MALICIOUSLY SMELLY TEXTFICS 3000
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone.
FROM SPAMBLADE: Be sure to check out all of my Season One episodes. They're all compiled into one big chaptered thingamajig. It'd be good to read all that before you delve into this. And I give a very special thanks to sephiroth50000 for his story "Don't Make My Mistake" and I give full credit to TBOtaku for her story "Tit for Tat". Thanks to both of you!
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I.). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!
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In the not too distant future
In a nearby time and space
Nate Garrack and his two good friends
Are caught in a real bad place!
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all
While I monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Nate can't control
Where the stories begin or end!
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his two good friends!
Riffer role call!
Nate! (Are we still here?)
Vincent! (...)
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...
I should really just relax!
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!
(TWANG!)
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"Duo Maxwell," says Nate Garrack, reading from a piece of paper. "You have been found guilty of sexual misconduct, or to be more specific, inappropriate sexual remarks during a reading of the story '50/50'. How do you plead?"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" yells Duo, sitting in a chair. "Neither of ya'll gave a rat's ass about what I said when I actually said it! What's the deal?!"
"...The Women's Union of S.O.S.R.I. Reviews has stated," begins Vincent Valentine, "that you should be punished for your 'sexist' remarks during our previous fanfiction reading."
"So what?! They can't harm any of us...we're friggin' trapped up here! What's the big deal?!"
"Quiet," bluntly says Vincent. "The union wishes for you to be abused and beaten for your behavior."
"So how do you plead?" repeats Nate.
"I'm not guilty, you moronic bitch!" yells Duo. "Who gives a !@#% about what I said?!"
"I believe the verdict is clear, Nate," says Vincent, tossing his paper aside.
"I suppose so..." says Nate. "Very well."
"Wha--what're you gonna do?" asks Duo worriedly.
"Bring 'em in!" yells Nate to Vincent.
Vincent opens a door on the other side of the room. From that door suddenly emerges several tiny blue-clad midgets wielding nightmarish-looking salmon and other various assortments of fish.
"Good God, no!" yells Duo. "You summoned midgets to beat me with fish?"
"It seemed to be the best idea," says Vincent simply.
"Ouch! @!^%!!! HELP!" yells Duo, running wildly around the room to avoid the blunt, painful attacks of sea-life.
"Hmm..." says Nate as he watches Duo being pelted with a trout, "Do you think we were too harsh?"
"It fails to bother me," shrugs Vincent. "Ah...I see that Reno is calling us."
"Hello, my friends," says Reno as his image appears on the screen. "Er..." he says as he watches the rather unusual events on the satellite. "Odd..."
"Can we help you?" asks Nate.
"HOLY !$@%#@$%!!!!!!!!!!" yells Duo as he is drawn into a corner. One menacing midget hurls a spearfish at the gundam pilot.
"I have today's experiment prepared. After...hmm...tweaking...some variables, I believe at least one of you will succumb to the power of horrible plot and painful reading."
"You always say that," says Vincent, not taking his eyes off the fish attack.
"That's not the point!" says an angry Reno. "Hmph...anyway, today's fic is an odd piece called 'Tit for Tat', written by TBOtaku. Also featured is a short called 'Don't Make my Mistake', written by sephiroth50000."
"OW! MOTHER OF...GET THEM OFF ME!!!!" exclaims a seemingly mortally wounded Duo, although he really has suffered no real wounds or scars.
"Okay, okay, guys, head on home...he's had enough," waves Nate as the midgets leave the room and the satellite.
"Ugh..." explains Duo as he lays in a crumpled heap on the ground, smelling of trout and bass.
"Well, it seems that you are all prepared," says Reno. "Aeris! Send them their fics!"
"We should really do something about Aeris's possession..." says Vincent.
"Yeah, maybe later," agrees Nate.
Aeris appears on the screen, chanting. She finishes by saying, "SCROO OOO TUUU!"
"Did she just say 'screw you too'?" asks a perplexed Nate.
"I would rather not know," answers Vincent.
"Urk..." twitches Duo.
Their conversation is interrupted as lights and buzzers careen throughout the room. "Hey, get up, Duo!" yells Nate. "WE GOT FANFIC SIIIGGGNNN!!!!"
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Nate and Vincent enter and take their respective seats)
Nate: Where's Duo?
Vincent: Recovering, I suppose.
Nate: Well, it's starting.
This is my first fanfic so constructive flaming please.
Nate: Yeah, like what we say is at all "constructive".
disclaimer: I dont own any ff charcter blah blah blah
Vincent: That depends on what 'ff' stands for.
Nate: !$#%!@& Flatulence.
Vincent: Four Feces...
on to the story
Vincent: I would much rather be in my coffin paying for sins than observe this...
It was a normal day in Costa Del Sol,
Nate: Everyone writhing with sunburn.
Tifa and Aeris were fighting,
Nate: Tifa and Aeris should audition for a Tenchi Muyo episode...
Cloud and Sephiroth were at the bar,
Vincent: I see...after Sephiroth is defeated, he becomes a depressing drunk.
Vincent and Yuffie were doing whatever they do in the basement,
(Vincent cocks an eyebrow)
Vincent: Excuse me?
Nate: (To himself) Oh, dear...(To Vincent) Playing cards, Vincent. Don't be so paranoid.
Vincent: Ah yes, yes, of course.
RedXIII slept,
Nate: While Cloud kicked a soccer ball into his head.
and Barret Cid and Cait Sith were fighting over the tv.
Vincent: People fall in love with the strangest things...
(Duo stumbles in and falls)
Duo: Oooffffff...
Nate: Good lord, man. You alright?
Duo: I need a shower...and I'm boycotting fish for a few weeks.
Vincent: Have a seat.
Duo: (Sarcastically) Thanks...
Cloud: So what should I do?
Duo: About what?
(Nate tells Duo the goings-on)
Duo: Well, have a threesome, obviously.
Vincent: Do you not remember why you were viciously beaten with fish in the first place?
Duo: C'mon, it's the logical thing to do!
Nate: (Sighs) You're hopeless, man.
Sephiroth: Well if I was you I'd break up with them both and never return.
Duo: Since when was he going out with either of them?
Nate: Cloud's too dense to actually know what's going on.
Cloud: I don't know I think that as I turn around to leave my kidneys would be in front of me.
Vincent: (Cloud) If a surgeon cut my torso open as I was in the process of turning around...
Sephiroth: Oh, ow that would hurt.
Duo: That's what all the drugs are for.
Cloud: Yeah...
Nate: Dammit, Cloud, shut up. Don't you think that these are the kinds of problems that guys WANT to have?!
Sephiroth50000:
Vincent: Eh? When did Sephiroth become upgraded?
Nate: Sephiroth version 50000.0, with new Pentium Cetra Processor.
*totally drunk off his ass* Ya know I cuold write one to obsess over sephiroth.
Duo: The hell?
Nate: Well, he's drunk...so cut him some slack.
Vincent: Why does Sephiroth say that his last name is "50000" whenever he is drunk?
Cloud: That sounds good. I don't care who gets me as long as I can get some
Duo: Period. End of sentence.
peace,
Duo: Whatever...we all know that "peace" is slang for--
Nate: Just don't say anything!
so it's your pick.
Vincent: Heh, I am sure that Sephiroth is in high demand amongst women.
Duo: According to sephiroth50000, women should be treated like stock.
Nate: Buy low, sell high?
Duo: Yeah, something like that.
Nate: Oh...
Sephiroth: You know I like Tifa so give Tifa the change.
Duo: Would she really appreciate a gift of fifty cents change?
I can't stand that annoying flower girl.
Nate: Uh oh...he'd best watch out for the Aeris fans...
Cloud: Sounds good.
Nate: (Cloud) Anything you say, Sephiroth. I'll come back and kiss your ass later.
Sephiroth: K I'll do it as soon as I finish my drink.
Vincent: Do what?
Duo: It.
Vincent: Become sober?
Duo: (Sighs) Not what I was thinking...
Cloud: Ok, I think I'll turn in see you tomorrow Seph.
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Alright, I hope your run-on sentence problem gets better.
Sephiroth: C'ya
Nate: The character of Sephiroth will be played by a drunk frat boy.
Vincent: Must be a mistake in the casting...
Sephiroth50000: Later.
Duo: When did Sephiroth undergo mitosis? There's 50,000 of them now!
*passes out*
Vincent: The author cannot handle his own horrible writing.
Nate: I wish I could pass out.
* * * * * *
Vincent: Six stars? He thinks very well of his work.
*at Villa Cloud*
Duo: Here's why you rename Cloud "Sex Factory".
Vincent: Villa Sex Factory?
Duo: Exactly! It's awesome!
Tifa: Bitch!
Aeris: Whore!
Nate: Why are Tifa and Aeris reenacting Tenchi Muyo scenes?
Vincent: No one will ever know...
Tifa: Pansy ass flower girl!
Aeris: Big breasted floozy!
Vincent: And yet they never seem to run out of new insults...
*cloud enters*
Duo: And if he's smart, he'll immediately leave.
Aeris/Tifa:CLOUD!!!
Vincent: Aeris divided by Tifa equals Cloud?
*they run up to hug him and get into another fight*
(Everyone has an eyebrow cocked in confusion)
Nate: Massacring Cloud to show their love for him...how...I dunno...sweet, I guess.
*cloud goes into the living room*
Vincent: When Tifa and Aeris come in, it will be called the dying room.
Barret: Cloud tell cancer man that you want to watch A-Team.
Nate: How come Marvel or Capcom never had a Cancer Man?
Cid: No tell Reeves %&$#ing bed toy
Duo: (Blinking) Boy toy?
Vincent: (Frustrated) Bed toy...
Duo: Either way, it still sounds disgusting.
that Dukes Of Hazzard is on.
Nate: Why the hell is he always watching that show? How does it relate to Cid at all?
Cait: Tell Mr.T Barney is on.
Duo: (Barret) I pity da foo' who don't let me watch A-Team!
*meanwhile*
Vincent: In a complete different story...
Bar tender: Get out you drunk.
Duo: Oh, okay. (Gets up)
Nate: Won't work, Duo.
(Duo sits down)
Me: Ok ok I gotta help cloud out anyway.
Vincent: When did the character Me appear in the storyline of Final Fantasy VII?
Duo: Hell if I know.
*stumbles home to computer*
Nate: Home meaning parents' basement.
Me: Ok so Seph wanted Aeris because he hates Tifa.
Duo: Hmph, and people think I womanize and patronize females...just look at this! He's trying to WRITE A FIC WHERE WOMEN ARE PASSED AROUND LIKE BUTTER AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!!
Vincent: It relieves most of your troubles, seemingly...
Duo: Yeah...
*Makes personality revision*
Nate: Sometimes authors abuse their power far too much.
Duo: Next thing ya know, Cloud's become the next pop sensation and Sephiroth tries on frilly panties for a living.
Vincent: And sadly, authors can do that...in fact...that has probably been done...
*at sephiroth's house*
Vincent: Who would have thought that Sephiroth owned a pleasant split-level in Kalm?
*phone rings*
Nate: (Sephiroth) *Hic! Better answer the door...
Me: Ok seph she'll fall in love when she sees you.
Duo: (Author) Just drink the Love Potion #9.
Seph: Gottcha I'll call Spikey.
Nate: Sure, bring Buffy characters into the story...just worsen it, why don't you...
*calls Cloud*
Duo: (Author) HEY CLOUD!!!!
Vincent: (Cloud) Use the phone...
Duo: (Author) Oh...
Cloud: Ok we'll do it at dinner tonight.
Duo: No, no...not more yaoi!
Vincent: Do not jump to conclusions...maybe "it" means...er...
Duo: You're not helping, Vincent!
*hangs up* Tifa, Sephiroth is coming over for dinner.
Vincent: That is the least likely event to ever occur in FF7...
Nate: Sephiroth brings over tea and begins talking in a poppish British accent.
Tifa: Ok, I still don't see why he and you are friends but ok.
Vincent: (Cloud) Oh...his attempt at planetary destruction was just his way of saying he wanted a secure friend and confidant...
Nate: Kids do the darndest things.
* * * * * *
Vincent: Aim...fire...
*that night about an hour before dinner*
Nate: A big censor sign appears inside the house.
*doorbell rings, Aeris ansers*
Vincent: Hmm...you really do learn a new word everyday...
Sephiroth: Uh hi Aeris
Duo: (Sephiroth) Have you seen my punctuation?
Aeris: Hi sephiroth you look hot.
Seph: ...O...K...
Nate: (Aeris) No, I'm serious. You're sweating real bad! You alright?
*sephiroth goes to the kitchin*
Duo: I could use a good chin kit, too.
Seph: Hi tifa you look splendid tonight.
Duo: (Sephiroth) In a slutty, dirty kind of way.
Tifa: Don't give me any of that bs the only reason I don't kill you right here is because of witnesses.
Nate: Oh no! Tifa is trapped in an anime full of rapidly talking, lips-out-of-sync people!
Seph:*looks around* There's no one here.
Vincent: (Tifa) I locked them all in the basement...
Tifa: Look behind you.
Vincent: Ah, the killer.
Seph:Aeris!?
Duo: Hey, it's Aeris! And she's wearing pants today!
