Title: Angel of Mine
Author: Laura Gowland (sunshine_reyes)
Feedback: Gobbled up like hard-drive space. Dr.Scully_@tinyworld.co.uk
Rating: PG 13 for 2 naughty words and some hints at adult themes.
Category: Reyes Angst, RSR.
Disclaimer: Bow down to the sliver haired one....that - unfortunately - isn't me, so to my total disappointment...(awwwww) Monica Reyes and Dana Scully don't belong to me...The surfer dude owns them from their dyed hair follicles down to their pedicured toenails...Oh yeah...and I don't own Bette Midler either...and I couldn't tell you WHO owns The Divine Miss M....so don't bother suing...you'll waist an awful lot of money and get non in return...
Author's notes: This is one of the few stories I manage to complete in one go. They usually take me months and months because I give up and forget the plot...(or lose the plot somewhere along my life..:-p ) so be kind to one of the only fics that has survived the wrath of the Dreaded...."RECYCLE BIN" Argghhhhhh!!!!
Anyhoo....
Enjoy...................................
I felt like a nervous schoolgirl as I stepped out of the car in the FBI car park. . It was raining so I put up my umbrella and ran towards the doors. Shaking the droplets off the umbrella, I shivered and then walked towards the elevator. I smoothed my skirt as I pressed the button. I wore my best suit for her. Black, the jacket complimented my bust and the skirt made my legs look longer and sexier. It had a great split up the side that was smart but sexy...not too revealing, which usually left them wanting more.
My hands were shaking as I pressed the button for the basement. The elevator rumbled as it began it's descent to the room most agents would never dare venture to for fear of never returning alive...or maybe just never returning complete with their sanity.
I closed my eyes and picked at my nails nervously, removing non-existent dirt. The journey seemed to be taking an eternity and I opened my eyes with a jerk as the elevator shuddered to a grinding halt. The doors opened gracefully and without a sound. I hesitated then stepped through the doors, my shoes making a sound. Not as graceful as the elevator I thought as I 'clip-clopped' down the corridor. I felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The end of the corridor seemed to be moving further away every time I put one foot in front of the other. Then it was there. The door. I didn't know what to do. I turned to walk away and then rebuked myself for being so childish. I was a grown woman; I could do this...couldn't I? I froze outside this door. The door that would inevitably lead to my fate; Good or Bad, this door would lead me down my destined path. I was afraid. I felt like my heart was on a path of it's own: straight through my chest. I could have sworn she would be able to hear it beating through the door. Taking a deep breath I lifted my trembling hand to the door. I brought it back down and laughed nervously. *Get a grip Monica...this is your office. You don't need to knock...* I told myself.
I grabbed the handle and twisted. The door opened and I could smell Dana's perfume immediately. I breathed it in and walked over to my desk. She looked up from her own and flashed a wide toothy smile.
" Afternoon Mon, you want some coffee? " I shook my head. She stood up and took off her jacket. " Even though it's raining, It's so hot in here today, I'll have to ask them to fix the air conditioning again."
I tore my gaze away from her stunning body. She looked good in that top. " I'm starting to feel the heat." I said, biting on my bottom lip.
She smiled and then sat down again. "What's wrong Mon? You don't look so good. Are you sick?" she sounded concerned. Any other time I would have craved for her sweet affection but at this very moment I felt like running away and hiding. Why was it, when I was so close to something, it seemed like the most frightening thing in the world? I sat on the edge of my desk and smiled. "I'm fine. Just got a headache, that's all."
"Have you had any pills for it?" she rested her fist underneath her chin and looked up at me. *God, why are you so beautiful?* Her ice blue eyes were filled with concern for me and I was about to either replace that concern with happiness or with tears of sadness. *Please God...don't let it be the latter* I thought as she wet her lips with the tip of her tongue. I loved the way she always did that. I shook my head. "I had some, umm, a couple of hours ago but they...umm, they don't seem to have worked." I stuttered.
She wrinkled her brow and traced her bottom lip with her manicured finger. "I have some in my bag I think. You should take two more. Hang on." She bent down under the desk and I bit on my lower lip again as her top revealed her cleavage. Her red hair fell loosely onto her face as she sat back down and opened the box of pills. With a delicate stroke of her hand she swept it behind her ear and smoothed down the back.
"Here you go." She smiled, handing me the pills.
"Thanks. I'll just go get some water." I said, smiling back.
"No, just take them with a sip of my coffee, save you walking all the way up there." She held out her Mug and I took it. Her lipstick mark was on the rim and I quickly put the tablets in my mouth and swallowed them with a mouthful of delicious coffee. I gave her back her coffee and then searched my soul for the right words... "Dana..."
I began, and finished. My soul didn't know what to say either. She looked up. *Take a deep breath Monica...* I ordered myself.
I picked at invisible threads on the hem of my skirt and then looked into her eyes. *Here we go...*
" Dana....I...I love you." I said, pulling my gaze away. Afraid to look into her eyes.
" Awww, I love you too Mon, you're my best friend." She stood up and walked over. I held back tears of frustration as she hugged me. " I don't know what I'd do without you."
