Notes: Anyone else (who lives in the states) been watching Digimon reruns on Foxkids lately? Did you see the whole soda vs. pop thing with Cody and Matt? I found it incredibly hilarious. "What're you, like four?" When Matt said that, I just died. Anyone else find it amusing?
Anyway, back to the story. Yeppers, this is chapter eight and up in record time. I am too good…or not. I might mention that I sort of bad mouth hospitals and nurses and such in this part. If you work in a hospital and this offends you, then I'm sorry. I've just had lots of bad experiences there.
Besides that, I'm not entirely sure how to describe this part. Doesn't it have a neat title though? A Vision of Dead Desire? I think it is. Anyway…it's a little sad, a little happy, and a little weird. Has a lot of friendly sap in it though. Guess you'll just have to read it to see. Enjoy. Oh and by the way, at the end of this part is this little ole blue reviewing box. Wonder what that's used for? (hint, hint)
* * * * *
"I think he's waking up. Takeru, go get the nurse. Yamato, come on. Wake up, sweetheart. Can you hear me, Yamato? I said wake up."
I know that voice. "Mom?" But that better not be my voice. My voice doesn't crack like that.
"Yes, sweetheart. It's me." She's crying. I can't see her, but I know that she's crying. "Can you open your eyes?" I probably can, but I don't really want to. Black is a good color. Oh well, at least try for her. "There you go. How do you feel?" I wonder if she realizes that she's talking to me like I'm a two-year-old.
"I'm fine," I tell her. To be truthful, I feel horrible but I'm not going to tell her that. I clear my throat and glance at my surroundings. "Where am I?"
A troubled look crosses her face. "You're in a hospital." Tears glisten in her eyes. "We were in the middle of dinner when all of a sudden Takeru said that something was wrong, that he could feel it. I tried to call, but no one picked up. So he made me drive out to the apartment, and…you were unconscious and bleeding all over." She lets out a loud sob and sinks into the chair next to my bed.
I make a move to put my arms around her. Then realization strikes. "Why can't I move?" I snap my head down to find both my arms and legs strapped to the bed.
"It's hospital policy for all of our suicidal patients to be restrained," a new voice informs me from the door. I look over to see an incredibly large and overly happy nurse enter with Takeru shuffling behind her. "And how are you feeling, Mr…" she pauses to glance at the chart hanging on the edge of my bed, "Ishida?"
"I feel fine," I repeat. "I just don't see why I have to be 'restrained'."
She continues smiling at me, just like a doll. "To make sure that you don't hurt yourself. It's for your own protection, I assure you."
"Hurt myself? If I want to hurt myself, all I have to do is my move my arm a little bit," I say, demonstrating. "It hurts like hell." And it does too. I can feel the still throbbing wound on my wrist rub against the straps, and it doesn't feel pleasant at all.
But her smile doesn't falter. If anything, it gets a little wider. Someone should really tell her that she's trying too hard. "I'll be back shortly with some medication." She then turns on her heel and waddles out the door.
Silence engulfs the room. All three of us stare at each other expectantly, none of us wanting to be the first to speak. With a slight sigh I drop my gaze and start messing around with the restraints, doing my best to ignore the pain it causes.
"Your father couldn't come," my mother says quietly. "He had to work late."
Of course he did. I want to make some sarcastic and possibly degrading comment about the man but refrain. I'm too tired, and it probably won't accomplish anything. Instead I nod slightly and lean my head back against the pillow.
"I'll be back." I glance over in time to see her give my brother a pointed look before leaving the room.
Takeru gazes at me, an unreadable look on his face. "How do you feel?" he asks as he takes a seat in the chair.
"Like an animal," I rasp and glare at the straps for emphasis.
"I know," he says quietly, fingering them. "Mom and I argued with the doctors over them. You're a human being. You shouldn't be strapped down, whether you're suicidal or not." He sighs as he glances at me. "Are you all right?"
"No," I reply honestly.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Okay." And the two of us sit in silence.
After about five minutes Dollface (the nurse) decides to reappear, this time pushing a cart, with Mom in tow. The cart is pushed to my left as she reaches in a bin on the top of it, producing a needle.
