MALICIOUSLY SMELLY TEXTFICS 3000
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone. Thank you, and enjoy Season Two.
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I....sounds a little like sorcery...but pronounce it by saying each individual letter...damn, went off on a tangent). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!
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Previously...on Maliciously Smelly Textfics 3000...we discover that Nate, Duo, and Vincent will not be able to return home. A new evil has eliminated the previous evil resulting in horrible evil that...oh, nevermind, everyone's just really pissed off. Not only because the crew will have to read more putrid fanfiction, but they must also change their theme song and cast list...those bastards. Er, anyway, Chibi Ashram has just been shot, leaving Nate and his friends wondering who their new adversary is. We now take you to that scene, already in progress.
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The shadowy figure walks to the viewscreen, finally revealing the perpetrator's identity. Strangely, as the person comes into view, a theme song begins to play. Nate, Duo, and Vincent listen carefully, knowing that this song is somehow familiar. Once the snapping fingers come into the theme, Nate's eyes stare wide in shock. "No..." says Nate.
"It...couldn't be..." remarks Vincent.
"It'd better not be..." starts Duo.
"All of your suspicions are correct," says a male voice as his face lights up on the screen.
"Damn it...this is worse than Chibi Ashram," says Nate.
"Hello...Reno..." says Vincent coldly.
"Valentine," regards Reno of the Turks. "Well, I can't say that I'm alone, of course."
"Eh?" pips Duo.
"I know you have been playing this...Playstation," starts Reno. "Played FF8?"
"Grr..." remembers Nate.
"Yes, I see that you have. Anyway, remember the sorceress's spirit? It fled into a new host."
Duo hits the computer board rather hard. "New host? The hell's going on, pal?!"
"Calm yourself," says Reno calmly. "Oh, Aeris?"
Aeris, or at least, someone who looks like Aeris, slowly, like a zombie, walks into the viewscreen view.
"I was fishing one day...in the City of the Ancients, don't ask why," begins Reno. "Anyway, something grabs my hook, I pull, and what do you know...Aeris pops out, possessed by the spirit of the sorceress!" Reno pauses before adding, "Quite ironic."
Vincent cocks an eyebrow. "Aeris? This is impossible..."
"Yeah!" yells Nate. "Crossovers can't happen in real life!"
"Well, look at her," says Reno.
"You pitiful humans will succumb to the power of torture sent to you by none other than me, the sorceress who shall have your souls!" says Aeris.
"Hmm...she does seem slightly different..." says Vincent.
"Yeah, normally she's not so, I dunno, evil," adds Duo.
"Possession sucks," continues Nate.
"Anyway," says Reno. "She will be sending you fanfiction through some sort of telepathy...or something, I don't know the details."
"Wait a minute!" says Nate. "There's still one thing I don't understand!"
"One thing?" interject Duo and Vincent.
"Yeah...why are you doing this?"
"The new Shinra president, much like young dead blond boy Rufus, wishes to instill fear in the minds of the people. He wants to know if this experiment will work."
"But..." starts Duo.
"Enough!" yells Reno. "Being a Turk, I could have been sent to much better jobs than experimentation, therefore, I won't waste time. Your first tale, well...under my supervision, that is, is a rather strange piece called '50/50' and it is written by Death's Angel. Do enjoy."
"Damn..." starts Nate. "I thought we were done--"
"Ah, wait a minute!" says Reno. "I've compiled your new theme music. It will be playing as you enter the theater behind you. Aeris, send them the fic...now."
Aeris begins chanting. "WHOOOO DU BU!" she yells as a bright light flashes in front of her hands.
Suddenly, all too familiar lights and buzzers ring throughout the satellite. "Here we go again, guys..." says Nate. "IT'S FANFIC SIIIGGGNNNN!!!!"
In the not too distant future
In a nearby time and space
Nate Garrack and his two good friends
Are caught in a real bad place!
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all
While I monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Nate can't control
Where the stories begin or end!
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his two good friends!
Riffer role call!
Nate! (Are we still here?)
Vincent! (...)
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...
I should really just relax!
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!
(TWANG!)
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone enters the theater, sitting, from left to right, Vincent, Nate, and Duo)
Nate: That's our new song?
Duo: That sucks ass.
Vincent: I cannot believe we are still here...
Nate: (Sighs) Well, it's starting.
50/50
Nate: Don't you hate it when that's your last lifeline?
By Death's Angel
Vincent: Bit of a contradictory name, if you think about it...
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Duo: Damn, have they still not paved that damn road?
Disclaimers: I do not own Final Fantasy VII.
Vincent: And for that alone, I am eternally greatful.
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Nate: That's what happens when scratch your fingernails on the chalkboard.
Tifa lowered her head, "It seems only right that we pay our respects to everyone that died at the crater...
Vincent: Yes, all...none of them.
Duo: Unless they feel it necessary to respect Jenova SYNTHESIS, her right and left tentacles, and Sephiroth...
Nate: And all those millions of Magic Pots they slaughtered...may their souls rest in peace...
That was where it all ended."
Vincent: Then why is this story even being written? It ended...hmph.
"Why should we even go?"
Vincent: Thank you, Cloud...or whomever said that.
Cloud met her eyes,
Duo: (Cloud) It's a pleasure. Name's Strife. Cloud Strife.
Nate: (Tifa's Eyes) Hey there! I'm Eyes. Tifa's Eyes.
"Didn't we pay our respects when we killed Sephiroth?"
Nate: They payed their respects to Aeris a hell of a lot sooner than that! Stop the respecting!
"No, not like that. I mean that we should perform something like a small funeral service for all those that died...
Duo: Aeris is really the only IMPORTANT person that died...the rest were all a generic jumble of polygons.
Vincent: Hmm...
It seems only right..." Tifa turned and looked out the window in the highwind.
Nate: (Tifa) Should the ground be coming towards us this fast?
"After all, we took many of those lives ourselves, the soldiers we killed, the innocents that were in the way..."
Vincent: Does she have a point?
Duo: She feels way too sorry for generic no-name people. You kill a Shinra soldier, just walk along some more, there's another one that looks just like him!
Nate: 60% of FF7's population are clones.
A tear slid down her face, "And we drug Aeris into this mess..."
Duo: It's their fault for drugging Aeris before she went all stoned to that City of the Ancients.
"I doubt Aeris minded.
Vincent: (Cloud) I certainly do not mind...
She was willing to give her life for the planet."
Nate: (Cloud) Tifa! That happened twenty years ago! Get over it! Let's talk about NOW! NOT THEN!
"She *did* give her life for the planet.
Duo: Which she previously said and you just repeated, Cloud.
Nate: Well, she *did* previous say that and Cloud *did* just repeat it...
Duo: Shut up.
But I don't think she'd intended to when at that alter in the Forgotten City."
Vincent: Er...intend to what?
Duo: She didn't intend to win at the altar. Aeris was a big-time compulsive gambler, but she also hated herself and money. Very sad...
"What do you mean?"
Nate: At least Cloud's as confused as we are.
"Think about it, Cloud.
Nate: (Cloud) A duh...think? What's that like?
She was always so bright, so optimistic..
Duo: Other than that she was pretty dull.
She talked about the future more than any of us... I think she wasn't planning on giving her life for the planet at that time... She was planning on coming back... She had to be..."
Nate: Wow...it's almost like that was ripped right from the game and typed into text...
Duo: Nah...
Tifa held back the rest of her tears
Vincent: Until they forced through her barrier, streaming out of her eyes, ejecting them from their sockets...and--
Nate: Whoa, whoa, okay, pal...
and turned to face Cloud.
Duo: (Tifa) Oh, there you are!
"And whether or not you are coming, I'm going to see who else will go with me."
Vincent: (Chuckles) Good luck...
~*~*~*~*~
Vincent: Yes...a well-placed shot is aimed between their eyes...
Tifa gazed down into the large, gaping wound in the planet.
Nate: (Tifa) The wound of the Planet...one that Sephiroth hoped to create in larger proportions to destroy the entire human race...
Duo: (Cloud) No no, it's next to that!
Briefly she wondered how long it would take to heal the crater,
Duo: Sheesh, just have some people pour dirt and rubble into the crater...good as new!
then pushed the thought out of her mind. "And, Aeris, you once told me that you loved violets, and I agreed with you that they were beautiful.
(Nate furiously thumbs through the FF7 script)
Nate: When did that happen?!
I want you to know that this is the only place I can think of to give you this,"
Vincent: (Tifa) Here, have some lint...
she tossed a purple flower down,
Duo: By the way, isn't Aeris buried, y'know, somewhere else?
Nate: Tifa's not always the brightest of the bunch...
"I'm sorry I got you into this..." She bit her lip
Nate: Yeah, if she can find it. Did FF7 characters even have lips?
and resisted the urge to cry again. Damn, she was weak, how did she make it through the war...?
Duo: Tifa was probably out of place with all those other vets.
She was so weak...
Nate: No kidding, only wusses cry when their dearest friend dies. Heh, what a loser.
Vincent: That was excellent, Nate.
Cloud placed a hand on her shoulder and she felt the hot tears flood her eyes.
Duo: (Tifa) Oh my God! They're burning!
Nate: Flesh-melting tears, makes you think twice before getting upset about something...
He pulled her into his embrace
Vincent: And then pushed her into the crater...
and walked her away from the crater. She pressed her face to his chest and cried.
Vincent: (Cloud) Now now, Tifa...do not rust my armor.
The sound of snow crunching under heavy boots caused them to look up.
Nate: (Cloud) It's alright, Tifa. It's just the local cannibals.
Obviously Vincent and Barret were suspicious
Duo: Well, being suspicious is usually a constant for Barret.
because they each nodded toward each other slightly and moved on either side of the figure in front of them.
Vincent: Barret shoots from the left whilst I shoot from the right...
A pair of silver tipped boots were all that was visible other than the black cape and a hood was pushed up enough to cast a shadow over their face.
Nate: (Barret) Damn, Vivi! Get the hell outta there!
Duo: (Vivi) Sorry...
They held the reins of a black chocobo in a black gloved hand.
Duo: Someone got really pissed off after Teioh won so many races. Must've shot him from the Junon cannon and into the snow.
Walking up to the edge, a soft, female voice said softly, "Sephiroth?"
Nate: No, it's Vivi!
Duo: No, it's an FFT Black Mage!
Vincent: It's Cid in a black mage costume doing a very bad joke.
"He's dead."
Vincent: We concluded this by looking at his boots.
"No he isn't."
Nate: (Barret) Then let's just suffocate him with yellow snow!
Suddenly Vincent and Barret grabbed her.
Duo: Er...grabbed who?
Holding her by the arms she struggled to get out. "Lemme go, bastards!"
Vincent: Maybe if we knew who you were, we would comply.
"As much as I'd like the son of my beloved to be saved, we can't let you go down there until you explain yourself."
Vincent: I will safely assume that I said that...
"Who I am is of no importance,
Duo: The hell it isn't! It could help the dying plot a little!
let me help him.
Nate: Who? The dead black mage?
Lemme go or he will remain there until I can help him to heal him."
(Everyone blinks for a moment and rereads the screen)
Nate: Uh...ow...
"You, nor anyone else, will save him. He deserves to die."
(Everyone laughs)
Vincent: They have only assumed that that is Sephiroth...
