LOSING IT ALL
BY: Ti'kara
CHAPTER 6
Chakotay and I left the briefing room together. Walking toward the turbolift, I started thinking about all the changes in my life. Everything was happening so fast that it was frightening. Chakotay placed a hand on my shoulder, "are you all right?" I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't know," I replied quietly. Chakotay looked at me perceptively.
"Would you like to talk?"
"You must be tired. I'll be all right."
"That's not what I asked," he responded. "Would you like to talk?"
"Maybe later, right now I'd just like to go to sleep."
"Ok, I'll see you later, good night, Ishaia." Chakotay went off down another corridor.
I entered the turbolift, "deck 8," I told the computer. I entered my quarters, looking around, surprised again by their spaciousness. Would I ever get used to the luxury on this ship, I wondered? After getting ready for bed, I climbed in, turned off the lights and tried to go to sleep.
Suddenly, I woke up, my heart racing. Darn, why did I always have to have that same dream? Why couldn't I just put it behind me? I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in my knees. Shaking, I tried to turn my mind to something else, but it was like trying to corral a Larsur Multae. In one word, impossible. I started to cry, again.
I thought about what Chakotay had said, about calling him anytime. I knew he meant it after we had communicated telepathically, but I hated to bother him in the middle of the night. Trembling, my mind in a turmoil, I realized that I really didn't care. I needed to talk to him. Still crying I said, "Ishaia to Chakotay."
After a moment he replied sleepily, "Chakotay here, what is it Ishaia."
"I…I…oh…never mind." I wailed, rolling into a little ball. I realized that I was just too churned up. I knew he would come if I asked, but there was a part of me that was afraid he wouldn't and I couldn't stand it if he didn't. I know it didn't make any sense, but I wasn't feeling particularly logical at the time.
A few minutes later, the door chimed. I ignored it. I was crying too hard to say anything. I felt utterly miserable, lost and alone. I knew that I had locked the door, so no one was going to be walking in on me.
Chakotay stood outside Ishaia's door waiting for her to answer. He knew that she was very upset, had known it when they'd left the briefing room. He had fully expected her to call him sooner or later. He was surprised, however, that she wasn't answering the door. He pressed the controls to open the door, but the door was secured.
He pressed his combadge, "Chakotay to Ishaia." There was no answer. "Ishaia, answer me. Unlock the door." Still nothing. "Ishaia…computer, override door lock authorization Chakotay Gamma two three." The door slid open. He entered the room to pitch-blackness. "Computer, lights." He could hear the sobs from here. She was crying like her heart was going to break.
He walked quickly to the bedroom and saw Ishaia lying on the bed curled into a ball. "Ishaia," he said softly as he sat on the bed. Placing his hand on her shoulder he patted it gently.
I'd heard him come in and really felt relief. I was crying so hard that I felt I would never be able to stop. "Come here, Ishaia," Chakotay coaxed. He carefully rolled me onto my back. "Stop crying here all by yourself." I sat up, leaned my head against his chest and just bawled. Chakotay held me tenderly, "sh, sh, it's going to be all right, Ishaia. Everything's going to be all right. You're not alone and you're not going to be alone."
I choked back the tears. I had to explain what was tearing me apart. "It's…ju…st that…everything's gone. My home, family, every…thing. I'll never be home again." I stammered through the tears.
"I know, Ishaia." He replied understandingly. "But you are not alone. You have a new family now. I know that that's not much consolation right now. But it will help. Voyager's your home now and the crew your family. It will take time but you will adjust. I'm here for you just like I told you on the Lib…" I sat up abruptly. Something was not right. I concentrated, trying to still my troubled mind. There was someone here, someone in the room with us. "Ishaia?" I held up my hand, searching with my mind.
"Someone's here, Chakotay," I said.
"What do you mean?" Commander Chakotay asked sharply. Immediately switching to command mode.
"There's a presence here."
"Describe it."
I shook my head, "I'm not sure." I hesitated; "It's different from anything I've ever felt before…"My mind was in too much confusion to focus. Suddenly I gasped, grabbing my head. I could feel the presence pressing against my mind. Trying to enter my thoughts. I quickly tried to raise my shields but the presence was strong and fought back.
"Chakotay!" I cried out as everything went black.
"Chakotay to the bridge, medical emergency," Commander Chakotay snapped, "two to beam directly to sickbay."
"Yes sir." The transporter took effect and Chakotay and Ishaia arrived in sickbay.
Chakotay picked up Ishaia, placing her on the bio bed. "Computer activate Emergency Medical Holographic Program."
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," the EMH intoned. Chakotay hastily explained what had happened.
"Chakotay to Security, intruder alert, deck 8, section C-12. Captain Janeway report to sickbay we have a situation." Smoothly the ship's crew responded to the emergency. Tuvok and the Captain arrived in sickbay almost simultaneously.
"Report," said the Captain crisply. Chakotay swiftly explained what had happened.