She smelled really good. " No Dana...you don't understand...I..I'm in love with you..." I felt her go stiff in my arms. She fell silent and started to move away. I searched her face for signs, anything to let me know what was running through her mind. She was staring at the floor and her face was pale. A tear escaped down her cheek and bounced onto the floor.
" Well say something...please..." I whispered. I don't know if she heard me but she remained silent anyway. She staggered back and sat down in her chair. She slowly began to shake her head and her lips were moving but no sound was coming out.
I didn't know what to do. I looked at her but she was still staring at the uninteresting floor. I couldn't stand this any longer, I turned to leave but she began to speak.
" I...I thought you were my...friend. Monica...I never expected this... I...Oh God..."
An immense pain filled my heart and I ran. Ran as fast as I could to the elevator and caught the tears falling from my blind eyes. She had been my only light all these years and now she had snatched it away, blowing out the candle that burned in my heart. I staggered into the elevator and punched the button. Once the doors were closed I slid to the floor: my face hidden in my hands and my heart, exposed and beaten on the cold floor. I cried for all the things could have been and I cried for what I had just lost... my best friend. Even if she ever decided to speak to me again, we would never have that special bond, that bond that made us inseparable, that allowed us to trust each other with every aspect of our lives. The elevator stopped and a trail of mascara covered my hand as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I choked back more tears and looked up at a large group of Agents. *Shit. How long have they been stood there?* I feared as I stood up and smoothed down my suit. A small female Agent ran towards me and took my arm. " Are you alright Agent Reyes? " she asked.
" I'm fine. Fine, fine...fucking fine." I said, walking towards the front door. I hung my head in shame and heard them whispering about me. *Goddamn silent elevator doors...* I cursed.
The rain was pouring heavier as I pushed open the doors and stepped into the parking lot. I let the cool drops soak my hair and face. That felt good but nothing could take away the overwhelming depression I felt in my heart. On the way here I had been filled with burning passion for Dana Scully, but now all I felt was emptiness...loneliness, desperation. I needed her. I wish I could turn back the clock and just be her friend. At least then I'd still be close to her, still be the only person she trusted. How could she trust me now when I came out and said that? It shocked her...she had no idea, and yet she thought I shared all my secrets with her...It was killing me keeping this from her. 3 years. 3 years of wanting and needing. 3 years of watching and longing...knowing I had to wait. I needn't have bothered.
I walked slowly towards my car and reached into my jacket pocket. Nothing. My keys were on my desk. There was no way I was going back in there. I turned and headed towards the exit. I'd walk. I didn't know where but I'd walk somewhere.
Dana looked up, tears in her eyes and noticed the keys lying on Monica's desk. She grabbed them and dashed out of the door, skidding as she went. She caught her balance and then jammed her fist against the elevator button. She stepped inside and played with the keys unconsciously. The doors closed and she leaned against the wall, resting her head on the cold metal. Tears dripped off her chin and she let them fall. Suddenly the elevator came to an abrupt stop and the doors opened. She wiped her face and tried to compose herself as two male agents stepped inside and smiled. She forced a false smile and then walked past them, her face hidden by the hair that fell forward as she lowered her head. The doors closed behind her and she dashed towards the main entrance. She stared out into the rain, scanning the car park for that familiar face, the only face she had ever fully trusted. She saw Monica's car and flung the front door open, running towards it, hoping to catch her. She reached the car and pressed hands and face against the window. No sign of her. She stood up straight and spun round, searching the car park. Her drenched hair hung heavily around her puffy red eyes and she pulled it back off her face, her salty tears mingling with the cool rain water and dripping off the tip of her nose. She could taste the salt in her mouth as she silently cried in the middle of the deserted, soaking wet car park.
The only sounds I can hear are the rain as it pounds on the sidewalk around me and my thoughts, screaming at me, coming all at once, confusing me. How could I have been so stupid to think that she would, even could ever love me? I should have left it the way things were. Wanting from a distance...she felt comfortable with me then. Needing from a distance...she loved me as a friend. How could I have been blind to her signals? She wanted, needed my friendship...not anything more, just my trust and support as a friend. I have ruined that now. She'll never want to see me again after today, the worst day of my entire life. I don't even notice the road full of cars racing around on the wet, dangerous road. Car horns blare loudly around me and I am oblivious to the rest of the world; to the world that is carrying on outside my head.
I don't know how long I have been walking for. It seems like forever. I can't clear my head I'm so confused. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Every heartbreak
I have ever suffered has come crashing back with revenge as I walk down this deserted sidewalk. I feel so alone. The woman that was always the reason I went to work with a smile in my heart, had, in the last few hours been the demolisher of that smile, turning it upside down until it became a weight on my instrument, pulling at the strings, daring them to snap. I feared they would snap. I feared I would crush...she had crushed my world in those few moments. She didn't have to say anything. It was the look in her eyes that had broken me. The look of distrust and disbelief, never again would I wish to see that in a person's eyes.
My legs are so tired and so is my head. If I lay down on this sidewalk I'm sure I'd sleep...
