Being super cool big shots with vengeance in their hearts and delusions in their minds can be very tiring. After weeks of ass-kicking and hiding from the law (hey they did completely torch the set of "Lusitania," wasting lives and money and now they've been assaulting people in their own homes) so that terrific trio, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane were almost ready to give up. But they didn't- because that goes against the morals that "Titanic" tried to instill in us dammit!!! But finding the addresses of the online critics had been the easy part. Actually it had been the part they didn't do. Their agents did that for them. Isn't being a celebrity fun kids? But they did all the beating and dirty work themselves, following in the example of their heroes Jay and Silent Bob.
Leo: Alright guys, here we are, our last stop. Boston, Massachusetts.
Kate: I don't think I can do it anymore. I'm so tired.
Billy: I need to use the bathroom.
Kate: See, Billy too.
Leo: You can't give up now. Just one more. One more!
Kate: What if they call the cops? We were already on the news.
Billy: Yeah. It's too much.
Leo: I know. I'm tired too, but we can't give up. We've come this far. We are too involved now. We are going to make it. We will survive. No matter how hopeless-
Kate: Who do you think you are? Jack fucking Dawson?
Leo: Yeah, yeah I do.
Billy: Well as long as you don't start going into the St. Crispian's Day speech from "Henry the Fifth."
Kate: Who's next?
Leo: (looks at the paper) Bitchmasterpimp. Lives at this address. (points)
Billy: Bitchmasterpimp?
Kate: Look at this guy. He has the worst taste. He despised "Titanic," but absolutely raved about "Pearl Harbor," "Forces of Nature," and "Good Will Hunting II: Hunting Season."
Billy: Weird…Hey look it's Matt Damon!
Leo: Take a picture!
Kate snaps a picture of Matt Damon. They wave at him.
Matt: (to himself) Who the fuck are those guys?
Kate: We're really big fans.
Matt: Thanks. What are you guys wandering around like this?
Billy: Like what?
Matt: Like the Mod Squad. Look at you crazy fucks.
Leo: We're seeking revenge. We really liked "Good Will Hunting" by the way.
Matt: Yeah. I think it definitely should have won best picture though. I almost never brag, but that I really believe.
Leo, Kate& Billy: (growing very angry) NO IT SHOULD'T HAVE.
Matt: Alright have it your way. That's just my opinion. I can tell where you can find that address though. Right around the corner. Number's right out front. Can't miss it.
Kate: Okay thanks!
Billy: Later then!
Leo: Can we have your autograph Mr. Damon?
Matt: No. Go away.
They run off to see their final victim. Matt doubles over laughing.
Matt: Wait a minute…were they…?
Our heroes skip around the corner and knock on the front door of the last house.
No one opens the door, but a voice is heard from within.
Voice: Who the fuck is it?
Billy: How are you doing today, sir? (stifles his laughter)
Kate: Are you the one who calls himself Pimpmasterbitch-
Leo: (nudges her) It's Bitchmasterpimp.
Kate: Sorry, Bitchmasterpimp on moviepoopscoop.com?
Voice: Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
Leo: Did you say " 'Titanic' is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Worse than 'Battlefield Earth.' (gasps) As are all James Cameron movies without Arnold. A fictional love story on the Titanic is a worse idea than, God forbid, a Jay and Silent Bob movie, but we all know that'll never happen. It was too fucking long, the boat took too fucking long to sink and that was the only good part. If you even can call it that. The plot sucked, the script sucked, (with particular emphasis) and the acting sucked. After two minutes into it I just couldn't take anymore of (again with emphasis) pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio prancing around and he hadn't even been on screen yet. Maybe the 300 year-old Gloria Stuart reminded me of him for some unknown reason. Or maybe it was because I knew his sorry ass would take up the screen later and for most of the movie. Kate Winslet wasn't naked for nearly as much time as she should have been. What else is she good for? What else is any woman good for? And as for James Cameron and new bitch toys Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane, they can go fuck themselves in their own asses and eat their own shit and kiss my hairy ass while they're doing it. I hope their sexual organs freeze and fall off in the icy waters of the North Atlantic.- Bitchmasterpimp 1/23/98"
Voice: Who the fuck are you?!
