Notes: Well, this is the second to last chapter and one of my favorites, I might add. Not sure why though, I think I just like the way it flows. Anyway, that's about all I have to say. Enjoy.
* * * * *
Because I think I'm falling in love with you.
Even now, the words echo in my head. Every time my thoughts wander from whatever is happening around me, they find their way to those words and exactly what they mean. Every time I close my eyes I can still see Daisuke's face as he said them, his soft brown eyes pleading for something that I can't grasp.
Two days. Two days since he said it. That's two days since I could actually think straight.
Now I've analyzed every single syllable over a hundred times. I told myself then that I was trying to justify his confession, but what I was actually trying to do was disprove it.
My first thought was that he was confused. After all he said that he thinks he's in love with me, meaning that he isn't sure. So that could mean that all this is is his first crush (and possibly last) on a person of the same gender and he's making assumptions about it. I'd voiced this thought to my brother, who managed to actually guess what happened between the two of us, but he merely rolled his eyes.
"Oh please…he said that because he was afraid that you might reject him. Then later, if you told him you hated him, he could just brush it off and say that he was wrong and that he wasn't falling for you. Then he might salvage your friendship. You've been watching too many child psych. shows on TV. I mean, seriously, would do all this for just a crush?"
And of course, this made sense. Yet I wasn't convinced. So I compared Daisuke to myself. I considered everything that he's done for me, put myself in his position, and put Jyou, my crush from years and years ago, in my position. Would I have translated a French magazine for him?
And the thing is…no, I probably wouldn't have.
But what about Tai? Would you do it for him?
In a second.
And then I realized that this was serious and that I needed to talk to him.
So yesterday I called his house. Jun answered, and I hardly got a word in before she started talking about making dinner reservations for the two of us. I considered informing her of the situation between me and Daisuke but thought better of it. He might not like that. Plus I would much rather see her face when I do.
After listening to her go on for ten minutes about how we need to 'discuss our relationship' I finally interrupted and asked where her brother was. She said he was out with a friend and then I promptly hung up.
I had meant to make another attempt at getting a hold of Dai today, but then a nurse came in claiming that I wasn't getting enough rest and bearing sedatives. At first I was sure that she was Dollface's twin sister because she bore such a striking resemblance to her. But when she'd glanced at me and announced, "You again!" I realized that she was Dollface. She had just gotten a hair cut, color, and perm. Now that I think about it, she looked like a drag queen I saw on TV once.
Anyway, I still don't think I'm entirely sober. I still feel like I could pass out at any second, and I'm pretty sure that tiger in the corner isn't supposed to be there.
The hospital…I was wrong. It's not any better than before. It's worse. Now not only do I have various doctors and shrinks visiting but I have social workers coming in and asking me about my dad. And I just don't want to talk about him.
Then of course it's been two days since I've seen Daisuke. Two days since I've heard the name 'Blue Eyes'. Two days since we've snuggled up on the hospital bed.
"Takeru?"
My brother turns towards me. "Hmm?"
"If you see Daisuke, tell him that I want to talk to him. No, tell him that I need to talk to him. And that I miss him."
He bites his lip in an attempt to prevent his smile from showing. It fails miserably. "I'll do that." There's a pause as he starts to chew on his nail. "You're going to go for it, aren't you? You're going to move in on him, so to speak."
I close my eyes and briefly consider it before answering truthfully. "Maybe. I'm not sure. It depends."
"On what?"
"On whether or not I still think he wants to be with me."
"Oh I'm pretty sure that he does." Eyes roll. "And then what if he does?"
"Then I think you will have probably won yourself a bet against a certain Yagami."
I plug my ears just as Takeru lets out another round of high-pitched squeals.
* * * * *
"You're not listening to a word I say, are you?"
"Of course I am." A harmless lie never hurt anyone. "You failed your geometry test, and now you have to have Koushiro tutor you."
Taichi nods. "Yeah, and I told you that nearly twenty minutes ago. What have I been talking about since then?"
"Um…soccer?" He always talks about soccer. It's his world.
"Yeah, actually I was. Sorry, I guess you were listening." He shrugs his shoulders and gives me an apologetic look.
Score one for Ishida. I glance over at my brother, who has barely said a single thing since Tai's gotten here, notice the 'God, you're an idiot' look clearly written on his face, and smile.
"Um…Speaking of soccer, how's Daisuke?"
Tai cocks his head to the side. "He's all right, I guess. He's sort of gotten a little depressed lately, but…"
"Daisuke asks about you all the time," Takeru claims, staring intently at his shoe.
"Yeah, he does. I barely even tell him 'hi' before it's 'How is Yamato? Is his arm any better? Is he eating all right? Is he handling it all well?'" He shrugs again. "He's just worried about you, I suppose. We all are."
I nod slightly and start to pick at my bandages. It's becoming a habit, messing with my arm.
"Yama? I know that you don't want to talk about your dad, but I honestly think that it'll help."
