How does
it feel?
Setting: Between 'On Borrowed Time' and 'View of The Garden.'
Author's Note: I wrote this years ago but never
had the courage to post it. Guess I didn't think I could compare to the other
writers of the LFN genre. So here it is. Make what you will of it.
* * *
How does it feel to give someone your heart and have them
throw it back in your face? How does it feel to not be loved back?
You deserve what you get. I feel nothing for you. And your
constant attempts to make me remember is simply a waste of both of our time.
You're used to being the one with all the power. The one who
decides whether we're a couple or not. Whether I'm happy or not.
But now I am happy… without you.
And I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore.
I have the power now and I've got to say it feels good to
stick some back to you. Now you're the one casting all the unrequited puppy-dog
stares. The one going out of his way to get even a brief touch from me.
You're pathetic…! You're the way I used to be.
I wish you would just get over it. I don't love you! I've
had to do it… several times.
You're not special. Madeline and Operations don't even like
you anymore. They're just looking for an excuse— a chance, to cancel you.
You're a walking dead man and you don't even care. You're
too blinded by your love for me to even think about yourself for 5 minutes. And
that's the first rule you taught me when I got here.
I guess on some level your self-disregard used to be
appealing to me but now it's just desolated.
You're not the same. You've lost something. You've allowed
yourself to get weak.
You should have known that Section played on your
weaknesses. You should have known that they would do this to me.
It's your fault! So stop crying about it!
Be the man you always pretended to be. Be the machine I've
gotten so used to seeing. Bring back the steel skin I've tried to penetrate,
unsuccessfully, for so many years. Bring back your blank stares and cold eyes
I've gotten so used to facing.
You never wanted to show me any emotion then, so why change
a good thing?
Now every time you give me one of those wanting looks I want
to laugh; I want to smile because your pain brings me happiness.
So tell me how does it feel to be on the other side? Is it
all you expected it to be? Is it how you thought it'd feel? Or did you never
even stopped to think about the pain I was in?
I hope you get the full dose of my heartache! Finally I get
a point in this pain game; Nikita 1, Michael 100. It's a start. You'll get
what's coming to you, I'll make sure of that.
You'd be amazed at how much clarity comes to a person when
they're no longer susceptible to your charms.
No more desire and love to block me from seeing who you
really are. What you really are:
Section's pet project gone awry.
You're used to being the glory boy, but now you're just a
joke. Not quite a killer anymore and still not human enough to be accepted by
the rest of the world.
You're a hybrid, a half-breed; an assassin with a soul. A
poor excuse for both a person and a hit man. A joke, like I said!
So cue the curtain and clear the theater because you're
over; you're done; you're dead!
~FINI
