Cut to Buffy's darkened bedroom at night. Buffy and Riley are lying in bed, beside each other, on their backs, asleep. Suddenly, Buffy's window slowly and softly opens, and Xander climbs in. Once in, he quietly creeps over to Buffy's side of the bed and kneels down next to her sleeping form.
XANDER: (whispering) Buffy!
Buffy doesn't stir..
XANDER: (whispering louder) Buffy! Wake up!
When Buffy still doesn't stir, Xander bends down, and plants a kiss on her forehead. This finally rouses her, and she opens her eyes to see Xander smiling down at her. She smiles dreamily up at him.
BUFFY: (softly) Xander ...
Suddenly, Buffy remembers where she is, and she sits up in bed with a start.
BUFFY: (louder) Xander! What are you doing here?
XANDER: I just can't stay away from you any longer, Buffy. I know Anya and I are engaged, but I'm in love with you, and I can't deny it any longer. I have to be near you all the time.
BUFFY: Xander, I love you too, but this is so not the time. Riley's right here, and if he wakes up -
XANDER: What's the big deal? Let him wake up!
Before Buffy can react, Xander reaches over her body and lightly slaps Riley on the side of the face a couple of times. Buffy starts to panic.
BUFFY: (desperately) Xander, no, don't!
She grabs Xander's arm and pushes it away from Riley and back over her body, back down to Xander's side. Fortunately, Riley hasn't been disturbed, and is still asleep beside her.
BUFFY: Are you crazy? If he wakes up and sees you sneaking into my room in the middle of the night, he's liable to ... well, I don't know what he's liable to do! I've only just realized my feelings for you, but now I don't know how I feel about Riley anymore! It's all really confusing now, and very inconvenient for me!
XANDER: Don't talk to me about inconvenience, Buffy! My love for you is consuming my mind, and I can't get you out of my head. My desire for you is making me absolutely delirious, and I know I can't let you out of my sight again. Not now, after being able to see you in this sweet moonlight. Buffy, I love you, I adore you, I worship you, and I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. Please, Buffy, tell me you feel the same way too?
Stunned by Xander's declaration of devotion and love, Buffy can only sit perfectly frozen, her mouth wide open. Suddenly, the two of them throw themselves at each other, and start kissing passionately.
XANDER: Oh, Buffy ...
BUFFY: Oh, Xander ...
RILEY: Oh, Buffy?
Buffy and Xander quickly disentangle themselves from each other at the sound of Riley's voice. Xander ducks behind Buffy, hiding as best he can, lying down on the floor beside the bed. Beside Buffy, Riley is awake and sitting upright in the bed, facing straight ahead of him, though his eyes are still shut. Buffy lets out a deep breath and tries to act natural.
BUFFY: What's wrong, Riley?
Riley is silent for a moment, seemingly thinking to himself, still with his eyes shut.
RILEY: Thought I heard something.
BUFFY: Oh? Uh ... oh, yeah, someone just drove past on a ... on a motorcycle. It woke me too. Go back to sleep, honey.
RILEY: Sure, okay, Buffy.
Riley immediately lays back down and falls asleep again. Buffy and Xander simultaneously let out a sigh of relief as Xander hops back up and kneels beside Buffy once more.
BUFFY: Phew ... that was a close one.
She turns back to Xander, and looks at him with an expression of desperation on her face.
BUFFY: Xander, you need to leave NOW!
XANDER: But Buffy -
BUFFY: No buts! I want to be with you too, but it's not that simple, and this isn't the place or the time. Please go. I'll talk to you in the morning.
Xander sits silently for a moment, looking down at the floor, deep in thought. Finally, he looks back up at Buffy.
XANDER: Alright, Buffy, I'll do what you want. I'll always do what you want me to do. You know that.
Buffy smiles at him.
BUFFY: I know. Goodnight, Xand.
Xander smiles back.
XANDER: Goodnight, Buff. Kiss before I go?
Her smile growing even wider, Buffy moves closer to Xander. Just before their lips touch, however, they notice a tall figure standing right behind Xander. They both look up, and their hearts sink and their smiles fade when they see who is standing before them.