"No, Tai, I really don't think that it will."
"But…"
"I don't want to talk about it now, Taichi, so please stop pushing it."
He proceeds to hmph and cross his arms with a pout. "One question, Yama. Answer me one question. Why didn't you tell anyone?"
I scoff at him. "Because I didn't want anyone to know." I mean, seriously Tai, isn't that obvious? You don't want anyone to know, you don't tell.
"Yes, but why?"
"Why? You want to know why I wouldn't tell?" I laugh insanely for a second or two. Because somehow, at this very moment, it all seems extremely humorous. "I don't want it out in the open. And then I'd look weak and people would pity me and then I'd probably get sent off to a nut house because everyone would start to question my emotional stability. And I don't want that."
Takeru gives me a gentle look and lays a hand on my wrist, tracing the now gray bruises. "No one would have sent you to a mental institution."
I exhale loudly and shake away his touch. "No, but they'll still feel sorry for me. And when I go back to school, all of the kids will know. And they'll walk by me with this sad expression, and they'll think 'There's the guy who let his dad beat him'."
But Taichi merely continues to glare at me, and I can now see his teeth grinding together in his mouth. "So what? A little pity never hurt anyone, Yama. However, your father did."
"You don't understand."
"Then help me understand."
I groan softly and wipe the tears from my cheeks before holding my damp fingers out for them both to see. "Do you see this? Not even a month ago, I didn't do this. I didn't let myself cry like this. Hell, a month ago I never cried. And now it's all I ever seem to do."
"But that's good." My brother grabs my hand, preventing me from wiping away the rest of the salty liquid. "It gets your emotions out. Crying is a very, very good thing."
"I don't care if it's a good thing; I don't like it. I liked to pretend that everything was all right, and I liked the fact that no one knew otherwise. But I can't do that anymore because everyone knows that it's not all right. And now I'm in the open with nothing to hide behind, I'm hurt, I'm vulnerable, and I hate it."
There's a small pause before Tai snickers quietly. "Way to be in touch with your feelings, Ishida."
"Shut up." I sniff and finish wiping my eyes. "Now I have a question. What am I supposed to do when I get out of this hellhole?"
"You're going to live with us," Takeru says, leaning his elbow against my bed. "Mom's got custody of you temporarily, but she's going to push for permanent. Dad's in a whole lot of legal shit right now anyway, so it shouldn't be hard." He pauses and gives me a smile. "We're gonna get him, Yamato. No one hurts my big brother and gets away with it, not even my own father."
Tai laughs suddenly, causing both of us to jump and stare at him. "Oh, he's definitely not getting away with it. I'm sure you gave him a pretty good scare the other day, Take."
"How the hell did you know about that?"
"Hikari told me. I have to admit that I'm impressed."
"What did you do, squirt?" I ask with a curious look on my face.
He feigns innocence. "Oh, nothing. Just reminded him how sharp some kitchen knives are."
I frown and look to Taichi for clarification.
He smirks. "I believe that our dear Takeru is saying that he held a kitchen knife to his throat."
I blink stupidly at my brother and try to picture him doing that to my father. Somehow I'm not surprised when I can't.
* * * * *
I swear that some of the shows on television never cease to amaze (and sometimes frighten) me, like this one for example. When I was flipping through the channels, looking for something interesting, and I saw this I was struck with a memory of my mother interrupting my cartoons specifically so that she could watch this particular show.
And that memory intrigued me, so I started to watch. And quickly realized that this is meant for a female audience, and yet somehow that doesn't stop my enjoying it.
"I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child," the woman on screen claims with a bright smile. "It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled 'I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There'."
I laugh along with the studio audience or whatever they're called as she starts her song. "Oh what the hell is…"
Television is my best friend these days. I never realized just how long the day is when I'm not in school. And now since I'm not knocked out the whole day, I actually have to suffer through it all, waiting patiently for someone to get through with their after school activities and come and keep me company.
"Okay now where was I? Oh yes, where Hans first spots the hair." The piano on TV starts again.
"Yamato, what on earth are you watching?"
I start and make a sound that frighteningly resembles an 'eep', grabbing a hold of the bed rail to prevent myself from falling. All too late I realize that it's my injured arm that I used and moan in pain.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you all right?"
I nod a little and glance up from my throbbing arm. "Dai?"
"Yeah, it's me." He gives me an obviously fake smile. "How ya doing, Yamato?"
"Blue Eyes," I say as I cradle my arm. "You always call me Blue Eyes, not Yamato." I'd be lying if I said that him calling me by my actually name does hurt. It does. It hurts a lot.
"Right. Blue Eyes." Daisuke saunters over to the hospital bed and stands next to me. "So your brother said that you want to talk to me."
"Yes, I do." I scoot over a bit so that he can sit in the bed with me like he used to. He grins brightly at me before obliging. A hesitant arm finds its way around my shoulders and I lean into the embrace.
"So how are you doing?"
