Weakness.
CJ POV.
Angst.
Notes: To all the girls of ice. Concept from: 'Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics'. Series
of CJ POV's.
Author: Cappuccino Girl
Disclaimer: The West Wing and all that goes with it belongs to Aaron Sorkin, Warner
Bros., and John Wells Productions. Thanks for the inspiration. The sumary quote is
by Emily Saliers.
Summary: 'What makes me think I could start clean slated? The hardest to learn
was the least complicated.'
~* *~
I gently close the door to his office. I knew this could happen, that which I always
feared.
How could I? Why did I? I knew better. I always feel myself to be expendable. The
thought that this might have been my last chance makes me feel faint and I notice
my eyes getting moist as I march through the hallway.
Don't cry. Don't shed a tear. If they see this then I might give them even more reason
to let me go, for the salty rain is a sign of weakness. To not appear weak is all I can
do now. As I shut the door to my office, the latch to my mind's pain clicks shuts in
unison. I cannot let this get to me. I am not to blame, yet it is not their fault.
There they are again, the tears. No. Don't let them take over. They are pure
foolishness, as equally foolish as my child-like optimism. I lay my glasses down and
brush the water from my eyes.
Are they red? Might someone see them? I reach for the mirror in my desk drawer to
be certain.
They are clear, so why can't my mind be the same? Why can the outside shell not
reflect inwards? 'I should work now.' I tell myself. This is not the place for regret, but
I cannot prevent myself from doing so until I hear those words coming from his
mouth.
'You are like a daughter to him CJ.'
I have been offered comfort, yet I cannot convince my stubborn, weak self to accept
that which I longed for. Why will no one realise that I am human and hurt as others
do?
Carol calls for my advise, so I gingerly get up from my chair. 'Smile', I remind
myself as I prepare to continue with my day.
~* *~