Once again I don't own the characters just this plot because I don't think they would be able to put this on T.V!
On the bridge. There's a party going on. The senior crew are all there.
Janeway: finally he's gone
Chakotay: at last no more Leola root
Tuvok: no more annoying idiotic man
B'lanna: no one to stop me stealing food from the kitchen
Tom: he's gone. Bye bye Neelix we won't miss you
Harry: I will he used to make my breakfast.
B'lanna: yea who's going to cook now?
Jw: tom how about it?
Tom: no I took over from Kes how about Seven?
Seven: erm that would be illogical
Tuvok: I have sufficient knowledge of cookery from my
time
Jw: perfect as long as I get my coffee you'll start tomorrow. now lets party!
Next morning in the mess hall.
(B'lanna comes in looking very hungry immediately goes for the counter)
B'lanna: where's breakfast?
Tuvok: on the counter
B'lanna: they're emergency rations.
Tuvok: yes and they contain all the nutrients you require.
(Janeway enters as B'lanna lunges for Tuvok)
Jw: B'LANNA think of the baby!
B'lanna: I'm doing this for the baby look what she thinks is good enough nutrition for us!
Jw: ok so we can live on emergency rations they do have all the nutrients you need.
Tuvok: thank you Captain
Jw: now where is my coffee?
Tuvok: I have determined that coffee should not be served on this ship anymore
Jw: security to the mess hall at once
Seven: captain what are you doing? The energy we'll save by
not replicating coffee any more will run the ship until we get back to the
alpha quadrant
(security team led by Chakotay enters)
Jw: arrest her for…. Let me think…. mutiny? Can I get him for that?
Chakotay: what has he done?
Jw: tried to stop the crew drinking coffee
Chakotay: yes that is counted as mutiny
Jw: (a la C. Montgomery Burns aka Monty Burns) excellent
In sick bay.
Seven: doctor I am not well
Doc: what's wrong is it your implants (looks at her boobs)
Seven: no Doctor and I told you they real! I have this overwhelming urge to cry, eat chocolate, and kill all men.
Doc: stomach pains?
Seven: yes quite severe.
Doc: you having a period get used to it you'll have them until you're around fifty. Now I can give you something for the pain if you want but everything else you just have to get used to.
Seven: is it permissible to kill a member of the crew?
Doc: NO SEVEN! All the other women on the ship cope so will you think of it as a way to bond with-
Seven: where are those painkillers you were talking about?
The senior staff are now in a meeting.
Jw: what are we going to do about the kitchen crisis. I could do it Chakotay you like my cooking don't you?
Chakotay: yea of course I love it but …erm….. the captain has more important duties like erm…. staying on the bridge
Seven: all men are evil
Jw: ok seven. So Tuvok can't do, Harry is out tom is out-
Harry: captain why am I out?
Jw: cause you're my special ensign on the bridge aren't you sweetie?
(Harry looks bashful)
Harry: well I do press a lot of shiny buttons AND last week I didn't fire the torpedoes once by accident!
Jw: that's my boy! Now back to the current crisis. How about you B'lanna you can't work in engineering that much now that you can't fit into Jeffries tubes anymore so you have a lot of time on your hands.
B'lanna: ok I have to go into engineering a couple of times a day though and yell at people and make sure all the men are working split shifts they have three hours on then three off constantly all day long.
Tuvok: isn't that cruel and unusual punishment?
B'lanna: EXCUSE ME I AM PREGNANT HERE!!!!! I have to
get
Tom: calm down sweetie. You're being perfectly reasonable not letting the male engineers sleep
(Janeway knocks a padd off the table accidentally on purpose)
Seven: why don't you make all the men were pregnancy suits too so they know how you feel?
B'lanna: what a great idea it will make them all sorry
Jw: um yea whatever ( Janeway had been staring at Chakotay' s ass while he was picking up the padd) so you're now the chief cook
Next morning in the mess hall.
Ensign no name: hi B'lanna what's for breakfast?
(B'lanna is stuffing her face )
B'lanna: erm (looks around the kitchen) it seems all the food is gone you should have gotten here earlier
Ensign no name: but it's six in the morning I can't come in any-
B'lanna: don't back talk to me it's emergency rations or nothing
Ensign No name: can at least have a cup of coffee
B'lanna: ok I'm not allowed drink that
Mean while seven is astrometrics with Echeb.
Seven: all men are evil bastards.
Echeb: why seven?
