in sickbay?" Tuvok's only response to her pleading question was a strong but gentle hand on her shoulder, then he turned and left sickbay. Janeway had turned her questioning look to the Doctor. "What's going on Doctor?" One look from the Doctor and Tom knew it was his turn to leave. After trying to give Janeway a smile, he followed Tuvok out the door. Janeway had regained enough of her wits to assess the situation and she knew it wasn't good. "Just tell me Doctor, what happened?" She was even trying to sit up, but she was too weak to make much progress. Laying back on the bio-bed, she closed her eyes as the room started to spin.

"Captain, you're too weak to sit, just lie still." Without opening her eyes she responded.

"That much I figured out on my own, what I'd like to know is what the hell happened?"

"WHAT HAPPENED CAPTAIN?" At the sound of his angry tone of voice Janeway opened her eyes to look at him. "WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT YOU WERE DEAD!" His angry tone hadn't softened any with this bit of information.

"WHAT!" Her eyes had such a haunted forlorn look that the Doctor, as much as he wanted to, couldn't stay angry at her.

"I'm sorry Captain but Tuvok found you on the floor of your ready room. When he got you here to sickbay, you weren't breathing. We tried everything we could to bring you back but nothing was working. I was about to pronounce your time of death when Commander Tuvok and Mr. Paris started CPR. It's nothing short of a miracle that I'm even talking to you now. From all medical standpoints you were, and still should be, dead." The Doctor noticed the tears slipping from her eyes. His heart, although he didn't really have one, felt like it was squeezing in his chest. He cared for Captain Janeway as much as anyone on Voyager, and he knew she would hate him for what he was about to do but he had no real choice. "Captain, if not for your friends you would have died. They all love and care about you, me included. And right now you're going to need your friends to help you through this.""Help me through what, what are you talking about?"

"You have a disease Captain, and until you recover and get the help you need, I as chief medical officer aboard this ship, do hereby relieve you of duty, effective immediately."

--Six months earlier--

"Does this conversation sound familiar Chakotay?" Captain Janeway was not happy with her first officer, and not for the first time over the last few weeks. They had disagreed so often lately that Chakotay was about ready to jump out an airlock. Floating in space at least would be peaceful. He hated all the fighting. Janeway had turned her back to him, which she did more often than not these days. Taking a deep breath, Chakotay gave it one more try.

"Kathryn, the conversation is familiar because you're wanting to make a deal with the devil once again." Janeway turned around giving him a cool, if not icy glare.

"The Tel'Lasun are hardly the Borg, Commander." Janeway was hopping mad now and she was again taking it out on her first officer. Chakotay was getting just as mad. It was rare for him to lose his temper, but she had pushed too far this time.

"Oh I agree Captain, the Tel'Lasun are much worse than the Borg. They are more evil, ruthless, conniving and downright the meanest race of beings we have met in this quadrant. I'd much rather deal with the Borg, 8472 and the Kazon put together. We have to go around their space, it's the only way."

"And just how many more times do we have to tuck our tails between our legs and run the other way, just because some bullies say so? I say we go through their space, whether they like it or not. Somewhere in their vast expanse of space is a worm-hole that will lead us home, and I'm damn well going to find it."

"Even if we could manage to bargain our way past their security parameters, which would mean giving them everything except the warp-core. There's no way to be sure we could even find a wormhole, especially one that leads to the Alpha Quadrant. Kathryn, there's just too much at stake here and it's not worth the risk. We've been here for weeks trying to negotiate with the devil, it won't work." Janeway didn't respond, just kept the icy glare on him. Chakotay tried a bit softer tone this time. "Kathryn, we need to work together on this. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just trying to get you to at least consider another option." Janeway sat on the couch rubbing at the throbbing headache that had once again made its self at home inside her skull. Chakotay sat beside her, concern written on his face. "Kathryn, you really should go see the Doctor about those headaches. You seem to have one every day. I'm worried about you." Her eyes locked onto his. They looked so hollow, almost lifeless.

"I'm just fine Commander. I just haven't slept well the last few weeks." She got up and started pacing the ready room.

Why do I even bother? Chakotay sighed. "Why don't you go to your quarters and lie down for a while, I'm sure I can handle the ship for a few hours?" He didn't mean it to, but his statement sounded angrier than he intended.

"I don't need you to take over command of my ship Commander. I'm perfectly capable of commanding Voyager myself, even if you don't agree with the way I do it."

Damn you Kathryn. You are the most pigheaded, stubborn women I've ever known. You're going to get us all killed. Chakotay had to bite his tongue to keep from saying the words out loud. He just walked to the door ready to leave without another word when Janeway's voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"I'm sorry Chakotay, please don't leave." For a moment he thought he'd imagined hearing the words, but then he heard them again. This time he turned back to look at her. "I'm sorry Chakotay." She had unshed tears in her tired, hollow blue eyes. He walked toward her, putting his strong arms around her small frame. She stiffened up like a board, not returning the embrace.

Spirits Kathryn, what's happening to you? You're so frail and thin. Although he wanted to question her on it, now wasn't the time. He had already pushed her too far as it was. She wiggled out of his arms, heading for the replicator.

"Coffee, black." This was another matter he wanted to question her on, but now wasn't the time for that either. He just stood watching her reverently sip at the cup of caffeine like it was her only true friend. "Chakotay, going around Tel'Lasun space will add three more years to our journey. This region of space is known throughout the quadrant for its sporadic appearances of wormholes." Chakotay was about to respond but Janeway put a hand up letting him know she wasn't finished. "Granted no one knows if, or where a wormhole will appear, or even where it will lead. But Chakotay, going around is just too much to ask of this crew. I've stranded them here in the first place, and time and again I've tried and failed to get them home. How can I just give up on another opportunity to keep my promise?" She looked down at her now empty coffee cup. "I just can't do that again." Chakotay took the seat next to her hoping she was calm enough to listen to reason.

"Kathryn, not only did you promise to get them home, but you promised to keep them safe. Going through Tel'Lasun space is anything but safe. I know you would never intentionally put this crew at risk, so I want you to ask yourself if you're doing this for your crew or for yourself?" He saw a flash of anger in her eyes, but continued before she could respond. "Kathryn, this crew, including me, will do anything you ask, but why ask something that has such a small chance of succeeding? As much as all of us want to get home we want to stay together more. No one expects the impossible out of you, we all know the risk is too high. Take a look around Kathryn, you won't see anyone who blames you for our being in the Delta Quadrant. We have all accepted our life here, it's time you did the same. If we make it home - great. If we spend the rest of our lives in this Quadrant, that's great too. As long as we have each other, we're already home. Don't take that away from this crew, we've already lost enough of this family. Even one more is too many." Those unshed tears had now found their way down Janeway's pale cheeks. Reaching over, Chakotay wiped the tears from her face and gave her one of his most loving smiles. "Kathryn please, just think about what I've said, you don't have to make a decision tonight. We've been here two weeks already, one more day won't matter." She gave him a weak smile nodding her head in agreement. Chakotay left the ready room, hoping he had made a difference.

Janeway sat back on the couch, rubbing at her pounding head. Why is my life so out of control? I've lost control of everything, even my own common sense.

------

Janeway had been pacing around in her quarters for over an hour trying to find the right words to tell Chakotay she was sorry and that she had made her decision. She'd thought about just contacting him over the com. but decided he deserved more than a half-hearted apology. She'd replicated a bottle of their favorite wine and changed into a pair of slacks that hugged her small frame quite nicely. She also put on a silk blouse that she knew was his favorite color. The blue in the blouse matched her eyes and the neckline left a lot of her ivory skin in plain view. Taking one more look in the mirror she decided it was now or never. Leaving her quarters, with wine in hand, she rang Chakotay's door chime. At first there was no response so she tried again. Just as she was about to ask the computer the location of Commander Chakotay, he opened the door. His shocked look was nothing compared to Janeway's. She damn near dropped the wine. Chakotay, coming to his senses first and grabbed the wine before it fell to the floor.

"Kathryn, please come in. We were just about to eat, why don't you join us?" He had pulled her in enough for the doors to close. Janeway didn't say anything, trying to get her higher brain functions to work with her mouth. "Kathryn, are you alright?" Finally getting her voice back she answered softly.

"I'm fine Commander. I'm sorry I didn't know you had company, I just wanted to let you know of my decision." Backing up to the door again she continued. "I'll just brief you in the morning at the senior staff meeting." She looked up at his dinner companion, forcing a smile. "It was nice to see you Crewman Haze, please enjoy your evening." With that, she backed out the door and ran for her quarters.

"Chakotay, maybe I should leave too. I didn't mean to cause you and the Captain any problems." Chakotay sat the bottle of wine on the table smiling at his friend.

"No Karen, please stay. You didn't cause any problems. The Captain and I have just been at each other's throats lately. It's really ok, it's not your fault." He gave her a dimpled smile that worked to set her at ease. He'd just have to deal with Kathryn later. "Let's eat, I'm starving." Karen Haze just smiled back as he dished up their plates.

------

By the time Janeway entered her quarters the tears were already flowing. It felt like her entire world had come unraveled like a ball of yarn, and in her mind there was no end to the tangled mess. She threw off her clothes leaving a trail to the replicator. "A pot of coffee, black, and a large plate of caramel brownies." Wiping at her eyes she grabbed the coffee and brownies and headed to her bedroom. She had every intention of eating every one of the brownies until she glimpsed her reflection in the full length mirror. She just stood, staring at herself wishing she could just disappear. Her mind was in such a tangled state of emotions that her next thought was the only one that made sense to her. I'm fat, that's why he doesn't want to be with me. He thinks I'm a fat pig. No wonder he'd rather be with Karen, she's young and beautiful. Long blond hair, not short unruly graying hair like mine. She's got a body that would even make Seven look fat. God Kathryn face it, you're old and fat and no one will want you again. I've managed to offend the one person that means more than life itself. He moved on without me. I'm truly alone and fat. As that last thought crossed her mind she made a decision. She took the plate of brownies and threw it across the room. "No!" she screamed as the plate and brownies smashed into the wall. I may have lost control of my life but not this. I'm not going to be fat because I can control what I eat. As she threw herself onto the bed, the tears began falling freely again until Captain Kathryn Janeway cried herself to sleep.

------

"Tom, set a new course for the Alpha Quadrant. We'll just have to find a new way home."

"Yes Ma'am." They could all feel and understand the excitement in Tom Paris's voice. It was a big relief to all of them to be getting the hell out of the devil's space. Janeway was watching their reaction with a heavy heart. They had agreed with Chakotay all along. If it was possible, she felt even more alone.

"If there's nothing else, dismissed." Everyone filed out of the briefing room except Chakotay. He waited until everyone had gone before starting another difficult conversation with his Captain.

"Kathryn, thank you for taking my advice. I know how much you want to get this crew home, but we'll find another way, I'm sure of it." Janeway just gave him a weak smile in response. Chakotay sat back in the chair next to her taking her hand in his. "Kathryn, I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to hurt you." Pulling her hand from his, she gave him the best smile she could muster.

"You have nothing to apologize for Chakotay. Your private life is none of my business. I'm the one who owes you an apology. I had no right to just barge in like that. I'm truly sorry." She looked away from his gaze.

"Kathryn, you didn't just barge in and you're welcome in my quarters anytime, you know that. Karen and I are just friends."

"Chakotay, it's alright, you don't have to explain. Karen is a nice girl and a valued member of this crew. You have the right to see anyone you want. You're not bound by protocol whatsoever. You can date whomever you wish." She stood up, walking toward the door.

"It wasn't a date Kathryn, we're just good friends." Janeway just smiled back at him as she left the briefing room. "Wait!" She stopped walking. "Would you have dinner with me tonight?" She turned back to look at him.

"Thank you, but I think I'll just turn in early tonight. I'm going to take the Doctor's advice and get more sleep." Before he could respond, she'd left him sitting alone wondering what the hell was going on now.

------

For the last several weeks, things had been running smoothly for the crew of Voyager. They had plotted the fastest way around Tel'Lasun space, which wasn't fast at all, but they had little choice. The crew had accepted the added time to their journey without one complaint. Chakotay had been right, no one really cared if it took them three years or thirty years longer to get home. They were together, which made it feel like home. Chakotay tried several more times to get Janeway to have dinner with him, to no avail. She would politely decline saying she had plans, or she wasn't hungry, or some other excuse. Chakotay knew she was upset about him and Karen but he couldn't get her to talk about it. She would just smile and say she was happy for him, and it didn't bother her in the least. Sitting in his command chair, he'd made up his mind to try one more time. He missed spending time with his best friend and felt responsible for the rift that had grown between them. Turning the bridge over to Tuvok he entered the ready room.

"Hello Commander, what can I do for you?" She certainly seems to be in a good mood, maybe she'll accept. Chakotay had just stood quietly with his thoughts, wearing a big smile. "Commander, is something on your mind or did you just come in here to stare at me?" Janeway felt very uncomfortable under his intense gaze.

"I'm sorry Kathryn, I did come in here for a reason. I have a proposal for you."

"I'm listening." She had a bad feeling about this but didn't let her true feelings show on her face.

"I've reserved holodeck one. How about a picnic and moonlight sail on Lake George?" His smile was so alluring, Janeway almost said she'd love to. But she had vowed to stay out of Chakotay's life, he didn't need his old fat Captain to interfere in his private affairs. Only problem was she was having trouble coming up with a believable excuse. "Kathryn, now you're staring." Chakotay couldn't help the chuckle that escaped.

"I'm sorry Chakotay, but I've already made plans tonight. Maybe another time?" The smile was gone from his face. Janeway could see he wasn't convinced.

"Come on Kathryn, we haven't had dinner together in months. I miss spending time with you. Can't you change your plans this once?" He was almost pleading.

"I'm sorry, I can't." She got up from her desk, going to the replicator to get more coffee. Bringing the cup back to her desk, she took one more stab at it. "I promise we'll do it another time. Now if there's nothing else, I really do have a lot of work to finish." He'd just been dismissed, and he knew it. Chakotay left the ready room without another word. As the doors swished closed, Janeway felt such a profound sense of sadness and loneliness it almost took her breath away. Taking a shuttering breath, she silently prayed that Chakotay would come back in and take her in his arms, telling her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. Why am I doing this to myself? Please Chakotay, I need you. A single tear dripped from her eye, splashing in what seemed her only friend, coffee.

------

"Tom, you are so full of . . ." B'Elanna noticed Samantha Wildman's glare in her direction. "Sorry, I forgot Naomi was here.

"That's ok B'Elanna, I've heard you say that plenty of times." Everyone at the table started laughing.

"Well I'd better not hear you say it Naomi, or I'll have to wash B'Elanna's mouth out with soap." That started a new round of laughter. The fun and laughter was something the crew hadn't done nearly enough lately. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Sam and Naomi were enjoying a fun relaxing morning.

"Hey Harry, how did your date go last night or did she stand you up again?" Harry gave Tom a nasty look but Naomi just kept giggling.

"And just what's so funny Miss Wildman?" Harry was having as much fun teasing as Tom was.

"Your date stood you up?" Naomi just couldn't stop laughing.

"Naomi, be nice." Samantha scolded.

"Sorry Harry." Although she had to cover her mouth before another giggle escaped.

"It's alright Naomi, I'm used to Lieutenant Paris' teasing." Harry leaned over to whisper in Naomi's ear. "He just doesn't know I'm waiting for the prettiest girl on Voyager to be old enough to date." He gave Naomi a wink as her face turned a blushing shade of pink. Harry was rewarded with an elbow in the side from Samantha. "Hey! I was just kidding." But he gave Naomi one last wink. The whole table erupted in laughter again just as Captain Janeway strolled into the mess-hall. She couldn't help but smile at her crew, they were obviously having a good time and she didn't want to intrude. Naomi spotted her first, jumping from her seat and running over to her.

"Hi Captain." Naomi was already pulling on her hand. "Come and join us for breakfast. We were just teasing Harry, about his date ditching him." Janeway had to laugh this time.

"Hey, I never said she stood me up." Janeway walked over to the table with Naomi. She smiled down at Harry, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"That's ok Harry, I understand." That got everyone laughing again.

"Captain, please why don't you join us?" Tom stood up offering her a chair.

"No thank you, I've already eaten breakfast with Commander Chakotay. I just came to get some of Neelix's coffee. I'll see you all later." She walked over to get her coffee then headed out the door.

"Well, I hate to break this up but I'm on duty in five minutes. Naomi, will you be alright until Seven gets here?"

"Of course, I'm not a little kid you know." Samantha stood up and kissed Naomi on the head.

"I'm sorry Sweetheart, I must have forgotten. I'll see you later."

"I'd better get going too, I've got a report due to the Captain before 0900. Wait up Sam, I'll walk out with you." Harry and Samantha left the mess-hall. Just as they got outside the doors they literally ran into Commander Chakotay, who was in a big hurry.

"Hey Commander, where's the fire?" Harry jokingly asked.

"No fire Harry, just in a hurry to eat breakfast before my shift starts." Without another word he was through the doors to the mess-hall. Harry and Sam looked at each other in confusion.

"I thought the Captain said she and Chakotay had already eaten breakfast. I didn't think he liked Neelix's cooking that much?" Sam didn't respond to Harry's question. She had a gut instinct about what was going on, but chose to keep that information to herself.

------

"What do you think, should we send the Delta Flyer ahead for supplies?" Chakotay had asked the entire group but directed the question at the Captain.

"I think it's our best option. We really need to replenish our supplies while we're in a region of space that at least has some planets. Our run in with the Tel'Lasun has taken its toll on us. We could also use the time to make some repairs to Voyager. Let me know when you've got the away-team briefed." Looking at everyone in the room, she gave them all a slight smile and dismissed the meeting. Everyone started to file out of the briefing room, including the Captain, when Chakotay stopped her.

"Captain, could I speak with you a minute?" Janeway turned away from the door, giving Chakotay a slight death glare.

"Is it important Commander? I really have a lot of work to finish up."

"It will only take a minute Captain." He was still sitting at the table, hoping she would at least give him the time of day. She was always brushing him off lately and Chakotay was getting fed up with it. Janeway walked back into the room, taking a seat at the opposite end of the table.

"What is it Commander?" Her tone was all he needed to assess her mood, not good.

"I want you to go with the away-team. I think it will do you some good to get away from the ship for a while. I can handle Voyager while you're away, and you are one of the most qualified for this mission." Her expression hadn't changed from the glare, she just stared at him like he had grown horns or something.

"Are you trying to get rid of me Commander? I hardly think it's appropriate for the Captain to leave on a two week scouting mission, when the first officer is very capable of handling it. No Commander, my place is on this ship." She stood up to leave the briefing room.

"So that's all, you won't even consider it? Come on Kathryn, would you drop the attitude for one minute and talk to me. I really think you need this time away from Voyager, or is it just me you want to be away from?" Chakotay was sick and tired of her game. Janeway turned back to face Chakotay with fire in her eyes.

"You are out of line Commander. I don't need to explain my reasons to you. You are not the Captain, and until you are, I don't have to answer to you. Is that understood?" Janeway was turning beat red she was so mad. But for once Chakotay's anger was even greater. He stood up abruptly, almost knocking his chair over. Janeway took several steps toward the door. Chakotay walked over to her, standing right in front of her. For an instant Janeway was afraid of what he might do. She had never seen such anger and contempt in his eyes. They just stood face to face for what seemed like an eternity to Janeway. Finally, Chakotay just stepped aside and left the briefing room. Janeway took a deep breath, not realizing that she had forgotten to breathe. Slumping into the nearest chair she continued to take slow deep breaths to calm herself down. Why am I doing this? What's wrong with me? Chakotay, I'm sorry. It was several minutes before Janeway was able to leave the briefing room. When she entered the bridge she found that her first officer was not sitting in his chair. What if I never see him in that chair again? What if I've pushed too far? Janeway turned her gaze on Tuvok, who just gave her a slight nod. "I'll be in my ready room, you have the bridge." Tuvok didn't bother acknowledging. She had already entered her sanctuary.

------

"Tom, are you about ready to leave?" Chakotay had come into engineering to talk with B'Elanna, but seeing Tom there, he didn't want to start something that would fuel the rumor mill.

"I'm all set, just came to kiss my wife goodbye." Which is what he proceeded to do. Chakotay couldn't help the smile. It was nice to see that someone was happy on this ship. He envied his friends for being able to share and show each other affection. The only thing he'd been able to manage was to push the one person away that he would love until the day he died. After watching his friends he'd made up his mind to at least go and say goodbye. He just couldn't leave things the way they were. "Ok big guy, I'm all ready." Tom smiled wickedly at Chakotay.