Duo: I know they'd feel like asses if it was some girl scout or something.
"No more than you do, Cloud Strife, number 3."
Nate: (Host) You chose Bachelor Number 3! Come out so she can see who she's won!
Duo: (Girl) Eww...I change my mind!
Her voice was cold and hit Cloud with an icy shock.
Vincent: Otherwise known as Ice 3.
"What did you call me?"
Nate: (Cloud) Whatcha talkin' about, Willis?
"Cloud Strife, born in Nibelhiem, age twenty-one, blood type __,
Duo: His blood type is two underscores?
Vincent: Hmm...I knew Cloud had genetic problems, but...
Sephiroth-clone number three. Status, failure."
Nate: (Cloud) Oh, well thank you, Commander Data.
He turned around and glared at her angrily.
Vincent: Does no one make eye contact until they are deep in conversation?
Duo: In this story, absolutely!
"I am *not* a Sephiroth clone."
Duo: More like a carbon copy...a rough draft, if you will.
"Only because you and Zack escaped.
Vincent: Er...so when he escaped, any prospect of him being a clone instantly vanished?
Nate: I'll have to smile and nod on this one.
I never got a thank you from either of you,"
Duo: (Cloud) Oh, of course, er...!#$^ you.
she hissed softly, "Now let me go and let me help my brother."
Nate: Damn, this is really confusing...
Duo: Well, since she's a black mage-like person, maybe her brother's one of those red or blue or white mages.
Vincent: Maybe the entire cast of the story should have their heads burst into flames...
(Nate and Duo ad lib agreement)
"Your brother?!" Everyone turned to stare at her.
Duo: Well, yeah...that's what she said!
"What do you mean?"
Vincent: A brother, a sibling, another offspring that is male besides oneself, a--
Nate: Yes, yes, we know what brothers are.
"..."
Nate: Sorry, Vincent. She took your material.
Vincent: ...
She laughed softly, "You are an idiot.
Duo: And you, little missy, have no name.
Nate: Maybe we should just call her Heroine, kinda like Suikoden.
Duo: We have that game too?
Nate: Lots of games, my friend.
Duo: Why the hell didn't you tell me?!
Nate: Well, I wanted to play them all for myself. I mean...I know it sounds selfish, but I want everything for me, you see.
Duo: Oh...
Did you really not think about it?
Vincent: Fanfiction, thinking need not apply.
Hojo couldn't have some super-human in the lab without something to test the strength to.
Vincent: If he can summon a giant meteor, he could probably pass for "strong".
I was the second one.
Nate: Sephirothine.
Duo: Sephirothanne.
Vincent: Cindyroth.
I was never counted as a Sephiroth clone though because I was female.
Duo: So only men can test men as a basis for strength? Isn't this author female?
Nate: Maybe a masculinist female.
To them, I was completely ignorant of everything because I was female.
Vincent: Nate...Duo...I suggest for your own safety, you refrain from any female- crushing comments.
Nate and Duo: We'll try...
My name is Fiona.
Nate: Apple.
Duo: Heh, she's got the right character for it.
I have no number or status.
Vincent: I myself have many statuses. Strength, Vitality, Dexterity, Spirit--
Duo: Wang...
I was born in a lab
Nate: More and more protagonists are getting either killed or born in labs...we must look into this.
and my mother killed by a man known as Hojo immediately after my birth. I never knew my father.
Nate: (Fiona) He drove an ice cream truck filled with weapons and his head was always on fire...
I had one person in this world,
Duo: Her dummy, Chuckles!
and that was Sephiroth.
Vincent: Sephiroth is the ideal person to bring one's problems to.
True, he was four years older than me, but he was like a brother to me."
Vincent: (Fiona) Hmm...not brother as much as genetically enhanced superior-powered god- like being...
Cloud pushed her hood back to reveal
Nate: Good God, no! Never, ever, try to see what a black mage really looks like!
Duo: But...she's not a black mage...
Nate: DON'T DO IT, CLOUD! SAVE YOURSELF!
a young woman with black hair that had silver streaks and eyes as pale green as the mist that hung around a mako reactor.
Vincent: Oh, it is simply Sephiroth with makeup on.
"Why should we trust you?"
Duo: (Fiona) I've got one of those promise rings.
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...
"Vincent. Please let her go."
Duo: Especially when you have your hands in THOSE places.
Vincent: Hmph.
"Lucrecia."
(Everyone laughs)
Nate: Kind of an odd response, isn't it?
Duo: Oh, it's just his language, entirely comprised of the name "Lucrecia".
Vincent: Lucrecia...
Duo: See? He just said, "Mom, I want a sandwich."
Nate: Oh...
"Stay back. Just let Fiona go.
Vincent: Why is Lucrecia always telling me to "stay back"?
Duo: The restraining order's still in effect, man.
Nate: And if you hang on to her, Fiona might lapse into another depressing song!
She will save my beloved son... And my sanity."
Duo: (Lucrecia) WHOOO HO!!! WHEEEE!!! I'M !#$^!#^ NUTS!!! YAHOO!!!!!
Lucrecia suddenly clutched at her stomach
Duo: Hoo boy...time of the month again...
Vincent: Please do not say that...
Duo: But it is!
and Vincent grabbed her as she fell off the chocobo.
Vincent: There now, I am helping her, that does not call for a "stay back" comment.
"Lucrecia... Why do you insist that I stay back...?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Vincent! The relationship ended five years ago! Get over it!
"I fear that you are angry with me...
Vincent: Oh, I am sure she interprets my affections and desire for revenge at her peril as being..."angry".
Or worse, will no longer love me once you see what I have become."
Vincent: Have you looked at me? I am a bit different myself...
Lucrecia nodded and Barret let Fiona go.
Duo: Cool, I never knew Barret and Lucrecia had a telepathic understanding!
The girl instantly started climbing down into the crater.
Nate: Well, not climbing as much as...well...falling rapidly.
"Vincent...
Vincent: Yes?
I have become a monster.
Vincent: Really? Me too...
I can no longer hide my sins.
Vincent: I follow...
I was not there for Sephiroth,
Vincent: We killed him, if that is any consolation...
Nate: (Whispers to Duo) He talks too much when Lucrecia talks...
Duo: Bet they're mean in the sack...
Nate: Duo!
Duo: You know they are!
Vincent: Pardon?
Nate: Er...he said goats lean on his back.
Vincent: I see...
I let him go in the name of science
Nate: (Dexter) It is a good day for science!
and look at what resulted..."
Duo: A video game of sorts...
"Lucrecia."
Nate: Vincent, if you whisper her name, we're not talking to you for a week.
Vincent: Is that supposed to bother me?
Nate: Oh yeah...
Vincent: Lucrecia...
Duo: Dammit!
Vincent held her with his bad hand
Duo: (Chuckling) Oooo...his bad hand? What's it touching?
and used his good one to smooth out her hair.
Nate: Soon I bet he'll grow more hands and they'll name them after the Dwarfs.
"And what's more... Hojo did one more experiment on me...
Duo: (Lucrecia) I was cross-bred with Carol Channing...
Nate: (Carol Channing) And then we can all cuddle with lil' Sephiwoth! Oh...do you wanna? Wanna cuddle?
(Vincent shudders)
He has altered me to the point that when I get to angry,
(Everyone laughs, even Vincent, despite himself)
Duo: (Lucrecia) Yep, it's official. I have now reached Angry!
I transform into a monster and lose any and all self control I may have..."
Vincent: Hmm...that almost sounds like exactly what happened to me...oh, wait...it is...
"Lucrecia, I will always love you.
Nate: (Vincent) Me love you long time!
Vincent: That sounds nothing like me...
And I should be the one worrying that you will not accept me.
Nate: Great, now he's reciting lines from a Thomas Hardy novel.
Look at me Lucrecia.
Duo: (Lucrecia) I'd rather not.
Vincent: Hmph.
I have a golden claw for a hand.
Nate: (Vincent) Well, actually that's just a really cool golden rubber glove with sharp tips. It's neat!
I do the same thing whenever I get terribly angry..."
Duo: Hey, I'm getting angry at all this. Why don't I transform?
He took one of her hands
Vincent: Out of how many?
Nate: Hands are an important theme in this story.
in his good one and brought it up to his face.
Duo: And then he ate it. Good night, everybody!
Kissing it gently,
Nate: (Lucrecia) You're making me angry, Vincent...I...ARRRGGHHHH!!!
he smiled slightly. "I have even lost most capability to show emotions on my face..."
Vincent: Well, most of my face is shrouded and concealed...so that only makes sense.
"Somebody help me, please," Fiona appeared, dragging Sephiroth with her.
Duo: Er...okay, so when everyone killed Sephiroth and his one-winged angel body was totally incinerated...he just got knocked unconscious and turned back to normal?
Nate: The answer is five.
She winced as his body jolted and suddenly fell.
Vincent: Back into the crater...
Nate: Hmm...I don't remember any Jolt spells in FF7...
Duo: But the drink sure is good.
"I... can't take.... this pain anymore...."
Vincent: Seems that the story has gotten to her as well...
She then passed out.
Nate: (Fred from Scooby Doo) Now let's find out who Fiona really is!
Barret slung Sephiroth over one shoulder and Fiona over the other.
Duo: (Cloud) Barret, it's not necessary to put them in bags AND embalm them. They're not even dead...
Nate: (Barret) I pity da' fool who don't let me embalm people!
"So, Cloud, whatcha want me to do with them?"
Vincent: (Cloud) Well...I do feel slightly...pekish...
Nate and Duo: Yuck! Gross, man.
Lucrecia looked up. "My baby... Vincent...
Vincent: No, I am actually quite grown up, Lucrecia.
I-I want to see what he looks like."
Duo: She's had the whole time to at least take a peek! Just look, woman!
"He looks like shit right now, ma'am.
Nate: (Hillbilly accent) We turned 'em into fertilizer, ma'am.
If ya don't mind me saying.
Duo: I'm sure everyone's grown used to Cid's or Barret's talk at this point. No one really cares what he says.
Vincent, help your chick on the Highwind.
Vincent: Certainly, but what about Lucrecia?
We all need to get out of this cold." Cid scratched the back of his head,
Nate: (Cid) Damned lice...
"And Cloud, you might wanna carry Tifa, she looks like she cried herself to sleep."
Vincent: (Cid) Actually, she froze to death rather quickly. I suppose I could have offered her my jacket...
Vincent swept Lucrecia in his arms
Duo: With a broom, I guess.
and walked toward the large airship with Barret right behind him.
Nate: (Hans) Yah, only the big muscle men can survive the cold!
Duo: (Franz) Yah, look at the little girly girls that we carry with our bulging biceps!
Cloud carefully pulled Tifa up into his arms wher he was holding her
Duo: C'mon, more detail! Where he is holding her? Is he holding those...er...arms?
Vincent: Excellent save, my friend.
off the ground and walked toward it
Nate: Toward what? Her arms? The ground?
and Nanaki smiled one of his strange smiles as he hopped in.
Duo: (Red XIII as frat boy) Party, man! I call shotgun! Whooo!
Yuffie looked around for a moment.
Vincent: She is dumbfounded whenever something...anything...actually happens...
"Cid, carry me."
Duo: (Cid) Sure, I'll impale you my spear and roast you for supper!
Nate: Was that some kind of euphemism?
Duo: Er...