Nate and Vincent: (Deadpan) Yay...
Aeris:*grabs seph and takes him to the others* Look who's here!!
All: Norm!
Yay sephiweffi is here.
(Everyone looks disgusted)
Nate: I can only take so much love mushiness before I get suicidal.
Vincent: It would be quite interesting if the choir sung that name when we fought Sephiroth...
Nate and Duo: (The choir) SEPHIWEFFI!
Vincent: I was not asking you to actually sing...
Everyone: ... ... ...
Vincent: Why are they talking in morse code?
???
Duo: (Riddler) RIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN! WHOO HO HOOOOOO!!!
*at that moment as if on que
Vincent: On que?
Nate: ¿Que?
Duo: Don't do that.
Nate: ¿Que?
Duo: Stop it...
Nate: ¿Que?
Vincent: Nate, you do realize that my gun is fully loaded and ready to kill, do you not?
Nate: ¿Qu..ina? How's he/she doing?
Vincent barrels out of the basenent wearing only blood red boxers and screaming*
Duo: Ah, no different than usual.
Vincent: I beg to differ.
Duo: Well, you can't.
Vinny:
Vincent: No...do not call me that...ever.
Please help she's going to kill me.
Nate: (Chuckles) Wow, Vincent...you really sound terrified. Look at the sheer emotion in that sentence!
Cloud: Who?
Duo: (Cloud, stoned) ...Why? ...How?
Vinny: Her.
Vincent: Stop with that name...now...
*yuffie then comes up the stairs
Nate: Searching for her missing capital Y.
wearing tight black leather and holding a whip*
Duo: Dude, she's 16...
Nate: That didn't stop the Olsen twins.
Duo: Good point.
Yuffie: Oh Vinnywinny
Vincent: -_-
Nate: You okay?
Vincent: Do not talk to me...
we still have an hour till dinner.
Vincent: Given the way you are dressed and what you are planning, I would rather taste Cid's cooking than to be submitted to...that...
Vincent: *being dragged into the basement* Noooooooooooooo!!!
Vincent: Why am I being so weak? I could transform and tear her into shreds and eat the remains...
(Nate and Duo look nervous)
*screams are heard for the next couple minutes.
Duo: Screams of pleasure...
Vincent: No...
Nate: Multiple orgasmic screams...
Vincent: No...!
they seem to get muffeled out*
Nate: Because Vincent learned to actually enjoy needy women.
Vincent: Do not start...
Cloud: Ok so wants to watch a movie after dinner.
Everyone: sounds good
Duo: (Cloud) Home movies!
(Nate groans)
* * * * * *
Duo: Snipers shot six people that night.
*after dinner*
Duo: Egh...we don't wanna know!
Red: I wanna wach Lion King.
Nate: (Red) The X-rated version...
Cait: Barney.
Vincent: Absolutely not...kill him now.
Aeris: Titanic.
All: Boo!
Cid: Dukes Antholgy.
Duo: Crap! It's crap!
Barret: A-Team reunion.
All: No.
Vincent: Dracula Dead and Loving it.
Vincent: An odd choice...but doable...
Yuffie: I'm with Vinny
Vincent: ...Do not...call me that...
Tifa: Whatever Cloud wants to see
Duo: Pardon me, Ms. Kiss Ass?
Cloud: Lets let Seph decide.
Duo: (Sephiroth) Got any pornos?
Aeris: Seppywoff wach Titanic wit me.
Nate: (Groans) Good God, get out of the third grade.
*makes puppy dog eyes*
Vincent: I am actually FOR Sephiroth killing her again at this point.
Seph: Lets wach Dracula.
Nate: Wach?
Vincent: Wack...
Duo: Cool, let's go wack Dracula!
Aeris: *pout pout* Pwease
Nate: Shut up! Whinny bitch...Vincent, don't ever let this author alter your personality.
Vincent: That would only happen over my dead body.
Duo: Any author could easily arrange that.
Vincent: ...
Seph: fine.
Duo: Aeris slowly but surely puts that leash on poor Sephiroth...
Aeris: Yay! My Seppy loves me.
(Everyone cringes)
Vincent: I cannot take this...this...fluffiness...
*during the movie everyone falls asleep except Aeris and Sephiroth*
Duo: Whoo! And we know what that means!
Nate: Ah, please. This Aeris is too cutesy to actually know what sex is.
Aeris: *crying*
(Everyone groans)
Nate: (Annoyed Sephiroth) What is it THIS time, Aeris?
I love that movie so much, don't you seppyweppie?
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Watching four hours of choppy romance and a slowly submerging death ship always makes my day.
Seph: It was boring until she got naked then it sucked.
Duo: Yeah, I'll drink to that!
* * * * * *
Nate: Tankers have aimed their shots at that damned Yellow Brick Road...goodbye Oz...
Duo: Damn, I wish OZ would be history...
Vincent: Which one?
Duo: Oz and OZ.
*Sephiroth leaves and calls me*
Vincent: (Sephiroth) By changing personalities, I did not mean make her mind younger...
Seph: That was a mean joke.
Nate: Nowadays, changing personalities to satisfy somebody's love need is just not a real funny joke.
Me: Wadda mean I did exactally what you asked.
Vincent: (Squints eyes to read) He...made an exact tally of what he asked?
Seph: The flower girl likes me now.
Vincent: Simply kill her off, he makes such a big deal out of this...
Me: Oh.
Seph: Can you change it?
Duo: (Author) Sure, I'll make Aeris a vicious killer and lust after your blood instead of your body.
Nate: (Sephiroth) Sounds smart.
Me: Yes... but I wont
Seph: Why?
Vincent: (Author) Because you stole my periods.
Me: It's funny this way
Nate: It's not really funny...it just makes me hate Aeris and makes me wish I could staple her mouth shut.
Vincent: Indeed...
*i hang up*
Duo: Now he's gotta watch some porn.
Nate: Porn?
Duo: Yeah, what else would you do if you lived in your parents' basement all day?
Well what did you think?
Vincent: Fanfiction like this should be made illegal.
I may add chapters if it gets good reivews.
Vincent: Whatever those are...
Feel free to flame me.
(Vincent checks his pockets for Fire Materia)
Nate: Wrong kind of flame, Vincent.
Duo: C'mon, let's take a break.
Vincent: I could use one...
(Everyone leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Duo turns on the television and flips through the channels. Ironically, he runs into a The Tick episode. Duo watches in terror as small blue midgets with fish pelt Tick mercilessly. "Hmph...so that's where Nate got that idea..." says Duo quietly to himself.
"You know..." says Vincent. "I do not think any of us were exactly broken by that piece."
"No kidding," agrees Nate. "Can whatever's up next be any worse than that?"
"You watched TV and decided to beat me with fish?!" exclaims Duo.
"Geez, you're still not over that?" asks Nate.
"I smell like a combination of trout and ass, you bastard!" yells the gundam pilot.
Reno's image appears on the satellite monitor. "Stop arguing and get back in that theater. The climax of this experiment is about to take place, so stop straggling," says the Turk.
The room buzzes with light and noise again and everyone looks slightly worried. "Hmm...I have one of those...bad feelings," says Vincent.
"You're not the only one..." replies Nate as the trio trudges into the theater.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone takes their seats)
Nate: Time for the main event.
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Duo: Minus minus minus minus minus minus--
Vincent: Stop that.
Tit For Tat
Duo: Oh, so this is one of those "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" fics.
Vincent: That is disconcerting...especially if I am involved.
After thinking good and hard, and for lack of a better title,
Nate: And lack of consideration for the readers...
By: TBOtaku
Nate: Otherwise known as Otacon's sister.
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Duo: A line segment involves two end points connected by a line.
Vincent: How wise you are.
Vincent Valentine groaned.
(Vincent groans)
Nate: Cool, you're the star again, buddy!
Vincent: ...Leave me alone.
His body had gotten damn beat up
Duo: Which is a level or two above a regular beating.
after that long battle with the Ultimate Weapon.
Vincent: It really was not that hard...
Nate: Besides, just rest at an inn for three seconds and you'll be perfectly fine.
He needed a bath.
(Nate sniffs Vincent)
Vincent: What are you doing?
Nate: You do kinda smell.
Vincent: I will shower after this reading...
With that thought, he walked into the bathroom of his room in Cloud's Costa de Sol villa and started to undress,
Duo: Watch out! You'll be blinded!
Nate: Beware of the typical lack of the FF character chest hair!
Vincent: ...
careful not to let his clothes touch the still fresh wounds on his skin.
Vincent: Yes, of course...that must be the first thing on my mind.
He turned the shower onto hot water, stepped in,
Duo: Damn, my shower takes a good ten minutes to get that warm.
and pulled the curtains in.
(Nate and Duo let out a sigh of relief)
Vincent: Hmph, and you consider yourselves to be shapely?
Nate: Er...
Duo: Well...
Vincent sighed; he finally felt relaxed after being tense and cramped for so long.
Nate: Until his limit break accidently went off.
Duo: (Vincent) Ah, what a nice sho--er...AAAARRRRGHGGH!
(Flashback to Cloud's car, two hours ago…)
Vincent: Cloud owns a car?
Nate: Car's exist in FF7?
Duo: Cloud drives the short bus, remember?
Nate: Oh yeah...
"Why didn't you buy a bigger car?" Vincent grumbled.
Vincent: I have a good point, we are insanely wealthy.
Cloud looked him in the eye.
Nate: The only one you can really see.
"Because it was the biggest they had in Bone Village.
Duo: Damn! They excavated a friggin' car?!
Nate: One that works and can use unleaded gas, too.
Vincent: The Ancients had impressive automotive technology.
So sue me.
Vincent: Very well, Cloud. I shall see you in court.
And anyway I didn't have enough gil to buy the deluxe version after I bought that awesome sword."
Nate: Why fight Sephiroth when you can blow off money for luxury items?
Cloud smiled down at his new Moonblade sword.
Duo: Well, that's weird. A typical store-bought sword is more powerful than the Ultima Weapon. That's really sumthin'!
"Awww…you need a polishing, don'tcha? Yeeesss you do! Yessss you do! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't yo-"
Duo: Oh my God...I don't even wanna know what happens in THAT relationship...
"SOMEBODY had better SHUT THE )!#($!@ UP BEFORE I USE MY GUN ON YOU, FOO!"
Nate: Wow, Vincent. You sure broke character fast.
Vincent: I somehow doubt I said that...
Nate: One of these days you will!
Barret and Cid yelled simultaneously from the back seat next to Vincent,
Vincent: Wow...I really feel sorry for myself.
Duo: You always do.
"BECAUSE IT'S GETTIN' ON MAH NERVES, STRIFE!
Nate: It's strange how Barret and Cid said the exact same sentence at the exact same time...
Duo: They probably prepared the line beforehand when they were taking a piss.
"
Nate and Duo: (Barret and Cid, speaking perfectly in tune with each other): BECAUSE I'M DAMN CONSTIPATED AND NEED A REST STOP, STRIFE!
Cloud turns around and notices their newly upgraded weapons. O.O
Vincent: And he immediately turns into Mickey Mouse without the ears...
Vincent smiles,
Nate: Bad Vincent, stay in character.
Vincent: I am allowed an occasional smile, thank you.
but then winces as that humungous idiot Cait Sith moved around again and bumped him on his arm.
Duo: Whoa, how much space do those back seats have? Two huge people and two regular people...they should be in one of those SUV commercials.
The arm that HURT.
Nate: The same arm that has the "bad hand", as everyone loves to call it.
He should just take out his claw and bludgeon that fool to death,
Vincent: Of course.
but he had proved himself in battle
Vincent: How? By getting incorrectly lined up slots and wasting group time? Bludgeon him now...
…stupid mog.
Duo: (Scooby Duo villain) You could have gotten away with it if hadn't been for that Cait Sith...and his mog, too...
Stupid cat, not to mention wacko pervert.
Nate: What a great invention Reeve made. His very own toy pervert.
Vincent had caught him looking in at him through a crack in the door while he was in the bath more than once.
Vincent: (Cringing) He what?
Duo: Whew...you might wanna have a talk with Reeve, pal.
Vincent: I will set Cait Sith on fire at my whim.
Remembering this, he flexed his claw restlessly.
Nate: And then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!
Vincent: No...just minor arm movement...
Nate: Oh, my bad.
Cait Sith stopped moving abruptly.
Duo: Damned Energizer batteries.
(End flashback)
Nate: Personally, I always have flashbacks that relate to how I wound up taking a shower.
***
Duo: I'd get that third eye removed if I was you.
Meanwhile, Yuffie Kisaragi was busy "collecting"
Duo: Boyfriends.
Vincent: She must have difficulty with that.
as she called it. In reality she was going through all of Vincent's stuff
(Vincent sneers)
Nate: Relax, it's "fic stuff" not "your stuff".
in his room looking for some good materia to steal.
Nate: (Yuffie) Let's see...Fire...Lightning...Shiva...Kill The Entire Earth...Ifrit...no good materia here!
Vincent was bound to have something really good,
Vincent: Why would I have anything? I believe Cloud would allocate the best materia to himself...
she had never searched his room before.
Vincent: And we should keep it that way, yes?
Duo: ...No, sorry, pal.
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.