Going over to the doctor, Captain Janeway asked about Ishaia's condition. "I don't know, Captain. She appears to be in a coma, but why or how I can't explain yet. Her anatomy is completely unknown to me."
"That is probably because she is Inari." The Captain told him.
"I have never heard of the Inari." Stated the EMH emphatically. "Is she a guest on board."
"No," the Captain replied, "she's a crew member. She came aboard with the Maquis."
"No one ever tells me anything," grumbled the doctor. "Do we have any medical records on her?"
"No," answered Commander Chakotay, "they were destroyed."
"Well, does anyone know ANYTHING? Never mind, just leave and let me work." Growled the EMH.
"Notify me when you know anything," ordered the Captain.
In the Captain's ready room, Janeway and Chakotay were discussing the situation. The door chimed. "Come in," intoned the Captain. Tuvok entered the room.
"The search has been completed. No intruder has been found." Reported Tuvok "Are you sure about Ishaia's accuracy, Commander?" Janeway asked.
"Yes," stated Chakotay emphatically. "She was quite disturbed. It was shortly after she became aware of the presence that she appeared to be attacked and became unconscious."
"EMH to the Captain."
"Go ahead."
"I think you'd better come to sickbay."
"I'm on my way. Commander, Lieutenant, come with me."
Upon entering sickbay the EMH stated, "The girl is in a deep coma. Her psilosynine levels are greatly elevated."
"What does that indicate, doctor?" Asked the Captain.
"I would say that her telepathic centers are extremely active. However, the rest of her systems are shutting down. There are several brain chemicals that I can't even identify. Also, there is an internal organ I've never seen before. I can't even begin to guess at its purpose."
"Could the brain chemicals have anything to do with psychokinetic abilities?" Asked the Vulcan.
"They could. They might be neurotransmitters involved with the propagation of the electrical energy involved." Responded the EMH.
"What would you suggest, doctor?" Queried Janeway.
"If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, I'd suggest a telepathic healer. Here, however…"
"Would a Vulcan mind-meld possibly help?" The Captain asked.
"That might be a possible solution, but, it could also be dangerous." Answered the EMH. "The battle that appears to be going on in Ishaia's mind could also damage any mind coming into contact with it."
"Tuvok?" The Captain looked at the Lt.. The Vulcan slowly nodded.
"I would be willing to attempt it."
"I must protest, the procedure could be extremely dangerous."
"Noted, doctor," snapped Janeway.
"My mind to your mind…my thoughts to your thoughts," intoned Tuvok. Unexpectedly, he was thrown back, breaking the connection. Chakotay caught him, holding him upright while he recovered his bearings.
"Tuvok?" Inquired the Captain. "Are you all right?"
"I am fine, Captain. Ishaia is in an intense telepathic battle with an unknown entity. I will attempt to make contact again. Perhaps together we can purge the alien mind." Walking back to the bio bed Tuvok replaced his hands on Ishaia's head and reformed the meld. Ishaia, Tuvok attempted to contact her. Ishaia, focus your thoughts. Concentrate on the feel of your own mind.
Tuvok? Is that you? Help me. I'm…los…ing…
Focus your thoughts. Do not let fear control you.
The Captain and first officer watched anxiously, waiting for the procedure to finish. The EMH stood by observing the diagnostic readouts. Abruptly the doctor rushed into motion. "Vital signs are failing. 20 mg. Tricordrazine." He ordered, holding out his hand. Looking quickly around, he realized that no one was handing him the hypospray. He reached quickly over to the instrument tray, picked up the hypo and administered it to Ishaia.
I was fighting for control of my mind and I was losing. The entity or life force was slowly taking control of my mind. Breaking through the barriers. When Tuvok's mind had contacted mine I knew that I was not going to be successful. Tuvok, I need to add your strength to mine, to combine our minds. Will you let me? I thought.
Tuvok was concentrating on the entity. He could perceive it like seeing the outline of a person through a curtain. Blackness, darkness, that was what was there, and a light in the distance. A light that was fading. Yes. He gave permission.
I wove our minds together like a weaver weaving cloth. Plaiting them together into a single bonded entity. I hadn't tried this since my teacher on the E'shayla had taught me. She had shown me how to combine the strength of two minds.
Prepared now, I sent a spear of thought deep into the darkness in my mind. It stood out like a ray of light in the surrounding blackness, plunging and searching deeper. It sought out the malignancy that was attacking my mind. Pressing forward, I slowly pushed the alien presence out of my mind.
The doctor waved the medical scanner over me. I was aware of him, of everyone. Gradually I separated my mind from Tuvok's. I lay there on the bio bed, knowing that it would take me awhile to recover. I was still apprehensive; I had never felt anything like that before.
Tuvok sagged, as his hands fell by his side. Janeway and Chakotay helped him to a chair. "Are you all right, Tuvok?" Asked the Captain with concern.
Tuvok raised his hand, "give me a moment, Captain." After a minute he began to tell them everything that had happened. "I am fascinated by Ishaia's telepathic abilities. She used a technique of which I have never been aware before."
