I don't claim to own Gundam Wing or the song How by Lisa
Loeb. Those wonderful things belong to
their respective owners. I make no
money…period. So please don't sue me,
or else I won't be able to afford food this year.
//song lyrics// Oh yeah, each section I switch the POV so you
don't get confused.
//I didn't come this far
For you to make this hard for me//
I finally
had tracked him down. When Heero Yuy
decided to become invisible, the effort to find him proved to be like catching
shadows. I really can't explain why I
feel so compelled to have him by my side, but I know there is something hidden
deep beneath the unruly hair and stern glares.
Can the
perfect soldier have a soul? Can anyone
who takes pride in the art of battle truly have one? I have never seen the glory in bloodshed; the act of taking
someone's life into your own hands has caused many sleepless nights for
me. I have to face the fact that wars
still continue despite my efforts everyday.
But I still hold the hope for claiming his soul for my own someday,
maybe causing the dissipation of his longing to fight.
I spy him
from my perch as he wades through the crowd of students. He does a good job of fitting in, especially
while wearing the same uniform.
Matching everyone else, he can hide within plain sight.
"Heero," I
call, patiently waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. I count the seconds as they tick by slower
then usual. He doesn't turn to face me,
but continues on his original course.
The organ,
previously known as my heart, falls into the murky depths of despair. He didn't flinch when I called to him; he
made no sign that he even knew his own name.
After all this time he still chooses to ignore me. I have traveled over oceans, continents, and
the depths of space to find him, but he can't be bothered with me. Why does he cause me such pain? Does he not notice how much I have tried to
get his attention?
//And now you want to ask me how.
It's like how does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?//
I don't
even notice when my feet take me running towards him. Staring at the receding form, I quicken the pace till I arrive at
his side. "Heero," I whisper.
"How did
you find me?" He questions without
sparing me a simple glance.
"I found
you, that's all that matters."
"Go away."
I find
myself gasping for my breath, my feet refusing my pleading efforts to continue
moving. All the hopes that I held for
our reunion, shattered by those two words.
'Move damn you!' If my heart
could stop at this moment I would have never noticed for all I could feel in
the pain radiating from the wound in my chest.
I wish he had killed me for the emotional pain I feel now is much worse
than the physical pain would be.
To live
without him is like a fish living without the sea. But now I stand here glued to the ground, watching his back as it
drifts further into the ocean of people.
How? How can someone with no
heart live?
//Why did you come here?
You weren't invited//
Somehow she
had found me. I always make myself as
scarce as possible, but she has followed me anyways. I always wonder why she tries so hard. I show her no affection, but every time I turn around she's there
showcasing her heart to me.
'Relena, why did you come
here? Is it not enough that I protect
your ideal future?'
No, it wasn't enough. It was never enough for her. She wanted everything that she could attain
and those things that lingered just beyond her grasp. Why she can never give up once she's set her sight on a prize
will baffle man for ages to come.
//You were on the outside
Stay on the outside//
We always
were from two different worlds. I was
born a fighter, a killer. She was bred
for political ascension. I do not
believe that destiny chose for us to meet.
I do not believe that there is a force shaping our lives, I choose my
own life. In my perfect life, I do not
see the vice foreign minister but only blood, death, and loneliness. This is what I would choose more than
anything else in this world.
She
believes that our meeting on the beach was fated, that we were drawn
together. I can't remember a time when
I heard anything more preposterous. The
only thing I can say that has been destined is our incompatibility.
//And now you want to ask me why
It's like how does your heart beat,
How do you cry?
How does your heart beat?//
So now I find myself running away
from her again. I've lost count of the
times that I've left her staring at my shadow.
I feel her eyes burning holes through my back, brimming with unshed
tears. I know she believes that she
feels something for me. I feel nothing;
I have no heart, no soul. I am just a
vessel put in this universe to rid it of the evil that attaches itself to
everything that is pure.
Her eyes are burning me at this
moment. I can't tell if she is still
standing where she was a moment ago when I told her to leave, but I refuse to
look back to find her location. Turning
would be a sign of weakness and a soldier must be stronger then his enemies,
even the 15 year old, female enemies.
Why is she an enemy you might
ask? The reason being simply that she
holds all my prior teachings in jeopardy.
Everything that I was taught to believe is disproved by who this girl is
and what she does. I cannot let that
happen.
//And there are some things
That I'd like to figure out//
Why can't I understand this boy? I can study a text and understand it within
hours, but I can't understand another human being. It frightens me that I can't find what makes him tick. My father told me that it was important to
be able to identify what other people are feeling. I wish I could follow my father's advice at this point in
time. But I find it impossible to read
the facial expressions of the stone cold figure still moving away from me. What truly goes on behind those icy blue
eyes? 'Father, please help me find the
motivation that Heero has for living.
Help me figure out what makes this boy live from day to day. Unless that
something that makes him carry on is the drive for battle, I don't think I
could live knowing that fact.'
He doesn't
know what it's like for me. To be so
infatuated with him knowing exactly what he does. Piloting and killing. I
stand here behind my title spouting off political jargon hoping that this will
all end soon, that there will no longer be a need for fighting. But my words can only go so far.
I can't see
where he is anymore. I stand here
staring at the empty hole next to me where he stood just minutes prior. If I could make my feet move, I would have
followed him. But what for? To be ignored?
//Like you and your letters that go on forever
And you and the people that were never friends
Never friends//
I don't
know why I was sticking around today.
She had warned me with an email about her arrival. I should have just left and not even
bothered to see her. Is it possible
that I /wanted/ to see her? No, that's
not possible. I am the perfect soldier;
nothing causes me to second-guess myself.
I live for my missions, that is all.
My life is for killing in order to create peace. My hands are stained with blood in order for
others to not feel the pain I do. To
never feel what it is to mercilessly destroy everything that comes against
you. Fathers, sons, brothers,
daughters, sisters…all killed in the name of peace. The hundreds of nameless people I have murdered.
//With all the things that you could be//
I know that he could do whatever he
really wants to do. There's no doubt
that his potential is quite above average.
Yet I feel compelled to ask why his choice was the path of
destruction. How can someone choose to
fight in order to live?
//Never could learn how to be me//
She tries
to understand me, but there's nothing to understand. I am just an empty shell of a human. The only thing I live for is the battlefield in all its
glory.
I finally
arrive at my destination. It seems my
legs have a mind of their own sometimes.
They carried me to the only thing that understands me, because it was
built for the same reason I live.
Leaning on the gundanium, I stare out at the world passing by. Normal people. People who could never understand what I do. All I can do is stare at the sky and wait
for the next mission to come rolling along my way. Then I will get into the cockpit that has become my home and
serve my purpose.
//And now you want to ask me how
How does your heart beat,
Why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat.
Why do you breathe?//
