The Night Remembers - Part 28
When Riley finally left the mansion the first rays of the morning sun had
appeared. He was weary and every step seemed heavier than the one before.
God, he was tired. It wasn't that he wasn't used to staying up all night, he
was still a young man and as such he shouldn't mind sleep-deprivation. Yet,
he couldn't remember ever having been so tired before.
No, not just tired, disillusioned maybe. Or both. Yes, definitely both. It
had been shocking to listen to all the revelations, the description of the
upcoming danger. **It's tonight.** The thought should've rocked him to the
core, but it didn't. What really got to him was watching Angel and Buffy for
hours. Not only the way they were acting around each other, just everything.
The way the vampire had pulled the slayer behind the curtain and she
followed him. The way her eyes had been all puffy and red and had glowed
after returning from patrol with him, or whatever you wanted to call what
they did together. And last but not least the way she all but ignored him
the whole evening.
Sure, she had lost her memory, but listening to her friends Riley understood
that she'd also recovered parts of it. She'd even told him she remembered
him. But somehow it didn't seem important to her and that bugged him. They
had been together for over a year for God's sake and that had to mean
something. Anything.
But it didn't, not now, and maybe not ever. Maybe the fact that she didn't
remember a single kiss or just one simple emotion they'd shared told him
more than words ever could. He thought he'd lost all illusions about their
relationship months ago, but now he knew he was wrong. There had still been
that tiny bit of hope, the wish that he might have been more than just a
distraction, a help to recover from a painful breakup.
More than just a rebound guy.
He loved her with all his heart. Riley had been sure she was the one, but he
was never anything but the rebound guy. And for a vampire of all things. If
there wasn't irony, he didn't know what was. An unhappy laugh escaped his
throat. They were like attached at the hip, barely a minute had passed that
night where vampire and slayer hadn't been touching and time and again they
exchanged a smile, a loving glance and each time Riley wanted to shout.
How on earth was he going to get through this? Not in his wildest dreams had
he imagined his return to Sunnydale would be like this. That it would hurt
so much. Cost him so much. Pride. Love. Hope. All of them were damaged, his
pride hurt, his love stamped on, and hope destroyed. Talk about feeling like
crap, he thought. He would give his non-existent wealth to just switch off
his feelings for the blond girl, but he couldn't. He still loved her. But
finally he had to accept that they were never meant to be.
Their whole relationship had been nothing but a bad joke. Not intentionally,
he was sure of that. He had loved her and Buffy... Riley was certain she'd
tried her best to make herself believe he was exactly what she wanted. But
self-betrayal worked only for so long. On both sides. He had told her he was
leaving, but she hadn't done anything to hold him back. Deep inside she must
have known, that it had been a lie.
A lie.
Somehow that hurt more than anything else.
Riley reached for his car-keys when he heard the door of the mansion open
and shut again. He turned to see Xander coming towards him and saw that the
other man's car was right behind the commando's. "Going for some doughnuts?"
"Sort of," Xander replied with a nod, "The gang needs breakfast. We're going
to stay here for planning. I was surprised to see you leaving."
"I need to go back to report. But I'll be back in awhile so we can
coordinate our actions for tonight." Riley leaned back against his car and
blinked his tired eyes into the morning sun. "I didn't see Anya in there,"
he said after a moment.
"No," Xander said hesitantly. "We had a fight."
"I see," the commando nodded, "You're going to work it through?"
"Who knows," the other man sighed and leaned against his own car. Then
added, "I hope. I love her."
"Love just sometimes isn't enough." Riley turned his head slightly so that
he could look at Xander. The other man had always been supportive of his
relationship with Buffy, and to a certain extent the blond commando had seen
him as a friend. Not the kind of friend as Graham, but Riley trusted Xander
and he liked him. "Do you think it will be enough for them?" he asked
nodding at the mansion.
"Buffy and Angel?" Xander raised a brow. Then he rolled his eyes, "Who
knows. But after what they've been through, I'd have to bet it would. If
we're going to survive tonight of course."
