SPAMBLADE PROUDLY PRESENTS HIS SECOND INSTALLMENT OF...WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY!
Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own FF7, Gundam Wing, or Whose Line Is It Anyway?. They belong to Squaresoft, Hat Trick, etc etc. The host, Nate Garrack, belongs to me. Cool, huh?
Note from SpamBlade: I gotta tell ya...after getting more than thirty reviews for my first WLIIA installment, I couldn't resist doing another one. It's just too damn right! However, most of my writing time will be spent on MSTs rather than Whose Line, but I'll try pop one of these in here every now and then. Hope you enjoy.
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(Music plays)
Nate: Good evening everybody, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?!!! On tonight's show...Do I even have a last name? RENO! People like me for my personality, right? TIFA LOCKHART! Water? Where's my damn tea? CID HIGHWIND! And...I'm not wearing any underwear...VINCENT VALENTINE! And I'm your host, Nate Garrack, come on down and let's have some fun!
(Nate sits at the desk)
Nate: Hey there, everybody, and I'm glad you're watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where's everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, just like having a sense of dignity at the Honeybee Inn, the points just don't matter. If you've never seen the show, we have our performers come down here and make up everything right off the top of their heads. I give them fakey points that don't mean a thing, and at the end I choose a winner, who gets to do a little something special with me...
(Audience cheers and woos. Reno pretends to check his makeup and Tifa make kissy faces)
Nate: Yep, and the loser gets to do the special thing that you're all thinking of. So, why don't we get started with a game called...Film, TV, and Theatre Styles. This for Cid and Vincent. They're gonna start out a scene like normal, but every now and then I'll buzz them with different styles of film, TV, and theatre, and I need some suggestions...now.
Audience Member (AM): Gangster film!
AM: Barney!
AM: Horror!
AM: High school play!
AM: Star Trek!
AM: Tragedy!
Nate: Okay, okay, that's good.
AM: Porn!
Nate: I said, THAT'S GOOD! Alright, so, well, I guess you'd like a scene. Okay, Cid and Vincent are two prison inmates who can't stand the torments of prison life anymore and decide to plot an escape. So start like normal, I'll get ya some styles in just a sec.
Cid: What's wrong?
Vincent: I...I...dropped some soap.
Cid: I warned you about that!
Vincent: You said I'd get taken from behind! I thought you meant I'd get mugged!
Cid: Yeah, you got mugged alright...
(BUZZ)
Nate: Off to a very tasteful start, great. Um...high school play!
Vincent: And...so, I don't-do not, want to...(Giggles)
Cid: (Whispers) Cut it out! (Slyly waves to somebody)
Vincent: (Very badly) And we must get out and escape so that we may be free! (Laughs again)
Cid: (Whispers) I said cut it out!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Barney!
Vincent: (Childish) Barney, what's prison like?
Cid: (Barney) Well, let me sing you a song!
We love you!
You love us!
We'll cut your head until it fills with pus!
We're great friendly guys, friendly as a mutt...
Drop your soap and we'll get you in the butt...
Vincent: (Childish) Wow, Barney, that's cool!
Cid: (Barney) It's a great feeling and helps you grow!
(BUZZ)
Nate: I don't like where that's going, so switch over to Star Trek.
Vincent: (Kirk, gasps) We-must-get-out...soon!
Cid: Captain, we can use these toothpicks as a digging device. And...there's a shuttlecraft approaching, Captain.
Vincent: (Kirk) Then...dig-so-we-can...escape!
Cid: Captain, why don't we just beam out instead?
Vincent: (Kirk) That-is-brillant!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Tragedy!
Cid: I'm sorry, man, but that was just a tragic impression.
Vincent: I know, my bad. Why don't we just leave? (Pretends to open cell door)
Cid: It was open the whole time?
Vincent: Yes, but at a very, er...tragic...expense. Many of our soldiers (stifles tears) died trying to open this door for us...it...oh woe is me!
Cid: Hell, I don't care, let's go!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Horror!
Cid: My God...the bars...they're moving around by themselves!
Vincent: Wait! They're spelling something!
Cid: It says...watch out behind you...
Vincent: No! They're saying something else!
Cid: What is it, man?
Vincent: It says...reach for that soap...hmm...
(BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, guys! (They take their seats) Thousand points to both of you. Let's move on to a game called...Scenes from a Hat! I personally love this game. (Everyone steps down, Reno and Tifa go to the left and Vincent and Cid to the right) I'm gonna take out some suggestions for scenes out of this hat, the good ones anyway, and see if these guys can act them out, starting with...confusing epitaphs.
Reno: May he rest in peace...or directly behind you with a knife, huh? (BUZZ)
Tifa: The one thing she would always say is that she hated flowers...(looks at her hands, apparently holding flowers)...oops. (BUZZ)
Nate: Okay...something to say that'll make Tifa and Aeris fight.
Vincent: Wouldn't it be great if Tifa and Aeris got into a fight? (BUZZ)
Reno: Actually girls, Cloud likes me! (BUZZ)
Nate: Whose Line Is It Anyway? outtakes.
Cid: (Nate) Hi, and welcome to Whose Linen Is It...oh, damn... (BUZZ)
Nate: Ha ha...um...how Cid's lungs must feel.