"Get the Flyer ready, I'll be there in just a few minutes. I have to say goodbye to your wife too ya know." Chakotay playfully pulled B'Elanna into a hug. All three started laughing.

"Bye Tom." B'Elanna waved to him over Chakotay's shoulder. Tom, still laughing waved back as he left. "Ok Chakotay, not that I don't appreciate the hug but what's up?"

"B'Elanna, I need you to do me a favor while I'm gone." His expression looked so sad.

"Of course, what's wrong? You look like you've lost your best friend." She didn't mean to, but she'd hit the nail on the head.

"I have." He looked heartbroken. B'Elanna took his hand in hers pulling him toward her office. When they were inside, she spoke.

"What's happened between you two? It's not like it's a secret you've been at each other's throats lately. What's up?"

"Spirits B'Elanna, I wish I knew. She's been acting so strange lately, and I don't know who she even is anymore. One minute she's as nice as can be, the next she wants to kill me. I honestly don't know what in the hell I've done, but I'm worried about her."

"You're not the only one who's noticed a change in her. She's keeping to herself even more than usual."

"I've tried to get her to do things with me, but she always says no. We haven't even eaten a meal together for over three months." B'Elanna's expression changed to one of confusion.

"I thought you had breakfast with her just the other morning, at least that's what she told us." Now Chakotay looked confused.

"It wasn't me she had breakfast with. She hardly says two words to me anymore. What in the hell is going on?"

"You got me Chakotay, but I take it you want me to keep an eye on her while you're gone."

"If you would, maybe you can even get her to tell you what's wrong. I know she thinks of you as a good friend." B'Elanna put a loving hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'll see what I can do. Maybe we'll have a girl's night out and do something crazy." She gave him a reassuring smile.

"Thanks, that makes me feel a bit better about leaving. Just don't say anything about our not really having breakfast together. I'm not sure how she'll react to being caught in a lie.""I promise, now get going so you can get my husband back here sooner."

"Ok, I'm out of here just as soon as I give Kathryn this padd. I'd better at least try to say goodbye." Chakotay left engineering in a much better mood. He knew Kathryn was in good hands.

------

"Come in." Chakotay hesitantly entered the ready room. Janeway was sitting behind her desk - well behind a huge pile of padds that had collected. She peeked from around the pile smiling at him. Any anger he had remaining was gone as her smile once again touched his heart.

"Sorry about the mess, I just don't know how I've always gotten so damn many reports to go over." Chakotay was even laughing now. It seemed her earlier mood had vanished.

"What are you holding behind your back Commander? And don't tell me it's another padd."

"Ok, I won't tell you." He handed her the padd. They were both laughing now.

"Thanks for not telling me, and don't be surprised if you never see another padd again. I might just throw them all out an airlock while you're gone."

"Fine with me, I hate reports." She was still laughing as she read over the away mission report. Her smile faded when she got to the part listing who was going. The last name on the list made her stomach tighten into a knot. Crewman Karen Haze. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she spoke calmly.

"It looks like everything's in order." She handed the padd back to him. "I'll see you in two weeks. Good luck Commander." He had no idea what just happened, but her mood was once again somber. He hadn't said anything, just stood watching her. "Is there something else?" Her eyes held absolutely no readable emotion. They were just blank. It sent a chill running through him and he took a deep breath before answering.

"Just one thing Kathryn. I'll miss you, and please take care of yourself." He turned and left before his statement even registered in her mind.

------

"Doctor to Captain Janeway." He already knew the outcome of this conversation, but it was his duty as Chief Medical Officer to try.

"What is it Doctor? I'm a bit tied up at the moment." Captain Janeway was on holodeck one with Seven and Naomi. She and Seven were just about to start a game of Velocity.

"It's that time of year again. You need to come in for your physical."

"Fine, I'll make an appointment later. Janeway out." Well that went just as expected. The Doctor would just keep at her until she came in for her checkup.

"Thanks for letting me come and watch you and Seven Captain, and don't worry, I know how to keep score." Naomi was all smiles.

"You're quite welcome Naomi. Now sit back and watch your Captain kick Seven's butt." Naomi started to laugh as Seven gave the Captain a stern look.

"I do not believe that will be the case, Captain." Naomi was still laughing as Seven distracted the Captain enough to score the first point. "You were saying, Captain?"

"That's the only point I'll let you have my friend." Janeway took a rolling dive, shooting the disk in mid flight.

"Good shot Captain!" Naomi was having the time of her life. "The score is even now."

"Not for long," Janeway hissed. She was already sweating profusely after only five minutes of play. She played the game as she did with everything in her life. Giving it her all, never giving up, always the perfect Starfleet Captain.

"Captain, look out!" Just as Naomi said that Seven dove for the disk, destroying it before it smashed into the Captain. "Game point, Seven wins." Naomi wasn't sure if that was good or bad. The look on her Captain's face would suggest the later. Janeway was panting hard as the sweat dripped from her body. Her skin was flushed and her hair matted to her head. Overall she looked like hell.

"One more game Seven," Janeway rasped. The intent look on her face made Naomi flinch slightly. "I'm not going to let you beat me that easy."

"Captain, I think it would be best to continue another day. You are not looking too well."

"Seven, I don't give a damn what I look like. Another game, now! Computer, reset game." Seven glanced over at Naomi. The concern she saw on the young girl's face was felt within herself. Something was wrong with the Captain. "You'd better pay attention Seven." Captain Janeway had already scored the first point.

The game went on for a while, but it was clear to both Seven and Naomi that Captain Janeway wasn't doing well. She was soaked in sweat and gasping for air. Seven left the Captain gain a few points' lead so she'd consider ending the game.

"Captain!" Naomi screamed. It was too late; Janeway collapsed to the floor. Seven was at her side immediately while Naomi watched half scared to death. Janeway already started coming around as Seven was checking her vital signs.

"What happened?" Janeway whispered as she tried to sit up.

"Don't try to move Captain, you fainted from exhaustion. You are not well."

"I'm fine Seven." She tried sitting up again but the room was spinning. Naomi came over to them with such concern in her eyes it made Janeway feel even worse. She gave Naomi a reassuring smile. "Don't worry Naomi, I'm just fine. I'm just a little out of shape is all.""Captain, I insist you come to sickbay. I am sure the Doctor will want to check to make sure everything is fine."

"You insist Seven? I didn't know you were in command of my ship. Just because you won the game doesn't make you the Captain." Janeway sounded a bit harsh, even to her own ears. She tried to stand up again and this time she made it with Seven and Naomi's help. Her world was spinning so fast it made her see double. Looking into Seven's eyes, well she couldn't tell which was the real pair of eyes, but she knew enough to accept help. "Maybe I'll take you up on that offer to help me to sickbay." Seven and Naomi both put their arms around Janeway, helping her out the door.

------

"Well Captain, this is one way to get you in for your physical." The Doctor was clearly enjoying himself so Janeway gave him a warning look.

"I don't need any of your smart remarks Doctor. Could we just get this over with, I've got a lot of work to finish tonight."

"Sorry Captain, but you're going to stay put until I can determine why you fainted."

"I already told you, I'm just a bit run down. I'm sure a good night's sleep will fix me as good as new."

"And when's the last time you did get a good night's sleep?" Janeway didn't answer, just gave him another look. He was scanning her with his medical tricorder and it was making her nervous. He's going to know I haven't eaten anything but coffee. Damn him anyway. She tried to get up but the Doctor pushed her back down on the bio-bed. "Sorry Captain, I'm not finished yet." Now Janeway was mad.

"Well I am Doctor." This time she pushed her way up and hopped off the bio-bed. "You've done quite enough already and I feel much better." She had reached the doors to sickbay.

"Captain, please! We need to talk and I've got more tests I need to run."

"Sorry Doctor, it will have to wait." She was out the door before he could say anything more. The Doctor just shook his head in frustration. There was something wrong and he was going to find out, with or without her cooperation. He walked into his office, closing the door behind him.

"Computer, bring up all medical files of Captain Janeway. Authorization, Emergency Medical Hologram, pie, alpha, red." A few seconds later all of Captain Janeway's medical history was in front of him, well at least he thought it was all. The Doctor was determined to find out what was wrong with his Captain.

------

"Hi sweetheart, how was your adventure with the Captain and Seven? Who won the game?" Naomi didn't have a very happy expression on her face for someone who was suppose to have just had fun with two of her favorite people. Samantha took a seat beside her daughter, putting her arm around her. "Naomi, what's the matter?"

"Nothing really, I did have a good time until the Captain fainted and we had to take her to sickbay."

"Is she ok?" Samantha was more concerned than she would let on in front of Naomi.

"I don't know, but she didn't look very good. She was having a hard time keeping up with Seven. She just said she was tired." Naomi still looked concerned.

"Well I'm sure the Doctor will take good care of her. Once she gets some rest she'll be fine." Samantha gave her daughter a hug for reassurance. "She'll be fine sweetheart, I promise." That was all Naomi needed. She gave her mom a big smile.

"Can we eat now, I'm starving?" Sam started laughing at her ever hungry, growing daughter.

"Of course, go wash up and we'll replicate something special." Naomi had already run to the bathroom. As Sam got their dinner ready her thoughts were on the Captain.

------

"Come on Captain, you've said no to me every time I've asked you. Tom and Chakotay will be back tomorrow, this is our last night to have fun and be crazy."

"Starship Captains do not have fun and be crazy." Janeway couldn't stop the smile. B'Elanna was persistent.

"Yeah right. I'll bet you a week's worth of replicator rations that I can get you to have fun and be crazy." Now B'Elanna was all smiles.

"B'Elanna, you spend too much time with Tom. You need to get out more." Now Janeway was laughing.

"That's just what I had in mind. Now don't be late." B'Elanna was headed out the door.

"B'Elanna, wait! I don't . . ." The ready room doors closed and Janeway sat back in her chair with a sigh. Lieutenant, how did you manage to do that? You really must spend too much time with Tom. I don't think I'm going to get out of this one. My being the Captain doesn't work with my chief engineer.

------

"I was beginning to think you stood me up Captain." B'Elanna was sitting at the bar in Sandrine's, sipping at what was likely not synthahol. Janeway smiled as she took the seat next to B'Elanna.

"The thought had crossed my mind, but I didn't want my chief engineer to sabotage my ship, you know like dumping the warp-core or something?" Janeway just kept that innocent sweet smile plastered on her face. B'Elanna was laughing so hard, she almost choked on her drink.

"I have it on good authority that your chief engineer would never do something like that. Toss someone out an airlock maybe, but not the warp-core." Now Janeway was laughing as hard as B'Elanna. The two friends were finally enjoying themselves. To B'Elanna it was good to see Janeway let go and have some fun, something she rarely did. "Let's go sit at the table. I've got a surprise planned for dinner, and don't worry I'm buying - well actually Tom is." B'Elanna was already headed for the table. Janeway felt her stomach start to knot up.

"It's ok B'Elanna, don't waste Tom's rations on me. I'm not really hungry anyway." Janeway had joined B'Elanna at the table.

"Hey, it's not a waste, you're going to love it." B'Elanna waved Sandrine over to the table.

"Are you ready honey?"

"We're ready, bring on the food." B'Elanna could taste it already, while Janeway's stomach just tightened up even more.

"Be back in a jiffy."

"You're going to love this Kathryn." B'Elanna was so excited she didn't even notice the frown that had taken up residence on Janeway's face.

"Here you go ladies." Sandrine came back with a huge tray loaded to the brim with food. "Enjoy, and if you need anything else just holler." Janeway was just staring at the huge mound of food with wide eyes and mouth hanging open. B'Elanna already started to dig in.

"What's wrong?" B'Elanna asked with her mouth full of food.

"B'Elanna, this is a hell of a lot of food for just the two of us." Janeway hadn't dished anything onto her plate yet.

"Come on Captain, we can eat it, besides it's what you're supposed to do when it's girls night out. We eat and drink like pigs." B'Elanna went back to her plate of food, attacking it vigorously. Janeway just sighed inwardly as she scooped up a small portion of food. "That's all you're going to eat?" B'Elanna didn't mean her question to sound accusing, but Janeway was on the defensive.

"I told you Lieutenant, I wasn't that hungry." All the laughter and fun vanished from the Captain's eyes. B'Elanna swallowed her mouth full of food.

"I'm sorry Captain, I didn't mean anything by it. It's not like you have to worry about being fat or anything." Once again B'Elanna had said the wrong thing, but had no idea what, or why. Janeway set her fork down before even putting it into her mouth.

"I think I'll just call it a night Lieutenant." She already slid her chair back from the table ready to bolt.

"Captain, you haven't even touched your plate, please stay. The night's still young." Janeway was standing now.

"The night may be young B'Elanna, but I'm not. I really should go and catch up on my sleep." She headed for the door.

"But what about all this food? You said I shouldn't waste Tom's replicator rations."

"Well, you'll just have to stay and pig out, as you so aptly stated." Without a glance back Janeway left the holodeck, leaving a slightly stunned and very confused half Klingon behind. There's something very weird going on with you Kathryn, and I'd sure as hell like to know what. Looking down at all the food, B'Elanna decided to dig in. Can't waste good replicator rations, even if they are Tom's.

------

"Delta Flyer to Voyager, we're on approach." The sound of Tom's voice was music to B'Elanna's ears. She glanced at Janeway who gave her a nod to answer the hail.

"Hey Fly-Boy! It's good to hear your voice, welcome back." B'Elanna was all smiles along with most everyone on the bridge.

"It's good to be back. Can't wait till I . . . maybe I'll save that line for later." B'Elanna couldn't help the chuckle, but the Captain was the one to respond.

"That would probably be best Mr. Paris, and you'll have to wait until after the briefing meeting before you continue."

"Aye Captain, but can I just say this one thing please?" Janeway glanced over at B'Elanna, giving her a half smile.

"Go ahead Mr. Paris."

"I love you!" The entire bridge crew started laughing. Through the chuckles Janeway managed to speak.

"Excuse me?"

"Not you Captain, I mean my wife." B'Elanna was laughing too hard to even respond.

"Fine Lieutenant, now that you've broken my heart I'll just wait in my ready room. Please inform me when you're ready for the staff meeting, Janeway out." She was almost doubled over with laughter as she made her way to the ready room. The laughter didn't stop even after the doors closed.

------

"Captain, you'll be happy to know the Delta Flyer is stocked with all kinds of food. We're going to be eating high on the hog, so to speak." Neelix was ecstatic about his newly found fortune.

"Neelix, you seem a bit too happy about the food. The Delta Flyer isn't full of leola-root by chance is it?" Harry wasn't joking and he was slightly nervous about the thought.

"Not a drop Harry. The stuff we found is even better." That caused a few groans around the table. Captain Janeway was even looking a bit green.

"Enough talk about food, what other supplies did you manage to find?" She was directing her question at Chakotay who was a bit surprised. She hadn't said one word to him since they returned.

"I think you'll be pleased Captain. We were able to find most of the materials we need to repair Voyager, or at least we can convert most of the stuff." It was good to see Janeway smiling. Chakotay had a lot of time over the past two weeks to wonder if he'd ever see her smile at him again. She seemed to be in high spirits. When he'd finished his report he just sat back enjoying the good mood flowing throughout the room.

"I guess that about covers everything. If that's all, dismissed."

"Captain, what about the party? I really think the crew could use some down time, not to mention some fantastic food." Neelix could hardly wait to get his spotted hands on the pots and pans.

"Ok Mr. Neelix, how could I refuse such enthusiasm? Tomorrow night will be fine. Just keep it to a minimum, we're trying to put the ship back together not tear it apart."

"Aye Captain, you can count on me. Just a nice quiet party, you know, dinner and dancing." Janeway just rolled her eyes at the Talaxian. He had become someone Janeway certainly had a hard time saying no to. She would truly do anything for her fuzzy friend.

"Dismissed." Everyone filed out leaving only the two commanding officers. "Chakotay, I'm happy the mission went so well. I was a bit nervous, having just made a new enemy out of the Tel'Lasun." Chakotay stood up walking around the table and taking the seat next to her.

"Don't worry, we never heard hide nor hair from them, neither had anyone else we came in contact with. I'm sure they have better things to do than chase Voyager around the galaxy." Janeway managed to give him another one of her sparkling smiles before getting up to leave.

"I guess I'd better get back to work. I've still got a mountain of padds sitting on my desk." Chakotay started to laugh.

"I thought you'd have those finished by now." His smile was devilish. "So, what have you been doing for the last two weeks?" Her smile turned just as devilish. She put her hand on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze.

"Oh I can't tell you that, temporal prime directive." She missed teasing her friend and was going to take advantage of the situation. Chakotay was enjoying this side of her, she'd certainly kept it hidden lately.

"You're never going to let up on that are you?"

"Nope, you know how I love all that time travel nonsense." She theatrically put her hand on her forehead, "Gives me a headache."

"Speaking of time, it's been a long time since we've had dinner together. Would you like to join me tonight? I wont even make you eat Neelix's new concoctions, at least until someone else tries them first." Because she was standing behind him he didn't see the abrupt change in her expression."Thank you for the offer Commander, but I've already made plans. How about another time?" Janeway knew it sounded lame but she'd been put on the spot and nothing else came to mind. Chakotay was about to make a comment, but thought better of it. At least they seemed to be on friendly terms again and he didn't want to start fighting. He stood up to leave, giving her a half-hearted smile as he reached the door.

"Well, another time then. I'll see you later, I've got a shuttle to help unload." He was headed through the door before her next comment was out.

"Chakotay, I'm glad you're back." He stopped in the doorway, turning back to face her. The smile was back on his face.

"It's nice to be back Kathryn. I'll see you later."

------

"Neelix to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"I just wanted to inform you that all the arrangements for the party are ready. And I was hoping you were going to come for sure."

"Thanks for the personal invite Neelix. I won't promise, I do have a lot of work but I'll try."

"Well that's certainly better than a no. I'll see you tonight Captain." Neelix cut the com- link before Janeway could reply. After grabbing another cup of coffee, she'd just settled back at her desk to tackle the reports when the ready room door chime sounded.

"Come in." I'll never get anything done at this rate. She was pleasantly surprised to see her smiling first officer walk through the door until she saw the large stack of padds in his hand. " Commander, I hope you're just going around collecting all the padds you can for the balancing act you must be eager to perform at the party."

"Well, I haven't had enough time to practice." He took the top padd of his stack, tossing it to Janeway. "But maybe we could get a juggling act together. I'm sure the crew would love it." Janeway was laughing as she tossed the padd back to him. He missed and all the padds in his arms fell to the floor.

"Looks like you need more practice Commander." She was still laughing at him while he picked up all the padds.

"Well at least I seem to be entertaining you Captain." His smile was so addicting, Janeway thought she'd never get tired of admiring it.

"That you are Commander." She didn't offer to help pick the padds up, just sat with her arms folded enjoying the view.

"Are you going to come to the party? Whatever Neelix has cooked up, it smells good. He won't let anyone near the mess-hall but there are an unusual amount of crewmen just hanging around sniffing the air."

"You make it sound like our crew has turned into a bunch of hound dogs." Chakotay put all the padds on her desk and had taken a seat on the corner of it.

"Could be, and I seem to remember the Captain likes dogs so are you coming to join the pack?" She glanced at all the padds on her desk before answering.

"I don't know, it seems I've got even more work than I thought. Maybe if you stayed and helped me we'd get done in time to at least make an appearance?" Chakotay's smile had taken a downward tilt.

"I told Karen that I'd pick her up for the party." The frown in Janeway's eyes was breaking his heart. "I'll just have her go on ahead. There's no way I'm going to leave you to do all this work by yourself. You need this party as much as anyone, if not more. I'll just let Karen know to go on ahead then I'll come back and help you." He had already turned around heading for the door.

"Chakotay wait, I don't want you to change your plans because of me. I'll just work on what I can and we can finish up tomorrow. Don't cancel your date with Karen, I'll be fine." She was saying the words but inside she wanted to scream. Damn! When am I going to learn? "You better get going Commander, you don't want to keep your date waiting." She was trying hard to sound sincere, but the sarcasm was back in her voice.

"Kathryn, it's not really a date, and besides I'm not leaving you to do all this work. I want you to come to the party." Janeway took a deep breath trying to soften her tone.