"What are you doing?" I try to pull away but can't for obvious reasons. But the nurse ignores me and starts filling the hypo with some sort of liquid. "What is that?" By 'medication' I thought she meant pills or something that can be swallowed, not a shot.
"Thorazine," she tells me. "You need your rest, and it'll help you sleep."
"No, I can sleep just perfectly on my own, with no drugs."
Once again she ignores me. I let out a small hiss when the needle penetrates my skin. I'm about to speak my mind and tell her exactly what I think about her, but almost immediately I'm struck with the intense urge to go to sleep. Within seconds, I'm dead to the world.
* * * * *
"Hey, wake up. Your breakfast is here. Hurry up and eat it before it gets cold."
Can't anyone see that all I want to do is sleep? I don't want to eat any breakfast food from the hospital. Just leave me be.
"Come on. I know you hear me. Save yourself some trouble and just wake up. I don't want to dump this entire thing of water on your head. It'll so mess up your hair."
My hair? My eyelids snap open.
"Knew that'd work. Mornin', Blue Eyes."
I glare at the grin on Daisuke's face before surveying the hospital room. "Where's Mom and Takeru?"
"They were here all night. So one of the nurses suggested that they go get something to eat and shower. But they didn't want to leave you alone so I offered to stay with you, which you should be thanking me for."
"Why?"
"Because if I didn't, some fat nurse with a fake smile would have woken you up instead of me."
I laugh lightly. "Then you have my gratitude." I would have had a heartattack on the spot if Dollface was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I attempt to stretch, only to discover that I am still tied down. "How am I supposed to eat like this?"
Daisuke shrugs. "Simple. I feed you." I widen my eyes a little. "Either I feed you or I call that nurse in here and have her sit on you while I shove it down your throat. Take your pick. Either way, you are eating this stuff."
A sigh finds its way out of my mouth as I give in. I have never in my life felt so helpless as I do right now, and I don't like it at all.
"Okay," he exclaims as he scoops up a piece of the eggs on a spoon. "Now, open up for the train. Chugga chugga, chugga chugga, choo choo."
What the…"Daisuke," I say after swallowing, "if that spoon goes 'choo choo' again, it is going up your nose."
"Oh, you're no fun." He stares at the food tray for a minute before spooning up a bit of the unidentifiable brown blob on it. "So, you feeling okay?"
"Physically or mentally?"
"Both."
He brings the food up to my mouth. It tastes like chalk. "Not so good either way. I'm exhausted. My wrist hurts, my head throbs, and I can't feel my feet." I pause to take a drink of water. "Dai, don't ever try to kill yourself."
Daisuke gives me a sad smile. "You know speaking of suicide, I remember once when I was younger. My mom was dying her hair blond with one of those home coloring things. And I thought it would be so cool to have blond hair too. So I took the left over stuff and put it in my hair with my hands. When I was done, I had platinum blond hair with big auburn patches and my hands were stained."
I laugh, imagining what he'd looked like. "What does that have to do with suicide?"
"Absolutely nothing. But it made you laugh." He stares at me with an unreadable expression. "Want to talk about it?"
"About what?"
"Oh, I don't know. The weather, news, why you want to die…"
I shake my head. "I don't want to die."
"Then why'd you do it?"
"Because I thought I wanted to. But I was wrong. There was this moment right before I blacked out where I realized that I wanted to live. And I realized that I'd made a big mistake." I have to look away from him. The pleading look in his eye is too much for me.
"Why did you think that you wanted to die in the first place?"
"I thought nobody cared about me and it hurt."
He makes a sound in the back of his throat. "People care. Your brother cares. Your mother cares. Gabumon cares. All of the digidestined care. Hell, I care. You are the only person in this world who doesn't treat me like a nuisance, and I appreciate that."
If I could hug him right now, I would. Believe me, I would. But he'll have to settle for a smile, a genuine smile, that is. "Thank you."
Daisuke shrugs weakly before pulling the now empty tray away from me. "No problem. Now go back to sleep. You look like you need it."
"Okay." I do my best to find a comfortable position, but fail miserably. Oh well, this is as good as I'm gonna do. "Night, Dai."
"Sweet dreams, Blue Eyes."
The last thing I hear is him humming a nameless tune under his breath before I fall into a light sleep.
