The Night Remembers - Part 7
By Jill
Angel, of course, was completely oblivious to the things the two women had
been talking about, while he walked beside Buffy the next night. But he
sensed the change in her, realized she wasn't looking at him all the time,
never forced on him to talk. He didn't know what had caused it, but he was
grateful.
The tension was growing inside of him daily and he wasn't sure how he would
be able to get through the following days and probably weeks, without going
insane.
They had missed patrol the night before, due to one of Cordelia's visions
and an emergency which required the ensouled vampire back in L.A. So they
hadn't seen each other for 48 hours and although Angel had been glad to
leave Sunnydale for one night, it hadn't really changed anything. On the
contrary, the tension was even worse, along with the anticipation to see her
that grew. He was torn between running away and rushing to her side and it
was literally starting to rip him apart.
Not to forget, that he wanted her more than ever. He had loved her all the
time. He had never tried to deny it. But while he was in L.A., apart from
her, he had been able to function, to move on with his life. To help people
was satisfying, it made him feel good, sometimes even human and the fact
that he somehow had made it out of the whole mess with Darla - battered and
bruised, but out nevertheless - made him feel stronger than before.
But being with Buffy, walking beside her, talking to her, even touching her
from time to time... it was unbearable. It was all he could do not to reach
out and crush her to him. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, love her and
never let go again. But of course that wasn't an option.
Of course there was the curse preventing him from getting close to her, and
all the other reasons why he left her in the first place. Buffy had lost her
memory and he would never even try to suggest anything as long as she wasn't
able to make a decision.
**And I am not slowly going insane, no, I'm nuts already. What the Hell am I
thinking?**
He ran a hand through his hair and cast a quick glance at the woman walking
at his side. She was looking straight ahead, scanning the area, and trying
to use her senses to feel vampires. For a moment a frown appeared on Angel's
forehead. Was it even possible for her to be at his side he wondered? Or was
the fact that he had a soul making a difference?
Slightly shaking his head, he suppressed a sigh at the last possible second.
No need to attract her attention. Better not talking, and not looking at
each other. So they continued walking beside each other in silence.
"Angel?" her voice was hesitant, and he was almost startled when he heard
it. It was so unexpected in the silence that had settled over the cemetery.
"Yes?"
"I... uh... don't want to make you uncomfortable..."
**Oh God, please not again. Don't touch that subject again.**
"... but... well, Willow told me what happened between you and I."
**I can't talk about it, please don't make me...**
"WHAT?" he almost shouted and stopped abruptly, staring down at her.
She shifted uncomfortably, averted her eyes for a moment, but then looked up
at him. "I needed to know. Because I couldn't understand why... why we split
up," she explained hurriedly, "So she told me about the happiness clause."
She reached out to lay a hand on his arm and it hit him like lightning. "And
I wanted to say," she went on, completely oblivious to what that simple
touch was doing to him, "I understand. I understand why you left. I would've
done the same. It must be absolutely terrifying to fear for your soul."
He was still staring at her, and all he had felt was her hand on his arm.
Somewhere in his unconscious he knew her lips were moving, had even
registered the words she was saying, but hadn't been able to understand
them. Then he suddenly blinked, "Sorry, what?" slowly his eyes focused on
her face. He shook his head, "I mean, yeah. I mean..." The air he'd been
holding left his mouth in a whoosh. "Sorry." He stepped away, cutting their
connection in the process, with half of him crying out in agony at the loss,
then turned his back to her.
"You mean," he was glad his voice sounded almost normal, "You know what
happened. Willow told... I mean, what did she tell you, exactly?"
"Uh..." a lovely blush crept into her cheeks and she smiled a bit shyly.
"Well, she didn't tell me the details, but I'm not dumb, so I could guess.
In a nutshell she said we were together which caused a moment of true
happiness for you - which is incredibly romantic by the way - and then you
lost your soul. Later you got it back because she re-cursed you."
Relief flooded through him, so Willow hadn't ... "And that was all?" he
turned back to her. "That's all she told you?"
