Author's Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, when I had writers block on Becoming, Part Two, and was listening to my Fiona Apple CD when this came to me. A great many people have tried to explain Buffy's actions during, "Who Are You." This is my attempt. Entry found in Buffy's diary after her death. Comments, questions and concerns go to cobalite@yahoo.com.
Criminal By Cobalite Ice
I've been a bad bad girl I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad, sad world When a girl will break a boy Just because she can Don't tell me to deny it I've done wrong and I want to Suffer for my sins I've come to you `cause I need Guidance to be true And I just don't know where I can begin
I shouldn't have gone, but I did. Because I still need Angel, even if we both deny it. I just don't know if he needs me anymore. I saw Wesely, who had just spent the previouse night getting tortured, help Faith. I saw a side of Cordelia I thought I'd never see again. Maybe she still is human underneath.
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love
I was terrible to them all. I have to learn that Angel isn't mine anymore. I don't know what he has going in LA with Cordelia and Wesely, but it's deep, deeper than anything he ever had with even me back in Sunnydale.
Heaven help me for the way I am Save me from these evil deeds Before I get them done I know tomorrow brings the consequence At hand But I keep living this day like The next will never come
He has a family now, and somehow, Faith and I managed to screw him over again. Maybe I'm ready to face the truth, that I can never really love anyone like I loved Angel. But I'll stay by Riley, because I need some one, anyone to hold me when things get to bad. I might die tomorrow anyway, and I know I won't live long enough to marry him, or anyone else.
Oh help me but don't tell me To deny it I've got to cleanse myself Of all these lies till I'm good Enough for him I've got a lot to lose and I'm Bettin' high So I'm beggin' you before it ends Just tell me where to begin
I want him back, but I can't have him. He belongs to the City of Angels, not Buffy Summers, not anymore. I don't know where my future heads. Like Tara said, I don't know what I'll become when the end comes.
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love
Now, Angel must face his destiny in LA. I heard whispers pass from Giles to Willow, talking of the scroll, and some obscure word, Shansu. I looked it up. It means death. I wonder if Angel is going to die.
Let me know the way Before there's hell to pay Give me room to lay the law and let me go I've got to make a play To make my lover stay So what would an angel say The devil wants to know
I think I'm the one who needs redemption. What I did, it was downright cruel. Why, why did I do it? I came home, and through the power of friendship, I killed Adam. Riley wasn't involved, he was being reprogrammed at the time, but even if he was awake, I wouldn't have wanted him in on the spell.
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love
I don't love him enough. I love Willow, Xander, and Giles with all my heart. So much that for a brief moment, we were able to become one. I wish my Angel could have experianced it.
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against
No, it's not Angel who needs redemption. I'm not Buffy Summers anymore, I am just a hollow shell. And it hurts so much, because the one I love, I don't think he can love me anymore. I can let him have that, because one I begged him to tell me he didn't love me anymore.
Because he's all I ever knew of love
I will always love Angel, and I can never love Riley. Because he's not Angel, he'll never be Angel, and I can deal with that. I just don't want to be alone when death comes, and anything is better than that. Right? Oh god, just let me have this.In the end, Kendra was right. Slayers shouldn't form emotional attachments. They refuse to die. Just like me.