Finding Peace
Evening was
falling as Benton Quest settled into his reading chair in the family room. In the distance, he could hear the sounds of
pots and pans being removed from cabinets as Mrs. Evans began dinner. Across the room he could see the matching
cradles sitting idle. Jessie was
upstairs feeding the twins. Mrs. Evans
had been helping her, which was why dinner was running late. He had just gotten off the phone with
Hadji. He had taken to calling every day
from Bangalore to check on Jessie and the twins. He also asked daily about Jonny and Race. It had been almost two months since they
left the Quest Compound to track Julia . . . two months with absolutely no
word.
Jessie had
spent ten days in the hospital following the birth of the twins. Both children had spent that time in the
premmie ward. Barbara Mason had assured
both of them that it was purely precautionary. For all that they were a month early, neither child was showing any sign
of problems. Jessie named the children
Rachel Marie and Jonathan Roger. She
told Benton that Jonny had wanted the boy named Roger Benton, but when the time
came she simply couldn't do it. She
wanted the boy named after his father. She told him she would take the heat when Jonny got home . . . and that
their next son could be named Roger Benton. He tried to tell her how much it meant to him that she had named her
daughter after Jonny's mother. But
every time he tried, he got choked up and couldn't continue. Finally, she had hugged him and said that he
didn't have to say anything . . . she understood.
Estella had
flown in the day after the children were born and had stayed until Jessie came
home. He had always been surprised that
she had not come when she first found out what had happened. But over the preceding months he had come to
realize there was a lot of tension between the two women. However, Jessie would never say what was
causing the problem. When Estella
arrived Jessie did not greet her with the joy and gratitude Benton had
expected. Rather, they moved very
carefully around each other and the tension was severe. The day Jessie came home, the problems
finally came to a boil and the two women had a violent fight. Benton could hear nothing but indistinguishable
voices raised in anger, but the end result was that Estella had stormed
downstairs, threw her things together and left the Compound for Colombia
without a single word of farewell. Jessie told him later that her mother had wanted her to pack the children
and come back with her to live. When
she refused her mother had stormed out in anger. Benton was sure there was more to it than that, but he also
suspected that no one in the Quest Compound would ever know what it was.
It was Mrs.
Evans who turned out to be the female moral and physical support Jessie
needed. Benton helped in every way he
could, but Mrs. Evans seemed to have a sixth sense for when Jessie was in need
of rest or the children were stirring. She helped Jessie throughout the day, leaving Benton free to work on
other things. She would complete and
serve dinner and clean up cooking dishes. That left Benton to load the dishwasher with serving dishes and silverware
and to help Jessie until bedtime. Initially, he tried to get up with her when the twins woke at night, but
after the first day or so she told him kindly that it wasn't necessary . . .
she could manage. And, she pointed out,
he had no dues to pay. Jonny, when he
got home, would not be so lucky.
Throughout
their absence, Jessie's faith that Jonny and her father would return was
absolutely unshakeable. Jonny had
promised her, she told him. And he had
never failed her on any promise he had ever made. At first, Benton also believed it was just a matter of time. But as days turned into weeks and weeks into
months he began to have doubts. And if
they never returned? What then? Would they ever be able to find out what
happened? He avoided thinking about
what the final realization would do to Jessie if the two most important men in
her life never came home. All he knew
for sure was that he had promised his son he would care for Jessie and his
children and that was one promise he would keep, no matter what.
Somewhere
outside he heard the sound of a car door slamming. It took a minute to realize what it was. During Race and Jonny's absence, the
security personnel Race had arranged had been virtually invisible. But a number of people from town had told
him they had been turned away at the main road when they had tried to visit
with no advance warning. He had finally
sent word, via Dr. Mason, asking that anyone wanting to visit should call
first. That had solved the problem,
however it did sharply curtail visitors. Which made the unexpected arrival of someone all the more surprising.
Benton rose
and moved toward the front door just as Mrs. Evans came out of the dining
room. He waved at her, saying "It's all
right. I'll take care of it." But before he could do anything else he
heard the distinctive sound of a key in the lock, the door swung open and Race
Bannon stood framed in the doorway. For
an instant they stood staring at each other. Benton didn't remember moving, but one minute he was standing in the
family room doorway and the next the two men were in the center of the
entryway, laughing, slapping each other on the back, and babbling incoherently.
