An office. Buffy is standing behind a counter. A sign on the counter reads
"MARRIAGE REGISTRY OFFICE." Faith comes in, and walks up to the counter.
FAITH: Excuse me, I want to get married.
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already married, ma'am.
FAITH: No, no, I just want to get married.
BUFFY: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.
FAITH: No, that wouldn't be necessary, because ...
BUFFY:You see, would you come to my place, or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
FAITH: No, no, I want to get married here.
BUFFY: Oh, dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
Faith is getting impatient.
FAITH: Look, I just want you to marry me ... to ...
BUFFY: I want to marry you to, ma'am, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
FAITH: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
BUFFY: Suits me, ma'am. Suits me.
FAITH: I don't want to marry you!
Buffy looks disappointed.
BUFFY: There is such a thing as breach of promise, ma'am.
FAITH: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.
BUFFY: I will marry you, ma'am, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.
FAITH: I'm sorry, but ...
BUFFY: That's all right, ma'am. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.
FAITH: Look, I'm already engaged.
BUFFY: (thoughtfully) Yes, and I'm already married. Still, we'll get round it.
Buffy smiles at Faith reassuringly. Faith just looks irritated.
Willow walks in, and goes up to the counter.
WILLOW: Good morning. I want to get married.
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this woman, ma'am. (points at Faith)
WILLOW: Well, can I get married after her?
BUFFY: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, ma'am. Still, if you're keen.
Tara enters, and walks up to the counter.
TARA: I want to get married, please.
BUFFY: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it? Alright, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, ma'am. (points at Faith and Willow)
TARA: What, those two getting married?
Suddenly, Tara recognizes Willow.
TARA: Willow! What are you doing marrying her?
BUFFY: She's marrying me first, ma'am.
TARA: She's engaged to me!
Cordelia walks in and approaches the counter.
CORDELIA: Come on, Buffy.
BUFFY: Oh, no! It's my husband!
WILLOW: (to Cordelia) Will you marry me?
CORDELIA: I'm already married.
***
Cut to a shot of Buffy, Faith, Willow, Tara and Cordelia standing outside the one house, smiling happily.
GILES: (v.o.) Well, things turned out alright in the end, but you mustn't ask how, 'cause it's naughty, and there might be kiddies reading this. They're all married, and living quite well in a nice house in Sunnydale, California.
***
Cut to another office. Wesley is standing behind the counter. A sign on the counter reads "A DIFFERENT MARRIAGE REGISTRY OFFICE." Buffy walks into the office. Riley is on one side of her, and Xander is on the other side. She is holding both of them by the elbow as she leads them up to the counter with her.
BUFFY: Good morning.
WESLEY: Good morning.
BUFFY: Are you the registrar?
WESLEY: I have that function.
BUFFY: I was here on Saturday, getting married to this man, (points at Riley) and I'd like to change, please. I'd like to have this man instead. (points at Xander)
WESLEY: What do you mean?
BUFFY: Well, the first one wasn't any good (points at Riley again), so I'd like to swap it for this new one. (points at Xander again) I have paid. I paid on Saturday. Here's the ticket.
Buffy hands Wesley her marriage licence.
WESLEY: Uh, no. That was when you were married.
BUFFY: Yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. He's too cardboard-y and dull. This is the one I want to have, (points at Xander) so if you could just change the forms round, I can take this one back with me now.
WESLEY: I can't do that.
BUFFY: Look, make it simpler, I'll pay again.
WESLEY: No, you can't do that.
BUFFY: Look, all I want you to do is change the husband, say the words, blah, blah, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
WESLEY: I'm sorry madam, but we're not allowed to change.
BUFFY: You can at K-Mart.
WESLEY: You can't!
BUFFY: You can! I changed my CD player and there wasn't a grumble.
WESLEY: It's different.
BUFFY: And I changed my hooded sweatshirt, and I changed my pink leather pants.
WESLEY: Well, you can't change a bloody husband!
BUFFY: Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend?
WESLEY: No!
BUFFY: Oh, come on! I only wanted a jolly good -
Suddenly, Professor Walsh appears.