"Chakotay, it's really alright. I'm not going to work on them all night. I might just surprise you and show up to the party after all." Like hell I will. She kept that thought well hidden. "Now get out of here so I can get finished faster." She'd already turned her attention back to her reports. Chakotay knew she was lying but he also knew there was nothing he could do about it now.

"If you're sure, but you'd better show up or I'll come looking for you." He was trying to make them both feel better but it wasn't working. She half-heartedly smiled up at him.

"Don't worry, now get out of here and that's an order." The conversation had come to its end and Chakotay left the ready room feeling like a jerk. He'd blown yet another chance to spend time with Kathryn. Why am I pulling away now when she's trying to get closer? What is wrong with you old man? He was so deep in thought he ran right into Tuvok, who was coming off the lift.

"Sorry Tuvok." Chakotay stepped into the lift.

"It's quite alright Commander."

------

Captain Janeway had been pacing around in her quarters for the past hour. She was all ready for the party but couldn't make up her mind if she even wanted to show up. She finally stopped in front of her full length mirror. She'd gone through a lot of trouble and replicator rations getting the perfect dress. She'd decided on a soft flowing long dress with a low scooping back. It had a slit up the side, which reveled quite a lot of her slender thigh. She'd chosen a pale lavender color, one of her favorites. She took another sip of her wine, which was the real thing. She'd always kept some real wine handy. You're not the only one who can hide the good stuff Commander. After putting the glass down, she made up her mind to at least make an appearance at the party. I'm the Captain after all, how hard can one little party be? Taking a deep breath, she headed out the door and walked smack into Neelix, scarring the hell out of both of them.

"I'm sorry Captain, I was just about to ring the door chime." He stepped back letting her out the door.

"Neelix, it's ok, but what are you doing here anyway? You're the host of this party, you should be there hosting it." Neelix was staring intently at the Captain, something he rarely did if ever. "Neelix, is something wrong?" Janeway felt like a bug under a magnifying glass.

"No, not at all. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare but you look so beautiful. I mean you're just so . . . WOW!" He was turning slightly pink from embarrassment and Janeway started to laugh.

"Well Ambassador, you do have a way with words. How about escorting your Captain to the party?" The smile on her face made Neelix's shade of pink a bit pinker. He just barely managed to hold out his arm for her to take.

"It just so happens to be the reason I'm here. I wanted to personally make sure you were going to come." Janeway had taken his arm as they headed toward the turbolift."Well then, I couldn't have asked for a better escort." She linked her arm through his giving him a big bright smile. Neelix was so proud to have the Captain on his arm that he felt as proud as a strutting peacock showing off his prize.

The party was in full swing by the time Neelix arrived with his Captain still on his arm. It seemed like the entire room suddenly got very quiet. Kathryn felt like a hundred pairs of eyes were on her, and she could have sworn she heard several gasps from around the room. The butterflies in her stomach started to flutter, only this time it was a good feeling.

"May I get you some champagne Captain? We've even got the real stuff." Janeway gave him a sideways glance. "Just don't ask me where I got it." He whispered close to her ear.

"I'm quite sure I already know Mr. Neelix. The Captain knows all, and yes I'd love some champagne." Neelix was still beaming with pride as he went off to get his Captain a drink. Welcomes and "you look great" from her crew immediately bombarded her. By the time she'd made it through the crowd to where Tom and B'Elanna were sitting she was on her second glass of champagne, not to mention the wine she'd had in her quarters.

"Captain, you look stunning tonight. It's great to see you having a good time for a change."

"Thank you Tom, and I'll have you know that I always have a good time." She took another sip of her drink, giving them her most captivating smile.

"Well, since you're having a good time, how about a dance with your favorite pilot?" Janeway looked at B'Elanna first.

"It's fine with me Captain, besides he's already confessed his love for you over the com-link. The whole ship is still taking about it." She was trying to be serious but the laughter escaped anyway.

"You two are impossible." Janeway was laughing just as hard. Chakotay walked up behind them, finally getting a chance to say hello.

"It sounds like you three are having a good time, mind if I join you?" He'd already taken the seat between Janeway and B'Elanna. "Kathryn, you look absolutely beautiful." He couldn't take his eyes off her and Janeway just smiled sweetly at him. She was feeling slightly light headed and didn't quite know what to say. "Would you like to dance?" Before she could respond Tom stood up, taking Janeway's hand in his.

"Sorry Commander, you'll have to wait your turn." Tom pulled the slightly intoxicated Captain into his arms and they headed for the dance floor. Janeway looked back over her shoulder, giving Chakotay a devilish wink.

"I do believe our intrepid Captain is a bit on the tipsy side." B'Elanna at last managed to pull Chakotay's eyes from Janeway with her comment. Chakotay picked up her drink, taking a sip himself.

"It's definitely the real thing, I wonder how much she's had?"

"Beats me, but you'd better keep your eye on her." Now Chakotay gave B'Elanna his full attention.

"Did you get a chance to talk with her while I was gone? She seems to be in a much better mood since I've been back."

"I tried several times and finally got her to come with me to the holodeck. She was all fun and games at first, then she just got upset about something and said she had to get some sleep."

"Did she ever hint as to what's been bothering her? "

"No, one minute she's fine and the next she wanted to bite my head off." B'Elanna had gotten a very concerned look on her face. Chakotay knew she wasn't telling him everything.

"B'Elanna, what happened?"

"I'm not really sure Chakotay, and she'll probably kill me for telling you but I'm worried about her. While you were gone she fainted on the holodeck." Now Chakotay's look was just as concerned as B'Elanna's. "I wouldn't even know except that I heard Naomi and Seven talking about it. Apparently Janeway and Seven were playing Velocity when it happened. I don't know anymore than that except they did get her to see the Doc. I guess she just got too exhausted, I don't know.""And you didn't ask her about it?"

"I wanted to but she wouldn't spend five minutes with me except on the holodeck, and then she just bolted like the ship was on fire."

"Any reason why she did that?"

"Not really, but I know she's not taking care of herself. You men might be ogling over her but frankly I think she looks too frail and thin. She's probably not eating or sleeping, who the hell knows." Chakotay once again had his eyes fixed on the Captain.

"She does look beautiful though." B'Elanna smacked him on the arm.

"Chakotay, you'd think that if she was dressed in a gunny sack with bright green hair and spots on her face." Chakotay started to chuckle.

"Well she'd be the most beautiful green haired spotted Captain in the galaxy."

"You're impossible, but speaking of beautiful things where's your date? I thought you and Karen were becoming a thing."

"A thing?" Chakotay was back in his teasing mood.

"Come on, you know damn well what I'm talking about. So what gives?"

"Nothing gives, we're just friends."

"Yea right, so where is she anyway? She did come with you tonight. What did you do, step on her toes or something?" B'Elanna was just as proficient at teasing as Chakotay was.

"Ha ha. No, I did not step on her toes. She has the early shift so she wanted to get some sleep. And we really are just friends B'Elanna. We'd thought about something more but it just didn't seem to be what either one of us wanted. She's just a lot of fun to be with and she's become a dear friend."

"I know she's fun. She's got a lot of spunk and I like her. Just answer me this big-guy, does Kathryn know that you and Karen are just friends?"

"I've told her but I don't think she really cares one way or the other, at least that's what she always says."

"Chakotay, sometimes you are so stupid. Can't you see that she's jealous? She can deny it till hell freezes over but she loves you and it hurts her to see you with someone else."

"I don't know B'Elanna, her mannerisms would suggest just the opposite. I don't see how you could love somebody and yet keep pushing him away. I really think it's too late for us." Chakotay took another sip of Kathryn's drink. Just as B'Elanna was about to reply, Tom and the Captain came back to the table.

"Hey what's with the sad faces? You're not teasing my wife are you old man?"

"Me? Never."

"Come on Tom, I think you owe me a dance now. I'm tired of sharing you." B'Elanna pulled him back to the dance floor. Janeway was still standing behind Chakotay. He could smell her perfume and he loved it.

"Commander, I believe that's mine." Janeway reached over his shoulder, grabbing the drink from his hand. She drank the rest of it in two big swallows.

"Kathryn go easy, that's the real stuff you know."

"Lighten up Commander. You're the one who's always telling me to let lose and have fun, and that's just what I'm going to do after I get another drink." She started walking away but Chakotay pulled her back. Their eyes locked intently for a few moments, then that smile broke out on Janeway's face causing Chakotay to do the same.

"You can have your drink Captain, but not until you've danced with me." She ran her hand up his chest causing an electrical charge throughout his body.

"I'm afraid not Commander. I don't think your date would like it very much if the Captain was dancing with her man." She tried to pull away but was held firmly in place by Chakotay's arm that made its way around her small waist.

"First off Captain, I'm not Karen's man. I told you, we're just friends. Secondly she's not even here. Someone, and I'm sure you know who, changed the duty schedule so that she had the early shift tomorrow." Janeway just gave him a crocked smile.

"I don't know what you're talking about Commander. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a drink." This time she managed to pull away and Chakotay was left standing with an empty glass and a really bad feeling in his stomach. He just watched as Janeway managed to down another drink and then start to dance with Neelix. "Damn you." He grumbled.

"Excuse me Commander?" Chakotay hadn't realized he'd said the words out loud. The Doctor just stood watching him."Sorry Doctor, I didn't mean you. I've just got something on my mind."

"That something wouldn't happen to be dancing with Neelix right now, would it?" Chakotay turned his full attention to the Doctor.

"Doctor, do you know something I should know? What's wrong with her?"

"Other than the fact she's been drinking too much tonight, I'm not sure what's wrong." Chakotay's bad feeling just got worse.

"Look Doc, I know you've got that patient/Doctor confidentiality crap, but if there's something wrong with the Captain I think I need to know."

"Well Commander, other than the usual not sleeping or eating right, I don't really know. I do think we should keep an eye on her, she's not acting like herself." They both glanced over at Janeway who seemed to be having the time of her life.

"No, she's definitely not." Chakotay got up to leave. "I think it's time to get our illustrious Captain to her quarters. She's going to have one hell of a headache in the morning." The Doctor smiled at the thought.

"I'm sure she'll have more than a headache," he responded as he got up to leave himself. "If you need my help Commander let me know, although it would serve her right to endure the hangover from hell." Chakotay had to chuckle because he was thinking the same thing.

"We'd both better keep that to ourselves Doctor. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a job to do."

"Good luck Commander, you're going to need it." Chakotay was already through the crowd headed for the Captain.

"Captain, may I see you a moment?" He thought he'd try the diplomatic approach first.

"What is it Commander? I'm rather busy at the moment." She had another drink in her hand and one glazed look in her eyes. Well diplomacy is out, time for plan B. Chakotay once again took the drink from her, pulling her gently by the arm.

"I think it's my turn for that dance." Turning to the group of people that gathered around he said, "If you will all excuse us." He gently led Kathryn away and to his surprise, she didn't try to pull away, in-fact she was clinging quite closely. "I think we'd better skip the dance Kathryn and get you into bed." He was walking with her toward the door.

"Commander! You're being a bit presumptuous, you haven't even kissed me yet." Part of him was enjoying seeing this very rare side of Kathryn Janeway, but the other part was concerned. Kathryn, you're not making this easy. She was leaning on him even more by the time they made it to the door. Chakotay had his arm around her literally holding her on her feet.

"Come on Kathryn, let's go."

"Chakotay I don't want to go, you promised to dance with me." She tried to pull away but didn't have the strength or equilibrium to do so.

"I'll dance with you Kathryn, when we get you to your quarters." He didn't know what else to say to get her to willingly go with him. He didn't want her making a scene in front of her crew. She smiled sweetly up at him.

"Now that sounds like a plan." She snuggled even closer to him. Chakotay couldn't count how many times he'd wanted to get this close to her, to feel her in his arms, but this wasn't how he'd ever pictured it. He'd managed to get her into the turbolift before her next move shocked the hell out of him. She wrapped both her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck, which wasn't the shocking part. It was when she started to nibble on the sensitive flesh under his right ear.

"Deck three." He managed to squeak out. "Kathryn, I don't think you really want to be doing that." Chakotay tried to pull her off him, but her hold around his neck just got tighter.

"You're right Commander, what I really want to be doing is this." Before he could react, her lips were locked onto his. Any higher brain function Chakotay had left went right out the turbolift, through the bulkhead of the ship and out into space. Every instinct told him to stop but every feeling he'd ever had for Kathryn was there on his lips as they mingled with hers. Nothing could have ever prepared him for the surge of emotions that were running rampart through him. Time had stopped and so had the turbolift. The swishing sound of the lift doors opening was what brought a fraction of Chakotay's brain back into focus. He managed to unlock his lips from Kathryn's. Her head slumped onto his chest as he realized he was holding her up completely.

"Kathryn!" There was no response. Kathryn Janeway passed out. "Spirits Kathryn, now what?" He took a good look into the corridor to make sure noone was around. Then he gently carried her to her quarters, putting in his override code for the door. Once inside he made his way to the bedroom and lay her small frame on the bed. B'Elanna was right, she really does look too frail and thin. Kathryn, what is going on? He quietly slipped her shoes off and pulled the covers over her. Just standing for the longest time watching her sleep and trying to figure out where their relationship would go from here. Would she accept what had just happened, or would she turn him away and blame him for taking advantage of her? Which he did feel bad about for not stopping the kiss. She'll probably want to kill me, but at least I'll die a happy man. Part of him wanted to stay with her and make sure she'd be alright, but common sense returned and he decided it would be safer if he was nowhere in sight when she woke up. She was going to have one hell of a hangover and he didn't want to be the recipient of the aftermath. He thought about leaving a note, but couldn't find the right words. Before he left he did have the computer turn off her alarm. She was going to be mad at him anyway, might as well let her sleep it off as long as she could.

--Part Two--

" lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night, the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay. The only blame I cast is on myself, for wanting the happiness I couldn't have, and still now, can't believe I deserve."

Don't do it Kathryn, you're going to regret it if you do. Her subconscious mind was screaming at her through the thick layer of fog that settled in her brain. At the moment, Kathryn Janeway wasn't even sure she was alive and not at all sure she wanted to be. Deciding she had to know one way or the other she cracked one eyelid open. She now had her answer. The world looked as foggy as her brain felt. She decided opening her eye was a bad idea. Closing her eye she knew she was alive, but wished she wasn't. She continued to just lie perfectly still, hardly daring to breathe. The events of last night were making their way back into her reality. The party, the champagne, the dancing, the . . . Chakotay! With that thought, Janeway's eyelids flew open, causing her to wince in pain from the light. Then the pounding in her head started, along with the rolling of her stomach. The toilet was the next thing her eyes focused on as her rolling stomach protested from too much champagne. Janeway was on the roller-coaster ride from hell. It seemed like it was going to be a never-ending ride, but eventually she managed to sit back and take a few deep breaths. Slowly she reached up, grateful to feel her combadge still attached. Tapping it lightly and cringing at the sound of her raspy voice, she called for help. "Doctor, I need you in my quarters NOW!"

"Well good morning Captain, it's so nice to hear your grouchy voice. Did you sleep well?" The Doctor knew he was going to pay dearly for his smart-ass remark, but just couldn't help it. Janeway wanted to scream at him but thought better of it. That roller-coaster ride wasn't quite over yet.

"Doctor, you are in serious danger of being deactivated. I need you NOW!"

"Take it easy Captain, I'm already here." The Doctor beamed himself right to her quarters. He knew that he, along with everyone on the ship, would be walking a thin line with the Captain, especially in her current state. The first thing he did was inject her with something to stop the pounding roller-coaster ride. Luckily for both of them it worked quite fast. When Janeway's color turned a bit less green, he helped her up and got her back to the bedroom. He then gave her another hypo which helped even more. Janeway lay back on the bed with a sigh. Her world was starting to calm down.

"Thank you Doctor, I think I'll live now."

"Captain, I . . . " He was cut off with a warning look.

"Don't start Doctor, I don't need a lecture from you right now."

"Your current state would suggest otherwise Captain. I just hope you've learned your lesson because next time I won't be so willing to help."

"Well thank you for the advice Doctor." She managed to sit up and was looking slightly better. "Now if you'll excuse me, your services are no longer required."

"Fine Captain, but may I remind you that as chief medical officer I will relieve you of duty if, in my opinion, you're not physically and emotionally fit to command this ship."

"I see, so is that your opinion? A little too much champagne and I'm not fit to command my own ship. Coming from someone who has no clue as to what it's like to be human, have emotions, or try with every ounce of your being to get this crew through the next disaster that's bound to happen, I'd say that's a pretty narrow minded opinion and one that I don't really care to hear." There was no point in him even trying to make any further comment.

"Computer, transport the E.M.H back to sickbay." He dematerialized without another word.

------

When the turbolift opened revealing the Captain, the entire bridge crew became suddenly very quiet. Without a word or a glance at any of them Captain Janeway took her command seat. Chakotay could imagine how she must be feeling, but for the life of him, he couldn't get his mouth to form the words to ask her how she was. He could hardly look at her. She managed her first word since entering the bridge.

"Report." Thankfully Tuvok took the liberty to answer for all of them.

"Everything is proceeding on schedule with the repairs to the ship. Long range sensors are detecting nothing of interest, and I'm pleased to report that not one crew member became sick from Neelix's party last night." Janeway and Chakotay made eye contact. That's what you think Tuvok. Chakotay wisely kept that thought to himself while Janeway just kept a weary eye on him. She was still suffering the effects of the hangover. Her eyes lost all their usual shine and her skin was very pale. She didn't look well at all, but Chakotay kept that thought hidden as well. Even Mr. Paris had enough brains to keep his opinions to himself this morning.

"Thank you Tuvok, I'll be in my ready room." She stood up a bit too fast and had to grab onto her chair to keep from spinning with the world around her. Chakotay jumped up, grabbing her arm to keep her from falling. She instantly pulled away from his grasp. "I'm fine Commander. You have the bridge." Nothing more was said as Janeway left the bridge, taking with her an uncomfortable heaviness that settled on everyone. Tom, of course, was the first to comment.

"I'd say Mr. Tuvok that not everybody came away from the party none the worse for wear."

"So it would seem Lieutenant. I was unaware of the Captain being out of sorts this morning. Perhaps I'd better make sure she's doing ok."

"I don't think that's a good idea Tuvok." Chakotay intervened. "Let's just give her some time and I'm sure she'll start feeling better in a few hours." Tuvok just gave the Commander his one-eyebrow-raised expression.

"If you think she'll be fine, I'll leave the Captain in your capable hands."

"Thanks Tuvok, but I doubt the Captain would want to be taken care of by anyone, especially my capable hands. Let's just give her time, she'll be fine." The bridge crew resumed their morning duties in silence.

------

"Doctor to Janeway." The Doctor was hoping he wouldn't get his head bit off, but he wanted to make sure she was doing better.

"What is it Doctor? I'm very busy." Janeway was being too snappy and she knew it. She was just not in the mood to fight with anyone, especially the Doctor. Her headache wasn't any better and she was blaming him.

"Don't bite my head off, I'm not the one who made you drink all that champagne. I just wanted to make sure you were doing better." Janeway let out a big sigh before answering.

"I'm sorry Doctor, I know you're just trying to help."

"Did you get something to eat like I told you? You need to put more than coffee into your system."

"No but I will, I've just been too busy."

"I hope I don't need to remind you that I can and will relieve you of duty if you don't start taking better care of yourself."

"No, you don't have to remind me. Janeway out." Her briskness just made the Doctor more determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with the Captain. He once again pulled up her medical file and over the next couple of hours went through every detail he could find.

Now this is interesting, I've been looking in all her files for some clue, but I think the clue is in some missing files. Why would some of her medical files be erased? His next thought was to call the Captain and ask, but he quickly changed his mind. No one else would have access to these files but the Captain. What are you trying to hide? The Doctor was more determined than ever to find the answers. He would have to be more inventive than Janeway to find the missing files, which he believed would lead him to the answers.

------

Things on Voyager had been wonderfully smooth and quiet for the last few weeks, no major problems. The ship had undergone most of the repairs that needed to be done and life was back to normal, well as normal as it could be for life in the Delta Quadrant. The command team of Voyager was a different matter all together. They hadn't said more than a few words to each other since the night of the party. They were civil on the bridge and tried to pretend things were just fine, but the only ones they were fooling were themselves. Everyone could feel the tension between them. Chakotay, along with several others had tried time and again to get Janeway to come to the holodeck, or have dinner, or any number of different activities. She came up with more excuses than stars in the Delta Quadrant, and Chakotay decided he'd had enough.

