Title: Flinch 1/1
Author: Starla (throwmywalrus@b...) or (fuzzylittlepackrat@h...)
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
Summary: Buffy meets Riley's parents. It doesn't go too well. Not heavy on
plot.
AN: I'm well aware that the title makes no sense. Buffy starts in 2 minutes.
Feedback: Yes please!
***
How did I get to be sitting here?
On my left, Riley leans against the back of my cosy, comfy couch, alternating
between smiling adoringly at me and grinning at the people who sit around the
room.
The people who showed up, unexpected.
Uninvited.
I try not to bristle at the intrusion; this is Riley's family, therefore, by
default, they should be my family... I mean, he...and I .... well, we're...
Not gonna go down that road, where hard thoughts lie, waiting to beat me over
the head with doubt and insecurity and a wistful longing for the past.
Riley's mother is talking to me. I should probably listen, huh? I mean, this
woman holds more influence over Riley than anyone. I should care what she has
to say. I should care what she thinks of me...and I do. I really, really, do.
I'm just not sure why.
Is it because she's important to Riley...or because that's what a normal girl
would want? That is what a normal girl would want, right? Sometimes I forget...
I'll have to ask Willow. Not that she's exactly normal, but she seems way more
up on these things than me.
"So, dear - Buffy - my Riley talks about you all the time."
A ball of nervousness tightens in my gut, and the smile on my face feels
clownish...but not one of those cute 'I've been swimming through a rainbow
stream, care to join me?' clowns, more like Pennywise, from It, or Bozo.
Yeah, Bozo freaks me out.
"I - " I pause, unsure how to continue. It's not as if I've ever really done
this before. I'd known Tyler's parents since I was a kid, and Pike was pretty
much a runaway, and Angel -
Well, it seemed like a lot of trouble to raise them from the dead just so I
could say 'Hi, I fucked the soul out of your son. Care for some tea?'.
I don't mean to sound that way about Angel and I, I really don't. I mean, he's
a part of me, and as much as it hurt, there were some really, truly, beautiful
moments...but in the months...god, more than a year now...since he's been gone,
cold bitterness has been crawling it's way up my body, choking me and changing
me and making me wish for things that could never be... making me wish it could
all just stop.
God, I can't afford to go off on an Angel tangent now. If I do it again, let me
know, k?
Oh, right. You'll stop me. Suuuure. You know you love this.
Damn sadists.
I smile warmly at Riley's mother. "Well, according to my friends, the amount I
talk about him is kinda scary, so I guess we're even."
I feel Riley chuckle against my side, and feel sick because it's not true.
After the initial 'oooh, look, shiny, new!' glow faded from our relationship, I
stopped talking about him so much. I mean, I do, I just...
I used to spend hours with Willow discussing every touch, every word, every
*look* that passed between Angel and I, and I just don't feel the compulsion to
do that with Riley. Not that we don't have great conversations. We do. Really.
Just the other day, he told me about the goldfish he had when he was a kid, so
there.
Riley's mother is not at all what I expected. She seems younger than she
is...funkier, somehow. In a good way, not an
oh-my-god-that-girl-is-turning-into-a-pigeon way. She just seems...fresh.
Happy, and hip. For an older woman, anyway. Bit like my mum would be, if it
weren't for the divorce thing and the slayer thing and that black and gold vest
she insists on wearing even thought that look is *so* over...
She has Riley's eyes, or he has hers - //chicken or the egg?// - and she's
tall, with reddish hair which I suspect to be dyed. It's that purplish-maroon
shade that *never* happens in real life, but it doesn't matter. It's cut
elegantly. She looks nice.
Riley's father is *exactly* what I expected - // Old MacDonald had a farm, eee
aye eee aye oh...// - which is not entirely a good thing. He scares me a
little... he seems very traditional, and I'm...well, I'm not. At all. Not even
a teensy bit.
Never the less, he has a kind smile, and the skin around his eyes crinkles when
he grins. And when we were making tea and coffee together, earlier, I caught
him singing 'Doo Wah Diddy' under his breath, so I've softened to him.
Mrs. Finn laughs, "Well, we always love to welcome obsessive young women into
the family."
"Riley bring home lots of freaky chicks?" I ask good naturedly.
"Riley? No. But Ryan tends to have a rather ... exotic... taste in
girlfriends."
I glance at Ryan, Riley's brother, who is blushing furiously. I smile at him
understandingly, and then grin at Riley, "We should introduce him to Anya."
"I'm sure Xander would be *so* pleased," Riley says with a roll of his eyes.
I giggle, "We'll distract him with a twinkie."
Not that I'd really do that...as weird as it is, Anya and Xander fit in that
way that makes me smile and laugh and feel all light headed for them. Vicarious
belonging, or something, I suppose.
Riley and I don't fit like that, not really. I mean, we do, but we're
not...seamless.
Angel and I were seamless. We had a couple tears, rips in odd places, but they
were mutual rips. One entity sorta deal.
God, I gotta stop thinking about Angel.
I mean it, damnit! I can't keep doing this to myself, or to Riley. Angel is
gone. Riley is here. I sleep with Riley every night, while Angel lies alone in
bed all day...
Or, at least, I hope he's alone.
