I do not own Gundam Wing.
Beyond the Eyes: Heero
Heero woke slowly, his senses adjusting to his surroundings. His mind
felt stuffed with cotton and thinking was an effort but he fought the feelings off.
The last thing he remembered was losing conciseness during a battle. He had
been surrounded, his gundam hard hit. He knew at the time that he had suffered
some internal injuries but he could not stop, he and the other pilots had to
gain the advantage. A deep gash that ran down his arm cost him the use of it,
and Wing Zero's movements began to slow. No matter what odds though he had
refused to stop. Duo eventually tried to forcefully remove him from the battle
but he would not quit. Even if he were to die in this battle what difference
would it make? He was a soldier, a fighting machine with no purpose except
that.
Opening his eyes Heero looked about, he was lying in a stark room bare of
all furnishings save the bed he lay in and the IV that ran to his left arm. He
noticed almost immediately that the room's walls held no windows and the
ventilation shaft was too small for him to fit through. He wondered briefly if
they had lost, and he was within the hands of the enemy, he shrugged. It didn't
matter either way to him. Propping himself up on his left elbow, Heero ignored
the pain that lanced through him and removed the IV from his arm. As he let it
drop to the floor he could feel the eyes upon him, and glanced up seeing the
camera that watched his every move.
He rose from the bed and found himself stripped to the waist. Though
still wearing his blue jeans bandages covered his chest and right arm but he
paid them no mind as he carefully studied the room around him. Looking at the
door he thought it seemed strangely designed though familiar. Walking up to it
he realised why. The solid metal of the door was smooth and seamless; he knew
instantly that it was a design used at the Perventers base. It could only be
opened from the other side. He cursed silently and wondered why it was that
they thought it necessary for him to be locked within the room. No answers were
forth coming, though a sixth sense told him something was up.
The past months the other gundam pilots had begun to look towards their
respective futures. They talked often of their lives outside the battlefield,
and it was a conversation that Heero never took part in. His life was the
battlefield. Having destroyed the majority of the rebellion's soldiers, the war
was almost at an end, but still there were battles to be fought and won, and
for Heero that was the only thing he lived for. Long gone was his humanity,
destroyed out of necessity. His past was forgotten and he cared not for his
future, he was simply, now and forever, the Perfect Soldier.
He knew that Duo talked about him behind his back with the other pilots,
though he knew not what it was about. He did not care, very little in the world
roused his feelings anymore, he had distanced himself from everyone without
thought. He was so used to the walls and barriers that he hardly noticed them
anymore and the other pilots seemed to accept his distance, at least on the
outside, though Duo was reluctant. Heero did not fear death, he never had, it
was a fact of life, one that he now looked forward to. That was not to say that
he was suicidal, only that he was willing to take greater risks with his life
with less thought.
He was brought out of his deep contemplation as someone entered the room.
His Prussian blue eyes focused upon Sally, as she silently walked in her eyes
watching him carefully. Heero moved to the other side of the room leaning
against the wall, eyes following her every move warily. Why had he been brought
to this room? The question came to the forefront of his mind, and he was sure
that Sally knew the reason, though he did not ask. He said nothing. She moved
towards him but, seeing the dangerous glint in his eyes, decided against coming
any closer.
"Leave it to you to be up the next day." She said trying a cheerful
smile; Heero turned his eyes away arms folding across his chest. "How are you
feeling?" He made no response. From the corner of his eye Heero could see the
look of puzzlement that passed across her face. Months before he would have
responded with some noncommittal sound at least, but even that trait had been
lost as Heero drew deeper into himself. Her eyes studied him a few moments
longer then she silently left the room, an assistant holding the door open for
her.
Heero pushed himself away from the wall his thoughts turning inward once
again. He could feel it. Something was going to happen. What did they have
planed? He wondered silently, what is it they are trying to accomplish? It was
already a given that Duo was behind all of this. Heero could have cared less
though; nothing they tried would change him. He had carefully destroyed every
bit of humanity left within him, though it did little to help. Still his hours
of sleep where plagued by the nightmares that haunted him during the day
without mercy. Try as he might to forget, those memories returned time and
again, and no barrier he built would protect him.