She yelled,
Vincent: And I heard her and shot her.
frustrated after 15 minutes of searching.
Duo: A genuine ninja, getting tired and lazy after things don't go her way.
"…Waitasec, doesn't he usually take all his stuff-weapons included, that wierdo-into the shower with him?
Vincent: What? Of course not. I am not so abnormal that I--
Nate: Let it go...
Awwww, damnit all to hell!
Duo: I think Yuffie's been possessed by Cid.
The things I do for materia…"
Vincent: O_O
Duo: Uh oh...
Vincent: Does she actually plan on...?
(Nate nods)
Vincent: ...
Yuffie squeezed her eyes shut for a minute and then opened them again.
Duo: Yeah, then her contacts get stuck in her eyes and she dies.
Nate: Dies?
Duo: Sure, why not?
An evil smile appeared on her face.
Nate: Wow, the Sorceress moved on to possess Yuffie now.
Vincent: She takes any trash she can find, I see.
"Well, well, Valentine, we _are_ going to have some fun, aren't we?
Vincent: I think not...
Oh, yes we are….heh heh heh."
Vincent: And she is not even sober...
Duo: I think she is now possessed by Butthead.
Yuffie quickly cleaned everything up and crept silently out of the room.
Nate: The end! End it! Say it's the end of Chapter One! We don't want any more!
***
Duo: Nope...that means there's more...
Nate: Oh, crap.
The steamy shower calmed Vincent down.
Duo: Calmer than he already is? Dude, he'd fall down dead if that happened.
He slowly lathered up his hands and began washing his wounds,
(Nate sings Psycho music)
making sure to clean them so that he wouldn't be getting any nasty infections.
Duo: Since when were you obsessive compulsive, Vincent?
Vincent: Good question...
The soap slipped from his hands and zipped around the tub until it settled in the bottom right corner.
Nate: Oh no...no no no...just get some other soap up on the rack. UP, UP, UP, look up!
Vincent bent down to get it.
Duo: And he then realized that he was in a prison shower...
Vincent: Ugh...you are only making this worse...
Nate: Damn, I'm disgusted already...is it over?
Yuffie saw her chance.
Duo: Yuffie sees her chance as Vincent is bending over? For what?
Nate: We always did say that Yuffie was part man...
Duo: Nasty, man! Yuck...
She had snuck into the bathroom through a secret passageway
Vincent: Which was right next to the secret passageway leading from the Study to the Kitchen.
used for emergencies
Duo: In case somebody had to go THAT badly.
about 10 seconds before and waited patiently.
Vincent: For me to expose my rear end? She should not be seeing this...
Nate: It probably is that nasty.
Vincent: That is not what I meant...
While Vincent was distracted,
Duo: It must take you a long time to pick up a damn piece of soap. Is it moving around or something?
she quickly went through all his things on the ground,
Nate: (Yuffie) Towel...linen...towel...shampoo...Vincent's Playboys...
making sure to put them back where they were before.
Vincent: Right, back on the ground. A difficult place to miss.
She checked his shirt
Vincent: That is an invasion of privacy beyond compare...
(hmm…nice. Was this made out of silk?).
Vincent: No, it is made out of my sin that I had conceived during my long slumber...
Duo: Er...right...
Vincent: Hmm...very well...it is silk.
No materia. She checked his gun.
Vincent: The safety was off and she shot herself...
No materia. She checked his pants
Nate: I don't like where any of this is going...
Vincent: (Cringing) You are not the only one...
(Urgh, I think I'm gonna puke!).
Duo: Do Vincent's pants cause motion sickness?
No materia. She almost screamed.
Nate: Then give up! Leave! Who in their right mind would bring materia into the friggin' bathroom?!
'OH #)(@!
Duo: Great, now Cid's in the bathroom!
Nate: It's getting crowded.
He musta taken it into the shower with him!
Vincent: What? Is she out of her mind? I am not that paranoid about my possessions...
Duo: Yeah, well...I hope you know what this is foreshadowing...
Vincent: What do you mean?
Duo: She wants materia, she thinks you took it with you in...there. Put two and two together.
Vincent: Surely you--
(Duo shakes his head)
Nooooooo!!! Oh well; good thing I am the best Wutai ninja in history."
Nate: Yeah, simply because she's the ONLY Wutai ninja in history.
Yuffie let out a shaky sigh and stepped into the shower behind Vincent,
(Vincent falls out of his chair in shock)
Nate: Holy crap! You okay?
Vincent: (Looks back up at the screen) So I was not imagining things...(Sits back down)
her eyes closed tightly. Then she opened them.
Vincent: Th--th--this is...wrong...very wrong...
Duo: She opened them and it was all a dream!
Nate: Welcome back to Kansas, Yuffie.
The sight of it make her freeze where she was.
Duo: (Snickering) Yeah...freezing in disgust.
Vincent: Hmph, I am stronger than both of you put together. I should be patronizing you.
Duo: Eh...
Oh holy @)^!*# what a sexy bod that scary vampire guy had.
Vincent: Urp...
Nate: You okay?
Vincent: This has to end...
Yuffie stood frozen there, unable to move, much less take her eyes off Vincent searching for the soap.
Duo: Good lord! Does the soap have evasive manuevers? You sure do take your time!
Nate: He's letting Yuffie view the good stuff.
Vincent: I hate you both.
'I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here'
Nate: Is she rapping?
was going through her mind like a broken record, but she was paralyzed.
Duo: Vincent's ass cast Stop on her.
Nate: Too bad the ass only has one materia slot.
Another, more perverted thought crept into her head: 'Oh gawd; sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy…'
(Vincent gags)
Duo: Just relax, buddy. This can't get any worse, y'know.
Vincent: (Composing himself) Yes, you are right. Yet this is worse than any nightmare I may have had in my coffin...
And still she stood, her hair and clothes getting soaked by the hot water, with her mouth hanging open like some kind of idiot.
Nate: She IS an idiot. It's not hard for her to accomplish that.
'Got it!' Vincent thought.
Vincent: About time...the soap is a better antagonist than Yuffie.
He reached for the pouf(yes, the pouf.)
Vincent: Pouf? And that is...?
Duo: Poof?
Nate: Poop?
Vincent: So I am either reaching for a large, fluffy cloud or a pile of feces?
hanging behind him. But where was the pouf?
Duo: Better question: What is the pouf?
And why was there something soft behind him instead of the rack and the wall?
Nate: Oh...no...
Vincent: What is it?
"Uhhh…" Vincent turned around…
Duo: And then the earth ended! What a fitting conclusion. Eh...heh...(He shifts uncomfortably in his seat)
And saw that he had his hand clenched on the left breast of Yuffie Kisaragi.
Vincent: Ack! Oomph! Urk...! (He begins convulsing)
Nate: Oh my God! You okay?
Vincent: Urp! Aaaahhh! Help...!
Duo: !@#%^!!!!!
O.O
Duo: And Vincent immediately transformed into Goofy.
Vincent: I...I...must...
"…OH MY GOD HOLY MOTHER )!#(@!ING @)(#!)@!!)$(!@# WHAT THE )#($!)(!)! ARE YOU DOING HERE YUFFIE KISARAGI OH @)(#!)!! OH MY GOD GET OUT! GET OUT! OH HOLY MOTHER @)#(! @!#(!!@#(!)@ )@$T)^Y&!)!)(#@ )(&@)$&$(*(**(#*)(*(&^#)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nate and Duo: ...Whoa...
Vincent: (Finally composed) Alright...enough is enough...I--
Nate: C'mon, Vincent. The absolute worst is over, right?
Vincent: (Rubs his eyes, trying to forget what he read) Yes...but I will be washing that horrible breast clenching hand for several hours after this story is over...
Barret, Tifa, Cid, Cloud, Aeris and Red XIII looked up from watching the TV.
Duo: They actually agreed on something to watch?
Cait Sith was outside busy repairing his mog body.
Vincent: (Voice still a little choppy from shock) Using what? Cotton?
"Uhh, Cid, I think you'd better go check on him," Red XIII said.
Nate: (Vincent) No thanks! Bathroom's already pretty crowded!
"What the f*ck?! Why me, you lousy dog??
Duo: Who knows what he is...? Cat? Dog?
Nate: More like a Cog or a Dat.
Why don't YOU go, or better yet, why doesn't Tifa or Barret go?"
Duo: No matter who you send, things'll get a bit awkward.
Nate: Just a wee bit.
Cid yelled. But it was too late. Tifa, Barret, and a hysterically laughing Cloud
Nate: Huh? Did someone give Cloud laughing gas or something?
Duo: Yeah...hey, Vincent! How come you're being so quiet?
Vincent: Leave me alone...I am still recovering...
had dragged him to the bathroom door and shoved him into it.
Vincent: Everyone has forgotten how doors actually work. You must open them, you see.
Nate: Impressive...
Cid slammed into the door, and the force of his body hitting the wood broke it open.
Vincent: (Recovering his dark side) And the wood penetrated his skin, gave him ganegreen, and he immediately died.
SLAM!
Nate: The fic is done in the style of an old Batman episode.
The foursome stared goggle-eyed at the scene before them:
Vincent: No...no, do not reexplain the scene.
Vincent Valentine, naked as a newborn baby,
Duo: Had Yuffie in one of those positions that only the Kama Sutra tells us of.
Vincent: Disgusting...
was clutching at Yuffie's left boob
Vincent: What? Still? The entire time I have been--? (Starts convulsing again)
Nate: ...Looks like it.
and sounded like he was choking.
Duo: I hear ya, man. No mortal could survive after THAT kind of experience.
The shower was still on,
Nate: Bathroom was flooded beyond belief.
but the curtain had been pushed aside.
Duo: Then everyone gets a free show!
Vincent: I...I...I hate...everything...
It also looked like Vincent was having a nosebleed.
Nate: The part of Vincent will be played by Tenchi Masaki...
A very, very bad nosebleed.
Duo: And then he died of bloodloss. End!
Vincent: Grr...if only...
Tifa, Cloud, Barret and Cid: O.O… YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!
(Nate and Duo can practically hear the sound of Vincent's mind snapping in half)
Nate: Um...Vincent?
Vincent: (Stands up, deadly calm) Enough is enough...
Duo: Vincent?
Vincent: Look, my friends...look at what these authors put me through. First myself and Cloud are engaged in sexual relations...now I am grabbing a hideously ugly girl's breasts...I refuse to stay for this humiliation...
Nate: ...Vincent?
Vincent: Enough...(He moves forward toward the theater's front)
The awkward couple slowly turned toward them.
Nate: Wow, they're already a couple. They move fast.
(Vincent throws his gun and cape on the floor)
Duo: What are you doing?
Vincent: ...Leaving.
Duo: You can't do that!
Vincent: Watch me...
Then Vincent noticed that he was still holding onto Yuffie's breast and let go.
Nate: And after doing that, the planets finally regained their balance and Hell stopped freezing over.
(Vincent removes his mask and throws it to the ground. He begins glowing red)
Duo: Oh, no...not again...
"…Excuse…me…"
Duo: (Vincent) Would this be your boob?
Yuffie turned around, sat down, hugged her knees, and screamed…extremely loud.
Duo: Wow, some girls orgasm at the tiniest things...
(Vincent's form grows larger, his arms and legs bulge and pulsate)
Vincent: Errgh...!
Nate: Er...
Likewise, Vincent had finally regained his aura of death and silence-
Nate: Like that would make things less awkward.
(Wings sprout from Vincent's back)
Duo: Should we...panic?
Nate: Just remain calm.
not to mention common sense-and wrapped a towel around his torso.
Duo: Then that pervert Cait Sith snatched the towel and took some pictures.
(Vincent completes his transformation by growing horns out of his head)
Nate: Oh, great...
Then he grabbed Yuffie,
Duo: And passionately--
Nate: No, Duo...no.
Chaos: Heh...heh...urrr...
threw her out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Nate: Yup, he and his hand need some time alone...
Chaos: Urrrgh...RRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!
Duo: Stop making fun of Vincent! He's friggin' pissed!
Nate: You were doing it too!
(Chaos flies through the theater door, leaving Nate and Duo behind)
After about 20 seconds, he came back out, fully dressed this time and stared at Yuffie.
Nate: (Yuffie) Same time tomorrow?
Duo: (Vincent) You bet!
Nate and Duo: ...
Nate: Maybe we should check on things...
Duo: Good idea...
(They quickly leave the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
The duo quickly runs out of the theater door in search of the berserked Vincent. "I don't see anything," explains Nate.
"And I don't hear anything," says Duo.
"Huh? That's odd," says Nate as he looks at a blinking light with the word "odd" on it.
"Can we find him?" asks Duo.
Nate punches some buttons and throws some switches. "Oh my God!" yells Nate.
"What?" replies Duo.
"There's a gapping hole in the satellite! He broke out!" yells Nate.
"!$%$#!!!" yells Duo. "Get Reno!"
"I'm trying! There!"
Reno's image appears. He is lying on a lawnchair reading a magazine raving about the Turks. "Heh...we are cool, aren't we?" says Reno.
"RENO!!!!" yells the two on the satellite.
"The hell? What do you want?"
"Listen!" yells Nate. "Vincent went berserk during the fic, turned into a demon, and busted out of the satellite!"