"What the hell?! Why?"
Vincent: He overreacts at every single thing that happens.
"Cause all the human males that are awake are carrying someone cept you. Can't break a trend now..."
Vincent: (Cid) No...but I could break your spine...
"Sorry, Yuff. You can walk."
Nate: (Yuffie) But I don't know how!
And he turned away from her. She put her hands on her hips.
Duo: She was then a little worried when the ship started taking off...
"That's mean! Remember! I'm the Lady of Wutai!!"
Vincent: Many of us may argue on that point...
Noticing everyone had left she frowned. "Hey!! WAIT UP! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"
Nate: (Cloud) Hurry, Cid! Go now!
Duo: (Cid) !@%!@%!!!! I'M TRYING!!!
She started to run onto the ship,
Vincent: But instead ran into the ship, crushing her face.
then looked at the chocobos.
Nate: (Christopher Walken) Look, these chocobos are like...a big bag...of Skittles...grape, strawberry, watermelon...all the wonderful fruit flavors. They share a rainbow of color. But, I'm sorry...I just need...more cowbell...
She sighed, grabbed their reins and ran onto the ship.
Duo: Someone needs to grab Yuffie's reins and choke her.
Nate: Hey, let's go talk to Reno.
Vincent: Why?
Nate: Look at us! We're not exactly goin' nuts or anything. Maybe if we show that to him then he'll quit the experiment and let us go home!
Duo: Hey, yeah!
Vincent: I suppose it is worth trying...
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Nate punches the computer panel to call Reno. Shortly thereafter his image appears on the screen. "Uh...hey, Reno?" says Nate.
"What the hell are you doing? Get back in the theater!" responds an angry Reno.
"Listen, pal, we ain't exactly goin' nuts or losing our senses!" yells back Duo.
"Your point? So what if one experiment doesn't cut your strings? I have many more experiments. We just need to alter some variables and such," retorts Reno.
"Hmm..." exclaims Vincent. "By the way...who is the new president of Shinra?"
"That's classified, Valentine," says Reno. "But if he ever stops by, I'll introduce you."
"And what's Aeris doing?" asks Nate.
"Oh yeah..." begins Reno. "Aeris, or the Sorceress, whichever, said that she had bring hellfire down on some nearby towns or something. Something mundane."
"But--" starts Duo.
"Goodbye, enjoy your fic," says Reno as his image vanishes.
Nate sighs heavily. "Hey, you guys wanna get in some black mage costumes?"
"What?" asks Vincent in utter confusion.
"I always wondered if everyone's eyes always turn all beady and yellow when they put those things on. We should find out!" says Nate passionately.
"We'll put all the fic's themes into our costumes, it'll be...well...weird, but kinda cool," decides Duo.
"I fail to understand either of you," bluntly states Vincent.
Nate is about to comment again, but lights and sirens start to shine and sound through the room. "Damn, fanfic sign...we'll decide on this later!" Everyone quickly runs into the theater.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone takes their seats)
Duo: Do we even have black mage costumes?
Nate: Hell if I know. We have missle turrets and other random things up here. I wouldn't be surprised.
Vincent: It is starting.
~*~*~*~*~
Nate: Watch out! A horizontal Bolt spell!
Vincent settled Lucrecia on a bed
Duo: Heh, heh...in bed!
Nate: That line works in most cases, but here it kinda fails.
Duo: Yeah, it fails...in bed!
Nate: Okay, just stop.
in the new 'conference room'.
Nate: When did the Highwind have an "old" conference room?
Vincent: We did have a room to perform operations in...
In actuallity, Cid had turned it into a large bedroom/infirmary.
Duo: Yes, while he turned the bridge into a makeshift recreational room, complete with billard tables and spas.
It had six bunk-beds and three large cabnits.
Vincent: All in that single small room?
Nate: Six very very cramped bunkbeds and three large cabinets stacked on top of them.
One held medical things,
Duo: Otherwise known as Cid's crack.
the second held weapons and materia,
Vincent: Why would an infirmary need items that cause bodily harm?
while the third held food.
Nate: Unfortunately, he hadn't changed out that cabinet in years.
He kneeled beside Lucrecia and touched her forehead.
Vincent: Ah...I am performing a psychic reading.
"Vincent... Please... Where's Sephiroth?"
Vincent: I already lied about that question once...must I do it again?
"A friend has him.."
Duo: ...In bed!
Nate: Shut up!
"I need to tell you something, Vincent...
Duo: (Lucrecia) You're crushing my forehead...
Sephiroth isn't-"
Nate: Straight?
Duo: An actual man?
Vincent: ...In this story?
She stopped talking as Barret came in.
Nate: In Barret's case, he stomped and galloped in.
He dumped Fiona on a top bunk beside Lucrecia,
(Duo makes glass breaking noise)
Nate: (Barret) My bad, yo!
who was in the next to last bed,
Vincent: Here, let us refer to the flow chart...
and dropped Sephiroth in the bottom bunk.
Duo: Um...why is Barret just tossing them like basketballs?
Nate: He must think that they're furniture or something.
Lucrecia was shocked at the way they treated him.
Vincent: Barret is a "they"?
Nate: I don't recall Barret ever being enveloped in symbiote.
"Why are you so rough with him?
(Duo opens his mouth, as if to say something
Nate: Duo, if you say that line again, I will personally make sure that you lack the ability to ever perform "in bed" again!
(Duo shuts his mouth)
Sephiroth... My baby..."
Nate: (Barret) And our dinner!
She crawled over to where she could lean over him and studied him carefully.
Vincent: She acts like an anatomy student...
"My poor child..."
Duo: No wonder Sephiroth was able to nearly destroy the world! Look how spoiled he is!
"Vincent, make sure Sephiroth don't cause no trouble. Caus if he does.... I'm taking him out."
Vincent: Er...Lucrecia? Are you alright?
Nate: Those ebonics classes are really helping her out!
Vincent nodded and walked over to Lucrecia, who gently touched Sephiroth's face.
Vincent: And then tore it open with her fingernails.
"He grew up to be so handsome..."
Duo: He wasn't exactly a ladies' man, though.
Barret left, and Vincent
Nate: Also left, because Lucrecia was becoming very annoying and whiney.
Vincent: I doubt I would do that...
Nate: You know you would!
Vincent: Hmm...
sighed softly. Lucrecia turned to look at him.
Duo: (Lucrecia) You know, he got all the "weird" genes from you, mister!
"Vincent. Sephiroth... He... Well... He's your son."
Vincent: Hmm...shall we kill him and collect insurance?
Vincent stared open mouthed at her.
Nate: Realizing that he now had many child support bills to pay.
"Mine? B-But... I... We... Only once...
Duo: (Vincent) Would like...to...do...again!
I thought.... Isn't he Hojo's?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Actually, she's Yuffie's...
Vincent: Eh? How is that?
Nate: (Lucrecia) She's a man!
Vincent: ...She is?
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, Yuffie just dresses girly. I mean, just look at Kuja! He's a man, too.
Vincent: You may be on to something...
"No!" Lucrecia glared at him.
Duo: PMS attack! Run for your lives!
"That's what made you angry wasn't it?
Vincent: No, just the thought of Hojo trying to perform with a woman is laughable.
It wasn't that we used your child...
Nate: (Lucrecia) We did, however, use him as a basketball. Such a chubby child!
You thought I was going to sleep with Hojo, right?"
Vincent: Any thought of that occurring simply made me laugh in disbelief...
Vincent nodded slowly.
Duo: Nodded off slowly to sleep, that is.
"You didn't have faith in me?"
Nate: Vincent, are you on some kind of gameshow?
Duo: (Vincent) I'll take Guess Your Lover's Secrets for 800.
"I wasn't sure what to think.
Nate: (Vincent) So I didn't.
One day we would discuss our wedding plans and how exactly we were going to afford it at the time,
Vincent: For some reason that filthy, homeless person who said he could perform weddings just was not suitable for Lucrecia.
then the next you would be off in your own world talking about biving birth to an Ancient...
Vincent: Which is why I sent you to that institution...
Duo: The one with the clown-people.
I didn't even consider that the one time could..."
Nate: Vincent, next time, use Latex Condoms instead of Swiss Cheese Condoms.
"Impregnate me?"
Duo: (Vincent) What? Sex impregnates people?
"Right." He grabbed her hands. "Lucrecia, forgive me?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, just stop squeezing my hands so hard...that claw hurts like ass!
"Only if you would me."
Duo: Was a "do" left out of that statement?
Vincent: I somehow doubt it.
"I did a long time ago."
Vincent: By cursing myself and sleeping for years.
He pulled her into his arms once more and she clutched Sephiroth's hand in a death-like grip.
Nate: So Sephiroth's dead now?
Duo: The end! Yahoo!
Vincent: Not quite.
Duo: Ah, damn.
~*~*~*~*~
Nate: It's several clones of that Kwik-E-Mart guy's wife from the Simpsons.
"Cloud... What're we gonna do 'bout Sephiroth and that girl, Fiona?"
Duo: (Cloud) Since our plan was to kill Sephiroth, we may as well stick with that...and Fiona, I'll just use the backspace key and get ride of all of her mentionings.
Yuffie looked up, happy they weren't moving quite yet.
Vincent: Until Cid changed the Highwind into third gear, in which case Yuffie choked and died on her own vomit...
"...."
Nate: Damn, Vincent, you gotta do something about the other characters monopolizing your lines!
Vincent: ...
Nate: Yeah, no kidding.
Duo: He didn't say anything, Nate.
Nate: No, no, "..." is his way of saying that those lines belong to him and he will kill anybody who tries stealing them.
Duo: All that from "..."?
"Cloud... Have you decided what to do with Sephiroth?"
Duo: (Cloud) I already told you! "..."!
Vincent walked in slowly, watching everyone,
Nate: All two of them.
but keeping his eyes on Cloud in his strange way of looking at people.
Vincent: Do I really look at people that strangely?
Duo: That's why people usually run from you or avoid eye contact.
Vincent: That could explain it...
"Not yet."
Nate: Which he previously alluded to in his "..." speech.
"Every life is precious, even that of your enemy's."
Vincent: That is why instead of killing them, you must inflict severe torture.
Lucrecia walked even slower behind him. She looked at no one.
Nate: Damn! Why does no one ever look at anyone in this story!? Vincent's able to look at people, but even he just stares at 'em or freaks them out! This is freaky, unearthly social interaction!
"Just remember that in your discision."
Duo: (Cloud) Right, let's kill the bastards!
"Sephiroth is a jerk and tried to destroy the planet.
Nate: And all big meanies and poopheads bent on global destruction must die.
We should leave him up here to die!"
Vincent: In the Highwind where he has plenty of provisions and medical aid? What an odd plan...
Yuffie glared at them. "He's not changed!"
Duo: I'd say that Sephiroth's a little more quiet and mortally wounded than he normally is.
"And from where are you speaking, Miss?"
Vincent: (Yuffie) A few feet in front of you, where you fail to look at me.
Lucrecia finally looked at her. "From personal views?"
Nate: (Yuffie) No, from my ass.
"I'll have you know that now I am the lady of Wutai,
Duo: (Shakes his head) Try the Tomboy Bitch of Wutai.
and you had better show me the respect I deserve.
Vincent: (Lucrecia) Yes, you are right...Yuffie...? Go to your room.