Suddenly,
Benton stopped, looking around in fear. "Jonny . . . ?"
"He's coming,"
Race assured him. "He's paying off the
cab." The young man that appeared in
the doorway suddenly was a shock to Benton. There was a gauntness to him that spoke of too many sleepless nights and
experiences that would live with him for the rest of his life. And the haunted look in his eyes was
indescribable. Benton reached out to
his son and he clung tightly to his father for an instant.
"JONNY!!!" Jessie appeared, seemingly from nowhere, and flung herself at the young
man. He wrapped his arms around her,
alternatively hugging and kissing her repeatedly. Benton stood back, grinning, waiting to see how long it would
take for the change to register. At his
shoulder he heard Race's sudden sharp intake of breath. Benton looked at him, still grinning widely,
put his finger to his lips and shook his head. Finally, Race also stared to smile.
When the
realization finally dawned, Jonny grasped Jessie by the shoulders and set her
back at arms length staring at her in growing distress. "Jess, when . . . how . . . Oh, God. I wasn't here for you . . . "
She shook
loose from his grasp and slid back into his arms, holding him tightly. "It's okay, Jonny." She looked up at him. "Is it over?" He nodded. "Then it
doesn't matter." She stepped back,
grasped his hand and said softly, "Come and meet your son and daughter." She led him up the stairs to their
apartment. Benton and Race followed.
Jessie led him
to the nursery and up to the cribs. Jonny stood staring down at the two tiny individuals. One child lay on
its stomach, sucking its thumb, sleeping peacefully. The other lay on its back, wide awake, gazing up at him from
beautiful green eyes. He leaned over
and stared at the child in awe. He
reached down with a hesitant hand and touched the tiny fist that waved at
him. The child reached out and grasped
his finger. "Your daughter Rachel," said
Jessie's soft voice.
He stood
there, unmoving, too stunned to say or do anything. Jessie leaned over and picked up the child. She turned and placed her in her father's
arms. Jonny turned to Race, the child
cradled carefully against him. He
looked from the child to the older man. In a choked voice, he said to him, "My daughter . . . " In that instant, Jessie thought her father
was going to cry. He reached out a
tender hand and captured the tiny fist, smiling at the child in wonder. Rachel stretched and cooed softly.
Jessie reached
down and picked up the second child. He
woke and stared at his mother, yawning mightily. Jonny passed Rachel to Race and turned back to Jessie. She handed the baby to his father, saying
gently, "And this is your son, Jonny, Jr." He looked up at her sharply. She
shook her head at him. "Don't start . .
. his name is Jonathan Roger Quest, Jr. Just live with it!"
As Jonny
stared down at his son, Benton was struck by how much alike they seemed. They gazed at each other with the same blue
eyes. He thought they almost had the
same expression on their faces. He
almost laughed out loud.
Jonny stood
quietly for a long time simply looking from Rachel to Jonny, Jr. Finally he looked at Jessie and said
simply, "They're beautiful."
She
smiled. "Yes, they are. And they are very glad their Daddy is home."
He looked at
her and smiled. "Their Daddy is very
glad to be here."
Later that
night Jonny and Jessie lay together in their bed talking quietly. Jonny had told her all that had happened
while he and Race were gone. She had
listened without question or comment. When he told her about the memories of that night returning she was
silent, but he suddenly felt a warm wetness on his chest. He stroked her hair gently. "Don't cry, Jess. It's only right that I should remember it. It's not fair that you should bear these
memories alone."
"I would
rather you never had to know. I knew
you would blame yourself. I would have
kept silent and never told anyone. I
still don't understand how you found out."
He propped
himself up on one elbow and looked down at her. The light from the sitting room shone softly into their room
turning her hair to fire. He could see
the tracks of her tears and the haunted look in her eyes. "Keeping this to yourself would have been
wrong, Jess. It would have destroyed
you . . . would have destroyed all of us. As hard as it's been, it's better out in the open where we can deal with
it." He was silent for a while looking
down at her.
"When my
father first told me what I had done, I denied it. I told him I would never do something like that. I said you were only saying that to try and
shift the blame for your mistakes off on to me. But I knew it wasn't true, because in my heart, I knew you would
never do something like that. I could
sooner accept that somehow I had been forced into hurting you than I could
accept that you would do something like that to me. And I despised myself. I
thought that no matter what Surd had done, I should have been able to resist .