Seven: because you don't have to have periods and don't even get me started on the whole pregnancy thing
Echeb: you still like me don't you?
Seven: ask me again later…. Much later
Later that day.
Jw: B'lanna you're doing a great job this coffee is delicious.
(as it turns out the entire crew don't care what they eat as long as they can have coffee)
Jw: now there's just the little matter of every thing else that Neelix used to do could you take over the morale officer thing, I have Chakotay on diplomacy and can you be Naomi's god father?
B'lanna: sure I can counsel people and I could do with the practise so I can mind Naomi
Jw: excellent now for the rest of my work look I have almost completed minesweeper
B'lanna: it's on beginner I can do that in 9 seconds you've been at it for 852 seconds
Jw: shut up or I'll never let you be chief engineer again Vorik isn't doing that badly
B'lanna: he ejected the core by accident yesterday and didn't realise for two hours that it was missing!
Jw: yea but he's great in bed
B'lanna:
Jw: I never said that I heard that he was good in bed
B'lanna: yea sure just like you heard that Chakotay was good in the sack
Jw: well I haven't actually slept with Chakotay
B'lanna: why not? you are constantly chatting him up and staring at his ass why don't you just do it?
Jw: maybe I will
In astrometrics
Seven: Echeb do you have to breathe so
Echeb: sorry Seven I didn't know-
Seven: of course you knew GET OUT THIS INSTANT!!!! I never want to see you again I HATE you!!!!!
Echeb: but-
Seven: OUT!!
Echeb: seven be reson-
Seven: get out or I'll shoot you with this phaser and it's not on stun!
Echeb: see ya
On the bridge.
Jw: commander can I see you in here for a minute?
Chakoaty: yes captain
(in her ready room she is sitting on the couch)
Jw: come sit next to me commander
Chakotay: ok so what did you want?
Jw: just to 'talk'
Chakotay: 'TALK' as in talk?
Jw: yes commander so how are you?
Chakotay: well I've actually my constipation is acting up a bit again
Jw: ok I really wanted to know that but how do you feel?
Chakotay: my animal guide says I'm feeling very balanced at the moment
Jw: (tries a new tactic) so what are you doing tonight?
Chakotay: nothing really except those reports on engineering
Jw: well how would you like to come to my quarters for (pause) coffee? By the way let Tuvok out of the brig we'll need some one to watch the bridge last time Harry was alone he tried to make friends with the Vidians
Chakotay: I go let Tuvok out but I don't drink- oh 'coffee' coffee erm I'll have to get back to you on that bye I have to go
(Chakotay runs out of the room)
Jw: what was I doing wrong? Maybe if I dress up a bit and wear some makeup and change my hair…..
In the mess hall. B'lanna: so is every happy with my cooking?
Blue guy: it's horrible I hate emergency rations I'm gonna complain to the captain
B'lanna: (pulls out a bat-lath from behind the counter) you still gonna complain?
Blue guy: I love rations they're nutritious
B'lanna: good now where's Naomi I'm supposed to bond with her
(Naomi walks in looking sad)
B'lanna: Naomi good you're here what's wrong?
Naomi: I miss Neelix and I was kinda mean to him before he went and I want him back.
B'lanna: (has been rooting through the fridge and is now eating a chocolate fudge cake) really yea I know how you feel
Naomi: you're not listening
B'lanna: of course I am and to make up for Neelix leaving I'm going to let you have some cake
Naomi: I can't I'm not allowed to have snacks in between meals
B'lanna: it's a treat
Naomi: I can't break the rules because I'm perfect
B'lanna: no you're not you're just boring I mean you're a kid live a little
Naomi: but then people won't love me
B'lanna: ok right now people think you're creepy because you don't have any fun
Naomi: how I can show them I'm not
B'lanna: easy play a practical joke
Naomi: but I don't know how
B'lanna: I'll help you
Naomi: ok so soon every one will love me!
In astrometrics.
Seven: I hate this ship it's so slow and stupid it would be much better if I was still on a cube then everybody would feel the same as me. There's an idea! No more stupid comments from the crew sure I would have to wear those ugly implants but at least men would stop staring at my boobs
In Janeway's quarters
Jw: now to make myself more attractive to Chakotay. Let's see I taken all the mousse out of my hair so it's not being held 6 inches off my head any more, a nice short dress he will want me.
Meanwhile in Chakotay' s quarters.
Chakotay: oh no oh no oh no! the captain wants to have coffee with me I can't I mean she's the captain. I have to ask my animal guide.