ANGEL: Buffy! What the hell are you doing?
BUFFY: Angel?
ANGEL: What's the meaning of this?
BUFFY: Oh, I can explain everything! You see, I was just lying here, sleeping, and Xander came in through the window, and - wait. How did you get in here?
ANGEL: Through the window.
XANDER: Buffy, you don't need to explain yourself to him anymore.
Buffy looks at Xander.
BUFFY: I know, Xander, but Angel and I have so much history. He deserves to know the truth.
ANGEL: The truth? What truth?
Buffy reluctantly looks back up at Angel.
BUFFY: Angel ... Xander and I are in love.
Had it been possible, the colour would have drained from Angel's face.
ANGEL: WHAT? You're in love ... with HIM?!
Well and truly angered, Xander gets to his feet and confronts Angel, getting right in the vampire's face.
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy! Seems our Slayer's developed a thing for guys with pulses. Hard to believe, isn't it? First Willow turns to lesbianism, and now this. So you can just run along. There's nothing between you and Buffy anymore. We're in love, and we're happy.
Angel ignores Xander, and continues to look at Buffy.
BUFFY: He's right, Angel. Xander and I love each other, and we're going to be together. Well, that is, after I break up with Riley. It wouldn't be fair to keep stringing him along like this. I'll have to break up with him tomorrow morning.
ANGEL: How could you do this to me, Buffy? After all we've been through, how could you do it? First off, you jump into the sack with Captain Cardboard over there, and now you take up with this Zeppo.
BUFFY: (quietly, and forcefully) Don't you say things like that about Xander ever again. Get over yourself! We had something once, but it's over. (her voice starts growing louder) So you can just run off back to L.A. and forget about me, and stop acting like you own my life!
XANDER: (impressed) Go for it, Buff! You tell him what for.
Buffy smiles at Xander, and Xander smiles back. Suddenly, Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, his eyes still shut, exactly like before. Xander and Angel both look for somewhere to hide, and Buffy tenses up again.
RILEY: Buffy!
BUFFY: What is it, Riley?
RILEY: I'm sure I heard something that time. What's happening?
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... it's just a twig brushing against the window.
RILEY: Oh. Okay.
Riley lays back down and goes to sleep. Buffy, Xander and Angel relax.
ANGEL: Buffy, I want you back. My life's been hell without you. Come back to L.A. with me. I found out I'm going to become human again. I don't know how, but apparently, it's going to happen. I want you to be there when it does. Please, come back with me.
BUFFY: Don't you get it, Angel? We're through. You had your shot, and you blew it. Now get out of here. It's bad enough Xander being here with Riley asleep right next to me, but you being here as well is the last thing I need. Go!
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy. You're yesterday's news. Now beat it!
BUFFY: (apologetically) Xander, you have to go too.
XANDER: I know. But it's just so hard to do. I don't want us to be apart for another second.
ANGEL: And I'm not going either, Buffy. Not without you.
XANDER: Pay attention, Deadboy. She loves me now, not you.
ANGEL: Don't try and stand between me and my soulmate, Harris, you little geek!
XANDER: Oh, you are SO gonna pay for that, Deadboy!
Xander and Angel stare each other down menacingly.
BUFFY: Both of you, stop it! You guys are gonna get me in trouble!
Neither of them hearing what Buffy is saying, Xander and Angel look as if they are about to come to blows. Before they get the chance, a familiar British voice is heard.
SPIKE: What the bloody hell's going on here?
BUFFY, XANDER & ANGEL: (in unsion) Oh, no.
Buffy groans, realizing the situation has spun completely out of her control.
BUFFY: Spike, what are you doing here?
SPIKE: I came for you, Buffy.
BUFFY: What?!
ANGEL: Huh?
XANDER: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
BUFFY: Oh, not again, Spike, please!
SPIKE: I can't help it! I can't get you out of my bloody head, Slayer! You're all I think about. I can't take it anymore. So I came to take you away with me. We can never make it work in this miserable excuse for a town. So we have to get out of here, right now. I love you, and that's all that matters.