The door opens. It's Ben Affleck!
Leo, Kate & Billy: BEN AFFLECK???!!!!
Kate gives him a good kick in the balls. Billy and Leo drag him outside and proceed to beat the living shit out of him while Matt, his best friend, watches and laughs. After they beat him into bloody pulp they look down at him in awe.
Billy: Wow, Mr. Affleck. I'd just like to say we're really big fans.
Kate: May we have your autograph please? It would mean so much to us.
Ben: What would you give me for it?
Kate kicks him again.
Billy: Well kids I think it's time to go. Return to our lives as they once were. Our job is done.
Matt: Alright, I'll take over from here.
Leo: (leaning into the house) What's that smell?
Matt: Probably just a dead hooker.
Leo: Silly Affleck.
Matt: I know. (smiles and shakes his head)
Kate: Bye!
Matt cleans up Ben. Leo, Kate & Billy walk off into the sunset.
Kate: Let's go home, boys. See our families and friends. Make other movies. Book talk shows and the like. We absolutely must keep in touch now. I love you guys.
Billy: Yes we are cool. And I do love you. Even you Leo.
Leo: Yeah we love you too Katy.
GROUP HUG!!!!!!!!
Billy: Oh that Affleck!
Leo: Yeah what a guy!
Kate: He's so cool!
Billy: I do feel kind of bad we had to beat the shit out of him.
Leo: Yeah. Tears. Sigh. Whatever. Life goes on.
Kate: Yes it does. We should call Jim and tell we know Matt and Ben.
Billy: But we killed Jim.
Kate: Yeah…
Leo: We got medieval on his ass too.
Billy: I feel a little guilty though.
Leo: Move on. What's done is done.
Kate: Wait a minute guys.
Billy: What?
Kate: I think we're running out of sunset ride off into.
Leo: Do you just want to end the movie here then?
Kate: Okay.
Cut to black.
The end.
Time for saving my own ass just in case: Like I said before. I'm sorry I fucked with the personalities of real people. I don't know them. I have no idea what they're actually like or what their opinions are. I just watch and enjoy their movies. But I do have a feeling none of them are psychotically violent. For the record I actually did like "Forces of Nature" and "Good Will Hunting" and, of course, "Titanic." I haven't seen "Pearl Harbor," but I probably never want to watch "Good Will Hunting II: Hunting Season" or "Titanic II: Lusitania" if they were real movies.
Love, "THE AUTHOR"
Leo: Alright guys, here we are, our last stop. Boston, Massachusetts.
Kate: I don't think I can do it anymore. I'm so tired.
Billy: I need to use the bathroom.
Kate: See, Billy too.
Leo: You can't give up now. Just one more. One more!
Kate: What if they call the cops? We were already on the news.
Billy: Yeah. It's too much.
Leo: I know. I'm tired too, but we can't give up. We've come this far. We are too involved now. We are going to make it. We will survive. No matter how hopeless-
Kate: Who do you think you are? Jack fucking Dawson?
Leo: Yeah, yeah I do.
Billy: Well as long as you don't start going into the St. Crispian's Day speech from "Henry the Fifth."
Kate: Who's next?
Leo: (looks at the paper) Bitchmasterpimp. Lives at this address. (points)
Billy: Bitchmasterpimp?
Kate: Look at this guy. He has the worst taste. He despised "Titanic," but absolutely raved about "Pearl Harbor," "Forces of Nature," and "Good Will Hunting II: Hunting Season."
Billy: Weird…Hey look it's Matt Damon!
Leo: Take a picture!
Kate snaps a picture of Matt Damon. They wave at him.
Matt: (to himself) Who the fuck are those guys?
Kate: We're really big fans.
Matt: Thanks. What are you guys wandering around like this?
Billy: Like what?
Matt: Like the Mod Squad. Look at you crazy fucks.
Leo: We're seeking revenge. We really liked "Good Will Hunting" by the way.
Matt: Yeah. I think it definitely should have won best picture though. I almost never brag, but that I really believe.
Leo, Kate& Billy: (growing very angry) NO IT SHOULD'T HAVE.
Matt: Alright have it your way. That's just my opinion. I can tell where you can find that address though. Right around the corner. Number's right out front. Can't miss it.