"He's out of the satellite!?" Reno throws his magazine on the ground and practically falls out of his lawn chair. "Damn it! He can't leave now! This will ruin the experiment!"
"What about our oxygen?" asks a concerned Duo.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to that!" yells Reno. "Just finish that story. Leave Vincent to me."
"Didn't you say that would ruin the experiment?" asks Nate.
"I'll have to find a replacement, but at this hour? Impossible..." Reno murmurs to himself. "Just get back in the theater!"
Nate and Duo quickly return to the theater as the alarms and lights blink after them.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Nate and Duo take their seats)
Nate: Damn, Vincent really couldn't take all that imagery.
Duo: It ain't the same without him. Death has its cool moments.
"Yuffie Kisaragi what do you think you're doing in the shower with me?!" He demanded.
Nate: And now Vincent talks like Pops Racer.
Yuffie sensed that she was being ordered around
Nate: (FF7 Game Message) Vincent...Level 99...HP 9999...MP 999...Ordering People Around...
and quickly regained her composure. "I was looking for materia and couldn't find it in your room so I thought you took it into the shower with you so I snuck into the bathroom but I didn't find any materia in your stuff there either so I thought you had it in the shower with you so I went in to see"
Duo: (Vincent) Oh...my mistake! I thought it was something stupid or weird! My bad!
she prattled. Yuffie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Nate: And her breath was set free into the wild to mingle with other little breaths and make a whole little breath family...
"You pervert! For your information I hide my materia in Cid's closet next to his porno magazines!"
Nate: Oh, I guess the Right Hand Movement Plus Materia belongs to Cid.
Vincent yelled. Cid turned scarlet
Duo: He turned scarlet in the Lounge with the Lead Pipe.
and mumbled something about "getting em for the coupons."
Duo: 50% off all lubricant!
Nate: Ick.
Tifa acted swiftly and pounded his head into the floor with her elbow.
Nate: And broke his neck, instantly killing him.
Duo: You're not supposed to be saying that kinda stuff.
Nate: Somebody's gotta do it...
Meanwhile Cloud had been laughing the whole time and was still at it now.
Duo: What the hell's wrong with him? He's been laughing ever since the beginning!
Barret took the lead and pulled Yuffie none too gently into his room.
Duo: For some red-hot luvin'!
Nate: (Redneck Barret) C'mon baby! I'm gonna make luv to ya!
"Now, Yuffie, I know you ain't a pervert,
Nate: The first of many bald-faced lies said by Barret...
or at least I hope to God you're not, but this is just plain wrong and I want you to explain yourself before I gotta pound your girly ass in front of everybody,"
Duo: My money's on Barret for that fight, I dunno why.
Barret growled.
Nate: He then proceeded to fetch, roll over, play dead, and lick himself.
"It's just like I told ya, Barret! I was looking for his materia and I froze when I saw him!
(A figure walks into the theater)
Duo: Who the hell?
???: Hi guys!
Nate: ...Aeris?
Aeris: Yeah, it's me! How's it going?
Duo: Hey, you're dispossessed!
Aeris: Nah...(Suddenly sounds very evil) I am still the embodiment of the great sorceress...and any resistance means your death...
Duo: Uh...pudding?
I didn't MEAN to just keep staring at him like that!"
Aeris: Yeah, and you two can't stop looking at me!
Nate: Um...if you're still possessed, then why are you acting like the old Aeris?
Aeris: Reno told me to, in order to make his silly experiment more valid or something. Hee hee!
Yuffie protested.
Duo: And I protest to having Mrs. Satan in the theater!
Aeris: Tee hee!
Barret eyed her for a second.
Nate: His brain immediately hurt from the image.
"Yuffie, was that your first time seein a man naked?"
Duo: Nah, Yuffie's looked in the mirror plenty of times.
Yuffie nodded. "Oh, lord. Yuffie I suppose your father never gave you 'the talk,'
Aeris: Ancients never get "talks" either!
Duo: Ah, that's too bad. You never get some?
Aeris: Some what?
Duo: Heh, heh, nevermind. (To himself) Maybe a chick in here ain't so bad...even if she is possessed and very evil...
right?" Yuffie shook her head no. "Oh, LORD," said Barret.
Nate: Hmm...he's turning into a televangelist.
"Ok, well let's just close the door,
Duo: Damn, what's Barret planning? Eh, eh? Wink wink-
Aeris: There are ladies present, mister!
Duo: (To himself) I take it back...this sucks.
and don't you ever say a WORD
Aeris: (Vanilla Ice) To your mother...
about this, girl, or I am really going to kick your ass to Midgar."
Nate: (Kid) And then I'll kick your sorry arse until you kiss the moons!
Barret shut the door.
(Duo hums cheap porno music)
Nate: Barret would probably be a good pimp if he got one of those pink overcoats and neat canes.
Aeris: Pimpin'...
After two hours, a lot of crayons, cross-dressing, and much serious talking,
Duo: Crayons?
Aeris: Everyone's gotta learn how to color code people's private parts.
Nate: Be careful with the colors...last thing you want is a purple who-who and a green yum-yum.
Aeris: You're sick!
Duo: All guys are, live with it.
Yuffie got the full dose of "the talk."
Aeris: In a neat little pill form.
Slowly, she stood up from her sitting position on the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
Nate: Barret will now take Yuffie out to pasture...
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW GAWD I AM NEVER HAVING SEX I NEVER WANNA SEE ANOTHER NEKKID GUY AGAIN IN MY LIFE!"
Aeris: Peace, girlfriend!
Yuffie screamed. Five pairs of eyes stared at her.
Duo: Strangely, they all belonged to one person.
Vincent was sulking in his room.
Aeris: And goodness knows where he is right now.
Yuffie ran into her room and got dressed faster than she had ever gotten dressed in her life,
Nate: She's been naked this entire time? No wonder things are so awkward.
Duo: And are also now very disgusting.
coming out in a white tank top and jeans shorts.
Aeris: Don't forget your tampons!
Nate and Duo: ...
Then she walked into the hall and headed towards the living room. As she rounded the corner, she smacked into something solid.
Nate: Right, the corner.
And that something solid was Vincent Valentine,
Aeris: At least he's not in liquid or gas form.
a shocked look on his face with skin matching his capes.
Duo: Damn, how many does he need? It's hot in Costa del Sol!
Nate: He has a little magician act.
"…" He stared at her for a second and then walked away into the living room.
Nate: Where he rightly vomited.
Aeris: What's so bad about Yuffie, guys?
Duo: Just look at her, she's a disgusting goo of human existance.
Aeris: Meanie!
Yuffie looked at her feet and followed him.
Aeris: Well, okay, so she's stalking him. What's the big deal? It's cute!
***
Aeris: Hey, it's one of those star-struck cyclops!
The group eyed the pair at dinner.
Duo: Kind of hard not to do when they're having sex on the table.
Neither was eating a bite.
Duo: Rather, they were eating-
Aeris: Eww, cut it out!
Duo: Heh...I've got a million of him, baby...
Aeris: Boys are nasty.
Nate: Great job, Duo. She loves ya already.
Duo: Heh heh...yeah...
Both were staring at the meal as if their lives would end if they looked up from the plate.
Nate: Well, that's what the creepy executioner guy told them.
"Anyone want cherry pie?"
Aeris: Duo, if you say anything about cherries, I'll summon the Ancients and mess you up!
(Duo mumbles)
Tifa offered helpfully.
Duo: Sure, I'll have Tifa's cheery pies!
Aeris: You asked for it, mister!
Duo: What'd I do?!
Normally Yuffie loved cherry pie.
Nate: And normally we hate Yuffie. And that has not changed.
But tonight she just kept staring at her food.
Nate: She was determined to win the staring contest, at all costs...
Vincent was busy checking his claw,
Aeris: For what? Termites? Sins that call for eternal sleep?
Duo: (Vincent) Damn...a tick...flea...memories of Lucrecia...
and silent as always. Cloud took advantage of the situation and started shoveling as much food into his mouth as possible.
Duo: Is he still laughing like a dumbass for no particular reason?
He was reaching for the last slice of pie when he saw another hand going toward it at the same time. Cid.
Nate: It was love at first sight.
The two men started death glares at each other and started getting into fighting mode.
Aeris: Cloud's equipped with the Spatula Blade, Napkin Armlet, and he has the Hunger Ring! Cid's got a mean Salad Fork Spear, Tablecloth Armlet, and the deadly Tummy Ache Badge!
Yuffie stole a quick glance at Vincent,
Nate: (FF7 game message) Couldn't steal anything...
Duo: (Yuffie) Dammit!
who just happened to be staring at her too.
Duo: Unfortunately, Vincent had a taste for human flesh after his little "incident".
They blushed deeply,
Aeris: (Giddily) And then their heads just burst into flames!
Nate: Eh?
Aeris: Oops! (Sorceress again) I can't kick old habits...bwa ha ha...
Duo: (Uncomfortable) Uh huh...
and Yuffie started turning away, but noticed that Vincent had not taken his eyes off her.
Nate: Well, at least Vincent went berserk before he read this...otherwise he'd be really REALLY super pissed...
Meanwhilst Cloud flew like a drunken pixie out of the window
Aeris: When Tinkerbell goes bad...
and Cid, with a happy look on his face, was stuffing the pie into his mouth.
Duo: All this pie in a fic, and no one has screwed it yet. What's up with that?!
Nate: It's just not apple enough.
^_^
(Aeris's eyes twinkle happily as well)
Nate: Ugh...too much cuteness.
Vincent stood up suddenly and beckoned at Yuffie with a twitch of his finger.
Nate and Duo: AHHHH!!!!
Aeris: What's wrong?
Duo: That's the most evil statement I've ever seen!
Confused, she followed him out of the villa and into the humid Costa de Sol night air.
Nate: (Clutching his stomach in pain) End...end there! PLEASE!!!
Aeris: Hey, it's over!
Nate: (Quickly) Oh, thank God!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Duo: Several people with eye twitches have just seen a big time celebrity...
You like?
Nate: No!
Then go on to chapter 2!
Nate: (More intense) NO!
And don't forget to review!
Nate: (Mad) Stop telling me what to do! Give me freedom!
Thank you for reading!
Aeris: Hee hee! Like they had any choice!
This is my second fan fiction so far!
Duo: Why not make it your last as well?
Don't worry, I'm starting chapter 2 right after I post this!
Aeris: Yay! More stuff to read! You guys are the best!
Nate: Please leave us alone...
Info: This chapter was written on April 8th, 2001 at approximately 8:42 PM Eastern Standard Time in Maryland, USA by TBOtaku.
Duo: Umm...is there gonna be some kinda test on this?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Aeris: Party streamers!
Nate: That's enough. I'm gone.
Duo: Don't leave me with her! She's too cute!
Aeris: Wait up, guys! ^_^
(Everyone leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Aeris's nature quickly returns to the possessed evil that it was originally. She goes to the computer and hails Reno. "I have completed my task, Reno," says Aeris.
"Good work, thanks for pitching in. Hope the fellas didn't rile you up," responds Reno.
"No, although 'cutsiness' seems to bother them," says Aeris.
"Whatever, anyway, the experiment's done. Now we just need to find where Valentine flew off to..." contemplates Reno.
Nate approaches the computer, trying to keep his distance from Aeris. "What if you don't find him?"
"If that happens, then I'll just have to replace him."
"Replace?" asks Duo. "Not with her!" he adds, pointing to Aeris.
"Doubtful, and also, I think I can track him down...we'll just have to see. Aeris, you get back down here. We have work to do!" bellows Reno.
"Of course..." says Aeris as she quickly vanishes.
"Huh..." says Duo.
"Yup..." adds Nate.
They are rather silent as they notice the vacant space next to the satellite "window". "Tell you what," says Nate. "I'll stare out at the window, and you sit and sulk at the table. It'll make it feel like Vincent's here and creeping us out, eh?"
"Cool, we need to make some silence happen around here! Without Vincent, who will?" replies Duo.
Nate stares out into space while Duo sits and stares at the table. After several minutes of complete silence, Nate says, "This is...boring."
Duo adds, "No kidding...how does he do that?"
"Whatever, I'm getting some sleep. Later." says Nate, going to his room.
"Later," says Duo before nodding off to sleep at the table.
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There you have it. Episode 202. Yep, Vincent made a bit of a disapperance, but I'll probably bring him back. That is, unless you, the readers, want to make some room for some special guests. If I get some good suggestions, I may write them in. If I decide otherwise, Vincent'll come back and creep us all out for a good laugh. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Please review as always. And please, go on to the little bonus fic I included, and enjoy. Peace.
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.
~SpamBlade
A WORK BY SPAMBLADE
DISCLAIMER: I own not the idea of making fun of things (i.e. MST3K) nor do I own any FF7 or Gundam Wing characters. Any references I make to other games and such, well, I don't own those games or ideas either. The only character belonging to myself is Nate Garrack, so all of those rights are mine alone.
FROM SPAMBLADE: Be sure to check out all of my Season One episodes. They're all compiled into one big chaptered thingamajig. It'd be good to read all that before you delve into this. And I give a very special thanks to sephiroth50000 for his story "Don't Make My Mistake" and I give full credit to TBOtaku for her story "Tit for Tat". Thanks to both of you!
