This story is meant to expose all the annoying rednecks, and overly pious-religious nuts…if you are one, then don't read the story. If you live in Kentucky, please don't take offense, but consider therapy.
Hermione Meets Her First Real Rednecks
Hermione Granger was sitting in her muggle studies class taking notes furiously, when Professor McGonagall announced that they would be participating in an exciting new project. "For the next four weeks you will each go to live with a muggle family. You will not be allowed to use magic. You must live exactly as they do. It's what muggles call a 'foreign exchange program'. I will be giving extra credit to anyone who chooses to visit a muggle family in a foreign country."
Hermione had spent the first ten years of her life living in the muggle world, however she was sure that after growing so accustomed to relying on magic, the experience would be quite interesting. But, to ensure that she learned as much as possible she chose to go to another country. After much deliberation she decided to go to the United States of America. As Ron pointed out, there was the added bonus that they spoke English in the United States, and even Hermione wasn't likely to become fluent in a foreign language in just one week before leaving.
Professor McGonagall made all of the necessary arrangements, and one week later escorted Hermione to the airport. Once she had boarded the plane, Hermione pulled out the information (that she had not quite committed to memory yet) that she had been provided with. She was going to be staying with the Mr. and Mrs. James Smith. The Smiths had two children, fourteen year old BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy, and sixteen year old MaryPeggySueLynn. The Smith family lived in a small farming town in eastern Kentucky. Looking at a map of the United States, Hermione found that Kentucky is in the southern portion of the country.
The flight was quite long, and Hermione slept through most of it, so that she would have enough energy to completely absorb all of her new surroundings when they landed. When Hermione entered the small Kentucky airport she began eagerly searching for her new family. It didn't take her long to find them. Mr. Smith was a tall muscular man; his skin was quite dark from the sun. Mrs. Smith was plump, with blonde hair, and a sweet face. BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy was a shorter, scrawnier version of his father, muddy overalls and all. MaryPeggySueLynn had dark brown hair like her father, and was pretty in a rather plain way. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a pink T-shirt. "Hi, I'm Hermione, your exchange student from England," she introduced herself.
"Hey!" MaryPeggySueLynn said in a soft voice.
"Did yew say yer name is 'Her-muney'?" Mr. Smith asked. "Naow, why do yew have uh name like tha-at? Yer parents weren't none of them up-start hippies were they?" he demanded.
"James!" Mrs. Smith cut him off. "She's from a foreign country. She can't help it that her name is funny," she said giving him a fierce look. "What's your middle name darlin'?" she asked, turning her attention to Hermione.
"Elizabeth," Hermione choked out. This was not going at all the way she had imagined.
"Well then, we'll call you Lizzy. How's that sweetheart?" she asked absolutely beaming at Hermione.
"Um…Al, A, All right," Hermione stammered, quite taken aback.
"Well, lets get your bags and go find something to eat," Mrs. Smith suggested.
On the way out to the car Hermione noticed that Mr. Smith and BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy both spit a nasty looking brown liquid out of their mouths quite frequently. After loading her luggage into the family's pick-up truck they left the airport. They drove through a large amount of barren fields and farmland that Hermione got to observe close up, because she was sitting in the pick-up bed with BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy and MaryPeggySueLynn. A few miles down the road, they stopped to eat at the Country Diner.
Mr. Smith ordered for everyone except BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy, so Hermione didn't even have a chance to choose something that she might like. When her plate was placed in front of her she stared at it in horror. There was an unidentifiable piece of meat that had been breaded and fried. She presumed that it was chicken. As she stared at it she could see a puddle of grease forming around it. Beside the chicken was a roll. Hermione quickly moved it, before it could become contaminated with chicken fat. There was also a heaping pile of some greenish-white food that BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy called coleslaw. Hermione nibbled at her role while everyone else shoveled food into their mouths at top speed. A few moments passed before anyone noticed that Hermione wasn't eating. "What's the matter Lizzy, aren't you hungry?" MaryPeggySueLynn asked.
"Oh, they fed us on the plane," Hermione lied.
"Can I have whutever yer not gunna eat?" BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy asked.
"BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy! Use yer manners," Mr. Smith barked.
"Can I have whutever yer not gunna eat please?" BillyBobbyGeorgieBoy amended.
"Sure," Hermione said pushing her plate towards him. Within moments all of the food was gone.
"You didn't have dessert on the plane did you?" Mrs. Smith asked.
"No," Hermione said, wondering if that was a wise decision. To her relief they only ordered her a slice of "all American apple pie" which, to her surprise, she actually enjoyed.
Later that night while Hermione was settling into her new room when MaryPeggySueLynn ame to visit. "You know, Lizzy, I've always wanted to have a sister…we're going to have all kinds of fun you know. We'll stay up late talking, and share clothes, and do all sorts of fun things," she beamed.
"I'm sure we will," Hermione began warily.
"Would you like a snack? I'm starving," MaryPeggySueLynn inquired sweetly.
"Sure," Hermione agreed. Things seemed to be looking up. Maybe now she could finally get some decent food. MaryPeggySueLynn returned shortly with a bag of snack food that Hermione didn't recognize. "What are those?" she asked curiously.
"Pork rinds," MaryPeggySueLynn responded happily.
"Pardon me? Did I hear you right?" she asked, sincerely hoping that 'pork rinds' was just an American slang term.
"Well you see, they take the skin off of pigs, deep fat fry them, and then salt them. They are absolutely delicious! Don't you have them in England?" MaryPeggySueLynn questioned.
"No," Hermione replied shortly, wondering how she would get out of eating them. Quickly she started a conversation with MaryPeggySueLynn about her school, and got MaryPeggySueLynn so involved that she didn't notice that Hermione wasn't eating.
"Yes, our school's pretty stupid! They have so many rules, and the classes are so boring…I don't see why we should learn any of that stuff anyways…it's not like I will ever actually use any of it." MaryPeggySueLynn concluded.
Hermione's heart sank. This was not going to be any fun at all! She would rather be back at Hogwarts and have Snape for every class of the day than be here! The food was awful! The people were ignorant! And she missed Ron and Harry.
That night Hermione lay in bed listening to the crickets chirping, clinging to the frail hope that there would be someone at school who could appreciate learning, and herself. School had always been her friend in the past! Why should it not be now? She asked herself, but fearing that everything in this country might be as horrible as what she had already seen.
Hermione and muggle studies belong to J.K. Rowling. I own the smiths… J.K. Rowling can have them if she wants them (though I can't see why she would).
This story has been brought to you by the P.A.R.A.O.O.P.R.N. (Partnership Against Rednecks and Other Overly Pious Religious Nuts). At the moment I am the only member (which makes it hard to be a partnership), if you are interested in joining, contact me. (it's free, and we don't do anything…I just made it up)