Author: Macavity

Author: Macavity!

Title: Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style

Spoilers: I really hope not

Feedback: mydogisanalien@xfilesfan.com, send with the subject ATTN: MACAVITY

Comments: If you're reading this on fanfiction.net, visit my (our) home site, Mulder and Scully's Bogus Journey at http://msbogus.gq.nu.

With apologies to SNL. But not to the X Files. J

As per many more requests, here is the third chapter. Heh heh heh…

Celebrity Jeopardy – X Files Style – 3

CUE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

TREBEK: … Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Well, we've had an interesting first round. Once again, I would like to remind our contestants not to accuse high-profile government officials of being alien replacements.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: You can't fight the future.

TREBEK: I'm sure we can't. In last place, we have Special Agent John Doggett with negative five thousand six hundred dollars.

DOGGETT: A man doesn't laugh at the downfall of others, Trebek.

TREBEK: Very nice. In second place, we have CGB Spender with – Mr. Spender, I'm afraid I have to ask you to put out that cigarette. Here in the studio, we have a no-smoking policy.

CSM stares at him belligerently for a few minutes before stubbing out the cigarette.

CSM: All right, Trebek. We'll play the game with your rules. But what you do to me – what you do to this cigarette, you do to us all.

TREBEK: Right.

Trebek surveys his last contestant.

TREBEK (hurriedly): And moving right along into the Double Jeopardy round –

REYES: Yoo hoo! Alex! I think you forgot me!

TREBEK: I can only try. And in first place, with a commanding score of zero, is Special Agent Monica Reyes.

REYES: That's me!

TREBEK: Unfortunately. And now – look, Mr. Spender, I thought I asked you to put out that cigarette.

CSM: You're foolish, Alex. Very foolish.

TREBEK: And the categories for Double Jeopardy are: "Potent Potables" (insert dinging sound here), "Words That Rhyme With Orange" (ding!), "Names That End In 'Illiam'" (ding!), "Things You Do Not Stick Up Your Nose" (ding!), "The Sun" (ding!), "Spelling"(ding!), and "What's Your Number?"(ding!). That's where I read you a telephone number, and you tell me whether or not it's yours. Agent Doggett, it's your board.

DOGGETT: I'll take "My Son" for two hundred dollars.

TREBEK: You mean, "The Sun".

DOGGETT: Dammit, my son, Trebek, my son!

TREBEK: Look, Agent Doggett, I think there's been some kind of mistake –

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Yes, Mr. Spender?

CSM: Who is Jeffrey Spender?

TREBEK: The category is NOT "My Son"!

DOGGETT: Then what is it, Trebek? What is it? How many will it take before you give a damn?

TREBEK: The category is about the sun, Mr. Doggett. A big ball of burning gas billions of -

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Mr. Spender, I'm trying to –

CSM: Who is Fox Mulder?

TREBEK: No! There is no "My Son"! There is no son of any sort here!

Doggett vaults over his podium and slams Trebek against the wall by his shirt front.

DOGGETT: STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE, TREBEK! YOU HEAR ME?

CSM rings in. Doggett lets Trebek go and walks back to his spot, casting angry glances over his shoulder.

CSM: Who is Walter Skinner?

TREBEK (as he rubs his throat gingerly): What kind of a sex fiend are you?

CSM: It's men like you who keep the American public the way it is.

Trebek surveys his contestants. Doggett and CSM glower at him.

TREBEK: I never thought I'd hear myself say this but – Agent Reyes, why don't you choose a category?

REYES: I'll take –

TREBEK: On second thought, I'll do it for you. How about "Names That End In 'Illiam'" for four hundred dollars? And the answer is: "This is the only real name that ends in 'Illiam'". (There is a long pause. No one rings in.) It begins with a "W". (No one rings in.) I happen to know someone you all know recently had a son and named him this.

DOGGETT: Had a son? Are you trying to rub it in, Trebek? Because a man doesn't –

TREBEK: I'm not making any reference to your son, Agent Doggett.

