Title: Losing it All
By: Ti'kara
Summary: Ishaia is a 15 year old girl living on a starship, when her family is killed, who's gonna come to the rescue?
Seska looked at him, "um, it's about Ishaia's injuries. There is something I didn't want to tell you in front of her," she said. Chakotay raised his eyebrows. "She's been raped, Chakotay, more than once. In fact from the scan I'd say multiple times."
He nodded, "Thanks, Seska."
"I'm going to have to treat those injuries also," she told him, "and I don't think it would be a good idea for her to be awake while I do it. I'd like to sedate her."
Chakotay nodded, "I'll tell her." "Ishaia," he said, walking back to the bio bed, "Seska is going to give you some medicine to make you go to sleep so that you can get some rest."
"No, please, I don't want to go to sleep. They might come back." I cried.
Chakotay smiled as he took my hand again. "Ishaia, the Cardassians are not coming back. Their ship is too badly damaged for it to go anywhere."
"Are you sure?" My voice trembled as I spoke, "I mean there are other ships aren't there?"
"Yes, there are," he replied, "but that isn't your problem, it's mine. I'll take care of it and you."
"But…." I started.
Chakotay interrupted me, "no arguments. This is my decision and I've made it." He spoke firmly.
"Will you be here when I wake up?" I asked.
He smiled, "I promise you I will." He nodded to Seska who applied a hypo to my neck. In a minute or less I was asleep. Chakotay turned walking to the door, "I'll be on the bridge. Notify me before she wakes up."
As Chakotay walked to the bridge he shook his head. He was angry, how could anyone do that to a child, he thought. She is so frightened I'm not sure how to help. Walking onto the bridge he asked Tuvok, "Anything to report?"
"No sir," Tuvok replied. "There are no ships within scanner range and we are at warp two approximately fifteen hours from our rendezvous. We are going to be over an hour late, Captain."
"Increase speed to warp four," he ordered, "and I'll take over now. Go get some food and rest."
"Aye, sir," Tuvok left the bridge. Chakotay sat at the helm watching the stars go by, thinking about the meeting ahead. He hoped it would go well. They needed this plan to work.
"How is she?" B'Elanna asked him.
"Mmmm?" He looked over at her questioning.
"The girl, how is she?"
"Oh, Seska's treating her now. Physically she'll heal, but emotionally I don't know," he answered her. "They really hurt her."
"I know what they can be like," B'Elanna nodded remembering her own experience with them.
"The thing is I don't know how to help her," Chakotay told her. "She's so frightened and she doesn't want me to leave her for a minute."
"That's understandable," B'Elanna replied. "You're the one who rescued her. She probably doesn't feel safe with anyone else. I'd suggest you just give her time and trust your instincts, Chakotay, they've always worked for you before."
Hours later Chakotay sat thinking in the infirmary waiting for Ishaia to wake up. "Chakotay to Henney."
"Yes sir," came the response.
"I need you to prepare quarters for our guest as close to mine as you can," Chakotay ordered.
"Yes sir," Henney answered. I woke up wondering where I was.
Looking around the events of the last day came back to me and I sat up crying out, "Chakotay!"
"I'm right here," he replied walking over to the bio bed.
"I was afraid you weren't going to be here," I said shaking.
"I said I would be, and I always keep my promises," Chakotay said. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," I answered, "but my hand's throbbing."
"Here," he said, "I can take care of that," picking up a hypo and giving me some medicine. "Better?"
"Much," I nodded. Looking at my hand I noticed that someone had put a splint on it, probably Seska.
"Think you can get up?" Chakotay asked me.
I nodded, "I think so." Chakotay held out his hand and helped me off the bed.
"Hungry?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," I answered surprised.
"Well come with me and we'll get something to eat."
Walking up to the replicater in the mess hall Chakotay asked, "what would you like?"
"Lorileke Stew," I told him.
"I don't think we have that in the computer," he said.
"Oh, well then I guess you'd better choose something. You probably don't have any Inari dishes in the computer."
"Probably not," Chakotay smiled, "how about a hamburger?"
"Ok," I said. Chakotay took the food and led me to a table. I turned to follow and bumped into someone. He caught me before I could fall. Jerking away, I shouted, "don't touch me."
"Excuse me," the man said.