. . it should never have been possible to force me into doing what I did. What I discovered when I got those memories
back was that I did realize what he was doing to me and I did try and fight
back. That I lost that fight is something
I may never forgive myself for, but at least now I know I did try." He reached out and caressed her cheek
gently. "I love you, Jess. It's almost frightening how much. And I look at our kids and I'm stunned that
something so perfect and so beautiful could have come from something so ugly .
. . "
She reached up
and caught his hand. Hesitantly, she
said, "I can't tell you that it wasn't awful, because it was. But I knew that night, when it was
happening, that something wasn't right. And when you denied ever having been with me . . . "
"Hush. It doesn't matter . . . "
"Yes, it
does. Jonny, how did you know? I need to know how you found out the
truth. I didn't say anything until I
knew I was pregnant and no one suspected anything until then. And once everyone knew, it was so
awful." He could see her shaking. He sat up, gathered her in his arms and held
her. "Everyone was so angry and my Dad
hated you so much. Everyone was
screaming at each other . . . I didn't
know which way to turn . . . and then suddenly you came to me and you KNEW . .
. and . . . "
Jonny
sighed. "It was Hadji. Hadji found out and when he did he couldn't
believe there wasn't some underlying cause. So he went looking and found the viruses in QuestWorld that caused the
whole thing. And then he told my
Dad. And my Dad told Race. And me."
She stirred in
his arms and looked up at him. "But how
did Hadji know? I never told anyone. The most I ever did was . . . " She trailed off, staring at him. Finally, she whispered, "He stole my journal
. . . ?!?"
"He was
scared. Everything was going to
hell. Race was ready to kill me at one
point. And you were the only one who
knew what was going on. And you were
going downright catatonic . . . he was even afraid you might be suicidal. And so he broke in and took a copy of
it. If it's any consolation, I think
the knowledge of what he did still keeps him awake nights."
"How much of
it did he take?"
"From just
before the rape to the day you told me you were pregnant."
"And he gave
it to you." It was a statement, not a
question.
"Yes. Although I practically had to pry it out of
him. He didn't want to."
She covered
her face with her hands and he could tell she was crying again. He held her tightly, stroking her hair, until
she had cried herself out. Finally, in
a hoarse voice, he heard her say, "It explains so much . . . "
He eased his
grip and looked at her. Gently he wiped
her face with his hand, drying her tears. "What?"
"Why you were
so obsessed. Why you had to go after
Julia. Why you could never get past any
of it. I thought it was because you
couldn't remember it happening. When it
was actually that all you had were my nightmares . . . . my horrors. There was no balance . . . "
"What balance
could there have been for what I did?"
She looked at
him. "The balance you found. That there was nothing you could have done
to prevent it. Even though you tried. Any more than I could have prevented trying
to kill my Dad." She touched his
face. "Jonny . . . " she paused, and
then softly changed it and said, "Jon . . . what happened to the copy of the
journal Hadji gave you?"
He closed his
eyes, unable to look at her. "I still
have it."
"Give it back
to me."
"Why?"
"Because I'm
going to destroy it. All copies of
it. It was the ravings of a temporarily
demented mind. And I won't have it
causing us grief ever again."
"Jess . . . "
"Give it back
to me, Jon, please."
"All right."
She stroked
his face gently. "Thank you. It's over. Forever. You said it earlier . .
. all we have left is the perfect and the beautiful. And that's not bad."
He looked
deeply into her eyes for a long time and finally said, "No, that's not all I
have left . . . not yet. Jess, I have
to go back to counseling again."
"Then we'll
both go."
He thought
about that for a while, then shook his head. "Not right away. Let me go
first. I'm not sure I'm ready to have
you exposed to what's in my head right now."
"It wouldn't
matter to me . . . "
"No."
"Then whenever
you're ready. All you have to do is
tell me."
She felt a
shudder pass through his body and he sighed deeply. "I'm so lucky . . . " He
tightened his grip around her again and had just started to kiss her when the
sound of a child's cry interrupted them.
Jessie sighed. "That sounds like your son."
"My son? My son was supposed to be named Roger."
She grinned at
him as she climbed out of bed. "Your
next son can be named Roger. My son
was going to be named after his father."
Jon followed
her to the nursery as a second lusty voice joined the first. "Just as long as no one calls him 'Junior'!"