"Yup," Buffy said a bit flippantly, desperately trying to ease the tension
she sensed around them. "Oh and yeah, she said, I wouldn't like to know your
alter ego," she grinned, "it seems you're quite a bad boy without your
soul."
It was meant as a joke but unfortunately absolutely misplaced with the man
standing in front of her. He roughly grabbed her shoulders and shook her
slightly, "DON'T," he warned, his voice rising. "This isn't fun. Without a
soul I am not at all like I am now. And she's right. You wouldn't want to
know." With that he let go of her as abruptly he had touched her and stomped
away.
She needed a second for her confusion to settle down, and then she followed
him. "Angel, wait," she cried. "Please, wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't
want to hurt you."
He stopped, and turned towards her again, waiting.
"It seems I'm stepping on everyone's feet these days, but this," she
motioned around, "whole situation is so frustrating. You have no idea what
it means to lose your memories. It's like losing a part of yourself, a very
big part. I can't remember a single day of my 20 years. I have to believe
what my friends, or my sister, or my watcher, are telling me. Then suddenly
you show up and..." She shut her eyes for a moment, looking back up at him,
she continued, "and I have all those feelings, but you keep away from me all
the time, although I could sense you felt something for me." She gave him a
pleading look, "I needed to understand, why you wouldn't want to be close to
me."
Angel looked into her huge eyes, filled with a mixture of so many feelings
he couldn't name them all, but the most important being confusion, and a
pained sound, something between a moan and a groan escaped his mouth when he
suddenly reached out and pulled her into his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered
against her hair. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I didn't want to cause you any pain.
That's why I left two years ago."
He held her tightly, his hands stroking her back and Buffy couldn't remember
- whatever that was worth in her current state - ever having felt so safe,
so protected, so loved... So right. Her arms encircled his waist almost on
by themselves and she leaned her cheek against the soft material of his
shirt and a little sigh escaped her mouth. This surely had to be heaven and
she never wanted it to end.
She felt him tremble beneath her hands, felt shudders racking through his
body and just now began to understand what he went through everyday. He came
back to help her - so far as she knew, although he knew that seeing her
would cause pain, and at the moment she was certain he was suffering much
more than she. Almost unconsciously she tightened her embrace and began to
stroke his back as well. "It's okay," she murmured against his chest, "You
didn't cause me pain. I just couldn't understand what was going on."
"I know," she heard him whisper into her ear and the air from his mouth was
like a bittersweet caress, something forbidden and yet so desired.
"You didn't leave me because you didn't love me," she said quietly, pulling
back slightly and looking up at him.
"No," he shook his head and a sad smile played around his lips. "I never
stopped loving you. But it just won't be possible, it didn't work. There
were so many things I couldn't give you, starting with the most basic of
all, to express my love by touching you. You have no idea how... difficult
it was after..." he trailed off, but she knew what he meant. She couldn't
remember the things that had happened, still she knew.
"So you set me free," the sad smile was on her lips as well. "It was your
gift to me, wasn't it?"
Angel closed his eyes. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't feel good
for leaving her, although he knew it had been the right decision. Truth to
be told all he wanted was shout that he had been wrong, that he was sorry
for having left, that he would stay this time and redemption or Shanshu be
damned.
"I understand," she said softly and opened his eyes again. "We don't need to
talk. I understand now and it's... no, it's not good, but I can deal." She
grinned suddenly, unexpectedly and Angel felt his heart jump in his chest.
"At least I think I can. It's not easy keeping my hands off you. You're just
so damned incredibly attractive."
He knew what she was doing, she was trying to ease the tension, trying to
distract him, to push the pain away she felt she had caused with her
questions. "Why, thank you miss," he joked back, glad his normal voice was
back. "I do anything to please."
She laughed, "I might remember you of that sometimes," she replied and began
to walk, sending a silent prayer to Willow. **Please, please find something.
Please, because I don't want to lose him. I want this chance with him.**
... to be continued
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