"Harry, you have the bridge. I'm going in there, and if I have to I'll drag her out by her ear." Chakotay gave Harry a big grin and he received one in return.

"Aye Commander, shall I reserve the brig for you?" Some very welcome laughter erupted on the bridge.

"Might not be a bad idea." Chakotay didn't bother ringing the door chime, he just walked in.

"Commander, is there something you need?" Janeway was not at all pleased to see the determined look on his face.

"Yes Captain, there is something I need, and you are going to give it to me." He walked over to her desk and stood directly in front of her. The determined look was firmly in place as Janeway abruptly stood up.

"I beg your pardon? Just what exactly am I going to give you?" The fire in her eyes was heating up the ready room so Chakotay closed the distance between them.

"Give me my best friend back." His smile slightly was decreasing the fire smoldering in her eyes. "I want to talk to you, to have dinner with you tonight, and I'm not leaving here until you say yes." The distance between them had now vanished and they were standing face to face, toe to toe.

"You could be here a very long time Commander." She said the words, but her body language spoke louder as Chakotay started to laugh. "You find that amusing do you Commander?"

"Yes, now I can tell Harry to cancel my reservations in the brig. I'll be spending my life here, waiting for my best friend." Janeway tried, she really tried hard to keep that fire in her eyes burning a bit longer, but it was no use as Chakotay won this round. Instead, her smile lit up the room.

"Are you sure you want to cancel your reservations? I hear the accommodations aren't too bad." The smile on her face just got a little brighter.

"I'm sure Captain. Take my word for it, they're awful."

"Then it would seem we have no choice but to have dinner tonight. I couldn't subject my best friend to such terrible accommodations." Janeway brushed her hand gently over his chest. "Now, get out of here so I can finish these reports or I'll be late for dinner."

"Ok, I'm going." Chakotay turned and headed for the door. "Kathryn, just one more thing." He turned back to look at her. "No Champagne!" He was rewarded with laughter and a flying padd that just missed his head as he backed out the door.

------

"You're right on time, come on in." Chakotay greeted Kathryn at the door. He was smiling brightly and Janeway matched his smile as she walked in holding something behind her back. "Kathryn, what have you got?" She produced a bottle of wine, smiling more devilishly. "You didn't?"

"You said no champagne, you didn't say anything about wine." She was trying to suppress her laughter but her control was slipping. Chakotay wasn't smiling.

"This isn't funny Kathryn." Her control was gone and she started laughing so hard that Chakotay thought she'd finally lost her mind.

"The look on your face Commander is by far the funniest thing I've seen in a long time."

"I'm glad I can be so amusing Captain, but you are not having any wine either." He took the bottle from her.

"Chakotay, it's not real. Don't worry, I've learned my lesson the hard way." Chakotay was standing with his arms folded and giving her a cocky half smile.

"Well, I'm glad you've learned your lesson, but I will admit you're kind of cute when you're about three sheets to the wind."

"I was not cute, and where in the hell did you come up with that expression?"

"Tom, and you were cute." Janeway's smile had vanished as she walked over to him and looked directly into his eyes.

"I owe you an apology Chakotay. That was the most un-captain-like thing I've done yet, and I've managed to do a lot of stupid things as Captain of Voyager. I'm very sorry." She looked away from his gaze. "I really made a mess of things, especially between us." He lifted her chin so she was looking at him again.

"Things between us are fine, and while I agree it was un-captain-like getting drunk, it was very human like. You have been under more pressure and constantly facing one challenge after another - more than any Starfleet Captain should or could imagine. Don't beat yourself up over a little lapse in judgement. Besides, it wasn't all that bad, especially the kiss." His cocky smile was back. Janeway playfully smacked him on the arm.

"As I recall, you didn't seem to be trying to get away." Her smile matched his now.

"I'm surprised you even remembered, you had already passed out when the turbolift stopped."

"Well some things are unforgettable even through the hazy fog of being three sheets to the wind, as you say." They both started laughing again.

"Come on, let's eat before it gets cold." He led her over to the table that was set beautifully with candles and flowers in the middle. He once again hadn't noticed her expression change.

You can do this Kathryn, you have to. She tried giving him a smile as she sat down. "It looks wonderful Chakotay." Her stomach started to tighten up at the thought of all the food. Chakotay just smiled as he handed her a plate with a heaping mountain of vegetable lasagna, green salad, and warm bread.

"Dig in, there's plenty more. I've even got coffee ice-cream planned for later."

"You do think of everything Commander." The next thirty minutes passed with light conversation and many smiles shared between the two of them. Janeway managed to keep Chakotay's attention occupied enough so he didn't notice she hadn't eaten but one or two bites of food. She just kept spreading it around on her plate, making it look less like the mountain it had been earlier.

"Seven of Nine to Commander Chakotay." They both rolled their eyes then started laughing. Chakotay managed to answer the hail.

"Chakotay here, what is it Seven?"

"Your assistance is required in Astrometrics."

"Can't it wait till morning? I'm a little busy right now."

"This will only take a moment Commander, it's important." Janeway gave him a nod toward the door indicating he should go.

"I'm on my way." He cut the com-link. "Kathryn, why don't you come with me? I'm sure Seven would want you there as well."

"No thank you, I'm not up to dealing with Seven tonight. You go see what's so important and I'll just clean up. When you get back we can finish our conversation." He gave her a questioning look. "Don't worry, I'll still be here." She stood up to start clearing off the table.

"OK, I'll just be a few minutes. When I get back we 'll have the ice-cream I promised." He left without another word. Janeway let a big sigh of relief escape. Thank you Seven. You don't know it, but I owe you a big one. She threw her full plate of food into the replicator. She was already working on an excuse to get out of eating the ice cream.

------

Janeway slowly emerged from her ready room at the end of the duty shift. It had been another long day of reports and she just wanted to get to her quarters, take a long hot bath and get some sleep. Thankfully Chakotay wasn't on the bridge so she thought she'd have an easy escape. Wrong! "Captain, may I have a word with you?" Damn! She looked back at her old friend.

"I was just heading to my quarters." She gestured toward the open doors of the turbolift. "Walk with me?" Tuvok nodded following the Captain into the lift. "You have the bridge Harry." She called out as the doors closed. Janeway just stood with her eyes closed waiting for Tuvok to say what was on his mind. She was feeling unusually exhausted and slightly dizzy.

"Captain, you do not look well and I'm concerned about you." She opened her eyes taking in Tuvok's usual expressionless face, which seemed to be showing real concern. She gave him a weak smile, not at all helpful in convincing him of her next statement.

"I'm fine Tuvok. I just haven't slept well lately."

"That may be the case Captain, but if I might add? You look too thin and I don't believe you are eating right either. You need to take better care of yourself."

"You're starting to sound like the Doctor, Tuvok." She tried to smile again but failed. "I hardly think I'm too thin, and I'm eating just fine thank you." The lift stopped and Captain Janeway started for the door but never made it. Everything around her faded to black as Tuvok caught her in his arms.

"Computer, resume lift to sickbay." The lift started moving as Janeway started coming around. She was a bit surprised to find herself in Tuvok's arms.

"What happened?" The black fog was lifting but Tuvok didn't release his hold on her.

"You just fainted Captain. We are going to sickbay."

"Tuvok, I'm just tired and I'll be fine once I get some sleep. Computer, resume to deck three."

"Computer, halt lift." Still holding her by the arms Tuvok gave his Captain an order that she was going to obey. His dark eyes left no doubt about that. "You are going to sickbay Captain. I'm asking you as a friend, but as your security officer I'm insisting. You need to make sure nothing serious is wrong. Computer, resume to sickbay." She was about to protest until his hand came up covering her mouth. "Would you like me to contact Commander Chakotay? I'm sure he will even be more insistent than I. It's your choice, but one way or the other you are going to sickbay." He removed his hand from her mouth as the doors once again opened.

"Fine, but I don't need your help getting there." She pulled away from him and stalked toward sickbay. Tuvok followed her in.

"Captain, Commander, what can I do for you?" Before Janeway could reply Tuvok cut her off.

"The Captain fainted in the turbolift. She's not doing well." He was rewarded with the death glare that had absolutely no effect on the Vulcan. The Doctor had his tricorder in hand, already running a scan over her.

"Please Captain, get up on the bio-bed. I'd like to run a few tests."

"I told you, both of you, that I'm just tired. I won't be getting any rest if you two don't stop with this mother-hen routine."

"Let me be the judge of that, now on the bio-bed." She knew she was out numbered and out of strength to fight about it. "Commander, if you'll excuse us? I need to run some scans. Thank you for insisting she come in."

"Insist, he practically drug me down here." Janeway was none too happy with her old Vulcan friend.

"Then I thank you again Commander." The Doctor was definitely happy about it. Tuvok started for the door.

"Commander." He turned back at the sound of Janeway's voice. "Not a word to Chakotay, you promised." She was dead serious and he knew it, but at the same time so was he.

"I will not say anything at this time, but I will if you don't cooperate fully with the Doctor." He left before she could protest. The Doctor had a big smirking grin on his face.

"Don't start Doctor, just get this over with." Janeway lay back and closed her eyes. The Doctor continued to run his scans in silence. He thought she might have fallen asleep until her low, tired voice broke the silence. "Are you finished yet? I would like to get some rest tonight."

"Captain, when's the last time you ate something?"

"I don't know, probably breakfast this morning with Chakotay."

"According to my scans you haven't eaten anything for over twenty-four hours."

"Well your scans are wrong. I'm quite sure I remember eating this morning." She tried to sit up, but the Doctor stopped her with a firm but gentle hand.

"Not so fast Captain, I'm not finished." He wanted to confront her on her lie but he knew it would do no good in her current state of mind. Treading lightly was the only way he'd ever get to the bottom of this. He had his suspicions, but he was lacking in fact and fact was the only way to deal with Captain Janeway. He gave her an injection before she could even react.

"What the hell was that?"

"Just a dose of vitamins. You're anemic, your body is low on almost every essential vitamin. You're tired, run down, and too thin. If you don't get the proper rest and nutrition I'll be forced to relieve you of duty. You can't run a ship when you're as weak as kitten." Janeway didn't reply, she'd been caught and at the moment couldn't think of a new excuse. "I want you to come in every day for the next few weeks. I'll give you an injection of vitamins and I want to check to make sure you're taking care of yourself."

"Doctor, I don't have time to come in every day just for a damn vitamin. Just give me enough to last a few weeks. I'm sure I can inject myself with them."

"I'm sure you could, but I'm also sure you wouldn't. For some reason Captain, you think you're above the normal standards for taking care of yourself. You may be the Captain of this ship, and you are the best Captain anyone could have asked for, but you're also the best at procrastinating when it comes to your own health. I'm sorry, but my orders as Chief Medical Officer stand. You will come into sickbay every day, no exceptions." The intense look on his face let her know he wasn't going to back down to her this time. He was the one and only person on the ship who could over-ride her orders, and this time she knew he would do it. She sat up slowly and slid off the bio-bed.

"Fine Doctor, I'll see you tomorrow." She walked out the door without a glance back in his direction. The Doctor would stay activated until he got to the bottom of this. He went back into his office.

------

Over the next few weeks the Doctor worked diligently to find the answers he needed to help Captain Janeway. She was being uncooperative as usual. He had to remind her every day to come in for her vitamin injection. He also suspected she wasn't eating, but she would refuse to stay and let him examine her. She flew in, got the vitamin, and flew right back out. She was making even the hologram crazy. After discovering there were some missing files in Janeway's medical records, he started looking through the records of other crew members hoping to find similarities between their and Captain Janeway's condition. It took some digging but he finally found something very interesting.

"Doctor to Samantha Wildman."

"Wildman here, what can I do for you Doctor?"

"I have something I'd like to talk with you about. Could you come to my office sometime today?"

"I don't know about today Doc. I've got a full schedule and I doubt I could find five minutes. Could it wait until tomorrow?"

"It's rather important, but I don't think another day will hurt."

"Ok, if I don't make it in today I'll be by first thing in the morning."

"Thank you Sam, I'll see you soon." The Doctor cut the com-link. Well, may as well get my next call over with. "Doctor to Janeway."

"Janeway here Doctor. I know what you want and I'll be there when I can. Janeway out." The Doctor just rolled his eyes knowing he would have to make the same call again before the day was through.

------

"Is the Captain going to join us?" Chakotay had come into the mess hall, taking a seat at the table with all his friends. B'Elanna asked the question, already knowing the answer would be no.

"You know the Captain. I didn't even get a chance to tell her it was dinner with all of us. She just flat out said no. Said she was busy and wanted to be alone tonight."

"And you buy that?" B'Elanna sounded a bit miffed that he would let her get away with that excuse.

"Of course I don't buy it, but she doesn't leave us much choice. When Kathryn Janeway has made up her mind, trying to change it is like trying to change the Borg." He looked over at Seven. "Nothing personal intended Seven."

"That's quite alright Commander. I am not offended, and I will agree with you that Captain Janeway is more determined than the Borg. You would have to assimilate her to get her to change her mind." Everyone around the table had to laugh at Seven's analogy between Borg and Captain. Those two had butted heads more often than not, and of course the Captain always won.

"Well I'm really starting to worry about her. She doesn't look well and she's hiding from everyone. It reminds me of the time we were in that void. She just got depressed and wouldn't let anyone help, but not this time Chakotay, if you don't do something about it I will." B'Elanna was fed up and her Klingon side was showing its determined head.

"B'Elanna, with that attitude we'll both end up in the brig. I've done everything I can think of but she just won't let me or anyone else close enough to help. I really think we should just back off and let her work this out in her own time. She always seems to come around." B'Elanna just gave Chakotay a scowl but kept her next thought to herself. Not this time Chakotay, I'm damn well going to help her. If I have knock some sense into her then that's what I'll do. They all knew it was time to change the subject and Tom was more than willing to do so.

"Hey Neelix, I've got a good idea for your next party." Everyone turned their attention to Tom.

"Well Tom, let's hear it. We could all use more fun on this ship."

"Hold on Neelix." Chakotay was still focused on Tom. "This is Mr. Paris we're talking about. Most of his ideas are best left buried in the far reaches of a jefferies tube." Everyone started to laugh. He'd successfully turned the conversation away from the Captain.

"Not all of Tom's jefferies tube ideas are bad Commander." B'Elanna smiled seductively at her husband, who returned that smile with a passionate kiss. The laughter continued.

"Lieutenant, there are just some things we don't want to know, and stay out of the jefferies tubes."

"Of course Chakotay, I always follow all your orders." Chakotay couldn't help but laugh at his friends. They had all grown so close and yet there was one special person missing from the group. Kathryn we miss you, please let us help. Chakotay put that thought away. For now he would just be happy to have his friends and to have a bit of fun with them.

------

"Hi Sam, mind if we join you?" Tom and B'Elanna walked up to the table where Samantha Wildman was sitting. She had a cup of coffee and a padd she was going over.

"Sure, have a seat. I won't be here much longer anyway. I've got to meet with the Doctor before my duty shift starts." B'Elanna smiled.

"That's always fun this early in the morning." All three had a little chuckle over that. "You're alright, aren't you?" B'Elanna asked.

"I'm just fine. The Doc just wanted to talk about something, don't know what."

"Well ladies, I hate to eat on the run but I'm on duty in less than three minutes. If I don't get out of here the Captain will have my butt." He had no idea Janeway had just walked into the mess hall, coming right up behind him. B'Elanna and Sam couldn't help the snickers. "What's so funny?" B'Elanna gestured a look over Tom's shoulder. He turned around finding Janeway standing there with her hands on her hips trying the 'I'm the Captain and buddy you're in trouble' look. She failed miserably as she ended up laughing along with B'Elanna and Sam.

"I'd say you've just been busted Tom." B'Elanna just had to rub it in.

"Well Mr. Paris, you have less than a minute left before your butt belongs to me." Captain Janeway stepped out of his way, showing him the door. Tom got one of his devilish looks on his face.

"Come to think of it, that doesn't sound all that bad." He winked at Janeway as his wife threw a very well done biscuit at his head. "What?" His answer came from all three at once.

"Go!" He turned and headed for the door, but B'Elanna had one more remark for him.

"Your butt already belongs to me Fly-boy."

"I couldn't be happier," he yelled back as the doors closed behind him.

"That man is impossible." Janeway was still laughing.

"Ya, but you gotta love him."

"I'll get back to you on that one Lieutenant. Now if you'll excuse me, I just came to get some coffee before my shift starts." Janeway started to head over to the counter where Neelix was still preparing breakfast for the crew.

"Captain, why don't you join us for breakfast? I'd like to talk to for a minute." Janeway turned back around.

"Captain, please take my seat. I've got an appointment with the Doc." Samantha stood up offering the Captain her chair.

"That's ok Sam, I don't really have time."

"Well I've got to run. I'll see you later." Samantha left the mess hall. Janeway tried one more time to get her coffee, but again was stopped by her chief engineer.

"Captain, please stay and have breakfast with me." B'Elanna followed her over to the counter where the coffee was waiting.

"B'Elanna, I don't really have time and besides I ate a huge dinner with Chakotay last night. I'm not even hungry." Janeway turned around to get her coffee. She missed the angry look she just received from B'Elanna. Bull shit, Chakotay was with us. She was just about to open her mouth to confront her when she realized that Janeway had already started walking away. B'Elanna was furious but knew better than to start a scene in front of the crew. She let Janeway walk out, fully intending to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

------

"Hi Sam, would you come into my office please."

"Sure Doctor, what's up?" Samantha was feeling a bit nervous but had no idea why.

"Sam, I'm sure you've noticed the Captain has been acting a bit different."

"I'm not sure what you mean Doctor."

"I think you do Sam." He handed her a padd. She gave him a questioning look but took the padd and read part of it.

"What are you doing with my medical files? I'm not sick, and what do I have to do with the Captain?" Samantha was clearly uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going.

"Because I think, the Captain is suffering from the same thing I found in your file." Samantha looked up from the padd and locked eyes with the Doctor. "You've suspected it, haven't you?."

"I've thought about it, yes, but I couldn't imagine that this could happen to someone like Captain Janeway." Sam stood up, walking around the room. "Look Doctor, I've spent the better part of my life fighting this but it's always there, just waiting to resurface. It's still not easy to admit I have a problem. How could I assume that Captain Janeway has the same problem? She's a strong, beautiful, admired woman and the Captain of a Starship. Someone whom I look up to, someone I've always wanted to be like."

"Sam, we've all looked up to the Captain at one time or another. She's a strong yet graceful leader. But she's only human, and I'm afraid she's forgotten that. She is trying to be perfect in an un perfect galaxy. I don't claim to begin to understand this Sam, but if we don't do something to help her it's going to be too late."

"Doctor, I'm not sure we can do anything. This doesn't just happen overnight. It's a lifetime of trying to cope, of trying to be what you think others want you to be. It can be so ingrained into you that you can't find a way out." Samantha wiped a tear from her eye.

"But Sam, you did it and you managed to take control. As you said, the Captain is a strong person, she just needs some help from her friends."

"It's not that easy Doctor. Until Captain Janeway can admit she has a problem there's nothing we can do or say that will do any good. More than likely, the more we try the more she'll pull away and deny that anything is wrong." The Doctor still had to try.

"Sam, if I set up a meeting with you and the Captain here in sickbay, would you talk to her? I'll be here with you so she won't throw you out an airlock or something. But I think it might help her to know she's not alone in this that someone else has gone through it and survived. Please Sam!"

"Of course I'll try, but we'll probably both be thrown out the airlock." She gave the Doctor a weak smile. "But it'll be worth it, even if there's a slight chance that it might help."

"Thank you Sam, I'll set it up for later today. She has been coming in for some vitamin injections so I'll just contact you when she's here. That way she can't say no."

"Ok, I'll see you later Doctor."

------

It had been over two hours since B'Elanna caught Janeway in the lie. She was in engineering trying to keep up with her work, but her mind kept wandering. It was driving her nuts trying to figure out what Janeway was up to. When she finally realized she wasn't going to get anything done until she confronted the Captain, she left engineering knowing just where she'd find her.

"Tuvok, is the Captain in there as usual?" B'Elanna walked off the turbolift looking for a fight. Tuvok could sense the tension emanating from her.

"Lieutenant, she's in her ready room working on reports. Can I help you?"