I push my legs forward, willing myself to carry on. A car sprays rainwater all over my best suit. I curse under my breath and keep moving. My whole body is shivering; I'm freezing cold and my heart is full of anguish. I don't know where to go. I can't go home, and the only other person I would have gone to, never wants to see me again. I keep on walking and see a bar at the end of the street. With everything I'm feeling at the moment, I think that looks like a good place to forget about it all, at least for tonight anyway.
Dana Knocked on Monica's apartment door. No answer. She knocked again. "Monica? It's me...Listen...we need to talk...." She waited and when no reply came, took out her spare key and opened the door. She silently stepped into the darkness and shivered. She flicked on the light switch and closed the door. "Monica?" she called, running her fingers through her soaked hair. The apartment remained silent and Dana walked to the bedroom. She pushed open the door and closed it again when she found it empty. She did the same with all the rooms and then sighed as she sat down on the soft leather sofa. She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the leather. She prayed Monica was safe and that she hadn't done anything stupid. She pictured Monica's face in her mind, the last time she had seen her eyes: the hurt in them, the shame and despair as she ran out of the office. She choked back her tears and stood up, lifting her hand to hold the cross that hung around her neck. She shivered again and walked into the bedroom. Opening the closet she pulled out a soft pink, Nicks sweater and some black shorts. She carried them into the bathroom and closed the door. After peeling off her wet work suit, she dried herself with a soft, fluffy white towel. She welcomed the warmth as she sat wrapped in the large towel on the edge of the bath. She stepped into the shorts and pulled the soft sweater over her head, it felt good on her skin and she wrapped her arms around her waist as she walked to the kitchen. She yawned as she poured a glass of milk for herself and carried it to the coffee table. She checked her watch. 9:30pm. She hadn't seen Monica for 8 hours. She'd tried phoning but she wasn't answering if she had been home and her cell phone had been switched off. Dana picked up the phone and dialled her cell number again.
"The cellular customer you are trying to reach..." she slammed the phone down.
"Damn it Monica!" she cried as she began to get even more worried.
Monica swayed on the bar stool as she talked to the tall stranger on the stool next to her. The drink in her hand sloshed out of the glass as she waved it in his face to make sure he was listening.
"Yeah, so anyway, I tell her I love her...and she...do you know what she did....do you know what she did?...well I'll tell you...she cried. She turned away from me, left me standin' there like a...like...I dunno...like a fool. I was so hurt and she just said she thought I was her friend. Of course I'm her friend....We've had a laugh , we have. We used to tell each other everything , we did....I went and spoilt it all now! " she slammed her glass down on the bar and rested her head on top of it. Her tears dripped into the vodka as she cried, making ripples like the inside of her soul. Her heart felt empty and she was sure that if she could drop a stone into it, she would never hear it touch the bottom, it would keep falling forever. Like each star that fell from the sky. She believed ever since she was a child, that every star that fell, was someone who'd had their heart broken, that their dreams were falling, their tears were falling and so were the stars...
She looked at the stranger she had just bared her life story to and sighed. "Well thanks. Thanks for listening, I gotta go now." She staggered off the stool and tapped the man on the back of his sleeping head. He snored loudly as she touched him, and then went back to his silent sleep, with his head resting on his upright elbow.
The barman called Monica a cab and she went to the bathroom while she waited for it to come. Staring in the mirror she sighed. She rested her weight against the sink, as she stood and tried to clear her head. She needed to see Dana.
I climb the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment and find that the door is unlocked. Cautiously I open it and step inside. That's when I see her. She's lying on the sofa, wearing my favourite sweater. She looks better in it than I do. I'll let her keep it if she wants it. Seeing her fills me with a mixture of emotions. Fear and Love are the most dominant. I silently shut the door and creep over to wear she's sleeping. As I sit on the edge of the coffee table and watch her sleep I am confused. She was upset, angry before...but yet she's here, sleeping in my home, wearing my clothes. I hope she can forgive me for loving her. I stroke her cheek and she moves slightly, brushes a hand against mine. I freeze. She can't wake up and find me here, watching her. Too late. She opens her eyes and sees me. I can feel my heartbeat increasing and I don't dare look at her. She sits up. Wraps her arms around her knees. She catches my gaze and tries to smile.
" I was worried about you," she groggily says. "you weren't answering your phone."
"No...I wasn't at home and my cell phone was in the car." I reply nervously.
She nods. " I brought your car home...it's a wonder you didn't catch your death..."
I shiver. I didn't feel the cold in the bar but the alcohol is wearing off and it's seeping into my bones like ghosts. " Yeah...I'm pretty cold. "
"Here..." She stands up and removes the sweater she's wearing, leaving nothing on but her black, silk bra and my shorts. *Why do you taunt me like this Dana? *
I look away and she comes and sits next to me. She takes off my wet jacket and throws it on the sofa. This isn't the reason I had imagined her taking my clothes off before but it would do...she took off my tee-shirt and went to the bathroom. She returned with my fluffy towel and wrapped it around my shoulders. I dry myself and then she puts the pink sweater over my head. When I pull it on, her face is inches from mine. I can hear her breath coming faster and her eyes are scanning my face. I recognise that look. Longing...wanting, needing. I lean forward and our lips meet. It's just as sweet as I've ever imagined it would be, if not better. She tastes so good and for a moment I can't believe this is happening. She moves closer to me and slips her tongue into my mouth, I must be dreaming this...a few hours ago she was devastated when I told her how I felt, now here she was, exploring my mouth with her tongue.
