Author's Note: this story is dedicated to a special friend. I don't think they even know who they are, but maybe they do.
Title: There was a time I chased after you
Series: Gundam Wing
Author: Snow Tigra
Rating: PG
Pairing: 1x2
Warnings: Relena's POV, not what you might expect though
Spoilers: none
Archive: Fanfiction.net
There was a time I chased after you. You, the one I'd seen fall from the sky just before my whole world exploded. Before my eyes I saw the world around me explode into chaos, on my birthday of all days. I didn't even know who you were then, and on that day you were only a glint of light in the sky with no name, I didn't even know you were human, but you were still there. A star falling from the heavens full of such mystery and such wonder that it gave me hope, a small amount of hope to grasp onto as everything around me shattered into nothing.
I met you on that beach and you hid from me, still retaining your mysterious values, and maybe that's why I continued to chase you. I think that maybe, just maybe, part of me wanted to be the one to bring your mysteries to light, if only for a second. I'd seen your face but faces mean nothing, no matter how lovely or how ugly they are. Faces never show the person inside. They are merely masks we all wear to please or displease the world around us as we see fit.
I chased after you after that. While the world around me fell to pieces I clung to your mystery, determined to solve it and discover who you were. I think… no, I know you were the thing that kept me alive those days. When OZ took over and everything seemed like too much all I had to do was envision you, your strength, and I was able to gain my own.
Yes, I used you in that manner. I didn't have much of a choice. When one has their normal life ripped away and is presented with another so full of responsibility they tend to latch on to someone and use that person as a support. That's what you were to me. You were my support in this hectic world, the one constant thing. An eternal soldier who would keep fighting until the day he died, no matter what. And if you could keep fighting… so could I.
I admit I acted like a child. I threw away family money just to catch a glimpse of you when you hopped from boarding school to boarding school. I know I endangered your missions by drawing attention to you just because I wanted to be near you. It was foolish of me, and for that I'm sorry.
But I wonder, do you realize how much I needed you in those times? As strange as it seems your stubbornness made me stubborn. I'd been spoiled my entire life, my father always gave me everything I wanted and I was always happy. But you came and fell from the sky. You crashed into my life and broke that rule. Here was something I couldn't have, you. You refused me at every turn, no matter how persistent I was. And I know I was persistent.
But your stubbornness taught me to be stubborn. From you I learned the people can't always ask and expect it to be given to them. They must act and they must keep acting until they have achieved what they want. Stubbornness is an asset and a character trait not to be taken lightly. It is a value and worth so much, if turned toward the right goals.
And now that there is peace in the world, peace that we all helped create, I feel truly happy. No, I mean it. This peace was won by those who were stubborn, those who refused to give up even when all hope disappeared and there wasn't even a shooting star on the horizon. This peace is something that we all helped to achieve and our stubbornness made it work. And this peace makes me more happy then any gift I have ever received from anyone.
I can glance out my window now and look down upon the streets full of people and actually smile.
But I'm not smiling.
No, tonight tears are falling down my face. This is nothing new, its been happening since the day I met you. Do you know that? Yes, this is the real me, not the strong independent woman you see in the media, speaking of pacifism and peace, speaking to create a better world. I'm not even eighteen yet! I'm not even grown up and look at me! The leader of a great and powerful nation? That is such a laugh.
I can stand on that podium and say great words, but in the end I will always walk back to my room and close the door on the world. In my room is the only place where I am truly myself. In my room I find myself alone, alone with myself.
Alone with the truth.
The truth is I am still just a young girl who's had an impossible weight placed on her shoulders. Everyday I am afraid that I will stumble and drop what I have been entrusted to hold up. I almost did just that when Marimeia tried to take over. I am eternally afraid of doing it again.
But there is also something else. Something else I have learned about you and myself. I've learned that stubbornness doesn't get you everything.
I've persisted, even after the wars are over, to chase after you. Originally I did it by myself, and now? Now I've dropped to such lows that I hire others to follow you. Nameless shadows with their cameras and video recorders, watching many of your movements until you lose them and I have to hunt you down again. I'm still chasing you, and I know you know it. But I can't stop.
I've seen you with him and I want to be angry. I see that happy boy with the long braid following your every movement, walking hand in hand with you to do such mundane things as grocery shopping. You even sleep in the same bed.
I should be mad at him- no; I want to be mad at him. I've tried to be mad at him, tried so hard. But I can't. Every time I try to make my anger rise up all I can see is the smile he's placed on your face. The smile I never accomplished to find in you.
No, I've tried to be angry at him, but I can't.
Instead, every time I see you two together I want to curl up and cry.
It's not that I'm sad really. Not in the least. I'm happy you're smiling and I'm happy that smile of yours is finally showing through, lighting up your face and your beautiful eyes. I'm happy to see you act so normal now that you aren't needed as a soldier. But at the same time it's killing me. It's killing me because I know he's making you happy… because I know I never will.
