Baby's Got Back, Much Back!

by Karina Kineshi

Kenshin, Sanosuke, and Aoshi compose a song dedicated to their respective women's posteriors! Guest appearances by Saitoh, his wife and "company", Oniwa Banshuu, Enishi, Yahiko, and The Fat Sumo Guy From That Boring Episode! Not to miss...

Shungas are "erotic prints/nishiki-e". They are the equivalent of playboy foldouts back in Kenshin's time ^_^ This fic alludes to Adolescent Jess's "Rurouni Kenshin Mystery Fic" and "Rurouni Kenshin Angst Fic". A little bit. Thanks Jess! And also, I borrowed MadamHydra's creations, the Nightwitches for a brief cameo. Thank you so much MadamHydra! Ooh, and now one of my reader has generously contributed art dedicated to the fic! Holy geezums, it's Kenshin in leather! Click here or go to http://www.angelfire.com/anime3/rurokensama to see this. Thanks goes to Crystal Okamino (CrystalineWolf@aol.com) for her contribution! Disclaimers: The song "Baby Got Back" is by Sir-Mix-A-Lot, and butchered by me, Karina. The characters in here are not mine, but they belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki and Shounen Jump. ****************** Baby's Got Back, Much Back! By: Karina Kineshi *talking* Okon: Oh my god. Omasu, look at her butt. It's so big… Omasu: She looks like one of those gangster's girlfriends... Then again, who understands those gangsters anyway? Okon: People only go to her clinic/dojo because she looks like a total prostitute... Omasu: *scandalized* Okon! That's mean... but... I mean her butt... It's just so big! Okon: I can't believe it's so round! Omasu: It's just out there... Okon: I mean, it's so... out there... Look, she's just so pale... *rapping begins as Sanosuke steps out onto the stage* Sanosuke: *wearing a new jacket and pants, made entirely of leather* I like big butts and I cannot lie You hitokiris can't deny When a babe walks in with an itty-bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung... Megumi: *matter-of-factly* I believe the medical term for it would be "erection"... Sanosuke: Wanna pull up tough Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed... Megumi: How can I stuff my butt? We don't even have underwear! Sanosuke: Deep in the smock she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring... Megumi: *glares* You'd better stop staring if you know what's good for you... Sanosuke: *looking uncertain* Oh, baby I wanna get with ya But please, no pictures... Megumi: *under her breath* You have to admit, a man with phobias IS endearing... Sanosuke: My diceboys tried to warn me But that butt you got Makes me so, um... *gets a glare from Megumi* ...hot and bothered... Megumi: I don't even want to KNOW what you were going to say there... Sanosuke: Ooh, rump of smooth skin... Megumi: KYA!! You... idiot! Sanosuke: *leering* You say you wanna get in my futon... Megumi: *shocked, but blushing* I most certainly did NOT! Sanosuke: Well bandage me, bandage me, cuz you ain't that average foxy... Megumi: You are SO dead when this is over... Sanosuke: I've seen them dancin' The hell with romancin' She's aglow, and she knows, got it goin' like a zanbatou... Megumi: That IS kinda flattering... in that non flowing rhyming way of his... Sanosuke: I'm tired of those damn Shungas(*) Showin' flat butts as the thing... Katsu: Hey! I run an anti government paper now, you idiot... Sanosuke: Take Oniwa Banshuu and ask him that She gotta pack much back... Beshimi, Hyottoko, Hannya, Shikijo: *in proper English accents* Yes, much back is appreciated... Sanosuke: So psychos... Enishi: Yeah! Sanosuke: Ahous... Saitoh: ... *the song comes to a screeching halt* Saitoh: *quiet* Yeah? Sanosuke: Has your onna got the butt? Enishi: Hell yeah!! Onee-san!! Saitoh: *takes a long drag* Ahou. Sanosuke: *looks