He felt certain that she was back to her normal self, but with a different air about her

He felt certain that she was back to her normal self, but with a different air about her. He could not find a description for it. He only knew that every so often he would glance at her eyes and she would look back with a sense of withdrawal and contentment, if one can mix the two.

Searching his mind for reasons, he concluded that Kaoru's metamorphosis was because of him. She changed from being beautiful to being absolutely breathtaking. She no longer inflicted pain on him or Yahiko when she was provoked. Actually, she wasn't angry lately, and even the boy took notice of this. She replaced her temper with a longer one, and her demeanor more taciturn. She can cook now. He has heard her cry at night and he felt helpless to defend her from whatever hurt her. At one time, he tried to console her as she sat on the porch, but she shied away from him, got up and walked away.

It was then he decided to leave.

'I cannot go on knowing that I made her sad like that. Even now her smiles are forced. I love her, but lately she has just been too unhappy with me, I cannot understand why. Leaving her alone would be best for her.'

He packed his few belongings at dawn and put the futon and bedding away. He had prepared a note beforehand, thinking to leave it on the table before he left. As he headed for the table, a note was already there. It was addressed to him.

Kenshin,

Please meet me in front of the oak trees by the river. I'll be waiting.

Kaoru

His heart filled with apprehension and nervousness. What would he tell her? More importantly, what would she tell him?

He set out to do as the letter bid him.

Sure enough, a beautiful woman dressed in an exquisite kimono, various shades of blue with butterflies and white and pink flower motifs, was sitting on a log, waiting. To him, she looked out of place sitting there; she was an empress sitting in such common surroundings.

He approached her and stood to greet him with a warm, honest smile. He melted.

"Thank you for coming. I was beginning to worry." She eyed his duffel bag. "I see you've decided to wander again. If you do leave, I have to tell you something important. I know you have a lot of questions. I will answer them now. Could we sit down?"

They sat together, looking at the water run swiftly along the river.

Silence.

She stirred.

"The old lady whose grandson I teach, she taught me how to cook. But she's taught me more than that. She taught me not to rely on others for happiness. Only I can make myself happy."

She looked up in the sky as a light breeze blew past them. She tucked a straying lock of hair behind her ear.

"People know of my affections toward you. I am not going to deny it. I was told that proper ladies didn't pursue men. They let themselves be pursued. I guess what I'm trying to say is," she clasped her hands as if to pray, "that no matter how much I love a person, I cannot make him love me. From the beginning I told myself I won't act on my feelings because it wouldn't be proper. But then again, when was I truly proper? My budo allowed me to be free-spirited, expressive, and at times stubbornly fierce. A proper lady is demure, tactful, and slyly passive. The old lady made me realize that if I were to find somebody who would remotely take interest in me, and if this is what will make me happy, then I should do something about it."

He didn't know what to say to her, the same girl who made him feel warm and at ease ever since he stopped wondering. She was the reason he stopped wandering. He was happy to hear her confession, yet his ears also dreaded where her words would take him.

"Kenshin . . . the reason I tried to avoid you is because there was something I needed to change in me. And for the most part, I think I've already done it."

She took a deep breath and stared at the billowing clouds once more.

"At first I was hopeful, thinking that you would notice me. But I think it was because of the fact that I wasn't such a proper lady that I wasn't able to catch your eye, nor anybody else's. I've finally decided that I cannot keep hoping for something to be said or done if I keep being unlady-like. I thought maybe if I change, someone else could like me."

She let out a nervous chuckle, not knowing her company had just discovered one of the most painful ways to crush one's heart: rejection. 'That's right, I've never told her...' She translated his silence as rejection. His insides went numb, and his heart beat with a quick, swelling ache. His mouth tried to say something but nothing came out. 'No...'

"I always thought you were the best friend I could ever have. You are so dependable, kind-hearted and unjudging. But when I started falling for you... something inside told me that you could never like someone like me. Not like that. Because I'm not proper. Because I raise my voice, throw things and tackle people. Like the old lady said, I can do something about it. The world never stopped for anybody, and it will continue to go on even after I die. I cannot dwell on it. It won't make me happy. I cannot leave this task to anybody. I have to do it myself."