You would never be that happy with me, and that's what hurts so much.
It's so obvious that you two love each other. The way you touch, the way you kiss, the way you gaze into each other's eyes. It's something that I've experienced one sided for you but I don't think you ever noticed. I think you just thought I was annoying. And yeah, you were probably right.
You've disappeared again from my attempts to follow you, as you always do. I'm not surprised though, this is nothing new. No, instead I'm considering something very painful for me. I'm actually considering ordering my men to stop looking for you.
The last time I saw you two together, sitting in a café talking. You leaned over the table and grasped his hands, pulling his lips to yours… I was actually there in person that time though I don't think you knew that. You looked so happy and I couldn't bear to watch. I raced away, fleeing to my private plane and heading back to earth, to my room. I couldn't stand to see him making you so happy when all I did was annoy you.
I don't think I can see that again.
So I'm throwing this info away. I'm tossing out the list of places where you check into, things that are your favorites. I'm throwing away the list of coffee shops you like on all the colonies, places you've been and probably will go. I'm tossing out the endless list of phone numbers and addresses to people you've spoken with. I'm deleting everything about you from my harddrive, erasing it completely.
I'm calling my men and ordering them to stop following you. In fact I'm ordering them to not even mention if they see you unless it concerns me in an important matter rather than just mere obsession.
And finally… I only have one thing left.
You remember it don't you? The small little teddy bear you left on the plane for me, when I tore up your letter. You never did explain why you left it there, and I'll probably never know. Yeah, I'm getting rid of it too. I'm placing it in the drop box at the local shelter; it'll make some poor war orphan happy, I know you'll like that.
I'm erasing you from what I have. Not because I'm angry, not because I'm sad. Merely I am just finally letting you go. I need to. I have to. I have to let you go and move on, no matter how hard that may be for me.
I sound like I'm talking about someone who's dead. I know you're still alive and I know you're happy out there, whatever colony or planet you may be on. You're happy and I need to be happy to. I need to find a bit of happiness in this world that doesn't involve you, for both our sakes. I need to let go.
Still, despite all these brave words and thoughts there is one place I can never erase you from. My heart. My heart is and will always be yours, Heero Yuy. Even if you never accept it.
And as long as you're happy, no matter what life you choose in this world. I guess I can be happy too, even if I'm not responsible for your happiness. It's just enough to know that finally you are smiling.
There was a time I chased after you…
That time has come to an end.
Title: There was a time I chased after you
Series: Gundam Wing
Author: Snow Tigra
Rating: PG
Pairing: 1x2
Warnings: Relena's POV, not what you might expect though
Spoilers: none
Archive: Fanfiction.net
There was a time I chased after you. You, the one I'd seen fall from the sky just before my whole world exploded. Before my eyes I saw the world around me explode into chaos, on my birthday of all days. I didn't even know who you were then, and on that day you were only a glint of light in the sky with no name, I didn't even know you were human, but you were still there. A star falling from the heavens full of such mystery and such wonder that it gave me hope, a small amount of hope to grasp onto as everything around me shattered into nothing.
I met you on that beach and you hid from me, still retaining your mysterious values, and maybe that's why I continued to chase you. I think that maybe, just maybe, part of me wanted to be the one to bring your mysteries to light, if only for a second. I'd seen your face but faces mean nothing, no matter how lovely or how ugly they are. Faces never show the person inside. They are merely masks we all wear to please or displease the world around us as we see fit.
I chased after you after that. While the world around me fell to pieces I clung to your mystery, determined to solve it and discover who you were. I think… no, I know you were the thing that kept me alive those days. When OZ took over and everything seemed like too much all I had to do was envision you, your strength, and I was able to gain my own.
Yes, I used you in that manner. I didn't have much of a choice. When one has their normal life ripped away and is presented with another so full of responsibility they tend to latch on to someone and use that person as a support. That's what you were to me. You were my support in this hectic world, the one constant thing. An eternal soldier who would keep fighting until the day he died, no matter what. And if you could keep fighting… so could I.
I admit I acted like a child. I threw away family money just to catch a glimpse of you when you hopped from boarding school to boarding school. I know I endangered your missions by drawing attention to you just because I wanted to be near you. It was foolish of me, and for that I'm sorry.
But I wonder, do you realize how much I needed you in those times? As strange as it seems your stubbornness made me stubborn. I'd been spoiled my entire life, my father always gave me everything I wanted and I was always happy. But you came and fell from the sky. You crashed into my life and broke that rule. Here was something I couldn't have, you. You refused me at every turn, no matter how persistent I was. And I know I was persistent.
But your stubbornness taught me to be stubborn. From you I learned the people can't always ask and expect it to be given to them. They must act and they must keep acting until they have achieved what they want. Stubbornness is an asset and a character trait not to be taken lightly. It is a value and worth so much, if turned toward the right goals.