XANDER: That's it, I've had it! Buffy, you gotta tell these guys to leave us alone. This is just getting too crazy.
BUFFY: I know, but what do you want me to do? It's not my fault I'm so attractive and beautiful and sexy and irresistable and nice!
XANDER: Yeah, but it's starting to seem like just about every single guy on the face of the earth is in love with you. God knows I am.
Buffy can't help but smile at this.
BUFFY: Every single guy on the face of the earth? I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Xand.
Suddenly, from outside of the open window ...
GILES: Buffy? Buffy, are you here?
BUFFY: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
XANDER: This is just getting ridiculous.
As Buffy, Xander, Angel and Spike look on helplessly, Giles climbs in through the window. He then proceeds to bump all of the other men out of his way as he rushes over to Buffy's side and crouches by her.
GILES: Buffy, before you say anything, just listen to me. For years now, I've been trying to fight this growing attraction I have for you. But I'm unable to do so any longer. Buffy, I'm in love with you, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What are you, ninety?
ANGEL: Buffy, you can't seriously be listening to these guys!
XANDER: G-Man? What is this?
BUFFY: (helplessly) This can't be my life.
Suddenly, Riley sits up in bed again, just the same way as before, facing straight ahead, eyes shut. Buffy tenses up again, while Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles repeatedly bump into each other trying to find hiding places around the room.
RILEY: What's happening, Buffy?
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... umm ... I think it's just someone's dog barking across town. Why don't you go back to sleep?
RILEY: Fair enough.
Riley lays back down again, and falls asleep. Buffy relaxes. Looking back at the others, she sees that they have all gathered around her side of the bed, and are sitting on chairs, and arguing with each other. Xander has produced a stake, and keeps thrusting it in Spike's direction, only being prevented by Angel, who is trying to grab the stake from Xander's grasp. Giles is polishing his glasses on his shirt while he looks on with an irritated look. Buffy shakes her head resignedly, having given up on trying to restore any order and getting her late night visitors out of the room. Meanwhile, Oz creeps into the room, holding his guitar, followed by the rest of Dingoes Ate My Baby, who are all carrying their instruments. The band creeps over to Riley's side of the bed, and Oz gently nudges Riley. Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, but still doesn't open his eyes.
RILEY: Who's there?
OZ: Uh, hey, Riley, it's Oz.
RILEY: Oh, hey, Oz. It's been a while.
OZ: Yeah, it has.
RILEY: What can I do for you?
OZ: Well, the thing of it is, I need to talk to Buffy. Is that cool?
RILEY: Oh, yeah, sure it is. She's over on the other side of the bed.
OZ: Thanks. Come on, guys.
Riley lays back down and falls asleep, while the Dingoes head over to the other side of the bed. The other four men in the room are still arguing with each other. Buffy has curled up under the covers, covering her head with the pillow in a futile attempt to drown them out. Finding a conveniently placed group of electrical sockets, the Dingoes plug in their instruments. None of the others in the room have noticed them yet. That soon changes, however, when the band members start playing a rock remix of the Monty Python theme music. Buffy, Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles all sit up and stare at the Dingoes. While the band plays, Devon holds up his microphone for Oz to talk into.
OZ: Buffy, I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you something. See, ever since I met you, I felt something towards you. Even while I was with Willow, I could never ignore or deny the spark I always felt whenever you were near me.
BUFFY, XANDER, ANGEL, GILES, & SPIKE: (in unison) What?!
OZ: What I'm trying to say, Buffy, is that I'm in love with you. I came here because I want us to be together. Come away with me tonight, Buffy, and we'll be together forever.
GILES: Buffy, when were you planning on telling me about all this?
SPIKE: This is bloody stupid! Any of you soddin' poofters think you've got any chance at all with the woman I love, you're out of your bloody minds.
ANGEL: Buffy, I leave town for a while and this is what I have to come back to?
