Title: I Will Always Believe (1/1)
Author: Evil Willow
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Graduation Day II
Keywords: Buffy/Angel, ANGST
Distribution: My site and all list archives. Also any others that already
have standing permission, may archive this if they wish. Anyone who doesn't
have permission, just email me to ask. I'll always say yes!
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, the
WB, Fox, et al.
Summary: Angel decides his disappearing act into the smoke was unfair to
Buffy.
Author's Notes1: Alternating POV's, between Buffy and Angel.
Author's Notes2: I'm in a rather depressed mood, so I thought about a B/A
angsty song-fic, but then changed my mind. Instead, this is only based
on the song "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. The lyrics are at the end of the fic.
Dedications: To Dru for beta'ing this for me. Also to all the kind people who
send me feedback, you guys keep me writing!
**************************
"Buffy, are you sure you're okay?"
"Hm?" I look over at Willow. She insisted on walking me home after we stopped
the Ascension. We started walking and I forgot she was there. I can't think
about anything right now except one.. foot... in front ... of ... the other.
That's about all I can handle. It's enough, though, because it keeps me from
thinking about how he walked away like that. Just like that. Two years. All
gone. Nothing but the memory of him walking away without even saying goodbye.
I'd be better off if I could hate him.
"Buffy?"
Oh yeah. Willow. I look over at her and shrug. "I'm fine. I just need to
sleep." I can see it in her eyes, she doesn't believe me. She probably saw
how he left, too.
"Okay."
God, I'm so glad she's going to just pretend I'm not lying. I give her a
small smile and we finally arrive at my door. "I'll see you later, Will."
"All right, Buffy. You know if you need anything--"
"I'll call you, I promise." I love her for worrying but at the same time, I
really need to be alone. Nervous breakdown Buffy is clamoring to get free and
I'd prefer solitude for that.
"Okay..." She hesitates. "Bye."
Finally.
I shut the door and lock it, with a sigh of relief. At least I have the house
to myself. I walk upstairs to my room and change into my pajamas.
As I curl up in bed, part of me is amazed that I'm still so calm.
Angel's gone.
That doesn't provoke any reaction from me. Shouldn't it? Why am I not crying?
Maybe it just isn't real yet.
Yeah, that must be it. I can't bring myself to believe I'm not going to go to
the mansion tomorrow evening and see him sitting there reading. Same as
always.
I can't believe he won't be there. If he's gone, then what did I save him
for? So he could tear my heart out, stomp on it, then hand it back to me and
make an exit from my life?
It's not right. He wouldn't do that to me.
Would he?
Then I let myself remember earlier this evening. He just looked at me then
turned and walked away.
I know the truth.
He would.
He did.
Damn him for making me love him and then leaving now when I can't live
without him!
Now I'm crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so much. I think I never understood
what a broken heart was until tonight. Not even when I sent Angel to Hell. At
least back then, I could tell myself that I had to let him go for the sake of
the rest of the world.
But now? Now there's no reason for all this pain. Well, there is a reason,
but it makes the pain even more unbearable. The only reason I can come up
with is that he doesn't love me anymore, because otherwise he would try to
make this work. And I can't take the pain. It's not going to get better, it's
just going to get worse. I'm never going to see Angel again, and I don't want
to be in a world without him in it.
Why couldn't I have just died during the fight with the Mayor?
"Buffy?"
I'm not going to open my eyes, because I know it's just my evil imagination
playing a cruel trick on me. He's not here. He's gone and he's not coming
back. He doesn't love me anymore.
"Baby, please."
I open my eyes and I realize I wasn't imagining things. Angel is standing
there next to my bed. And when I see all the pain in his eyes, I know. He
still loves me. And that makes me cry even harder. I can't talk, I can't
move, it hurts so much. If I could do those things, I'd get on my knees and
beg him not to leave me. I need you so much, Angel. Please.
He sits on the bed next to me and pulls me into his lap. I go willingly and
bury my face against his chest. Angel just holds me in his strong arms. And
this is what I needed. He always knows, without me saying a word, just what I
need. Why do I have to lose the one person who can always comfort me when no
one else can?
"Sssh, Sweetheart, it'll be all right, I promise," he whispers into my ear.
And God help me, but I believe him even though I should be calling him a liar.