And now that there is peace in the world, peace that we all helped create, I feel truly happy. No, I mean it. This peace was won by those who were stubborn, those who refused to give up even when all hope disappeared and there wasn't even a shooting star on the horizon. This peace is something that we all helped to achieve and our stubbornness made it work. And this peace makes me more happy then any gift I have ever received from anyone.
I can glance out my window now and look down upon the streets full of people and actually smile.
But I'm not smiling.
No, tonight tears are falling down my face. This is nothing new, its been happening since the day I met you. Do you know that? Yes, this is the real me, not the strong independent woman you see in the media, speaking of pacifism and peace, speaking to create a better world. I'm not even eighteen yet! I'm not even grown up and look at me! The leader of a great and powerful nation? That is such a laugh.
I can stand on that podium and say great words, but in the end I will always walk back to my room and close the door on the world. In my room is the only place where I am truly myself. In my room I find myself alone, alone with myself.
Alone with the truth.
The truth is I am still just a young girl who's had an impossible weight placed on her shoulders. Everyday I am afraid that I will stumble and drop what I have been entrusted to hold up. I almost did just that when Marimeia tried to take over. I am eternally afraid of doing it again.
But there is also something else. Something else I have learned about you and myself. I've learned that stubbornness doesn't get you everything.
I've persisted, even after the wars are over, to chase after you. Originally I did it by myself, and now? Now I've dropped to such lows that I hire others to follow you. Nameless shadows with their cameras and video recorders, watching many of your movements until you lose them and I have to hunt you down again. I'm still chasing you, and I know you know it. But I can't stop.
I've seen you with him and I want to be angry. I see that happy boy with the long braid following your every movement, walking hand in hand with you to do such mundane things as grocery shopping. You even sleep in the same bed.
I should be mad at him- no; I want to be mad at him. I've tried to be mad at him, tried so hard. But I can't. Every time I try to make my anger rise up all I can see is the smile he's placed on your face. The smile I never accomplished to find in you.
No, I've tried to be angry at him, but I can't.
Instead, every time I see you two together I want to curl up and cry.
It's not that I'm sad really. Not in the least. I'm happy you're smiling and I'm happy that smile of yours is finally showing through, lighting up your face and your beautiful eyes. I'm happy to see you act so normal now that you aren't needed as a soldier. But at the same time it's killing me. It's killing me because I know he's making you happy… because I know I never will.
You would never be that happy with me, and that's what hurts so much.
It's so obvious that you two love each other. The way you touch, the way you kiss, the way you gaze into each other's eyes. It's something that I've experienced one sided for you but I don't think you ever noticed. I think you just thought I was annoying. And yeah, you were probably right.
You've disappeared again from my attempts to follow you, as you always do. I'm not surprised though, this is nothing new. No, instead I'm considering something very painful for me. I'm actually considering ordering my men to stop looking for you.
The last time I saw you two together, sitting in a café talking. You leaned over the table and grasped his hands, pulling his lips to yours… I was actually there in person that time though I don't think you knew that. You looked so happy and I couldn't bear to watch. I raced away, fleeing to my private plane and heading back to earth, to my room. I couldn't stand to see him making you so happy when all I did was annoy you.
I don't think I can see that again.
So I'm throwing this info away. I'm tossing out the list of places where you check into, things that are your favorites. I'm throwing away the list of coffee shops you like on all the colonies, places you've been and probably will go. I'm tossing out the endless list of phone numbers and addresses to people you've spoken with. I'm deleting everything about you from my harddrive, erasing it completely.
I'm calling my men and ordering them to stop following you. In fact I'm ordering them to not even mention if they see you unless it concerns me in an important matter rather than just mere obsession.
And finally… I only have one thing left.
You remember it don't you? The small little teddy bear you left on the plane for me, when I tore up your letter. You never did explain why you left it there, and I'll probably never know. Yeah, I'm getting rid of it too. I'm placing it in the drop box at the local shelter; it'll make some poor war orphan happy, I know you'll like that.
I'm erasing you from what I have. Not because I'm angry, not because I'm sad. Merely I am just finally letting you go. I need to. I have to. I have to let you go and move on, no matter how hard that may be for me.
I sound like I'm talking about someone who's dead. I know you're still alive and I know you're happy out there, whatever colony or planet you may be on. You're happy and I need to be happy to. I need to find a bit of happiness in this world that doesn't involve you, for both our sakes. I need to let go.
Still, despite all these brave words and thoughts there is one place I can never erase you from. My heart. My heart is and will always be yours, Heero Yuy. Even if you never accept it.
And as long as you're happy, no matter what life you choose in this world. I guess I can be happy too, even if I'm not responsible for your happiness. It's just enough to know that finally you are smiling.
There was a time I chased after you…
That time has come to an end.