With Love Comes Pain
Author: Laura Kenobi
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, I don't own Star Wars. I do, however, own any original characters, planets, etcetera that I created for this story.
Archive: Please contact me first!
Comments/Reviews: You can email me through my profile, and you can always leave a review!
Author's Notes: ((italics)) represents thoughts and "/ italics /" represents communication through the Force.
This story was first published in its original version on July 17, 2001. In July 2005, I decided that since four years had passed and my skills as a writer had undoubtedly improved since this story was first written and posted, it might be refreshing to return to this story and give it a fresh look and an update. For the most part the overall story remains the same - my goal has been to improve on and expand on the original, so I hope the result will prove enjoyable to all of you who are wonderful enough to read and review. The version of this story below is the updated version. Call it the "Special Edition" version of this story.
Here's another chapter! Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing - I really appreciate it! I live off of your feedback! Thank you!
Summary: When a mission goes dreadfully wrong, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn must deal with the possibility of loosing his Padawan Learner...
Chapter Four
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Qui-Gon was sure his heart, his soul, could take no more. As soon as Kitla had begun healing Obi-Wan's brain, the young man's body had been tossing in agony. Cries tore from his lips when he could not stop them, and he was covered in a cold sweat. Qui-Gon gripped one of his Padawan's hands, and it was cold. Pain rippled through the force so strongly Qui-Gon could almost feel it physically.
"I'm here, Obi-Wan. I'm here."
He continued to speak soothingly to his Padawan as the procedure continued. He knew Obi-Wan could hear him, and he also knew that the young man's cries were ebbing away slowly...
Suddenly, Obi-Wan's body gave a massive shudder and agonizing screams tore from the young Jedi's lips.
"Nooooooooooooo... please... oh, Force..."
Qui-Gon was alarmed. Was this normal? He had promised the healer he would not interrupt the procedure, so he kept his questions to himself. Holding his apprentice's hand firmly, Qui-Gon moved to cradle Obi-Wan's frail body in his arms.
Tears were streaming down Obi-Wan's face, making him look even more pale and sick than he really was. Qui-Gon's heart wrenched forcefully.
"Master... hurts Master... please... stop... hurts..." Obi-Wan's eyes cleared momentarily and he pleaded with Qui-Gon for a moment before he slipped away again.
"It'll be over soon, my son. Shhhhhh..." Qui-Gon was trying his best to comfort his hurting apprentice, but Obi-Wan was far from comfort now.
Abruptly his cries intensified and his face contorted in pain. Qui-Gon was sure his heart was going to shatter into a thousand pieces. He held onto the young man, asking the Force to help his Padawan.
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Obi-Wan wasn't sure what was going on. He was back in the strange foggy room.
Something in the back of his mind told him that he was in pain, but he could feel nothing. He had opened up his mind to the healer and expected the worst, but instead here he was. He had no idea what to think.
"I see you are confused."
Obi-Wan turned to face the voice that had spoken to him out of the mist. He could not see anything.
"Who's there?"
"I am not in material form, so do not strain your eyes looking for me. My name is Leila Sarigo. I was a Jedi Master."
Obi-Wan's heart clenched. Past Jedi! He was dying! Everything he had told himself about not fearing death was suddenly gone.
"Master... I don't want to die... are you here to take me into the Force?"
Obi-Wan felt the ripples of laughter through the Force. "The decision, young Obi-Wan, is yours. I have been sent here to give you your choices."
"C-choices? I don't understand..."
"Your first choice is to come with me. To become one with the Force. This choice is painless, even blissful, I recall." Obi-Wan contemplated this choice as the spirit of the Jedi Master continued. "Your alternate choice is to return to life. I imagine you remember what that feels like."
Obi-Wan remembered all too well. Pain.
"Your life as it could be if you become one with the Force is blissful beyond the imagination of the living. You must decide if what you have in life is worth returning to," There was a slight pause, "The choice is entirely yours."
Obi-Wan felt torn. He could imagine what the life of deceased Jedi must be like... but what of his life?
"May I ask you a question?" He couldn't stop his curiosity.
"If you like, Padawan Kenobi."
"What would you do?"
There was a long moment of silence. She had not anticipated the question. Finally, the spirit of the Jedi Master spoke.
"There are many things a Jedi learns in life. Love, hate, fear, joy. And we learn to control those emotions. We also learn that life is a gift, only to be taken when there is no other option." Obi-Wan nodded, remembering his early teachings. "You must decide if allowing your life to end is your last option."