XANDER: I'm sorry, Buffy, I had no idea about any of this. I started all of this, and now it's gotten out of control. But I just wanted us to be together.
Buffy smiles a little. Xander smiles back. The others in the room have all gone back to arguing with each other, and the Dingoes have joined in on the argument, though they are still playing. Riley is still sleeping peacefully as ever.
BUFFY: I know, Xander. And it's not your fault. This all just ... happened. Stuff like this happens from time to time. But what can we do about it?
XANDER: Well, I have an idea.
BUFFY: What is it?
Xander smiles mischieviously, and leans closer to whisper in Buffy's ear. Buffy smiles an equally mischievious smile as she listens to Xander whisper his idea to her. Suddenly, Riley sits up again, though he still doesn't open his eyes. Everyone else in the room breaks off, the Dingoes stop playing, and the room has become deathly silent.
RILEY: Buffy!
BUFFY: Oh, what is it now, Riley?
RILEY: I distinctly heard the Monty Python theme song being performed in the rock stylings of a southern Californian college band.
BUFFY: Oh, no ... um ... er ... uh ... it was just the electric blanket switching off.
RILEY: Hmm. Well, I gotta take a leak.
Riley gets out of bed and leaves the room, not noticing any of the other people in the room at all.
ANGEL: Hey, where's he going?
OZ: Yeah, the sketch hasn't finished yet!
SPIKE: Oh, sod it. It was nearly over anyway. Besides, Buffy's in love with me, anyway.
ANGEL: In your dreams, Spike.
GILES: Well, I must say, this is no good at all. There's no one to react to anymore.
WESLEY: What's going on in here?!
The group turns and sees Wesley and Gunn climbing in through the window. Once inside, the two of them look around the room with confused expressions.
GUNN: What, we miss it already?
GILES: It's no good the two of you coming in. Riley's gone and left the sketch.
WELSEY: What?
OZ: Yeah, he just went to take a leak.
ANGEL: (looking at Gunn and Wesley) Let me guess. You two are both in love with Buffy, and you've come here to take her away with you.
WESLEY: Well ... yes, that's correct.
GUNN: How'd you know?
SPIKE: Oh, we're all here for the same reason, apparently. We're all in love with Buffy.
WESLEY: Well, this is a fine mess, then.
OZ: Can you blame us? Buffy's a hottie.
GUNN: Yeah, you're tellin' me. I ain't even met this chick, and I'm as whipped over her as anybody.
ANGEL: Hey, is Riley back yet?
Cut to the bathroom. Riley is in there, and Anya is with him. The two of them are locked in a passionate embrace, and are kissing furiously. Anya starts to moan, and Riley quickly puts a hand over her mouth.
ANYA: Hmph mmph mph?
RILEY: (whispering) Ssh! Be quiet, or Buffy may suspect something's going on!
Cut back to the bedroom.
GILES: Well, all this talking is getting us absolutely nowhere. There's only one solution to this dilemma. Buffy is just going to have to choose one of us.
GUNN: Say what?
SPIKE: Oh, you've gotta be kidding.
ANGEL: No, Giles is right. Buffy has to tell us all who she really loves, and the rest of you ...
Angel is immediately met with numerous angry looks.
ANGEL: Uh ... I mean, the rest of us will just have to accept it and move on.
WESLEY: Yes, I suppose that's the most sensible option. It's all up to Buffy.
OZ: Say, where is Buffy, anyway?
The group looks around the room.
SPIKE: And on top of that, where the hell is Xander?
Cut to the street outside. Buffy and Xander run down the street, hand in hand, laughing under the moonlight. They round the corner, and Xander stops. Buffy stops with him, and the two of them embrace and kiss each other passionately. Eventually, they break off the kiss, and smile at each other.
XANDER: Come on. Anya's out of town, and I've got a whole big empty apartment that isn't doing a single thing.
BUFFY: Ooh, I like the sound of that.
The two of them join hands, and start running again. Cut back to Buffy's bedroom. Willow and Tara are climbing in the window. Once inside, they look around the room with worried expressions, which soon turn to looks of disappointment.