Oh, god, what if he's not alone?
Images of some phantom woman wrapped around him slip into my mind, and I can
hear their voices even through my internal screaming...
//Touch me, Angel...//
//Always...//
//Love you, babe.//
//I love you. Forever.//
Flashes of rage and hate and jealousy simmer in my gut, and I can feel my jaw
clenching, and my nails digging into my palms. If I'm not careful, I'll draw
blood.
How dare she! How dare *he*? He said he loved me, and then he just goes off and
sleeps with some whore...who I made up...
Oh, shut up. I am *not* still in love with him. Not even. It's just... residual
possessiveness. Yep.
Whatever.
I grin at Ryan. "Oh, well, I suppose Anya's off the menu, but I'm sure we'll be
able to find you a good old-fashioned Sunnydale super freak. There's lots of
them here. I'm pretty sure it's the weather. Makes people all crazy."
Weather, hellmouth, same thing.
Ryan laughs nervously, "Ah, don't worry about it. I've got a - there's sort of
a -..."
"You've got a honey back home?" I say, well aware that I'm just diverting the
attention away from myself.
"Kind of. Maybe. I don't know."
"How decisive of you, bro," Riley notes dryly, and Ryan glares at him.
"Not all of us mate for life, man," Ryan shoots back, looking darkly at his
hands, and I blush furiously.
"... Life?" I feel my hand trembling a little, and my voice is a bit weak.
"Life. That's a...Well, lifetime."
"Don't worry, sweetheart," Riley's mother is saying kindly. "First love is
always a little scary."
"First..." My throat goes dry.
Riley's not my first love...
-//My life, my love, don't go away, don't turn away, don't leave me here, where
are you going? Come back! Come back! Angel! I'm not...I'm all alone, it's dark
here, it's cold, so cold, I love you, I love you, I love you...Let me love
you... Let me love you!//-
"Not my first," I whisper, so quietly that I'm not sure I even hear
myself...but everyone else seems to.
Riley certainly does.
His eyes darken. "Do we have to bring *him* up?"
-//You can't make me go away just because you say it's over!//-
"I just - " I stop, and look at my hands, "Sorry. Never mind. First love. Sure.
Never existed before Riley came along."
"That's not what I-" he starts, but I turn furious eyes on him, feeling this
strange anger bubbling up and out and through my veins, my eyes, my words, my
hands. I feel the Slayer jump to attention in me, deadly, angry, scared.
"Isn't it?" I ask, my voice low and harsh, "Isn't that what you want? Some
pretty little girl that exists only for you and never knew the world existed
til you swept in on your mighty stallion and showed it to her?"
"Buffy - " My mother starts, and stops abruptly. Honestly, I'd forgotten she
was there.
"Don't, Mom, I know your opinion. Angel was nothing, is nothing, means nothing!
I never loved him, and everything I felt, everything that passed between us was
part of some rebellious teenage PHASE!"
Hooo, boy, I have the feeling I've been holding all this in for months.
Bottlers should come with a warning label: May explode at unfortunate and
inappropriate moments. Please keep possible future in-laws out of hearing
range.
I'll have to write a letter of complaint to the manufacturer.
"Sweetheart, you know that's not - "
"Then why didn't he ever get this, huh? Why didn't you ask *him* around for tea
and cookies, not that he needs to eat, but hey, maybe then he would have felt
like part of the FAMILY instead of like my DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!"
I don't mean to be yelling. Can't seem to help myself.
"Buffy, stop yelling at your mother, she-"
"Who do you want me to yell at, Riley? You? Xander? All the rest of the fucking
world who made us feel *guilty* just for LOVING one another?? Yeah, that's a
crime. We're real awful people, caring about each other like that. We should be
put in jail. Or, hey! Maybe you can turn us in to your old Initiative buddies,
so they can do experiments on us and find out the source of our FILTHY EVIL!"
I fall to the floor, exhausted suddenly, not knowing where any of this came
from...for a few moments, there, I hated the world... I just wanted it all
gone.
Just me and Angel and a nice void of nothingness.
I let my head fall against my knee, and press my hands against the carpet.
"You don't understand," I whisper, spent, "and you don't even want to."
Everyone is staring at me, I know they are.
Do I care?
Hmm. I'll decide later how mortified I should be. Right now, all I know is that
I need... I need a fix. An Angel fix...I need to be wrapped up in his coolness
and his warmth and his lips and his love... I need to be cocooned in our
bond... I just need *him*.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, standing with as much dignity as I can muster, "I
didn't mean to... I'm sorry."
With that, I turn, and walk out the door...get into my new car, a present from
my never-present father.
And then I drive away home.
-//drive away, drive away, drive away home//-
***
Angel folds me into his arms the second I walk through the doors of the big
hotel. I'm surprised, but then, again, not. He always knows what I need.
I bury my face in his familiar chest, feel the slide of silk against my cheek,
and start to cry again, clutching at him, whispering incoherent words and
phrases of love.
He kisses the crown of my head, resting his cheek in my hair and running his
hands down my back. I can feel his love radiating through me.
When I start to feel my usual slightly-sane self, I lift my eyes to his and
swallow.
"Normal sucks."
*Fin*