"The fortune I was told by that lady at the festival convicted me of my selfish thoughts. But when she told me that I could do something about it, about… about what I felt about you, I tried. Would I have gotten hurt if I didn't catch your eye? I know the answer to that. But no matter what I tried to draw you to me, not one was effective. As if I was a drug that loses its strength with each day that passes… I don't want to become weak from waiting…"

Upon hearing this, his heart panged even more. He couldn't comprehend why he was so demure about it. He thought maybe his actions would do the talking. He then realized that his words for this matter carried a lot more force and meaning, that with all the knowledge and training with the sword, no defense could have prevented the pain he was feeling. He wanted to say them, words his coy lips couldn't utter; but the words she had spoken left him frozen to the very core of his being.

"… and so this decision to let go of my feelings for you is sufficient medicine for my lingering, bitter as it was. It wasn't easy. That's why I couldn't look at you for more than a minute, because if I did, I'd just get hurt. Please don't be angry… I'm a mere person who made a mistake… Please don't misunderstand. I'm the one who let myself get hurt. This is none of your fault. I now know I don't interest you the way I'd like you to be... I... I was just trying my best to be happy."

He was still, and yet inside he was struggling to breathe. A fish caught in dry land.

"I cannot stop you from leaving. But please know that I still consider you my friend, and I harbor no ill feelings for you. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at my folly… but I know it's better to laugh and thank God that I still have you for a friend."

The clouds drew nearer over them, dark and heavy, as if they carried the weight of her words. The low rumble of thunder could be heard from the horizon.

"I'm sorry if I've been difficult. I must've worried you. But I don't have to avoid you now. I've gotten stronger over the past few days. I've dealt with it. I don't need to torture myself anymore. And you don't have to leave if you don't want to. There's plenty of room at home, and you can stay. After all, you're still my friend, and I'd like to take care of you for being my friend."

With that, she handed him the very package she purchased from the tailor shop. Numb and stunned, he mindlessly opened the package to uncover a dark blue gi, beautifully crafted and made of the finest silk.

At that moment, he wanted to cry.

'No, that's not it. You've got it all wrong...'

A raindrop fell on her cheek. Then another. And another. She gasped. "Kenshin, we'd better take cover or we'll be soaked."

She got up and ran to the trunk of a majestic tree by the river. She turned around to find him still in the same spot where she left him, but now standing up. She called to him again, urging him to hurry before he catches a cold.

He stood there, motionless. 'I just lost her because I didn't say anything.' He turned his eyes on her, staring at her mouth as she opened and closed it to tell him to take shelter. None of her words reached him; he only heard the accusations ring loudly in his head.

Then he moved. Slowly. The rain began to pelt on him furiously, and he was almost a blur to her eyes. His slow movement towards her made her nervous.

'I must've disappointed him,' she thought, as she wiped the raindrops that fell from the tree leaves onto her face. She felt downcast as she though about what she just told him. 'It's okay to give in. This was something I couldn't win in the first place. It was better to tell him.'

He was now under the umbrella of the tree. His eyes never left her face, his brow furrowed with guilt and fists clenched.

'I cannot lose her.'

He walked closer and closer to her until they were no more than six inches apart. Uncomfortable with the close distance between them, she shifted. As she did, his arms reached for her and locked her in a tight embrace, his duffel bag and present falling to the ground. Her eyes could not get any wider; her body froze as his grip grew tighter.

And they remained like so for a long time. The rain did not stop its assault. It drowned all sound to those who can hear. Even the samurai's sobs.

"No, that's not it. That's not how it's supposed to be," he said, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke. "You've always been beautiful... and now you're even more beautiful." He began to think of the many heads she turned when she went to town on errands. His heart filled with familiar jealousy as he remembered. "You've always been proper to me... I cannot believe how careless I was to let you think otherwise."

The cool rain mingled with the searing tears that burned his eyes.

"You don't have to do all this. God, you don't know how perfect you are already… how precious you are to me… do you know how many times I've resisted the urge to embrace and cling to you helplessly like this? Please... don't give up on me... please..."

At this she tried to breathe, to understand what went on in his mind and what she has tried not to do all along: break down. She was still convinced that she had found the solution and the way to end her waiting and unhappiness: she would throw away her love for him to find another who can love her in return. But why did this gentle redhead choose to tell her now, now that she has fought and struggled with herself to replace the love she felt for him with a platonic one?