I felt Buffy's pain when I was packing. I tried so hard to ignore it, but I
couldn't. We're so interconnected, we always have been. I know that we always
will be. I could run thousands of miles away from Buffy and I would still
feel her inside me. She's my reason for living, for loving. She is everything.
And I felt something else, in the way she looked at me when I walked away
earlier tonight: I made her doubt how much I love her. How could I do that to
her? I can't let her doubt that. Buffy has to know that this isn't about her.
So I came to Buffy's house to talk to her. But when I snuck into her room
through her window and saw her, it broke my heart. I didn't want to hurt her
like this. I feel like I'm being pulled in two. But I can't just let her deal
with this alone. Not when I'm the cause.
I didn't realize I spoke until Buffy looked at me. So much for the attempt to
act strong and unaffected, because now I'm crying and she's crying. But I see
it in her eyes at least. She understands, without me having to explain. She
knows that I don't love her any less than I did on the day I met her. And
that's all that matters. Because knowing that has to help her a little,
doesn't it? God, I hope so.
As I pull her into my arms, I feel how I always do when we're like this. This
is the only time I feel like I'm home. Usually I feel so alone, but when
we're together, I feel loved, wanted and needed. And just holding Buffy in my
arms, I believe that things will work out. So I say something to that effect
and she just holds me tighter. But those weren't just empty words. I wouldn't
really be able to walk away if I didn't have hope that we'd find our way back
together again someday.
I'm getting Angel's shirt all wet, but he doesn't seem to care. He's crying
too, as he tells me how much he loves me. I really needed to hear that. I
know it doesn't change anything. I know he's leaving. But he loves me. And
that's all that matters right now.
"I'm so sorry, Buffy," Angel whispers. "I'm sorry I can't make everything the
way it ought to be. Everytime I try to make it right, it all comes down on
me."
I pull away and brush the tears out of my eyes so I can look at him. "Angel,
I just want you."
"I won't let you settle, when you deserve so much more than me," he replies,
pushing a stray lock of hair out of my face.
"You can leave, but it won't make me stop loving you," I say firmly. "It
won't make me give up on you. You are so much more than you give yourself
credit for; I'll never change my mind about that."
Angel doesn't argue with me, thank God. He just pulls me close again and
whispers, "Thank you. I needed to hear that."
"It's true," I insist. "I love you."
"I love you too," he says.
I pull back and look into Angel's eyes. I'm so glad he's opened up a little.
For the first time in a very long time, when I look into his face, I can
actually see how he feels. I take a huge risk and move closer and he lets me.
Our lips meet in a gentle kiss and it's been so long since he kissed me.
I wish...
I wish for so many things, but they'll have to wait. I have to believe that
some day...
Some Day...
As we kiss, it hits me, hard, how much I'm losing. No one heals me like
Buffy. She holds the key to everything. My heart, my soul, my ability to
love. Walking away from her is the hardest thing I'll ever do. I know that if
I manage to keep myself alive after leaving, the memory of Hell will be a
good one in comparison with the memory of losing her.
If I ever reach a point when I feel like I deserve her again... if she still
wants me ... I will never turn away from her again.
I can taste my tears and his as we kiss. I finally pull away and rest my head
on his chest. I'm so afraid; I know that any minute now he's going to say
those words: 'I should go.' I don't know how I'm going to be able to let him
go, though. I already feel like there's this huge weight on me, a weight that
only his love can lift. He makes everything all right. Angel makes me believe.
I shift on the bed and I feel her tense up. "It's okay, Buffy," I say,
soothingly. "I'm right here." I glance over at the clock, it's only ten. I
have every intention of getting to L.A. by dawn, but it's only a two hour
drive.
I can't believe I'm even contemplating this. it's just going to make it
harder to leave.
Buffy is still holding on to me like her life depends on it. I hate that I've
done this to her. I'd take a one-way trip to Hell if it would remove a little
of her pain. I don't give a damn about my pain, it's only what I deserve. But
she doesn't deserve any of this.
"Buffy, I need to--" she clutches me tighter and I sigh, "--get to L.A. by
dawn," I finish. She relaxes just a little. "I could stay here with you until
four. But If you think it's better if I just go go now, I will."
Six hours. Not long enough.
Two years wasn't long enough, either.
But there's no real question about what I want. I'll take every last minute
with Angel that he's willing to spend with me. Yes, it'll hurt when he goes,
but I know the pain will be worth it, because every minute with him is worth
it.