"Monica...I'm...sorry....I'll explain to...you ...later..." she gasped. I nod and run my fingers through her soft wet hair. She does the same to me and our first kiss becomes more passionate. I take her hand and lead her onto the sofa. We sit and she kisses me again. I lean on her, pushing her back until she's lying beneath me. I kiss her and then gently bite on her bottom lip. She sighs and does the same to me, holding my face between her hands as she looks up and nibbles on my lip. She looks so beautiful underneath me, her chest rising and falling heavily. I trace her flat stomach with my finger and her eyes are wide and happy. I cry as I remember her face this afternoon. She sits up and wraps me in a warm embrace. "What's wrong?" she soothes, stroking my cheek. I tell her and she rests her head on my shoulder, She turns around until she has her back to me and leans against my front. I put one arm around her small waist and I play with her hair with my other hand as she talks.
" When you told me that you were in love with me this afternoon...I...It brought up a lot of bad memories for me. I know what it's like to be in love with your best friend. I've done it before and it ended really badly. I never wanted to feel that, physical and emotional pain ever again, and when you said that today, I..I freaked out....It brought up some of my past I had tried to forget...."
I kiss the top of her head and pull her closer to me. "I'm sorry...do you want to talk about it?" I can feel her pain and feel guilty for bringing it all back up, whoever caused it must have hurt her bad.
She nods and snuggles closer to me.
" I was 21 when I met Brian. He was so sweet and funny, he took me bowling and to the movies and we got on really well. We became good friends...we didn't date, we were too close to have a sexual relationship so we remained as best friends. I dated other guys and he dated women, but I never felt happy with anyone else. In bed my mind always drifted back to Brian and his caring nature. He looked after me and after awhile I began to see him as more than a friend. Every morning, the first thing in my mind I saw was Brian. And he was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep."
I smile. I know exactly what she means. I stroke the top of her head as she continues.
" Anyway, we stayed friends for 7 years, then one day he came up to me and said. "Dana, I love you..." just the same way you did. And I told him I loved him as a friend. I was afraid of spoiling our great relationship if I told him I was in Love with him. He did it anyway, my heart melted when I heard him say those words...we kissed and became a couple. We were happy for a few months but then he started coming home late, going out drinking with his friends. " She wipes tears from her eyes and clears her throat. She takes hold of my hand and continues.
"One night, he came home at 3 in the morning. I was in bed asleep and I woke when I heard the door slam. I heard him coming up the stairs and I switched the light on. He came in and...and..."
" What Dana? " I soothe.
She is crying as she speaks. " He brought 2 of his friends home and they all, they...they...Monica, they all r...ra...raped me. Time after time after....time. They just kept coming back for more, over and over again....I was so scared...Brian was just watching...he..he..was letting them touch me and ...Oh God! " She begins to sob.
I can tell she has never told anyone before. Tears roll down my cheeks as I reassure her she is safe. She is sobbing now, repeating the same thing .
" He just sat and watched...he just...sat and watched...." I kiss her hair and she calms down until she is crying quietly. She has more to tell me, I can sense it.
" They left after about 4 hours...and I was in so much pain...Brian threatened he'd bring more round if I told anyone. I wouldn't have dared tell anybody. But he brought more anyway. After the second time, I became pregnant. I was so scared...I didn't know what to do. Brian wouldn't let me leave the house so I couldn't have an abortion. " She is talking more confidently now. She has strength in her voice that surprises me.
" One night when I made coffee, I drugged his. He fell asleep and I managed to get out. I was 7 months pregnant by then. It was too late to do anything. I moved into a woman and children shelter in Chicago and gave birth to my daughter...Hope. She was my hope, but I couldn't bear to look at her without the terrible memories coming back, so I had to give her up for adoption. I haven't seen her since the night they took her from my arms..." She fiddles with my fingers as she speaks, rubbing them and holding them. I admire her strength.
" That was 8 years ago and I still find it hard to trust people. You are the only person I have trusted since then and I'm so glad you are my best friend. I can trust women more than men...I know what men are capable of.... I dunno...men just frighten me so much whereas with you I feel safe and loved...genuinely loved...I was afraid to let myself fall for you but I couldn't help it..." she turns round and kisses my lips again. Her lips feel so soft and I can taste her salty tears. I kiss her eyes and take away her tears. My heart feels like it's about to burst...I am filled with everlasting love for this beautiful woman in my arms...I'll never let her feel pain like that again. And as we lie entwined, I can sense she feels the same way too.