Reno: Good God, I think it's gonna rain tar again today! (BUZZ)
Tifa: (Whiney) Why'd we get so many black tattoos? (BUZZ)
Nate: Odd things to say while using the bathroom.
Cid: Personally, I enjoy the works of Ralph Ellison over Thomas Hardy. (BUZZ)
Vincent: I think I can pass this! I think I can! I almost...oh, poop. (BUZZ)
Tifa: Ah, this atmosphere makes me feel like I'm in sheer piss... (BUZZ) Bliss! (BUZZ) Whiz! (BUZZ) Jizz! (BUZZ)
Nate: Heh, um...what Nate is thinking while watching Whose Line.
Vincent: If only I had pants on, I could get up from this desk... (BUZZ)
Reno: Damn, I'd rather be up in a satellite watching bad movies... (BUZZ)
Tifa: You know, that Tifa is one hot-- (BUZZ) Oh, c'mon! (BUZZ)
Nate: Let's end on...inappropriate prologues to a marriage proposal.
Vincent: And further more, you owe me money for all those movies I took you to, you little bitch! Oh, and will you marry me? (BUZZ)
Cid: And that's when I finally decided to become a man. So, will you marry me? (BUZZ)
Reno: Damn, that girl's stacked! Oh, um...wanna get hitched? (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, lots of points for everyone. Let's move on to Let's Make a Date! Tifa, you're going to appear on a dating type show, but unfortunately you have to choose between these three guys, who have all been allocated a strange trait or quirk. If you can guess what they are, Tifa, then you win. Otherwise, you have to go on a date with Cid. Go on whenever you're ready.
Tifa: Hee hee! Um...Bachelor Numero Uno!
Reno: (AERIS) Oh, it's YOU...
Tifa: If you could be any kind of tree, which would you be?
Reno: Geez, you always ask those stupid questions! No wonder he thinks you're so dull! I'd be a pleasant birch tree, but you'd be a big BITCH TREE!
Tifa: Um...kay! Number two!
Cid: (RESTING ON AN AIRPLANE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF) Ah...this is the life. Hey there.
Tifa: Hi! What's your favorite kind of ice cream?
Cid: (Has his hands behind his head, relaxing) Well, I dunno. I always like vanilla and...huh?(He bumps up and down slightly) Oh, !$^&. I thought I took care of that! I'd better! HOLY !$#@!!!!! (Grips onto his stool) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Tifa: You sound fun! Bachelor Number Three?!
Vincent: (THINKS TIFA HAS A DEADLY, CONTAGIOUS DISEASE) Could you please not face me when you talk? (Covers his nose)
Tifa: Um...that's rude! What's your favorite band?
Vincent: God, I dunno. Just...damn it. (Pretends to spray disinfectant around him) There. I don't care. Just get away from me!
Tifa: Well, fine! Number One!
Reno: What do you want now? You know there's just no contest. I'll win it in the end, bitch! Whore! Busty slut! You just use your boobs for attention!
Tifa: I think we'll be great friends...Number Two?
Cid: AHHHHH!!! Get me down! Call the tower! Just GET ME DOWN!!!!!
Tifa: Okey-dookie! Number Three?
Vincent: What now? Where's the exit? (Covers his face again) Good God, that's hideous! Have you seen anyone about that?
Tifa: (Looks annoyed) Um... (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Why doncha guess who they are?
Tifa: Well, Number One could only be Aeris.
Reno: Yes! (Hi-fives Tifa)
Tifa: Number Two seems to be caught on a car or something.
Nate: Hmm...not quite a car...
Cid: GET ME DOWN! DOWN I SAY! I WANT DOWN! DOWN IS THE DIRECTION THAT I WANT TO GO IN!!!
Tifa: Oh, he's on an airplane!
Nate: Yes!
Tifa: And Number Three's just a real big jerk.
Nate: Ha, a little more specific.
Tifa: Oh...um...you think I'm really ugly! (Vincent makes an X with his fingers and points the X at Tifa) Um...I don't know!
Vincent: Better not sneeze in my general direction...
Tifa: Oh, he thinks I'm germy! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Yes, wonderful! Million billion points for Tifa. We're gonna go to a commercial, but come back for more of Whose Line, right after this!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ever get tired of trying to find that pesky remote control?
Man: Dammit! Where's that stupid controller? Dammit!
Well, now you don't need one! Use telepathy! Just insert the remote control microchip into your ear and push it in with a stick. Now you have full control over that pesky TV!
Man: (Concentrates) Wow! It works! But hey, what if the batteries die?
Don't you worry! The Tele-Remote functions and feeds off of your brain waves for power. Only until you're a mindless zombie lacking any brain function will you run out of power!
Man: Cool! Hey...huh?
Try the new Tele-Remote!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
Nate: Hi, and welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. We've got quite a contest going on here...Reno's just shot into a record fourth place. Let's try a game called...Duet! This is for Reno and Tifa. They're going to sing a Duet about somebody in the studio audience with the help of music master Duo Maxwell at the piano. (Nate gets up and selects someone) You!
???: Hi.
Nate: Hi, what's your name?
???: Elena.
Nate: Hi, Elena, what do you do?
Elena: I'm a Turk, I work with Reno. Hey!