"No." B'Elanna headed for the ready room.

"Lieutenant, as security chief do I need to accompany you?" B'Elanna turned back looking at Tuvok with a half smile.

"I'm not going to shoot her with a phaser rifle Tuvok. I just need to talk to her."

"May I suggest you tread lightly then. She's already thrown Commander Chakotay off the bridge for the rest of the day. In her current state, you could end up in the brig or worse." B'Elanna started to snicker.

"What could be worse than the brig?" Tuvok just looked out through the view screen. B'Elanna got the point. Getting thrown out an airlock would be worse. "I got the point Tuvok, I'll be good." B'Elanna rang the door chime, which she hadn't planned to do until Tuvok's warning.

"Come in." B'Elanna walked in but seeing her Captain and friend behind the desk, looking so thin and hollow all of her anger just vanished. She just stood looking at Janeway's thin hollow face. The once so strong and powerful Captain of Voyager seemed just a shell of the person she once was. B'Elanna felt the tears building up in her eyes. Janeway saw them. "B'Elanna, what's wrong? Has something happened?" Janeway was clearly concerned.

"Yes, something's happened to one of my best friends." Janeway seeing the tears in B'Elanna's eyes start to make their escape got up from behind her desk and put her arms around B'Elanna in a comforting gesture. B'Elanna returned the hug. Kathryn, you're just skin and bones. What's happening to you? B'Elanna let a few of the tears escape. She was really worried sick about her friend now.

"B'Elanna, who? What's happened to them?" Janeway clearly had no idea who B'Elanna was talking about. B'Elanna stepped back from the hug but kept a hold on Janeway's hands.

"You Kathryn, something is wrong and I'm worried sick about you. We all are." Immediately B'Elanna could feel the wall go up between them. Janeway pulled her hands away and stepped back a few inches.

"B'Elanna, I'm fine, I don't know what you're talking about." The anger was making its way back to the surface again. B'Elanna took a few deep breaths before she spoke.

"You're not fine Kathryn. You're as thin as a rail. You're pale, you're always tired and you've been hiding away from everyone who cares about you." B'Elanna tried to walk closer to her but Janeway just stepped back, keeping her arms folded in a 'don't touch me' attitude.

"There's nothing wrong B'Elanna. I've been under a lot of stress and maybe I've missed a few meals, what's the big deal? You're all acting like my mother. I'm a grown woman who can take care of herself." B'Elanna's anger was back.

"You may be a grown woman, but you sure as hell aren't taking care of yourself. What's the matter with you? You look like you're starving yourself to death." Janeway was on the defensive now and her temper was reaching warp velocity.

"You are out of line Lieutenant. I eat plenty, and who are you to tell me otherwise?"

"I'm out of line? I'm not the one lying to my friends. I'm not the one who's starving myself to death. When you said you ate with Chakotay last night, you were lying. He was with us last night having dinner. Remember, you wouldn't come with him. You can drop the game Kathryn, now what in the hell is going on?" The warp core was about to blow.

"Get out! I don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else on this damn ship." Janeway turned her back to B'Elanna, which just made the half Klingon fully Klingon for the moment.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. You may be the Captain, but you aren't above needing help from people who care about and love you. And I'll be damned if I'll just sit by and watch you kill yourself." B'Elanna came behind Janeway and stood in her path of escape.

"Lieutenant, you are about ten seconds away from spending the rest of our journey in the brig. Now get the hell out of my way!" B'Elanna could almost feel the shooting daggers hitting her from Janeway's eyes. B'Elanna backed up slightly.

"If that's what it takes, so be it Captain. I'm not giving up on you. You may think you're the most pigheaded person on this ship, but you and I both know you've met your match." The shooting daggers were being thrown back at Janeway.

"Have it your way, Lieutenant." Janeway tapped her com-badge. "Mr. Tuvok, I need you to escort Lieutenant Torres to the brig." Neither one had broken eye contact.

"Captain?"

"Now Mr. Tuvok." A few seconds later Tuvok walked through the door. Seeing, and literally feeling the stress in the room, he gently took B'Elanna by the arm escorting her out of the ready room. He had no intention of putting her in the brig but felt best not to question the Captain right now.

------

"Commander Tuvok to Captain Janeway." Tuvok was met with only silence over the com-link. "Tuvok to Janeway, please acknowledge." There was still no response from the Captain. Now Tuvok was getting a bit nervous, even for a Vulcan. He had been in command of the bridge for the last few hours while the Captain had been in her ready room, supposedly working on the usual mountain of reports that never seemed to get finished. Tuvok turned the bridge over to Ensign Kim and headed for the ready room. Harry Kim gave him a concerned look, one that Tuvok understood all too well. As of late they had all been worried about Captain Janeway, something more than the usual Delta Quadrant catastrophes was affecting their Captain and friend. He had already pressed the door chime twice with no response. "Computer, override security lock Tuvok, 4, 7 beta, 9." The doors slid open as Tuvok rushed in. He was unprepared for the sight that confronted him. Captain Janeway was lying on the floor of her ready room with a broken coffee cup in her hand. Tuvok was at her side in an instant checking for her vital signs. As he brushed the tangled hair from her face he could see her lips were a distinct shade of ash blue. Her skin was so pale it was almost transparent. Captain Janeway wasn't breathing. "Transporter room one, emergency beam out to sickbay." Tuvok, with his Captain and dear friend in his arms, dematerialized from the ready room.

------

"Doctor! She's not breathing." Tuvok carried Janeway over to the bio-bed. Immediately the Doctor and Lieutenant Paris were at her side.

"What the hell happened?" Tom's expression of shock was literally mirrored on Tuvok's face. He didn't answer Tom's question. The Doctor had already given her 20 cc's of annaprovalyne.

"Cortical stimulater, NOW!" The Doctor was in a state of panic himself, and for a hologram that was quite a feat. His concern and compassion ran deep for Captain Janeway, an emotion he couldn't quite grasp but felt nonetheless. "Again Mr. Paris." Janeway's body jerked under the electrical jolt.

"Doctor, it's not working, do something!" Tom lost all sense of composure.

"I'm doing everything I can. 20 more cc's annaprovalyne." Tom put the hypo to his Captain's neck as he prayed silently for her to breathe. There were no life signs, no breathing, and no heart rhythm. Captain Kathryn Janeway was dead. Tom was crying as the Doctor stepped back from the bio-bed. "Time of death . . ." He didn't finish his pronouncement as Commander Tuvok leaned over his friend and started breathing into her mouth using old fashion CPR. Tom knew just what Tuvok was up to, and joined him with the chest compressions. The Doctor, seeing what they were doing, put another 10 cc's annaprovalyne to her neck. Tom was the first one to notice the blip on the monitor.

"Doc, we've got a heart rhythm." Just as he said the words Janeway took a gasping breath. Both Tom and Tuvok stepped back, letting the Doctor take over again. Tom wiped the tears from his eyes as Tuvok just stood silently watching. Captain Janeway was alive and breathing on her own. After a few more chocking breaths she opened her eyes. Her expression was one of confusion and disorientation. Focusing on Tuvok, she spoke in a raspy whisper.

"What happened, why am I in sickbay?" Tuvok's only response to her pleading question was a strong but gentle hand on her shoulder, then he turned and left sickbay. Janeway turned her questioning look to the Doctor. "What's going on Doctor?" One look from the Doctor and Tom knew it was his turn to leave. After trying to give Janeway a smile, he followed Tuvok out the door. Janeway had regained enough of her wits to assess the situation and she knew it wasn't good. "Just tell me Doctor, what happened?" She was even trying to sit up but was too weak to make much progress. Laying back on the bio- bed, she closed her eyes as the room started to spin.

"Captain, you're too weak to sit, just lie still." Without opening her eyes she responded.

"That much I figured out on my own. What I'd like to know is what the hell happened?"

"WHAT HAPPENED CAPTAIN?" At the sound of his angry tone of voice Janeway opened her eyes to look at him. "IS THAT YOU WERE DEAD!" His angry tone hadn't softened any with this bit of information.

"WHAT!" Her eyes had such a haunted forlorn look that the Doctor, as much as he wanted to, couldn't stay angry at her.

"I'm sorry Captain. Tuvok found you on the floor of your ready room. When he got you here to sickbay you weren't breathing. We tried everything we could to bring you back but nothing was working. I was about to pronounce your time of death when Commander Tuvok and Mr. Paris started CPR. It's nothing short of a miracle that I'm even talking to you now. From all medical standpoints you were, and still should be dead." The Doctor noticed the tears slipping from her eyes. His heart, although he didn't really have one, felt like it was squeezing in his chest. He cared for Captain Janeway as much as anyone on Voyager and he knew she would hate him for what he was about to do, but he had no real choice. "Captain, if not for your friends you would have died. They all love and care about you, me included. And right now you are going to need your friends to help you through this."

"Help me through what? What are you talking about?"

"You have a disease Captain, and until you recover and get the help you need I, as Chief Medical Officer aboard this ship, do hereby relieve you of duty effective immediately."

~~Part Three~~

"The reflection staring back at me is not what you see, my guilt running the need to destroy my duration, forcing me to seek guidance on an empty plate of stolen dreams and fractured rainbows. Starvation fills a void inside when it's approval from you I crave. The desire for food is gone and you are there again, yelling, so negative. Times like this filled with the pounding urge to run far away and disappear."

Janeway's head was pounding so loudly it took her a few minutes to register what the Doctor just said. "You can't be serious Doctor, you can't just relieve me of duty because I skipped a few meals. I don't have a disease." The anger in her voice was making her head pound even more, but she felt like she was ready to explode.

"I'm sorry Captain, but I have every right to relieve you of duty when in my opinion you're not physically and emotionally capable of running this ship. And that is my opinion at the moment." Janeway started to struggle against the restraints the Doctor had the foresight to activate. "Captain, if you don't stop fighting I'll have to sedate you as well." Janeway was as close to wanting to kill someone as she'd ever been in her life.

"Computer, deactivate the E.M.H." The Doctor just stood over her with concern written on his face.

"It won't work Captain, your command codes have already been deactivated. Commander Chakotay is now the acting Captain of Voyager."

"I want to see Chakotay, now!" The Doctor put another hypo to her neck. Janeway felt the cool hiss of the medicine start running through her blood stream. Before she could say another word, her world once again started to fade as the sedative took effect.

"Doctor, what's going on? The computer alerted me to . . . " Chakotay, seeing Kathryn on the bio-bed stopped in mid sentence and ran over to her. "What the hell happened?" He had already taken her hand in his.

"Commander, she's just sleeping for now. I need to talk to you, but not out here. Please come into my office and we'll keep an eye on her from there." The Doctor started walking toward his office. Chakotay was hesitant to leave Janeway but he needed to know what was happening. He followed the Doctor and they closed the door behind them.

------

Two hours later Chakotay was still sitting by Janeway's side holding her hand. His mind was still in shock from what the Doctor told him. He knew she hadn't been eating or sleeping right, but he had no idea how bad it really was. Kathryn, why? I don't understand. We almost lost you forever. Spirits Kathryn, you were dead. Chakotay wiped a dribbling tear from his face. His entire world would have been shattered if they had lost her for good. He was crying for her, for what had been happening between them, and most importantly, for what she would have to endure to get better. He knew without a shadow of a doubt, that the first thing she would do when she woke up, was try and talk her way out of everything. She would end up blaming him, which he could handle. What bothered him was he would have to be tough on her over the next few weeks, and that broke his heart. All he really wanted to do was to take her in his arms and hold her until all the pain was gone. He wiped at another tear as he heard her moan. He had her one hand in both of his as her eyes started to flutter open. His smiling face was the first thing Janeway saw, and for a few moments she was happy until memory started coming back. The instant look of shock on her face let Chakotay know all hell was about to break loose. He was very glad she was still restrained. She pulled her hand away from his, which surprised Chakotay slightly that she had that much strength left.

"Commander, where's the Doctor? I want to be let out of here now!" Her eyes held all the anger that her body was incapable of showing right now. Chakotay was slightly nervous.

"He's just over in his office Kathryn. He thought it best if I talked to you alone first."

"Fine Chakotay, go tell him that I'm perfectly fit to command my ship. I want the access codes returned and I want out of this damn restraint so I can get back to work." Chakotay didn't move, he just sat staring at her with tears pooling again in his eyes. "That's an order Commander."

"I'm sorry Kathryn, I can't do that." He could actually feel the hatred burning him from her eyes. "This is for your own good Kathryn. We're all worried about you and we're going to do everything we can to help you."

"If that's true you wouldn't be holding me here, you wouldn't take my ship from me. Now give me back command of Voyager!" Chakotay's heart was breaking.

Kathryn, I'm so sorry. "I can't do that, not until you get better." Before she could burn a hole right through him with her eyes the Doctor came over to help.

"How are you feeling Captain?"

"Go to hell Doctor." Not quite the response he expected, but at least she was alive to give him one.

"Not the most captain like statement I've heard."

"Well, since I'm not the Captain, go to hell."

"Kathryn please, we're only trying to help. Please calm down." Chakotay was trying his best to get her to relax and listen to them.

"Fine Commander, are you going to give command of my ship back to me?" The pure hatred in her eyes was a look he wasn't prepared for. It made him cringe even though he knew she didn't really mean it. He tried taking her hand again, but she pulled away.

"I can't do that right now. You need time to . . . "

"I don't need time for anything and I sure as hell don't need you. Get out Commander, go run your ship." She turned her head so she didn't have to look at him.

"Kathryn please!" The tears were back in Chakotay's eyes. The Doctor put a hand on his shoulder.

"Commander, maybe it's best if you leave. It's not doing her any good getting so upset. I'll take good care of her and she's not going anywhere." Chakotay didn't look at all convinced, but Janeway wouldn't even turn her head to acknowledge he was even there. With a sigh Chakotay just walked out of sickbay.

The Doctor checked all the Captain's vital signs then gave her another hypo. This time it was just vitamins and nutritional supplements. Janeway turned her hatred filled eyes on the Doctor. "Don't worry Captain, it's just vitamins. I'm not going to sedate you again unless you leave me no choice." She didn't say a word, just closed her eyes this time. "Now, are you ready to listen?" He received no response. "I'll take that as a yes. First off Captain, I want you to understand how serious this is. You were dead, and only because your crew loves you I'm here talking to you now." He knew that got her attention from the tears trickling down her face. The Doctor handed her something to wipe her eyes with but he had to continue, she had to know how serious this was. "Captain, how long have you had this disease?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a disease."

"No, not in the sense that you contracted a deadly virus like the phage. This is a self-inflicted disease, both physical and psychological, and I'm quite certain you know that."

"Well you're the Doctor so why don't you tell me just what disease you think I have." Her angry tone had lessened slightly, but the fire in her eyes hadn't washed away with the tears.

"Anorexia Neuroses." He waited for a reaction from her but she just closed her eyes again. "I see you've heard of it. I have to say Captain, you did a fine job in hiding it and deleting your medical files. I may never have found out what Anorexia Neuroses was if I hadn't kept digging."

"Just how did you find out? There's no way you could have gotten those deleted files."

"Give a hologram some credit Captain. I have my sources. I would like to talk to you about that at a later time, but first things first. I'm going to do everything I can to help you through this." She started to say something but he cut her off. "You can rant and rave all you want Captain, but I'm not giving up and neither will anyone else on this ship. You are going to learn to accept help from your friends. You can beat this Captain but you don't have to do it alone ever again." Janeway diluted all the fire in her eyes this time. The tears were flowing like a river down her face.

"How many of the crew know?" she managed to ask through the choking tears. The Doctor wiped her eyes for her this time.

"Well I'm sure the whole ship knows something has been wrong with their Captain, but only myself, Commander Chakotay and Samantha Wildman know about the Anorexia."

"Sam? Why would Sam know?"

"It's a long story Captain, one I'll leave for her to tell you."

"Fine, can I go back to my quarters now? I'm really tired and want to sleep in my own bed."

"I'm sorry Captain, you are in no condition to go anywhere. You need intensive care right now. Your body has suffered from lack of nutrition for a long time. It's going to take more than a few hours to undo the damage." He could see she didn't even have enough strength left to fight him anymore. "I'm going to give you a mild sedative Captain, you need to get as much sleep as possible for the next day or two." He put the hypo to her neck without another complaint from her. The Doctor just stood for a few moments watching his Captain until he was sure she was sleeping. He was confident he could help her through the physical healing, but her emotional healing was a different matter altogether. Now more than ever, he wished they had a counselor onboard.

------

"Chakotay to the Doctor, how's the Captain doing this morning?"

"Sorry Commander, she still won't let anyone in to see her. Physically she's doing a little better. I've been giving her nutritional supplements every few hours. She's still refusing to eat more than a bite, but her stomach is so accustom to having no food that it's going to take some time for her to get used to eating. She claims anything makes her nauseous."

"Has she talked about it at all Doctor?"

"No, she's keeping very quiet. I wish there was something I could do for her, but she just isn't ready yet. It's going to take time Commander."

"Do you think if I send Neelix down with a bite of food and maybe some coffee that she'd see him?"

"It's worth a try, but make sure he knows to go light on the coffee. That's about all the Captain has lived on for who knows how long."

"Understood Doctor. Please keep me informed, Chakotay out." Chakotay rubbed at his tired eyes. He hadn't gotten any sleep in the last 36 hours. He'd been so worried about Kathryn and she wouldn't even let him see her. This had been hard on the whole crew. Most of them didn't know what happened to their Captain, but they were all worried and wanted to do anything they could to help. She just wouldn't let any of them. Maybe Neelix would have the magic touch. He tapped his combadge again. "Chakotay to Neelix."

"Neelix here Commander, what can I do for you?"

"Neelix, would you come to the ready room as soon as you can? I've got a special mission for you."

"Aye Commander, I'll be there in a jiffy." Chakotay stood up to stretch his tired muscles while silently praying that someone would get through to her. Please Kathryn, let us help you. Chakotay got a cup of tea and sat back at the desk to start on the pile of reports he'd neglected. The door chime sounded.

"Come in Neelix." The eager Talaxian hurried right in. "Have a seat Neelix. I have a very important request for you." Neelix was instantly somber. He knew this was going to have something to do with the Captain and he'd been just as worried as anyone else on Voyager.

"I'll do anything you ask Commander." There was no laughter in the usual joking Talaxian this morning.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask Neelix."

"I'm sure it has something to do with Captain Janeway, and I'd do anything at all for her." Chakotay had to smile at his friend. He knew how close he was to Kathryn. He wasn't quite sure how he'd managed it, but Neelix had become a very close friend to Janeway, kind of like a brother. They watched out for each other.

"Neelix, I'm not sure how much you know or even how much to tell you, but you may be the only one right now who can help her."

"I know how sick she is Commander, the whole ship knows about how she almost died. No one really knows what the details are, but that doesn't matter. We all just want her to get well. I'll do anything I can to help."

"Thank you Neelix. It means a lot to hear that the crew is so willing and devoted to help. Maybe you could tell the Captain that because she might listen to you."

"Will she let me in to see her? The last we heard sickbay was off limits, well unless you needed medical care."

"I can't promise she'll let you in to see her, but I think you've got a better chance than anyone else on this ship."

"I would have thought that you would be the one she'd want by her side."

"Nope, I'm the last one she wants to see right now. She's angry and doesn't know where to aim that anger so I just happen to be the target."

"I'm sure she doesn't mean it Commander. You know how she can get when she's forced into something she doesn't like."

"I know Neelix, and she can hate me forever as long as she gets better. That's all that's important. We just want her back, and if hating me will help in that I can handle it." Neelix got a goofy grin on his face.

"One thing's for sure Commander, Captain Janeway doesn't hate you. Quite the opposite." Chakotay couldn't stop his own goofy smile. Somehow it felt good to hear that Kathryn didn't really hate him. Even if the words didn't come from her.

"Thanks, now go work your magic on the Captain, she's the one who needs cheering up."

"My pleasure." Neelix got up to leave.

"And Neelix, make sure you take a bit of coffee as a peace offering. It may just be your ticket in."

"You read my mind Commander." He departed the ready room leaving Chakotay still smiling.

------

Neelix entered sickbay with coffee cup in hand. The Doctor was just finishing his latest scans of the Captain so he motioned for Neelix to come over. Janeway hadn't noticed Neelix's arrival. The Doctor quietly stepped away as Neelix walked up to the Captain. Without a word he sat in the chair by her bio-bed just holding the cup of coffee. She glanced quickly over at him, but turned her head away just as quickly. Neelix just sat patiently waiting for her to make the first move. He was a bit surprised she hadn't kicked him out already. The silence went on for several minutes until Janeway finally looked over at him again. Her expression was very cold and uncertain. Neelix just smiled at her and held the coffee cup slightly closer.