"Stay," I say.
I feel him nod. "Okay, then you think you can let me go just long enough to
get comfortable?"
Okay, Buffy. Remove the death grip on Angel. There, that wasn't so hard, was
it? I look up at him and he smiles. He moves to lean against the headboard,
my pillows behind him. I crawl up to curl up next to him. Now this is almost
perfect. It would be perfect, if only I didn't know it was just temporary.
This is right. It's one of the reasons I have to leave, though. I won't risk
letting him hurt her again.
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Buffy?" I reply.
"Can you tell me the real reason?"
Buffy is so much smarter than most people give her credit for. She knows that
the curse isn't the only reason I'm leaving. If it was, she'd be able to
convince me to stay, see if we could reverse the curse. "Two reasons," I
reply. "The first reason is what I said earlier, Buffy. You deserve so much.
A normal life, children, all those things that I can't give you."
"You really think you're the only thing keeping me from a normal life?" she
asks, looking up at me. "I'm the slayer, Angel. We don't get normal lives.
And I seriously doubt that I'm going to want to bring children into my world."
"You never know, Buffy," I shrug. "I have to believe that you'll get all
those things you deserve, someday."
"Well, one of those things is you," she says matter-of-factly.
I can't hide a small smile. God I love this woman. She makes me believe.
"The other reason?" she prompts.
"I feel like I have so much to make up for," I tell her. "Maybe I can be of
use in the fight against evil, some place where people don't have the slayer
to protect them. And if I can make a difference, maybe, someday..."
Maybe someday I'll feel like I truly deserve Buffy's love...
And maybe, if she still loves me...
If she can forgive me for leaving her...
Maybe, then, we can be together again.
I don't voice any of those thoughts, however, because I don't want Buffy to
wait for me. I want her to move on. I want her to be happy.
"Angel, look at me."
I comply and Buffy continues, "I know that you want me to move on and find
someone who can give me a 'normal life.' But even if I do find someone,
Angel, even though I don't see that happening, but I won't argue the point
with you. Even if I were to find someone, Angel, I will NEVER, EVER stop
loving you the way I do right now. You will always be in my heart."
I can't talk, because if I do I'll start crying like a baby. I needed to hear
those words. Because the truth is it kills me to think of some other man
holding Buffy and kissing her. She's mine. And even though I won't ask her to
wait, I need to believe that she won't stop loving me. Even if it's not true,
I'll believe it.
"So, since we've got that established," she says, "Promise me something?"
"I'll try," I whisper.
"If, someday, you make enough of a difference to make peace with yourself,
find me."
"Buffy--"
"No, just listen," she frowns. "Even if I'm with someone, Angel, even if
you've moved on or I've moved on, or both of us have moved on, come tell me
at least. After everything we've been to each other, I'll want to know. I'll
want to know that you've finally found the peace that you deserve. Promise."
I sigh. She always manages to make too much sense. "Okay," I agree. "I
promise."
She smiles easier and curls up against me again.
**********
We've talked for four hours and it's two a.m now. I can't believe the time
has gone by so quickly. It's not enough time, but it was enough to say the
things we needed to say. There won't be any bitterness or misunderstandings
now. I think we both feel a little more hope for the future than we did
earlier tonight, too.
Buffy wants to sleep, I can tell. But she's fighting it. "Why don't you try
to sleep?" I suggest.
"No," she clutches me tighter.
She must be thinking I'm going to disappear while she's asleep. "I promise
you that I will wake you up," I say.
She looks up at me, searching my face. She nods, finally, as she tries to
stifle a yawn. "Okay." She rests her head against my chest again and I hold
her close. Soon I hear her breathing and heart beat slowing. I'm so tired
myself.
I reach over to her alarm clock and set it for three-thirty. I'll just sleep
for a little while.
**********
"Buffy?"
I know why he's trying to wake me, but I can't open my eyes. I can't let him
go.
"Please look at me," he requests.
I open my eyes finally and tilt my head back to meet his eyes. "I know," I
sigh. It wasn't enough time. He eases me off him and I sit up.
I wish... No, Angel. No more what ifs. You're doing this for a reason, three
to be exact. It's time to be strong now. I sit up and glance at the clock.
It's three fifty-nine. I woke thirty minutes ago and just concentrated on the
way it felt to hold Buffy. I don't know when I'll be doing that again.