Reno: Hi Elena...
Nate: Okay, so Elena, she's a Turk, works with Reno and Shinra, and I'd like you to sing in the style of...hmm...why don't you jam as Metallica? And go, whenever you're ready.
(Heavy metal music plays)
Reno: HEEEEYYYYYY!!!! YEAH! Say your prayers, if you want, if you mind me so blunt, cuz Elena's nearbyyyyyyyy!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmmeeee!!!
Tifa: Watch her with all that blond hair...approach her if you darrrreeeee!!!!
Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight!!!! Take this pink slip! And go! Get out of my sight! TAKE IT BABY! (Pretends to jam on guitar)
Tifa: Yeah! Something's wrong! It ain't right! Because tonight--she's got a big JOOOBBBB!!! She dreams of war, dreams of Tseng! But it'll end with a BAAANNNGGG!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmeeee!!!
Tifa and Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight! Take this pink slip, go, get out of our sight! YEAH!!!! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, fantastic. (They sit down) You know what, I'm gonna give ten billion points. That's right, ten billion points and I'm givin' 'em to all the readers. Because I love them that much. Thanks guys! (Audience cheers) Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's move on to Mission Impossible! This is for Cid, Vincent, and Reno. Here you go, Reno. (Gives Reno a microphone) Cid and Vincent have a seemingly difficult mission to do, just like Mission Impossible, but let's give 'em something nice and easy to do...like...
AM: Go to bed!
Nate: Go to bed? Can't get much more simple than that. For the sake of our sanity, we'll have you two use different beds.
Vincent: Thank you.
Nate: Heh, yeah. So, take it away.
Cid: I got another tape today. It says we could already be a winner!
Vincent: We'd better play it...(Cid pretends to put in the tape)
Reno: You can live with impotence if you have fun with impotence! First you just--
Cid: Wrong side, sorry. There. Let's try it again.
Reno: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cid and Vincent: Hi.
Reno: How are you?
Cid: Fine, good.
Vincent: My wife left me, I have a bad itch.
Reno: Very good, glad to hear it. I have a very crucial mission for you. As you may be aware, there are one...oh...wait...no, two, yes two, "beds" upstairs.
Cid: That's crazy talk!
Reno: No, I'm quite serious.
Cid: Oh...
Reno: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to approach these "beds" and sleep in them. If you fail to, the U.S. government will be forced to declare war, I can't explain it right now. It won't make sense!
Vincent: Yes, of course!
Reno: Good luck, gentlemen, this tape will explode when BOOM!
Vincent: Ow, damn...
Cid: We gotta fix that tape combustion thing.
Vincent: Right, but first...we need some beds to sleep in! Let's go!
(Mission Impossible music plays)
Cid: My God! We have to get up there to the second floor somehow!
Vincent: Hmm...
Cid: I'll throw a rope up there and use these suction cups to slowly crawl up!
Vincent: Right! And I'll take the stairs!
Cid: Right! (Cid pretends to climb while Vincent pretends to go up some stairs)
Vincent: Took you long enough!
Cid: Shut up, I'm old! Ah...all these rooms...where could the beds be?
Vincent: Leave it to me! I'll do the...bed...whistle call!
Cid: (Genuinely confused) The what?!
Vincent: (Does an odd whistle, Reno does a reply whistle into the mike) See? It's that room!
Cid: Which room?
Vincent: That one! (Runs around some more)
Cid: Look, there they are! Wait! There's several beams around them!
Vincent: What're we gonna do?
Cid: Wait a minute! You ate a whole load of Mexican beans earlier, didn't you?
Vincent: I'm way ahead of you, I'll fart my way over them and deactivate the beams!
Cid: I'll contemplate life while you're doing that. (Thinks)
Vincent: Er...urp...AHHH!!! (Makes a farting sound and hopes around) There, I'm on the bed!
Cid: Good! (Crawls on the ground) There, I'm on the other one!
Vincent: We could've crawled under the beams?
Cid: Sorry, forgot to mention that. We'd better get some sleep! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Wow, that was really something...huh...Well, ten thousand points to me. I'm saving up for college, you know. Let's move to a game called, Missing Scenes from Video Games. (Everyone gets up and goes to the right) I'm going to name a video game and they have to show me a cut scene that didn't make it to the final version. And...what video games should they be?
AM: Final Fantasy 7!
AM: Final Fantasy 6!
AM: 8!
AM: 9!
Nate: Good lord...
AM: Legend of Dragoon!
AM: Xenogears!
AM: Syphon Filter!
AM: Final Fantasy Tactics!
Nate: That's more than enough. So...show me the missing scene from...why not...Final Fantasy 7.
Reno: (Cloud) Well, I guess we beat Sephiroth.
Tifa: Yep...
Reno: (Cloud) Yep...Aeris is dead.
Tifa: Sure is...
Reno: (Cloud) Wanna have sex?
Tifa: ...Yeah, okay. (BUZZ)
Nate: Yeah, I'm sure that would happen.
Tifa: Not in a million years, Nate.
Nate: Heh, sure...
Cid: What's happening to the Planet?!
Vincent: Looks like the red bulgy thing is crashing into the big metal area.
Cid: Damn! What's that?
Vincent: I think the blue streamy thing can get rid of the big round red thing.