"Just coffee?" The first words spoken between them. Janeway's voice was even more low and raspy than usual. Neelix could tell she hadn't spoken much in the last few days. His reply was just as simple.

"Just coffee." He held the cup even closer this time. Janeway reached over and took the cup from his hand. First she just inhaled the aroma. She had existed for over two days without her drug of choice. The smell alone was intoxicating for her. Slowly she sipped at the coffee which was only a fraction of what she was used to, but she was grateful for what she could get.

From his office the Doctor was watching the whole exchange with a smile on his face. The Talaxian managed to get more conversation from the Captain than he had done in the last two days. She wouldn't say anything at all to him. She just refused to see or talk to anyone who happened to show up. It wasn't much, but it gave the Doctor a glimmer of hope that his Captain would recover. He watched as the Captain put her hand over Neelix's hand thus keeping the Talaxian from leaving. Even a better sign. The Doctor went back to his work.

"Neelix, please stay just for a few minutes." She looked so pleading and so alone that it brought tears to his eyes. He held her hand in his, no conversation, just the touch of a friend. Janeway relaxed and was asleep in no time.

------

"She was sleeping when I left Commander." Neelix found Commander Chakotay in engineering. He'd been talking to Lieutenant Torres and neither one of them looked too happy.

"Did she say anything to you about what happened?"

"No, she just asked me to stay with her. She just wanted someone there."

"Why wont she let anyone else in to see her? Chakotay, we have to do something." B'Elanna was as close to tears as Chakotay could ever remember seeing his tough Maquis friend. "I feel like it's all my fault. If I hadn't made her so mad she wouldn't have almost died." B'Elanna let her tears escape as Chakotay pulled her into his arms.

"B'Elanna, don't blame yourself, you didn't know. None of us did. If anyone is to blame it's me. I'm supposed to protect her and make sure she's taking care of herself." B'Elanna's anger was coming back.

"That's crap Chakotay, she's so damn pigheaded she won't let anyone help her." B'Elanna was clenching her fist in frustration. "I'm so made at Janeway, at myself, at the whole damn Delta Quadrant. I just want to hit something and hit it hard!" Both Chakotay and Neelix backed up a few steps. Chakotay was wondering if he should call security, when B'Elanna started laughing. "If you could see the look on your faces." B'Elanna kept laughing as Chakotay and Neelix looked at each other. Neelix cracked first, then Chakotay joined his friends. It felt good to release some of the pent up emotion they had all been feeling lately. B'Elanna was still wiping at her eyes when the laughter subsided.

"Thanks B'Elanna, I think we all needed that."

"No problem, but I don't really feel much better."

"It's not going to do any of us any good to blame ourselves. As much as we all want to take the pain away, Kathryn has to accept this on her own. None of us will be able to help her until she accepts she has Anorexia and that she needs help. If I could, I'd take all of it away but that's the worst thing we can do. We have to let her come to terms with it and learn to deal with it on her own."

"Chakotay, what if she won't? What if the next time we lose her for good?"

"Lieutenant, Commander, I don't think that's going to happen." They both turned to face Neelix.

"How do you know that?" B'Elanna asked a bit too harshly.

"I think I know Captain Janeway pretty well, and from what I saw earlier she's scared. She may not have accepted this yet but she'll come around. She needs time and she will need her best friends to be there for her. We all just have to hang in there, she'll talk when she's ready." He gave them both his biggest goofy grin.

"Thanks Neelix, I guess we'll just have to take your word for it since she won't let anyone else see her. Will you give her our love when you see her later today?"

"Of course I will Commander." Neelix was heading for the door, but turned back to his friends. "Don't worry, she'll be fine." Without another word he left engineering.

"I hope he's right Chakotay." Chakotay pulled B'Elanna in for another hug.

"So do I B'Elanna, so do I."

------

"Captain, I hope I've made myself clear, I will not back down from this not even once." Janeway, who was sitting on the end of the bio-bed dressed in comfortable off duty clothing, just glared at the Doctor.

"Crystal clear Doctor, now may I go?" The Doctor put both of his hands on her shoulders looking directly into her eyes. The sudden closeness surprised Janeway, but she didn't pull away.

"Not one nutritional supplement missed or you'll be back here before you know what happened." He still hadn't released his hold on her shoulders. "I may not be human Captain, but I care about you and I refuse to let you die from this." Janeway wasn't quite sure how to respond so she just nodded her head. Then the Doctor did something that surprised her even more. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Computer, beam Captain Janeway to her quarters." When Janeway materialized in her quarters she found a tear slipping down her cheek.

------

After a long hot bath, Captain Janeway sat on her couch with a novel she'd been meaning to dive into for a long time. She tried to concentrate on the book but her mind kept wondering. Her emotions were so jumbled. She was furious that her crew found out what she had been doing to herself, and yet there was a part of her that felt relief that she had been found out. She felt isolated and alone, but glad that she didn't have to face her friends. She'd even thought about contacting Chakotay, but knew she wasn't ready. Life had become such a mess for the Captain of Voyager. As she sat gazing at the stars streaking by her thoughts drifted to a time long ago, a time she hadn't thought about for many years, when she and her sister Phoebe had it all. When her father was still alive, when he had the time to just be with them. She thought of her mother and the warm smiling eyes that she'd almost forgotten. Oh mom, I miss you so much. I miss your arms around me, the way you would always make me feel better. I even miss the times when you insisted I eat all those brownies, that they would make me feel better. If I could just go back to when my life wasn't so complicated, when it didn't matter to me if I wasn't as pretty as Phoebe, or as thin. She had all the boys, but I had the brownies and I had you mom. Janeway closed her eyes as she felt the dam break. Finally letting go, she drenched the back of the sofa with her salty tears.

Janeway hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until the door chime kept ringing in her sleep-clouded mind. Glancing over at her clock, she knew who it would be. Neelix was due to bring her dinner, another demand from the Doctor. She sat up wiping at her eyes, and called for him to come in.

"Captain, I was starting to worry about you." Neelix walked in but stayed close to the door like he was hiding something.

"I'm fine Neelix, I just fell asleep on the couch. You can come in, I won't bite."

"I hope you don't mind Captain, but I brought someone with me." Janeway had an instant frown cross her face.

"Neelix, I don't want to see . . ." She stopped in mid sentence when she saw who he'd brought. "Naomi!"

"I'm sorry Captain. I won't stay if you don't want me here." Naomi looked down at her feet. "I just wanted to make sure for myself that you were ok." She started to back out the door.

"Wait, Naomi please stay. I'm glad you're here." Janeway held out her arms and Naomi ran to her. Janeway just held her in a tight bear hug. "I'm sorry I made you worry about me Sweetheart." Janeway felt more tears coming although she couldn't imagine how she could have any left.

"We're all worried about you Captain. I thought maybe my mom and Neelix were just trying to hide the truth from me, I thought maybe you were dead and they just wouldn't tell me." It broke Janeway's heart to know just what she had put so many people through. Those waiting tears made their way down Janeway's face. She just held Naomi in her arms not trusting her voice for the moment. Thankfully Neelix came to the rescue once again.

"Naomi, let's get the table set for dinner. Remember, you've got a surprise for the Captain." That tore Naomi from Janeway's arms and a smile broke out on her face.

"OK Captain, you have to go in the other room until we're ready. It won't be a surprise if you're watching." Janeway stood up, wiping the tears from her eyes. She actually managed a real smile at Naomi.

"Well, I better get out of here then. Just holler when you're ready." Walking past Neelix on her way to the bedroom she gave him a thank you with her eyes. He just nodded in understanding.

------

"Commander, I don't think they are going to answer our hail."

"Why not?" Before Tuvok could answer Voyager was hit with a phaser blast from the approaching vessel. "Guess that's why not. Tuvok, target their phaser banks, let's see how they like our reply." Tuvok obeyed his commanding officer with a slightly raised eyebrow. It wasn't like Chakotay to fire so quickly on an unknown enemy.

"Now they're trying to hail us Commander." Harry spoke up.

"On screen." The screen filled with the image of a mostly human looking species. Except for their rather beaver like teeth, and the three claw-like fingers on his hands he looked like a human.

"Who is the Captain of this vessel?"

"I'm acting Captain. Who are you and why did you fire on us?" Chakotay was in no mood to play cat and mouse with beaver face.

"My name is Remik. We fired on you because you're in our way."

"It's a pretty vast galaxy Remik, why don't you just go around us?" Remik, along with several others on his ship started laughing.

"Why should we go around? We were here first." Chakotay just rolled his eyes in frustration.

"What exactly are you doing in the region?"

"The same thing you're doing here Captain." Remik folded his arms in a gesture that was remarkably like Captain Janeway's. Chakotay almost smiled at the thought.

"I would doubt that Remik. We're just trying to get home."

"You expect me to believe that you're just passing through and have no intention of going to the third planet in this system." Chakotay looked back at Seven who gave him a slightly confused expression.

"Remik, let me get back to you on that." Chakotay waved for Tuvok to cut communication.

"I don't know what he's talking about Commander. According to all of our information there are only two planets in this system, both uninhabited."

"Could our sensors be malfunctioning?"

"Not according to my scans. I should go to Astrometrics to see if we can find this missing third planet."

"Get on it Seven, let me know as soon as you have something. Tuvok, open channel."

"That was quite rude Captain. You should really be more polite to those who threaten to destroy your ship." Chakotay just stood with his arms folded now. Two can play this game Remik.

"I don't take kindly to threats Remik. I would suggest you back off, your ship is no match for Voyager."

"Fine Captain, but don't think you've seen the last of us." Remik cut communications.

"Tom, let's hold position until we can determine what the hell Remik was talking about. Tuvok, stay at yellow alert." Chakotay was about to head for the ready room when a call came over the com.

"Janeway to the bridge, what's happening up there?" Chakotay stopped in mid stride, looking back at Tuvok who just gave him a slight nod indicating he wasn't going to answer the hail. Chakotay sighed before answering.

"Captain, everything is just fine. We just ran into another bully. Everything's under control." He tried to sound convincing but knew it was pointless. In Janeway's current state she wouldn't have believed anything he said.

"Thank you for that insightful report Captain." She cut the com-link before Chakotay could say anything more. He just walked into the ready room.

------

Chakotay had been in the ready room for over two hours. He'd tried to concentrate on his work and the new situation with Remik, but found his mind kept wandering back to the Captain. He'd almost called her three times but knew she'd just cut the communication before he even had a chance to explain things. He'd finally made up his mind to just go to her quarters and make her listen to him. He was just about to leave the ready room when he was contacted by Seven.

"Commander, would you come to Astrometrics? There's something I think you should see." After a deep sigh he answered.

"I'm on my way Seven." Walking out of the ready room he turned the bridge over to Tuvok and headed for Astrometrics. Talking to Janeway would just have to wait.

"Commander, I've found the missing planet." Seven didn't even turn to look at Chakotay as he entered. He couldn't help smiling at his ex-Borg friend. She had a way with stating the obvious. The planet was clearly marked on the large grid in front of them.

"So, where's it been hiding?" Chakotay walked up to stand by Seven not taking his eyes off the grid.

"It's always been there Commander, our sensors just couldn't detect it until now. The planet is surrounded by a multi phasic gaseous ring."

"What kind of ring, and where did it go?"

"Unknown, but I believe it is man-made." Chakotay gave her an inquisitive nod to continue. "The inhabitants of the planet are the same as this Remik and I believe they have devised a way to hide their planet from outsiders." Chakotay walked up the steps to get closer to the image of the planet.

"What are they trying to hide? It doesn't look like there's anything special on the planet."

"I'm not sure Commander. My scans haven't shown anything that would be so important as to hide a planet from the rest of the galaxy." Just as she stated that, the planet started to fade out on the grid. Within thirty seconds it was gone and Chakotay looked back at Seven. She gave him the same inquisitive look she'd gotten from him. "I guess the planet is hiding again."

"Must be. It would seem they have to turn off their shielding, or whatever it is to get to and from the planet." Chakotay started to head for the door. "I'd better go see if I can get our friend, Remik, to answer a few questions. Let me know if you come up with anything else." Seven nodded as he left. Chakotay wanted to talk to Kathryn but he had to be the Captain first, so he headed back to the bridge.

------

Janeway had been pacing around her quarters ever since the brief conversation with Chakotay. It was driving her crazy not knowing what was going on even though she knew it was her fault for cutting the com-link before she got any real answers. She just couldn't help feeling so frustrated and cut off from her ship. They're all treating me like I have some horrible contagious disease. I feel like a criminal on my own ship. The Doctor just left and had ordered security guards to stand outside her door just incase she got any idea of leaving. He'd been rewarded with several items thrown at him, which went right through his holo-matrices. Janeway bent down to pick up a cup that had been one of the flying objects. She sat on her couch with a deep sigh. She was still so lightheaded and tired all the time. I really am as weak as a kitten. What's become of you Janeway? You're pathetic. Laying back and closing her eyes she continued to go over her new situation. Maybe I should contact Chakotay, give him a chance to explain things. She was suddenly jolted upright as the ship rocked, sending the cup she'd been holding back to the floor. Following her first instinct she ran for the door. The ship was rocked again, even harder this time. Once the doors opened she was met with the security guards blocking her path.

"I'm sorry Captain, we can't let you leave." The ship rocked again. Janeway was furious.

"Like hell I can't leave. This is my ship Ensign, and unless you want to spend the rest of your existence in the brig I suggest you get the hell out of my way." Before the shocked Ensign could recover enough to speak, Harry Kim came running down the corridor. "Harry! What's going on?" Ensign Kim stopped dead at the sound of his Captain's voice. He turned back to look at her. The expression on her face made Harry flinch. She looked so angry and hurt that it almost broke his heart. He wanted to just stay and take care of her answering any and all questions, but he was in a big hurry to get to engineering. The ship rocked again, this time sending Janeway flying into one of the guards.

"Captain, I'm sorry, I don't have time to explain. Please just go back in where you'll be safe. I'm sure Commander Chakotay will contact you as soon as he can." He turned and started running toward the turbolift.

"Harry, wait!" Janeway started to make her way past the guards but was stopped with a strong hand around her arm.

"Captain please, we can't let you leave." He was gently but firmly holding onto her arm so she couldn't escape. The burning death glare he received sent a chill clear through to his bones. Without daring to let go he looked away from her glare. "I'm sorry Captain, please let me get you back inside."

"Let go of me Ensign, that's an order." If he could have become part of the bulkhead itself he'd have done so rather than face the Captain at that moment. He slowly raised his eyes to meet hers, letting go of her arm enough so she could pull away. Never breaking eye contact Captain Janeway backed up and walked back into her quarters without another word. Both of the security guards let out a big sigh of relief as they once again took up their places in front of the Captain's quarters.

------

"Tuvok, how many more ships?" Chakotay had reached his limit with these beaver-faced idiots.

"Three more ships approaching. Remik is hailing us."

"On screen." Chakotay walked to the front of the bridge ready to climb through the view screen and ring Remik's neck.

"Well Captain, I see you're still here. Would you like another demonstration of our authority in this region?" Instead of ringing Remik's neck Chakotay took a deep breath and spoke as calmly as he could. He knew how Janeway would handle this situation and he was going to do everything in his power to avoid more confrontation.

"That won't be necessary, we got your message loud and clear. Now let me make sure you understand our message." For an instant Remik had a concerned look cross his face. If Chakotay had turned around he'd have seen the same look cross Tuvok's face. "Don't look so worried Remik, I'm not going to blow your ship up."

"I was thinking no such thing Captain." Remik once again took up Janeway's stance. Chakotay actually smiled this time. Not many could pull it off so well. Remik seemed to have it perfectly.

"Remik, we don't care why you're hiding your planet from outsiders. At this point I'm not even interested. All we wanted in the first place was to get past your claimed region of space. We are not the ones with hostile intentions. Now understand this Remik, we are passing through this space on our way home. If you want a shooting match that's up to you. Voyager can destroy any and all of your ships if you force the issue, but one way or the other we're going through your space." Chakotay and Remik just held each other's gaze for several minutes, neither one backing down. "So what will it be Remik?" He received no answer. Chakotay glanced at Tuvok. "Tuvok, target their main power source."

"Aye Captain. Torpedoes locked on target." By this time Remik had lost his entire tough exterior. He actually looked scared. Chakotay kept a neutral expression but was smiling inside.

"Captain, let's not get too hasty here. I think we can arrange for you to travel through our space without further delay. I can see it would be to both of our advantage to escort you through our space just to make sure you remain safe." Now Chakotay couldn't stop the smile from reaching his face.

"I'm glad we understand each other Remik. It's been fun. Voyager out." The com link was broke as Voyager once again took off for the Alpha Quadrant.

------

"Come in." Chakotay looked up from the report he'd been working on for the last hour. He was almost finished when Neelix entered. "Just a few more seconds Neelix."

"Take your time Commander. If you want, I can come back in a few minutes."

"That's OK Neelix, I'm finished." Chakotay handed the padd he'd been working on over to Neelix. "I'm sure the Captain will want to read the report as soon as possible."

"I'll make sure she gets it along with her dinner." Seeing that Chakotay wasn't going to comment, Neelix continued. "Commander, is there something I can do for you? You're starting to look as tired and worn out as the Captain."

"No thanks Neelix, I'm just going to finish and then get something to eat. Just take care of the Captain for me, that's all I need." Neelix knew how much this whole thing was hurting Chakotay and wanted to do something to help.

"Commander, why don't you come with me to her quarters? I could fix enough dinner for both of you. She could really use a friend and I know she's your best friend."

"I'd love to Neelix but she won't even talk to me over the com-link, she'll never let me in to talk to her in person. From what I hear she's still mad as hell at me. I doubt our friendship would hold up to another argument."

"I understand Commander." Neelix started to walk toward the door.

"Neelix, there is one thing you could do for me." Neelix turned back around.

"Anything Commander."

"Would you just tell Kathryn that I'm here if she needs me and maybe give her a hug from me?" Neelix gave him a big grin.

"Consider it done Commander." The Talaxian left Chakotay in a slightly better mood. Sooner or later she'd have to talk to him.

------

"Is there anything else I can get for you Captain?" Neelix brought some soup and salad for her dinner along with the padd containing the report from the latest run-in with Remik. Janeway took the padd and wasn't paying any attention to him so Neelix sat next to her. "Captain, can I get you anything else?" This time she looked up from the padd.

"No, and you don't have to stay and babysit me. I can eat on my own."

"I'm not here to babysit you Captain. I'm just here to be your friend." Janeway put the padd down.

"I'm sorry Neelix, I didn't mean to snap at you. It seems that's all I do lately."

"It's ok Captain, and I do have a message for you that might help cheer you up."

"I doubt it, but what's the message?" To Janeway's surprise Neelix pulled her to her feet. The next thing she knew he wrapped his arms around her giving her a big bear hug. Even more surprising she returned the hug. Neelix spoke softly as he stepped away from the embrace.

"That was from Commander Chakotay. He sent the hug along with his best wishes for you to get well soon. He said he'll be here for you anytime you need him." The tears started to pool in Janeway's eyes. Neelix just smiled as he made his way to the door. "Don't hesitate to call if you need anything Captain, we're all here for you." He left Janeway standing alone with tears slipping down her face. Wiping her eyes, Janeway sat at the table trying to eat some soup and concentrate on the report. After several untasted sips of soup and reading the same paragraph three times, she gave up.

"Computer, location of Commander Chakotay."

Captain Chakotay is in the ready room. She cringed slightly at the computers use of Captain. This was still her ship no matter what the damn computer said. She decided against contacting Chakotay, knowing she just wasn't ready to face him. Sitting back at the table she also knew she was in for a very long and lonely night.

------

"Commander, I wish to see the Captain." Seven of Nine marched onto the bridge, an ex-Borg on a mission. Chakotay turned in his seat giving Seven a slight smile.

"I would suggest you get in line Seven. She won't let anyone in but Neelix and the Doctor, although from what I hear, he's not too welcome."

"That is ridiculous. She's the Captain of this ship, she can't just refuse to see anyone." Seven was about as angry as Chakotay could ever remember.

"I'm sorry Seven. I know you just want to help her, we all do, but at this point I can't do anything about it."