TARA: Where's Buffy?
WILLOW: Oh no, we missed it?
Cut to the Host, behind a desk.
THE HOST: And now ...
XANDER: (whispering) Buffy!
Buffy doesn't stir..
XANDER: (whispering louder) Buffy! Wake up!
When Buffy still doesn't stir, Xander bends down, and plants a kiss on her forehead. This finally rouses her, and she opens her eyes to see Xander smiling down at her. She smiles dreamily up at him.
BUFFY: (softly) Xander ...
Suddenly, Buffy remembers where she is, and she sits up in bed with a start.
BUFFY: (louder) Xander! What are you doing here?
XANDER: I just can't stay away from you any longer, Buffy. I know Anya and I are engaged, but I'm in love with you, and I can't deny it any longer. I have to be near you all the time.
BUFFY: Xander, I love you too, but this is so not the time. Riley's right here, and if he wakes up -
XANDER: What's the big deal? Let him wake up!
Before Buffy can react, Xander reaches over her body and lightly slaps Riley on the side of the face a couple of times. Buffy starts to panic.
BUFFY: (desperately) Xander, no, don't!
She grabs Xander's arm and pushes it away from Riley and back over her body, back down to Xander's side. Fortunately, Riley hasn't been disturbed, and is still asleep beside her.
BUFFY: Are you crazy? If he wakes up and sees you sneaking into my room in the middle of the night, he's liable to ... well, I don't know what he's liable to do! I've only just realized my feelings for you, but now I don't know how I feel about Riley anymore! It's all really confusing now, and very inconvenient for me!
XANDER: Don't talk to me about inconvenience, Buffy! My love for you is consuming my mind, and I can't get you out of my head. My desire for you is making me absolutely delirious, and I know I can't let you out of my sight again. Not now, after being able to see you in this sweet moonlight. Buffy, I love you, I adore you, I worship you, and I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. Please, Buffy, tell me you feel the same way too?
Stunned by Xander's declaration of devotion and love, Buffy can only sit perfectly frozen, her mouth wide open. Suddenly, the two of them throw themselves at each other, and start kissing passionately.
XANDER: Oh, Buffy ...
BUFFY: Oh, Xander ...
RILEY: Oh, Buffy?
Buffy and Xander quickly disentangle themselves from each other at the sound of Riley's voice. Xander ducks behind Buffy, hiding as best he can, lying down on the floor beside the bed. Beside Buffy, Riley is awake and sitting upright in the bed, facing straight ahead of him, though his eyes are still shut. Buffy lets out a deep breath and tries to act natural.
BUFFY: What's wrong, Riley?
Riley is silent for a moment, seemingly thinking to himself, still with his eyes shut.
RILEY: Thought I heard something.
BUFFY: Oh? Uh ... oh, yeah, someone just drove past on a ... on a motorcycle. It woke me too. Go back to sleep, honey.
RILEY: Sure, okay, Buffy.
Riley immediately lays back down and falls asleep again. Buffy and Xander simultaneously let out a sigh of relief as Xander hops back up and kneels beside Buffy once more.
BUFFY: Phew ... that was a close one.
She turns back to Xander, and looks at him with an expression of desperation on her face.
BUFFY: Xander, you need to leave NOW!
XANDER: But Buffy -
BUFFY: No buts! I want to be with you too, but it's not that simple, and this isn't the place or the time. Please go. I'll talk to you in the morning.
Xander sits silently for a moment, looking down at the floor, deep in thought. Finally, he looks back up at Buffy.
XANDER: Alright, Buffy, I'll do what you want. I'll always do what you want me to do. You know that.
Buffy smiles at him.
BUFFY: I know. Goodnight, Xand.
Xander smiles back.
XANDER: Goodnight, Buff. Kiss before I go?
Her smile growing even wider, Buffy moves closer to Xander. Just before their lips touch, however, they notice a tall figure standing right behind Xander. They both look up, and their hearts sink and their smiles fade when they see who is standing before them.
ANGEL: Buffy! What the hell are you doing?
