Love Unspoken
I gazed at the stars. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her. The way she smiled, her marvelous green eyes… and his own cowardice. I loved her, that was plain clear, then why the hell had I never been able to tell her, to really tell her?
Memories came back, of the time she was by my side.
I had looked in disbelief at the girl that had just slapped him. Nice, I'd seen better. But why had she been so angry at me? And then the column of light came, dragging her to Gaea, to my world and to my heart.
Then, the forest, the sight of her between Allen's arms. Anger had swelled into my heart. How dared someone touch her, don't say hurt her? My first move had been to make the bastard pay, not even thinking of what I was doing.
And Allen had knocked me down. As easy as that.
My next memory was from his rescue, at the Zaibachian fortress. Her lovely face, a worried expression in it, as she warned me of the danger behind me.
Six meters. Just to think that she had jumped the chasm to warn me made my whole frame shake. What if she had fallen? She hadn't even though of it at the moment, but just the possibility had prevented my sleep for several nights.
Asturia. I could still see her wearing that silly dress Millerna had given her. It was too big for her, at least in my opinion, but she looked disturbingly 'cute' wearing it.
Why had I left the castle? Why had I ran after Folken?
I had just endangered my life. I remembered how it felt, to be in her arms. It had shocked me so much, to feel her so close, that it took me some time just to get a grip and notice what had happened.
She had saved my life again. I could see the hole the guymelef's claw had left on the bridge.
I turned in her embrace to look at her face. Her eyes were wide, and she was extremely pale, but she seemed to be fine. I realized that she could have been hurt. Instinctively I moved closer. Her eyes went wider, looking curiously at me. I let her go, much to my regret.
And then, later, she had gotten mad, god knows why. And she drank too much. She looked really pretty, her face all flustered because of the wine. I would have gladly taken her to my… er-her bedroom, but Allen offered himself, before I could even speak. And so, I could just only stare as my rival carried her out of the room. I couldn't even remember when I began giving Allen that tittle: rival.
So, I left to get some steam out of his system. And again, Allen interrupted me, asking me to spar against him. So I fought him, with all my might, hoping to beat him, so I could avenge my heart. That was when I noticed Millerna watching us, standing hidden by the shadows. That hurt even more. So now Allen had Hitomi after him, but he was seeing the princess. It was too unfair, for the girls, and… for me.
I had left, only to find my beloved looking for Allen. My heart felt like breaking when I saw her leave. I could imagine what would follow.
Later that night, Merle appeared at my doorway, speaking something about Hitomi crying, and leaving her, and kidnappers, and God knows what more. I didn't even wait to hear it all. I ran to get Escaflowne and look for her. I was not going to loose her, not to Allen, not to anyone if I had a word in the business.
When I found her, the first person she called was Allen. She called Allen in her sleep that night. She blushed when Merle made fun about it, as if she were guilty. And me… he hated Allen more and more.
And then, when I saw her falling to the chasm, just as I had feared since long time before, all I though about was saving her, no matter what. I had jumped after her, not even minding what happened.
I had been rewarded, for she looked at me, really looked at me, as a man, not merely a boy, and spoke the sweetest words I could imagine: "I like your wings, they're very beautiful.''
Had she known? I couldn't tell. But it was her expression that broke my heart and made me happy at the same time. She had seen, and hadn't cared. That was when I began to see the smallest possibility that she could actually love me.
Freyd. That one, I would never forget it. I saw her frightened expression when they told her they had to interrogate her, and that she was to go alone. Allen, Merle and I had waited in their cell for it to end. And then we had heard noises, screams and hurried steps. I had barely managed to stop a guard long enough to ask what was going on.
-"The girl is death.'' was the answer I got.
My heart sank, and the anger swelled. I would have even broken the door, in order to get out, but Allen (again) was more efficient. Soon I was out, and running with all I had. I even left Merle behind.
I saw her, her body lying limp, her eyes frozen and her face with a painful expression in it.
Millerna was getting tired, I had to do something.
-"What do I do?'' was all I could ask.
-"Just keep the rhythm.''
So, I had listened to my heart, and had succeeded in bringing her back. Even though she was not feeling well, she had managed to get me to take her with me and try to catch the spy. I had felt her limp body between my arms, as I cradled her carefully, and had lost myself in it. We hadn't made it on time.
And after that, the battle. Facing Dilandu, blood covering every square inch around. Bleeding in the cockpit, something I was forbidden to do, and Hitomi rescuing me from death. Her worried expression had set my soul in fire. She cared! Maybe even more than cared. Just thinking about it gave me such joy he couldn't live with himself.
