Life...
By: Shinigami Maxwell
~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and all of it's characters are not mine, and belong to their respective owners.
Warnings: , Angst, Death, Suicide, Duo-torture, Gore, Masochism (spelling anyone?), Shounen Ai(1x2), and some slight Relena bashing.
Author's Note: As you can tell, I was not in the best of moods. This fic is not made to make suicide seem cool, by any means. If you are depressed and feel like our Duo here, please get help. I know what it's like to be down that road, and I speak from experience. I know it's hard to get help for things like this. I wouldn't have, except I was caught. But it gets better. Someone very close to me once said, "There's always something to live for. No matter what, remember, there is always something to live for." Surprisingly enough, this is my first finished fic. And believe me, I never figured I'd write something like this, much less have it be my first finished fic. This happens shortly after the war. Endless Waltz does not exist. So here it is...
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(Duo)
It's silent. I hear only my heartbeat and the sound of air as it enters and leaves my body, sustaining it for a while longer. Life. What is it? What's so important here...that I should stay? I have done so much. So much that can never be forgiven, by 'god', by anyone. I can't live with it any longer. There's no point. All those people...All dead. Sister Helen...Father Maxwell...the orphanage. Would it hurt if I joined them? I am not needed anymore. The war is over. Life...is...nothing. They'll all be leaving soon. I know Quatre would want me to stay at his place but I couldn't. I'd just be in the way of him and Trowa. And Wu Fei is off to the Preventers. And Heero. My Heero. He goes back to his princess. I guess it's better this way. He doesn't have to know....how much I love him... "Life comes cheap, especially mine." I heard it. I heard those words escape from his lips. And I finally knew. I had to go. As I walk through these dark woods. Toward my end. I didn't want the others to come. To try and understand how I felt. No one understands. They can't help me. No one can. For my world is one of Darkness. Where light is shunned and goodness smothered. Don't try to save me. I'm happy where I am. My world. My darkness.(1) And now, my Death. Finally I reached the pond. It was small and nothing lived in it, in this little clearing in the woods. So far from the safe-house. No one would hear. No one would hear if I scream. No one would come out and try and stop me. I take out the knife I brought. It's not mine, but I'm sure Heero wouldn't mind if I borrowed it. I just need it for a bit. It's a pretty thing, a silver plated blade, with a black handle. More for show then anything. But, now, it would do. It would serve its purpose. Finding a place by the water, I sit and for a while just think. Remember. Remember what it was like to be loved, to have a place to call home. The war is over, I know. But, one more life. It wouldn't matter. I play with the knife, turning it over and over and finally bringing it to my wrist. Turning it on the flat side of the blade, I rub it against my skin. Feeling how its coldness numbed my flesh. Sliding back it down, back to where the vein rested, I turned the blade, piercing the skin with little difficulty. The pain. I loved it. I slowly glide the knife up my forearm, still drowning in how much it hurt, and how much I loved it. The blood seeped out, a red flow, slowly making it's way down my arm. So beautiful. I watched, only for a moment, as my life force flowed from me, dripping to the forest floor. I turned my attention to my other wrist, still intact. I consider for a little bit. It's not too late...but no. I don't belong here. Without a second thought I sliced through the delicate skin and through the flesh. It was agonizing. It's a wonder I never knew I was a masochist until now. But it didn't matter. Not anymore. Hmm. What if...I licked some of the blood as it slipped down my arm. Different, yes. But it was good. Such a beautiful color, no? A nice deep red. We humans are so frail. So easily killed. It's getting dark. My vision is failing. I'll be gone soon. I know the others will mourn me. But this is not my place. I don't deserve to be here. But soon, so soon...With one last farewell to the others, I turned my back on the world, on life. And embraced Death...