BUFFY: Angel?
ANGEL: What's the meaning of this?
BUFFY: Oh, I can explain everything! You see, I was just lying here, sleeping, and Xander came in through the window, and - wait. How did you get in here?
ANGEL: Through the window.
XANDER: Buffy, you don't need to explain yourself to him anymore.
Buffy looks at Xander.
BUFFY: I know, Xander, but Angel and I have so much history. He deserves to know the truth.
ANGEL: The truth? What truth?
Buffy reluctantly looks back up at Angel.
BUFFY: Angel ... Xander and I are in love.
Had it been possible, the colour would have drained from Angel's face.
ANGEL: WHAT? You're in love ... with HIM?!
Well and truly angered, Xander gets to his feet and confronts Angel, getting right in the vampire's face.
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy! Seems our Slayer's developed a thing for guys with pulses. Hard to believe, isn't it? First Willow turns to lesbianism, and now this. So you can just run along. There's nothing between you and Buffy anymore. We're in love, and we're happy.
Angel ignores Xander, and continues to look at Buffy.
BUFFY: He's right, Angel. Xander and I love each other, and we're going to be together. Well, that is, after I break up with Riley. It wouldn't be fair to keep stringing him along like this. I'll have to break up with him tomorrow morning.
ANGEL: How could you do this to me, Buffy? After all we've been through, how could you do it? First off, you jump into the sack with Captain Cardboard over there, and now you take up with this Zeppo.
BUFFY: (quietly, and forcefully) Don't you say things like that about Xander ever again. Get over yourself! We had something once, but it's over. (her voice starts growing louder) So you can just run off back to L.A. and forget about me, and stop acting like you own my life!
XANDER: (impressed) Go for it, Buff! You tell him what for.
Buffy smiles at Xander, and Xander smiles back. Suddenly, Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, his eyes still shut, exactly like before. Xander and Angel both look for somewhere to hide, and Buffy tenses up again.
RILEY: Buffy!
BUFFY: What is it, Riley?
RILEY: I'm sure I heard something that time. What's happening?
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... it's just a twig brushing against the window.
RILEY: Oh. Okay.
Riley lays back down and goes to sleep. Buffy, Xander and Angel relax.
ANGEL: Buffy, I want you back. My life's been hell without you. Come back to L.A. with me. I found out I'm going to become human again. I don't know how, but apparently, it's going to happen. I want you to be there when it does. Please, come back with me.
BUFFY: Don't you get it, Angel? We're through. You had your shot, and you blew it. Now get out of here. It's bad enough Xander being here with Riley asleep right next to me, but you being here as well is the last thing I need. Go!
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy. You're yesterday's news. Now beat it!
BUFFY: (apologetically) Xander, you have to go too.
XANDER: I know. But it's just so hard to do. I don't want us to be apart for another second.
ANGEL: And I'm not going either, Buffy. Not without you.
XANDER: Pay attention, Deadboy. She loves me now, not you.
ANGEL: Don't try and stand between me and my soulmate, Harris, you little geek!
XANDER: Oh, you are SO gonna pay for that, Deadboy!
Xander and Angel stare each other down menacingly.
BUFFY: Both of you, stop it! You guys are gonna get me in trouble!
Neither of them hearing what Buffy is saying, Xander and Angel look as if they are about to come to blows. Before they get the chance, a familiar British voice is heard.
SPIKE: What the bloody hell's going on here?
BUFFY, XANDER & ANGEL: (in unsion) Oh, no.
Buffy groans, realizing the situation has spun completely out of her control.
BUFFY: Spike, what are you doing here?
SPIKE: I came for you, Buffy.
BUFFY: What?!
ANGEL: Huh?
XANDER: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
BUFFY: Oh, not again, Spike, please!
SPIKE: I can't help it! I can't get you out of my bloody head, Slayer! You're all I think about. I can't take it anymore. So I came to take you away with me. We can never make it work in this miserable excuse for a town. So we have to get out of here, right now. I love you, and that's all that matters.