Fanfiction...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Satellite Of Spiteful Ruthless Insanity (S.O.S.R.I.). It's really %^&*#@$ long mission, to read strange new tales. To seek out bad grammar and horrible plot. To boldly review what no man has ever willingly reviewed before!
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In the not too distant future
In a nearby time and space
Nate Garrack and his two good friends
Are caught in a real bad place!
They have to survive the wrath of a Turk
His name's Reno and he's a real big jerk!
From the HQ below, he looks up at the sky
Happily torturing all his captives on the S.O.S.R.I....!
(Nate: Get me outta here!!!!)
(Reno) I'll send them bad bad fanfics
The worst I can find! (Aeris) La la la!
(Reno) He'll have to sit and watch them all
While I monitor his mind!
Now keep in mind Nate can't control
Where the stories begin or end!
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his two good friends!
Riffer role call!
Nate! (Are we still here?)
Vincent! (...)
Duoooooo! (Are you crazy or sumthin'?!)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts! (Aeris) La la la!
Just repeat to yourself, it's simple text...
I should really just relax!
For Maliciously Smelly Textfics...3000!
(TWANG!)
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"Duo Maxwell," says Nate Garrack, reading from a piece of paper. "You have been found guilty of sexual misconduct, or to be more specific, inappropriate sexual remarks during a reading of the story '50/50'. How do you plead?"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" yells Duo, sitting in a chair. "Neither of ya'll gave a rat's ass about what I said when I actually said it! What's the deal?!"
"...The Women's Union of S.O.S.R.I. Reviews has stated," begins Vincent Valentine, "that you should be punished for your 'sexist' remarks during our previous fanfiction reading."
"So what?! They can't harm any of us...we're friggin' trapped up here! What's the big deal?!"
"Quiet," bluntly says Vincent. "The union wishes for you to be abused and beaten for your behavior."
"So how do you plead?" repeats Nate.
"I'm not guilty, you moronic bitch!" yells Duo. "Who gives a !@#% about what I said?!"
"I believe the verdict is clear, Nate," says Vincent, tossing his paper aside.
"I suppose so..." says Nate. "Very well."
"Wha--what're you gonna do?" asks Duo worriedly.
"Bring 'em in!" yells Nate to Vincent.
Vincent opens a door on the other side of the room. From that door suddenly emerges several tiny blue-clad midgets wielding nightmarish-looking salmon and other various assortments of fish.
"Good God, no!" yells Duo. "You summoned midgets to beat me with fish?"
"It seemed to be the best idea," says Vincent simply.
"Ouch! @!^%!!! HELP!" yells Duo, running wildly around the room to avoid the blunt, painful attacks of sea-life.
"Hmm..." says Nate as he watches Duo being pelted with a trout, "Do you think we were too harsh?"
"It fails to bother me," shrugs Vincent. "Ah...I see that Reno is calling us."
"Hello, my friends," says Reno as his image appears on the screen. "Er..." he says as he watches the rather unusual events on the satellite. "Odd..."
"Can we help you?" asks Nate.
"HOLY !$@%#@$%!!!!!!!!!!" yells Duo as he is drawn into a corner. One menacing midget hurls a spearfish at the gundam pilot.
"I have today's experiment prepared. After...hmm...tweaking...some variables, I believe at least one of you will succumb to the power of horrible plot and painful reading."
"You always say that," says Vincent, not taking his eyes off the fish attack.
"That's not the point!" says an angry Reno. "Hmph...anyway, today's fic is an odd piece called 'Tit for Tat', written by TBOtaku. Also featured is a short called 'Don't Make my Mistake', written by sephiroth50000."
"OW! MOTHER OF...GET THEM OFF ME!!!!" exclaims a seemingly mortally wounded Duo, although he really has suffered no real wounds or scars.
"Okay, okay, guys, head on home...he's had enough," waves Nate as the midgets leave the room and the satellite.
"Ugh..." explains Duo as he lays in a crumpled heap on the ground, smelling of trout and bass.
"Well, it seems that you are all prepared," says Reno. "Aeris! Send them their fics!"
"We should really do something about Aeris's possession..." says Vincent.
"Yeah, maybe later," agrees Nate.
Aeris appears on the screen, chanting. She finishes by saying, "SCROO OOO TUUU!"
"Did she just say 'screw you too'?" asks a perplexed Nate.
"I would rather not know," answers Vincent.
"Urk..." twitches Duo.
Their conversation is interrupted as lights and buzzers careen throughout the room. "Hey, get up, Duo!" yells Nate. "WE GOT FANFIC SIIIGGGNNN!!!!"
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Nate and Vincent enter and take their respective seats)
Nate: Where's Duo?
Vincent: Recovering, I suppose.
Nate: Well, it's starting.
This is my first fanfic so constructive flaming please.
Nate: Yeah, like what we say is at all "constructive".
disclaimer: I dont own any ff charcter blah blah blah
Vincent: That depends on what 'ff' stands for.
Nate: !$#%!@& Flatulence.
Vincent: Four Feces...
on to the story
Vincent: I would much rather be in my coffin paying for sins than observe this...
It was a normal day in Costa Del Sol,
Nate: Everyone writhing with sunburn.
Tifa and Aeris were fighting,
Nate: Tifa and Aeris should audition for a Tenchi Muyo episode...
Cloud and Sephiroth were at the bar,
Vincent: I see...after Sephiroth is defeated, he becomes a depressing drunk.
Vincent and Yuffie were doing whatever they do in the basement,
(Vincent cocks an eyebrow)
Vincent: Excuse me?
Nate: (To himself) Oh, dear...(To Vincent) Playing cards, Vincent. Don't be so paranoid.
Vincent: Ah yes, yes, of course.
RedXIII slept,
Nate: While Cloud kicked a soccer ball into his head.
and Barret Cid and Cait Sith were fighting over the tv.
Vincent: People fall in love with the strangest things...
(Duo stumbles in and falls)
Duo: Oooffffff...
Nate: Good lord, man. You alright?
Duo: I need a shower...and I'm boycotting fish for a few weeks.
Vincent: Have a seat.
Duo: (Sarcastically) Thanks...
Cloud: So what should I do?
Duo: About what?
(Nate tells Duo the goings-on)
Duo: Well, have a threesome, obviously.
Vincent: Do you not remember why you were viciously beaten with fish in the first place?
Duo: C'mon, it's the logical thing to do!
Nate: (Sighs) You're hopeless, man.
Sephiroth: Well if I was you I'd break up with them both and never return.
Duo: Since when was he going out with either of them?
Nate: Cloud's too dense to actually know what's going on.
Cloud: I don't know I think that as I turn around to leave my kidneys would be in front of me.
Vincent: (Cloud) If a surgeon cut my torso open as I was in the process of turning around...
Sephiroth: Oh, ow that would hurt.
Duo: That's what all the drugs are for.
Cloud: Yeah...
Nate: Dammit, Cloud, shut up. Don't you think that these are the kinds of problems that guys WANT to have?!
Sephiroth50000:
Vincent: Eh? When did Sephiroth become upgraded?
Nate: Sephiroth version 50000.0, with new Pentium Cetra Processor.
*totally drunk off his ass* Ya know I cuold write one to obsess over sephiroth.
Duo: The hell?
Nate: Well, he's drunk...so cut him some slack.
Vincent: Why does Sephiroth say that his last name is "50000" whenever he is drunk?
Cloud: That sounds good. I don't care who gets me as long as I can get some
Duo: Period. End of sentence.
peace,
Duo: Whatever...we all know that "peace" is slang for--
Nate: Just don't say anything!
so it's your pick.
Vincent: Heh, I am sure that Sephiroth is in high demand amongst women.
Duo: According to sephiroth50000, women should be treated like stock.
Nate: Buy low, sell high?
Duo: Yeah, something like that.
Nate: Oh...
Sephiroth: You know I like Tifa so give Tifa the change.
Duo: Would she really appreciate a gift of fifty cents change?
I can't stand that annoying flower girl.
Nate: Uh oh...he'd best watch out for the Aeris fans...
Cloud: Sounds good.
Nate: (Cloud) Anything you say, Sephiroth. I'll come back and kiss your ass later.
Sephiroth: K I'll do it as soon as I finish my drink.
Vincent: Do what?
Duo: It.
Vincent: Become sober?
Duo: (Sighs) Not what I was thinking...
Cloud: Ok, I think I'll turn in see you tomorrow Seph.
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Alright, I hope your run-on sentence problem gets better.
Sephiroth: C'ya
Nate: The character of Sephiroth will be played by a drunk frat boy.
Vincent: Must be a mistake in the casting...
Sephiroth50000: Later.
Duo: When did Sephiroth undergo mitosis? There's 50,000 of them now!
*passes out*
Vincent: The author cannot handle his own horrible writing.
Nate: I wish I could pass out.
* * * * * *
Vincent: Six stars? He thinks very well of his work.
*at Villa Cloud*
Duo: Here's why you rename Cloud "Sex Factory".
Vincent: Villa Sex Factory?
Duo: Exactly! It's awesome!
Tifa: Bitch!
Aeris: Whore!
Nate: Why are Tifa and Aeris reenacting Tenchi Muyo scenes?
Vincent: No one will ever know...
Tifa: Pansy ass flower girl!
Aeris: Big breasted floozy!
Vincent: And yet they never seem to run out of new insults...
*cloud enters*
Duo: And if he's smart, he'll immediately leave.
Aeris/Tifa:CLOUD!!!
Vincent: Aeris divided by Tifa equals Cloud?
*they run up to hug him and get into another fight*
(Everyone has an eyebrow cocked in confusion)
Nate: Massacring Cloud to show their love for him...how...I dunno...sweet, I guess.
*cloud goes into the living room*
Vincent: When Tifa and Aeris come in, it will be called the dying room.
Barret: Cloud tell cancer man that you want to watch A-Team.
Nate: How come Marvel or Capcom never had a Cancer Man?
Cid: No tell Reeves %&$#ing bed toy
Duo: (Blinking) Boy toy?
Vincent: (Frustrated) Bed toy...
Duo: Either way, it still sounds disgusting.
that Dukes Of Hazzard is on.
Nate: Why the hell is he always watching that show? How does it relate to Cid at all?
Cait: Tell Mr.T Barney is on.
Duo: (Barret) I pity da foo' who don't let me watch A-Team!
*meanwhile*
Vincent: In a complete different story...
Bar tender: Get out you drunk.
Duo: Oh, okay. (Gets up)
Nate: Won't work, Duo.
(Duo sits down)
Me: Ok ok I gotta help cloud out anyway.
Vincent: When did the character Me appear in the storyline of Final Fantasy VII?
Duo: Hell if I know.
*stumbles home to computer*
Nate: Home meaning parents' basement.
Me: Ok so Seph wanted Aeris because he hates Tifa.
Duo: Hmph, and people think I womanize and patronize females...just look at this! He's trying to WRITE A FIC WHERE WOMEN ARE PASSED AROUND LIKE BUTTER AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!!
Vincent: It relieves most of your troubles, seemingly...
Duo: Yeah...
*Makes personality revision*
Nate: Sometimes authors abuse their power far too much.
Duo: Next thing ya know, Cloud's become the next pop sensation and Sephiroth tries on frilly panties for a living.
Vincent: And sadly, authors can do that...in fact...that has probably been done...
*at sephiroth's house*
Vincent: Who would have thought that Sephiroth owned a pleasant split-level in Kalm?
*phone rings*
Nate: (Sephiroth) *Hic! Better answer the door...
Me: Ok seph she'll fall in love when she sees you.
Duo: (Author) Just drink the Love Potion #9.
Seph: Gottcha I'll call Spikey.
Nate: Sure, bring Buffy characters into the story...just worsen it, why don't you...
*calls Cloud*
Duo: (Author) HEY CLOUD!!!!
Vincent: (Cloud) Use the phone...
Duo: (Author) Oh...
Cloud: Ok we'll do it at dinner tonight.
Duo: No, no...not more yaoi!
Vincent: Do not jump to conclusions...maybe "it" means...er...
Duo: You're not helping, Vincent!
*hangs up* Tifa, Sephiroth is coming over for dinner.
Vincent: That is the least likely event to ever occur in FF7...
Nate: Sephiroth brings over tea and begins talking in a poppish British accent.
Tifa: Ok, I still don't see why he and you are friends but ok.
Vincent: (Cloud) Oh...his attempt at planetary destruction was just his way of saying he wanted a secure friend and confidant...
Nate: Kids do the darndest things.
* * * * * *
Vincent: Aim...fire...
*that night about an hour before dinner*
Nate: A big censor sign appears inside the house.
*doorbell rings, Aeris ansers*
Vincent: Hmm...you really do learn a new word everyday...
Sephiroth: Uh hi Aeris
Duo: (Sephiroth) Have you seen my punctuation?
Aeris: Hi sephiroth you look hot.
Seph: ...O...K...
Nate: (Aeris) No, I'm serious. You're sweating real bad! You alright?
*sephiroth goes to the kitchin*
Duo: I could use a good chin kit, too.
Seph: Hi tifa you look splendid tonight.
Duo: (Sephiroth) In a slutty, dirty kind of way.
Tifa: Don't give me any of that bs the only reason I don't kill you right here is because of witnesses.
