This
fic features Buffy and Dawn in a post-Forever fic. Glory is still out there
though she's not featured in this story. This is the calm before the storm of
Spiral if you like, when the girls have a quiet chance to grief, together.
Spoilers for up to Forever.
Rating Pg. Heavy on the angst.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
Feedback: Always gratefully appreciated.
Feel free to flame. I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Jaywalk@eircom.net
In
the Silence of a Splintered Heart.
Buffy
slid her hand across the picture frame, slender fingers tracing the outline of
the soft smiling face of her mother. Feet huddled beneath her, the slayer
stared, bewitched by the photograph of a young Joyce grinning at someone or
something off camera.
Another mystery.
I don't know where this was taken. I'll
never know.
The truth occurred simply, its clarity
overwhelming. So much left undone. Unsaid.
"Buffy?"
She
lowered the frame, turning her head expectantly toward the foot of the
staircase. Her small sister stood there, one hand clutching the banister, her
small face flushed from sleep, her eyes glinting in the darkness of the
hallway, unnaturally bright.
"What
is it, sweetheart?"
Dawn
shrugged, her slim shoulders slumped.
"I woke up, you weren't in your room. I thought maybe you were out
on patrol."
"Nightmare?"
Buffy guessed softly, trailing her eyes over her sister's paling face.
Her
pale, tiny, grief wrought face.
Dawn
mustered a self-conscious smile, looking terribly young in her pajamas; tousled
hair flung over one shoulder. "Something like that."
Buffy
smiled gently, patting the cushion beside her. "Come here."
The
younger girl relinquished her grip on the banister and padded across the room.
She sank into the sofa, her back straight, eyes fixed on the mantelpiece. The
dull ache in her chest starting to throb, Buffy reached out and carefully
smoothed her sister's hair, untangling tiny knots.
"Wanna tell me about it?"
She
watched Dawn shake her head, grim determination settling on the girl's face.
This was Dawn's latest battle tactic against grief.
Ignore
it.
Have horrible stomach churning nightmares
about your dead mother and ignore them.
If only, Buffy mused sadly, it was that
easy. If only any part was easy.
Instead, hollow inside, she got to watch her
sister struggle through every crippling day, motherless and alone.
Dawn was always alone.
"I couldn't sleep either," Buffy
confided, her hand stilled, resting on Dawn's bony shoulder. "I tried but
I kept dreaming."
Staring straight ahead, Dawn asked listlessly.
"What about?"
Familiar grief wrapped itself around Buffy,
smothering her. "About her." Her eyes drifted back to the photograph,
her voice that of a strangers. "I hear her. She's trying to tell me
something and I can't make it out. I can't make her out." She tightened
her lips, her mother's voice suddenly, achingly clear.
A thousand memories.
A thousand yesterdays.
Beside her, Dawn swallowed and heaved a
deep breath into her lungs. "I dream too," she offered in that flat
voice. "I dream about her and I wake up and there's nothing. I'm all
nothing."
Buffy closed her eyes against the battering
storm, grief possessing every part of her. Gripping her being, owning her.
"I know," she whispered.
"I can't feel anything." Dawn
said slowly, flat meaning dug into each word. "Everything is numb. I look
inside myself and I'm hollow, I'm …"
"Empty." Her sister whispered.
Dawn's gaze remained gripped by the
photograph on the mantel, three smiling Summers. "I can't remember how to
smile Buffy, I can't remember anything except this feeling of nothing."
"You will," Buffy promised,
"It will fade."
"No."
"It will. I know Dawn, I've lost
people I've loved."
Dawn shook her head, dismissing these alms.
"Angel came back."
Buffy nodded sadly. "He did. But I
lost him forever first. It gets easier Dawnie."
"How can it? She's everywhere."
Dawn burst out suddenly, her voice strangled. "She's all around us, in the
sofa, in the carpet and the curtains and the kitchen. She's everywhere and
she's nowhere. I want her Buffy. I want her so badly and I don't care what the
priest says or Giles or anyone. She wants us. She wants to be here with us. She
wouldn't ever want to leave us."
Dawn turned, hot tears streaking her
cheeks, lips trembling. "She belongs with us. She's watching us now and
her heart is broken and we're broken and this can't be fixed Buffy. We can't be
fixed."
Buffy nodded, unable to speak as Dawn fell
against her, her head slipping to the slayer's lap.
"I know Dawnie. I know," She
managed to whisper, clasping the smaller girl's hand. "I know but you're
wrong Dawn. She'll fix us." Buffy hitched a breath, a yearning for her
mother stealing her soul. "We'll do it together Dawn. We'll do it together
and she'll fix us, I promise."
They sat in the living room, surrounded by
their mother as the morning approached and day began.