Fin
Feedback: Dr.Scully_@tinyworld.co.uk
Author: Laura Gowland (sunshine_reyes)
Feedback: Gobbled up like hard-drive space. Dr.Scully_@tinyworld.co.uk
Rating: PG 13 for 2 naughty words and some hints at adult themes.
Category: Reyes Angst, RSR.
Disclaimer: Bow down to the sliver haired one....that - unfortunately - isn't me, so to my total disappointment...(awwwww) Monica Reyes and Dana Scully don't belong to me...The surfer dude owns them from their dyed hair follicles down to their pedicured toenails...Oh yeah...and I don't own Bette Midler either...and I couldn't tell you WHO owns The Divine Miss M....so don't bother suing...you'll waist an awful lot of money and get non in return...
Author's notes: This is one of the few stories I manage to complete in one go. They usually take me months and months because I give up and forget the plot...(or lose the plot somewhere along my life..:-p ) so be kind to one of the only fics that has survived the wrath of the Dreaded...."RECYCLE BIN" Argghhhhhh!!!!
Anyhoo....
Enjoy...................................
I felt like a nervous schoolgirl as I stepped out of the car in the FBI car park. . It was raining so I put up my umbrella and ran towards the doors. Shaking the droplets off the umbrella, I shivered and then walked towards the elevator. I smoothed my skirt as I pressed the button. I wore my best suit for her. Black, the jacket complimented my bust and the skirt made my legs look longer and sexier. It had a great split up the side that was smart but sexy...not too revealing, which usually left them wanting more.
My hands were shaking as I pressed the button for the basement. The elevator rumbled as it began it's descent to the room most agents would never dare venture to for fear of never returning alive...or maybe just never returning complete with their sanity.
I closed my eyes and picked at my nails nervously, removing non-existent dirt. The journey seemed to be taking an eternity and I opened my eyes with a jerk as the elevator shuddered to a grinding halt. The doors opened gracefully and without a sound. I hesitated then stepped through the doors, my shoes making a sound. Not as graceful as the elevator I thought as I 'clip-clopped' down the corridor. I felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The end of the corridor seemed to be moving further away every time I put one foot in front of the other. Then it was there. The door. I didn't know what to do. I turned to walk away and then rebuked myself for being so childish. I was a grown woman; I could do this...couldn't I? I froze outside this door. The door that would inevitably lead to my fate; Good or Bad, this door would lead me down my destined path. I was afraid. I felt like my heart was on a path of it's own: straight through my chest. I could have sworn she would be able to hear it beating through the door. Taking a deep breath I lifted my trembling hand to the door. I brought it back down and laughed nervously. *Get a grip Monica...this is your office. You don't need to knock...* I told myself.
I grabbed the handle and twisted. The door opened and I could smell Dana's perfume immediately. I breathed it in and walked over to my desk. She looked up from her own and flashed a wide toothy smile.
" Afternoon Mon, you want some coffee? " I shook my head. She stood up and took off her jacket. " Even though it's raining, It's so hot in here today, I'll have to ask them to fix the air conditioning again."
I tore my gaze away from her stunning body. She looked good in that top. " I'm starting to feel the heat." I said, biting on my bottom lip.
She smiled and then sat down again. "What's wrong Mon? You don't look so good. Are you sick?" she sounded concerned. Any other time I would have craved for her sweet affection but at this very moment I felt like running away and hiding. Why was it, when I was so close to something, it seemed like the most frightening thing in the world? I sat on the edge of my desk and smiled. "I'm fine. Just got a headache, that's all."
"Have you had any pills for it?" she rested her fist underneath her chin and looked up at me. *God, why are you so beautiful?* Her ice blue eyes were filled with concern for me and I was about to either replace that concern with happiness or with tears of sadness. *Please God...don't let it be the latter* I thought as she wet her lips with the tip of her tongue. I loved the way she always did that. I shook my head. "I had some, umm, a couple of hours ago but they...umm, they don't seem to have worked." I stuttered.
She wrinkled her brow and traced her bottom lip with her manicured finger. "I have some in my bag I think. You should take two more. Hang on." She bent down under the desk and I bit on my lower lip again as her top revealed her cleavage. Her red hair fell loosely onto her face as she sat back down and opened the box of pills. With a delicate stroke of her hand she swept it behind her ear and smoothed down the back.
"Here you go." She smiled, handing me the pills.
"Thanks. I'll just go get some water." I said, smiling back.
"No, just take them with a sip of my coffee, save you walking all the way up there." She held out her Mug and I took it. Her lipstick mark was on the rim and I quickly put the tablets in my mouth and swallowed them with a mouthful of delicious coffee. I gave her back her coffee and then searched my soul for the right words... "Dana..."
I began, and finished. My soul didn't know what to say either. She looked up. *Take a deep breath Monica...* I ordered myself.
I picked at invisible threads on the hem of my skirt and then looked into her eyes. *Here we go...*
" Dana....I...I love you." I said, pulling my gaze away. Afraid to look into her eyes.
" Awww, I love you too Mon, you're my best friend." She stood up and walked over. I held back tears of frustration as she hugged me. " I don't know what I'd do without you."