Chakotay stepped over, "Is there a problem, Tuvok?"
"I do not know, sir. I was merely trying to keep her from falling."
Chakotay looked at me, "Ishaia?"
"I'm sorry," I told the man, "I...." I broke off and started running to the door tears blinding me.
"Ishaia," Chakotay called, "Ishaia, wait." But I kept running out the door and down the hall.
Chakotay put down the tray he was carrying and hastily went after her. He found her down the hall leaning against the wall crying. Putting his arm around her shoulders he asked gently, "What's wrong honey?"
I shook my head, "I don't want to talk about it," I sobbed.
Chakotay nodded, "come with me," he said. Keeping his arm around me he guided me down the hall. Coming to a door he ushered me into a room saying, "these are your quarters." Leading me to the bunk he suggested I sit down. I sat down feeling like the whole universe was coming to an end. Or maybe just wishing it would. Chakotay sat on the only chair in the small room. "Ishaia, I understand that it is hard to talk about what happened, but, keeping it all bottled up isn't going to help. You need to talk about it so that you can work through it."
"What are you, the ship's counselor?" I asked sarcastically.
He nodded, smiling, "The only one available, I'm afraid." He ignored my sarcasm. I felt miserable; I didn't normally talk that way to people. Manua would have been ashamed if she had heard that. I knew I should apologize but I was too upset.
"I don't need a counselor," I said sharply.
"How about a friend then?" Chakotay asked.
I looked at him surprised; "I don't have any! All my friends are dead!" I shouted at him, how could he be so callous?
"I'd like to be your friend," he said gently, ignoring my anger.
"Why don't you just go away? I want to be left alone," I told him.
"Too bad," he said, "I'm not leaving you alone when you're this upset."
I took a deep breath, "I'm not upset," I lied. Manua would have been really shocked, Inari don't tell lies, but at this point I didn't care. I felt totally out of control, terrified and alone. My whole family had been killed on the E'shayla. I had no one. No one to care about me or who could even begin to understand what I'd been through.
"Ishaia, don't lie to me," Chakotay said sharply. "I will never lie to you, and I expect you to be honest with me also." Suddenly I was ashamed, he had been so kind to me and I was treating him badly.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"Accepted," he said smiling.
"It's just…." I trailed off.
"Go on," he urged me, "I'm listening."
"I don't know how to explain or even what to say. My whole world is falling apart and feel I completely alone. Everyone is dead and I don't know what to do or where to go." I started crying again. Chakotay sat down next to me and put his arm around me.
"You are not alone, Ishaia," he said. "I'm here and for now you don't need to worry about where you'll go. When the time comes we'll figure something out. Do you have any relatives?"
I shook my head; "they're all dead."
"What about your parents? Were they on the E'shayla with you?" He asked.
"My father died two years ago in a battle," I told him.
"And your mother?" I started trembling and broke into sobs, seeing my mother's and sister's death in my head again. I nodded my head.
"The Cardassians killed her and Ma'adry," I cried. Chakotay pulled me gently against his chest sensitively brushing my hair off my face.
"Cry it out, honey," he said softly. "It's going to be all right, just have a good cry," as he compassionately rocked me. Gradually the tears stopped and I just lay against his chest-feeling safe and protected. Chakotay put his hands on my shoulders and eased me back. I sat looking at my hands feeling drained and he reached out with his finger and tipped my chin up. Looking at me he carefully wiped the tears off my face. "Better?" He asked.
"Yes," I whispered back, "a little."
He smiled, "good, now how about that food?"
I shook my head, "I'm too tired to eat," I said softly.
"Ok," he said, "I'll let you get to bed. If you need me just call and I'll come. My quarters are right across the hall."
I jumped up, "Chakotay, please don't leave me alone," I pleaded. "I know I'm being a bother but I'm afraid."
Chakotay came back in the room; "you aren't being a bother, Ishaia. What are you afraid of?"
"I…I can't talk about it," I stammered turning my back.
Taking me by the shoulders he turned me around, "honey," he said quietly, "I can't help if you don't talk to me." I looked at him, seeing the compassion on his face.
"I can't," I choked in anguish.
"Ok, what if I get Seska to stay with you will that help?" He asked me patiently. I stood there I didn't want Seska. I didn't want anyone else but I realized I was causing a lot of trouble. Chakotay was the Captain of this ship. I couldn't keep monopolizing his time.