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(Heero)
Why did it have to be me? I was worried. But, god, I didn't want to be there. Looking down at that pale face. All that blood. Everywhere. Even on those beautiful lips. I knew he was gone. I felt it, when I was back at the house. And I ran, to where I did not know, with a feeling in my heart. One of dread and regret and something else. And I found myself here. Here in this clearing. The light of the full moon reflecting off the surface of the water, it was so still. Like him. Like my Duo. I was afraid to move. A spell had been cast upon this clearing. So still. So silent. The pale face of the only one I loved, lying there. The whiteness of his skin, a stark contrast to the surrounding darkness. I felt my chest constrict. I heard someone saying something. So far away. "Why?" It whispered. "Why now? It's over. No more suffering. Why Duo, my love. Why?" Me. It was me. No, this couldn't be true. I heard the others coming, but I didn't care. I moved over to my love's side. I see the knife...my knife. The one I kept. The one that Odin had given to me so long ago, right before he left. Before he died. I don't notice until much later, that it was raining. The droplets of water hitting that beautiful, pale, lifeless face, before sliding to the forest floor. I felt the tears then. As they streamed down my face. Warm. Like that body had been once. Maybe, maybe if I had told him. But it was too late. Much too late. "I never told you...my Duo...I love you..." My voice again. How pathetic. The others arrived, finally. They were as shocked as I was. Perhaps more so then I. But it's unlikely. I don't know however. My eyes never left the body. The body which was once so happy, so alive. Those eyes. They were rare and breathtaking. Never, ever, to open again. "No..." A whisper. Quatre. I could tell without looking that he was crying. Oh, my angel why did you have to leave us? I wanted to see the other's faces. To know whether or not this was real. But I couldn't take my eyes off his form. I was soaked from the rain, but it didn't matter. No. Not anymore...
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(Heero)
We buried him in that clearing. Many people came. Even Relena and Dorothy. But I think Relena came to see me. She never cared for Duo. Barely ever acknowledged him. She just came so maybe, just maybe, I would like her. But she just made me sick. That bitch. How could she? She wasn't even wearing black or mourning like we were. I don't think she even noticed it was Duo's funeral. Dorothy, on the other hand. She was crying. She hadn't done so when her own grandfather died, or so I heard. It touched me that even she cared. Cared that my angel, my love, was dead. The others. They all came. Even the doctors. They weren't all that bad. I could see that they truly regretted dragging us into the war. But it was our choice. And now Duo was dead. I waited until the others left. I took out my knife. The one that had ended his life. Looking at it I consider for a while. I played with it for a while. No. I wouldn't kill myself. I would live on. For him, if for nothing else. And do all the things that he could have done had he been alive. And someday we would meet again. And I would tell him, exactly how much I loved him. My angel...
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(1): I once said this to a friend, of course instead of 'they can't help me' it was 'you can't hlep me', after which he threatened to hit me. I wasn't myself at the time. ::shrugs:: Well I hope you liked it, but even if you hated it I wanna hear from you. k? Cool. Ja na!
By: Shinigami Maxwell
~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and all of it's characters are not mine, and belong to their respective owners.
Warnings: , Angst, Death, Suicide, Duo-torture, Gore, Masochism (spelling anyone?), Shounen Ai(1x2), and some slight Relena bashing.
Author's Note: As you can tell, I was not in the best of moods. This fic is not made to make suicide seem cool, by any means. If you are depressed and feel like our Duo here, please get help. I know what it's like to be down that road, and I speak from experience. I know it's hard to get help for things like this. I wouldn't have, except I was caught. But it gets better. Someone very close to me once said, "There's always something to live for. No matter what, remember, there is always something to live for." Surprisingly enough, this is my first finished fic. And believe me, I never figured I'd write something like this, much less have it be my first finished fic. This happens shortly after the war. Endless Waltz does not exist. So here it is...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Duo)
It's silent. I hear only my heartbeat and the sound of air as it enters and leaves my body, sustaining it for a while longer. Life. What is it? What's so important here...that I should stay? I have done so much. So much that can never be forgiven, by 'god', by anyone. I can't live with it any longer. There's no point. All those people...All dead. Sister Helen...Father Maxwell...the orphanage. Would it hurt if I joined them? I am not needed anymore. The war is over. Life...is...nothing. They'll all be leaving soon. I know Quatre would want me to stay at his place but I couldn't. I'd just be in the way of him and Trowa. And Wu Fei is off to the Preventers. And Heero. My Heero. He goes back to his princess. I guess it's better this way. He doesn't have to know....how much I love him... "Life comes cheap, especially mine." I heard it. I heard those words escape from his lips. And I finally knew. I had to go. As I walk through these dark woods. Toward my end. I didn't want the others to come. To try and understand how I felt. No one understands. They can't help me. No one can. For my world is one of Darkness. Where light is shunned and goodness smothered. Don't try to save me. I'm happy where I am. My world. My darkness.