(sits down on the floor and starts meditating)
Animal guide: what are you doing here again? I thought I told you last time to start making your own decisions
Chakotay: I know you did oh great giant bunny rabbit but I need your help
Animal guide: how many times do I have to tell you my name is Phil
What do you need to know?
Chakotay: Kathryn has invited me around for coffee and you know what that means
Phil: what?
Chakotay: sex obviously
Phil: and what if she really meant coffee then what?
Chakotay: no I know she wants sex
Phil: do you want to have sex?
Chakotay: yes but would it be right?
Phil: two consenting adults why not? Can't you just enjoy yourself for once?
Chakotay: I suppose so but what will I wear?
Phil: that's it no more of you I'm leaving you get yourself a new animal guide
Chakotay: but but you're not allowed leave me
Phil: yes I am it's just very rare but there are easier ways to make a living see ya
(Chakotay bursts into tears as Phil hops off to a new and better person to be a guide to)
Chakotay: I can't believe I lost another animal guide what's wrong with me.( lets out a loud sob then pauses looking shocked) Oh well easy come easy go now what will I wear to Kathryn's place?
In the mess hall
Naomi: what will the practical joke be?
B'lanna: I don't know something that the whole ship will see and know about
Naomi: I could reset everyone's alarm clock?
B'lanna: no it has to be better…. Bigger
Naomi: put chilli powder in the coffee?
B'lanna: do you WANT to be lynched? The crew will die if they don't get coffee. I know we could play a joke on Tuvok!
Naomi: yea he won't mind that much and even of he does he can't get mad!
B'lanna: what will we do?
Naomi: tomorrow morning
B'lanna: perfect! But what can we do?
Naomi: instead of the phasers coming out
B'lanna: how about it projects something into space?
Naomi: I know I got it! The bat symbol
B'lanna: bat symbol???
Naomi: yea it's in those old shows I watch with Tom
B'lanna: what does it look like?
Naomi: it has a yellow background and then a picture of a bat on it
B'lanna: doesn't sound too hard but we'll have to set it up tonight cause I hate getting up early
Naomi: ok let's go on you distract Tuvok and I'll set it up
In Janeway's quarters.
Jw: where is he I'm cold (she is draped across a couch in a slinky negligee)
Ding Dong
Jw: who is it?
Chakotay: it's me Chakotay I'm here for 'coffee'
Jw: come on in
(Chakotay comes in and Janeway faints. In his indecisiveness over what to wear Chakotay decided that he didn't need any clothes. Although he did remember his manners and bring a big bouquet of flowers.)
Chakotay: Kathryn are you alright?
Jw: (coming around) I just didn't expect to see quite so much of you
Chakotay: well I didn't want to waste any time. Only about five minutes before Tuvok interrupts as usual and I want to see some action
Jw: how romantic! Oh Chakotay!
Chakotay: oh Kathryn (and with that carries her into the bedroom)
Meanwhile Seven is getting busy with her planned reunion with her borg buddies.
Seven: just connect this with this and there!
Borg Queen: seven you contacted us. What's on your mind?
Seven: you don't get periods with the Borg do you?
Borg Queen: no why do you think we started it was me trying to get rid of a really bad cramp. Then the whole hive mind thing kicked in and the plans for universal domination. It was a natural progression. The Borg's aim is to relieve pain.
Seven: I want to come back
Borg Queen: like you've never said that before
Seven: this time I'm serious will you come pick me up?
Borg Queen: ok where are you?
Seven: these are the coordinates
Borg Queen: ok I'll see you tomorrow
On the bridge.
( all is quite Harry is spinning around in the captains chair while Tuvok is working away at his station.)
Harry: weeeeeeeee weeeeeeee
Tuvok: be quiet Ensign I let you sit on the big chair now keep your part of the bargain
Harry: ok just don't put me in the brig last time you forgot to feed me
Tuvok: ok
(B'lanna and Naomi walk onto the bridge)
B'lanna: Tuvok could I talk to you a minute
Tuvok: yes Lieutenant
B'lanna: in the captains ready room if that's ok
Tuvok: of course
(they exit for the ready room)
Naomi: now to put the plan into action
(she pulls out tools and starts working)
Harry: whatcha doin'?
Naomi: be quiet Harry I'm busy
Harry: you can't tell me to be quiet I'm an ensign!
Naomi: and you've been an ensign how long?
Harry: I'll tell the captain on you
Naomi: she won't believe you I'm perfect how can I do something wrong?