Nate: Oh no! Tifa is trapped in an anime full of rapidly talking, lips-out-of-sync people!
Seph:*looks around* There's no one here.
Vincent: (Tifa) I locked them all in the basement...
Tifa: Look behind you.
Vincent: Ah, the killer.
Seph:Aeris!?
Duo: Hey, it's Aeris! And she's wearing pants today!
Nate and Vincent: (Deadpan) Yay...
Aeris:*grabs seph and takes him to the others* Look who's here!!
All: Norm!
Yay sephiweffi is here.
(Everyone looks disgusted)
Nate: I can only take so much love mushiness before I get suicidal.
Vincent: It would be quite interesting if the choir sung that name when we fought Sephiroth...
Nate and Duo: (The choir) SEPHIWEFFI!
Vincent: I was not asking you to actually sing...
Everyone: ... ... ...
Vincent: Why are they talking in morse code?
???
Duo: (Riddler) RIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN! WHOO HO HOOOOOO!!!
*at that moment as if on que
Vincent: On que?
Nate: ¿Que?
Duo: Don't do that.
Nate: ¿Que?
Duo: Stop it...
Nate: ¿Que?
Vincent: Nate, you do realize that my gun is fully loaded and ready to kill, do you not?
Nate: ¿Qu..ina? How's he/she doing?
Vincent barrels out of the basenent wearing only blood red boxers and screaming*
Duo: Ah, no different than usual.
Vincent: I beg to differ.
Duo: Well, you can't.
Vinny:
Vincent: No...do not call me that...ever.
Please help she's going to kill me.
Nate: (Chuckles) Wow, Vincent...you really sound terrified. Look at the sheer emotion in that sentence!
Cloud: Who?
Duo: (Cloud, stoned) ...Why? ...How?
Vinny: Her.
Vincent: Stop with that name...now...
*yuffie then comes up the stairs
Nate: Searching for her missing capital Y.
wearing tight black leather and holding a whip*
Duo: Dude, she's 16...
Nate: That didn't stop the Olsen twins.
Duo: Good point.
Yuffie: Oh Vinnywinny
Vincent: -_-
Nate: You okay?
Vincent: Do not talk to me...
we still have an hour till dinner.
Vincent: Given the way you are dressed and what you are planning, I would rather taste Cid's cooking than to be submitted to...that...
Vincent: *being dragged into the basement* Noooooooooooooo!!!
Vincent: Why am I being so weak? I could transform and tear her into shreds and eat the remains...
(Nate and Duo look nervous)
*screams are heard for the next couple minutes.
Duo: Screams of pleasure...
Vincent: No...
Nate: Multiple orgasmic screams...
Vincent: No...!
they seem to get muffeled out*
Nate: Because Vincent learned to actually enjoy needy women.
Vincent: Do not start...
Cloud: Ok so wants to watch a movie after dinner.
Everyone: sounds good
Duo: (Cloud) Home movies!
(Nate groans)
* * * * * *
Duo: Snipers shot six people that night.
*after dinner*
Duo: Egh...we don't wanna know!
Red: I wanna wach Lion King.
Nate: (Red) The X-rated version...
Cait: Barney.
Vincent: Absolutely not...kill him now.
Aeris: Titanic.
All: Boo!
Cid: Dukes Antholgy.
Duo: Crap! It's crap!
Barret: A-Team reunion.
All: No.
Vincent: Dracula Dead and Loving it.
Vincent: An odd choice...but doable...
Yuffie: I'm with Vinny
Vincent: ...Do not...call me that...
Tifa: Whatever Cloud wants to see
Duo: Pardon me, Ms. Kiss Ass?
Cloud: Lets let Seph decide.
Duo: (Sephiroth) Got any pornos?
Aeris: Seppywoff wach Titanic wit me.
Nate: (Groans) Good God, get out of the third grade.
*makes puppy dog eyes*
Vincent: I am actually FOR Sephiroth killing her again at this point.
Seph: Lets wach Dracula.
Nate: Wach?
Vincent: Wack...
Duo: Cool, let's go wack Dracula!
Aeris: *pout pout* Pwease
Nate: Shut up! Whinny bitch...Vincent, don't ever let this author alter your personality.
Vincent: That would only happen over my dead body.
Duo: Any author could easily arrange that.
Vincent: ...
Seph: fine.
Duo: Aeris slowly but surely puts that leash on poor Sephiroth...
Aeris: Yay! My Seppy loves me.
(Everyone cringes)
Vincent: I cannot take this...this...fluffiness...
*during the movie everyone falls asleep except Aeris and Sephiroth*
Duo: Whoo! And we know what that means!
Nate: Ah, please. This Aeris is too cutesy to actually know what sex is.
Aeris: *crying*
(Everyone groans)
Nate: (Annoyed Sephiroth) What is it THIS time, Aeris?
I love that movie so much, don't you seppyweppie?
Vincent: (Sephiroth) Watching four hours of choppy romance and a slowly submerging death ship always makes my day.
Seph: It was boring until she got naked then it sucked.
Duo: Yeah, I'll drink to that!
* * * * * *
Nate: Tankers have aimed their shots at that damned Yellow Brick Road...goodbye Oz...
Duo: Damn, I wish OZ would be history...
Vincent: Which one?
Duo: Oz and OZ.
*Sephiroth leaves and calls me*
Vincent: (Sephiroth) By changing personalities, I did not mean make her mind younger...
Seph: That was a mean joke.
Nate: Nowadays, changing personalities to satisfy somebody's love need is just not a real funny joke.
Me: Wadda mean I did exactally what you asked.
Vincent: (Squints eyes to read) He...made an exact tally of what he asked?
Seph: The flower girl likes me now.
Vincent: Simply kill her off, he makes such a big deal out of this...
Me: Oh.
Seph: Can you change it?
Duo: (Author) Sure, I'll make Aeris a vicious killer and lust after your blood instead of your body.
Nate: (Sephiroth) Sounds smart.
Me: Yes... but I wont
Seph: Why?
Vincent: (Author) Because you stole my periods.
Me: It's funny this way
Nate: It's not really funny...it just makes me hate Aeris and makes me wish I could staple her mouth shut.
Vincent: Indeed...
*i hang up*
Duo: Now he's gotta watch some porn.
Nate: Porn?
Duo: Yeah, what else would you do if you lived in your parents' basement all day?
Well what did you think?
Vincent: Fanfiction like this should be made illegal.
I may add chapters if it gets good reivews.
Vincent: Whatever those are...
Feel free to flame me.
(Vincent checks his pockets for Fire Materia)
Nate: Wrong kind of flame, Vincent.
Duo: C'mon, let's take a break.
Vincent: I could use one...
(Everyone leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Duo turns on the television and flips through the channels. Ironically, he runs into a The Tick episode. Duo watches in terror as small blue midgets with fish pelt Tick mercilessly. "Hmph...so that's where Nate got that idea..." says Duo quietly to himself.
"You know..." says Vincent. "I do not think any of us were exactly broken by that piece."
"No kidding," agrees Nate. "Can whatever's up next be any worse than that?"
"You watched TV and decided to beat me with fish?!" exclaims Duo.
"Geez, you're still not over that?" asks Nate.
"I smell like a combination of trout and ass, you bastard!" yells the gundam pilot.
Reno's image appears on the satellite monitor. "Stop arguing and get back in that theater. The climax of this experiment is about to take place, so stop straggling," says the Turk.
The room buzzes with light and noise again and everyone looks slightly worried. "Hmm...I have one of those...bad feelings," says Vincent.
"You're not the only one..." replies Nate as the trio trudges into the theater.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Everyone takes their seats)
Nate: Time for the main event.
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Duo: Minus minus minus minus minus minus--
Vincent: Stop that.
Tit For Tat
Duo: Oh, so this is one of those "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" fics.
Vincent: That is disconcerting...especially if I am involved.
After thinking good and hard, and for lack of a better title,
Nate: And lack of consideration for the readers...
By: TBOtaku
Nate: Otherwise known as Otacon's sister.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duo: A line segment involves two end points connected by a line.
Vincent: How wise you are.
Vincent Valentine groaned.
(Vincent groans)
Nate: Cool, you're the star again, buddy!
Vincent: ...Leave me alone.
His body had gotten damn beat up
Duo: Which is a level or two above a regular beating.
after that long battle with the Ultimate Weapon.
Vincent: It really was not that hard...
Nate: Besides, just rest at an inn for three seconds and you'll be perfectly fine.
He needed a bath.
(Nate sniffs Vincent)
Vincent: What are you doing?
Nate: You do kinda smell.
Vincent: I will shower after this reading...
With that thought, he walked into the bathroom of his room in Cloud's Costa de Sol villa and started to undress,
Duo: Watch out! You'll be blinded!
Nate: Beware of the typical lack of the FF character chest hair!
Vincent: ...
careful not to let his clothes touch the still fresh wounds on his skin.
Vincent: Yes, of course...that must be the first thing on my mind.
He turned the shower onto hot water, stepped in,
Duo: Damn, my shower takes a good ten minutes to get that warm.
and pulled the curtains in.
(Nate and Duo let out a sigh of relief)
Vincent: Hmph, and you consider yourselves to be shapely?
Nate: Er...
Duo: Well...
Vincent sighed; he finally felt relaxed after being tense and cramped for so long.
Nate: Until his limit break accidently went off.
Duo: (Vincent) Ah, what a nice sho--er...AAAARRRRGHGGH!
(Flashback to Cloud's car, two hours ago…)
Vincent: Cloud owns a car?
Nate: Car's exist in FF7?
Duo: Cloud drives the short bus, remember?
Nate: Oh yeah...
"Why didn't you buy a bigger car?" Vincent grumbled.
Vincent: I have a good point, we are insanely wealthy.
Cloud looked him in the eye.
Nate: The only one you can really see.
"Because it was the biggest they had in Bone Village.
Duo: Damn! They excavated a friggin' car?!
Nate: One that works and can use unleaded gas, too.
Vincent: The Ancients had impressive automotive technology.
So sue me.
Vincent: Very well, Cloud. I shall see you in court.
And anyway I didn't have enough gil to buy the deluxe version after I bought that awesome sword."
Nate: Why fight Sephiroth when you can blow off money for luxury items?
Cloud smiled down at his new Moonblade sword.
Duo: Well, that's weird. A typical store-bought sword is more powerful than the Ultima Weapon. That's really sumthin'!
"Awww…you need a polishing, don'tcha? Yeeesss you do! Yessss you do! I bet you'd like that, wouldn't yo-"
Duo: Oh my God...I don't even wanna know what happens in THAT relationship...
"SOMEBODY had better SHUT THE )!#($!@ UP BEFORE I USE MY GUN ON YOU, FOO!"
Nate: Wow, Vincent. You sure broke character fast.
Vincent: I somehow doubt I said that...
Nate: One of these days you will!
Barret and Cid yelled simultaneously from the back seat next to Vincent,
Vincent: Wow...I really feel sorry for myself.
Duo: You always do.
"BECAUSE IT'S GETTIN' ON MAH NERVES, STRIFE!
Nate: It's strange how Barret and Cid said the exact same sentence at the exact same time...
Duo: They probably prepared the line beforehand when they were taking a piss.
"
Nate and Duo: (Barret and Cid, speaking perfectly in tune with each other): BECAUSE I'M DAMN CONSTIPATED AND NEED A REST STOP, STRIFE!
Cloud turns around and notices their newly upgraded weapons. O.O
Vincent: And he immediately turns into Mickey Mouse without the ears...
Vincent smiles,
Nate: Bad Vincent, stay in character.
Vincent: I am allowed an occasional smile, thank you.
but then winces as that humungous idiot Cait Sith moved around again and bumped him on his arm.
Duo: Whoa, how much space do those back seats have? Two huge people and two regular people...they should be in one of those SUV commercials.
The arm that HURT.
Nate: The same arm that has the "bad hand", as everyone loves to call it.
He should just take out his claw and bludgeon that fool to death,
Vincent: Of course.
but he had proved himself in battle
Vincent: How? By getting incorrectly lined up slots and wasting group time? Bludgeon him now...
…stupid mog.
Duo: (Scooby Duo villain) You could have gotten away with it if hadn't been for that Cait Sith...and his mog, too...
Stupid cat, not to mention wacko pervert.
Nate: What a great invention Reeve made. His very own toy pervert.
Vincent had caught him looking in at him through a crack in the door while he was in the bath more than once.
Vincent: (Cringing) He what?
Duo: Whew...you might wanna have a talk with Reeve, pal.
Vincent: I will set Cait Sith on fire at my whim.
Remembering this, he flexed his claw restlessly.
Nate: And then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!
Vincent: No...just minor arm movement...
Nate: Oh, my bad.
Cait Sith stopped moving abruptly.
Duo: Damned Energizer batteries.
(End flashback)
Nate: Personally, I always have flashbacks that relate to how I wound up taking a shower.
***
Duo: I'd get that third eye removed if I was you.
Meanwhile, Yuffie Kisaragi was busy "collecting"
Duo: Boyfriends.
Vincent: She must have difficulty with that.
as she called it. In reality she was going through all of Vincent's stuff
(Vincent sneers)
Nate: Relax, it's "fic stuff" not "your stuff".
in his room looking for some good materia to steal.