Cid: Are we still talking about Meteor? (BUZZ)
Reno: Oh, hi Barret, Cid. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room is all ready for you! (BUZZ, Cid looks annoyed)
Nate: Heh, heh. Okay...Final Fantasy 6!
Reno: (Kefka) HEE HEE HEE! WHOOOO HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!! HA HA HA!!!! HAAAA!!!!
Tifa: (Leo) I should smack you... (BUZZ)
Reno: Hi Edgar, Sabin. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room's all ready for you! (BUZZ)
Nate: Stop that!
Cid: Damn, I thought we'd starve in Kefka's Tower...
Tifa: I know...it's a good thing Mog has a nice, marshmellowy flavor. (BUZZ)
Nate: Xenogears!
Vincent: (Fei) Well, Elly. I think the Xenogears will take us back to Earth now...
Tifa: (Elly) Oh, Fei! I'm so happy!
Vincent: (Fei) Yes, I...that's funny. We're going awfully fast. Uh oh... (BUZZ)
Cid: (Krelian) Then I'll create god with my own hands!
Reno: Hey, Krelian! Now you can! With new Divineto! By the makers of Plato! Make the clay into your own heavenly entity! (BUZZ)
Nate: Final Fantasy Tactics!
Tifa: (Agrias) Whew, we finally defeated then evil Altima.
Reno: (Ramza) I knew we could do it!
Tifa: (Agrias) There's one thing that's bothering me...are you a man or a woman? (BUZZ)
Cid: (Vormav) It's not over yet! I'll use the Pisces stone!
Vincent: (Ramza) And turn into a giant, flopping fish? You couldn't even breathe.
Cid: (Vormav) Oh...um...then I'll use the Libra stone!
Vincent: (Ramza) And what? Turn into a giant balancing scale?
Cid: (Vormav) Dammit! (BUZZ)
Nate: Final Fantasy 8!
Vincent: (Laguna) They did it! They beat her!
Cid: (Ward) YEAH!
Vincent: (Laguna) Oh my God! You're talking!
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Damn, I had you guys going! Using the old "can't talk" routine! Ha ha, and you actually fell for it! You thought I was mute! HA HA HA!!!
Vincent: (Laguna) Well, then you pretty much wasted a lot of your life...
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Ha...huh? (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job! Come back and find out who the winner is! Don't go nowhere!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You ever want to learn about how gangster's do things in your "hood"?
Man: Damn, how'd they off that guy?
Well, now you can find out! It's the new Gangster Pop-Up Book! For anyone from child to senior! Watch in a 3D how gangsters do all that killing!
Man: What's on this page? (Flips page, a knife from the page stabs him in the chest) OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!
Of course you are! That's the book showing just how sly those silly gangsters are!
Another Man: Damn, what a cool gun. How does it work? (A bullet flies up from the page and hits him in the arm) HOLY CRAP!
Ha ha, you said it, pal! It's the Gangster Pop-Up Book! Order today!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
Nate: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. Tonight's winner...Tifa Lockhart! Tifa's the winner! (Tifa, at Nate's desk, waves to everyone and blows kisses to the crowd) So she gets to sit at my desk and be lazy while the rest of us do an Irish Drinking Song! What we need from the audience is one of the worst things that's ever happened to you.
AM: Gotten a game over!
Nate: ...Okay...that's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I'm impressed. (Shrugs) Okay, so it's the Game Over Irish Drinking Song, with supreme Irish jigger Duo Maxwell on the piano. Take it away!
(Irish Drinking Song music starts up)
All: Ohhhhhh, Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Reno: I love electronics!
Nate: Those of any sort!
Cid: It's great to have them for fun!
Vincent: When it's your last resort...
Reno: I used to love them all the time!
Nate: Until I suffered a disgrace...
Cid: I got a game over...
Vincent: So I shot myself in the face!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Nate: I was very upset!
Cid: What would I do?
Vincent: I sat and sulked a lot!
Reno: To video games, I was still glued!
Nate: Suddenly I knew the best way...
Cid: The best way to be!
Vincent: I finally figured it out!
Reno: I'd sit and watch cable TV!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Cid: However, I must still tell...
Vincent: Tell you my great sin!
Reno: I have to tell you...
Nate: Video games are still in!
Cid: I never forgot my game over!
Vincent: I must confess...
Reno: I can still play games and win, though!
Nate: I play one player chess!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Vincent: As you can see, I'm just fine.
Reno: I am very well!
Nate: I play games on and off.
Cid: They are very swell!
Vincent: I can't stop playing video games!
Reno: I can't stop in the least bit!
Nate: Because it's just never tiring...
Cid: To watch Cid say, "!@%^!"
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai! Ohhhh...Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di...da, di, DAIIIIIII!!!!!
Nate: Thanks for watching! We'll catch you next time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?...!
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Well, there's not much more I can say. I hope you enjoyed this. Please review as always, tell me what you think. Am I still going strong with my MSTs? Is Whose Line making a huge comeback in my head? I dunno...Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little collection of stuff. If you want a fic MSTed or just really really want me to do Whose Line again, just tell via reviews or e-mail. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it! Peace out.