The commando nodded slowly, looked back into the sun and closed his eyes. "I
got the impression you weren't fond of him either," he said after a while.
"I wasn't," Xander admitted, "And I doubt we'll ever be the bestest buds.
The guy bugs me. A lot actually. But I've grown up too, you know."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that I've looked inside of me and didn't like what I found. Like
the fact that I was jealous of Angel or rather the kind of love he and Buffy
shared. Or both," he suddenly laughed. "At the beginning I had the hots for
her, then when I got over it, I just was jealous of the things they shared.
They had some sort of understanding, some silent communication," he shook
his head, laughed again, "I didn't like seeing it. I put Buffy through a lot
with my stupid behavior. We all did."
"And she chose him," it wasn't much of a question.
"No, she didn't. She was torn. Between her friends and Angel. That was after
all the going-evil-stuff. After we all saw what his alter ego was capable
of. We all had difficulties to make differentiating between them, all except
Buffy. She took him back with open arms. She never had a problem seeing
Angel and Angelus as two different people. She was even better at it than
Angel. Sometimes I think that was part of the reason he left. That she was
stubbornly refusing to see the demon inside of him.
"But of course that wasn't it. I think Angel noticed how torn she was.
Between her hopes and wishes, her love for him, her friendship to us, her
watcher, her mom," Xander shook his head. "I think he left because he made
himself believe that because she was so young, she would get over the love
they shared more easily than living in that kind of dilemma."
He sighed deeply. "I think I finally got that part of the whole breakup was
our non-acceptance of Angel and the fact that he loved her. We all
underestimated how much he loved her, that her happiness would be more
important for him than his. But of course we all never realized that
happiness without him wasn't truly possible."
"God, I really love to hear these revelations," Riley made a strangled sound
and rubbed his forehead.
"Did I say anything you didn't know already?" Xander asked, looking at the
other man.
Riley turned his head as well, then on a sigh he said, "No. No,
unfortunately not. It was the reason I left. Because I knew that she
wouldn't love me or at least not the way I wanted her to. But you know what
the real problem is? I still can't stop loving her." He blinked rapidly,
feeling tears well up in his eyes. God, he was pathetic. "Man, this sucks,"
he said harshly.
Xander looked at the commando for a moment, and then reached out and put a
hand on the blonde's shoulder, "I don't know if it helps any, but I know
exactly how you feel. Whatever they do, we can't just stop loving them. But
we can't force them to love us back either, can we?"
"No," Riley agreed, turning and opening the door of his car. He was about to
get in, then suddenly stopped again, "Tell me something," he said without
looking up, "We're good guys, aren't we? Then why does this happen to us?"
"Because life isn't fair," Xander replied without hesitation.
"Yeah," the commando nodded, "But somehow that didn't make me feel better."
Xander smiled slightly at this, "Whoever said you should?"
****
"How are we doing this?" Faith asked looking around in the hall of the
mansion that was almost overcrowded. Gunn and his friends had joined them
shortly before sunrise and you could barely move without bumping into
someone. When she had everyone's attention she clarified, "I mean, how are
we going to fight tonight? By now we know what they're planning, we know
they might set free a number of master vampires, but there's still no real
plan."
"Well, we go there, plant a stake in their hearts and then wave them
goodbye," Gunn grinned at her and his friends laughed nervously. From time
to time someone had tried to lighten the mood, but it didn't really work.
"If I recall correctly," Kate said from her spot on the sofa, a cup of
strong coffee firmly in one hand, "Angel said that this is the problem."
"So he did," Giles nodded, giving her a smile. "What we really need is a
plan to overcome a master's ability to hypnotize people, to force his will
on others."
"We could try a spell," Willow offered, exchanging a glance with Tara. "I
have no idea how, but we could look."
"Do that," the watcher said approvingly. "It's at least worth a try. And
let's not forget that we have some preternatural power on our side as well."
His smile was tight now. "Speaking of which," he looked around. "Where are
they?"