"Well I can and will." They all turned to look at Tuvok. He actually looked angry. Chakotay stood up to face the Vulcan.

"Do you have a plan Tuvok, or are you just going to march in and demand that she talk to you?"

"That is precisely my plan Commander." Chakotay matched Seven's expression with raised eyebrows.

"I guess that's as good a plan as any. Good luck Mr. Tuvok." Chakotay just smiled at all of them as he took his seat in the command chair.

"In most situations I don't believe in luck Commander."

"In this situation Tuvok?"

"I'm counting on it." Chakotay, Harry, Tom and even Seven had to laugh. "I will go see the Captain as soon as my shift is over."

------

"Captain, would you please hold still. All this pacing around won't help me get an accurate scan. You're acting like a caged animal."

"I feel like a caged animal Doctor, no thanks to you."

"Captain, you can be mad at me all you want but it's not going to get you released from my care any sooner. You've still got a long way to go, and frankly I don't trust you. Keeping you here in your quarters is the only way I can make sure you're doing what you need to in order to get well."

"Keeping me locked up in here is driving me crazy. I feel like an outcast on my own ship. Hell, you may as well throw me in the brig." Janeway was pacing even faster now.

"Captain, maybe you wouldn't feel like an outcast if you'd let your friends help you. Why don't you just talk to them? Give them a chance to show you how much they care." Janeway stopped pacing and locked eyes with the Doctor.

"How am I supposed to face any of them? I'm a failure as a friend, as their Captain and as a person. No one will ever trust or believe me again." The Doctor walked close to her keeping his eyes locked on hers, which were shining with tears.

"Captain, how can you possibly believe that? The only thing you're a failure at is seeing the truth when it's right in front of you."

"Oh, I see the truth Doctor. The truth is that I can't even handle a little eating disorder. I've managed to lose control of the one thing in my life that I thought I could always keep under control." She turned her back to the Doctor while wiping at her eyes. He took hold of her shoulder and turned her back around to face him.

"I'll give you the real truth Captain." She tried to pull away but he held her firmly in place. "Anorexia is not a little eating disorder, instead it's a disease that will be with you the rest of your life. You can control it, but it will always be there. I don't know how long you've had this Captain, but I would guess that it started at a very young age and I'm also sure you know when and why. We don't have to go into all the details right now and there's a lot you're going to have to work through, but I want you to understand something - you are not a failure. From the time you were a young girl your life has been thrown into one challenge after another. To most people those challenges would be inconceivable, but Kathryn Janeway is no quitter. You've come through the worst imaginable catastrophes and each time you've come out stronger and better prepared to face the next one. Anorexia is a lifetime challenge that you have and it will continue to occur." The Doctor gently wiped away some newly shed tears from her cheek.

"Doctor this time I was a failure. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't control it. I wanted to eat and I knew what I was doing to myself, but I just couldn't stop the downward spiral. It had absolute control over me. I almost died this time and the worst part is, I didn't care." This latest revelation hit the Doctor hard because he just couldn't fathom how deeply she was hurting. Janeway turned away from him again and this time he didn't stop her. "Doctor, if you don't mind I'd like to be alone for awhile." The Doctor, who was still not sure just what to say, walked to the door. He glanced back wanting to say something, but the words just wouldn't form in his subroutines so he left quietly.

After the Doctor left, Janeway just sat on the couch alone with her thoughts reflecting on what the Doctor said and on her life. It just made her feel lonelier than ever. She knew that her friends really did care about her, but how could she face them after what she'd almost done. Somehow, someway she had to find the courage to face this, to beat the hardest challenge of her life. I just don't know if I can do it. I'm really afraid this time. I don't want to face this alone.

The sound of her door chime brought her back to reality and she just sat quietly hoping whoever it was would just give up and go away. It didn't work, her door opened with a swish. Janeway was totally shocked to see who had entered her domain. Commander Tuvok walked in and went right over to the couch, taking the seat next to her. Janeway's shocked expression was the only emotion that was shown between them. Neither said a word at first, then Tuvok broke the silence with a very powerful statement.

"Kathryn, I am your friend and I'm not leaving until you talk to me." In all the years that she'd known him Tuvok never called her by her first name. Janeway swallowed a lump in her throat while choking back the tears that already threatened to escape.

"Tuvok, I'm not sure what to say?" She tried turning away from his dark eyes that were filled with more emotion than Janeway had ever seen in him, but his eyes just held her captive.

"I want you to tell me why you are doing this. I want to understand so I can help you. Don't push us away, let your friends help you." Their eyes were still locked as a single tear slid from Tuvok's eye, leaving a wet trail down his cheek. Janeway swallowed another lump in her throat. Seeing her old friend cry because of her was more than she could take. Captain Janeway wrapped her arms around his neck, sobbing into his chest. Tuvok just held her for the longest time while letting her release so much pent up emotions. He found more than one tear escaping his own eyes. When her sobbing subsided, she loosened her hold around his neck and sat back on the couch.

"Tuvok, I'm so sorry."

"Do not be sorry Captain, you've needed a shoulder to cry on for a long time. I'm just grateful you are still here with us." This time it was Tuvok who broke eye contact.

"Tuvok, I don't know how I can ever apologize to you for what I've put you through. I truly didn't mean to hurt any of you. I'm so sorry you found me like that and if I could change what happened I'd do so in an instant."

"If I hadn't found you like that you wouldn't be here now, and that is something I wasn't prepared to accept, and I dare say neither was anyone else on this ship. We've been friends for many years and I think I know you pretty well, so I know you would never intentionally hurt anyone on this ship. What happened was nobody's fault, especially not yours. You're the strongest, most courageous person I've ever met, but you do have one weakness." Janeway smiled slightly.

"Only one?"

"I suppose it's possible there are more than one." Tuvok almost had a smile of his own now.

"Thank you old friend." Tuvok nodded slightly. "So what is this one weakness that seems to bother you?"

"You will not let those that care about you help you."

"I don't mean to be that way Tuvok. I guess it's a lifetime of thinking I had to do everything by myself. I've had to push all my feelings aside to be the best Starfleet Captain I could and I learned from an early age that you had to be independent and remain distant from those around you if you wanted to survive." After taking a deep breath she continued. "I guess I've just proved to myself that I was wrong. This time I almost didn't survive trying to do everything on my own."

"Then I would say it was a lesson worth learning. You didn't die, you're here on Voyager with those who love you. You've been given another chance to correct your one weakness."

"You make it sound so logical, but it's not that easy to change. I'm not even sure how to go about it."

"By accepting that you can't do this alone. By admitting you have a disease and by taking the help that's offered to you. You will have to deal with and accept having Anorexia, but more importantly you have to deal with the fact that you have friends who care and who will never give up on you." Janeway didn't respond, she just sat with her eyes closed taking in everything Tuvok said. "Captain, maybe I should get going, you need to get some rest." Her eyes suddenly flew open.

"Tuvok, don't leave yet. I don't want to be alone." She looked so lonely and afraid that Tuvok wouldn't have dreamed of leaving her right then.

"I'll stay as long as you need me. That's what friends are for." Janeway reached out and took his hand.

"Indeed they are, my friend." Tuvok stayed with her until she finally fell asleep. It was the first good night's sleep Captain Janeway had in a very long time. Instead of the lonely nightmares she experienced a sense of calming peace. The road to recovery had begun.

------

"Come in Neelix." Right on time as usual Neelix walked in, bringing lunch and an unexpected guest. Janeway hadn't noticed her extra company.

"Captain, I've brought you a surprise for lunch today." She was still working on some reports and hadn't bothered looking up.

"Thanks Neelix, just leave it on the table and I promise I'll eat it later." Neelix and his surprise both started to laugh so Janeway had no choice but to follow the laughter with her eyes.

"Samantha!" A smile broke out on Janeway's face. "Neelix, why didn't you tell what the surprise was?"

"Then it wouldn't have been a surprise, and I wasn't quite sure how you would react."

"Captain, If you'd rather I can leave. I told Neelix that he should have asked you first, but he can be pretty insistent." Sam was still a bit nervous about the whole plan. She wasn't sure she even wanted to be talking with Janeway since she felt slightly responsible for what happened to her Captain and friend. Janeway gave Neelix a look that said I'll deal with you later, but smiled again at Samantha.

"It's ok Sam, you might as well stay and have lunch. I'm sure Neelix made plenty of food." Neelix put the try on the table and headed for the door, smiling as he went.

"I've got a lot more mouths to feed, see you later." He flew out the door leaving the two women with an awkward silence hanging in the air. Janeway walked over to the table and set out the lunch. Neelix left more than enough food for ten people.

"Well Sam, might as well sit down." Samantha took the seat opposite Janeway, still not knowing quite how to start the conversation. "It's ok Sam, I won't bite. I know that you know what I've got and what I've done to myself. I don't think it's a secret to very many on this ship by now."

"That's not why I'm here, well partly but . . ." Janeway handed Sam a plate with salad and fruit.

"But what Sam?"

"I've battled with Anorexia myself for a long time." Janeway put her fork down, looking at Sam with surprise in her eyes.

"You! I had no idea, I would have never imagined. I've never seen any signs of it."

"As you know, it's not something you want to advertise. You can become pretty good at hiding the truth and most of the time I even had myself believing nothing was wrong."

"Sam I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"Don't be sorry Captain, no one knew until the Doctor started digging. I was mad at first, but I'm glad he did now. I felt like I would always be alone in this, and for me maybe that's been the worst part. You feel isolated knowing that no one would understand."

"But Sam, you don't seem to be suffering from it now. I've never seen any sign that you have Anorexia, and we've been in pretty close quarters for the last seven years."

"Most of the time it's under control, but it's something that always lurks in the background. Before I was posted on Voyager I had a lot of good people who helped me. I had really gotten my life under control, and I still feel that way most of the time. But those strong urges to not eat are always there. When I look in the mirror I still see a fat person, but I've had to learn that it's only how I perceive myself, not how everyone else does." Janeway was just staring at Sam while her own thoughts were running crazy in her head. "Captain, I know I don't have to tell you how hard this is. I would suspect you've had Anorexia for a long time, probably since you were a teenager." Sam took a small bite of salad trying to avoid Janeway's eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened Captain. I feel like it's partly my fault."

"How could any of this be your fault Sam?"

"I've suspected you had Anorexia for a while. I thought about talking to you about it, but part of me didn't think it would be possible that Captain Janeway could have the same thing I did. And the other part of me still denies the fact that I even have it. Maybe if I'd said something sooner you wouldn't have almost died."

"Sam, even if you had come and talked to me I wouldn't have accepted it. I'm sure I'd have just thrown you out, or worse." That got a small smile out of Sam.

"To be honest that thought had crossed my mind as well."

"I don't want you or anyone else to blame themselves for anything. I did this to myself. The great Captain Janeway isn't so great after all and I've really made a mess of my life."

"The important thing is you are still alive and you can take back control over your life." Janeway tried giving Sam a smile, but it didn't quite make it.

"You're right about having this for a long time, although I was never diagnosed as having Anorexia until after my father and Justin died. And even then I never believed them. I always thought I could control this one thing in my life, what I put into my mouth. When everything else was so out of control this was the one thing I still had control over. Now I've lost control of everything. Sam, how do I take the first step, how do I get control of this? And how will I ever be able to repair the damage I've done to everyone on this ship? How am I going to be a Captain to this crew when I can't even take care of myself?"

"Captain, I'm not going to lie to you and say it will be easy, but it is possible and you don't have to face it alone. I think you have already taken the first step by admitting you have a disease, and you will always have it, but you can control it. It won't be easy, but you are the strongest, most determined person I've ever met. If that weren't the case, none of us would even be here today. You've seen us through so many life and death disasters. Now it's time for you. Let your friends help you through this one. Everyone on this ship loves and respects you and no one will ever think less of you. You don't have to do this alone any more." By this time Janeway's cheeks were wet from her tears. Sam stood up and walked around the table, taking her friend by the hands and pulling her into a comforting embrace. This was something they both needed and a bond formed between them that they would share for the rest of their lives. This was something that not many could fully understand. The two friends talked, ate, and cried together for the next few hours. The Delta Quadrant didn't seem quite as lonely as before.

------

"How are you feeling today Captain?" The Doctor was once again checking on his Captain. This time when he asked the question he was surprised to see a smile cross her face.

"I'm feeling better, how about letting me get back to work?"

"Not so fast Captain. I'm happy you're improving but you're not ready for a day at the helm. Give yourself some time, you've been through a lot both physically and emotionally."

"But if I stay locked up in my quarters much longer I'll go crazy. Can't you at least call off the Gestapo so I can go for a walk?" The Doctor smiled at her.

"If you think you're ready to face the crew it would do you good to get a little exercise. Just don't let me catch you anywhere near the bridge. Remember, I'm still monitoring you." This time he received a glare, but he continued to smile.

"I don't know about facing the entire crew, but I do need to start somewhere."

"I hope it helped to talk to Samantha the other day. I'm sorry I stuck my nose in where it didn't belong, but you left me with no choice." Now Janeway was smiling.

"You're not sorry for sticking your nose in anything Doctor, that's what you do best." He just gave her a smug look. "But yes I did have a nice talk with Sam, it really does help to know I'm not alone."

"You were never alone Captain, you just chose to be that way. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Even if I minded you would ask anyway, so what is it?"

"Have you talked to Commander Chakotay? More than anyone on this ship he's worried sick about you." Janeway walked over to the replicator and ordered a cup of tea. She was trying to avoid the question, but knew the Doctor wouldn't give up so easily. The Doctor just waited patiently for her response.

"No, I don't know what to say to him. I've hurt him more than anyone on this ship and I just don't know how to face him to apologize."

"If I may make a suggestion? All you would have to do is smile at him and he'd forgive you in an instant." She smiled slightly again.

"He might, although I don't know why he ever should. The big problem is how will I ever forgive myself for what I've put him through? I've been a real pain in the butt and I can hardly believe some of the things I've said to him. It's like I was a different person, yet I know it was all me and all my fault."

"In a way Captain you have been a different person because Anorexia causes some big imbalances in your system. The lack of nutrition wrecks havoc on a person's mind as well as their body. One of the biggest parts of the healing process is knowing that it wasn't your fault and letting the blame fall where it should, with the devastating disease. You're going to have to accept this, and in time I know you will. Just don't push the people away who can help you the most, and Commander Chakotay is at the top of that list. Give him a chance to be your biggest supporter." Before she could respond her door chime sounded. "I guess I'll leave you to your company, just think about what I said." The Doctor walked to the door letting her new guest enter. He just smiled at B'Elanna as he walked past. B'Elanna just stood in the doorway holding a lunch try.

"You can come in Lieutenant, I'm not going to throw you in the brig this time."

"That's good because I had to threaten Neelix with the same fate if he didn't hand over this tray of food. I doubt he'd survive if we had to share the brig." Janeway was trying not to laugh but failed miserably. B'Elanna brought the try over to the table. "I'm not sure what this is, but I'm game if you are."

"Well, since I don't have a choice you'll just have to suffer along with me." They both sat at the table ready to tackle lunch. B'Elanna took the lid off the large plate and turned her nose up at the smell.

"What in the hell is this?" Janeway was still laughing at her chief engineer. For a half Klingon she had no sense of adventure when it came to food.

"I don't know, but if I have to eat it you most certainly have to join me." B'Elanna just smiled, taking a forkful of. whatever it was.

"A true test of friendship." B'Elanna shoved the fork into her mouth doing her best not to gag at the smell. Thankfully the taste was slightly better.

"B'Elanna, I really do consider you one of my dearest friends. I'm sorry for what I did and said to you. I know you were just trying to help, but as usual I don't listen to anyone."

"No Captain, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. If I hadn't gotten you so upset maybe none of this would have happened."

"It would have happened sooner or later, probably sooner. Don't blame yourself for anything. To tell you the truth, part of me is glad it's out in the open. I just feel horrible for putting so many people through all this trouble and I don't know how I let things get so out of hand." They were both quiet for the next few minutes until B'Elanna finally spoke up again.

"Kathryn, if you had died I'd never have been able to forgive myself. Sometimes I can be such a jerk." Janeway reached across the table putting her hand over B'Elanna's hand.

"You're definitely not a jerk, a bit pushy maybe." Janeway gave her friend a big smile which B'Elanna couldn't help returning. "And I wouldn't want you to be any other way. You're one of the few people I can count on to tell it like it is, and right now I need some pushing. I won't always like it, but I do need it."

"So, you're giving me permission to be a pain in the neck? Ha!! I think I'll like this new arrangement."

"Don't get too comfortable Lieutenant, I'm still the Captain. Well I will be again I hope." The smile on Janeway's face faded as her thoughts turned to the acting Captain of Voyager. B'Elanna couldn't let the opportunity slip by.

"Speaking of the Captain, are you ever going to talk to Chakotay again? He's starting to drive me crazy now because he's really worried about you."

"I know, and I'm not trying to hurt him. I've just had so much to deal with that I don't know where to start. I've really made a mess of our relationship. I honestly don't know why he even wants to talk to me. If I were him, I'd never talk to me again."

"I think you know why. It's because he loves you. He's been in love with you for so long that he doesn't know any other way to be. He will never stop loving you no matter how many times you push him away. Face it Kathryn, you're stuck with him and nothing you can do will change that."

"I don't deserve him B'Elanna, and I've told him to move on. It will never work with us." B'Elanna was about to usurp her pushiness.

"Who are you to decide what Chakotay needs or wants? As far as I see it, the only thing standing between the two of you is YOU. You're afraid to take a chance on a relationship with him. I may get thrown into the brig for sure now, but someone has to say this to you. He loves you and I know you love him, even if you won't admit it to yourself. So you're already in a relationship. You can't deny loving someone because you're afraid, it's too late for that. You need to put yourself first once in awhile." Janeway started to speak but B'Elanna cut her off. "Don't give me that Starfleet protocol garbage, it won't work. No one in Starfleet would give a damn who you were involved with, and after being out here for so long why would you even care? We've managed to make it through more un-Starfleet situations than they could ever imagine. The only reason we are even alive to tell about it is because of you. You're the best Captain, friend and mentor anyone could have asked for but you're not made of stone, you're a real person with real emotions and real needs." Janeway just sat quietly with a few tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to hear this but I think it's about time you did." B'Elanna got up and walked around the table finally standing behind Janeway. "It's time you gave yourself a fraction of what you have given others on this ship. Let someone love and take care of you for a change." B'Elanna gave Janeway's shoulder a loving squeeze and walked out the door.

------

It had been a few weeks since Captain Janeway almost died and she had come a long way on her road to recovery. There was just one more obstacle to take care of before she could say she had both feet on that recovery road. She did a lot of thinking over the last few weeks, coming to many decisions about her life. It wasn't going to be easy by any means, but Kathryn Janeway would once again face this challenge and come out better for it. This time as she stood looking in her full-length mirror, the reflection looking back didn't seem quite so distorted. She still felt fat and maybe she always would, but she was beginning to believe that maybe other people didn't think of her that way. Maybe this was something only her eyes would ever see, and at this point she could deal with that. Walking to her replicator she ordered a beautiful rose with pink and yellow in it. It was a peace and friendship rose, just like the one Chakotay had given to her a few years ago and she was hoping this would break the ice.

After picking up the rose she walked out of her door and headed for Chakotay's quarters. It took several deep breaths before her shaking hand reached for the door chime. This time she knew he was in there alone because she'd asked the computer earlier. It felt like an eternity before he answered. With a swish, Chakotay's face appeared on the other side of the door. He didn't blink, didn't smile, he just looked as shocked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Kathryn didn't say anything, just held the rose out for him. His eyes moved down to the peace offering as his smile wrapped around her heart. He took the rose from her with one hand while his other hand pulled her into his quarters, letting the door close behind them. Without letting go of Kathryn's hand or the rose, Chakotay just stood intently looking at her. Not a word had been spoken yet and Kathryn's eyes misted over as she cleared the lump away in her throat.

"I'm sorry." Those sweetly spoken two words melted any ice that had been between them. The warm whisper of her words instantly brought Chakotay's arms around her. The feeling of comfort and forgiveness washed over Janeway like a crackling fire warms a cold winter's night and the only conversation between them was the beating of their hearts and an occasional sniffle from Kathryn. The shared comforting embrace finally ended as Chakotay took his arms from around Kathryn, but once again took her hand. They walked hand in hand over to the sofa, sitting closely beside each other. Chakotay still held the delicate flower in his hand, as he seemed mesmerized by its beauty. He still had yet to say a word to her and Kathryn was having trouble herself finding the right words to say. She finally wrapped both her hands around his hand that was holding the rose. Chakotay looked into her eyes as a single tear from his own eye dripped onto the rose. Janeway had to choke back her own tears as he spoke softly.