~SpamBlade
Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own FF7, Gundam Wing, or Whose Line Is It Anyway?. They belong to Squaresoft, Hat Trick, etc etc. The host, Nate Garrack, belongs to me. Cool, huh?
Note from SpamBlade: I gotta tell ya...after getting more than thirty reviews for my first WLIIA installment, I couldn't resist doing another one. It's just too damn right! However, most of my writing time will be spent on MSTs rather than Whose Line, but I'll try pop one of these in here every now and then. Hope you enjoy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Music plays)
Nate: Good evening everybody, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?!!! On tonight's show...Do I even have a last name? RENO! People like me for my personality, right? TIFA LOCKHART! Water? Where's my damn tea? CID HIGHWIND! And...I'm not wearing any underwear...VINCENT VALENTINE! And I'm your host, Nate Garrack, come on down and let's have some fun!
(Nate sits at the desk)
Nate: Hey there, everybody, and I'm glad you're watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where's everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, just like having a sense of dignity at the Honeybee Inn, the points just don't matter. If you've never seen the show, we have our performers come down here and make up everything right off the top of their heads. I give them fakey points that don't mean a thing, and at the end I choose a winner, who gets to do a little something special with me...
(Audience cheers and woos. Reno pretends to check his makeup and Tifa make kissy faces)
Nate: Yep, and the loser gets to do the special thing that you're all thinking of. So, why don't we get started with a game called...Film, TV, and Theatre Styles. This for Cid and Vincent. They're gonna start out a scene like normal, but every now and then I'll buzz them with different styles of film, TV, and theatre, and I need some suggestions...now.
Audience Member (AM): Gangster film!
AM: Barney!
AM: Horror!
AM: High school play!
AM: Star Trek!
AM: Tragedy!
Nate: Okay, okay, that's good.
AM: Porn!
Nate: I said, THAT'S GOOD! Alright, so, well, I guess you'd like a scene. Okay, Cid and Vincent are two prison inmates who can't stand the torments of prison life anymore and decide to plot an escape. So start like normal, I'll get ya some styles in just a sec.
Cid: What's wrong?
Vincent: I...I...dropped some soap.
Cid: I warned you about that!
Vincent: You said I'd get taken from behind! I thought you meant I'd get mugged!
Cid: Yeah, you got mugged alright...
(BUZZ)
Nate: Off to a very tasteful start, great. Um...high school play!
Vincent: And...so, I don't-do not, want to...(Giggles)
Cid: (Whispers) Cut it out! (Slyly waves to somebody)
Vincent: (Very badly) And we must get out and escape so that we may be free! (Laughs again)
Cid: (Whispers) I said cut it out!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Barney!
Vincent: (Childish) Barney, what's prison like?
Cid: (Barney) Well, let me sing you a song!
We love you!
You love us!
We'll cut your head until it fills with pus!
We're great friendly guys, friendly as a mutt...
Drop your soap and we'll get you in the butt...
Vincent: (Childish) Wow, Barney, that's cool!
Cid: (Barney) It's a great feeling and helps you grow!
(BUZZ)
Nate: I don't like where that's going, so switch over to Star Trek.
Vincent: (Kirk, gasps) We-must-get-out...soon!
Cid: Captain, we can use these toothpicks as a digging device. And...there's a shuttlecraft approaching, Captain.
Vincent: (Kirk) Then...dig-so-we-can...escape!
Cid: Captain, why don't we just beam out instead?
Vincent: (Kirk) That-is-brillant!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Tragedy!
Cid: I'm sorry, man, but that was just a tragic impression.
Vincent: I know, my bad. Why don't we just leave? (Pretends to open cell door)
Cid: It was open the whole time?
Vincent: Yes, but at a very, er...tragic...expense. Many of our soldiers (stifles tears) died trying to open this door for us...it...oh woe is me!
Cid: Hell, I don't care, let's go!
(BUZZ)
Nate: Horror!
Cid: My God...the bars...they're moving around by themselves!
Vincent: Wait! They're spelling something!
Cid: It says...watch out behind you...
Vincent: No! They're saying something else!
Cid: What is it, man?
Vincent: It says...reach for that soap...hmm...
(BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, guys! (They take their seats) Thousand points to both of you. Let's move on to a game called...Scenes from a Hat! I personally love this game. (Everyone steps down, Reno and Tifa go to the left and Vincent and Cid to the right) I'm gonna take out some suggestions for scenes out of this hat, the good ones anyway, and see if these guys can act them out, starting with...confusing epitaphs.
Reno: May he rest in peace...or directly behind you with a knife, huh? (BUZZ)
Tifa: The one thing she would always say is that she hated flowers...(looks at her hands, apparently holding flowers)...oops. (BUZZ)
Nate: Okay...something to say that'll make Tifa and Aeris fight.
Vincent: Wouldn't it be great if Tifa and Aeris got into a fight? (BUZZ)
Reno: Actually girls, Cloud likes me! (BUZZ)
Nate: Whose Line Is It Anyway? outtakes.
Cid: (Nate) Hi, and welcome to Whose Linen Is It...oh, damn... (BUZZ)
Nate: Ha ha...um...how Cid's lungs must feel.
Reno: Good God, I think it's gonna rain tar again today! (BUZZ)
Tifa: (Whiney) Why'd we get so many black tattoos? (BUZZ)
Nate: Odd things to say while using the bathroom.