I am only speaking for the good of Wutai.
All: Shut up...
And probably the rest of the world too.
All: Shut up!
You shouldn't let your own attachment as a mother affect your judgment.
All: SHUT UP, YUFFIE!
It is unwise, and usually unhealthy for you, if you know what I mean."
Nate and Duo: SHUT THE !$%$ UP YOU LITTLE !#$^%#$^!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Hmm...I can not manage to bring my voice that high.
"Where did that come from, Yuffie?"
Duo: Again, her ass.
Red turned to face her.
Nate: (Chuckles) Can no one start conversations looking at each other in this story?
"I've never seen you so serious."
Vincent: That is because no one takes her seriously.
"All ninjas are serious when it comes to the good of their continents."
Duo: Okay, Yuffie. Do you have a deed to that continent?
She narrowed her eyes.
Vincent: And then I gouged them out...
"..."
Vincent: Hmm...I have been around Lucrecia so much that she has been talking like me...
"He's a cold, heartless killer!
Nate: C'mon, other than that, he's a great guy!
How can you still be thinking about it?!"
Duo: Thinking about what? You mean "..."? That means NOTHING! They aren't thinking about ANYTHING! So everyone kill Yuffie now!
Vincent: Excellent...
Yuffie's voice was a near screech.
Nate: Damn, I hope she doesn't become Screech's girlfriend in Final Fantasy: Saved by the Bell.
"I'm sorry you think that way..." The deep voice came from behind Lucrecia and she moved to reveal Sephiroth.
Duo: Ta-da!
One arm was across Fiona's shoulders and it was clear that was the only way he was standing.
Nate: His arm can stretch all the way to that other bunk she's lying in?
Duo: Stretch Armroth.
She had her arm linked across his back and they both shared blood and cuts,
Nate: Ah, so they peel off their scabs and trade. Cool business idea.
even though Sephiroth was the only one to have been hurt.
Vincent: Well, obviously Fiona is hurt too, is she not?
"Sephiroth. You're awake..."
Duo: (Sephiroth) Yeah, and I summoned Meteor again, so NYA!
"Fiona, you two should be resting... It's not good for you to be up yet."
Nate: (Fiona) Sorry, I was just trading my scab that looks like a whale for Sephiroth's that looks like Whistler's mother.
"No." Sephiroth raised one hand weakly.
Duo: (Lucrecia) Save your questions 'till class is over, Sephiroth! You were always a horrible son!
Vincent: ...I have no son.
"If it's my fate you're deciding and I think I should be here for it."
(Everyone laughs)
Nate: Relax, Sephiroth. They just want you to rest...I wouldn't call that an act of Fate.
Fiona settled him with his back to the wall and he leaned back,
Vincent: The wall was weak, however, and Sephiroth fell out of the Highwind and landed 25,000 feet later back in the Northern Cave.
closing his eyes momentarily. Then they snapped open.
Duo: Cool, just like those Bugs Bunny cartoons!
"I should tell you, there's only one way to kill me."
All: ???
Vincent: Must have gotten slightly ahead of themselves...whoever is talking, that is...
Duo: Right...slightly...
Fiona glared at Cloud, and then resumed checking how bad Sephiroth was injured.
Nate: (Fiona) Well, Sephiroth...I hope you don't mind having half of your body being reconstructed out of metal...and having your penis replaced with a thumbtack.
"How's that?" Cloud raised a hand when Barret started to say something.
Duo: Er...he's actually raising his hand to ask questions?
Nate: Wow, and we were all just joking about that earlier...
"... Fiona here is my counter part.
Vincent: Ah, then everything makes perfect sense...
We are basically, not,
All: ???
Vincent: Eh? Did he just take back what he said?
Nate: He's trying to tell a joke, but he's doing a sucky job at it.
so rough, Fee.
Duo: (Fiona) Ona. Fee followed by Ona. Fiona.
We are basically two sides of the same coin..."
Duo: So they both have male and female--
Nate: Don't ask!
Fiona, finally, nodded her approval and walked, or rather, limped over to Lucrecia and began to talk quietly with her.
Vincent: Girl talk, no doubt.
Nate: (Lucrecia) And, oh my God, Vincent kissed my the other day! I was all, WHOA!
Duo: (Fiona) No way! And, WHOA, Sephiroth and I are SO TOTALLY psychically linked! WHOA!
"Our hearts beat at a simoutaneous pace.
Vincent: ...Whatever "simoutaneous" that means.
Duo: Maybe she meant spontaneous?
Vincent: Both of their hearts beat at random times? That is not healthy...
To kill me, at the same instant you must kill Fiona.
Nate: (Cloud) Since you've been talking about it so much, then fine! Let's try it!
And I mean down to the dot.
Duo: (Sephiroth) Okay...maybe give or take fifteen minutes...but other than that, ON THE DOT!
You must get our hearts to stop beating at the same moment in time."
Nate: I wonder if Sephiroth and Fiona are on the same menstrual cycle.
"How is it fucking possible to be linked like that?!"
Duo: Y'know, Vincent, I'd die of shock if you suddenly started talking like that.
Vincent: Many authors do that for me, you know...
Nate: Die of shock?
Vincent: No...make me swear.
Nate: Oh.
Cid looked up from his precious plane rather quickly.
Vincent: Forgetting that he should be using the controls and not crash...
"That ain't fucking human!"
Nate: Didn't they establish Sephiroth's inhumanity a really long time ago?
Duo: Cid just has a delayed reaction problem.
"... Sephiroth isn't human."
Nate and Duo: DUH!
Vincent: We know...
Red watched Sephiroth intently.
Duo: Before madly humping his protruding leg.
"He's no Cetra, and he's not a part of Jenova's race, but he's not human either."
Nate: Is there a point to all this?
"No, but I am Cetra." Fiona turned from Lucrecia for a moment.
Vincent: I thought they were two sides of the same coin? I thought everything about them was identical? Why is she a--
Nate: Smile and nod! For your own sake, man!
"My mother once accidentally cut herself with one of the trays that was held some Cetra cells. The cut drew blood and the cells entered her body.
Duo: (Sarcastically) Oh...how creative...
When she gave birth to me, she had no idea that her daughter would be Cetra.
Nate: They named her "Cetra"?
Vincent: And she turned out to be a Cetra herself. What a coincidence...
She never got to see me either. Hojo killed her after I was born and did away with her body...
Duo: Necrophile!
Sephiroth and I are not linked by blood, we are not blood brother and sister.
Vincent: Thus their hearts just happen to beat in rhythm...
That came from our hearts.
All: What?
Nate: (Fiona) Sephiroth, when I say we're not blood brother and sister...that came straight from my heart!
When we heard of SOLDIER we knew that if we could join that Hojo would not be allowed to test on us more.
Vincent: (Fiona) A shame that we did not know that Hojo was allowed to cut our bodies into pieces and fed them to the Shinra pets...but I digress...
We both signed up, only Sephiroth made it.
Duo: If this story leads into Cloud's flashback in Kalm...I'm gonna scream.
They didn't care that I was a good fighter. They turned me down because I was a woman."
Duo: Well, Shinra always did need cooks and whores.
Nate and Vincent: O_O
Nate: I...er...apologize on behalf of Duo for that comment...
Duo: What? I'm just saying that--
Vincent: Do not jeopardize your life any further, Duo...Women hate you now...
"When I joined SOLDIER they injected a serum in my bloodstream that made me forget most details about my past.
Nate: They injected her with Guardian Forces?
Then they told me stories about the thing they made to be my past.
Duo: (Fiona) You know, the thing!
They eradicated Fiona.
Vincent: No they did not...she is standing right there.
The only reason I remember her is because when Jenova used my body, she opened her memory banks temporarily.
Nate: What the hell? I don't unders--
Vincent: You told me to smile and nod...you should do the same...
That gave me time to read what I needed, and I relearned everything about myself."
All: Er...sure...
"Alright. But the only reason I'm letting you live is because I haven't seen Fiona do anything wrong."
Duo: (Tifa) Fiona just strangled Cid to death!
Nate: (Cloud) Eh...I'll just give her a stern warning.
^Sephiroth? Can you hear me?
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Yes...but turn that carrot down.
^^Yes, Fiona. What's wrong?
Nate: Why is there a happy faced person next to that?
^I don't like that one.. The ninja one. Something is strange about her.
Duo: (Fiona) She's not wearing pants...Is that normal?
^^What?
Duo: (Fiona sighing) SOMETHING IS STRANGE ABOUT HER!!!!!!!
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Come again?
^I don't know.
Nate: Well, thank goodness that puzzle's been solved.
"Alright. I'll agree to that."
Nate: We all agree...this story must end now.
"I can't believe I'm a part to this."
Duo: (Yuffie) Stupid orgy...
Yuffie placed her hands on her hips, then ran out as the engines came to live in the largee airplane.
Duo: Oh my God! The engine has a mind of its own! SAVE YOURSELVES!
Vincent: Hmm...odd way to end a story...but at least it is over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nate: Did they ever pave that road? There's a subplot that just went nowhere...
Alright...
All: Okay...
^ is when Fiona talks to someone mentally.
^^ is when Sephiroth talks to someone mentally.
Vincent: Should she not have told us that earlier?
Got it?
All: Huh?
Good. Feedback would be greatly appriciated... *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*
Duo: (Eric Idle) Does your wife like to take...photographs? *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*, say no more!
Nate: Whew...let's jet, guys.
Vincent: Indeed.
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
"So...have your spirits been broken yet?" asks Reno. "Eh...? What the hell are you doing?"
"Nah, we're doing great!" replies someone in a black mage costume. His voice is undoubtedly Nate's.
"...How did your eyes get so beady?" asks Reno.
"Hell if I know...but for some reason I can also cast most black magic spells and conjure creepy stuff; all thanks to this costume!" replies an excited Nate. "I mean...if I had MP that would mean something..."
Duo walks in wearing a Robin Hood type outfit. "Eh...this was all I could find," states Duo.
"Yuck, man, you look...weird," says Nate with a loss for words.
"I've noticed that most forest creatures follow me around, and people seem to turn merry whenever I approach them...but other than that this suit doesn't do much..." sadly replies Duo.
Vincent walks in, looking normal. "I am not wearing that final costume," he bluntly states.
"Why not?" asks Nate in disappointment.
"It is a Dancer costume from your Final Fantasy Tactics game...I am not putting that on under any circumstances..." replies Vincent.
"Okay, all of you shut up," says Reno. "A strange side effect of reading bad fanfiction is to dress up in costumes...fascinating...Well, you can have your fun...but beware the next time I send you fanfiction...goodbye." Reno's image vanishes on the monitor.
"Well, I'm getting the hell out of this stupid-ass costume," says Duo, retiring to his room.
"I'm gonna find a way for me to get this 'MP' that you guys have," says Nate to Vincent as the former retires to his chamber.
Vincent is left alone with his thoughts on the S.O.S.R.I.. "...I still do not understand those two...I never will."
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Well, there you have it, folks. My Season Two premiere. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review as always. By all means, move on to Episode 202. Anyway, hope you enjoyed Season Two's opening. Have a good one. Peace.
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...
~SpamBlade
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone. Thank you, and enjoy Season Two.
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I....sounds a little like sorcery...but pronounce it by saying each individual letter...damn, went off on a tangent). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!