Harry: I'm gonna sit in the big chair and fire torpedoes at things
Naomi: yes because that is such the good idea!
In the ready room
B'lanna: so Tuvok how are you?
Tuvok: I am very well even if I have been put in jail due to your complaining
B'lanna: oh yea sorry about that
Tuvok: is that all? I'm very busy
B'lanna: no I have something important to tell you
Tuvok; what?
B'lanna: This piece of news is so shocking that I think you should sit down while I tell you
Tuvok: I do not think this is necessary Lieutenant
B'lanna: but it is! I have to tell you this and it's very hard for me it will change everything
Tuvok: please hurry up
B'lanna: *I have to keep him occupied for another two minutes* I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY!
Tuvok: do not be ridiculous the child is your husbands
B'lanna: I meant to say that
Tuvok: that is impossible the doctor is a hologram
B'lanna:
Tuvok: logic suggests that you are wrong since the captain has shown no interest in Mr. Kim that way
B'lanna: yes but she does call him her special 'helper'
Tuvok: but the captain and Harry?
B'lanna: very believable match
Tuvok: I should speak to her about this. Tuvok to Janeway.
Jw: yes Tuvok?
(Janeway is lying in bed smoking with Chakotay)
Tuvok: captain are you pregnant with Mr. Kim's baby?
Chakotay: you're pregnant by HARRY!!!! I'm outta here
(Chakotay runs naked out of Janeway's quarters and makes for his own unfortunately for the crew he decides to stop by the mess hall for some coffee)
Tuvok: why was Commander Chakotay in your quarters?
Jw: he was changing a …erm… light bulb!
Tuvok: ok but are you pregnant?
Jw: no I am not pregnant by Mr. Kim. Janeway out.
Tuvok: B'lanna why did you lie to me?
B'lanna: pregnancy hormones I'm feeling very irrational. Well I need food bye bye
(Tuvok returns to his station not noticing the changes Naomi has made)
The next day.
In the mess hall.
B'lanna: Come on Naomi let's go to the bridge and wait for Tuvok to press the button for phasers
In astrometrics.
Seven: Let's see what do I need to bring with me my make up, my wonder bra and I think that's about it. I'll go wait for my lift on the bridge.
On the bridge.
Jw: good morning Chakotay
Chakotay: good morning Captain how the pregnancy?
Jw: Tuvok open a com channel to the entire ship
Tuvok: it's done captain
Jw: I would like to clarify that I am not pregnant by Ensign Kim contrary to rumours. However I did have sex with Commander Chakotay last night. That's it have a nice day!
Chakotay: I can't believe you told everyone that. I was planning on bragging tonight at poker and you ruined it
(Chakotay goes into a sulk)
Jw: (leans over and whispers something that we can't hear (this is a general rating!) in his ear) Commander can I see you in my ready room?
Chakotay: yes ma'am (runs to her ready room)
Jw: Tuvok you have the bridge.
(the turbo lift opens and out steps Naomi, B'lanna and Seven)
Tuvok: what are you all doing here?
In unison: nothing
Harry: I can see big black squares on my screen thing and there getting bigger!
Tom: oh dear god it's the Borg!
Tuvok: captain we need you out here now!
Jw: can it wait?
Tuvok: no it's the Borg
Jw: bad timing ok sweetie put back on your pan-
Tuvok: the com line is still open
Jw: well close it I'll be out in a minute
Tuvok: fine so
( a minute later everyone is one the bridge)
Jw: Tuvok fire the phasers
Tuvok: yes captain I'll use my new improved ones
(Naomi lets out a giggle)
(you can guess what happens next Tuvok fires and the batman symbol comes up on the Borg ship. After a long stream of words that you would never think a Vulcan would know seven speaks up)
Seven: Captain they are here to pick me up I'm going back to the Borg.
Jw: but why I thought you liked being an individual?
Seven: yea I did kinda but period pains suck and Borg don't get them so see ya thanks for you know…erm stuff. Bye
(seven leaves and the cube goes flying away to home)
Jw; I can't believe it…….. oh well at least we won't have to compete for ratings any more
Chakotay: what happened the phasers?
Naomi: B'lanna did it I tried to stop her but I couldn't
B'lanna: what you little brat it was 50/50 all the way and the bat signal was yours
Jw: I don't care Naomi is perfect so therefore infallible so B'lanna you don't get to be cook any more. Now that that is sorted Chakotay follow me in to my ready room for some 'coffee'….