Sir Harris crawls along the ground, through the wind, the rain, the thunder and the lightning, until finally, he reaches the castle door. Frantically, he pounds on it.

SIR HARRIS: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King G-Man, open the door!

The door opens, and Sir Harris falls face-first onto the floor of the castle. Looking up, he sees a large group of beautiful young women standing before him. The blonde girl at the front of the group holds a stake in one hand, and smiles sweetly down at the valiant knight.

ALL: Hello!
BUFFY: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anyanka!

Sir Harris looks up at Buffy with a disgusted expression.

SIR HARRIS: The Castle Anyanka?!
BUFFY: Yes. (her face falls) Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? (she smiles again) Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every, every need!
SIR HARRIS: Sweet, I'll take some of that action. (gets up) You are the keepers of the Holy Stake?
BUFFY: (innocently) The what?
SIR HARRIS: The Stake. It is here.
BUFFY: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile! (calling) Faith! Cordelia!

Two beautiful brunette girls run up with excited expressions.

FAITH and CORDELIA: Yes, oh Buffy!
BUFFY: Prepare a bed for our guest.
FAITH and CORDELIA: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you ...
BUFFY: (impatienty) Yes, away, away. (to Sir Harris) The beds here are warm and soft. (she steps closer) And very, very big.

Sir Harris raises his eyebrows, and grins widely.

BUFFY: What is your name, handsome Knight?
SIR HARRIS: Sir Harris, the White Knight. But my friends call me Xander.
BUFFY: Well, Xander, mine is Buffy. Buffy Summers. Oh, but come!
SIR HARRIS: Look, please, in God's name, show me the Stake!
BUFFY: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! I must get you to bed straight away!
SIR HARRIS: Oh, alright then - Wait! No! Look, I have seen it! It is here!
BUFFY: Sir Harris! Surely you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
SIR HARRIS: Well, I ... uh ...
BUFFY: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes and redheads, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, staking vampires, dressing, beheading demons, undressing, averting apocalypses, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights!

Buffy and Sir Harris enter a small bedroom. Buffy guides Sir Harris over to the bed.

BUFFY: Nay, nay, come, come. You may lie here.
SIR HARRIS: (smiling) If you insist.

As Buffy sets him down on the bed, she notices a wound on his thigh.

BUFFY: Oh, but you are wounded!
SIR HARRIS: No, no, it's nothing.
BUFFY: Oh, but you must see the witches immediately!
SIR HARRIS: Cool. I'm up for some group action. Where are they?

Buffy claps her hands, and two girls, one redhead and one blonde, enter the room.

WILLOW: What seems to be the trouble?
SIR HARRIS: (to Buffy) They're witches?!
BUFFY: Uh ... they've had a basic Wicca training.
SIR HARRIS: (shrugs) Fair enough. Bring it on, ladies.
BUFFY: Wicca Willow, Wicca Tara, practice your art.
TARA: Try to relax.
SIR HARRIS: Hey, no problem, gorgeous.

Suddenly, Sir Harris remembers why he's here, and he gets up again.

WILLOW: Back to your bed!
SIR HARRIS: As much as I'd like to under normal circumstances, sweetheart, I'm here for a very serious reason ... which escapes me for the moment ... wait ... oh, yeah. The Stake is here! I have seen it!
TARA: There's no Stake here.
SIR HARRIS: I have seen it, I have seen it!

Sir Harris walks out the door and back out into the front room.

SIR HARRIS: I have seen -

Sir Harris breaks off when he realizes the same group of beautiful young women is staring at him. The two witches follow him out. Suddenly, a familiar figure appears in front of him.

SIR HARRIS: Buffy!
SARAH: No, I am Buffy's identical twin sister, Sarah.
SIR HARRIS: Oh. Well, excuse me, I ...

Sir Harris goes to leave, but Sarah cuts him off.

SARAH: Where are you going?
SIR HARRIS: I have seen the Stake! It is here, in this castle!