She smelled really good. " No Dana...you don't understand...I..I'm in love with you..." I felt her go stiff in my arms. She fell silent and started to move away. I searched her face for signs, anything to let me know what was running through her mind. She was staring at the floor and her face was pale. A tear escaped down her cheek and bounced onto the floor.
" Well say something...please..." I whispered. I don't know if she heard me but she remained silent anyway. She staggered back and sat down in her chair. She slowly began to shake her head and her lips were moving but no sound was coming out.
I didn't know what to do. I looked at her but she was still staring at the uninteresting floor. I couldn't stand this any longer, I turned to leave but she began to speak.
" I...I thought you were my...friend. Monica...I never expected this... I...Oh God..."
An immense pain filled my heart and I ran. Ran as fast as I could to the elevator and caught the tears falling from my blind eyes. She had been my only light all these years and now she had snatched it away, blowing out the candle that burned in my heart. I staggered into the elevator and punched the button. Once the doors were closed I slid to the floor: my face hidden in my hands and my heart, exposed and beaten on the cold floor. I cried for all the things could have been and I cried for what I had just lost... my best friend. Even if she ever decided to speak to me again, we would never have that special bond, that bond that made us inseparable, that allowed us to trust each other with every aspect of our lives. The elevator stopped and a trail of mascara covered my hand as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I choked back more tears and looked up at a large group of Agents. *Shit. How long have they been stood there?* I feared as I stood up and smoothed down my suit. A small female Agent ran towards me and took my arm. " Are you alright Agent Reyes? " she asked.
" I'm fine. Fine, fine...fucking fine." I said, walking towards the front door. I hung my head in shame and heard them whispering about me. *Goddamn silent elevator doors...* I cursed.
The rain was pouring heavier as I pushed open the doors and stepped into the parking lot. I let the cool drops soak my hair and face. That felt good but nothing could take away the overwhelming depression I felt in my heart. On the way here I had been filled with burning passion for Dana Scully, but now all I felt was emptiness...loneliness, desperation. I needed her. I wish I could turn back the clock and just be her friend. At least then I'd still be close to her, still be the only person she trusted. How could she trust me now when I came out and said that? It shocked her...she had no idea, and yet she thought I shared all my secrets with her...It was killing me keeping this from her. 3 years. 3 years of wanting and needing. 3 years of watching and longing...knowing I had to wait. I needn't have bothered.
I walked slowly towards my car and reached into my jacket pocket. Nothing. My keys were on my desk. There was no way I was going back in there. I turned and headed towards the exit. I'd walk. I didn't know where but I'd walk somewhere.
Dana looked up, tears in her eyes and noticed the keys lying on Monica's desk. She grabbed them and dashed out of the door, skidding as she went. She caught her balance and then jammed her fist against the elevator button. She stepped inside and played with the keys unconsciously. The doors closed and she leaned against the wall, resting her head on the cold metal. Tears dripped off her chin and she let them fall. Suddenly the elevator came to an abrupt stop and the doors opened. She wiped her face and tried to compose herself as two male agents stepped inside and smiled. She forced a false smile and then walked past them, her face hidden by the hair that fell forward as she lowered her head. The doors closed behind her and she dashed towards the main entrance. She stared out into the rain, scanning the car park for that familiar face, the only face she had ever fully trusted. She saw Monica's car and flung the front door open, running towards it, hoping to catch her. She reached the car and pressed hands and face against the window. No sign of her. She stood up straight and spun round, searching the car park. Her drenched hair hung heavily around her puffy red eyes and she pulled it back off her face, her salty tears mingling with the cool rain water and dripping off the tip of her nose. She could taste the salt in her mouth as she silently cried in the middle of the deserted, soaking wet car park.
The only sounds I can hear are the rain as it pounds on the sidewalk around me and my thoughts, screaming at me, coming all at once, confusing me. How could I have been so stupid to think that she would, even could ever love me? I should have left it the way things were. Wanting from a distance...she felt comfortable with me then. Needing from a distance...she loved me as a friend. How could I have been blind to her signals? She wanted, needed my friendship...not anything more, just my trust and support as a friend. I have ruined that now. She'll never want to see me again after today, the worst day of my entire life. I don't even notice the road full of cars racing around on the wet, dangerous road. Car horns blare loudly around me and I am oblivious to the rest of the world; to the world that is carrying on outside my head.
I don't know how long I have been walking for. It seems like forever. I can't clear my head I'm so confused. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Every heartbreak
I have ever suffered has come crashing back with revenge as I walk down this deserted sidewalk. I feel so alone. The woman that was always the reason I went to work with a smile in my heart, had, in the last few hours been the demolisher of that smile, turning it upside down until it became a weight on my instrument, pulling at the strings, daring them to snap. I feared they would snap. I feared I would crush...she had crushed my world in those few moments. She didn't have to say anything. It was the look in her eyes that had broken me. The look of distrust and disbelief, never again would I wish to see that in a person's eyes.
My legs are so tired and so is my head. If I lay down on this sidewalk I'm sure I'd sleep...