* * * * *
Eventually the restraints were taken off, only to be replaced by a police officer guarding my door. "To keep you from hurting yourself," Dollface had said. (A/N: Believe it or not, they actually do this in some hospitals.) Supposedly when they were 100% positive that I was stable, then he'd leave. I should probably feel special, but I don't. I just feel even worse.
Other than that though, no new changes. It's been two days since I was admitted. Most of the time, I'm alone. Mom's at work, and Dad still hasn't shown his face. After school hours are over, Takeru and Dai come over and keep me company. Yesterday Ken, Koushiro, Jyou, and Hikari tagged along to see how I was. I felt a little better after their visit.
Right now, it's just me and my brother. Daisuke left a little while ago for soccer practice. I hate to admit it but that kid is growing on me. He isn't treating me any differently because of this suicide attempt, which is a pleasant change from everyone else.
A knock brings me out of my thoughts. "Hey, can I come in?" I jerk my head around to see Taichi standing awkwardly at the door.
"Get out, Tai. He doesn't want to talk to you. You've done enough already." There's unmistakable venom in Takeru's voice that makes me a tad bit proud.
But Taichi is unfazed by it. "I would like to talk to Yamato...alone."
"I don't care what you want to do. Why don't you…"
"Hey, squirt," I interrupt. "It's all right. He can talk. I'd sort of like to hear what he has to say."
Takeru gives me a confused look, but doesn't say anything more as he leaves the hospital room. He does, however, stop at the doorway to give Tai the most intimidating look I have ever seen.
"I'm sorry," I say before he can speak. I might as well get this over with. "What I did the other day in the hall was really stupid, and I apologize."
He groans and rolls his eyes. "Don't be sorry. I mean, it hurt and all. But it made me realize what a jerk I was being to you."
"You had every right to be a jerk. I am completely disgusting and…"
"You are not disgusting, Yama. You never have been. You never will be," Taichi tells me as he takes a seat in the chair where Takeru was moments before. "I just…it's not every day that your best friend, who also happens to be of the same sex, kisses you and confesses his love."
"I'm sorry," I start again.
"Stop apologizing. You have no reason to. Besides, I'm not done yet." He laughs weakly before continuing. "After I left, I went home and told Kari about it. And she said that she knew that you liked me, that it was a well-known fact. Everyone saw it. Everyone except me. And I felt stupid. Before I thought you liked Sora, and I felt stupid because I didn't see it. And now I feel 100 times stupider."
"Taichi…"
"Let me finish. I won't lie to you. It bothers me. And I'm disgusted at myself because it bothers me. But I'll get over it because you're my best friend. As long as you understand that I'm straight and with Sora."
"I understand that," I tell him truthfully. "I know that you're straight. I always have. That's why I never told you before. But you were going on about how it was all right to like Sora, and you wouldn't listen to me. I just had to shut you up somehow."
"God I'm dense, aren't I?"
"Yeah, you are."
Tai sighs and looks down at my bandaged wrist. "You did that because of me, didn't you?"
"No. You were just sort of the last straw. After all, you're not my whole life," I joke lightly.
"You gonna be okay?"
It's my turn to sigh. "I think so. It still hurts. Maybe now it'll be a lot easier to get over you."
"What, you mean I'm that replaceable?"
I giggle quietly. "No, it's just that…that kiss…wasn't that good."
He looks plainly offended. "That was just because I didn't respond. I was too shocked, you know. But if I'd kissed back it would have been a lot better. Maybe even the best you'll ever have."
"That's not what I mean, you egomaniac." My eyes roll. "I meant that…well, it wasn't what I expected. There weren't any fireworks. Whether or not you respond, aren't there supposed to be fireworks or sparks or something?"
"Ohh, I get it. I'm not the one, huh?"
"Yeah. Either that or you're just that bad of a kisser."
"Hey!" Tai smacks me playfully. "So does this mean we're still friends?"
I grin at him. "The best."
He stares at me intently for a second. "I'm sorry, Yama."
"For what?"
"Everything." He gives me a melancholy smile before holding out his arms. "C'mere."
I push myself closer to him as he encloses me in a hug. My head leans on his shoulder as I take a deep breath. We're still friends, the way we should be.
And all that's left is just a vision of a dead desire.