Author: Macavity

Author: Macavity!

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style

Spoilers: I really hope not

Feedback: mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com, send with the subject ATTN: MACAVITY

Comments: If you're reading this on fanfiction.net, visit my (our) home site, Mulder and Scully's Bogus Journey at http://msbogus.gq.nu.

With apologies to SNL. But not to the X Files. J

As per many requests, here is the second chapter. Heh heh heh…

Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style – 2

CUE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

TREBEK: … Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but, apparently, Temptation Island has been doing far too well, so I stand before you today with homicidal urges. In last place, we have Agent Fox Mulder, who is steadfastly refusing to answer any question.

MULDER: I was twelve when it happened, Trebek. My sister was eight. We slept in the same bedroom. We had since we were babies -

TREBEK: I believe we went through this before the commercial break, Agent Mulder. Five times, if I recall correctly.

MULDER: That's what they want you to think.

TREBEK: I'm sure it is. Next, with a score of – what on Earth? Mr. Langly, I believe your score was at negative fifty thousand dollars at the end of the first round. Somehow or other, during the commercial break, it seems to have risen to two hundred and six thousand, seven hundred and three dollars.

Langly says nothing but looks extraordinarily pleased with himself. He tinkers with something behind his console and rings in. His score goes up to two hundred and six thousand, seven hundred and fifty-eight dollars.)

TREBEK: Right. And, finally, formerly in the lead with zero is our returning champion, Agent Monica Reyes.

(Reyes rings in.)

REYES: Who is Bill Clinton?

TREBEK: The game hasn't begun yet, Agent Reyes.

REYES: I know. I had, oh… call it a feeling.

TREBEK: The categories for Double Jeopardy are: "Potent Potables" (ding!) "Numbers" (ding!) "Animals That End In 'Angaroo'" (ding!) "Is This a Person?" (ding!) That's where I show you something and you tell me if it's a person. "Titles" (ding!) "Parts Of Your Face" (ding!) and, finally, "The Letter 'X'". Ready? Agent Mulder, it's your board.

MULDER: I'll take "Titles" for four hundred dollars.

TREBEK: And the answer is: "This book by H.G. Wells is about the invisible man."

(Mulder rings in.)

MULDER: Trebek, I've never told this to anyone at the Bureau before. When I was twelve, and my sister was eight –

(Langly rings in. His score goes up to one million, six thousand and five dollars. He sits there grinning until the buzzer goes.)

TREBEK: I'm sorry, you've run out of time.

(Trebek looks disconcerted as Langly's score goes up to two million dollars.)

TREBEK: The answer was, oddly enough, "The Invisible Man".

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Yes, Agent Reyes?

REYES: Do you believe, Mr. Trebek? In premonitions, I mean.

TREBEK: Moving right along… Agent Mulder, it's still your board.

(Mulder says nothing. He eyes his podium.)

TREBEK: Agent Mulder?

(Mulder starts shaking his podium and tries to pry off the microphone.)

TREBEK: Agent Mulder, what are you doing?

MULDER: Sssh!

(Mulder points to the microphone.)

TREBEK: Yes, it's a very lovely microphone. I can see that. Now, if you would –

(Mulder shakes his head and mouths "Bugged!".)

TREBEK: No, I assure you, Agent Mulder, that's only to –

(Mulder holds up a hand for silence. He rips the microphone off his podium and crushes it beneath his foot.)

TREBEK: … Agent Reyes, why don't you pick a category?

REYES: I'll take "Tarot and You" for six hundred dollars.

TREBEK: There's no such category.

REYES: I just had this feeling –

TREBEK: How about "Numbers" for two hundred? And the answer is: "One minus one equals this."

(No one rings in.)

TREBEK: Come on, it's not difficult. One minus one.

(No one rings in.)

TREBEK: If you have one apple, and I take away one apple, how many apples do you have left?

(Reyes rings in.)

TREBEK: Agent Reyes?

REYES: My left or your left?

TREBEK: Look, all I want you to do is say "zero". Say "What is zero?" Will someone please just say it?

(Langly rings in. His score skyrockets to three billion dollars. On closer inspection, he proves to be playing a pirated copy of Myst on his console.)

TREBEK: I don't believe this. Look, Agent Mulder, I know you're an intelligent man. You're in the FBI.

(Reyes rings in.)

REYES: Trebek, I just had an epiphany. I was a Roman general in a past life!

TREBEK: Maybe that doesn't prove anything. But you went to Oxford. Surely you must be able to tell me what you get when you take one away from one…

(The time-out buzzer goes.)

TREBEK: And I thought I disliked Sean Connery. The answer was –

MULDER: Zero, of course.

TREBEK: Agent Mulder, you could have rung in and said that.

MULDER: … Listen, Trebek, I was twelve when it happened. My sister was –

TREBEK: Eight. We know. Your sister was abducted when you were twelve. You've said it eight times.

MULDER: That kind of thing stays with you. They took her, Trebek. They took my sis-

TREBEK: I believe I want to smack you, Agent Mulder. Why don't we go right to Final Jeopardy? The category is "Julius Caesar"

REYES: I met him once at the Coliseum.

TREBEK: Wait, wait, wait. Silly me. That's not a category for our "Special" Agents. Your real category is… "Names". Just write your names. That's it. Your names. Take your special pens and write down your names. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants start to write.) Your names. You've been doing it since grade school. No, Agent Reyes, I am fairly sure you don't have to make your wager in Roman numerals. You can spell it any way you want. It's your name. (The music ends.) And, let's see what you've written. Agent Mulder was in last place and he wrote – Agent Mulder? Where are you?

(Mulder is gone. In his place stands Doggett.)

TREBEK: Who are you? Where did Agent Mulder go?

DOGGETT: Maybe I'm not Mulder. Maybe I don't see things the way he did. But, dammit, until we find 'im, I'm your contestant, and that's the way things are going to be.

TREBEK: I don't believe this. Agent Reyes was in second place before Final Jeopardy. And she wrote – nothing. All you had to do was write your name, and you wrote… nothing. I know you know your name, Agent Reyes. What's your name? Agent, what's your name?

REYES: My name is gladiator.

TREBEK: … And in first place with… well, in first place, we had Mr. Richard Langly. And he put… "Amanda Hugandkiss".

(Langly giggles.)

TREBEK: Isn't that hilarious. Mr. Langly is Amanda Hugandkiss.

(Langly giggles even harder.)

TREBEK: This is great. Just great.

REYES: Hey, hey, Langly, how about "I.P. Freely".

(Both Reyes and Langly laugh so hard they start snorting.)

TREBEK: According to the technical rules of Jeopardy, I suppose Mr. Langly wins with eighty-five trillion, ninety billion and two dollars. And, by default, Agent Reyes comes in second, since Agent Mulder has… disappeared.

DOGGETT: I'll find 'im, Trebek. No matter how long it takes.

TREBEK: Yes, well, I'm Alex Trebek, and I hate my job. Good night.

CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

***END SCENE***