"Uh... Spike went to one of the back rooms," Cordelia said yawning. She wasn't
sure how she could manage to stay awake and functioning, but she would. The
world was at stake. A couple of years ago she wouldn't have bothered with
this, but now... Now she was different. A vampire had changed her view on
things. Talk about weird, she thought. "And the other two are over there,"
she nodded at the curtain that was closed.
"Oh," was all Giles said to that. Well, he sighed inwardly, they probably
needed this time together. Nobody knew if it would be their last and even if
it wasn't, the night had been traumatic for Buffy, hearing about Angel being
sent to hell and probably some other things as well. The watcher sighed
again, there was enough time to talk about this later, he decided. "Faith,
why don't you train with them for a while," he suggested looking pointedly
at Gunn and his friends.
The brunette slayer grinned, "Sure. Come on guys. Ready for some serious
pain?"
****
"How are you feeling?" Angel asked, tightening his arms around his mate and
gently kissing her crown. They were seated on his large bed, the curtain
hiding them from curious eyes. Buffy's back was leaning against his broad
chest, his chin resting on her head, their hands intimately entwined in her
lap.
"Tired," she said and laughed slightly. "Also afraid," she admitted after a
short silence. "Angel, what if-"
"Shhhh," he soothed.
"No," she shook her head stubbornly. "It could be our end, couldn't it? We
could all die. Willow, Tara, Giles," she took a deep breath, "Dawn and..."
she stifled a sob, "you."
"Don't think about it," he whispered, breathing a kiss behind her ear.
"But we need to. Angel, we can't just do as if-," this time she couldn't
stop the sob and the vampire quickly turned her around so that she was
facing him now. Gently stroking her cheeks with the tips of his fingers,
tracing her lips, he leaned forward and kissed her softly, lovingly.
"I know," he said quietly, "I know we could die, cease to exist, but we have
to believe we can overcome this, Buffy. We need to. Without it we've lost
long before we even start fighting."
"You know all about this, don't you," she said looking deeply into his eyes.
"When I died, you wanted it to end, didn't you?"
He was almost startled by her words, her insight into his soul. After a
moment he said simply, "Yes. I did. I've been to the bottom before. I've
lived of off rats in the streets before we met and then," he frowned to get
a grip on his emotions, "When I left Sunnydale," he shook his head.
"I understand," she replied kissing his jaw. "I do now. I don't think I did
before. I can't remember everything, but somehow I have a feeling I was too
angry to understand how much you were suffering too."
He smiled slightly at her words. This amnesiac Buffy was so much more grown
up than the one he remembered, but maybe it was just the fact that all the
pain he involuntarily inflicted on her was just like a far away cloud, not
so real, so hurting as before. "But I managed to go on. Knowing that you
were around, somewhere on this planet, fighting the same fight, hopefully
happy... It wasn't enough, could never be enough, but at least I knew you
were out there. When you died," laughed unhappily, "Cordelia once asked me
if there was a shrink for vampires. For the first week they handcuffed me to
the bed."
Reflexively she tightened her arms around him. But he shook his head, "I
wouldn't have killed myself. I thought about it, I won't deny it, but I
wouldn't have. I could only think how disappointed you would be if I just
gave up. So there was simply no way."
"I love you," she whispered. "Make love to me."
He chuckled, "Do you think this is a good idea? We have a whole audience out
there."
Her answering grin was wicked, "Then we just have to be real quiet."
"You are insatiable Miss Summers."
"Uh-huh," her grin got even wider and her eyes flickered to his lap. "I know
someone else who's insatiable as well."
"God, I love you," he said fiercely, pulling her close. "I love you," he
repeated. "So very much."
"I know," she kissed him deeply, "I do too. Love me, Angel. Show me how much
you love me," her eyes were huge and a little bit sad, when she added, "It
could be the last time. Let's not waste it."
Their lips met again, more urgent this time, and losing themselves in each
other they quickly forgot that only a velvet curtain was separating them
from about 20 people.
... to be continued