Cid: Personally, I enjoy the works of Ralph Ellison over Thomas Hardy. (BUZZ)
Vincent: I think I can pass this! I think I can! I almost...oh, poop. (BUZZ)
Tifa: Ah, this atmosphere makes me feel like I'm in sheer piss... (BUZZ) Bliss! (BUZZ) Whiz! (BUZZ) Jizz! (BUZZ)
Nate: Heh, um...what Nate is thinking while watching Whose Line.
Vincent: If only I had pants on, I could get up from this desk... (BUZZ)
Reno: Damn, I'd rather be up in a satellite watching bad movies... (BUZZ)
Tifa: You know, that Tifa is one hot-- (BUZZ) Oh, c'mon! (BUZZ)
Nate: Let's end on...inappropriate prologues to a marriage proposal.
Vincent: And further more, you owe me money for all those movies I took you to, you little bitch! Oh, and will you marry me? (BUZZ)
Cid: And that's when I finally decided to become a man. So, will you marry me? (BUZZ)
Reno: Damn, that girl's stacked! Oh, um...wanna get hitched? (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, lots of points for everyone. Let's move on to Let's Make a Date! Tifa, you're going to appear on a dating type show, but unfortunately you have to choose between these three guys, who have all been allocated a strange trait or quirk. If you can guess what they are, Tifa, then you win. Otherwise, you have to go on a date with Cid. Go on whenever you're ready.
Tifa: Hee hee! Um...Bachelor Numero Uno!
Reno: (AERIS) Oh, it's YOU...
Tifa: If you could be any kind of tree, which would you be?
Reno: Geez, you always ask those stupid questions! No wonder he thinks you're so dull! I'd be a pleasant birch tree, but you'd be a big BITCH TREE!
Tifa: Um...kay! Number two!
Cid: (RESTING ON AN AIRPLANE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF) Ah...this is the life. Hey there.
Tifa: Hi! What's your favorite kind of ice cream?
Cid: (Has his hands behind his head, relaxing) Well, I dunno. I always like vanilla and...huh?(He bumps up and down slightly) Oh, !$^&. I thought I took care of that! I'd better! HOLY !$#@!!!!! (Grips onto his stool) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Tifa: You sound fun! Bachelor Number Three?!
Vincent: (THINKS TIFA HAS A DEADLY, CONTAGIOUS DISEASE) Could you please not face me when you talk? (Covers his nose)
Tifa: Um...that's rude! What's your favorite band?
Vincent: God, I dunno. Just...damn it. (Pretends to spray disinfectant around him) There. I don't care. Just get away from me!
Tifa: Well, fine! Number One!
Reno: What do you want now? You know there's just no contest. I'll win it in the end, bitch! Whore! Busty slut! You just use your boobs for attention!
Tifa: I think we'll be great friends...Number Two?
Cid: AHHHHH!!! Get me down! Call the tower! Just GET ME DOWN!!!!!
Tifa: Okey-dookie! Number Three?
Vincent: What now? Where's the exit? (Covers his face again) Good God, that's hideous! Have you seen anyone about that?
Tifa: (Looks annoyed) Um... (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Why doncha guess who they are?
Tifa: Well, Number One could only be Aeris.
Reno: Yes! (Hi-fives Tifa)
Tifa: Number Two seems to be caught on a car or something.
Nate: Hmm...not quite a car...
Cid: GET ME DOWN! DOWN I SAY! I WANT DOWN! DOWN IS THE DIRECTION THAT I WANT TO GO IN!!!
Tifa: Oh, he's on an airplane!
Nate: Yes!
Tifa: And Number Three's just a real big jerk.
Nate: Ha, a little more specific.
Tifa: Oh...um...you think I'm really ugly! (Vincent makes an X with his fingers and points the X at Tifa) Um...I don't know!
Vincent: Better not sneeze in my general direction...
Tifa: Oh, he thinks I'm germy! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Yes, wonderful! Million billion points for Tifa. We're gonna go to a commercial, but come back for more of Whose Line, right after this!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Man: Dammit! Where's that stupid controller? Dammit!
Well, now you don't need one! Use telepathy! Just insert the remote control microchip into your ear and push it in with a stick. Now you have full control over that pesky TV!
Man: (Concentrates) Wow! It works! But hey, what if the batteries die?
Don't you worry! The Tele-Remote functions and feeds off of your brain waves for power. Only until you're a mindless zombie lacking any brain function will you run out of power!
Man: Cool! Hey...huh?
Try the new Tele-Remote!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
Nate: Hi, and welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. We've got quite a contest going on here...Reno's just shot into a record fourth place. Let's try a game called...Duet! This is for Reno and Tifa. They're going to sing a Duet about somebody in the studio audience with the help of music master Duo Maxwell at the piano. (Nate gets up and selects someone) You!
???: Hi.
Nate: Hi, what's your name?
???: Elena.
Nate: Hi, Elena, what do you do?
Elena: I'm a Turk, I work with Reno. Hey!
Reno: Hi Elena...
Nate: Okay, so Elena, she's a Turk, works with Reno and Shinra, and I'd like you to sing in the style of...hmm...why don't you jam as Metallica? And go, whenever you're ready.
