Part Six

Part Six

*** 2009 ***

I'm not sure what exactly it is I'm doing here.
I watched the funeral from a distance. It happened just after nightfall. Late enough to have the darkness protect the two vampires that were actually invited and incidentally me.

Angel nodded to me as it began but he hasn't made a sign he's aware of my presence since. Willow is saying something over the grave and I can see someone holding Anya in his arms. Buffy just stands there. Cold, still, almost impatient as if she's urging them to just get on with it and close the hole in the ground that holds the man who was her Watcher almost since she was called.

I still can't believe it. Giles is dead. Really dead. And in such a stupid way too.
A traffic accident for crying out loud. The man fights the forces of evil for most of his adult life and he ends up dead because some drunk couldn't keep his eyes on the road.

I can see Spike's the last to go. He empties a bottle of booze on the new grave. A sign of respect from his side. I wait for them all to be gone before I approach. Everything is silent and I kneel next to the grave.
The gravestone is standing next to the slot. Ready to be placed.

It's simple. Just his name, date of birth and death. And a simple phrase.
"He taught us how to live."

I can feel her eyes in the back of my neck and turn around. She nods and I start running. She gives me a few seconds headstart before coming after me. I jump over some obstacles, desperate to get away and unwilling to fight. The woman is ruthless, her hunt is without mercy. Not like it used to be when we were young. But then again, I was never on this side of the hunt before.

I stumble and she looms over me. The years have made her eyes cold, almost lifeless. How much of that is because of losing to much too soon.
She recognizes me, not that it gives me anything. Probably quite the opposites. It is only a reminder of how much she's lost.
I'm not yet ready to die so I duck back and block her strike.

Incredible, I actually succeed. I grab for her stakes, she beats hard but I avoid her and she falls over. My face shifts and I stare at her through vampiric eyes. She rolls out of the way and strikes again. Furious, with measured hits.

"Can't take me Xander?"

I go wild and attack her. She's lying on the ground as I hover over her. Ready to attack.

"Come on you bastard. Kill me. Do it you damn vampire. Kill me!"

And I look at her. Her wild blond hair, loosely spread around her face. Unkempt, wild. Her funeral attire is clean but there are shreds into it from the fight.
Her eyes are near to death, without hope, with a complete lack of fight inside of them.

I back of, she wasn't after my life. All she wanted was for me to take hers.

"I can't Buffy."

"Damn it Xander. Be a man, be a vampire. Kill me. Have your good day."

But I can't do it and I nearly break under the pain in her eyes.

"Please my Xander shaped friend. If you ever cared for me… do it… Kill me"
And she bears her throat, ready for me to take it. I step back, she follows.

"Please Buffy no."

"I don't want anyone else to do it Xander. But I will make them if you won't."
I remember the sight of Angel and Spike at the funeral. Both hanging around Buffy, dead concerned. Having to kill her would destroy either of them.
"There's plenty of killers out there", she says, but I know of who she's really talking of.
"Let it be someone I loved.
Please my brother. Help me end it."

I'm so in shock, so unable to think. Her neck gives in all too easily and she's smiling as I can't let go of it. Her blood whispers to my own. Its song holding a strength of its own, completely unlike anything I've ever drank before.

"Buffy!"

*********

I wake up screaming her name. The Slayer, my friend.
The one I killed.
I am a killer, a monster.
Why?
My tears fall down on the pillow and there's nothing I can do to make them stop.

"Who's Buffy?"

I jump up and face the darkness, hearing her heartbeat clearly. She's looking at me in concern. My coat is in her hand as if to say I can have it back now. No ties, nothing to pull us closer no more. I crawl out of bed and try and cover myself. Anything to avoid her eyes. I can see her shadow lenghten until it reaches my bed. Even in the darkness I can see every spot on her coat. I still turn the light on.

"What do you want? You're not supposed to be here."
I smile in irony, thinking she's not the first one I've said those words too. My words echo through the empty places of the room. I tremble, thinking of LaCroix and grab for a pair of boxers.

"So who's Buffy?"

"A Slayer. I killed her."

The words come out so simple, so straightforward. If only it was that easy. She's shocked and takes a step back. About time she realizes how dangerous I am. For some reason, I can't let her think I want to kill her. I'm not even sure why.

"I shouldn't have done it. I should have …"

Clarice looks at me almost hopeful, she wants to hear an excuse, a reason to let it go.
"But she wanted to die didn't she?"
So insightful, my head slouches in between my legs and I fall still. I stop breathing, stop doing anything.

"She begged me to kill her. I didn't want to do it. But she was so …"
I never wanted to hurt her. Then, intentions and actions… not always the same thing.

"She shouldn't have done that to you."

She shouldn't have? I'm the killer here, can't forget about that. But part of me agrees with her. It wasn't right for Buffy to make me kill her. But can I blame her for that.

"I tasted her blood. So sweet, so calm."
She snorts at that.
"It touched out to me, her pain, her shame. That's all I felt in it. Acceptance of death and shame. All …"

"Xander?" She sits down next to me on the bed. I can feel her hand on my shoulder. I'm just rocking back and forth. Not really sure why.

"She was like a sister to me. A very good-looking sister that you ogle under the shower. Ready to run as soon as she spots you. So completely of limits that you couldn't love her but from a distance. And I did love her. And I killed her."

I don't know why she doesn't stake me for that. She should. I deserve to die final death. She just hugs me, trusting me mere inches away from the veins in her neck. Those veins, they're drumming right under her skin. The beast inside me wants to go for it. I won't let it. When she pulls back, my face is streaked red with tears.