XANDER: That's it, I've had it! Buffy, you gotta tell these guys to leave us alone. This is just getting too crazy.
BUFFY: I know, but what do you want me to do? It's not my fault I'm so attractive and beautiful and sexy and irresistable and nice!
XANDER: Yeah, but it's starting to seem like just about every single guy on the face of the earth is in love with you. God knows I am.
Buffy can't help but smile at this.
BUFFY: Every single guy on the face of the earth? I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Xand.
Suddenly, from outside of the open window ...
GILES: Buffy? Buffy, are you here?
BUFFY: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
XANDER: This is just getting ridiculous.
As Buffy, Xander, Angel and Spike look on helplessly, Giles climbs in through the window. He then proceeds to bump all of the other men out of his way as he rushes over to Buffy's side and crouches by her.
GILES: Buffy, before you say anything, just listen to me. For years now, I've been trying to fight this growing attraction I have for you. But I'm unable to do so any longer. Buffy, I'm in love with you, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What are you, ninety?
ANGEL: Buffy, you can't seriously be listening to these guys!
XANDER: G-Man? What is this?
BUFFY: (helplessly) This can't be my life.
Suddenly, Riley sits up in bed again, just the same way as before, facing straight ahead, eyes shut. Buffy tenses up again, while Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles repeatedly bump into each other trying to find hiding places around the room.
RILEY: What's happening, Buffy?
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... umm ... I think it's just someone's dog barking across town. Why don't you go back to sleep?
RILEY: Fair enough.
Riley lays back down again, and falls asleep. Buffy relaxes. Looking back at the others, she sees that they have all gathered around her side of the bed, and are sitting on chairs, and arguing with each other. Xander has produced a stake, and keeps thrusting it in Spike's direction, only being prevented by Angel, who is trying to grab the stake from Xander's grasp. Giles is polishing his glasses on his shirt while he looks on with an irritated look. Buffy shakes her head resignedly, having given up on trying to restore any order and getting her late night visitors out of the room. Meanwhile, Oz creeps into the room, holding his guitar, followed by the rest of Dingoes Ate My Baby, who are all carrying their instruments. The band creeps over to Riley's side of the bed, and Oz gently nudges Riley. Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, but still doesn't open his eyes.
RILEY: Who's there?
OZ: Uh, hey, Riley, it's Oz.
RILEY: Oh, hey, Oz. It's been a while.
OZ: Yeah, it has.
RILEY: What can I do for you?
OZ: Well, the thing of it is, I need to talk to Buffy. Is that cool?
RILEY: Oh, yeah, sure it is. She's over on the other side of the bed.
OZ: Thanks. Come on, guys.
Riley lays back down and falls asleep, while the Dingoes head over to the other side of the bed. The other four men in the room are still arguing with each other. Buffy has curled up under the covers, covering her head with the pillow in a futile attempt to drown them out. Finding a conveniently placed group of electrical sockets, the Dingoes plug in their instruments. None of the others in the room have noticed them yet. That soon changes, however, when the band members start playing a rock remix of the Monty Python theme music. Buffy, Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles all sit up and stare at the Dingoes. While the band plays, Devon holds up his microphone for Oz to talk into.
OZ: Buffy, I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you something. See, ever since I met you, I felt something towards you. Even while I was with Willow, I could never ignore or deny the spark I always felt whenever you were near me.
BUFFY, XANDER, ANGEL, GILES, & SPIKE: (in unison) What?!
OZ: What I'm trying to say, Buffy, is that I'm in love with you. I came here because I want us to be together. Come away with me tonight, Buffy, and we'll be together forever.
GILES: Buffy, when were you planning on telling me about all this?
SPIKE: This is bloody stupid! Any of you soddin' poofters think you've got any chance at all with the woman I love, you're out of your bloody minds.
ANGEL: Buffy, I leave town for a while and this is what I have to come back to?
XANDER: I'm sorry, Buffy, I had no idea about any of this. I started all of this, and now it's gotten out of control. But I just wanted us to be together.