I push my legs forward, willing myself to carry on. A car sprays rainwater all over my best suit. I curse under my breath and keep moving. My whole body is shivering; I'm freezing cold and my heart is full of anguish. I don't know where to go. I can't go home, and the only other person I would have gone to, never wants to see me again. I keep on walking and see a bar at the end of the street. With everything I'm feeling at the moment, I think that looks like a good place to forget about it all, at least for tonight anyway.
Dana Knocked on Monica's apartment door. No answer. She knocked again. "Monica? It's me...Listen...we need to talk...." She waited and when no reply came, took out her spare key and opened the door. She silently stepped into the darkness and shivered. She flicked on the light switch and closed the door. "Monica?" she called, running her fingers through her soaked hair. The apartment remained silent and Dana walked to the bedroom. She pushed open the door and closed it again when she found it empty. She did the same with all the rooms and then sighed as she sat down on the soft leather sofa. She closed her eyes and rested her head back against the leather. She prayed Monica was safe and that she hadn't done anything stupid. She pictured Monica's face in her mind, the last time she had seen her eyes: the hurt in them, the shame and despair as she ran out of the office. She choked back her tears and stood up, lifting her hand to hold the cross that hung around her neck. She shivered again and walked into the bedroom. Opening the closet she pulled out a soft pink, Nicks sweater and some black shorts. She carried them into the bathroom and closed the door. After peeling off her wet work suit, she dried herself with a soft, fluffy white towel. She welcomed the warmth as she sat wrapped in the large towel on the edge of the bath. She stepped into the shorts and pulled the soft sweater over her head, it felt good on her skin and she wrapped her arms around her waist as she walked to the kitchen. She yawned as she poured a glass of milk for herself and carried it to the coffee table. She checked her watch. 9:30pm. She hadn't seen Monica for 8 hours. She'd tried phoning but she wasn't answering if she had been home and her cell phone had been switched off. Dana picked up the phone and dialled her cell number again.
"The cellular customer you are trying to reach..." she slammed the phone down.
"Damn it Monica!" she cried as she began to get even more worried.
Monica swayed on the bar stool as she talked to the tall stranger on the stool next to her. The drink in her hand sloshed out of the glass as she waved it in his face to make sure he was listening.
"Yeah, so anyway, I tell her I love her...and she...do you know what she did....do you know what she did?...well I'll tell you...she cried. She turned away from me, left me standin' there like a...like...I dunno...like a fool. I was so hurt and she just said she thought I was her friend. Of course I'm her friend....We've had a laugh , we have. We used to tell each other everything , we did....I went and spoilt it all now! " she slammed her glass down on the bar and rested her head on top of it. Her tears dripped into the vodka as she cried, making ripples like the inside of her soul. Her heart felt empty and she was sure that if she could drop a stone into it, she would never hear it touch the bottom, it would keep falling forever. Like each star that fell from the sky. She believed ever since she was a child, that every star that fell, was someone who'd had their heart broken, that their dreams were falling, their tears were falling and so were the stars...
She looked at the stranger she had just bared her life story to and sighed. "Well thanks. Thanks for listening, I gotta go now." She staggered off the stool and tapped the man on the back of his sleeping head. He snored loudly as she touched him, and then went back to his silent sleep, with his head resting on his upright elbow.
The barman called Monica a cab and she went to the bathroom while she waited for it to come. Staring in the mirror she sighed. She rested her weight against the sink, as she stood and tried to clear her head. She needed to see Dana.
I climb the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment and find that the door is unlocked. Cautiously I open it and step inside. That's when I see her. She's lying on the sofa, wearing my favourite sweater. She looks better in it than I do. I'll let her keep it if she wants it. Seeing her fills me with a mixture of emotions. Fear and Love are the most dominant. I silently shut the door and creep over to wear she's sleeping. As I sit on the edge of the coffee table and watch her sleep I am confused. She was upset, angry before...but yet she's here, sleeping in my home, wearing my clothes. I hope she can forgive me for loving her. I stroke her cheek and she moves slightly, brushes a hand against mine. I freeze. She can't wake up and find me here, watching her. Too late. She opens her eyes and sees me. I can feel my heartbeat increasing and I don't dare look at her. She sits up. Wraps her arms around her knees. She catches my gaze and tries to smile.
" I was worried about you," she groggily says. "you weren't answering your phone."
"No...I wasn't at home and my cell phone was in the car." I reply nervously.
She nods. " I brought your car home...it's a wonder you didn't catch your death..."
I shiver. I didn't feel the cold in the bar but the alcohol is wearing off and it's seeping into my bones like ghosts. " Yeah...I'm pretty cold. "
"Here..." She stands up and removes the sweater she's wearing, leaving nothing on but her black, silk bra and my shorts. *Why do you taunt me like this Dana? *
I look away and she comes and sits next to me. She takes off my wet jacket and throws it on the sofa. This isn't the reason I had imagined her taking my clothes off before but it would do...she took off my tee-shirt and went to the bathroom. She returned with my fluffy towel and wrapped it around my shoulders. I dry myself and then she puts the pink sweater over my head. When I pull it on, her face is inches from mine. I can hear her breath coming faster and her eyes are scanning my face. I recognise that look. Longing...wanting, needing. I lean forward and our lips meet. It's just as sweet as I've ever imagined it would be, if not better. She tastes so good and for a moment I can't believe this is happening. She moves closer to me and slips her tongue into my mouth, I must be dreaming this...a few hours ago she was devastated when I told her how I felt, now here she was, exploring my mouth with her tongue.
