Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style
CUE JEOPARDY
THEME MUSIC
TREBEK: Welcome back
to Celebrity Jeopardy. As I said before the break, I'd advise our viewers to
change the channel. Well, we've had an amazing first round. Let's take a look
at the scores. In second place, we have Alex Krycek, with a score of negative
fifty thousand dollars.
KRYCEK: How could
you do this to me, Trebek? I've been keeping you alive!
TREBEK: … Sure.
Close behind is Monica Reyes, with an astonishing negative two million, six
hundred and eighty-one thousand, nine hundred fifty-one dollars.
REYES: I'd like to
thank the whales-
TREBEK: Although I'm
not quite sure how one gets negative one dollars in this game. And, finally, in
the lead, we have Special Agent Dana Scully, with a commanding score of zero.
SCULLY: I'm a doctor.
TREBEK: I'm sure you
are. Now, let's take a look at the board for Double Jeopardy, shall we? We have
"Potent Potables" (Insert the dinging
"Jeopardy-Category-Appearing-On-The-Board" Sound), "Large Masses" (ditto),
"Potpourri" (ditto), "Letters of the Alphabet" (ditto), "Sixteenth Century
Philosophy" –
(TREBEK looks at the
contestants. Reyes is pretending to be a whale.)
TREBEK: We'll just
change that one to "Colours" (ding!). "Three-Letter Words" (ding!), and,
finally, "Continents That End in 'Tarctica'" (ding!) Agent Scully, your board.
SCULLY: First of
all, Trebek, there is obviously no such thing as a "Potent Potable", as the
laws of genetics clearly state –
TREBEK: Right. Agent
Reyes?
REYES: You know,
Alex, you still look just as beautiful as ever.
TREBEK: Mr. Krycek?
KRYCEK: I'll take
"Large Asses" for two hundred, Bob.
TREBEK: My name's
Alex.
KRYCEK (with cool
menace): Why, that's my name, too.
TREBEK: Mr. Krycek,
the category is "Large Masses".
(Krycek kisses
Trebek.)
TREBEK: Good Lord.
Let's just take "Three-Letter Words" for four hundred dollars. And the answer
is: "This three-letter word is the past tense of 'sit'." (Pause.) It starts
with 'S'. (Pause.) It ends with 'T'. (Long pause.) There is an 'A' in between.
(Reyes rings in.)
TREBEK: Agent Reyes?
REYES: What is
'sit'?
TREBEK: That's not
the past tense.
REYES: Nobody should
be tense, Alex. What you need is some whale music…
(Krycek rings in.)
TREBEK: Mr. … Alex?
KRYCEK: Who is Alvin
Kersh?
TREBEK: We're doing
"Three-Letter Words", Alex, not "Large Asses".
(Scully rings in.)
SCULLY: What is 'to
have parked one's buttocks on a chair, ergo post verso, hoc ad sic,
which is not to say –
TREBEK: The answer
was 'sat'. The three-letter word was 'sat'.
SCULLY: That's what
I said.
TREBEK: Technically,
it's still Mr. Krycek's board, but as he's a maniac rat in human form, I'll
just choose a category for you. Let's go with "Continents That End in
'Tarctica'" (Ahem!) "This continent ends in 'Tarctica'." (Pause.) I know for a
fact you've been there, Agent Scully.
(Scully rings in.)
SCULLY: What is
"North Tarctica"?
TREBEK: No.
SCULLY: Mulder and I
had a case -
TREBEK: Agent
Scully, there's no such continent.
SCULLY: I'd like to believe
you, Trebek, but I need proof.
(Krycek rings in.)
KRYCEK: Who is Al
Gore?
(TREBEK refuses to
even acknowledge this answer. Reyes rings in.)
REYES:
Woooooooooooooooooooo-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
TREBEK: Not even
halfway close.
REYES: Damn! I had
to put it in the form of a question, didn't I?
TREBEK: The answer
is "Antarctica". The only continent that ends in "Tarctica" is Antarctica.
SCULLY: You'll go to
any length to cover it up, won't you, Trebek?
(Reyes rings in.)
TREBEK: Yes, Ms.
Reyes?
REYES: I used to be
a cocker spaniel.
TREBEK: That's
great.
(Krycek rings in.)
TREBEK: What do you
have to say, Mr. Krycek?
KRYCEK: I just want
you to know you're way out of your league here. They're coming, Bob. They're
after her. And nothing can stop them.
TREBEK: … Tell you
what, let's go to "Colours" for eight hundred. And the answer is: "This is your
favourite colour." (No one rings in.) That is any colour. (No one rings in.) It
could be blue. (No one rings in.) Or yellow. (No one rings in.) Or red. (Still
with the no ringing in.) Someone please just ring in and name a colour. (You
guessed it.) Any colour will do.
(Scully rings in.)
TREBEK: Thank God.
Agent Scully?
SCULLY: What is
purple? No, wait green! I can't remember! NOOOOOOOO! This is not happening!
(The time-out buzzer
rings.)
TREBEK: And once
again, the show breaks the current world record for stupidity. Well, we're out
of time for this round. Time to move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is,
"Antidisestablishmentarianism". (Trebek looks at the contestants. Reyes is on
all fours and barking.) Let's just make a special category for you three, hmmm?
The new category is "Long". For this question, you just have to write anything
that's long. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants start to
write.) It could be a distance. It could be a long word. Ms. Reyes, I think
you'll have trouble writing with that pen between your teeth. (The music ends.)
And, for the sake of tradition, let's see what you've written. Mr. Krycek,
you've written… And you've eaten the paper. Lovely.
KRYCEK: Everybody
has a life in their hands, Trebek. Whose do you have?
TREBEK: Monica
Reyes, you were in last place. Let's see what you wrote. (Reyes has written her
own name.)
REYES (smiling):
It's the longest word in the dictionary. There's a mile after the "S"!
TREBEK: Moving right
along, we come to Agent Scully. She was in the lead with nothing. And she
wrote… Nothing.
SCULLY: Trust no
one!
TREBEK: Agent
Scully, this is a game. No one is out to get you.
SCULLY: Those words
are familiar, Trebek. They came out of my mouth seven years ago.
TREBEK: … And that
just about wraps up our game. I'm Alex Trebek, and I'm going to go put my head
in an oven. Good night!
(CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME
MUSIC)
***END SCENE***