She tried to push him away but he was immovable. She did not understand it, she thought she did, but now she just got more confused. And all this thinking overwhelmed her; her body could not take it anymore. Her limbs began to fail her as she tried to push him away once more. Her breathing was faint, and her lips turned pale.

He noticed that she was collapsing and released his hold to steady her.

"Kaoru-dono?"

She held her head up with all her strength before giving in to the exhaustion that claimed her body.

"I...thought I figured it out..."

She became limp, and then consciousness left her. He gasped at the sight of her seeming lifeless. He took her in his arms and carried her as he ran into the rain towards the house.

'What have I done?'

"She'll need to rest for a few days. Her body is really tense but weak. It's as if she was constantly fighting something..." The doctor's gaze shifted from the bed-ridden Kaoru to the worried redhead.

"Ken-san, she will make it. Don't worry so much."

He looked at her with pathetic eyes. "What happened to her?"

"She had a nervous breakdown. I heard from Sano that she's been acting odd lately, like she was thinking too much, perhaps of a burden unknown to us. The heart grows weak, pumping less blood for the body. The body in turn grows weak."

Kaoru shifted in bed, her breathing long and heavy.

"I did this to her," he mumbled apologetically.

Earlier while she was getting water from the kitchen, she saw the letters left on the table. Feeling more concern for the grief-stricken girl than being betrayed by the samurai's resolve to leave, she somewhat understood what happened that momentous morning. She understood his guilt. The doctor waited for him to speak.

"How could I have been so careless?" he said, shutting his eyes.

After another moment of silence, the perceptive doctor finally understood. She remembered a time when Kaoru had said in passing that she wished she knew how Kenshin felt about her; seeing her eyes then told of her she longing. The corners of her eyes twitched at the sad fact that men can sometimes be insensitive, and the truth was that she was disappointed that he of all people fell into this description. How could he not notice? The beautiful kimonos, the recent way she has carried herself, the changes? Changes. Irritated but sympathetic, she turned to the guilty one.

"Ken-san...do you think you can take care of her the way she is?"

"You mean --"

"Can you accept her the way she is, on top of anything else she wants to be?"

He thought of the first time he saw her, wooden sword in hand with bold shiny eyes; when it was raining and he took hold of her hand while Yahiko was turned to them; when she gave him her ribbon by the river.

"I already have."

The doctor stood up and knocked his head with her fist.

"Oro --"

"If she makes you happy, tell her. We all know you can speak." The doctor let a sly grin slip across her face, but gazed at him with an accusing eye. "I don't know what happened out there in the rain, but I have a feeling it's not over yet." She headed for the door and slid it open. "Ken-san, I know what it feels like to wait a long time. Don't you think she's waited long enough?"

She disappeared behind the door and his eyes returned to Kaoru. He sat closer to her as he watched the rise and fall of her chest, labored with breathing. 'Yes, she's waited long enough. But she just told me she doesn't feel the same about me anymore.' He groaned at the realization that her struggle with her feelings was what pushed her to the breaking point. He thought she would like someone who was closer to her age, someone who would not worry her because of his past. And, oh, how precious she was to him! Everything about her was - her eyes, her smile, and the way she held her wooden sword, her voice, her very being... he thought on and on.

"Kaoru..." he whispered as he reached to hold her hand in his. "This is entirely my fault. It wasn't that I didn't notice you… the truth is that I constantly noticed you, even before all this. My heart fell the moment I saw you… and I nearly lost my mind when I saw you dressed in your ruby-colored kimono. I never knew a beautiful woman like you could become even more beautiful. You needed no changing for anyone, especially not for me. You've won me over a long time ago… I was like a dog that wanted to follow you everywhere in the hopes of being caressed by your pretty hands. And perhaps that is why I did not utter a word about how I felt for you… in the darkness of my sins I resigned to treat myself like a mere animal. I am in no position to wish for a miracle to happen. And so when you told me that you felt the same way about me… me! A person who lost all innocence and humanity, like a man thrown into the ocean that couldn't open his mouth to tell you he loves you… I have never felt like this before, such happiness that I cannot contain! The shell of the being that I was shattered and I became free, like a cloud floating without a care in the world except that you love me… and I in turn love you, more than any treasure in this world, because you are the only treasure for me that exists in this life… I've fought for people to have peace today, over ten years ago. I'm good at handling the sword, but I'm no good at handling the heart, especially yours. I feel so much for you; at times when we're together I thought my heart would burst. I've killed before and I regretted it. But if I think of the sins I've committed as a bridge that led to this new peace we live in now, that you're able to live in, I can live with them. Knowing that you're happy with it... seeing that you're content in it... with me. Oh, I wish it were with me. Please forgive this worthless one for not telling you. You've filled my heart with you... I can't imagine it being empty without you... When you wake up, you might be disappointed with me, you might even hate me... that would be worse than giving up on me. Oh please, forgive my carelessness... I love you so much... everything about you. You didn't have to change... I've loved you all this time... and I didn't think it was possible to fall any deeper in love with you... but you, you make anything possible... for me. If you'd let me, I will make you happy. I want to make you happy. Please let me... please don't give up on me... please don't leave this poor old man alone..."