Nate: (Yuffie) Let's see...Fire...Lightning...Shiva...Kill The Entire Earth...Ifrit...no good materia here!
Vincent was bound to have something really good,
Vincent: Why would I have anything? I believe Cloud would allocate the best materia to himself...
she had never searched his room before.
Vincent: And we should keep it that way, yes?
Duo: ...No, sorry, pal.
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.
She yelled,
Vincent: And I heard her and shot her.
frustrated after 15 minutes of searching.
Duo: A genuine ninja, getting tired and lazy after things don't go her way.
"…Waitasec, doesn't he usually take all his stuff-weapons included, that wierdo-into the shower with him?
Vincent: What? Of course not. I am not so abnormal that I--
Nate: Let it go...
Awwww, damnit all to hell!
Duo: I think Yuffie's been possessed by Cid.
The things I do for materia…"
Vincent: O_O
Duo: Uh oh...
Vincent: Does she actually plan on...?
(Nate nods)
Vincent: ...
Yuffie squeezed her eyes shut for a minute and then opened them again.
Duo: Yeah, then her contacts get stuck in her eyes and she dies.
Nate: Dies?
Duo: Sure, why not?
An evil smile appeared on her face.
Nate: Wow, the Sorceress moved on to possess Yuffie now.
Vincent: She takes any trash she can find, I see.
"Well, well, Valentine, we _are_ going to have some fun, aren't we?
Vincent: I think not...
Oh, yes we are….heh heh heh."
Vincent: And she is not even sober...
Duo: I think she is now possessed by Butthead.
Yuffie quickly cleaned everything up and crept silently out of the room.
Nate: The end! End it! Say it's the end of Chapter One! We don't want any more!
***
Duo: Nope...that means there's more...
Nate: Oh, crap.
The steamy shower calmed Vincent down.
Duo: Calmer than he already is? Dude, he'd fall down dead if that happened.
He slowly lathered up his hands and began washing his wounds,
(Nate sings Psycho music)
making sure to clean them so that he wouldn't be getting any nasty infections.
Duo: Since when were you obsessive compulsive, Vincent?
Vincent: Good question...
The soap slipped from his hands and zipped around the tub until it settled in the bottom right corner.
Nate: Oh no...no no no...just get some other soap up on the rack. UP, UP, UP, look up!
Vincent bent down to get it.
Duo: And he then realized that he was in a prison shower...
Vincent: Ugh...you are only making this worse...
Nate: Damn, I'm disgusted already...is it over?
Yuffie saw her chance.
Duo: Yuffie sees her chance as Vincent is bending over? For what?
Nate: We always did say that Yuffie was part man...
Duo: Nasty, man! Yuck...
She had snuck into the bathroom through a secret passageway
Vincent: Which was right next to the secret passageway leading from the Study to the Kitchen.
used for emergencies
Duo: In case somebody had to go THAT badly.
about 10 seconds before and waited patiently.
Vincent: For me to expose my rear end? She should not be seeing this...
Nate: It probably is that nasty.
Vincent: That is not what I meant...
While Vincent was distracted,
Duo: It must take you a long time to pick up a damn piece of soap. Is it moving around or something?
she quickly went through all his things on the ground,
Nate: (Yuffie) Towel...linen...towel...shampoo...Vincent's Playboys...
making sure to put them back where they were before.
Vincent: Right, back on the ground. A difficult place to miss.
She checked his shirt
Vincent: That is an invasion of privacy beyond compare...
(hmm…nice. Was this made out of silk?).
Vincent: No, it is made out of my sin that I had conceived during my long slumber...
Duo: Er...right...
Vincent: Hmm...very well...it is silk.
No materia. She checked his gun.
Vincent: The safety was off and she shot herself...
No materia. She checked his pants
Nate: I don't like where any of this is going...
Vincent: (Cringing) You are not the only one...
(Urgh, I think I'm gonna puke!).
Duo: Do Vincent's pants cause motion sickness?
No materia. She almost screamed.
Nate: Then give up! Leave! Who in their right mind would bring materia into the friggin' bathroom?!
'OH #)(@!
Duo: Great, now Cid's in the bathroom!
Nate: It's getting crowded.
He musta taken it into the shower with him!
Vincent: What? Is she out of her mind? I am not that paranoid about my possessions...
Duo: Yeah, well...I hope you know what this is foreshadowing...
Vincent: What do you mean?
Duo: She wants materia, she thinks you took it with you in...there. Put two and two together.
Vincent: Surely you--
(Duo shakes his head)
Nooooooo!!! Oh well; good thing I am the best Wutai ninja in history."
Nate: Yeah, simply because she's the ONLY Wutai ninja in history.
Yuffie let out a shaky sigh and stepped into the shower behind Vincent,
(Vincent falls out of his chair in shock)
Nate: Holy crap! You okay?
Vincent: (Looks back up at the screen) So I was not imagining things...(Sits back down)
her eyes closed tightly. Then she opened them.
Vincent: Th--th--this is...wrong...very wrong...
Duo: She opened them and it was all a dream!
Nate: Welcome back to Kansas, Yuffie.
The sight of it make her freeze where she was.
Duo: (Snickering) Yeah...freezing in disgust.
Vincent: Hmph, I am stronger than both of you put together. I should be patronizing you.
Duo: Eh...
Oh holy @)^!*# what a sexy bod that scary vampire guy had.
Vincent: Urp...
Nate: You okay?
Vincent: This has to end...
Yuffie stood frozen there, unable to move, much less take her eyes off Vincent searching for the soap.
Duo: Good lord! Does the soap have evasive manuevers? You sure do take your time!
Nate: He's letting Yuffie view the good stuff.
Vincent: I hate you both.
'I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here'
Nate: Is she rapping?
was going through her mind like a broken record, but she was paralyzed.
Duo: Vincent's ass cast Stop on her.
Nate: Too bad the ass only has one materia slot.
Another, more perverted thought crept into her head: 'Oh gawd; sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy sexy…'
(Vincent gags)
Duo: Just relax, buddy. This can't get any worse, y'know.
Vincent: (Composing himself) Yes, you are right. Yet this is worse than any nightmare I may have had in my coffin...
And still she stood, her hair and clothes getting soaked by the hot water, with her mouth hanging open like some kind of idiot.
Nate: She IS an idiot. It's not hard for her to accomplish that.
'Got it!' Vincent thought.
Vincent: About time...the soap is a better antagonist than Yuffie.
He reached for the pouf(yes, the pouf.)
Vincent: Pouf? And that is...?
Duo: Poof?
Nate: Poop?
Vincent: So I am either reaching for a large, fluffy cloud or a pile of feces?
hanging behind him. But where was the pouf?
Duo: Better question: What is the pouf?
And why was there something soft behind him instead of the rack and the wall?
Nate: Oh...no...
Vincent: What is it?
"Uhhh…" Vincent turned around…
Duo: And then the earth ended! What a fitting conclusion. Eh...heh...(He shifts uncomfortably in his seat)
And saw that he had his hand clenched on the left breast of Yuffie Kisaragi.
Vincent: Ack! Oomph! Urk...! (He begins convulsing)
Nate: Oh my God! You okay?
Vincent: Urp! Aaaahhh! Help...!
Duo: !@#%^!!!!!
O.O
Duo: And Vincent immediately transformed into Goofy.
Vincent: I...I...must...
"…OH MY GOD HOLY MOTHER )!#(@!ING @)(#!)@!!)$(!@# WHAT THE )#($!)(!)! ARE YOU DOING HERE YUFFIE KISARAGI OH @)(#!)!! OH MY GOD GET OUT! GET OUT! OH HOLY MOTHER @)#(! @!#(!!@#(!)@ )@$T)^Y&!)!)(#@ )(&@)$&$(*(**(#*)(*(&^#)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nate and Duo: ...Whoa...
Vincent: (Finally composed) Alright...enough is enough...I--
Nate: C'mon, Vincent. The absolute worst is over, right?
Vincent: (Rubs his eyes, trying to forget what he read) Yes...but I will be washing that horrible breast clenching hand for several hours after this story is over...
Barret, Tifa, Cid, Cloud, Aeris and Red XIII looked up from watching the TV.
Duo: They actually agreed on something to watch?
Cait Sith was outside busy repairing his mog body.
Vincent: (Voice still a little choppy from shock) Using what? Cotton?
"Uhh, Cid, I think you'd better go check on him," Red XIII said.
Nate: (Vincent) No thanks! Bathroom's already pretty crowded!
"What the f*ck?! Why me, you lousy dog??
Duo: Who knows what he is...? Cat? Dog?
Nate: More like a Cog or a Dat.
Why don't YOU go, or better yet, why doesn't Tifa or Barret go?"
Duo: No matter who you send, things'll get a bit awkward.
Nate: Just a wee bit.
Cid yelled. But it was too late. Tifa, Barret, and a hysterically laughing Cloud
Nate: Huh? Did someone give Cloud laughing gas or something?
Duo: Yeah...hey, Vincent! How come you're being so quiet?
Vincent: Leave me alone...I am still recovering...
had dragged him to the bathroom door and shoved him into it.
Vincent: Everyone has forgotten how doors actually work. You must open them, you see.
Nate: Impressive...
Cid slammed into the door, and the force of his body hitting the wood broke it open.
Vincent: (Recovering his dark side) And the wood penetrated his skin, gave him ganegreen, and he immediately died.
SLAM!
Nate: The fic is done in the style of an old Batman episode.
The foursome stared goggle-eyed at the scene before them:
Vincent: No...no, do not reexplain the scene.
Vincent Valentine, naked as a newborn baby,
Duo: Had Yuffie in one of those positions that only the Kama Sutra tells us of.
Vincent: Disgusting...
was clutching at Yuffie's left boob
Vincent: What? Still? The entire time I have been--? (Starts convulsing again)
Nate: ...Looks like it.
and sounded like he was choking.
Duo: I hear ya, man. No mortal could survive after THAT kind of experience.
The shower was still on,
Nate: Bathroom was flooded beyond belief.
but the curtain had been pushed aside.
Duo: Then everyone gets a free show!
Vincent: I...I...I hate...everything...
It also looked like Vincent was having a nosebleed.
Nate: The part of Vincent will be played by Tenchi Masaki...
A very, very bad nosebleed.
Duo: And then he died of bloodloss. End!
Vincent: Grr...if only...
Tifa, Cloud, Barret and Cid: O.O… YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!!
(Nate and Duo can practically hear the sound of Vincent's mind snapping in half)
Nate: Um...Vincent?
Vincent: (Stands up, deadly calm) Enough is enough...
Duo: Vincent?
Vincent: Look, my friends...look at what these authors put me through. First myself and Cloud are engaged in sexual relations...now I am grabbing a hideously ugly girl's breasts...I refuse to stay for this humiliation...
Nate: ...Vincent?
Vincent: Enough...(He moves forward toward the theater's front)
The awkward couple slowly turned toward them.
Nate: Wow, they're already a couple. They move fast.
(Vincent throws his gun and cape on the floor)
Duo: What are you doing?
Vincent: ...Leaving.
Duo: You can't do that!
Vincent: Watch me...
Then Vincent noticed that he was still holding onto Yuffie's breast and let go.
Nate: And after doing that, the planets finally regained their balance and Hell stopped freezing over.
(Vincent removes his mask and throws it to the ground. He begins glowing red)
Duo: Oh, no...not again...
"…Excuse…me…"
Duo: (Vincent) Would this be your boob?
Yuffie turned around, sat down, hugged her knees, and screamed…extremely loud.
Duo: Wow, some girls orgasm at the tiniest things...
(Vincent's form grows larger, his arms and legs bulge and pulsate)
Vincent: Errgh...!
Nate: Er...
Likewise, Vincent had finally regained his aura of death and silence-
Nate: Like that would make things less awkward.
(Wings sprout from Vincent's back)
Duo: Should we...panic?
Nate: Just remain calm.
not to mention common sense-and wrapped a towel around his torso.
Duo: Then that pervert Cait Sith snatched the towel and took some pictures.
(Vincent completes his transformation by growing horns out of his head)
Nate: Oh, great...
Then he grabbed Yuffie,
Duo: And passionately--
Nate: No, Duo...no.
Chaos: Heh...heh...urrr...
threw her out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut.
Nate: Yup, he and his hand need some time alone...
Chaos: Urrrgh...RRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!
Duo: Stop making fun of Vincent! He's friggin' pissed!
Nate: You were doing it too!
(Chaos flies through the theater door, leaving Nate and Duo behind)
After about 20 seconds, he came back out, fully dressed this time and stared at Yuffie.
Nate: (Yuffie) Same time tomorrow?
Duo: (Vincent) You bet!
Nate and Duo: ...
Nate: Maybe we should check on things...
Duo: Good idea...
(They quickly leave the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
The duo quickly runs out of the theater door in search of the berserked Vincent. "I don't see anything," explains Nate.
"And I don't hear anything," says Duo.
"Huh? That's odd," says Nate as he looks at a blinking light with the word "odd" on it.
"Can we find him?" asks Duo.
Nate punches some buttons and throws some switches. "Oh my God!" yells Nate.
"What?" replies Duo.
"There's a gapping hole in the satellite! He broke out!" yells Nate.