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Previously...on Maliciously Smelly Textfics 3000...we discover that Nate, Duo, and Vincent will not be able to return home. A new evil has eliminated the previous evil resulting in horrible evil that...oh, nevermind, everyone's just really pissed off. Not only because the crew will have to read more putrid fanfiction, but they must also change their theme song and cast list...those bastards. Er, anyway, Chibi Ashram has just been shot, leaving Nate and his friends wondering who their new adversary is. We now take you to that scene, already in progress.
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The shadowy figure walks to the viewscreen, finally revealing the perpetrator's identity. Strangely, as the person comes into view, a theme song begins to play. Nate, Duo, and Vincent listen carefully, knowing that this song is somehow familiar. Once the snapping fingers come into the theme, Nate's eyes stare wide in shock. "No..." says Nate.
"It...couldn't be..." remarks Vincent.
"It'd better not be..." starts Duo.
"All of your suspicions are correct," says a male voice as his face lights up on the screen.
"Damn it...this is worse than Chibi Ashram," says Nate.
"Hello...Reno..." says Vincent coldly.
"Valentine," regards Reno of the Turks. "Well, I can't say that I'm alone, of course."
"Eh?" pips Duo.
"I know you have been playing this...Playstation," starts Reno. "Played FF8?"
"Grr..." remembers Nate.
"Yes, I see that you have. Anyway, remember the sorceress's spirit? It fled into a new host."
Duo hits the computer board rather hard. "New host? The hell's going on, pal?!"
"Calm yourself," says Reno calmly. "Oh, Aeris?"
Aeris, or at least, someone who looks like Aeris, slowly, like a zombie, walks into the viewscreen view.
"I was fishing one day...in the City of the Ancients, don't ask why," begins Reno. "Anyway, something grabs my hook, I pull, and what do you know...Aeris pops out, possessed by the spirit of the sorceress!" Reno pauses before adding, "Quite ironic."
Vincent cocks an eyebrow. "Aeris? This is impossible..."
"Yeah!" yells Nate. "Crossovers can't happen in real life!"
"Well, look at her," says Reno.
"You pitiful humans will succumb to the power of torture sent to you by none other than me, the sorceress who shall have your souls!" says Aeris.
"Hmm...she does seem slightly different..." says Vincent.
"Yeah, normally she's not so, I dunno, evil," adds Duo.
"Possession sucks," continues Nate.
"Anyway," says Reno. "She will be sending you fanfiction through some sort of telepathy...or something, I don't know the details."
"Wait a minute!" says Nate. "There's still one thing I don't understand!"
"One thing?" interject Duo and Vincent.
"Yeah...why are you doing this?"
"The new Shinra president, much like young dead blond boy Rufus, wishes to instill fear in the minds of the people. He wants to know if this experiment will work."
"But..." starts Duo.
"Enough!" yells Reno. "Being a Turk, I could have been sent to much better jobs than experimentation, therefore, I won't waste time. Your first tale, well...under my supervision, that is, is a rather strange piece called '50/50' and it is written by Death's Angel. Do enjoy."
"Damn..." starts Nate. "I thought we were done--"
"Ah, wait a minute!" says Reno. "I've compiled your new theme music. It will be playing as you enter the theater behind you. Aeris, send them the fic...now."
Aeris begins chanting. "WHOOOO DU BU!" she yells as a bright light flashes in front of her hands.
Suddenly, all too familiar lights and buzzers ring throughout the satellite. "Here we go again, guys..." says Nate. "IT'S FANFIC SIIIGGGNNNN!!!!"
In the not too distant future
In a nearby time and space
Nate Garrack and his two good friends
Are caught in a real bad place!
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all
While I monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Nate can't control
Where the stories begin or end!
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his two good friends!
Riffer role call!
Nate! (Are we still here?)
Vincent! (...)
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...
I should really just relax!
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!
(TWANG!)
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone enters the theater, sitting, from left to right, Vincent, Nate, and Duo)
Nate: That's our new song?
Duo: That sucks ass.
Vincent: I cannot believe we are still here...
Nate: (Sighs) Well, it's starting.
50/50
Nate: Don't you hate it when that's your last lifeline?
By Death's Angel
Vincent: Bit of a contradictory name, if you think about it...
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Duo: Damn, have they still not paved that damn road?
Disclaimers: I do not own Final Fantasy VII.
Vincent: And for that alone, I am eternally greatful.
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Nate: That's what happens when scratch your fingernails on the chalkboard.
Tifa lowered her head, "It seems only right that we pay our respects to everyone that died at the crater...
Vincent: Yes, all...none of them.
Duo: Unless they feel it necessary to respect Jenova SYNTHESIS, her right and left tentacles, and Sephiroth...
Nate: And all those millions of Magic Pots they slaughtered...may their souls rest in peace...
That was where it all ended."
Vincent: Then why is this story even being written? It ended...hmph.
"Why should we even go?"
Vincent: Thank you, Cloud...or whomever said that.
Cloud met her eyes,
Duo: (Cloud) It's a pleasure. Name's Strife. Cloud Strife.
Nate: (Tifa's Eyes) Hey there! I'm Eyes. Tifa's Eyes.
"Didn't we pay our respects when we killed Sephiroth?"
Nate: They payed their respects to Aeris a hell of a lot sooner than that! Stop the respecting!
"No, not like that. I mean that we should perform something like a small funeral service for all those that died...
Duo: Aeris is really the only IMPORTANT person that died...the rest were all a generic jumble of polygons.
Vincent: Hmm...
It seems only right..." Tifa turned and looked out the window in the highwind.
Nate: (Tifa) Should the ground be coming towards us this fast?
"After all, we took many of those lives ourselves, the soldiers we killed, the innocents that were in the way..."
Vincent: Does she have a point?
Duo: She feels way too sorry for generic no-name people. You kill a Shinra soldier, just walk along some more, there's another one that looks just like him!
Nate: 60% of FF7's population are clones.
A tear slid down her face, "And we drug Aeris into this mess..."
Duo: It's their fault for drugging Aeris before she went all stoned to that City of the Ancients.
"I doubt Aeris minded.
Vincent: (Cloud) I certainly do not mind...
She was willing to give her life for the planet."
Nate: (Cloud) Tifa! That happened twenty years ago! Get over it! Let's talk about NOW! NOT THEN!
"She *did* give her life for the planet.
Duo: Which she previously said and you just repeated, Cloud.
Nate: Well, she *did* previous say that and Cloud *did* just repeat it...
Duo: Shut up.
But I don't think she'd intended to when at that alter in the Forgotten City."
Vincent: Er...intend to what?
Duo: She didn't intend to win at the altar. Aeris was a big-time compulsive gambler, but she also hated herself and money. Very sad...
"What do you mean?"
Nate: At least Cloud's as confused as we are.
"Think about it, Cloud.
Nate: (Cloud) A duh...think? What's that like?
She was always so bright, so optimistic..
Duo: Other than that she was pretty dull.
She talked about the future more than any of us... I think she wasn't planning on giving her life for the planet at that time... She was planning on coming back... She had to be..."
Nate: Wow...it's almost like that was ripped right from the game and typed into text...
Duo: Nah...
Tifa held back the rest of her tears
Vincent: Until they forced through her barrier, streaming out of her eyes, ejecting them from their sockets...and--
Nate: Whoa, whoa, okay, pal...
and turned to face Cloud.
Duo: (Tifa) Oh, there you are!
"And whether or not you are coming, I'm going to see who else will go with me."
Vincent: (Chuckles) Good luck...
~*~*~*~*~
Vincent: Yes...a well-placed shot is aimed between their eyes...
Tifa gazed down into the large, gaping wound in the planet.
Nate: (Tifa) The wound of the Planet...one that Sephiroth hoped to create in larger proportions to destroy the entire human race...
Duo: (Cloud) No no, it's next to that!
Briefly she wondered how long it would take to heal the crater,
Duo: Sheesh, just have some people pour dirt and rubble into the crater...good as new!
then pushed the thought out of her mind. "And, Aeris, you once told me that you loved violets, and I agreed with you that they were beautiful.
(Nate furiously thumbs through the FF7 script)
Nate: When did that happen?!
I want you to know that this is the only place I can think of to give you this,"
Vincent: (Tifa) Here, have some lint...
she tossed a purple flower down,
Duo: By the way, isn't Aeris buried, y'know, somewhere else?
Nate: Tifa's not always the brightest of the bunch...
"I'm sorry I got you into this..." She bit her lip
Nate: Yeah, if she can find it. Did FF7 characters even have lips?
and resisted the urge to cry again. Damn, she was weak, how did she make it through the war...?
Duo: Tifa was probably out of place with all those other vets.
She was so weak...
Nate: No kidding, only wusses cry when their dearest friend dies. Heh, what a loser.
Vincent: That was excellent, Nate.
Cloud placed a hand on her shoulder and she felt the hot tears flood her eyes.
Duo: (Tifa) Oh my God! They're burning!
Nate: Flesh-melting tears, makes you think twice before getting upset about something...
He pulled her into his embrace
Vincent: And then pushed her into the crater...
and walked her away from the crater. She pressed her face to his chest and cried.
Vincent: (Cloud) Now now, Tifa...do not rust my armor.
The sound of snow crunching under heavy boots caused them to look up.
Nate: (Cloud) It's alright, Tifa. It's just the local cannibals.
Obviously Vincent and Barret were suspicious
Duo: Well, being suspicious is usually a constant for Barret.
because they each nodded toward each other slightly and moved on either side of the figure in front of them.
Vincent: Barret shoots from the left whilst I shoot from the right...
A pair of silver tipped boots were all that was visible other than the black cape and a hood was pushed up enough to cast a shadow over their face.
Nate: (Barret) Damn, Vivi! Get the hell outta there!
Duo: (Vivi) Sorry...
They held the reins of a black chocobo in a black gloved hand.
Duo: Someone got really pissed off after Teioh won so many races. Must've shot him from the Junon cannon and into the snow.
Walking up to the edge, a soft, female voice said softly, "Sephiroth?"
Nate: No, it's Vivi!
Duo: No, it's an FFT Black Mage!
Vincent: It's Cid in a black mage costume doing a very bad joke.
"He's dead."
Vincent: We concluded this by looking at his boots.
"No he isn't."
Nate: (Barret) Then let's just suffocate him with yellow snow!
Suddenly Vincent and Barret grabbed her.
Duo: Er...grabbed who?
Holding her by the arms she struggled to get out. "Lemme go, bastards!"
Vincent: Maybe if we knew who you were, we would comply.
"As much as I'd like the son of my beloved to be saved, we can't let you go down there until you explain yourself."
Vincent: I will safely assume that I said that...
"Who I am is of no importance,
Duo: The hell it isn't! It could help the dying plot a little!
let me help him.
Nate: Who? The dead black mage?
Lemme go or he will remain there until I can help him to heal him."
(Everyone blinks for a moment and rereads the screen)
Nate: Uh...ow...
"You, nor anyone else, will save him. He deserves to die."
(Everyone laughs)
Vincent: They have only assumed that that is Sephiroth...
Duo: I know they'd feel like asses if it was some girl scout or something.
"No more than you do, Cloud Strife, number 3."
Nate: (Host) You chose Bachelor Number 3! Come out so she can see who she's won!
Duo: (Girl) Eww...I change my mind!