He did not know for how long he paced the length of his small prison, his
mind lost in unpleasant thoughts and memories. He simply could not forget the
day, forever etched in his mind. As he paced the room he fought an unseen
battle, trying with only minimal successes to force the memories away. Turning
back towards the door, Heero noticed it open once more. He stopped and waited.
Though they were carefully built Heero's walls and barriers were not prepared
for who walked through the door; his Prussian eyes fell upon Relena, her small
form trembling slightly as she let the door close behind her. She was as
beautiful as Heero remembered, though the memories were small and short-lived.
Heero locked eyes with the small woman before him and momentarily his
walls and barriers collapsed completely, as emotion raged though him. Despite
all the carnage that he had committed, in that instant Heero wanted nothing
more than to gently hug her. To hold and protect her as if she were glass. Once
more his feelings of being the only one who could possibly protect her came
forward, and he felt a love for her too strong to put into words. All this from
simply looking into those crystal blue eyes. Then the moment was gone as Heero
fought to place himself behind his walls. He broke eye contact, not wanting for
the moment to happen again. He was no longer human. Moving to the other side of
the room Heero once again leaned against the wall, folding his arms
protectively across his chest.
For a time nothing was said. Relena leaned against the door watching him
as if she couldn't believe he was actually standing before her. Heero took the
moment to look at her without making eye contact. The instant he took in her
honey blonde hair and delicate figure, the memories in his mind exploded
forward and all he could see was the small girl with her puppy. All smiles, her
life entirely carefree, that was until he ripped it from her. The pain of her
death seared him sharply but he forced it aside, and made himself look Relena
in the eyes, seeing her and not the little girl. He kept his face
expressionless as he studied her, the silence deepening.
"How are you feeling?" He noticed absently that her words mirrored
Sally's, and again he made no response. His mind was clouded with the images of
the little girl. This time the life had been torn from her delicate body; her
dog lay near by also lifeless. Heero shook his head finding it hard to keep the
memory from his thoughts. It was this that had been haunting him over the
years. "It's been so long" she seemed to speak to herself, he watched her
Prussian eyes intent.
"Why did you come?" his voice was like death even in his ears, and he
could see a look of despair in her crystal eyes.
"It's been eight months, Duo told me you were injured and I…I just wanted
to make sure you were all right." Her eyes never left his.
"Duo…" he said the name softly. He had know that the pilot had been
behind all of this, but behind what? He could not help asking himself. Why send
Relena? As she had already said they had not seen each other for eight months.
Was it because they hoped she would be able to bring the Heero Yuy of the past
back? If that was what they believed they were mistaken. That person was dead
and though he wanted to fall into her endless eyes he fought against it,
unwilling to give in.
Relena seemed to see his internal battle on his face though he tried to
keep his features blank. "They're worried about you."
His head came up quickly eyes locking on her; "Worried for me?" A half
smirk crept onto his face though he did not let it touch his eyes. "They should
worry for their own lives. Mine means nothing to the world." He made it a
simple statement of fact wanting no sympathy from her.
He watched without emotion as a single tear fell from one of her crystal
eyes, "Heero your wrong, every life has meaning if not for that person, than
for the one who loves him." Her voice was adamant and she locked eyes with him.
He clearly understood how she felt towards him though he would not let his
feeling, which he thought dead and buried, come to the surface.
"Hands as bloodied as mine could never handle so beautiful a dove." He
whispered the words knowing not were they came from, but they only helped to
strengthen his resolve, as he continued to watch her. He tried to give no
outward reaction as the girl and her dog flooded his mind laughing mockingly at
him from their deathbeds. His anger grew and he shoved them once more to the
back of his mind, his eyes becoming even harder. "I am the Perfect Soldier."
A similar look of anger passed across Relena's face neither of them
moved, "What is that supposed to mean?! That your humanity is gone?"
The answer he gave was lacking all emotion and even surprised him
slightly, "Dead and buried."
She moved towards him her anger seeming to take control, "You lie. I have seen it, in your eyes when you look at me.
Though you try and bury it, I have seen it."
