Title: Mutton.
Disclaimer: The characters of Withnail and Marwood (The 'I' of the title) were originally portrayed by Richard. E. Grant and Paul McGann in the 1985 Handmade productions film 'Withnail and I'. Written and directed by Bruce Robinson.
Author: clarrie
Notes: This scene is an alternate to the 'fishing scene'. It takes place just after Withnail observes that there are '20,000 fucking sheep up on that volcano'.
'Pale blue eyes' by Velvet Underground plays in the background. We stare down the barrel of a shotgun. It swings down revealing Withnail, wild eyed and swaying. Camera pan out to reveal Marwood standing unsteadily beside him. Shift angle to reveal that they are facing a field of unhealthy looking sheep. Fade music.
Marwood: (voiceover) In book terms, if Danny was '101 things a boy can make and do' then Withnail was 'Justine'. Vicious, ill crafted and entirely dependant for it's creation on a decadent aristocracy in straightened circumstances.
The herbivorous life was not for him. Within the vast neo-Gothic sprawl of his subconscious generations of Withnails cried out for bloodied sustenance.
As these lines are being spoken, we see that Withnail has been taking aim at the luckless sheep. He lets off both barrels. Without noticeable effect.
He takes aim again, tilting his head in order for Marwood to insert a bottle in his mouth, the gun swings wildly as he gulps down the alcohol before turning his attention back to his prey.
Withnail: Mutton! Fresh Penryth lamb! (Gunshot -reload) Hundreds of the poxy creatures, we'll eat like kings!
He swings the gun wildly again.
React! You cretinous mammals! Bastarding, indestructible, afghan clad swine! (gunshot - reload) Die!
Marwood flinches, and waves his arms nervously as the barrel of the gun swings back towards him.
Marwood: Watch it, Watch it! Withnail, why don't we go home? Go back to London if you want, eh? We- We can cash our cheques and see about getting -
Withnail: (yelling) I will not be defeated by MEAT!
A sheep bleats
Did you hear that? The woolly fuckers are mocking me! Throw something!
Marwood: What?!
Withnail: Throw something. Stir them up. Divide and conquer.
His eyes gleam, delighted with his cunning and seemingly oblivious to the fact that if his gunplay has failed to cause the sheep to stampede, it is unlikely that anything Marwood might throw would.
Withnail: (hissing) Go on.
Marwood half-heartedly tosses the bottle at the sheep. They remain unmoved.
Marwood: Withnail! The farmer....
Withnail: Fuck the farmer! He should thank us! We're testing his security.
Gunshot - Withnail begins to attempt to reload but fumbles due to his reluctance to take his gaze away from the sheep.
Oh yes, His defences might be sufficient to keep out the local turnip munchers but we'll see how the bastard fares against - AARGH!
He bellows and throws the gun into the field in frustration.
Marwood: (clutching at Withnail's sleeve as Withnail bends to pick up the gun) Withnail, the farmer....
Shift camera angle to show that the farmer, drawn by the sound of gunfire, is proceeding angrily towards them. The pair turn and run away down the hill, Withnail skidding on a patch of sheep detritus still clutching the gun above his head. Fade up music. Fade out scene.