Obi-Wan's brow furrowed in thought.
"You have many people in your life who love you more that you know, Padawan Kenobi, although there are also many who have passed into the Force, but only one is sitting beside your body as we speak, wondering if you are going to wake up."
((Qui-Gon.)) Obi-Wan felt a stab of an emotion he couldn't place.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn has always been one to keep his feelings inside, Obi-Wan, but he does love you very much."
She hesitated. Obi-Wan turned his head, wishing he could see her face.
"I want to hear your opinion," he probed lightly.
"My opinion," she continued, "is that choosing the easy and painless path would be turning your back on all that your Master has taught you and all that he believes in, Padawan Kenobi. You will have all of eternity to live within the Force."
Obi-Wan was nodding as she spoke. He needed to go back to Qui-Gon. He needed to learn everything the Jedi Master could teach him. He would rather learn from Qui-Gon Jinn than anyone else in the galaxy.
She knew he had reached a decision. "You have a good soul, young one. Whatever happens, my Obi-Wan, do not give up hope," her voice was fading, and Obi-Wan could sense a small amount of sadness, "Know that many people love you, my son... I love you."
"Wait!" Obi-Wan cried out, confusion at her last words flying through his mind. Son?
"Ask quickly," her voice was so faint, "Your soul is returning to your body..."
"M-mother?" the word tasted odd on Obi-Wan's tongue.
With one simple word she confirmed it, and a million questions exploded into his head as he began to feel the pain of the living again.
"But... wait!" He could feel himself moving too far away from her.
"We have no more time now, Obi-Wan. You need to get back to your body, or your choice will be gone. Go with my love, my son..."
"Mother," something about the word felt right, "wait..." He had always wondered about his parents. He couldn't loose this chance. He wouldn't!
It was too late. He felt himself spiraling back into his body, and in the blink of an eye all he could feel was pain. Terrible, unbearable pain.
"Nooooooooooooo... please... oh, Force..." The pain was different than he had ever experienced. It was actually inside his head, almost like a headache, only worse. He could feel his Master's presence nearby, and he could suddenly focus.
"Master... hurts Master... please... stop... hurts..." He turned pleading eyes to the older Jedi's face, only to slip back into the painful state he dreaded so much. The pain was overwhelming...
((Mother...))
/ Go to your Master now, Obi-Wan. He can help you. /
Mentally nodding, the Jedi apprentice reached into the Force and called out will all of his strength for Qui-Gon Jinn.
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"Master! Oh, Force... Master... hurts... please... Master... Master..." Obi-Wan seemed to be willfully reaching out to Qui-Gon..
And then it was over as quickly as it had begun. Kitla slowly lifted her head and looked at Qui-Gon, nodding slightly. Obi-Wan slumped into his Master's arms, exhausted.
"That went better than I expected," Kitla spoke softly, "He may make a full recovery."
Qui-Gon grabbed her arm and squeezed, unable to speak. She smiled. "I'll leave the two of you alone for now."
As she exited, Qui-Gon settled Obi-Wan back onto his bed.
"M-Master?" Obi-Wan's voice was raspy from screaming.
"I'm right here, Padawan. I'm right here." Qui-Gon laid his hand on Obi-Wan's arm.
"I think, Master, that that was worse than my worst nightmare."
Qui-Gon chuckled softly, cherishing the sound of the young Jedi's voice. "Was it, Obi-Wan?"
"Yes." Obi-Wan's eyes opened slowly. He looked deadly serious. "Except I..." he shook his head. He would explain later.
Nodding slightly, Qui-Gon looked his Padawan directly in the eyes.
"I need to say so many things, Obi-Wan. I hope that you will listen to what I have to say and know that I would never lie to you."
"Yes, Master. I am listening." Obi-Wan looked a bit worried. Qui-Gon's heart ached; Obi-Wan was probably wondering if he was going to be reprimanded or given a lesson.
"I owe you an apology, Obi-Wan," his Padawan's eyes widened slightly, "I have taken you for granted, and it took almost loosing you to make me realize what a foolish man I have been. I'm so sorry, Padawan..."
Obi-Wan looked suddenly horrified. "Oh... I...no. Master, you have nothing to apologize for! If anyone should feel bad it should be me. Not you, Master! You are the greatest gift life has ever offered me..." Qui-Gon was shocked at the clarity in the young man's eyes.
"I am sorry, Padawan. I have so much I need to tell you... so much I almost lost the chance to say." Qui-Gon brought his hand up and rubbed his face momentarily.