nervous* Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt... Megumi: Damn right it's healthy if I'M your doctor! Ohohohohoho... Sanosuke: Baby got back! Sanosuke: Tokyo face with Aizu booty... *ends rapping and steps to the side, grinning* Megumi: I'm speechless, but this doesn't mean that I will go out with you... Sanosuke: *smirking* You've already fallen for me fox... *Megumi yanks Sanosuke off-stage, a devilish light in her eyes* Saitoh: *still smoking* Shinomori, I believe it is your turn. *everyone falls over when Aoshi walks into the room* Aoshi: *his flowing overcoat is now leather* I like 'em round and big And when I'm throwin' a gig… Misao: His gig? Oh... his secret attack... Kaoru: *whispers* I didn't know he calls it a gig... Aoshi: I just can't help myself... Misao: *beaming evilly* You don't have to, Aoshi-sama! Aoshi: I'm actin' like an animal Now here's my scandal... Misao: This is getting good... Aoshi: I wanna get you home And UH, double up UH UH!! Misao: *bright red* A- A- AOSHI-SAMA?!? Aoshi: I ain't talkin bout playboy Cuz silicone parts were made for toys... Misao: *squealing* I'm one-hundred percent natural Aoshi-sama!!! Aoshi: I want 'em real thick and juicy So find that juicy double Sanosuke's in trouble Beggin for a piece of that bubble... *A slap echoes throughout the room from backstage* Kaoru: Ouch! Bet that hurt... Aoshi: So I'm lookin' at rock videos Knockin' these ahous walkin' like hos... Misao: What's a rock video? A ho? Kaoru-san? Kaoru: *red* You don't wanna know... Aoshi: You can have them ahous I'll keep my women like Hiko... *Okon and Omasu are draped all over Hiko* Okon and Omasu: Hiko-sama! *Hiko flashes his genius/pimp grin* Aoshi: A word to the thick soul sistas I wanna get with ya I won't cuss or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna – Kenshin: *from backstage* Oro?! Aoshi: Til the break of dawn!!! Kaoru: *fanning Misao, who's passed out* Misao! Can you hear me?!? Aoshi: Baby Got it goin' on A lot of drug lords won't like this song... Aoshi's mind: (Kanryuu, you bastard... Beshimi, Hyottoko, Hannya, Shikijo...) Aoshi: Cuz them punks lie to hit it and quit it But I'd rather stay and play Cuz I'm long and I'm strong And I'm down to get the friction on... *Misao comes to* Misao: *blinks, then wolf howls* AAAAAOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHIIIII!!!! *Sanosuke comes out from backstage, several lipstick marks all over him* Sanosuke: *chanting* So weasels... Misao: Yeah! Sanosuke: Raccoons... Kaoru: Yeah? Sanosuke: Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes? Kaoru and Misao: *confused* Ye-- W- What the hell is a Mercedes? Sanosuke: *glaring* Then turn around Stick it out Shinsen-gumis got to shout Baby got back! *Yahiko at turnstyle, in pimp leather and several heavy gold chains, and in sunglasses* Aoshi: Weasel face with the Kyoto booty... Misao: *stars in her eyes* I'll let that "weasel" thing slide just for YOU, AOSHI-SAMA! Kaoru: *looks around* Kenshin's up next right? Megumi: *sits down next to Kaoru, straightening her hair and kimono* Ha! Sanosuke knows NOW I do NOT stuff my butt... Ohohohohohoho... Sanosuke: *grinning* Hey jou-chan! Saitoh: *surrounded by Nightwitches and sitting beside his wife, a pile of used cigarettes at his feet* When it comes to females Ken-Ki ain't got nothin to do with my selection... Aku-Soku-Zan... Tokio: *flashes a victory sign* Only if he's 5'9"! *the curtains begin to part* Kaoru: K-Kenshin! Kenshin: *wearing a tight vinyl jacket and a studded silver belt, blushing madly* Kenshin's mind: (Sessha wa rurouni! Why am I a rapper?) Kenshin: *red* So your girlfriend throws a sakabatou Playin' workout tapes by Kaoru-dono... Kaoru: You promised you wouldn't tell, Kenshin!! Kenshin: *getting redder* But Kaoru ain't got a motor in the back