"No," I answered, "I'll be all right. I can call you if I need you?"
"Of course you can, anytime. And Ishaia, I mean anytime," Chakotay responded, "but are you sure?"
"Yes, I am," I told him not exactly truthfully.
"Well all right, good night Ishaia."
"Good night, Chakotay or should I call you Captain?" I answered.
He smiled, "Chakotay's fine."
After he left, I dropped back onto the bed. I was trembling and trying not to think about what had happened on the E'shayla. I wasn't doing a very good job, but I was trying. I lay down on the bed pulling the cover over me, said "computer, lights out," and tried to go to sleep. I tossed and turned my mind a jumble of images. Everything that had happened that day was running around in my head. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Finally, I dropped off to sleep.
I woke up with a start, crying out as I sat up in bed. My heart was pounding and sweat was pouring down my face. I had been dreaming but it was like it was happening. Shaking, I cried wanting to call Chakotay, but I was afraid he wouldn't come. "Chakotay," I cried out, knowing that he couldn't here me. I had never felt so alone in my life.
"Ishaia?" It was Chakotay's voice.
"Chakotay?" I cried.
"Yes," he answered, "I'll be right there." I couldn't believe it, how had he heard me?
A minute later the door opened and Chakotay came in. He walked over to the bed and sat down. "Can't sleep?" He asked.
I shook my head; "I had a bad dream. The worst dream I ever had, only it wasn't really a dream. It happened."
"Do you want to tell me about it?" He asked. I shook my head. Chakotay hesitated, but he decided that it had to be brought into the open. "Ishaia, were you raped?" I gasped and started to shake me head but the expression on his face stopped me. He showed such caring and concern and I remembered what he'd said about never lying to him. Slowly I nodded my head and burst into tears again.
"Ishaia, come here," he said as he drew me into his arms, cradling my head against his chest. "It will be all right and so will you. It will take time but you will be able to get past this."
"How do you know?" I sobbed.
"Trust me, honey, I know, but you are going to have to stop trying to bury it. If you keep it all inside you it will take you longer to heal," he replied. "You need to talk about it to someone. Would it be easier for you to talk to a woman rather than to me?"
"NO! I don't want anyone else to know and I only feel safe with you. I know you're busy and I'm sorry I'm being such a pain but I need YOU! Oh, I'm so ashamed," I wailed.
"Ishaia, you are not being a pain," Chakotay replied, "and I am not too busy to be here for you. I told you I'm your friend and friends help one another. I am here for you anytime you need me, you only have to ask. And there is nothing for you to be ashamed about. None of this is your fault."
"I shouldn't have let them."
"Honey, how could you have stopped them?" He asked.
"I should have fought harder!" I shouted pushing away from him I stood up. My hand clenched into a fist.
"From your injuries, I'd say you fought very hard," Chakotay said.
"Obviously not hard enough," I responded.
"Ishaia, how old are you?"
"15, why?" I answered.
"These were grown men, how do you honestly think you could have stopped them? How many were there?" He continued.
"I'm not sure," I replied. "Five or six."
"Oh, sweetheart, you didn't have a chance. Stop feeling guilty and ashamed you couldn't have stopped them. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you understand?"
"But…" I started. I felt two hands on my shoulders and he turned me around to face him. Putting his finger under my chin he lifted my head up and looked at my face.
"No buts," He interrupted, "Do you understand?" I nodded my head. "Believe me?"
"Are you just trying to make me feel better?" I asked him.
"I told you I would never lie to you, and I won't, not even to make you feel better." He answered. "The question is 'do you believe me?'"
I nodded, "I believe you, Chakotay."
He smiled, "good. Now, would you like to talk some more or go back to bed?"
"Actually," I hesitated.
"What?" He asked.
"Well, Ummm…" I broke off.
"Ishaia, what is it." I looked at him, not sure if I should ask. I felt I was being a bother even though he said I wasn't. I couldn't read his mind to see if he meant it. After all, it was illegal to read a non-telepaths mind without their permission. Chakotay noticed my hesitation. "You can ask me anything, Ishaia. If I can't do it I'll tell you."
"Well then, I'm hungry. We never did get that food." I blurted out.
Chakotay laughed, "Oh Ishaia, of course we can get something to eat. Let's go to the mess hall.