Buffy smiles a little. Xander smiles back. The others in the room have all gone back to arguing with each other, and the Dingoes have joined in on the argument, though they are still playing. Riley is still sleeping peacefully as ever.
BUFFY: I know, Xander. And it's not your fault. This all just ... happened. Stuff like this happens from time to time. But what can we do about it?
XANDER: Well, I have an idea.
BUFFY: What is it?
Xander smiles mischieviously, and leans closer to whisper in Buffy's ear. Buffy smiles an equally mischievious smile as she listens to Xander whisper his idea to her. Suddenly, Riley sits up again, though he still doesn't open his eyes. Everyone else in the room breaks off, the Dingoes stop playing, and the room has become deathly silent.
RILEY: Buffy!
BUFFY: Oh, what is it now, Riley?
RILEY: I distinctly heard the Monty Python theme song being performed in the rock stylings of a southern Californian college band.
BUFFY: Oh, no ... um ... er ... uh ... it was just the electric blanket switching off.
RILEY: Hmm. Well, I gotta take a leak.
Riley gets out of bed and leaves the room, not noticing any of the other people in the room at all.
ANGEL: Hey, where's he going?
OZ: Yeah, the sketch hasn't finished yet!
SPIKE: Oh, sod it. It was nearly over anyway. Besides, Buffy's in love with me, anyway.
ANGEL: In your dreams, Spike.
GILES: Well, I must say, this is no good at all. There's no one to react to anymore.
WESLEY: What's going on in here?!
The group turns and sees Wesley and Gunn climbing in through the window. Once inside, the two of them look around the room with confused expressions.
GUNN: What, we miss it already?
GILES: It's no good the two of you coming in. Riley's gone and left the sketch.
WELSEY: What?
OZ: Yeah, he just went to take a leak.
ANGEL: (looking at Gunn and Wesley) Let me guess. You two are both in love with Buffy, and you've come here to take her away with you.
WESLEY: Well ... yes, that's correct.
GUNN: How'd you know?
SPIKE: Oh, we're all here for the same reason, apparently. We're all in love with Buffy.
WESLEY: Well, this is a fine mess, then.
OZ: Can you blame us? Buffy's a hottie.
GUNN: Yeah, you're tellin' me. I ain't even met this chick, and I'm as whipped over her as anybody.
ANGEL: Hey, is Riley back yet?
Cut to the bathroom. Riley is in there, and Anya is with him. The two of them are locked in a passionate embrace, and are kissing furiously. Anya starts to moan, and Riley quickly puts a hand over her mouth.
ANYA: Hmph mmph mph?
RILEY: (whispering) Ssh! Be quiet, or Buffy may suspect something's going on!
Cut back to the bedroom.
GILES: Well, all this talking is getting us absolutely nowhere. There's only one solution to this dilemma. Buffy is just going to have to choose one of us.
GUNN: Say what?
SPIKE: Oh, you've gotta be kidding.
ANGEL: No, Giles is right. Buffy has to tell us all who she really loves, and the rest of you ...
Angel is immediately met with numerous angry looks.
ANGEL: Uh ... I mean, the rest of us will just have to accept it and move on.
WESLEY: Yes, I suppose that's the most sensible option. It's all up to Buffy.
OZ: Say, where is Buffy, anyway?
The group looks around the room.
SPIKE: And on top of that, where the hell is Xander?
Cut to the street outside. Buffy and Xander run down the street, hand in hand, laughing under the moonlight. They round the corner, and Xander stops. Buffy stops with him, and the two of them embrace and kiss each other passionately. Eventually, they break off the kiss, and smile at each other.
XANDER: Come on. Anya's out of town, and I've got a whole big empty apartment that isn't doing a single thing.
BUFFY: Ooh, I like the sound of that.
The two of them join hands, and start running again. Cut back to Buffy's bedroom. Willow and Tara are climbing in the window. Once inside, they look around the room with worried expressions, which soon turn to looks of disappointment.
TARA: Where's Buffy?
WILLOW: Oh no, we missed it?
Cut to the Host, behind a desk.
THE HOST: And now ...