Stop it now, or you'll never make it out of this house.
I look over at her and she looks surprisingly okay. Better than she did
earlier when I first came into her room. I take her face in my hands and say,
"Never forget Buffy Summers, I love you."
I kiss the tears from her cheeks and then kiss her lips one last time.
He loves me. I believe that. It's all I have to hold onto right now, I'll
always hold onto it. Until he comes back. I believe that he will, too. If I
didn't, I'd jump in front of a speeding car.
When he pulls away, I attempt a smile and say, "I love you too Angel."
He smiles back and releases me. I somehow make myself let go of him. He
stands and says, "If you ever need me, Buffy--"
"I'll call you," I reply. He gave me his cellphone number earlier, it's
tucked away in the pages of my diary. I'll only use it in case of
emergencies, but it means a lot that he gave it to me.
"Okay," he says. He opens his mouth again but I cut him off.
"Don't say it. I WILL see you again."
I nod, I can let myself believe that for now. It wouldn't make sense for us
to find the love we have and then lose it forever. Fate can be cruel, but it
can't be that cruel. Maybe to me, but not to Buffy. This isn't good-bye, not
forever anyway.
I walk to her window and turn back to look at her one last time. No, not one
last time. Just one more time.
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Baby?"
"Always," she says with a smile as the tears well up in her eyes.
I nod and have to turn away or I'll never get out of here. I can't hold back
my own tears as I climb out of her window and go out to my car.
As I watch him leave again, I can't stop the tears from falling. I hold my
pillow against my chest and listen to his car drive off. It hurts... but not
as badly as it did earlier tonight. Because at least he let me know. He still
loves me. He believes that we'll find a way to be together again, someday.
And if he believes that, then I'll believe it too. I will always believe.
I get into the driver's seat and start driving before I can talk myself out
of it. I can do this. I can do this because I believe in us. We'll find each
other again, someday. Until then, we'll hold onto the memory of our love. The
love that we share isn't something that everybody finds. Our love will
withstand whatever time we have to spend apart. It will last forever.
I believe.
I will always believe.
*****************
The End
I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be all right
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is all right
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
Author: Evil Willow
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Graduation Day II
Keywords: Buffy/Angel, ANGST
Distribution: My site and all list archives. Also any others that already
have standing permission, may archive this if they wish. Anyone who doesn't
have permission, just email me to ask. I'll always say yes!
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, the
WB, Fox, et al.
Summary: Angel decides his disappearing act into the smoke was unfair to
Buffy.
Author's Notes1: Alternating POV's, between Buffy and Angel.
Author's Notes2: I'm in a rather depressed mood, so I thought about a B/A
angsty song-fic, but then changed my mind. Instead, this is only based
on the song "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. The lyrics are at the end of the fic.
Dedications: To Dru for beta'ing this for me. Also to all the kind people who
send me feedback, you guys keep me writing!
**************************
"Buffy, are you sure you're okay?"
"Hm?" I look over at Willow. She insisted on walking me home after we stopped
the Ascension. We started walking and I forgot she was there. I can't think
about anything right now except one.. foot... in front ... of ... the other.
That's about all I can handle. It's enough, though, because it keeps me from
thinking about how he walked away like that. Just like that. Two years. All
gone. Nothing but the memory of him walking away without even saying goodbye.
I'd be better off if I could hate him.
"Buffy?"
Oh yeah. Willow. I look over at her and shrug. "I'm fine. I just need to
sleep." I can see it in her eyes, she doesn't believe me. She probably saw
how he left, too.
"Okay."
God, I'm so glad she's going to just pretend I'm not lying. I give her a
small smile and we finally arrive at my door. "I'll see you later, Will."
"All right, Buffy. You know if you need anything--"
"I'll call you, I promise." I love her for worrying but at the same time, I
really need to be alone. Nervous breakdown Buffy is clamoring to get free and
I'd prefer solitude for that.
"Okay..." She hesitates. "Bye."
Finally.
I shut the door and lock it, with a sigh of relief. At least I have the house
to myself. I walk upstairs to my room and change into my pajamas.
As I curl up in bed, part of me is amazed that I'm still so calm.
Angel's gone.
That doesn't provoke any reaction from me. Shouldn't it? Why am I not crying?
Maybe it just isn't real yet.
