areasontolive4

Disclaimer: Evangelion=Gainax. A Reason to Live=Mine. Suing me is not appreciated.

Author's notes:
(1) Someone asked Where's this going?' I have no idea, which is probably why this isn't that good. And the tone is also probably going to be different, too.
(2) Stuff is gonna start happening, I think, such as the actual plot of Evangelion (Angels, etc.)
(3) Thanks to all those who reviewed! Please, keep them coming! And if you haven't reviewed yet, PLEASE DO!!! I WANT MORE REVIEWS!!! *pant gasp* That is one of the main reasons I've been writing this, to get some constructive criticism.
(4) This chapter is probably going to be dark, based on the mood I'm in right now. I didn't think of this as a darkfic, but that might be the way it ends. It all depends.

Key: [ ]' Brackets are thoughts.

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A Reason To Live

Chapter 4: Pain, Confusion, and Action

by Johnny 05


The last fourteen days had been hell for Shinji Ikari. The relief he'd felt from finally setting his feelings free had soon been replaced with a sense of hopelessness and dread, as soon as he realized she had most likely received the letter. He felt stupid for writing the letter. And scared. He felt just about every negative emotion one could, after sending such a personal thing to someone who's response to it could be anyone's guess. Every moment he had to himself, Shinji's thoughts shifted to what Rei's response would be. Or worse, the fact that there might not be one at all. And most of all, he feared of losing what little relationship he already had with the withdrawn pilot of Evangelion Unit 00.
Every afternoon at precisely 3:35 PM (he had timed it) when the mail was delivered, Shinji would slowly traverse the four flights of stairs down to the first floor, where the boxes were located. What he found was always the same. A few bills, some work related mail for Misato, some fashion catalogs, and the occasional letter for Asuka, from one of her friends. Mail in his hands, he would then climb back up the stairs, even more slowly than before.
Now, he was lying on his bed, staring the ceiling while his SDAT blared loudly in his ears. He had just returned from that days trip to the mailbox, and he was feeling far from good. [There's no way she could feel the same way,] he thought despondently. [If she even remotely cared, she would have replied by now. She must totally hate me now. But... I can't blame her. I'm a cowardly, sneaky, and weak. No one could ever like me! No one could ever love me!] his mind screamed.
With that, he curled up into a fetal position, cranking the SDAT's volume to it's maximum. As he did so, a single tear slid down his cheek, landing softly on his pillowcase.



***

Rei was staring at a blank piece of paper, a pencil poised in her hand. Shinji's letter lay next to her. Almost two weeks since she had received it, and she was still far from comprehending it's contents. And while she knew she should, no must reply, the reason was unknown to her.
So, here she was again, like all the other days. She had even pushed he schedule back an hour, missing sleep because this seemed somehow more...important.
Memories of Shinji, smiling down on her as she lay in her entry plug, hurt and exhausted from their recent battle with the Fifth Angel. His tears. His smile, and the way she felt when he asked her to do the same. [Ikari-kun, do I wish to be close to you? I must know. I must speak with you, though I do not know what to say.]
She set the writing tools down, closing her eyes. She lay there for the rest of the hour, thinking of what it all meant. One thought reverberated through her head the entire time; [I must speak to you.]
Opening her eyes, Rei reached for the pencil and paper, and began to write.

***

School was now worse than it had ever been before. It used to be boring. Now it was painful. The depressed young man could not even bring himself to look in Rei's direction, today, although he thought she might have been looking at him a few times. [She's probably just curious about how one person can be that stupid,] he thought disparagingly. For what seemed like the millionth time he went over the contents of the letter, thinking of every little thing the he could have changed. [I can't believe what I've become.] His actions mirrored his thoughts, and he slowly put his head down on his desk. [Why God, why?]

***

Across the classroom, Rei watched the boy who had sent her the letter, the one bursting with nervousness and hope, as he drew in upon himself. [Is he like this... because of....me? Does he care so much that my lack of response hurts him? I must.... let him know that I... care too.]


End of Chapter 4




Afterward
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Damn, this was a hard chapter to write. Let's just say this whole write a fan fic based on a real relationship' thing might not have been the best idea. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time, lol. I'm going to stick with it, though, even though it's really starting to hit close (closer) to home. That's why this chapter was so short, I think. Well, if you want them, I'll keep writing. Sorry, no Shinji/Rei interaction yet, but the story isn't at that point yet. I'll get there eventually.