And at this he let tears escape his eyes.

She shifted in her sleep, her brow crinkled. Then she opened her eyes. His heart skipped a beat at their sight, suddenly aware that her hand was still in his. And something tore inside him, a familiar wall he had strived to maintain. At that instant, he wanted to fight. Fight for her.

"Has it stopped raining yet?" she asked.

"No, it's still pouring."

"Is the roof leaking?"

"What?"

He looked down on their tangled hands to see that teardrops had saturated her fingers.

"It's all right. You don't have to cry. It takes more than a storm to take me out."

As she laid in silence, a clap of thunder startled her. She felt the grip on her hand increase as her body tightened. She began to relax. Looking at the rain, she spoke.

"I thought I figured it out."

It was the last sentence she spoke before fainting. He recognized this and took a deep breath.

"Kaoru... I'm sorry. For letting you down. For not thinking of your feelings. For --"

"No, don't apologize. It's okay. No harm done."

The patter of raindrops engulfed them. He knew that wasn't true, regardless of the kind intention she put behind those words. A person doesn't just fall to her knees of weakness. His trepidation to voice his feelings did all this harm to her body and mind. Inexcusable.

"Are you disappointed at what I said earlier?" she asked.

"I... yes, I am, but not at what you said."

"Then at what?"

"At what I haven't said."

Despite her weakness she rose to sit up. She looked at him despairingly with compassion in her eyes.

"It's okay. I can be wrong. I never thought you'd tell me. And because of that, I made the wrong assumption."

"You... you heard me?"

She chuckled. She was aware that he was nervous.

"Are you..." he choked in an attempt to clear then knot in his throat. "Have you completely given up on me?"

She looked down on her lap. "Megumi told me that men sometimes don't realize things until it's too late."

His eyes widened, his heart sank. So she confirmed it. He was too late.

"I can still be happy. It's not too late, right?"

He bowed his head into a nod. He blamed himself for not telling her sooner. 'Don't let her go...' In desperation he pulled on her enclosed hand and took her in a tight embrace.

"Please, don't give up on me. I can fight with demons and survive, but I cannot lose you to my carelessness... If you just let this old man redeem himself, I --"

"It's true that you're older than me," she said, encircling him in her arms and resting her head on his shoulder. "But you're not that old."

His heart leapt at her words. He eased his hold on her and looked at her to find her eyes filled with tears and her lips bent into a soft smile.

It was liberation for him, his heart and soul. Right then, the way they were, he wanted to repeat his confession.

"I love you, Kaoru... from the very beginning, I loved you."

She held him back with all the strength that remained in her. "Thank you... for filling this void in my heart. I lied to you when I said I threw it all away... I just placed it somewhere else. Flowers are flowers. I'm only human."

He didn't care whether he understood the last words she said. All that mattered was that his fear of living a life without her in it was gone. She began to grow weak again. He laid her back down slowly, not wanting to strain herself. After covering her with the blanket, he laid right beside her, lifting her head and resting it gently on his arm. She was neither alarmed nor afraid, knowing that the hand that touched her was the hand that would take care of her for the rest of her life.

Before drifting into sleep, she spoke. "I can cook now... it won't taste so bad... I love you, Kenshin. You make me happy..." And she slept.

He smiled upon hearing her words, and kissed her forehead. "Thank you for letting me win you back." He held her close and closed his eyes. At that moment, he felt complete. He, too, felt tired; he carried his fears and withheld emotions far too long. He no longer cared what tomorrow would bring, because from then on, he would live a full life.