(Heavy metal music plays)
Reno: HEEEEYYYYYY!!!! YEAH! Say your prayers, if you want, if you mind me so blunt, cuz Elena's nearbyyyyyyyy!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmmeeee!!!
Tifa: Watch her with all that blond hair...approach her if you darrrreeeee!!!!
Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight!!!! Take this pink slip! And go! Get out of my sight! TAKE IT BABY! (Pretends to jam on guitar)
Tifa: Yeah! Something's wrong! It ain't right! Because tonight--she's got a big JOOOBBBB!!! She dreams of war, dreams of Tseng! But it'll end with a BAAANNNGGG!!! She forced her way to Shinra Inc., and it made us all blink! Till the Turk Man had to coooommmmeeee!!!
Tifa and Reno: STUPID TURK! Her and her quirks! Enter our blight! Take this pink slip, go, get out of our sight! YEAH!!!! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job, fantastic. (They sit down) You know what, I'm gonna give ten billion points. That's right, ten billion points and I'm givin' 'em to all the readers. Because I love them that much. Thanks guys! (Audience cheers) Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's move on to Mission Impossible! This is for Cid, Vincent, and Reno. Here you go, Reno. (Gives Reno a microphone) Cid and Vincent have a seemingly difficult mission to do, just like Mission Impossible, but let's give 'em something nice and easy to do...like...
AM: Go to bed!
Nate: Go to bed? Can't get much more simple than that. For the sake of our sanity, we'll have you two use different beds.
Vincent: Thank you.
Nate: Heh, yeah. So, take it away.
Cid: I got another tape today. It says we could already be a winner!
Vincent: We'd better play it...(Cid pretends to put in the tape)
Reno: You can live with impotence if you have fun with impotence! First you just--
Cid: Wrong side, sorry. There. Let's try it again.
Reno: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cid and Vincent: Hi.
Reno: How are you?
Cid: Fine, good.
Vincent: My wife left me, I have a bad itch.
Reno: Very good, glad to hear it. I have a very crucial mission for you. As you may be aware, there are one...oh...wait...no, two, yes two, "beds" upstairs.
Cid: That's crazy talk!
Reno: No, I'm quite serious.
Cid: Oh...
Reno: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to approach these "beds" and sleep in them. If you fail to, the U.S. government will be forced to declare war, I can't explain it right now. It won't make sense!
Vincent: Yes, of course!
Reno: Good luck, gentlemen, this tape will explode when BOOM!
Vincent: Ow, damn...
Cid: We gotta fix that tape combustion thing.
Vincent: Right, but first...we need some beds to sleep in! Let's go!
(Mission Impossible music plays)
Cid: My God! We have to get up there to the second floor somehow!
Vincent: Hmm...
Cid: I'll throw a rope up there and use these suction cups to slowly crawl up!
Vincent: Right! And I'll take the stairs!
Cid: Right! (Cid pretends to climb while Vincent pretends to go up some stairs)
Vincent: Took you long enough!
Cid: Shut up, I'm old! Ah...all these rooms...where could the beds be?
Vincent: Leave it to me! I'll do the...bed...whistle call!
Cid: (Genuinely confused) The what?!
Vincent: (Does an odd whistle, Reno does a reply whistle into the mike) See? It's that room!
Cid: Which room?
Vincent: That one! (Runs around some more)
Cid: Look, there they are! Wait! There's several beams around them!
Vincent: What're we gonna do?
Cid: Wait a minute! You ate a whole load of Mexican beans earlier, didn't you?
Vincent: I'm way ahead of you, I'll fart my way over them and deactivate the beams!
Cid: I'll contemplate life while you're doing that. (Thinks)
Vincent: Er...urp...AHHH!!! (Makes a farting sound and hopes around) There, I'm on the bed!
Cid: Good! (Crawls on the ground) There, I'm on the other one!
Vincent: We could've crawled under the beams?
Cid: Sorry, forgot to mention that. We'd better get some sleep! (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Wow, that was really something...huh...Well, ten thousand points to me. I'm saving up for college, you know. Let's move to a game called, Missing Scenes from Video Games. (Everyone gets up and goes to the right) I'm going to name a video game and they have to show me a cut scene that didn't make it to the final version. And...what video games should they be?
AM: Final Fantasy 7!
AM: Final Fantasy 6!
AM: 8!
AM: 9!
Nate: Good lord...
AM: Legend of Dragoon!
AM: Xenogears!
AM: Syphon Filter!
AM: Final Fantasy Tactics!
Nate: That's more than enough. So...show me the missing scene from...why not...Final Fantasy 7.
Reno: (Cloud) Well, I guess we beat Sephiroth.
Tifa: Yep...
Reno: (Cloud) Yep...Aeris is dead.
Tifa: Sure is...
Reno: (Cloud) Wanna have sex?
Tifa: ...Yeah, okay. (BUZZ)
Nate: Yeah, I'm sure that would happen.
Tifa: Not in a million years, Nate.
Nate: Heh, sure...
Cid: What's happening to the Planet?!
Vincent: Looks like the red bulgy thing is crashing into the big metal area.
Cid: Damn! What's that?
Vincent: I think the blue streamy thing can get rid of the big round red thing.