"Monica...I'm...sorry....I'll explain to...you ...later..." she gasped. I nod and run my fingers through her soft wet hair. She does the same to me and our first kiss becomes more passionate. I take her hand and lead her onto the sofa. We sit and she kisses me again. I lean on her, pushing her back until she's lying beneath me. I kiss her and then gently bite on her bottom lip. She sighs and does the same to me, holding my face between her hands as she looks up and nibbles on my lip. She looks so beautiful underneath me, her chest rising and falling heavily. I trace her flat stomach with my finger and her eyes are wide and happy. I cry as I remember her face this afternoon. She sits up and wraps me in a warm embrace. "What's wrong?" she soothes, stroking my cheek. I tell her and she rests her head on my shoulder, She turns around until she has her back to me and leans against my front. I put one arm around her small waist and I play with her hair with my other hand as she talks.
" When you told me that you were in love with me this afternoon...I...It brought up a lot of bad memories for me. I know what it's like to be in love with your best friend. I've done it before and it ended really badly. I never wanted to feel that, physical and emotional pain ever again, and when you said that today, I..I freaked out....It brought up some of my past I had tried to forget...."
I kiss the top of her head and pull her closer to me. "I'm sorry...do you want to talk about it?" I can feel her pain and feel guilty for bringing it all back up, whoever caused it must have hurt her bad.
She nods and snuggles closer to me.
" I was 21 when I met Brian. He was so sweet and funny, he took me bowling and to the movies and we got on really well. We became good friends...we didn't date, we were too close to have a sexual relationship so we remained as best friends. I dated other guys and he dated women, but I never felt happy with anyone else. In bed my mind always drifted back to Brian and his caring nature. He looked after me and after awhile I began to see him as more than a friend. Every morning, the first thing in my mind I saw was Brian. And he was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep."
I smile. I know exactly what she means. I stroke the top of her head as she continues.
" Anyway, we stayed friends for 7 years, then one day he came up to me and said. "Dana, I love you..." just the same way you did. And I told him I loved him as a friend. I was afraid of spoiling our great relationship if I told him I was in Love with him. He did it anyway, my heart melted when I heard him say those words...we kissed and became a couple. We were happy for a few months but then he started coming home late, going out drinking with his friends. " She wipes tears from her eyes and clears her throat. She takes hold of my hand and continues.
"One night, he came home at 3 in the morning. I was in bed asleep and I woke when I heard the door slam. I heard him coming up the stairs and I switched the light on. He came in and...and..."
" What Dana? " I soothe.
She is crying as she speaks. " He brought 2 of his friends home and they all, they...they...Monica, they all r...ra...raped me. Time after time after....time. They just kept coming back for more, over and over again....I was so scared...Brian was just watching...he..he..was letting them touch me and ...Oh God! " She begins to sob.
I can tell she has never told anyone before. Tears roll down my cheeks as I reassure her she is safe. She is sobbing now, repeating the same thing .
" He just sat and watched...he just...sat and watched...." I kiss her hair and she calms down until she is crying quietly. She has more to tell me, I can sense it.
" They left after about 4 hours...and I was in so much pain...Brian threatened he'd bring more round if I told anyone. I wouldn't have dared tell anybody. But he brought more anyway. After the second time, I became pregnant. I was so scared...I didn't know what to do. Brian wouldn't let me leave the house so I couldn't have an abortion. " She is talking more confidently now. She has strength in her voice that surprises me.
" One night when I made coffee, I drugged his. He fell asleep and I managed to get out. I was 7 months pregnant by then. It was too late to do anything. I moved into a woman and children shelter in Chicago and gave birth to my daughter...Hope. She was my hope, but I couldn't bear to look at her without the terrible memories coming back, so I had to give her up for adoption. I haven't seen her since the night they took her from my arms..." She fiddles with my fingers as she speaks, rubbing them and holding them. I admire her strength.
" That was 8 years ago and I still find it hard to trust people. You are the only person I have trusted since then and I'm so glad you are my best friend. I can trust women more than men...I know what men are capable of.... I dunno...men just frighten me so much whereas with you I feel safe and loved...genuinely loved...I was afraid to let myself fall for you but I couldn't help it..." she turns round and kisses my lips again. Her lips feel so soft and I can taste her salty tears. I kiss her eyes and take away her tears. My heart feels like it's about to burst...I am filled with everlasting love for this beautiful woman in my arms...I'll never let her feel pain like that again. And as we lie entwined, I can sense she feels the same way too.
Fin
Feedback: Dr.Scully_@tinyworld.co.uk