Her voice was cold and hit Cloud with an icy shock.
Vincent: Otherwise known as Ice 3.
"What did you call me?"
Nate: (Cloud) Whatcha talkin' about, Willis?
"Cloud Strife, born in Nibelhiem, age twenty-one, blood type __,
Duo: His blood type is two underscores?
Vincent: Hmm...I knew Cloud had genetic problems, but...
Sephiroth-clone number three. Status, failure."
Nate: (Cloud) Oh, well thank you, Commander Data.
He turned around and glared at her angrily.
Vincent: Does no one make eye contact until they are deep in conversation?
Duo: In this story, absolutely!
"I am *not* a Sephiroth clone."
Duo: More like a carbon copy...a rough draft, if you will.
"Only because you and Zack escaped.
Vincent: Er...so when he escaped, any prospect of him being a clone instantly vanished?
Nate: I'll have to smile and nod on this one.
I never got a thank you from either of you,"
Duo: (Cloud) Oh, of course, er...!#$^ you.
she hissed softly, "Now let me go and let me help my brother."
Nate: Damn, this is really confusing...
Duo: Well, since she's a black mage-like person, maybe her brother's one of those red or blue or white mages.
Vincent: Maybe the entire cast of the story should have their heads burst into flames...
(Nate and Duo ad lib agreement)
"Your brother?!" Everyone turned to stare at her.
Duo: Well, yeah...that's what she said!
"What do you mean?"
Vincent: A brother, a sibling, another offspring that is male besides oneself, a--
Nate: Yes, yes, we know what brothers are.
"..."
Nate: Sorry, Vincent. She took your material.
Vincent: ...
She laughed softly, "You are an idiot.
Duo: And you, little missy, have no name.
Nate: Maybe we should just call her Heroine, kinda like Suikoden.
Duo: We have that game too?
Nate: Lots of games, my friend.
Duo: Why the hell didn't you tell me?!
Nate: Well, I wanted to play them all for myself. I mean...I know it sounds selfish, but I want everything for me, you see.
Duo: Oh...
Did you really not think about it?
Vincent: Fanfiction, thinking need not apply.
Hojo couldn't have some super-human in the lab without something to test the strength to.
Vincent: If he can summon a giant meteor, he could probably pass for "strong".
I was the second one.
Nate: Sephirothine.
Duo: Sephirothanne.
Vincent: Cindyroth.
I was never counted as a Sephiroth clone though because I was female.
Duo: So only men can test men as a basis for strength? Isn't this author female?
Nate: Maybe a masculinist female.
To them, I was completely ignorant of everything because I was female.
Vincent: Nate...Duo...I suggest for your own safety, you refrain from any female- crushing comments.
Nate and Duo: We'll try...
My name is Fiona.
Nate: Apple.
Duo: Heh, she's got the right character for it.
I have no number or status.
Vincent: I myself have many statuses. Strength, Vitality, Dexterity, Spirit--
Duo: Wang...
I was born in a lab
Nate: More and more protagonists are getting either killed or born in labs...we must look into this.
and my mother killed by a man known as Hojo immediately after my birth. I never knew my father.
Nate: (Fiona) He drove an ice cream truck filled with weapons and his head was always on fire...
I had one person in this world,
Duo: Her dummy, Chuckles!
and that was Sephiroth.
Vincent: Sephiroth is the ideal person to bring one's problems to.
True, he was four years older than me, but he was like a brother to me."
Vincent: (Fiona) Hmm...not brother as much as genetically enhanced superior-powered god- like being...
Cloud pushed her hood back to reveal
Nate: Good God, no! Never, ever, try to see what a black mage really looks like!
Duo: But...she's not a black mage...
Nate: DON'T DO IT, CLOUD! SAVE YOURSELF!
a young woman with black hair that had silver streaks and eyes as pale green as the mist that hung around a mako reactor.
Vincent: Oh, it is simply Sephiroth with makeup on.
"Why should we trust you?"
Duo: (Fiona) I've got one of those promise rings.
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...
"Vincent. Please let her go."
Duo: Especially when you have your hands in THOSE places.
Vincent: Hmph.
"Lucrecia."
(Everyone laughs)
Nate: Kind of an odd response, isn't it?
Duo: Oh, it's just his language, entirely comprised of the name "Lucrecia".
Vincent: Lucrecia...
Duo: See? He just said, "Mom, I want a sandwich."
Nate: Oh...
"Stay back. Just let Fiona go.
Vincent: Why is Lucrecia always telling me to "stay back"?
Duo: The restraining order's still in effect, man.
Nate: And if you hang on to her, Fiona might lapse into another depressing song!
She will save my beloved son... And my sanity."
Duo: (Lucrecia) WHOOO HO!!! WHEEEE!!! I'M !#$^!#^ NUTS!!! YAHOO!!!!!
Lucrecia suddenly clutched at her stomach
Duo: Hoo boy...time of the month again...
Vincent: Please do not say that...
Duo: But it is!
and Vincent grabbed her as she fell off the chocobo.
Vincent: There now, I am helping her, that does not call for a "stay back" comment.
"Lucrecia... Why do you insist that I stay back...?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Vincent! The relationship ended five years ago! Get over it!
"I fear that you are angry with me...
Vincent: Oh, I am sure she interprets my affections and desire for revenge at her peril as being..."angry".
Or worse, will no longer love me once you see what I have become."
Vincent: Have you looked at me? I am a bit different myself...
Lucrecia nodded and Barret let Fiona go.
Duo: Cool, I never knew Barret and Lucrecia had a telepathic understanding!
The girl instantly started climbing down into the crater.
Nate: Well, not climbing as much as...well...falling rapidly.
"Vincent...
Vincent: Yes?
I have become a monster.
Vincent: Really? Me too...
I can no longer hide my sins.
Vincent: I follow...
I was not there for Sephiroth,
Vincent: We killed him, if that is any consolation...
Nate: (Whispers to Duo) He talks too much when Lucrecia talks...
Duo: Bet they're mean in the sack...
Nate: Duo!
Duo: You know they are!
Vincent: Pardon?
Nate: Er...he said goats lean on his back.
Vincent: I see...
I let him go in the name of science
Nate: (Dexter) It is a good day for science!
and look at what resulted..."
Duo: A video game of sorts...
"Lucrecia."
Nate: Vincent, if you whisper her name, we're not talking to you for a week.
Vincent: Is that supposed to bother me?
Nate: Oh yeah...
Vincent: Lucrecia...
Duo: Dammit!
Vincent held her with his bad hand
Duo: (Chuckling) Oooo...his bad hand? What's it touching?
and used his good one to smooth out her hair.
Nate: Soon I bet he'll grow more hands and they'll name them after the Dwarfs.
"And what's more... Hojo did one more experiment on me...
Duo: (Lucrecia) I was cross-bred with Carol Channing...
Nate: (Carol Channing) And then we can all cuddle with lil' Sephiwoth! Oh...do you wanna? Wanna cuddle?
(Vincent shudders)
He has altered me to the point that when I get to angry,
(Everyone laughs, even Vincent, despite himself)
Duo: (Lucrecia) Yep, it's official. I have now reached Angry!
I transform into a monster and lose any and all self control I may have..."
Vincent: Hmm...that almost sounds like exactly what happened to me...oh, wait...it is...
"Lucrecia, I will always love you.
Nate: (Vincent) Me love you long time!
Vincent: That sounds nothing like me...
And I should be the one worrying that you will not accept me.
Nate: Great, now he's reciting lines from a Thomas Hardy novel.
Look at me Lucrecia.
Duo: (Lucrecia) I'd rather not.
Vincent: Hmph.
I have a golden claw for a hand.
Nate: (Vincent) Well, actually that's just a really cool golden rubber glove with sharp tips. It's neat!
I do the same thing whenever I get terribly angry..."
Duo: Hey, I'm getting angry at all this. Why don't I transform?
He took one of her hands
Vincent: Out of how many?
Nate: Hands are an important theme in this story.
in his good one and brought it up to his face.
Duo: And then he ate it. Good night, everybody!
Kissing it gently,
Nate: (Lucrecia) You're making me angry, Vincent...I...ARRRGGHHHH!!!
he smiled slightly. "I have even lost most capability to show emotions on my face..."
Vincent: Well, most of my face is shrouded and concealed...so that only makes sense.
"Somebody help me, please," Fiona appeared, dragging Sephiroth with her.
Duo: Er...okay, so when everyone killed Sephiroth and his one-winged angel body was totally incinerated...he just got knocked unconscious and turned back to normal?
Nate: The answer is five.
She winced as his body jolted and suddenly fell.
Vincent: Back into the crater...
Nate: Hmm...I don't remember any Jolt spells in FF7...
Duo: But the drink sure is good.
"I... can't take.... this pain anymore...."
Vincent: Seems that the story has gotten to her as well...
She then passed out.
Nate: (Fred from Scooby Doo) Now let's find out who Fiona really is!
Barret slung Sephiroth over one shoulder and Fiona over the other.
Duo: (Cloud) Barret, it's not necessary to put them in bags AND embalm them. They're not even dead...
Nate: (Barret) I pity da' fool who don't let me embalm people!
"So, Cloud, whatcha want me to do with them?"
Vincent: (Cloud) Well...I do feel slightly...pekish...
Nate and Duo: Yuck! Gross, man.
Lucrecia looked up. "My baby... Vincent...
Vincent: No, I am actually quite grown up, Lucrecia.
I-I want to see what he looks like."
Duo: She's had the whole time to at least take a peek! Just look, woman!
"He looks like shit right now, ma'am.
Nate: (Hillbilly accent) We turned 'em into fertilizer, ma'am.
If ya don't mind me saying.
Duo: I'm sure everyone's grown used to Cid's or Barret's talk at this point. No one really cares what he says.
Vincent, help your chick on the Highwind.
Vincent: Certainly, but what about Lucrecia?
We all need to get out of this cold." Cid scratched the back of his head,
Nate: (Cid) Damned lice...
"And Cloud, you might wanna carry Tifa, she looks like she cried herself to sleep."
Vincent: (Cid) Actually, she froze to death rather quickly. I suppose I could have offered her my jacket...
Vincent swept Lucrecia in his arms
Duo: With a broom, I guess.
and walked toward the large airship with Barret right behind him.
Nate: (Hans) Yah, only the big muscle men can survive the cold!
Duo: (Franz) Yah, look at the little girly girls that we carry with our bulging biceps!
Cloud carefully pulled Tifa up into his arms wher he was holding her
Duo: C'mon, more detail! Where he is holding her? Is he holding those...er...arms?
Vincent: Excellent save, my friend.
off the ground and walked toward it
Nate: Toward what? Her arms? The ground?
and Nanaki smiled one of his strange smiles as he hopped in.
Duo: (Red XIII as frat boy) Party, man! I call shotgun! Whooo!
Yuffie looked around for a moment.
Vincent: She is dumbfounded whenever something...anything...actually happens...
"Cid, carry me."
Duo: (Cid) Sure, I'll impale you my spear and roast you for supper!
Nate: Was that some kind of euphemism?
Duo: Er...
"What the hell?! Why?"
Vincent: He overreacts at every single thing that happens.
"Cause all the human males that are awake are carrying someone cept you. Can't break a trend now..."
Vincent: (Cid) No...but I could break your spine...
"Sorry, Yuff. You can walk."