Cid: Are we still talking about Meteor? (BUZZ)
Reno: Oh, hi Barret, Cid. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room is all ready for you! (BUZZ, Cid looks annoyed)
Nate: Heh, heh. Okay...Final Fantasy 6!
Reno: (Kefka) HEE HEE HEE! WHOOOO HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!! HA HA HA!!!! HAAAA!!!!
Tifa: (Leo) I should smack you... (BUZZ)
Reno: Hi Edgar, Sabin. Welcome to the Honeybee Inn! The Group Room's all ready for you! (BUZZ)
Nate: Stop that!
Cid: Damn, I thought we'd starve in Kefka's Tower...
Tifa: I know...it's a good thing Mog has a nice, marshmellowy flavor. (BUZZ)
Nate: Xenogears!
Vincent: (Fei) Well, Elly. I think the Xenogears will take us back to Earth now...
Tifa: (Elly) Oh, Fei! I'm so happy!
Vincent: (Fei) Yes, I...that's funny. We're going awfully fast. Uh oh... (BUZZ)
Cid: (Krelian) Then I'll create god with my own hands!
Reno: Hey, Krelian! Now you can! With new Divineto! By the makers of Plato! Make the clay into your own heavenly entity! (BUZZ)
Nate: Final Fantasy Tactics!
Tifa: (Agrias) Whew, we finally defeated then evil Altima.
Reno: (Ramza) I knew we could do it!
Tifa: (Agrias) There's one thing that's bothering me...are you a man or a woman? (BUZZ)
Cid: (Vormav) It's not over yet! I'll use the Pisces stone!
Vincent: (Ramza) And turn into a giant, flopping fish? You couldn't even breathe.
Cid: (Vormav) Oh...um...then I'll use the Libra stone!
Vincent: (Ramza) And what? Turn into a giant balancing scale?
Cid: (Vormav) Dammit! (BUZZ)
Nate: Final Fantasy 8!
Vincent: (Laguna) They did it! They beat her!
Cid: (Ward) YEAH!
Vincent: (Laguna) Oh my God! You're talking!
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Damn, I had you guys going! Using the old "can't talk" routine! Ha ha, and you actually fell for it! You thought I was mute! HA HA HA!!!
Vincent: (Laguna) Well, then you pretty much wasted a lot of your life...
Cid: (Ward) HA HA HA! Ha...huh? (BUZZ BUZZ)
Nate: Great job! Come back and find out who the winner is! Don't go nowhere!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Man: Damn, how'd they off that guy?
Well, now you can find out! It's the new Gangster Pop-Up Book! For anyone from child to senior! Watch in a 3D how gangsters do all that killing!
Man: What's on this page? (Flips page, a knife from the page stabs him in the chest) OH MY GOD! I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!
Of course you are! That's the book showing just how sly those silly gangsters are!
Another Man: Damn, what a cool gun. How does it work? (A bullet flies up from the page and hits him in the arm) HOLY CRAP!
Ha ha, you said it, pal! It's the Gangster Pop-Up Book! Order today!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
Nate: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?. Tonight's winner...Tifa Lockhart! Tifa's the winner! (Tifa, at Nate's desk, waves to everyone and blows kisses to the crowd) So she gets to sit at my desk and be lazy while the rest of us do an Irish Drinking Song! What we need from the audience is one of the worst things that's ever happened to you.
AM: Gotten a game over!
Nate: ...Okay...that's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I'm impressed. (Shrugs) Okay, so it's the Game Over Irish Drinking Song, with supreme Irish jigger Duo Maxwell on the piano. Take it away!
(Irish Drinking Song music starts up)
All: Ohhhhhh, Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Reno: I love electronics!
Nate: Those of any sort!
Cid: It's great to have them for fun!
Vincent: When it's your last resort...
Reno: I used to love them all the time!
Nate: Until I suffered a disgrace...
Cid: I got a game over...
Vincent: So I shot myself in the face!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Nate: I was very upset!
Cid: What would I do?
Vincent: I sat and sulked a lot!
Reno: To video games, I was still glued!
Nate: Suddenly I knew the best way...
Cid: The best way to be!
Vincent: I finally figured it out!
Reno: I'd sit and watch cable TV!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Cid: However, I must still tell...
Vincent: Tell you my great sin!
Reno: I have to tell you...
Nate: Video games are still in!
Cid: I never forgot my game over!
Vincent: I must confess...
Reno: I can still play games and win, though!
Nate: I play one player chess!
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai!
Vincent: As you can see, I'm just fine.
Reno: I am very well!
Nate: I play games on and off.
Cid: They are very swell!
Vincent: I can't stop playing video games!
Reno: I can't stop in the least bit!
Nate: Because it's just never tiring...
Cid: To watch Cid say, "!@%^!"
All: Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di dai! Ohhhh...Ay di dai di dai di dai di ay di da di...da, di, DAIIIIIII!!!!!
Nate: Thanks for watching! We'll catch you next time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?...!
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Well, there's not much more I can say. I hope you enjoyed this. Please review as always, tell me what you think. Am I still going strong with my MSTs? Is Whose Line making a huge comeback in my head? I dunno...Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little collection of stuff. If you want a fic MSTed or just really really want me to do Whose Line again, just tell via reviews or e-mail. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it! Peace out.
~SpamBlade