"I'm all right. A little tired and seriously bored, but other than that I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" He slides closer, just a little though. I hardly even notice it.
"Yeah, I'm sure." My head leans back against his arm.
"Hm." We sit in silence for a long while, both of us gazing blankly at the sheets. And just when I think I can hardly stand it, he pulls away from me. "I'm sorry…about the other day. I didn't mean to say that. I was exhausted and kind of irked, and I'm sorry that I said what I said. I just…"
"Did you mean it?" My voice is almost inaudible, and for a second I'm not sure that he heard it.
But then his eyes meet mine. "Yes, I meant every word." Then he drops his gaze again and starts to get up. "I'm sorry. I know you're not…like that, and I'm sure that you want nothing to do with me right now, so I'm just going to go."
In a quick motion I grab his hand and force him back onto the bed. "Well that shows how well you know me," I snicker sarcastically before leaning against him once again. "You got everything wrong. I don't want you to go. I want something to do with you. And I am 'like that' as you so wonderfully put it. Now get all the information before you go putting words in my mouth."
I all but burst into giggles at Daisuke's shocked expression. "You're gay?" His voice cracks on the last word and I can't hold back an amused sound.
"Yes, I'm gay. And I can assume that you are, right? Or are you just messing with me head?"
"No, I'm gay," he squeaks. "Oh no…you're with Taichi, aren't you?"
My jaw drops open and I struggle to pick it up off of the floor. "Tai? No! What in the world makes you think that?" He thinks that I'm dating Tai?
"I don't know. You two are so close, and you're always together, and then I had this dream…" He trails off, shaking his head.
"You had a dream. What was it about?" Okay, so I'm curious. So shoot me.
Dai sighs loudly, flopping back into my pillow. "I dreamt that you and I were at a lake somewhere, but I wasn't me. I was Taichi. And then you told me that you loved me…or Tai actually. And I said that I loved you, but I called you 'Blue Eyes'. You pushed me away, and I woke up. I just thought that maybe…I don't know."
I stare at him in amazement. That's my dream. He just described my dream.
But he just continues on, almost as if forgetting about me being here. "Then a night or so later, I had another one. It was the same, except this time I called you 'Yama' like Taichi would have done, and you seemed happy with that. But I wasn't. And…"
I interrupt, finishing the dream for him. "So you pulled away and told me that you couldn't do it. You're sorry but you can't. 'Not like this'. And you woke up."
Now it's his turn to stare at me. "How did you know that?"
"Because it was my dream too. They both were. I had the same dreams that you did." This is fate. If it's not, then I don't know what it is. "But I'm not dating Taichi, although I wanted to for a very long time. But we're past that now. And we're just friends. That's all we'll ever be."
I lay my head on the pillow next to his, our faces merely inches apart. I can feel his breath. Hell, I can taste it. And if I just moved a little closer, just a little closer, I could really taste him. But I don't. Instead I gesture towards my bandaged arm.
"We were talking about you, my father and I, when he did this. When he came home that one time that one time, when I jumped away from you, he saw us. And he got a few interesting ideas about the two of us. He called some colorful names, queer, pansy, faggot, and the like. Then he pushed me into the TV when I admitted it."
There is a sigh as Daisuke rolls his eyes exasperatingly. "Your father is an asshole. I mean, the way I see it…the only faggots and queers and such in this world are closed-minded people like him. And they are going to live short, bitter, and horrible lives. And people like you and me and everyone who can accept us are going to live long, happy, and prosperous ones."
I smile, suddenly feeling light-headed. "Thanks, Dai."
"No problem, Blue Eyes. Speaking of which, your eyes are sparkling again." He returns the smile and reaches over to tenderly brush a piece of hair behind my ear. "You're beautiful. You know that?"
I groan inwardly. "No, I'm not. I'm ugly and weak and broken and…"
"No," he breathes, leaning until his forehead is resting on mine. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
I'm blushing crimson right now. I just know it. And knowing that makes me blush even more. No one has ever called me beautiful before, not once, although I can't say that I don't enjoy it. "You're not so bad yourself." I should say more. I could go on about him and his looks, about his chocolate brown eyes or how disgustingly cute he looks in his goggles. Yet somehow I can't find the breath to say it.
"Hey Blue Eyes, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest. I want to be with you. I want to be able to call you mine. So can we try, you and me? Can we try and see where we go?" His eyes are hopeful, and I think he already knows my answer.
"Of course we can, Dai. Of course we can." With a smile, I lean a little bit closer so that our noses are touching. "Can I kiss you?"
Daisuke doesn't respond but merely tilts his head slightly and pushes our lips together.
And it's nothing like I imagined. There are no sparks, no fireworks, no explosions, or blasts of light. No, it's better than that. The biggest, most expensive fireworks display doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Wave after wave of some powerful emotion sweeps through my body as our tongues entwine, both starting and ending in my heart. It's indescribable. Such life, such beauty, such…
Intensity.