Kate: Okay thanks!
Billy: Later then!
Leo: Can we have your autograph Mr. Damon?
Matt: No. Go away.
They run off to see their final victim. Matt doubles over laughing.
Matt: Wait a minute…were they…?
Our heroes skip around the corner and knock on the front door of the last house.
No one opens the door, but a voice is heard from within.
Voice: Who the fuck is it?
Billy: How are you doing today, sir? (stifles his laughter)
Kate: Are you the one who calls himself Pimpmasterbitch-
Leo: (nudges her) It's Bitchmasterpimp.
Kate: Sorry, Bitchmasterpimp on moviepoopscoop.com?
Voice: Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
Leo: Did you say " 'Titanic' is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Worse than 'Battlefield Earth.' (gasps) As are all James Cameron movies without Arnold. A fictional love story on the Titanic is a worse idea than, God forbid, a Jay and Silent Bob movie, but we all know that'll never happen. It was too fucking long, the boat took too fucking long to sink and that was the only good part. If you even can call it that. The plot sucked, the script sucked, (with particular emphasis) and the acting sucked. After two minutes into it I just couldn't take anymore of (again with emphasis) pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio prancing around and he hadn't even been on screen yet. Maybe the 300 year-old Gloria Stuart reminded me of him for some unknown reason. Or maybe it was because I knew his sorry ass would take up the screen later and for most of the movie. Kate Winslet wasn't naked for nearly as much time as she should have been. What else is she good for? What else is any woman good for? And as for James Cameron and new bitch toys Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane, they can go fuck themselves in their own asses and eat their own shit and kiss my hairy ass while they're doing it. I hope their sexual organs freeze and fall off in the icy waters of the North Atlantic.- Bitchmasterpimp 1/23/98"
Voice: Who the fuck are you?!
The door opens. It's Ben Affleck!
Leo, Kate & Billy: BEN AFFLECK???!!!!
Kate gives him a good kick in the balls. Billy and Leo drag him outside and proceed to beat the living shit out of him while Matt, his best friend, watches and laughs. After they beat him into bloody pulp they look down at him in awe.
Billy: Wow, Mr. Affleck. I'd just like to say we're really big fans.
Kate: May we have your autograph please? It would mean so much to us.
Ben: What would you give me for it?
Kate kicks him again.
Billy: Well kids I think it's time to go. Return to our lives as they once were. Our job is done.
Matt: Alright, I'll take over from here.
Leo: (leaning into the house) What's that smell?
Matt: Probably just a dead hooker.
Leo: Silly Affleck.
Matt: I know. (smiles and shakes his head)
Kate: Bye!
Matt cleans up Ben. Leo, Kate & Billy walk off into the sunset.
Kate: Let's go home, boys. See our families and friends. Make other movies. Book talk shows and the like. We absolutely must keep in touch now. I love you guys.
Billy: Yes we are cool. And I do love you. Even you Leo.
Leo: Yeah we love you too Katy.
GROUP HUG!!!!!!!!
Billy: Oh that Affleck!
Leo: Yeah what a guy!
Kate: He's so cool!
Billy: I do feel kind of bad we had to beat the shit out of him.
Leo: Yeah. Tears. Sigh. Whatever. Life goes on.
Kate: Yes it does. We should call Jim and tell we know Matt and Ben.
Billy: But we killed Jim.
Kate: Yeah…
Leo: We got medieval on his ass too.
Billy: I feel a little guilty though.
Leo: Move on. What's done is done.
Kate: Wait a minute guys.
Billy: What?
Kate: I think we're running out of sunset ride off into.
Leo: Do you just want to end the movie here then?
Kate: Okay.
Cut to black.
The end.
Time for saving my own ass just in case: Like I said before. I'm sorry I fucked with the personalities of real people. I don't know them. I have no idea what they're actually like or what their opinions are. I just watch and enjoy their movies. But I do have a feeling none of them are psychotically violent. For the record I actually did like "Forces of Nature" and "Good Will Hunting" and, of course, "Titanic." I haven't seen "Pearl Harbor," but I probably never want to watch "Good Will Hunting II: Hunting Season" or "Titanic II: Lusitania" if they were real movies.
Love, "THE AUTHOR"