Later, in the mess hall, after we had our food, Chakotay said, "tell me a little about yourself, for instance, where are you from?"
"Inar," I answered. "That's a planet in the Miltar System. We're a member world of The Alliance of Planetary Governments or Alliance for short. My parents were with the Alliance Defense Forces or ADF. My father was Chief Engineer on the E'shayla before he was killed in a battle with the Lenetii and my mother was the Captain." My voice started to shake and I blinked trying to stop the tears. Chakotay reached out and placed a hand over mine.
"I'm sorry about your mother and sister, he said softly.
I summoned up a ghost of a smile, "thanks. I haven't thanked you for rescuing me and helping me so much. I don't think I would have survived if it hadn't been for you."
"You are welcome, Ishaia. I 'm glad I could help. I'm just glad we heard your ships distress call," he answered. Chakotay carefully steered the conversation back to my background. "Where did you live on Inar?"
"Actually, I didn't live there."
Chakotay looked puzzled, "but I thought you said you were from Inar?"
I laughed, "Well, not exactly I guess. I was born on an ADF Starship. But, my parents were both from Inar; so, the Alliance considers that to be my home planet also. Actually, while I've visited Inar, I have never lived there. We've always lived on board ship, wherever my parents have been posted. I didn't always live with both of them, though. They weren't always stationed together."
"Sounds a lot like Starfleet," Chakotay laughed.
I smiled, "that's the Federation, isn't it?"
"That's right. Oh, I almost forgot to give this to you." He handed me an emblem like the one he wore. "Place this on the right side of your shirt. It's a communications badge. Press it and say 'Ishaia to whoever' and the computer will connect you to the right person. Understand?"
I nodded. "OK, it's my turn to ask the questions," I said, placing the comm. badge on my jumper. "What ship is this, anyway?"
"The Liberty," he answered, smiling.
"Well, I know you can't be Starfleet, so just who are you?"
"Maquis," he replied.
"Well, that explains how you were able to take on a Cardassian ship and win." I paused, thinking and took a bite of my food. "What's going to happen to me now?" I asked him.
"We have an important rendezvous in several hours. Then a mission we can't afford to miss. After that, we will try to find a way to get you to a space port where we can find a ship to take you home," he told me.
"But, I don't have a home. My home was the E'shayla. And I don't have anyone to go to on Inar."
"Doesn't the government have ways of finding homes for orphans? Most governments do."
"I guess so." I sat looking out the window at the stars. I really felt lost and while Chakotay was very kind and caring I missed the contact of other minds. Being on board a ship without telepaths was strange. I wasn't used to not being able to share my thoughts with my family and friends. Carrying on a conversation only verbally was somewhat empty. Words alone just didn't carry the same meaning.
"A penny for your thoughts," Chakotay interrupted my musings.
"What?" I asked, confused. "I don't understand."
"It's an old human expression," he explained. "It's a way of asking 'what are you thinking about?'"
"Oh! I was just thinking how quiet it is here."
"Well it is the middle of our sleep cycle," Chakotay said.
"No, I don't mean that. It's not hearing other minds. It makes me feel Mmmm, lonely." I explained.
"Hearing other minds?" Chakotay asked. "Are you telepathic?"
"Yes," I answered simply. "All Inari are to some degree.
"Can't you read non-telepath's minds?"
"Of course I can, easy," I responded. "It's only that Inari law forbids reading a non-telepath's mind without their permission except under specific conditions."
"What conditions?" He asked.
"Well, like if your life or the life of another is in danger. The examiners in a criminal investigation with a warrant from a judge can, also. The Commanding Officer of a starship can order it. The CO would then take responsibility for the legality of the reading. Also, if you receive an extremely strong emotion through your shields you can check to see if someone needs help, in fact you're required to. People have been known to call for help over great distances with telepathy."
"I see," said Chakotay, "that's very inter…" The ship suddenly rocked and there was the sound of an explosion.
"Chakotay to the bridge." Said a voice.
"Report!" Chakotay snapped.
"We're under fire from a Cardassian cruiser." The voice responded.
"I'm on my way," he replied. "Ishaia, go to your quarters," he said as he walked to the door.
"Yes sir," I replied to what had been clearly and order. I left the room and headed for my quarters.