Anger welled up within him, he wished only for her to go away, her
staying was not making this any better. His voice never rose, "What difference
dose it make?"
"What difference?" she seemed very close to tears
now, "All the difference in the world! Your
life means something to the other gundam pilots and myself. They look upon you
as a brother, haven't you noticed?"
His anger flared anew; did they think him incapable of looking after
himself? He would not have made it this far had he not been able. "I need no
help."
Tears streamed openly from her eyes now but her voice did not lose its
edge, "Your first mistake. Not even you can make it through life alone, no
matter how hard you try. They taught you to be a perfect soldier, and I'd kill
them myself if I could. There is not a person alive who deserves what has been
done to you."
Something of her words filtered through the barriers, touching him,
causing emotions to surface that he had thought long dead. They coursed through
him ,gaining strength. They abolished the barriers he had formed and once more
his love for Relena flooded through him, but he fought it off throwing it into
the deep recesses of his mind. He allowed himself to become the perfect
soldier. "You chose the wrong person to care for."
Heero watched impassively as Relena shook her head in frustration, her
tears flying from her eyes. "What right do you have to make that decision for
me?!" She looked into his eyes, hers now determined. There was no longer fear
or anger in their crystalline surfaces, "I love you." He made no response to
her statement and watched as hurt spread across her face.
And again the memories of the little girl raced to the forefront of his
mind stealing away his vision. He tried to fight her, but nothing worked. She
would not leave him this time. His voice was harder than death as he spoke, for
a moment seeing Relena. "You remind me of her…"
She seemed confused "Who Heero?"
The bloodied form of the girl filled his thoughts again, and he looked
away hoping that he would be able to bring her once more under control if he
was not looking at Relena. "After what I did I don't deserve your love."
"Damit Heero you're no monster! You're a human being, why won't you see
that?!"
"Am I not a monster? When I look at you I remember…" He stopped speaking
for doing so seemed to give the girl more power over him, searing his mind with
her mocking laughter.
Her voice becoming desperate Relena pleaded with him, ""Who do I remind
you of Heero?! What is it that haunts you?! What is it that drives you to your
death?!"
The images would not leave, and Heero's anger and frustration rose,
causing him to burst out "How many more time must I kill her?!!! TELL
ME!!!…How many?…" The words were strangely familiar to him, but he could not think of were
he had first said them or to who. His mind and eyes too flooded with pain to
see. Heero turned away from Relena trying again to force the memories down, and
regain his composure.
Relena stepped up beside him and laid one had upon his arm, he flinched
away from her soft touch, it reminded him too much of humanity, something he
had worked very hard to destroy. Her voice was as soft as her touch, "Heero I
don't understand. But I do know that there is nothing that you could have done
that would make me stop loving you." Still he gave her no reaction refusing to
meet her gaze, which he could feel upon him.
Finally he did look at her and the little girl did not play in front of
his vision. Instead the barriers threatened to crumble, and he knew that his
eyes showed emotion he did not wish to reveal. "Put the past behind you Heero,
learn to trust us." She whispered softly to him sobbing as she did.
He ran a hand through his unruly hair, feeling the walls weaken even
more. He tried to build them up but they did not respond. "It is not so
simple." With a gentleness that had not been their moments before Heero brushed
away her tears his own voice becoming soft, "I will not risk losing someone
again."
She looked straight into his eyes, "Then that person is already lost to
you. Please Heero don't force me away, I don't want to lose you." The walls and
barriers crumbled at her plea and Heero found himself once more filled with his
love for her. Carefully he brought her to him, placing his lips upon her own,
and he could feel her love flood through him. He gently pulled back, barriers
of a different kind now in place. The kind that had been present so many years
back when he and Relena had first met.
For the other pilots they would see the Heero Yuy they had once known.
For Relena he would show her anything she pleased. She had never given up on
him and he could see in her tear filled eyes that she never would. Leaning down
his whispered, "I love you." And pulled her again into his warm embrace
capturing her lips in a deep kiss. She had returned his humanity to him,
something he believed could never be found again. The moment she had walked
through the door Heero realised her eyes had said it all.
The End.