DOGGETT: I've had just about enough out of you, Trebek…

TREBEK: Okay, okay, perhaps we should backtrack. I happen to know you all know someone – a very small someone – who has this name.

Reyes rings in.

REYES: What is "Frohike"?

TREBEK: No.

REYES: But you said "small"…

DOGGETT: Hey! "Frohike" doesn't rhyme with "Illiam"!

TREBEK: And it isn't the correct answer.

REYES: It does in the metaphysical sense.

TREBEK: The answer is not "Frohike"!

DOGGETT: Then what is it, Trebek? Because, frankly, you're asking me to believe –

TREBEK: And the name that rhymes with "Illiam" is, of course, "William".

REYES: Aha! A trick question!

TREBEK: What? Sure, Agent Reyes, a trick question. Mr. Spender, would you please put out that cigarette?

CSM: You're damning yourself, Alex.

CSM stubs out his Morley's.

TREBEK: And let's move on to Final Jeopardy (Trebek looks up at the set manager) – what? What do you mean we still have time for one more category? (Trebek sighs.) I hate my life. Why don't we take "Spelling" for eight hundred dollars? And the answer is: "This is how you spell 'FBI'."

CSM rings in.

TREBEK: Yes, Mr. Spender?

CSM: What is "J-E-L-L-O"?

TREBEK: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Agents Doggett and Reyes, do either of you -

CSM: Is it? Is it really?

TREBEK: As a matter of a fact, it is. Agents –

CSM: You learn a lot from watching people, Trebek.

TREBEK: Is that so? I'm sure it must be very interesting. Now, Agents –

DOGGETT: Just hold on there a minute, Trebek. I think he wants to say something.

CSM: You know it's the answer, Alex – you just won't let yourself admit it. You've always been attracted to difficult questions.

TREBEK: No, I'm fairly certain "FBI" is not spelled J-E-L-L-O.

CSM: You say that now, but are you sure?

TREBEK: Yes.

DOGGETT: Maybe, Trebek. Or maybe you just didn't know that question as well as you thought you did.

CSM: It's men like you responsible for the gigantic conspiracy enveloping this country.

REYES: Come on now, Alex, there's always room for J-E-L-L-O!

TREBEK: For the love of humanity, keep your mouths shut!

Doggett breaks down.

DOGGETT: I'm sorry… it's just that, if it's true, if… then I didn't do everything I could have to get him back.

TREBEK: Agent Doggett, while I sympathize with your situation, I really don't see how spelling "FBI" J-E-L-L-O could have helped at all in successfully returning your son alive.

CSM: Can't you? Can't you really?

TREBEK: And moving right along, it's finally time for Final Jeopardy – thank God. And the category is… "Nothing". All you have to do is write nothing. (The Jeopardy music starts to play and our contestants… don't start to write.) That's right. In order to answer this question correctly, all you have to do is sit there and stare into space. You can do anything you want, as long as that pen doesn't touch paper. You would need to have the IQ of a rock to get this wrong. (The music ends.) And now, we'll see how you got it wrong. Agent Doggett, you were in last place. Let's see what you put. Agent Doggett? Agent Doggett?

Doggett is staring into emptiness.

DOGGETT: I see him, Trebek. I saw his body, and, suddenly, it was ashes…

TREBEK: I see. We'll just leave Agent Doggett to his acid flashback and move right along to Mr. Spender. And… dear God, his podium's on fire!

CSM: Is it? Is it really?

TREBEK: I thought I told you to put out those cigarettes!

CSM: Did you, Alex? It's men like you who –

TREBEK: All right, fine. Fine. I don't care anymore. Next, we had Agent Reyes. And she put… Agent Reyes, you seem to have written… something. The category was "Nothing" and you wrote something. What does that say? "Monica"? Agent, why did you write your name on the paper?

REYES: I didn't want to lose it.

TREBEK: Oh, you've lost it, all right. Well, it appears that, once again, a perfectly enthusiastic studio audience has been gravely disappointed in their favourite television show characters. I'm Alex Trebek, and I'm going to go see if they have an opening on "Wheel of Fortune". Good night.

CUE MORE JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC

***END SCENE***