Yeah, that must be it. I can't bring myself to believe I'm not going to go to
the mansion tomorrow evening and see him sitting there reading. Same as
always.
I can't believe he won't be there. If he's gone, then what did I save him
for? So he could tear my heart out, stomp on it, then hand it back to me and
make an exit from my life?
It's not right. He wouldn't do that to me.
Would he?
Then I let myself remember earlier this evening. He just looked at me then
turned and walked away.
I know the truth.
He would.
He did.
Damn him for making me love him and then leaving now when I can't live
without him!
Now I'm crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so much. I think I never understood
what a broken heart was until tonight. Not even when I sent Angel to Hell. At
least back then, I could tell myself that I had to let him go for the sake of
the rest of the world.
But now? Now there's no reason for all this pain. Well, there is a reason,
but it makes the pain even more unbearable. The only reason I can come up
with is that he doesn't love me anymore, because otherwise he would try to
make this work. And I can't take the pain. It's not going to get better, it's
just going to get worse. I'm never going to see Angel again, and I don't want
to be in a world without him in it.
Why couldn't I have just died during the fight with the Mayor?
"Buffy?"
I'm not going to open my eyes, because I know it's just my evil imagination
playing a cruel trick on me. He's not here. He's gone and he's not coming
back. He doesn't love me anymore.
"Baby, please."
I open my eyes and I realize I wasn't imagining things. Angel is standing
there next to my bed. And when I see all the pain in his eyes, I know. He
still loves me. And that makes me cry even harder. I can't talk, I can't
move, it hurts so much. If I could do those things, I'd get on my knees and
beg him not to leave me. I need you so much, Angel. Please.
He sits on the bed next to me and pulls me into his lap. I go willingly and
bury my face against his chest. Angel just holds me in his strong arms. And
this is what I needed. He always knows, without me saying a word, just what I
need. Why do I have to lose the one person who can always comfort me when no
one else can?
"Sssh, Sweetheart, it'll be all right, I promise," he whispers into my ear.
And God help me, but I believe him even though I should be calling him a liar.
I felt Buffy's pain when I was packing. I tried so hard to ignore it, but I
couldn't. We're so interconnected, we always have been. I know that we always
will be. I could run thousands of miles away from Buffy and I would still
feel her inside me. She's my reason for living, for loving. She is everything.
And I felt something else, in the way she looked at me when I walked away
earlier tonight: I made her doubt how much I love her. How could I do that to
her? I can't let her doubt that. Buffy has to know that this isn't about her.
So I came to Buffy's house to talk to her. But when I snuck into her room
through her window and saw her, it broke my heart. I didn't want to hurt her
like this. I feel like I'm being pulled in two. But I can't just let her deal
with this alone. Not when I'm the cause.
I didn't realize I spoke until Buffy looked at me. So much for the attempt to
act strong and unaffected, because now I'm crying and she's crying. But I see
it in her eyes at least. She understands, without me having to explain. She
knows that I don't love her any less than I did on the day I met her. And
that's all that matters. Because knowing that has to help her a little,
doesn't it? God, I hope so.
As I pull her into my arms, I feel how I always do when we're like this. This
is the only time I feel like I'm home. Usually I feel so alone, but when
we're together, I feel loved, wanted and needed. And just holding Buffy in my
arms, I believe that things will work out. So I say something to that effect
and she just holds me tighter. But those weren't just empty words. I wouldn't
really be able to walk away if I didn't have hope that we'd find our way back
together again someday.
I'm getting Angel's shirt all wet, but he doesn't seem to care. He's crying
too, as he tells me how much he loves me. I really needed to hear that. I
know it doesn't change anything. I know he's leaving. But he loves me. And
that's all that matters right now.
"I'm so sorry, Buffy," Angel whispers. "I'm sorry I can't make everything the
way it ought to be. Everytime I try to make it right, it all comes down on
me."
I pull away and brush the tears out of my eyes so I can look at him. "Angel,
I just want you."
"I won't let you settle, when you deserve so much more than me," he replies,
pushing a stray lock of hair out of my face.
"You can leave, but it won't make me stop loving you," I say firmly. "It
won't make me give up on you. You are so much more than you give yourself
credit for; I'll never change my mind about that."
Angel doesn't argue with me, thank God. He just pulls me close again and
whispers, "Thank you. I needed to hear that."