WALSH: Right, stop that, stop that! It's filthy. That's it! That's the end! Stop the sketch! Stop it!
FAITH: Excuse me, I want to get married.
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already married, ma'am.
FAITH: No, no, I just want to get married.
BUFFY: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.
FAITH: No, that wouldn't be necessary, because ...
BUFFY:You see, would you come to my place, or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
FAITH: No, no, I want to get married here.
BUFFY: Oh, dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
Faith is getting impatient.
FAITH: Look, I just want you to marry me ... to ...
BUFFY: I want to marry you to, ma'am, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
FAITH: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
BUFFY: Suits me, ma'am. Suits me.
FAITH: I don't want to marry you!
Buffy looks disappointed.
BUFFY: There is such a thing as breach of promise, ma'am.
FAITH: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.
BUFFY: I will marry you, ma'am, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.
FAITH: I'm sorry, but ...
BUFFY: That's all right, ma'am. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.
FAITH: Look, I'm already engaged.
BUFFY: (thoughtfully) Yes, and I'm already married. Still, we'll get round it.
Buffy smiles at Faith reassuringly. Faith just looks irritated.
Willow walks in, and goes up to the counter.
WILLOW: Good morning. I want to get married.
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this woman, ma'am. (points at Faith)
WILLOW: Well, can I get married after her?
BUFFY: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, ma'am. Still, if you're keen.
Tara enters, and walks up to the counter.
TARA: I want to get married, please.
BUFFY: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it? Alright, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, ma'am. (points at Faith and Willow)
TARA: What, those two getting married?
Suddenly, Tara recognizes Willow.
TARA: Willow! What are you doing marrying her?
BUFFY: She's marrying me first, ma'am.
TARA: She's engaged to me!
Cordelia walks in and approaches the counter.
CORDELIA: Come on, Buffy.
BUFFY: Oh, no! It's my husband!
WILLOW: (to Cordelia) Will you marry me?
CORDELIA: I'm already married.
***
Cut to a shot of Buffy, Faith, Willow, Tara and Cordelia standing outside the one house, smiling happily.
GILES: (v.o.) Well, things turned out alright in the end, but you mustn't ask how, 'cause it's naughty, and there might be kiddies reading this. They're all married, and living quite well in a nice house in Sunnydale, California.
***
Cut to another office. Wesley is standing behind the counter. A sign on the counter reads "A DIFFERENT MARRIAGE REGISTRY OFFICE." Buffy walks into the office. Riley is on one side of her, and Xander is on the other side. She is holding both of them by the elbow as she leads them up to the counter with her.
BUFFY: Good morning.
WESLEY: Good morning.
BUFFY: Are you the registrar?
WESLEY: I have that function.
BUFFY: I was here on Saturday, getting married to this man, (points at Riley) and I'd like to change, please. I'd like to have this man instead. (points at Xander)
WESLEY: What do you mean?
BUFFY: Well, the first one wasn't any good (points at Riley again), so I'd like to swap it for this new one. (points at Xander again) I have paid. I paid on Saturday. Here's the ticket.
Buffy hands Wesley her marriage licence.
WESLEY: Uh, no. That was when you were married.
BUFFY: Yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. He's too cardboard-y and dull. This is the one I want to have, (points at Xander) so if you could just change the forms round, I can take this one back with me now.
WESLEY: I can't do that.
BUFFY: Look, make it simpler, I'll pay again.
WESLEY: No, you can't do that.
BUFFY: Look, all I want you to do is change the husband, say the words, blah, blah, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
WESLEY: I'm sorry madam, but we're not allowed to change.
BUFFY: You can at K-Mart.
WESLEY: You can't!
BUFFY: You can! I changed my CD player and there wasn't a grumble.
WESLEY: It's different.
BUFFY: And I changed my hooded sweatshirt, and I changed my pink leather pants.
WESLEY: Well, you can't change a bloody husband!
BUFFY: Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend?
WESLEY: No!
BUFFY: Oh, come on! I only wanted a jolly good -
Suddenly, Professor Walsh appears.
WALSH: Right, stop that, stop that! It's filthy. That's it! That's the end! Stop the sketch! Stop it!