"Then say it now, Master." Obi-Wan spoke softly, "I am here. I do not want you to be hurting because of me."
Qui-Gon felt tears come to his eyes. Obi-Wan was always trying to make others feel better even if he was in pain himself. His selflessness made Qui-Gon feel inadequate. He vowed to himself that he would learn from Obi-Wan's example.
"I let my pride get the best of me, Obi-Wan," he began, "I did not open myself up to you because I was afraid of the hurt it might cause later. I deprived you of all that you deserve because of my hesitation to open myself up." Obi-Wan looked shocked.
"What you need to know," Qui-Gon continued, "is that you mean more to me than you will ever know... I should have realized that with love comes pain. Without each other they are meaningless. Without love then what is pain? Without pain what is love?"
"Master... I am not deserving of such a – a compliment." insecurity shone in the young Jedi's eyes. Insecurity and the slightest hint of joy.
"You couldn't be more wrong, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon cursed himself, "You deserve so much more than I have ever given you. I see the doubt – the insecurity – in your eyes... and it pains me to know that I have put it there. I have not praised you as I should; I have not given you the love that you have earned and that you deserve..."
"Master..." Obi-Wan tried to speak, but Qui-Gon waved his hand slightly, demanding silence.
"Please, Obi-Wan, Let me finish."
Looking more uncertain now than ever, Obi-Wan nodded.
"I am correct in saying that you feel insecure, am I not?"
The younger Jedi flushed scarlet. He nodded softly, shame written all over his young face. Qui-Gon's heart heaved violently.
"You see? I have placed that feeling in you. I should have said many things, Obi-Wan. But instead I just stood by and let the precious moments tick away." He took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts.
"When you won that sparring tournament with your classmates a few weeks ago, when you aced that test in chemistry that you worked so hard for, when you first successfully completed the fifth level training course... I did not let you feel the immense pride and love that I felt in those moments. I remained cool and aloof... the 'perfect' image of a stoic Jedi. But in reality I have been exactly the opposite. I put my pride first, Obi-Wan, and I promise you now that I will never again be so foolish. You mean more to me than life itself, Padawan. Never again will I allow you to doubt that – or anything else about yourself. I love you so much, my Obi-Wan... I am so very proud of you."
As he finished, he looked into Obi-Wan's eyes to see what his apprentice was thinking. You could tell anything and everything about Obi-Wan from his eyes – he had learned that long ago. Obi-Wan hated that fact, but Qui-Gon was always glad. He could always tell if Obi-Wan was lying.
Obi-Wan's blue/green eyes were full of amazement and shone with tears of joy. Qui-Gon was immensely relieved.
"I... I don't know what to say, Master. I-I... thank you. You... I..." Obi-Wan fought to control his tears. Qui-Gon could feel his Padawan's relief and appreciation through their bond, which, Qui-Gon decided, needed a little strengthening. He would open up completely to Obi-Wan.
"I only wish I had told you sooner, Obi-Wan. I love you as a son. Now I believe there is something I should do..."
Reaching into the part of the Force that was his bond with Obi-Wan, he sent the younger man a bundle of emotions. Everything he felt about Obi-Wan and his achievements. Love, pride, happiness... at the same time, he strengthened the bond, rendering it virtually unbreakable. As he opened his eyes, he saw that Obi-Wan was trying to find words, and failing miserably. Qui-Gon smiled at his Padawan, and all the suffering in the galaxy seemed to fade away as Obi-Wan smiled vibrantly.
"Master... I-I never knew. I never knew what a bond was supposed to... be like, feel like. Incredible," he breathed, feeling happier than he ever had in his entire life. "Thank you, Master." He felt content.
Qui-Gon ruffled the young Jedi's hair affectionately. "Now get some rest... you're going to need it. I love you, Padawan."
"Yes Master," Obi-Wan tried to stifle a yawn, "Love you, too..." He had never been happier to say those words.
He was fast asleep before Qui-Gon could say anything else. The Jedi Master smiled. (("Love you, too...")) Those words had touched the Jedi Master more than he had ever thought possible. Looking down at his sleeping apprentice, Qui-Gon made a silent promise. He would never shield from this young man again. Never again would he be the cause of Obi-Wan's pain or self-doubt. Eyes shining with unspeakable emotion, he leaned over and touched his forehead to his Padawan's.
"Sleep well, my son... sleep well."
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End Chapter 4.
This was going to be the end, but I've decided to add another chapter. Thank you so much for reading! - Laura