"It's true," I insist. "I love you."
"I love you too," he says.
I pull back and look into Angel's eyes. I'm so glad he's opened up a little.
For the first time in a very long time, when I look into his face, I can
actually see how he feels. I take a huge risk and move closer and he lets me.
Our lips meet in a gentle kiss and it's been so long since he kissed me.
I wish...
I wish for so many things, but they'll have to wait. I have to believe that
some day...
Some Day...
As we kiss, it hits me, hard, how much I'm losing. No one heals me like
Buffy. She holds the key to everything. My heart, my soul, my ability to
love. Walking away from her is the hardest thing I'll ever do. I know that if
I manage to keep myself alive after leaving, the memory of Hell will be a
good one in comparison with the memory of losing her.
If I ever reach a point when I feel like I deserve her again... if she still
wants me ... I will never turn away from her again.
I can taste my tears and his as we kiss. I finally pull away and rest my head
on his chest. I'm so afraid; I know that any minute now he's going to say
those words: 'I should go.' I don't know how I'm going to be able to let him
go, though. I already feel like there's this huge weight on me, a weight that
only his love can lift. He makes everything all right. Angel makes me believe.
I shift on the bed and I feel her tense up. "It's okay, Buffy," I say,
soothingly. "I'm right here." I glance over at the clock, it's only ten. I
have every intention of getting to L.A. by dawn, but it's only a two hour
drive.
I can't believe I'm even contemplating this. it's just going to make it
harder to leave.
Buffy is still holding on to me like her life depends on it. I hate that I've
done this to her. I'd take a one-way trip to Hell if it would remove a little
of her pain. I don't give a damn about my pain, it's only what I deserve. But
she doesn't deserve any of this.
"Buffy, I need to--" she clutches me tighter and I sigh, "--get to L.A. by
dawn," I finish. She relaxes just a little. "I could stay here with you until
four. But If you think it's better if I just go go now, I will."
Six hours. Not long enough.
Two years wasn't long enough, either.
But there's no real question about what I want. I'll take every last minute
with Angel that he's willing to spend with me. Yes, it'll hurt when he goes,
but I know the pain will be worth it, because every minute with him is worth
it.
"Stay," I say.
I feel him nod. "Okay, then you think you can let me go just long enough to
get comfortable?"
Okay, Buffy. Remove the death grip on Angel. There, that wasn't so hard, was
it? I look up at him and he smiles. He moves to lean against the headboard,
my pillows behind him. I crawl up to curl up next to him. Now this is almost
perfect. It would be perfect, if only I didn't know it was just temporary.
This is right. It's one of the reasons I have to leave, though. I won't risk
letting him hurt her again.
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Buffy?" I reply.
"Can you tell me the real reason?"
Buffy is so much smarter than most people give her credit for. She knows that
the curse isn't the only reason I'm leaving. If it was, she'd be able to
convince me to stay, see if we could reverse the curse. "Two reasons," I
reply. "The first reason is what I said earlier, Buffy. You deserve so much.
A normal life, children, all those things that I can't give you."
"You really think you're the only thing keeping me from a normal life?" she
asks, looking up at me. "I'm the slayer, Angel. We don't get normal lives.
And I seriously doubt that I'm going to want to bring children into my world."
"You never know, Buffy," I shrug. "I have to believe that you'll get all
those things you deserve, someday."
"Well, one of those things is you," she says matter-of-factly.
I can't hide a small smile. God I love this woman. She makes me believe.
"The other reason?" she prompts.
"I feel like I have so much to make up for," I tell her. "Maybe I can be of
use in the fight against evil, some place where people don't have the slayer
to protect them. And if I can make a difference, maybe, someday..."
Maybe someday I'll feel like I truly deserve Buffy's love...
And maybe, if she still loves me...
If she can forgive me for leaving her...
Maybe, then, we can be together again.
I don't voice any of those thoughts, however, because I don't want Buffy to
wait for me. I want her to move on. I want her to be happy.
"Angel, look at me."
I comply and Buffy continues, "I know that you want me to move on and find
someone who can give me a 'normal life.' But even if I do find someone,
Angel, even though I don't see that happening, but I won't argue the point
with you. Even if I were to find someone, Angel, I will NEVER, EVER stop
loving you the way I do right now. You will always be in my heart."