Asturia again. I remembered the barn, when I first tried to confess his feelings, her angry expression at the stupid things I had managed to say. I again saw her on the bridge, facing Allen, the older man bending towards her and kissing her. I had felt jealous of the knight and angry at myself. Why couldn't I bring himself to do that very same thing? Even after Folken explained what had happened, I still felt my heart broken. I had a feeling, that the kiss wasn't just because of Dornkirk's experiments, but had been partly because of feelings growing between Allen and Hitomi. What I had seen on the trip to Atlantis had triggered those thoughts.
The wedding disaster, the cat-twins trying to capture Hitomi, it was all blurred in my memory. Fanelia. Folken had summoned me to my ruined country. I had found Hitomi in the way. She had been called too. Folken's story, the fire dragons, the whole next events were filled with anger in my heart. When the dragons had appeared, I had clearly seen Folken was trying to take Hitomi away from me. Why?, I didn't know. I saw my brother's arm encircle Hitomi's slim waist, and pull her close to him. Then Folken had asked me to drop my sword.
-"NEVER!'' I had screamed.
I would never give up. But then I saw her face. Worry and pain were watering her eyes. She wanted me to give up as well, Folken's hand on her shoulder.
I gave up. I would do what ever she wanted, and if she wanted me to cut my own throat, I would willingly do it. As my sword fell, the dragons turned their back on me and left. Folken released Hitomi, and the girl ran all the way until she was standing near me. I wanted to hug her, but restrained myself. She seemed a bit disappointed, but stayed quiet about it.
The next battle was a hard one. I fought it with her sweet face in his mind, and when I came back, I found out that she had somehow been able to see and feel what I saw and felt. And she wasn't really happy about it. She left me, just like that.
It took me a whole day to find out why. And when I did, I didn't know what to do with the knowledge. It was Merle, of all people, who came with the answer.
-"Why are you still here, Van-sama? If you love her you should go and find her.''
Such simple words, but they meant the world to me. That was why I rode Escaflowne to the heavens, in search of my love. Even if Allen had had the courage to propose to her, even if the knight said they were getting married, even then, I knew that MY love was the only thing that would make Hitomi come back again.
And again, when I was finally able to hold her between my arms, I chickened out and left the words unspoken. Instead, I got her back to the palace, and left her there, hoping to end the war with one last battle, hoping to be able to come back with enough courage to say those precious three words: `I love you'.
At the middle of the battle, I felt Folken die. The pain was real, I could feel his heart stop. I cried for my brother, but something made me cringe in silent fear. Hitomi was near Folken when he died. That meant… Hitomi was on Zaibach, and she was in danger. That, I could feel it clearly.
I had raced against time to get to my love. And just in the last minute, I crashed into Dornkirk's fortress. She was there standing silently in the middle of the large room. She seemed to be in shock, but snapped back to reality the minute she felt my presence.
-"VAN!''
Her cry was full of adoration, of happiness and thankfulness. I cradled her against my chest and carried her away. She was mine, only mine and I would never let anyone take her away. That though kept racing through my mind.
All that pain to, in the end, let her go. She had family and commitments at her own planet. She couldn't just disappear. I accepted that, and sent her home.
Just as she was leaving in the light column, I realized I had never said it. I had never told her how much she meant for me, how much I loved her, how much I wanted her to stay. I hadn't even kissed her.
Millerna had brought the point out at her second wedding to Dryden. She had asked if I had any memories from her. I showed her the pendant I kept close to my heart. The young queen had smiled and then she brought something form a nearby cabinet. She said something about her sister, Eries, being a really talented painter. I looked at the picture in front of me. I saw myself and Hitomi, hugging fiercely.
She was standing at the border of an abyss, and I was flying, my white wings open to their full length. Eries smiled at my stunned expression and said that, for her, the painting represented love unspoken.
-"It is hard to let go, but if you two love each other enough, there will be a time when you can express those feelings to each other, and find true happiness. Just please, don't let those feelings die. They are too precious to loose them.''
The princess' eyes had a faraway expression as she said so. I noticed something curious about her hands. She was wearing a ring I knew well. My mother had given it to Folken, just before his dragon slaying trip. I smiled. So, after all, Folken had once found love. I thanked both sisters. I wouldn't forget the lesson.
As I stare at the Phantom Moon, I can feel that Eries' words echoed to the moment I am immersed in. The time is coming in which I will see my love again, and, perhaps this time, I can do things right.