of her sakabatou... Megumi: *shocked* Ken-san? Kaoru: *indignant* Who the HELL wrote these lyrics? *maniacal laughter is heard from backstage* Enishi: *cackling* My Jinchuu is COMPLETE!! *Sanosuke hands Kenshin the REAL lyrics* Sanosuke: Go get her! Kenshin: My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun! Kaoru: Y-Your anaconda? Megumi: I believe the proper medical term for it would be— Kaoru: M-MEGUMI-SAN! Kenshin: *starts getting into the song* You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt... Tae: *pops in* You must never underestimate those calories and start dieting, Kaoru-san! Kaoru: Obviously not... Megumi: *laughs* Ohohohoho... Kenshin: *starts doing a little dance* Some brothers wanna play that hard role And tell you that the butt ain't gold So they toss it and leave it And I pull up quick to retrieve it... Kaoru: *huffs* I have NOT been used by a pimp Kenshin!! Are you sure these are the changed lyrics?! Kenshin: So Ken-ki says you're fat... Kaoru: KENSHIN!!! I HATE YOU!! Kenshin: *pained* Well I ain't down with that Cuz your waist is small and your curves are kickin'... Kaoru: *gushes* KENSHIN!! I LOVE YOU AGAIN!! Megumi: *looks around* By the way, where'd Misao go off to? Kenshin: And I'm thinkin' bout stickin' To the beanpole jou-chans in the Shungas... Kaoru: *fuming* You have to rub it in... Megumi: And where's Aoshi? Kenshin: You ain't it Miss Thin... Kaoru: *starry-eyed* "That fat sumo guy from that boring episode": *chants* Let's hear it for fat people! *Aoshi and Misao are nowhere in sight* Kenshin: Give me a (dojo) instructor I can't resist her Wasabi and rice did miss her... Yahiko: *calls from turnstyle* Wasabi is the only thing you can make edible, ugly. Kaoru: But, you don't have to cook it! It's just pickles! Yahiko: Exactly. Kenshin: Some knucklehead tried to diss Cuz his girls were on my list He had game but he chose to hit 'em And pulled up quick to get with 'em... Kaoru: Are you talking about that Jin'e bastard? I'm so glad that you beat the crap out of him Kenshin... you're so wonderful... Kenshin: *blushing* Kenshin's mind: I was also talking about Enishi... but that's ok too... Kenshin: So ladies if the butt is round And you wanna scar-shaped X throw down... *a scream pierces the air* Misao: Aoshi-sama!! Aoshi-sama!!!! *the room is silent* Megumi: What'd you do Misao-chan? Holy... *Aoshi is sprawled all over the floor, unconscious* Misao: *frantic* He just passed out! I didn't do anything! Help him Megumi! *Kenshin hits the floor with a thud* Kaoru: KENSHIN!! Megumi: *feels Aoshi and Kenshin's forehead* Why, Aoshi's just drunk... and Kenshin... *looks up in surprise* ... is just overheated from too much leather. Saitoh: *squinting* What the hell? No alcohol was supposed to be present at this party... Misao: So THAT'S why he was acting so weird... I don't think he would have said that if he wasn't drunk... Kaoru: *grinning* But... aren't you glad though Misao-chan? Misao: *nodding vigorously* Most definitely. *everyone looks around, trying to figure out who did it* Saitoh: I bet it was that psycho's doing. *takes another cigarette out* Ahou. *while a big commotion is present in the background, a shot of Sanosuke appears... hiding a sake jug underneath his jacket* Sanosuke: *winks* Dial 1-900-FOXYDOC and kick them nasty thoughts Baby got back... Megumi: SANOSUKE!!! I'LL KILL YOU!! The End (and thankfully, not a moment too soon) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's notes: Comment. Please. I am much more critical with those idiotic fics than my serious ones, so... if I was to go with my gut instinct concerning this fic, it should have been in the trash and deleted a million times over ^_^ Comments and suggestions are openly accepted and much needed. Thanks to everyone!