"!$%$#!!!" yells Duo. "Get Reno!"
"I'm trying! There!"
Reno's image appears. He is lying on a lawnchair reading a magazine raving about the Turks. "Heh...we are cool, aren't we?" says Reno.
"RENO!!!!" yells the two on the satellite.
"The hell? What do you want?"
"Listen!" yells Nate. "Vincent went berserk during the fic, turned into a demon, and busted out of the satellite!"
"He's out of the satellite!?" Reno throws his magazine on the ground and practically falls out of his lawn chair. "Damn it! He can't leave now! This will ruin the experiment!"
"What about our oxygen?" asks a concerned Duo.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll get to that!" yells Reno. "Just finish that story. Leave Vincent to me."
"Didn't you say that would ruin the experiment?" asks Nate.
"I'll have to find a replacement, but at this hour? Impossible..." Reno murmurs to himself. "Just get back in the theater!"
Nate and Duo quickly return to the theater as the alarms and lights blink after them.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
(Nate and Duo take their seats)
Nate: Damn, Vincent really couldn't take all that imagery.
Duo: It ain't the same without him. Death has its cool moments.
"Yuffie Kisaragi what do you think you're doing in the shower with me?!" He demanded.
Nate: And now Vincent talks like Pops Racer.
Yuffie sensed that she was being ordered around
Nate: (FF7 Game Message) Vincent...Level 99...HP 9999...MP 999...Ordering People Around...
and quickly regained her composure. "I was looking for materia and couldn't find it in your room so I thought you took it into the shower with you so I snuck into the bathroom but I didn't find any materia in your stuff there either so I thought you had it in the shower with you so I went in to see"
Duo: (Vincent) Oh...my mistake! I thought it was something stupid or weird! My bad!
she prattled. Yuffie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Nate: And her breath was set free into the wild to mingle with other little breaths and make a whole little breath family...
"You pervert! For your information I hide my materia in Cid's closet next to his porno magazines!"
Nate: Oh, I guess the Right Hand Movement Plus Materia belongs to Cid.
Vincent yelled. Cid turned scarlet
Duo: He turned scarlet in the Lounge with the Lead Pipe.
and mumbled something about "getting em for the coupons."
Duo: 50% off all lubricant!
Nate: Ick.
Tifa acted swiftly and pounded his head into the floor with her elbow.
Nate: And broke his neck, instantly killing him.
Duo: You're not supposed to be saying that kinda stuff.
Nate: Somebody's gotta do it...
Meanwhile Cloud had been laughing the whole time and was still at it now.
Duo: What the hell's wrong with him? He's been laughing ever since the beginning!
Barret took the lead and pulled Yuffie none too gently into his room.
Duo: For some red-hot luvin'!
Nate: (Redneck Barret) C'mon baby! I'm gonna make luv to ya!
"Now, Yuffie, I know you ain't a pervert,
Nate: The first of many bald-faced lies said by Barret...
or at least I hope to God you're not, but this is just plain wrong and I want you to explain yourself before I gotta pound your girly ass in front of everybody,"
Duo: My money's on Barret for that fight, I dunno why.
Barret growled.
Nate: He then proceeded to fetch, roll over, play dead, and lick himself.
"It's just like I told ya, Barret! I was looking for his materia and I froze when I saw him!
(A figure walks into the theater)
Duo: Who the hell?
???: Hi guys!
Nate: ...Aeris?
Aeris: Yeah, it's me! How's it going?
Duo: Hey, you're dispossessed!
Aeris: Nah...(Suddenly sounds very evil) I am still the embodiment of the great sorceress...and any resistance means your death...
Duo: Uh...pudding?
I didn't MEAN to just keep staring at him like that!"
Aeris: Yeah, and you two can't stop looking at me!
Nate: Um...if you're still possessed, then why are you acting like the old Aeris?
Aeris: Reno told me to, in order to make his silly experiment more valid or something. Hee hee!
Yuffie protested.
Duo: And I protest to having Mrs. Satan in the theater!
Aeris: Tee hee!
Barret eyed her for a second.
Nate: His brain immediately hurt from the image.
"Yuffie, was that your first time seein a man naked?"
Duo: Nah, Yuffie's looked in the mirror plenty of times.
Yuffie nodded. "Oh, lord. Yuffie I suppose your father never gave you 'the talk,'
Aeris: Ancients never get "talks" either!
Duo: Ah, that's too bad. You never get some?
Aeris: Some what?
Duo: Heh, heh, nevermind. (To himself) Maybe a chick in here ain't so bad...even if she is possessed and very evil...
right?" Yuffie shook her head no. "Oh, LORD," said Barret.
Nate: Hmm...he's turning into a televangelist.
"Ok, well let's just close the door,
Duo: Damn, what's Barret planning? Eh, eh? Wink wink-
Aeris: There are ladies present, mister!
Duo: (To himself) I take it back...this sucks.
and don't you ever say a WORD
Aeris: (Vanilla Ice) To your mother...
about this, girl, or I am really going to kick your ass to Midgar."
Nate: (Kid) And then I'll kick your sorry arse until you kiss the moons!
Barret shut the door.
(Duo hums cheap porno music)
Nate: Barret would probably be a good pimp if he got one of those pink overcoats and neat canes.
Aeris: Pimpin'...
After two hours, a lot of crayons, cross-dressing, and much serious talking,
Duo: Crayons?
Aeris: Everyone's gotta learn how to color code people's private parts.
Nate: Be careful with the colors...last thing you want is a purple who-who and a green yum-yum.
Aeris: You're sick!
Duo: All guys are, live with it.
Yuffie got the full dose of "the talk."
Aeris: In a neat little pill form.
Slowly, she stood up from her sitting position on the bed and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
Nate: Barret will now take Yuffie out to pasture...
"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW GAWD I AM NEVER HAVING SEX I NEVER WANNA SEE ANOTHER NEKKID GUY AGAIN IN MY LIFE!"
Aeris: Peace, girlfriend!
Yuffie screamed. Five pairs of eyes stared at her.
Duo: Strangely, they all belonged to one person.
Vincent was sulking in his room.
Aeris: And goodness knows where he is right now.
Yuffie ran into her room and got dressed faster than she had ever gotten dressed in her life,
Nate: She's been naked this entire time? No wonder things are so awkward.
Duo: And are also now very disgusting.
coming out in a white tank top and jeans shorts.
Aeris: Don't forget your tampons!
Nate and Duo: ...
Then she walked into the hall and headed towards the living room. As she rounded the corner, she smacked into something solid.
Nate: Right, the corner.
And that something solid was Vincent Valentine,
Aeris: At least he's not in liquid or gas form.
a shocked look on his face with skin matching his capes.
Duo: Damn, how many does he need? It's hot in Costa del Sol!
Nate: He has a little magician act.
"…" He stared at her for a second and then walked away into the living room.
Nate: Where he rightly vomited.
Aeris: What's so bad about Yuffie, guys?
Duo: Just look at her, she's a disgusting goo of human existance.
Aeris: Meanie!
Yuffie looked at her feet and followed him.
Aeris: Well, okay, so she's stalking him. What's the big deal? It's cute!
***
Aeris: Hey, it's one of those star-struck cyclops!
The group eyed the pair at dinner.
Duo: Kind of hard not to do when they're having sex on the table.
Neither was eating a bite.
Duo: Rather, they were eating-
Aeris: Eww, cut it out!
Duo: Heh...I've got a million of him, baby...
Aeris: Boys are nasty.
Nate: Great job, Duo. She loves ya already.
Duo: Heh heh...yeah...
Both were staring at the meal as if their lives would end if they looked up from the plate.
Nate: Well, that's what the creepy executioner guy told them.
"Anyone want cherry pie?"
Aeris: Duo, if you say anything about cherries, I'll summon the Ancients and mess you up!
(Duo mumbles)
Tifa offered helpfully.
Duo: Sure, I'll have Tifa's cheery pies!
Aeris: You asked for it, mister!
Duo: What'd I do?!
Normally Yuffie loved cherry pie.
Nate: And normally we hate Yuffie. And that has not changed.
But tonight she just kept staring at her food.
Nate: She was determined to win the staring contest, at all costs...
Vincent was busy checking his claw,
Aeris: For what? Termites? Sins that call for eternal sleep?
Duo: (Vincent) Damn...a tick...flea...memories of Lucrecia...
and silent as always. Cloud took advantage of the situation and started shoveling as much food into his mouth as possible.
Duo: Is he still laughing like a dumbass for no particular reason?
He was reaching for the last slice of pie when he saw another hand going toward it at the same time. Cid.
Nate: It was love at first sight.
The two men started death glares at each other and started getting into fighting mode.
Aeris: Cloud's equipped with the Spatula Blade, Napkin Armlet, and he has the Hunger Ring! Cid's got a mean Salad Fork Spear, Tablecloth Armlet, and the deadly Tummy Ache Badge!
Yuffie stole a quick glance at Vincent,
Nate: (FF7 game message) Couldn't steal anything...
Duo: (Yuffie) Dammit!
who just happened to be staring at her too.
Duo: Unfortunately, Vincent had a taste for human flesh after his little "incident".
They blushed deeply,
Aeris: (Giddily) And then their heads just burst into flames!
Nate: Eh?
Aeris: Oops! (Sorceress again) I can't kick old habits...bwa ha ha...
Duo: (Uncomfortable) Uh huh...
and Yuffie started turning away, but noticed that Vincent had not taken his eyes off her.
Nate: Well, at least Vincent went berserk before he read this...otherwise he'd be really REALLY super pissed...
Meanwhilst Cloud flew like a drunken pixie out of the window
Aeris: When Tinkerbell goes bad...
and Cid, with a happy look on his face, was stuffing the pie into his mouth.
Duo: All this pie in a fic, and no one has screwed it yet. What's up with that?!
Nate: It's just not apple enough.
^_^
(Aeris's eyes twinkle happily as well)
Nate: Ugh...too much cuteness.
Vincent stood up suddenly and beckoned at Yuffie with a twitch of his finger.
Nate and Duo: AHHHH!!!!
Aeris: What's wrong?
Duo: That's the most evil statement I've ever seen!
Confused, she followed him out of the villa and into the humid Costa de Sol night air.
Nate: (Clutching his stomach in pain) End...end there! PLEASE!!!
Aeris: Hey, it's over!
Nate: (Quickly) Oh, thank God!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Duo: Several people with eye twitches have just seen a big time celebrity...
You like?
Nate: No!
Then go on to chapter 2!
Nate: (More intense) NO!
And don't forget to review!
Nate: (Mad) Stop telling me what to do! Give me freedom!
Thank you for reading!
Aeris: Hee hee! Like they had any choice!
This is my second fan fiction so far!
Duo: Why not make it your last as well?
Don't worry, I'm starting chapter 2 right after I post this!
Aeris: Yay! More stuff to read! You guys are the best!
Nate: Please leave us alone...
Info: This chapter was written on April 8th, 2001 at approximately 8:42 PM Eastern Standard Time in Maryland, USA by TBOtaku.
Duo: Umm...is there gonna be some kinda test on this?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Aeris: Party streamers!
Nate: That's enough. I'm gone.
Duo: Don't leave me with her! She's too cute!
Aeris: Wait up, guys! ^_^
(Everyone leaves the theater)
1...2...3...4...5...6...
Aeris's nature quickly returns to the possessed evil that it was originally. She goes to the computer and hails Reno. "I have completed my task, Reno," says Aeris.
"Good work, thanks for pitching in. Hope the fellas didn't rile you up," responds Reno.
"No, although 'cutsiness' seems to bother them," says Aeris.
"Whatever, anyway, the experiment's done. Now we just need to find where Valentine flew off to..." contemplates Reno.
Nate approaches the computer, trying to keep his distance from Aeris. "What if you don't find him?"
"If that happens, then I'll just have to replace him."
"Replace?" asks Duo. "Not with her!" he adds, pointing to Aeris.
"Doubtful, and also, I think I can track him down...we'll just have to see. Aeris, you get back down here. We have work to do!" bellows Reno.
"Of course..." says Aeris as she quickly vanishes.
"Huh..." says Duo.
"Yup..." adds Nate.
They are rather silent as they notice the vacant space next to the satellite "window". "Tell you what," says Nate. "I'll stare out at the window, and you sit and sulk at the table. It'll make it feel like Vincent's here and creeping us out, eh?"
"Cool, we need to make some silence happen around here! Without Vincent, who will?" replies Duo.
Nate stares out into space while Duo sits and stares at the table. After several minutes of complete silence, Nate says, "This is...boring."
Duo adds, "No kidding...how does he do that?"
"Whatever, I'm getting some sleep. Later." says Nate, going to his room.
"Later," says Duo before nodding off to sleep at the table.
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There you have it. Episode 202. Yep, Vincent made a bit of a disapperance, but I'll probably bring him back. That is, unless you, the readers, want to make some room for some special guests. If I get some good suggestions, I may write them in. If I decide otherwise, Vincent'll come back and creep us all out for a good laugh. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Please review as always. And please, go on to the little bonus fic I included, and enjoy. Peace.
"Damnit, Valentine; where the hell do you put your @)#!( materia?!"
Nate: The @)#!( materia? Just look in the @)#!( Room at the Honeybee Inn.
~SpamBlade