Nate: (Yuffie) But I don't know how!
And he turned away from her. She put her hands on her hips.
Duo: She was then a little worried when the ship started taking off...
"That's mean! Remember! I'm the Lady of Wutai!!"
Vincent: Many of us may argue on that point...
Noticing everyone had left she frowned. "Hey!! WAIT UP! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"
Nate: (Cloud) Hurry, Cid! Go now!
Duo: (Cid) !@%!@%!!!! I'M TRYING!!!
She started to run onto the ship,
Vincent: But instead ran into the ship, crushing her face.
then looked at the chocobos.
Nate: (Christopher Walken) Look, these chocobos are like...a big bag...of Skittles...grape, strawberry, watermelon...all the wonderful fruit flavors. They share a rainbow of color. But, I'm sorry...I just need...more cowbell...
She sighed, grabbed their reins and ran onto the ship.
Duo: Someone needs to grab Yuffie's reins and choke her.
Nate: Hey, let's go talk to Reno.
Vincent: Why?
Nate: Look at us! We're not exactly goin' nuts or anything. Maybe if we show that to him then he'll quit the experiment and let us go home!
Duo: Hey, yeah!
Vincent: I suppose it is worth trying...
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Nate punches the computer panel to call Reno. Shortly thereafter his image appears on the screen. "Uh...hey, Reno?" says Nate.
"What the hell are you doing? Get back in the theater!" responds an angry Reno.
"Listen, pal, we ain't exactly goin' nuts or losing our senses!" yells back Duo.
"Your point? So what if one experiment doesn't cut your strings? I have many more experiments. We just need to alter some variables and such," retorts Reno.
"Hmm..." exclaims Vincent. "By the way...who is the new president of Shinra?"
"That's classified, Valentine," says Reno. "But if he ever stops by, I'll introduce you."
"And what's Aeris doing?" asks Nate.
"Oh yeah..." begins Reno. "Aeris, or the Sorceress, whichever, said that she had bring hellfire down on some nearby towns or something. Something mundane."
"But--" starts Duo.
"Goodbye, enjoy your fic," says Reno as his image vanishes.
Nate sighs heavily. "Hey, you guys wanna get in some black mage costumes?"
"What?" asks Vincent in utter confusion.
"I always wondered if everyone's eyes always turn all beady and yellow when they put those things on. We should find out!" says Nate passionately.
"We'll put all the fic's themes into our costumes, it'll be...well...weird, but kinda cool," decides Duo.
"I fail to understand either of you," bluntly states Vincent.
Nate is about to comment again, but lights and sirens start to shine and sound through the room. "Damn, fanfic sign...we'll decide on this later!" Everyone quickly runs into the theater.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone takes their seats)
Duo: Do we even have black mage costumes?
Nate: Hell if I know. We have missle turrets and other random things up here. I wouldn't be surprised.
Vincent: It is starting.
~*~*~*~*~
Nate: Watch out! A horizontal Bolt spell!
Vincent settled Lucrecia on a bed
Duo: Heh, heh...in bed!
Nate: That line works in most cases, but here it kinda fails.
Duo: Yeah, it fails...in bed!
Nate: Okay, just stop.
in the new 'conference room'.
Nate: When did the Highwind have an "old" conference room?
Vincent: We did have a room to perform operations in...
In actuallity, Cid had turned it into a large bedroom/infirmary.
Duo: Yes, while he turned the bridge into a makeshift recreational room, complete with billard tables and spas.
It had six bunk-beds and three large cabnits.
Vincent: All in that single small room?
Nate: Six very very cramped bunkbeds and three large cabinets stacked on top of them.
One held medical things,
Duo: Otherwise known as Cid's crack.
the second held weapons and materia,
Vincent: Why would an infirmary need items that cause bodily harm?
while the third held food.
Nate: Unfortunately, he hadn't changed out that cabinet in years.
He kneeled beside Lucrecia and touched her forehead.
Vincent: Ah...I am performing a psychic reading.
"Vincent... Please... Where's Sephiroth?"
Vincent: I already lied about that question once...must I do it again?
"A friend has him.."
Duo: ...In bed!
Nate: Shut up!
"I need to tell you something, Vincent...
Duo: (Lucrecia) You're crushing my forehead...
Sephiroth isn't-"
Nate: Straight?
Duo: An actual man?
Vincent: ...In this story?
She stopped talking as Barret came in.
Nate: In Barret's case, he stomped and galloped in.
He dumped Fiona on a top bunk beside Lucrecia,
(Duo makes glass breaking noise)
Nate: (Barret) My bad, yo!
who was in the next to last bed,
Vincent: Here, let us refer to the flow chart...
and dropped Sephiroth in the bottom bunk.
Duo: Um...why is Barret just tossing them like basketballs?
Nate: He must think that they're furniture or something.
Lucrecia was shocked at the way they treated him.
Vincent: Barret is a "they"?
Nate: I don't recall Barret ever being enveloped in symbiote.
"Why are you so rough with him?
(Duo opens his mouth, as if to say something
Nate: Duo, if you say that line again, I will personally make sure that you lack the ability to ever perform "in bed" again!
(Duo shuts his mouth)
Sephiroth... My baby..."
Nate: (Barret) And our dinner!
She crawled over to where she could lean over him and studied him carefully.
Vincent: She acts like an anatomy student...
"My poor child..."
Duo: No wonder Sephiroth was able to nearly destroy the world! Look how spoiled he is!
"Vincent, make sure Sephiroth don't cause no trouble. Caus if he does.... I'm taking him out."
Vincent: Er...Lucrecia? Are you alright?
Nate: Those ebonics classes are really helping her out!
Vincent nodded and walked over to Lucrecia, who gently touched Sephiroth's face.
Vincent: And then tore it open with her fingernails.
"He grew up to be so handsome..."
Duo: He wasn't exactly a ladies' man, though.
Barret left, and Vincent
Nate: Also left, because Lucrecia was becoming very annoying and whiney.
Vincent: I doubt I would do that...
Nate: You know you would!
Vincent: Hmm...
sighed softly. Lucrecia turned to look at him.
Duo: (Lucrecia) You know, he got all the "weird" genes from you, mister!
"Vincent. Sephiroth... He... Well... He's your son."
Vincent: Hmm...shall we kill him and collect insurance?
Vincent stared open mouthed at her.
Nate: Realizing that he now had many child support bills to pay.
"Mine? B-But... I... We... Only once...
Duo: (Vincent) Would like...to...do...again!
I thought.... Isn't he Hojo's?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Actually, she's Yuffie's...
Vincent: Eh? How is that?
Nate: (Lucrecia) She's a man!
Vincent: ...She is?
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, Yuffie just dresses girly. I mean, just look at Kuja! He's a man, too.
Vincent: You may be on to something...
"No!" Lucrecia glared at him.
Duo: PMS attack! Run for your lives!
"That's what made you angry wasn't it?
Vincent: No, just the thought of Hojo trying to perform with a woman is laughable.
It wasn't that we used your child...
Nate: (Lucrecia) We did, however, use him as a basketball. Such a chubby child!
You thought I was going to sleep with Hojo, right?"
Vincent: Any thought of that occurring simply made me laugh in disbelief...
Vincent nodded slowly.
Duo: Nodded off slowly to sleep, that is.
"You didn't have faith in me?"
Nate: Vincent, are you on some kind of gameshow?
Duo: (Vincent) I'll take Guess Your Lover's Secrets for 800.
"I wasn't sure what to think.
Nate: (Vincent) So I didn't.
One day we would discuss our wedding plans and how exactly we were going to afford it at the time,
Vincent: For some reason that filthy, homeless person who said he could perform weddings just was not suitable for Lucrecia.
then the next you would be off in your own world talking about biving birth to an Ancient...
Vincent: Which is why I sent you to that institution...
Duo: The one with the clown-people.
I didn't even consider that the one time could..."
Nate: Vincent, next time, use Latex Condoms instead of Swiss Cheese Condoms.
"Impregnate me?"
Duo: (Vincent) What? Sex impregnates people?
"Right." He grabbed her hands. "Lucrecia, forgive me?"
Nate: (Lucrecia) Sure, just stop squeezing my hands so hard...that claw hurts like ass!
"Only if you would me."
Duo: Was a "do" left out of that statement?
Vincent: I somehow doubt it.
"I did a long time ago."
Vincent: By cursing myself and sleeping for years.
He pulled her into his arms once more and she clutched Sephiroth's hand in a death-like grip.
Nate: So Sephiroth's dead now?
Duo: The end! Yahoo!
Vincent: Not quite.
Duo: Ah, damn.
~*~*~*~*~
Nate: It's several clones of that Kwik-E-Mart guy's wife from the Simpsons.
"Cloud... What're we gonna do 'bout Sephiroth and that girl, Fiona?"
Duo: (Cloud) Since our plan was to kill Sephiroth, we may as well stick with that...and Fiona, I'll just use the backspace key and get ride of all of her mentionings.
Yuffie looked up, happy they weren't moving quite yet.
Vincent: Until Cid changed the Highwind into third gear, in which case Yuffie choked and died on her own vomit...
"...."
Nate: Damn, Vincent, you gotta do something about the other characters monopolizing your lines!
Vincent: ...
Nate: Yeah, no kidding.
Duo: He didn't say anything, Nate.
Nate: No, no, "..." is his way of saying that those lines belong to him and he will kill anybody who tries stealing them.
Duo: All that from "..."?
"Cloud... Have you decided what to do with Sephiroth?"
Duo: (Cloud) I already told you! "..."!
Vincent walked in slowly, watching everyone,
Nate: All two of them.
but keeping his eyes on Cloud in his strange way of looking at people.
Vincent: Do I really look at people that strangely?
Duo: That's why people usually run from you or avoid eye contact.
Vincent: That could explain it...
"Not yet."
Nate: Which he previously alluded to in his "..." speech.
"Every life is precious, even that of your enemy's."
Vincent: That is why instead of killing them, you must inflict severe torture.
Lucrecia walked even slower behind him. She looked at no one.
Nate: Damn! Why does no one ever look at anyone in this story!? Vincent's able to look at people, but even he just stares at 'em or freaks them out! This is freaky, unearthly social interaction!
"Just remember that in your discision."
Duo: (Cloud) Right, let's kill the bastards!
"Sephiroth is a jerk and tried to destroy the planet.
Nate: And all big meanies and poopheads bent on global destruction must die.
We should leave him up here to die!"
Vincent: In the Highwind where he has plenty of provisions and medical aid? What an odd plan...
Yuffie glared at them. "He's not changed!"
Duo: I'd say that Sephiroth's a little more quiet and mortally wounded than he normally is.
"And from where are you speaking, Miss?"
Vincent: (Yuffie) A few feet in front of you, where you fail to look at me.
Lucrecia finally looked at her. "From personal views?"
Nate: (Yuffie) No, from my ass.
"I'll have you know that now I am the lady of Wutai,
Duo: (Shakes his head) Try the Tomboy Bitch of Wutai.
and you had better show me the respect I deserve.
Vincent: (Lucrecia) Yes, you are right...Yuffie...? Go to your room.
I am only speaking for the good of Wutai.
All: Shut up...
And probably the rest of the world too.
All: Shut up!
You shouldn't let your own attachment as a mother affect your judgment.
All: SHUT UP, YUFFIE!