Sarah thinks for a moment, then looks angry.

SARAH: Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Buffy!
SIR HARRIS: What is it?
SARAH: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Buffy! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which I've just remembered is Stake-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
SIR HARRIS: It's not the real Stake?!
SARAH: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Buffy!

Sarah stops for a minute.

SARAH: You know, I am enjoying this scene. BulldogPhilbo wasn't going to use me in this story at first, but then he changed his mind, and now I'm glad! What a great scene this is!

Cut to Mayor Wilkins.

MAYOR WILKINS: At least my big scene was better visually.

Cut to Spike.

SPIKE: At least my scenes have some real humour, they're not just a string of pussy jokes.

Cut to Wesley.

WESLEY: Get on with it!

Cut to a group of vampires.

VAMPIRES: Yes, get on with it!

Cut back to Sarah.

SARAH: Oh, I am enjoying this scene!

Cut to BulldogPhilbo, sitting at his computer.

PHIL: Get on with it! I haven't got all night to write this thing!

Cut to the Host.

THE HOST: Yes, get on with it!

Cut to a large army of demons. There must be a thousand of them.

DEMONS: Yes, get on with it!

Cut to Joss Whedon.

JOSS: Yes, get on with it!

SARAH: Oh, alright! Oh, she is a naughty person, and must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anyanka, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Stake-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed, and stake her!
GIRLS: A staking! A staking!
SARAH: You must stake her well. And after you have staked her, you may deal with her ashes as you like. And then ... stake me!
WILLOW: And stake me!
TARA: And me!
FAITH: Yes, and me!
CORDELIA: Stake me too!
SARAH: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good staking!
GIRLS: A staking! A staking!
SARAH: But before the staking, the wild monkey sex!
GIRLS: Wild monkey sex! Wild monkey sex!
SIR HARRIS: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

Suddenly, the front door bursts open, and Sir Finn storms in.

SIR FINN: Sir Harris!
SIR HARRIS: Oh, hello.
SIR FINN: Quick!
SIR HARRIS: What?
SIR FINN: You're in great peril!
BUFFY: No, he isn't.
SIR FINN: Silence, foul temptress!

Sir Finn pulls out a taser gun and aims it at Sarah, but Sir Harris knocks it out of his hand.

SIR HARRIS: You shoot her with that thing, and you're a dead man!
SIR FINN: Quick, come on! We'll cover your escape!
SIR HARRIS: Oh, shut up, Riley! If you're not up for this scene, that's fine! But don't tell me what to do. You're as lifelike as a piece of styrofoam, Finn, and you bore me to tears. Now get out!

Thoroughly chastised, Sir Finn hangs his head in shame as he slowly walks towards the front door. Before he can reach it, though, Buffy reappears, and drives a stake through his chest. Sir Harris watches on in shock as Sir Finn crumbles into ashes and falls to the floor. Buffy smiles at him, and holds up her stake. It is glowing a bright gold.

BUFFY: This what you were looking for, Xander?
SIR HARRIS: My God! Riley was a vampire?!
BUFFY: (shrugs) You just can't be too careful these days.
SIR HARRIS: Guess not.
SARAH: Nice work, sis!
BUFFY: Thanks. Well, looks like my work here is done. I'm outta here. You coming, Xander?
SIR HARRIS: Sure!
SARAH: Now, hang on just a minute. Xander is ours!
GIRLS: Yeah!
BUFFY: What, are you nuts? This is a B/X story! If Xander and I don't hook up at the end, BulldogPhilbo's readers will go nuts! Isn't that right, BulldogPhilbo?

Everyone looks up.

BULLDOGPHILBO: (voiceover) Huh? Oh, yeah, that's right, Buffy.
BUFFY: See? Now Xander's coming with me, and that's final!

Sir Harris looks back at the other girls.

SIR HARRIS: Sorry, ladies, but I'm spoken for, it would seem. Hey, Buffy, wait up!

Sir Harris jogs over to Buffy, and they kiss passionately before walking out.