"Kathryn, I've never been more scared in my life than the night we almost lost you. Another tear made its way down Chakotay's cheek. This time instead of letting it drip onto the rose, Janeway reached up with her hand wiping her thumb gently over his cheek.

"Chakotay, I've never been more sorry for anything than I am for what I've done to you. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'd like a chance to try to explain." Before he could respond Janeway placed a soft kiss on his damp cheek. "I'm so sorry." His cheek was once again wet but not from his tears. Chakotay pulled her onto his lap, crushing the rose between them.

"Kathryn, there's nothing to forgive. I could never be mad at you because of this. I just wanted to be there for you, to understand." He pushed her head back so he was looking into her moist blue eyes. "Please let me stay close enough to help you, to take care of you, to love you."

"Are you sure you want to get that close? I hear that Kathryn Janeway can be a real pain in the . . . " She was cut off as his lips tenderly made their way over hers, sending an intoxicating sensation through her that was a hundred times more powerful than all the champagne in the galaxy. His warm sweet kiss was all the answer she would ever need. Her only regret came when he pulled his lips from hers, leaving her totally breathless. Chakotay started to chuckle at the expression on her face.

"Breathe Kathryn, unless you want me to practice my CPR techniques on you." She took a deep breath, then gave him a dazzling smile.

"Please, practice away." The heated passion from their practicing could have melted a few bulkheads on the ship which they wouldn't have noticed anyway. This time though it was Kathryn who pulled away first by climbing off his lap and leaving a smashed rose where she had just been. She walked to the replicator and ordered some water for both of them. Handing him a glass, she took the seat opposite. "Chakotay, as much as I'd love to continue the CPR I really need to talk to you." Her dazzling smile was still in place.

"I'm here to listen Kathryn, and I'll do anything I can to help you." Janeway folded her legs under her while getting comfortable in the chair.

"First off stay over on the couch, you're too distracting." The smile she received was as dazzling as her own had been. "I mean it Commander."

"Aye Captain." His smile didn't lessen in intensity.

"I'm sure you've done some research into Anorexia."

"I've read everything the Doctor could find on it and I have talked to Samantha, but I admit it's hard to understand why it happened to you."

"I don't claim to understand it myself, but I'll try to explain why I have Anorexia, at least what I perceive to be why. From the beginning this disease is a mindset of what a person believes they should be - what they think others see them as. This probably all started when I was about sixteen, although I really never thought about it until now. My sister Phoebe and I were always in competition for everything, the most important was for our father's attention. She was always the pretty one of the Janeway sisters. She had all the boys and all the fun, whereas I had my school studies and my goal to become a Starfleet officer. I believed that in the end my father would come to appreciate me more because I wanted to be just like him. Phoebe never wanted to have anything to do with Starfleet. She was artistic and creative, I was the nerd."

"Somehow I just can't picture Kathryn Janeway as a nerd."

"Well believe it because I was, at least that's how I thought of myself. My mom would always tell me that I was beautiful and not to compare myself to anyone, especially my sister. One of our favorite times together was sitting around the kitchen table with a plate of brownies and some good old TLC." Janeway got a faraway look in her eyes. "I've really missed my mom Chakotay. I wish you could have met her, you'd love her."

"I will meet her someday and I already do love her. She gave me you, the most important person in my life." He flashed her another smile.

"Thank you, but you're distracting me again." She smiled back at him. "Anyway, it soon became apparent that Phoebe would have all the boys, and the only boy who'd ever seemed interested in me was Mark. Back when we were kids he was just a pal, like a brother you could hang out with. We never had any romantic feelings for each other - well I didn't anyway. So I decided to just work harder toward my goal and forget about boys and having a real teenage life. The one thing I felt I could control was what I put into my mouth. I felt fat and ugly compared to my sister, so I decided to do something about it. At first it was no big deal. I actually liked the fact that I could have this much control over my life. I felt like I was accomplishing something important, if only to myself. You have to remember that at the time I had no idea what was happening to me, I'd never heard of Anorexia. It never crossed my mind that something was wrong. My dad was never around so he didn't notice. My sister was too involved in her own life, and my mom would just say I was looking a little thin and make me some brownies. I'd eat a few, but then starve for the next few days. That was easy for me because I was always so busy that eating just wasn't a priority. I didn't really have to put much effort into keeping myself from eating. It was just something I knew I could control without much effort. When at times I felt out of control of everything in my life, this was the one thing I knew I could control. I needed to feel some control over my life. I just didn't realize the adverse effects it would cause. Not so much physical, but psychological." Chakotay had a slightly confused expression that made Janeway laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Just the look on your face. You truly looked surprised that the Captain of Voyager is nuttier than a fruitcake. You of all people should know that by now." Now Chakotay couldn't help laughing.

"I happen to love fruitcake, nuts or not makes no difference to me."

"Well you're just going to have to take the nuts because I'm here to stay." His smile was still in place, but the concern was back in his eyes.

"Kathryn, before you continue there's something I want to say to you." Her smile faded altogether, but she nodded for him to continue. "As I said before, I won't even pretend to understand what you've been through or what Anorexia does to a person. In my mind I don't know how you could ever think that you are not beautiful. To me, you're the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Your physical beauty is captivating. Sometimes I have trouble keeping my mind on what I'm suppose to be doing when I look at you." Kathryn smiled at the thought of what he was really thinking about when they sat together on the bridge. She'd had those same thoughts herself, but wasn't about to let him know that.

"Care to share just what kind of thoughts your mind has conjured up during the last seven years?"

"No, but maybe sometime I'll show you." Now Janeway's cheeks were turning slightly pink. Chakotay just flashed another incredible smile her way. "Kathryn your physical beauty is one thing, but the beauty that emanates from within you is what makes you so special. You are the most compassionate, dynamic, self-sacrificing person I've ever known. So even if you were a green spotted Klingon Targ wearing nothing but a gunnysack I'd still think you were the most beautiful person in the galaxy, although I may not be as physically attracted to you." Now Janeway was laughing along with him.

"I'm not sure if I should thank you or smack you for calling me a green spotted Klingon Targ."

"Hey, I said IF you were."

"Then 'thank you' it is. Now let me finish so I can thank you properly." Chakotay folded his arms over his chest and continued to smile. "After going into the academy I kept so busy that I never really had time to think about eating. I ate when I had too, but never saw it as a necessity or a social event. I stayed away from most parties and gatherings and put all of my time and effort into studying. No one ever noticed, or just didn't say anything about my not eating. I wasn't even trying to hide the fact like I've been doing on Voyager. It was just a habit, or I should say an addiction by that time.

I was told I had Anorexia after my father and Justin died. I didn't believe them of course. I had just suffered the biggest loss of my life, so what if I didn't eat. That was the only thing I could control at the time. I blamed myself for their deaths for a long time, so starving myself was just a small way I felt I could punish myself. I know now that it wasn't my fault, but it took me a long time to come to terms with that.

The Doctors at Starfleet medical insisted I got some counseling which I went along with, but it wasn't hard to fool them. I was tired of people telling me I had a disease that I didn't believe I had. I thought they were all just out to get me, so once again I ate when I had to, just enough to make it look like I was getting better. I don't think I was trying to hurt myself by not eating, it was something I just did because I could. After a few months they all thought I was cured. I thought I never had a problem in the first place, so I was glad when the whole thing just seemed to disappear. Life went on and I was as busy as ever. I could go for months, even years without thinking about the fact I had a disease.

Anorexia was always there but I kept it in the background. I don't think Mark ever even suspected anything. I had learned to eat just enough and how to hide the fact I wasn't eating when I didn't want to. I felt comfortable with Mark. I knew he didn't expect me to be perfect, after all, we grew up together so he knew I wasn't the most beautiful. I really did love Mark, but I always felt there was something missing in our relationship. Now that I can look back on it, that missing something was me. I never gave myself fully to him because I never felt like I was good enough to be loved and respected by anyone.

Sure I was just promoted to Captain. I'd accomplished my goal of being the best Starfleet officer I could be. I thought now I would make my father proud of me, but by then it was too late and it just didn't seem to matter that much anymore."

Chakotay just sat quietly listening. He knew she was on a roll and she needed to get this out before she lost her nerve. He wanted to go over to her, wrap his arms around her and tell her how important she truly was. But he stayed where he was and let her finish.

"Well, the next thing I knew I was posted as Captain of the new intrepid class starship. My first mission was to find the renegade Maquis captain and bring him back." She smiled as she tilted her head to the side. A look she had that Chakotay absolutely adored.

"I guess we know how that mission has turned out. I managed to get us stuck 70.000 light years from home. I lost Mark, the only person I thought could ever love me. I've gotten us into more disasters than any Captain in Starfleet. I'll admit it's not been all bad. We've had some experiences that most will never have. We've seen and done some miraculous things. But for the most part we've had to fight our way for every light year we've gotten closer to home. We've battled countless alien species. We've been pushed and confronted at every turn. The strange part is, all these disasters kept me busy enough that I would forget about my little eating disorder. There have been times over the last seven years that I've struggled with it, but once again I felt I had control over at least this one thing. When everything on this ship was so out of control I always had my little secret. I don't suppose I need to tell you when those times were?"

"No, but now that I think about it I should have known something. If I would have paid more attention, maybe I could have helped you before it was almost too late."

"Chakotay please don't blame yourself. I'd become a pro at hiding the truth so there's really no way you could have known. Hell, you'd never even heard of Anorexia and I would never have admitted to having it. I still find it one of the hardest things about this whole thing. Admitting that I have a disease, an eating disorder that nearly cost me my life and had control over my life for a very long time. That's a hard pill for me to swallow, knowing I never had control over any of it from the start."

"Kathryn, what happened this last time? Why did it get so out of control that you almost died? Why didn't you ask for help?" Chakotay once again had tears in his eyes.

"I honestly don't know Chakotay. I don't think it was just one thing, but more a combination of things. Not being able to go through Tel'Lasun space was a big part. I've just had enough of the Delta Quadrant and its hostile species. The fact that you and I have been fighting so much, which I know is mostly my doing." She looked down avoiding his eyes but continued. "I was also jealous."

"Jealous of what?" Before she answered the reason hit him like a ton of bricks. "You were jealous of me and Karen?"

"Don't sound so flattered Commander. It was very childish and not very captain like. I really tried to be grown up about it, after all I was the one who pushed you away. I just didn't know it would hurt so much. Chakotay, I truly did and still do want you to be happy. That's very important to me. I had myself convinced that you could never be happy with me so I did everything in my power to push you away so you could be happy with someone else. I'm sorry for hurting you when all I ever really wanted was to make you see that I wasn't the one you should love."

Chakotay started to say something but Janeway cut in. "Do you remember the night I barged into you quarters and Karen was there?" He nodded. "Something just snapped in me. All along I told you to find someone, and when you did it felt like my world shattered. I guess it was just the icing on the cake so I went back to my old habit, the one thing I thought I had under control. I was going to prove to you that I could be as pretty and slender as Karen. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was an old, fat, tired Starfleet Captain. So with my mind made up, I decided to change her. I know I wasn't thinking rationally, but at the time, it seemed perfectly clear.

But this time Chakotay I couldn't control anything. I knew I was starving myself, but I just couldn't stop what was happening. It had become a battle inside of me between Kathryn Janeway, who wanted to cry out to you for help and the pig headed Captain who would never admit to needing anyone's help. I don't understand most of this, but I do know that I'll do anything I have to in order to beat this thing and take control of my life back. The Doctor, despite his being so obnoxious, has been a big help. B'Elanna, in her not-so-subtle way has opened my eyes to many things. The most important being you."

Chakotay just smiled at the thought. "There's also Sam, Neelix, Tuvok and so many more who helped." Janeway finally stood up from her chair, walking over and kneeling in front of Chakotay. "More than anyone in my life you have been my biggest supporter, my dearest friend, and the one person I can't imagine my life without. I owe you everything, and I'm willing to do anything to recover from this. I don't want to die a lonely old lady in the Delta Quadrant. I want to live everyday doing what I can to make you and everyone on this ship happy. I want to feel like Kathryn Janeway, with all her flaws and imperfections. I don't want to be alone anymore."

The tears were streaming down both their faces as Chakotay once again pulled her onto his lap. They cried in each other's arms, releasing tears of sadness and tears of joy, both knowing they would never feel alone again. When the tears had stopped and a peaceful quiet had become the only sound in the room, Chakotay shifted Kathryn on his lap so she had to look at him.

"Kathryn, I wouldn't mind holding you on my lap forever, but I do have the early shift tomorrow and you should get some rest. I don't want the Doctor coming after me because I kept you up all night." Her smile filled the room as well as Chakotay's heart.

"But think of the fun we could have staying up all night."

"Oh believe me I've been thinking about it, but tonight isn't the right time. When I finally show you just how much I love you I want it to be perfect for both of us. You've been through so much in the last few weeks. You need time to heal, physically and emotionally. I want you to be sure this is what you want because I'll never be able to let you go once we make love. I will spend the rest of my life loving you and doing everything I can to make you happy. You're my life Kathryn Janeway, now and forever."

He tenderly kissed her lips before picking her up in his arms and carrying her to his bedroom. He gently sat her down on the bed and walked around to the other side. Lying back, he pulled her into his arms making sure she was snuggled in close. "We may not make love tonight, but you will never spend another night alone." Kissing the top of her head he lay his head down next to hers. "Sleep well Kathryn."

"Chakotay, I love you." She whispered the three words he never dreamed he'd hear her say. He found one more tear escaping his eye as he pulled her even closer.

"I love you too Kathryn, with all my heart."

------

"Captain, it's nice to see you're feeling better. We've all been worried about you." Captain Janeway was on her way into sickbay while Crewman Karen Haze was walking out. Janeway swallowed a lump in her throat. She had some apologizing to do to so many of her crew, and Karen was at the top of the list.

"Thank you Karen, I'm doing much better." Karen Haze just smiled and started to walk away. "Karen wait, I'd like to apologize for the way I acted toward you. I could just blame it on the fact I wasn't well, but the truth is I was just a jealous old fool. I'm truly sorry."

"Captain, there's really nothing to apologize for and you are not an old fool. In-fact, I thought it was kind of cute. Seeing the Captain of a starship, jealous over me! I'm very flattered but you never had any need to feel jealous. Commander Chakotay and I are just friends. He's so in love with you that I doubt he even noticed I was a girl." Janeway started to laugh.

"I assure you he noticed Karen, and I'm glad that you and the Commander are friends. I hope someday you and I can become friends as well." Karen Haze held her hand out to shake Janeway's hand.

"Consider this the first day of our new friendship." The new friends shook hands.

"Thank you, my new friend." Janeway gave her a big smile. Karen started laughing.

"This is going to do wonders for my reputation. Me being the Captain's friend will have all the guys wanting me. This is a great day in the Delta Quadrant." Both of them were still laughing as they parted ways. Janeway couldn't stop, even after she entered sickbay.

"Well Captain, you're in a good mood this morning." The Doctor walked out of his office.

"As a matter of fact, it's going to be a perfect day unless you don't clear me for duty."

"I don't think that will be a problem Captain, but only part time. You still have a long way to go before you're back to a hundred percent. There's no need to push yourself too fast. Commander Chakotay is doing a fine job as acting Captain, you may as well take advantage of him."

"I most certainly intend to do just that Doctor, and I'll take even part time duty." She was smiling so sweetly the Doctor wasn't sure she wasn't an imposter. He ran his medical tricorder over her.

"Hmmmm, according to my readings you are Kathryn Janeway. Amazing!" To the Doctor's surprise, instead of receiving the death glare he got a kiss on the cheek.

"Well believe it Doc. Now, can I go back to work?" His smile reached from ear to ear.

"Absolutely Captain until noon, then it's back to your quarters for a nap."

"Deal." She started for the door.

"Captain, one more thing." She stopped and turned to face him. "Welcome back." She just smiled, blew him a kiss, and walked out the door. This is going to be a good day in the Delta Quadrant. The Doctor kept smiling to himself as he walked back into his office.

------

"Captain on the bridge." Harry Kim stood at attention as his Captain entered from the turbolift. Janeway walked over to him placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Harry, you don't have to do that." She smiled shyly. "But I love it when you do." That brought on the cheers and welcome backs from everyone on the bridge. Janeway gave everyone a hug or a handshake as she made her way to the command center of her ship. Even Tuvok was greeted with a warm hug, which he returned willingly. Chakotay stood up from his seat just enjoying the warm welcome she was receiving. He couldn't have been happier for her or for them. When she finally made her way to him, without any hesitation she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly on the lips.

"Welcome back Captain." His reply was another kiss before she took her command chair.

"This is a great day in the Delta Quadrant." Tom spoke the words they all felt.

------

"Chakotay come in, you're late." Kathryn planned a nice quiet romantic dinner for the two of them, her plan was about to change.

"Sorry I'm late, but I brought a surprise for you." Janeway turned around from fussing at the table. Her mouth dropped open as she saw the surprises enter her quarters one at a time.

"What! What's going on?"

"It's a celebration Captain." Neelix carried a tray of food over to the table. "Your first day back as Captain and the first annual Friendship Day on Voyager."

"Since when do we have a Friendship Day?" Janeway was looking at Chakotay for the answer but B'Elanna answered for him.

"We do now Captain. You'll just have to get used to it."

"I think there's a lot I'm going to have to get used to around here." The guests and food just kept piling in. Janeway's entire senior staff plus Samantha, Naomi and about a dozen more new friends. The last person to enter was Karen Haze, her newest friend. Janeway was very overwhelmed at the sight of so many people who truly cared about her. Her eyes misted over once again as she looked at everyone. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. She pulled his head down to whisper in his ear. "This isn't quite what I had in mind for tonight." His devilish dimples were dancing. He whispered back in her ear.

"The night is still young, and I have a very special surprise for you later." Before she could react he stepped away to mingle with their friends. Janeway's smile could be felt throughout the ship.

"Speech!" Tom called out above the noise of the crowd. He bravely walked up to his Captain and placed a kiss on her cheek. 'Welcome back Captain, we've all missed you." The room was suddenly quiet as they all waited for their Captain and friend to say something. Janeway cleared her throat hoping to swallow back any tears that threatened.

"I just have two things to say. First, if all of you are here who the hell is flying my ship?" Everyone started laughing. "And second, this has truly been a great day in the Delta Quadrant. I'll carry your love and friendship with me for the rest of my life." She had to stop before her already high emotions got the better of her. Chakotay came up to her, handing her a glass of their special cider.

"Here's to a long life filled with good friends and the courage to tackle life's challenges, whatever they may be." The sound of clinking glasses and loud cheering was a welcome ring throughout the Star Ship Voyager.

The End

Authors note --- My thanks goes to Victoria for suggesting the story idea. Also to my dear friend Judy for fixing my many mistakes.

The quotes at the beginning of each part are not mine, the source is unknown. Although the entire story is fictional, Anorexia is a real and deadly disorder. The main point I wanted to get across to the reader is that there can be a happy ending for anyone who is suffering from this disorder. With the help of family and friends, and most importantly good medical help, you can make a full recovery. Below are a few facts about Anorexia. If you or anyone you know is suffering from this disease, please seek help from a medical professional. No one needs to suffer alone, there is help out there, you are not alone.

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People who suffer from Anorexia often have low self-esteem and a tremendous need to control their surroundings and emotions. The eating disorder is often a reaction to external and internal conflicts. Anxiety, stress, and unhappiness can be leading factors.

A person suffering with Anorexia may be abnormally sensitive about being perceived as fat, or have a massive fear of becoming fat -- though not all people living with Anorexia have this fear. They may be afraid of losing control over the amount of food they eat, accompanied by the desire to control their emotions and reactions to their emotions. With a low self-esteem and need for acceptance they will turn to obsessive dieting and starvation as a way to control not only their weight, but their feelings and actions regarding the emotions attached. Some also feel that they do not deserve pleasure out of life, and will deprive themselves of situations offering pleasure including eating.

For information on Anorexia, contact your local heath provider and, or check the link below.

http://msn.directhit.com/msn/search.php?cmd=qry&qry=anorexia