It is unwise, and usually unhealthy for you, if you know what I mean."
Nate and Duo: SHUT THE !$%$ UP YOU LITTLE !#$^%#$^!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Hmm...I can not manage to bring my voice that high.
"Where did that come from, Yuffie?"
Duo: Again, her ass.
Red turned to face her.
Nate: (Chuckles) Can no one start conversations looking at each other in this story?
"I've never seen you so serious."
Vincent: That is because no one takes her seriously.
"All ninjas are serious when it comes to the good of their continents."
Duo: Okay, Yuffie. Do you have a deed to that continent?
She narrowed her eyes.
Vincent: And then I gouged them out...
"..."
Vincent: Hmm...I have been around Lucrecia so much that she has been talking like me...
"He's a cold, heartless killer!
Nate: C'mon, other than that, he's a great guy!
How can you still be thinking about it?!"
Duo: Thinking about what? You mean "..."? That means NOTHING! They aren't thinking about ANYTHING! So everyone kill Yuffie now!
Vincent: Excellent...
Yuffie's voice was a near screech.
Nate: Damn, I hope she doesn't become Screech's girlfriend in Final Fantasy: Saved by the Bell.
"I'm sorry you think that way..." The deep voice came from behind Lucrecia and she moved to reveal Sephiroth.
Duo: Ta-da!
One arm was across Fiona's shoulders and it was clear that was the only way he was standing.
Nate: His arm can stretch all the way to that other bunk she's lying in?
Duo: Stretch Armroth.
She had her arm linked across his back and they both shared blood and cuts,
Nate: Ah, so they peel off their scabs and trade. Cool business idea.
even though Sephiroth was the only one to have been hurt.
Vincent: Well, obviously Fiona is hurt too, is she not?
"Sephiroth. You're awake..."
Duo: (Sephiroth) Yeah, and I summoned Meteor again, so NYA!
"Fiona, you two should be resting... It's not good for you to be up yet."
Nate: (Fiona) Sorry, I was just trading my scab that looks like a whale for Sephiroth's that looks like Whistler's mother.
"No." Sephiroth raised one hand weakly.
Duo: (Lucrecia) Save your questions 'till class is over, Sephiroth! You were always a horrible son!
Vincent: ...I have no son.
"If it's my fate you're deciding and I think I should be here for it."
(Everyone laughs)
Nate: Relax, Sephiroth. They just want you to rest...I wouldn't call that an act of Fate.
Fiona settled him with his back to the wall and he leaned back,
Vincent: The wall was weak, however, and Sephiroth fell out of the Highwind and landed 25,000 feet later back in the Northern Cave.
closing his eyes momentarily. Then they snapped open.
Duo: Cool, just like those Bugs Bunny cartoons!
"I should tell you, there's only one way to kill me."
All: ???
Vincent: Must have gotten slightly ahead of themselves...whoever is talking, that is...
Duo: Right...slightly...
Fiona glared at Cloud, and then resumed checking how bad Sephiroth was injured.
Nate: (Fiona) Well, Sephiroth...I hope you don't mind having half of your body being reconstructed out of metal...and having your penis replaced with a thumbtack.
"How's that?" Cloud raised a hand when Barret started to say something.
Duo: Er...he's actually raising his hand to ask questions?
Nate: Wow, and we were all just joking about that earlier...
"... Fiona here is my counter part.
Vincent: Ah, then everything makes perfect sense...
We are basically, not,
All: ???
Vincent: Eh? Did he just take back what he said?
Nate: He's trying to tell a joke, but he's doing a sucky job at it.
so rough, Fee.
Duo: (Fiona) Ona. Fee followed by Ona. Fiona.
We are basically two sides of the same coin..."
Duo: So they both have male and female--
Nate: Don't ask!
Fiona, finally, nodded her approval and walked, or rather, limped over to Lucrecia and began to talk quietly with her.
Vincent: Girl talk, no doubt.
Nate: (Lucrecia) And, oh my God, Vincent kissed my the other day! I was all, WHOA!
Duo: (Fiona) No way! And, WHOA, Sephiroth and I are SO TOTALLY psychically linked! WHOA!
"Our hearts beat at a simoutaneous pace.
Vincent: ...Whatever "simoutaneous" that means.
Duo: Maybe she meant spontaneous?
Vincent: Both of their hearts beat at random times? That is not healthy...
To kill me, at the same instant you must kill Fiona.
Nate: (Cloud) Since you've been talking about it so much, then fine! Let's try it!
And I mean down to the dot.
Duo: (Sephiroth) Okay...maybe give or take fifteen minutes...but other than that, ON THE DOT!
You must get our hearts to stop beating at the same moment in time."
Nate: I wonder if Sephiroth and Fiona are on the same menstrual cycle.
"How is it fucking possible to be linked like that?!"
Duo: Y'know, Vincent, I'd die of shock if you suddenly started talking like that.
Vincent: Many authors do that for me, you know...
Nate: Die of shock?
Vincent: No...make me swear.
Nate: Oh.
Cid looked up from his precious plane rather quickly.
Vincent: Forgetting that he should be using the controls and not crash...
"That ain't fucking human!"
Nate: Didn't they establish Sephiroth's inhumanity a really long time ago?
Duo: Cid just has a delayed reaction problem.
"... Sephiroth isn't human."
Nate and Duo: DUH!
Vincent: We know...
Red watched Sephiroth intently.
Duo: Before madly humping his protruding leg.
"He's no Cetra, and he's not a part of Jenova's race, but he's not human either."
Nate: Is there a point to all this?
"No, but I am Cetra." Fiona turned from Lucrecia for a moment.
Vincent: I thought they were two sides of the same coin? I thought everything about them was identical? Why is she a--
Nate: Smile and nod! For your own sake, man!
"My mother once accidentally cut herself with one of the trays that was held some Cetra cells. The cut drew blood and the cells entered her body.
Duo: (Sarcastically) Oh...how creative...
When she gave birth to me, she had no idea that her daughter would be Cetra.
Nate: They named her "Cetra"?
Vincent: And she turned out to be a Cetra herself. What a coincidence...
She never got to see me either. Hojo killed her after I was born and did away with her body...
Duo: Necrophile!
Sephiroth and I are not linked by blood, we are not blood brother and sister.
Vincent: Thus their hearts just happen to beat in rhythm...
That came from our hearts.
All: What?
Nate: (Fiona) Sephiroth, when I say we're not blood brother and sister...that came straight from my heart!
When we heard of SOLDIER we knew that if we could join that Hojo would not be allowed to test on us more.
Vincent: (Fiona) A shame that we did not know that Hojo was allowed to cut our bodies into pieces and fed them to the Shinra pets...but I digress...
We both signed up, only Sephiroth made it.
Duo: If this story leads into Cloud's flashback in Kalm...I'm gonna scream.
They didn't care that I was a good fighter. They turned me down because I was a woman."
Duo: Well, Shinra always did need cooks and whores.
Nate and Vincent: O_O
Nate: I...er...apologize on behalf of Duo for that comment...
Duo: What? I'm just saying that--
Vincent: Do not jeopardize your life any further, Duo...Women hate you now...
"When I joined SOLDIER they injected a serum in my bloodstream that made me forget most details about my past.
Nate: They injected her with Guardian Forces?
Then they told me stories about the thing they made to be my past.
Duo: (Fiona) You know, the thing!
They eradicated Fiona.
Vincent: No they did not...she is standing right there.
The only reason I remember her is because when Jenova used my body, she opened her memory banks temporarily.
Nate: What the hell? I don't unders--
Vincent: You told me to smile and nod...you should do the same...
That gave me time to read what I needed, and I relearned everything about myself."
All: Er...sure...
"Alright. But the only reason I'm letting you live is because I haven't seen Fiona do anything wrong."
Duo: (Tifa) Fiona just strangled Cid to death!
Nate: (Cloud) Eh...I'll just give her a stern warning.
^Sephiroth? Can you hear me?
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Yes...but turn that carrot down.
^^Yes, Fiona. What's wrong?
Nate: Why is there a happy faced person next to that?
^I don't like that one.. The ninja one. Something is strange about her.
Duo: (Fiona) She's not wearing pants...Is that normal?
^^What?
Duo: (Fiona sighing) SOMETHING IS STRANGE ABOUT HER!!!!!!!
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Come again?
^I don't know.
Nate: Well, thank goodness that puzzle's been solved.
"Alright. I'll agree to that."
Nate: We all agree...this story must end now.
"I can't believe I'm a part to this."
Duo: (Yuffie) Stupid orgy...
Yuffie placed her hands on her hips, then ran out as the engines came to live in the largee airplane.
Duo: Oh my God! The engine has a mind of its own! SAVE YOURSELVES!
Vincent: Hmm...odd way to end a story...but at least it is over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nate: Did they ever pave that road? There's a subplot that just went nowhere...
Alright...
All: Okay...
^ is when Fiona talks to someone mentally.
^^ is when Sephiroth talks to someone mentally.
Vincent: Should she not have told us that earlier?
Got it?
All: Huh?
Good. Feedback would be greatly appriciated... *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*
Duo: (Eric Idle) Does your wife like to take...photographs? *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge*, say no more!
Nate: Whew...let's jet, guys.
Vincent: Indeed.
(Everyone gets up and leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
"So...have your spirits been broken yet?" asks Reno. "Eh...? What the hell are you doing?"
"Nah, we're doing great!" replies someone in a black mage costume. His voice is undoubtedly Nate's.
"...How did your eyes get so beady?" asks Reno.
"Hell if I know...but for some reason I can also cast most black magic spells and conjure creepy stuff; all thanks to this costume!" replies an excited Nate. "I mean...if I had MP that would mean something..."
Duo walks in wearing a Robin Hood type outfit. "Eh...this was all I could find," states Duo.
"Yuck, man, you look...weird," says Nate with a loss for words.
"I've noticed that most forest creatures follow me around, and people seem to turn merry whenever I approach them...but other than that this suit doesn't do much..." sadly replies Duo.
Vincent walks in, looking normal. "I am not wearing that final costume," he bluntly states.
"Why not?" asks Nate in disappointment.
"It is a Dancer costume from your Final Fantasy Tactics game...I am not putting that on under any circumstances..." replies Vincent.
"Okay, all of you shut up," says Reno. "A strange side effect of reading bad fanfiction is to dress up in costumes...fascinating...Well, you can have your fun...but beware the next time I send you fanfiction...goodbye." Reno's image vanishes on the monitor.
"Well, I'm getting the hell out of this stupid-ass costume," says Duo, retiring to his room.
"I'm gonna find a way for me to get this 'MP' that you guys have," says Nate to Vincent as the former retires to his chamber.
Vincent is left alone with his thoughts on the S.O.S.R.I.. "...I still do not understand those two...I never will."
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Well, there you have it, folks. My Season Two premiere. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review as always. By all means, move on to Episode 202. Anyway, hope you enjoyed Season Two's opening. Have a good one. Peace.
"Because I am telling the truth and if you do not believe me, you can ask her." She jerked her head back and another chocobo ran up.
Nate: Ask her chocobo? That conversation would go nowhere fast.
Vincent: Is Sephiroth actually dead?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: Is Fiona telling the truth?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: May I consume you for dinner?
Duo: (Chocobo) WARK!
Vincent: I will take that as a yes...
~SpamBlade