"But the entity is gone," asked the Commander.
"Yes, Commander."
Slowly I opened my eyes, flinching from the bright lights overhead. "Oh so you're awake, good," said a voice somewhere off to my left. This had happened before and it all came flooding back. I cried out, trying to roll away from the voice. CRASH! I fell off the bed. Scrambling, I tried to get to my feet, but a wave of dizziness assailed me.
"There, what do you think you're doing? Stop crawling around sickbay and get back onto the bio bed." Said the grumpy voice.
"Keep away from me!" I hollered, totally disoriented. "Just go away." I felt a hand on my arm and pulled violently away. "Don't touch me!" I tried to scramble further away and ended up under a console.
A few minutes later, I heard a different voice. "Ishaia," it was Chakotay. "You're ok," he said. "You're safe now, come out from under there." His voice was gentle but there was a note to it that told me he wasn't kidding. I looked up to see him holding his hand out to me. "Come on." I reached out and took his hand and he helped me up.
The dizziness hit again and I swayed. Chakotay put his arm around me and helped me back to the bio bed. "This is the Emergency Medical Holographic Program, he told me."
"The what?" I asked confused.
He laughed and explained about the EMH. He also told me about what had happened and said that the Captain had some questions for me. "Do you think you could answer them now? We'd really like to know what's going on."
"I can try. But, I think you know as much as I do." I responded dryly.
"Not now," grouched the EMH. "I have some tests I need to do and then I have some questions about Inari biology and anatomy."
"You can do the tests while we talk, doctor," said the Captain as she entered sickbay.
I explained what had happened as best as I could. "What did the entity want?" queried Janeway.
"I don't know," I answered her. "I was too busy to ask." I spoke a little scornfully.
"Ishaia," warned Chakotay.
"Sorry, Captain. It's just that when you're fighting for your life you don't take time to ask for ID." I saw that Chakotay was about to say something again, "No disrespect intended, Captain. I'm still a little off balance." I cut in quickly.
"What can you tell us about the composition of this entity? Is it a life form, a life force, non-corporeal?"
"I really don't know, Captain. All I can tell you right now is that it is definitely telepathic. It is also dark and malevolent. But what it wants or why it attacked me, I don't know and I can't begin to guess. And frankly, I hope I never have the 'pleasure' of finding out." I felt the tears starting to threaten and I hoped she'd just leave, before I totally disgraced myself.
The Captain seemed to know that I was at the end of my rope, because she patted me on the shoulder and told me to get some rest. "Let me know if you think of anything else, Ishaia."
"Yes, Captain," I whispered.
"Commander, stay with her. She might remember something and I want to know as soon as she does. You seem to have a close rapport with her, maybe she'll recall more without all the pressure."
"Aye Captain."
"How are you feeling, Ishaia," Chakotay asked me.
"Better, Commander," I said. "I'm…sorry I fell apart."
"Don't worry about it." The EMH butted in wanting to know details about my physiology. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I wasn't exactly an expert.
An hour later, the doctor sent me to my quarters. Chakotay walked with me. We entered my quarters, "Ishaia, I want to talk to you. The way that you spoke to the Captain is unacceptable."
"She didn't seem to mind," I said.
"Well, I mind," he said resolutely. "I don't think that your Manua would have tolerated that tone and I know that I won't."
"Don't you think that Captain Janeway would have said something if there had been a problem?" I asked saucily.
"That's enough, Ishaia," he said succinctly. "I am not speaking to you as a friend but as the first officer of this ship. I expect you to speak to the Captain, in fact to all-senior officers, with due respect at all times. If you don't, you will have to deal with me. Is that understood?"
"Chakotay…"
"Commander," he interposed.
"Commander," I substituted, "I didn't mean anything…"
"IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!" He asked with authority.
"Yes, sir," I answered crisply. I looked at my hands and then back at him. "I didn't mean to be disrespectful," I said softly. "I guess I'm just a little upset about all this."
His face softened, "all what, Ishaia?"
"Being stuck in the Delta Quadrant, on a very strange ship and with people I don't even know. I won't ever see Inar again and though I know that Manua would still be dead no matter where I was, I somehow feel like she's…well…I guess I'm not making any sense…"
"No, Ishaia, I understand what you're trying…" he broke off, looking at me curious. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure?" I answered, uncertainly. "There's something…something here."
"The entity?" Chakotay asked alertly.
I shook my head, "I can't tell…it's…" Chakotay pressed his combadge and spoke to the Captain.
"I'll be right there," she said. I shook my head while focusing my mind outward. I kept my shields up, opening a tunnel that I could slam shut instantly if necessary.
"It's gone," I said softly.
"Are you sure there was anything there?" He asked.
I nodded, "Mmmm, yes, I'm sure. But, what it was I couldn't say." The door chimed.
"Come in," invited Chakotay. The Captain entered my quarters.
"Report."