(1) And now, my Death. Finally I reached the pond. It was small and nothing lived in it, in this little clearing in the woods. So far from the safe-house. No one would hear. No one would hear if I scream. No one would come out and try and stop me. I take out the knife I brought. It's not mine, but I'm sure Heero wouldn't mind if I borrowed it. I just need it for a bit. It's a pretty thing, a silver plated blade, with a black handle. More for show then anything. But, now, it would do. It would serve its purpose. Finding a place by the water, I sit and for a while just think. Remember. Remember what it was like to be loved, to have a place to call home. The war is over, I know. But, one more life. It wouldn't matter. I play with the knife, turning it over and over and finally bringing it to my wrist. Turning it on the flat side of the blade, I rub it against my skin. Feeling how its coldness numbed my flesh. Sliding back it down, back to where the vein rested, I turned the blade, piercing the skin with little difficulty. The pain. I loved it. I slowly glide the knife up my forearm, still drowning in how much it hurt, and how much I loved it. The blood seeped out, a red flow, slowly making it's way down my arm. So beautiful. I watched, only for a moment, as my life force flowed from me, dripping to the forest floor. I turned my attention to my other wrist, still intact. I consider for a little bit. It's not too late...but no. I don't belong here. Without a second thought I sliced through the delicate skin and through the flesh. It was agonizing. It's a wonder I never knew I was a masochist until now. But it didn't matter. Not anymore. Hmm. What if...I licked some of the blood as it slipped down my arm. Different, yes. But it was good. Such a beautiful color, no? A nice deep red. We humans are so frail. So easily killed. It's getting dark. My vision is failing. I'll be gone soon. I know the others will mourn me. But this is not my place. I don't deserve to be here. But soon, so soon...With one last farewell to the others, I turned my back on the world, on life. And embraced Death...
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(Heero)
Why did it have to be me? I was worried. But, god, I didn't want to be there. Looking down at that pale face. All that blood. Everywhere. Even on those beautiful lips. I knew he was gone. I felt it, when I was back at the house. And I ran, to where I did not know, with a feeling in my heart. One of dread and regret and something else. And I found myself here. Here in this clearing. The light of the full moon reflecting off the surface of the water, it was so still. Like him. Like my Duo. I was afraid to move. A spell had been cast upon this clearing. So still. So silent. The pale face of the only one I loved, lying there. The whiteness of his skin, a stark contrast to the surrounding darkness. I felt my chest constrict. I heard someone saying something. So far away. "Why?" It whispered. "Why now? It's over. No more suffering. Why Duo, my love. Why?" Me. It was me. No, this couldn't be true. I heard the others coming, but I didn't care. I moved over to my love's side. I see the knife...my knife. The one I kept. The one that Odin had given to me so long ago, right before he left. Before he died. I don't notice until much later, that it was raining. The droplets of water hitting that beautiful, pale, lifeless face, before sliding to the forest floor. I felt the tears then. As they streamed down my face. Warm. Like that body had been once. Maybe, maybe if I had told him. But it was too late. Much too late. "I never told you...my Duo...I love you..." My voice again. How pathetic. The others arrived, finally. They were as shocked as I was. Perhaps more so then I. But it's unlikely. I don't know however. My eyes never left the body. The body which was once so happy, so alive. Those eyes. They were rare and breathtaking. Never, ever, to open again. "No..." A whisper. Quatre. I could tell without looking that he was crying. Oh, my angel why did you have to leave us? I wanted to see the other's faces. To know whether or not this was real. But I couldn't take my eyes off his form. I was soaked from the rain, but it didn't matter. No. Not anymore...
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(Heero)
We buried him in that clearing. Many people came. Even Relena and Dorothy. But I think Relena came to see me. She never cared for Duo. Barely ever acknowledged him. She just came so maybe, just maybe, I would like her. But she just made me sick. That bitch. How could she? She wasn't even wearing black or mourning like we were. I don't think she even noticed it was Duo's funeral. Dorothy, on the other hand. She was crying. She hadn't done so when her own grandfather died, or so I heard. It touched me that even she cared. Cared that my angel, my love, was dead. The others. They all came. Even the doctors. They weren't all that bad. I could see that they truly regretted dragging us into the war. But it was our choice. And now Duo was dead. I waited until the others left. I took out my knife. The one that had ended his life. Looking at it I consider for a while. I played with it for a while. No. I wouldn't kill myself. I would live on. For him, if for nothing else. And do all the things that he could have done had he been alive. And someday we would meet again. And I would tell him, exactly how much I loved him. My angel...
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(1): I once said this to a friend, of course instead of 'they can't help me' it was 'you can't hlep me', after which he threatened to hit me. I wasn't myself at the time. ::shrugs:: Well I hope you liked it, but even if you hated it I wanna hear from you. k? Cool. Ja na!