I can't talk, because if I do I'll start crying like a baby. I needed to hear
those words. Because the truth is it kills me to think of some other man
holding Buffy and kissing her. She's mine. And even though I won't ask her to
wait, I need to believe that she won't stop loving me. Even if it's not true,
I'll believe it.
"So, since we've got that established," she says, "Promise me something?"
"I'll try," I whisper.
"If, someday, you make enough of a difference to make peace with yourself,
find me."
"Buffy--"
"No, just listen," she frowns. "Even if I'm with someone, Angel, even if
you've moved on or I've moved on, or both of us have moved on, come tell me
at least. After everything we've been to each other, I'll want to know. I'll
want to know that you've finally found the peace that you deserve. Promise."
I sigh. She always manages to make too much sense. "Okay," I agree. "I
promise."
She smiles easier and curls up against me again.
**********
We've talked for four hours and it's two a.m now. I can't believe the time
has gone by so quickly. It's not enough time, but it was enough to say the
things we needed to say. There won't be any bitterness or misunderstandings
now. I think we both feel a little more hope for the future than we did
earlier tonight, too.
Buffy wants to sleep, I can tell. But she's fighting it. "Why don't you try
to sleep?" I suggest.
"No," she clutches me tighter.
She must be thinking I'm going to disappear while she's asleep. "I promise
you that I will wake you up," I say.
She looks up at me, searching my face. She nods, finally, as she tries to
stifle a yawn. "Okay." She rests her head against my chest again and I hold
her close. Soon I hear her breathing and heart beat slowing. I'm so tired
myself.
I reach over to her alarm clock and set it for three-thirty. I'll just sleep
for a little while.
**********
"Buffy?"
I know why he's trying to wake me, but I can't open my eyes. I can't let him
go.
"Please look at me," he requests.
I open my eyes finally and tilt my head back to meet his eyes. "I know," I
sigh. It wasn't enough time. He eases me off him and I sit up.
I wish... No, Angel. No more what ifs. You're doing this for a reason, three
to be exact. It's time to be strong now. I sit up and glance at the clock.
It's three fifty-nine. I woke thirty minutes ago and just concentrated on the
way it felt to hold Buffy. I don't know when I'll be doing that again.
Stop it now, or you'll never make it out of this house.
I look over at her and she looks surprisingly okay. Better than she did
earlier when I first came into her room. I take her face in my hands and say,
"Never forget Buffy Summers, I love you."
I kiss the tears from her cheeks and then kiss her lips one last time.
He loves me. I believe that. It's all I have to hold onto right now, I'll
always hold onto it. Until he comes back. I believe that he will, too. If I
didn't, I'd jump in front of a speeding car.
When he pulls away, I attempt a smile and say, "I love you too Angel."
He smiles back and releases me. I somehow make myself let go of him. He
stands and says, "If you ever need me, Buffy--"
"I'll call you," I reply. He gave me his cellphone number earlier, it's
tucked away in the pages of my diary. I'll only use it in case of
emergencies, but it means a lot that he gave it to me.
"Okay," he says. He opens his mouth again but I cut him off.
"Don't say it. I WILL see you again."
I nod, I can let myself believe that for now. It wouldn't make sense for us
to find the love we have and then lose it forever. Fate can be cruel, but it
can't be that cruel. Maybe to me, but not to Buffy. This isn't good-bye, not
forever anyway.
I walk to her window and turn back to look at her one last time. No, not one
last time. Just one more time.
"Angel?"
"Yeah, Baby?"
"Always," she says with a smile as the tears well up in her eyes.
I nod and have to turn away or I'll never get out of here. I can't hold back
my own tears as I climb out of her window and go out to my car.
As I watch him leave again, I can't stop the tears from falling. I hold my
pillow against my chest and listen to his car drive off. It hurts... but not
as badly as it did earlier tonight. Because at least he let me know. He still
loves me. He believes that we'll find a way to be together again, someday.
And if he believes that, then I'll believe it too. I will always believe.
I get into the driver's seat and start driving before I can talk myself out
of it. I can do this. I can do this because I believe in us. We'll find each
other again, someday. Until then, we'll hold onto the memory of our love. The
love that we share isn't something that everybody finds. Our love will
withstand whatever time we have to spend apart. It will last forever.
I believe.
I will always believe.
*****************
The End
I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be all right
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is all right
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe