The Moving Finger Writes

by Lattelady

An epic tale of the Wildcards and Queen 6. Follows McQueen through detox, divorce, loss of the Angels, all that happened druing the Chig War and beyond. Romance, political intrigue and our favorite Marines at their best.

4. Ch: 4 Voices In The Dark

ch4.html All characters and plot devices that are taken from Space: Above & Beyond, are property of its writes, producers and owners of the series. Quotes from Te-Tao Ching by Lao-Tzu, translation by Robert G. Henricks; quote from Invictus by William Ernest Henley; quote from Much Ado About Nothing by Wm Shakespeare; quote from The Book Of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, translation by Thomas Cleary; all used with out permission, no copyright infringements intended. The movie that is mentioned is Love In The Afternoon.

Chapter 4: VOICES IN THE DARK

*The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.*
......................................

Catalina Island February 10, 2064

Patsy sat on the porch swing. The sun had set long ago, and the stars were out. Upstairs, in the house, Frank Savage was packing. He had said he would be staying a week, but it had only been two days, when the message had arrived. Now, he would be off again, at first light.

"Patsy, I'm sorry," the tall general came out on the porch and joined the woman who he had come to care about more then he ever thought possible. "I have to be going much sooner than we planned, but before I go, there is something we need to talk about."

"What's the matter?" Patsy had seen the way Savage reacted to the message when it arrived. He was worried and was trying not to show it. "Is Jenny all right?"

"I haven't heard anything to the contrary, but this does have to do with her, in a round-about way." Frank hated to bring Patsy into this, but she was the only source of information he had. "Early this evening the In-Vitro Health Facility was blown-up."

"No!" Patsy's mind went blank, "was anyone hurt?"

"The Facility has been empty of patients since all of the doctors that ran it 'volunteered' for space assignments, due to the war." The General had been shocked at the blatant lie that had been printed about the closing of the Facility, when he researched the matter on returning from Kordis. "There's a night watchman who's missing and feared dead."

"Why would anyone want to blow up the building?" Patsy stared at the stars as she had seen Jenny do so often when she was on medical leave.

"That's what I wanted to ask you about," Savage rubbed the woman's shoulders with his one good hand. "It looks as if the place was broken into before the bombing. A neighbor saw lights in the office area about thirty minutes before the explosion."

"I don't understand any of this Frank," Patsy shook her head. "The Health Facility was there for eight years. That's the reason Jenny joined the Navy. The only people with funds for in-vitro research were Aerotech and the Navy. She couldn't stomach Aerotech, and she believed in the work they were doing at the Facility."

"How long was Jenny assigned there?" He probed.

"She worked there for almost six years, if you count the time she volunteered during her surgical residency. The Navy had her officially stationed there for almost four years, then she was sent to the training center on the moon, for six months. After that she was at Loxley for almost a year. Why are you asking?" Patsy had been questioned by the best in her younger years, she didn't like the feeling she was getting from the man sitting next to her.

"I'm looking for a pattern here, that's all," he shrugged. "Was it Jenny's book that caused the Navy to send her to the Moonbase? That's not usually an assignment given to a research doctor, no matter how good a surgeon they are."

"That's what I always assumed, and I heard a friend of hers say the same," turning, she met dark eyes, that she had seen full of affection, but that were now cold. "What aren't you telling me? And don't give me that need to know business. If it concerns Jenny, I need to know!"

"Pats...."

"You listen to me, Frank Savage," Patsy had enough of being protected. She was created to be a warrior. Her blood was singing for a battle, and here she was being coddled like a child. "If this is something that could hurt either you or Jenny, I have a right to know."

"Remember the communications chip I told you about from Kordis? It was a record of all the radio activity from the air strip. When I was going over it the last time, I found an incongruity. At first, it seemed to be nothing. Just in case, I took it to a friend of mine, and he did a bit of searching. What he found was an AI-coded transmission, that was sent from our radio-bunker," Savage spoke softly, the night enveloping them.

"But who? Why?" Patsy was outraged. "What did the message say?"

"The who, I don't know. The why, I'm not sure. The timing is such, that it looks as if it was an attempt to kill Jenny, and make it look as if she died in battle." Savage was relieved to be able to talk to someone about this, but he was worried that he was putting Patsy in more danger. "I had just sent my third plea to have Jenny transferred off of Kordis. Within two hours we had our hands full keeping the Chigs off our backs. Unfortunately, we have no way to decode the message, so we don't know what it said."

"Maybe it was just a coincidence?" Patsy wanted badly to believe it was.

"We had been too well hidden, for too long," this had eaten at Savage for a long time. "I never understood how they could just surprise us like they did."

"If someone would have a unit of men wiped out to kill Jenny, then what's to stop them from taking out the Saratoga?" Patsy didn't doubt that Frank was telling her the truth. "What I don't understand is why anyone would want to kill her? She never hurt anyone in her life."

"If we can figure that out," Frank smiled. "Then it should lead us to who might be after her."

"Tell me what I can do to help?" She would do anything to help the woman who was like a daughter to her.

"I want to go over the last two or three years of Jenny's life, tell me anything you can, no matter how insignificant it may seem. We may be able to find a pattern." He leaned over and caressed her cheek, "you know that isn't how I wanted to spend tonight, don't you?"

"I know," Patsy whispered, then found her voice again. "Tell me again that Jenny's safe where she is."

"Glen Ross is a friend of mine. He runs a tight ship, besides, I think he's placed her in a squad where she'll get extra protection." Savage smiled as he remembered a cool-eyed Colonel, who looked at Jenny in a possessive way. "You wouldn't know a Lt. Col. Tyrus McQueen, would you?"

"McQueen? I knew him," Patsy wondered what was going on. "It was almost a relief when Jenny got the telegram from the Marines telling us he was dead. The waiting to hear just about killed her."

"Are we talking about the same man?" Frank wondered, "he was with the Angry Angels, in-vitro, about six feet tall, silver hair, doesn't say much, but when he does, it's worth listening to?"

"That's him," Patsy frowned. "Did you know him?"

"I know him *now*. It was his squad that pulled us off Kordis. He's very much alive." Frank grinned at her, "Technically he's Jenny's commanding officer, but unless she's changed in the last month or two, I think it'll be a battle to see who runs the show. There's something between them, isn't there?"

"It isn't what you're thinking," Patsy shook her head. "But there was something there. At first, he was her patient, so she never let herself see what she was feeling. Then when she was assigned to the Angry Angels, I don't know,..... they were friends, but....? I would watch them together, it was like watching two people shadow box. If he's the one who's looking out for Jenny, she won't come to any physical harm."

"But you're worried that he might hurt her in other ways?" Savage wondered if it would have been better to have had Jenny assigned to him, as his personal doctor. He could have watched her back, but at the time he didn't think it was necessary.

"He wouldn't do it on purpose," it was easy for Patsy to say these things in the dark, and maybe it would help Frank understand her a bit better. "He's an in-vitro with a capital 'I'. The kind that has learned to survive by holding himself apart, keeping any emotions he might feel tight within him."

"That's not like you at all," Savage leaned close and kissed her cheek.

"No, I had Jenny. She taught me so much, but unfortunately, I wasn't able to teach her about the caring of a woman for a men." Holding his face close enough so she could see his eyes in the black of night. "I didn't discover until recently that I didn't understand it myself."

"That's not such a bad thing." Savage whispered.

"You just say that because you like being the man who taught me about it," Patsy kidded. "But, Jenny trusted McQueen from the day she met him. He was in detox for Green Meanies at the time. The doctor in Jenny didn't let her see the man. It was the man she trusted, not the patient, but she didn't realize it, let alone understand it. I'm not sure she even understood in that year she was with the Angels. They would come here all the time to sail, but....I don't know?" Patsy shrugged and shook her head. "When she was hurt at an In-Vitro Rights rally, he pulled away from her. It only added to her confusion and hurt. She watched the battle that killed the Angry Angels from the deck of her boat. I don't know how she was able to bring the *Windswept* in. She walked around here like she had died with her squad. When she got the telegram, she packed and left. I haven't seen her since."

"All the more reason we need to get this thing solved," Frank brought the subject back to where it began. "Start from the beginning and tell me all you know about Jenny's actions since just before she started writing The In-Vitro Chronicles."

Frank and Patsy sat on the swing and talked late into the night.

"Does Jenny have anything around here from her research for the book?" Savage stood and stretched. "I can't help wondering if that might be what someone was trying to destroy when they bombed the Facility."

"Yes, all her research is filed away in her desk," Patsy stood with Savage's help, her injured right leg not wanting to hold her weight.

"Can you pack it up for me?" Savaged watched the woman he cared about work to get her balance. "I want to send it by my special courier to Jenny. She's the one to go through it, to see if there's something there worth killing all those people for. And I'll feel safer if it isn't in the house with you."

"It'll only take a few minutes," Patsy took a tentative step, glad her knee would hold her. "It's all on compressed disks."

"I need to make a phone call. I'm putting off my departure until Mark Gomez can get here. He's been my attache for years," holding Patsy's hand and giving it a squeeze. "You can trust him. He's the man who went over the crystal for me and found the hidden signal."

"Frank, wouldn't it be easier to just turn this all over to Diane Hayden?" Patsy was worried about meeting a person who meant so much to Savage. "How is this man going to feel about me?"

"It would be easier, but not safer. With all I've learned, I don't trust Hayden, anymore. Especially since she's become engaged to Stryker. That man is not what he seems," he could feel Patsy digested the information. "Don't worry about Mark. I want him here to keep you safe, while I'm gone."

"I do worry about him," Patsy sighed, knowing this would be the first test of their relationship, and glad for the covering of the darkest part of night. "I am still an in-vitro. I would imagine that anyone on your staff, would have your political leanings. You were a major supporter of Nicholas Chaput. You never made any secret of your dislike for in-vitros."

"No, but I was wrong," he reached for Patsy and held her face in his one good hand. "I was very wrong. People like you, Jenny, McQueen and some other amazing people taught me how wrong I was. I had judged all in-vitros by the actions of one, who had gotten a number of men killed in my squad in the AI war. And no, I don't think all in-vitros are perfect, just because I am in love with one, anymore then I think all natural-borns are perfect."

"Frank....?"

"Yes I said 'love', I wasn't planning on springing it on you so fast, but get used to it," he leaned in and kissed her. "We'll work it out as we go along. Now, I need to make that phone call."
.....................................

February 12, 2064, New York - Diane Hayden's working residence

Diane Hayden relaxed in bed. She had the drowsy feeling of a woman well sated by love making. Smiling she realized that she and Carleton did their most creative planning at times like this. Maybe it was because when they lay in the dark, their bodies so close, it bound them tighter together. She was blind since birth, and lived in a world of mostly dark and shades of gray. With the two of them wrapped in the cocoon of darkness, their voices low, it brought him closer to her, than in planning sessions in the light of day.

"I didn't find anything when I checked out the offices of the Facility," Stryker whispered. He had searched Diane's bedroom for bugging devices, but he was still careful not to raise his voice. "If there was anything on the property, it's gone now. The fire following the explosion, turned everything to ash."

"It should look like just another terrorist action against in-vitros," Diane grinned. "I'll make a scathing statement against it in tomorrow's news briefing. You should be standing beside me, looking equally upset."

"It was a stroke of genius, when you quoted from Kirkwood's book at your inauguration," Stryker laughed. "You were the perfect indignant In-Vitro Rights Leader, throwing out the Loyalty Testing, like you did. We couldn't have anyone looking too closely at those test sessions. Especially, after what happened on the Saratoga." It still made Stryker angry to think that he had taken the chance of being exposed. Making the trip out there to administer the drug and mind influencing to that in-vitro Marine, himself, and for nothing. Chaput had survived.

"Thank goodness for Thompson, Chaput's bodyguard. We were smart to be sure he never knew where his orders were coming from. He ended up the fall guy for both assassination attempts," Diane snuggled closer to Stryker. "But it was still too close for my liking."

"You worry too much Di," he kissed her forehead. "I've always been very careful to keep my real feelings about Tanks a secret, just as you have. Yes, I have my little forays to torment Equal Rights workers, but I'm always very careful. I've even got two Tanks working on my staff," he laughed at the irony of it.

"Are they the last of the 'mind influenced' ones?"

"Yes, too bad we couldn't have kept more of them around. It was so easy to kill Chartwell and shift the blame by using one of them. No one looked further." He had modeled his plan after Hitler. Find a minority and place all the blame on them. Using it to bind a divided country and build a political base for himself and Diane, but he hadn't gotten that far.

As soon as Diane was elected, he had planned for them to come out as the voice of reason against Tanks. What would be more damning? Two people who had in the past, appeared, to be pro-in-vitro to change their positions because of the killings of Chartwell and Chaput at the hands of Tanks. Stryker could feel the resentment against 'those doctors' again. They had ruined a perfectly good plan. Once they got involved, he and Diane had to move quickly to make sure none of it came back to them. "I can't believe it was that ass Chaput who helped us by instigating the loyalty testing. It kept everyone angry. Giving us time to kill off any of them that might be a problem and make it look like retribution by angered natural borns."

"He may be an ass, but we need to keep an eye on him," Diane shifted to rub against the man she loved. "He's not stupid. Too bad, we weren't able to kill him. A third attempt on his life, would be too dangerous."

"Have you heard anything from your AI friend?" Stryker nibbled at her ear.

"No, he was only supposed to send the one message. I am assuming that no news is good news. The reports I'm getting from the front are still full of Chiggy Von Richthofen," Diane felt Carleton shiver as she moved closer to him. They both found power to be a very strong aphrodisiac.

"Do you think the Chigs realize the AI's are really working for us?" The man whispered as he shifted above her.

"No," Diane purred as she felt his skin against hers. "No more than anyone realizes that my greatest wish is to pound those bugs into oblivion, instead of make peace with them. Even the AI we sent to take care of Sewell thought I was doing it as a gesture toward peace negotiations with the Chigs. Sewell's life and the return of the ore in exchange for opening a private dialogue with them."

"When this all hits the fan, Aerotech and E. Allan Wayne will take the blame and we will be there to pick up the riches," Carleton nibbled at her ear. "With some careful guidance from us, Aerotech will topple and we'll be in the clear."

"The timing is the question," Diane whispered, as her hands moved over his back. "We should make use of the AI's for as long as possible, they are a wonderful source of information and so handy for doing little odd jobs. Is the virus ready in case we need to terminate them sooner than we had planned?"

"Yes, my dear, all we need to do is push a button and it'll be downloaded into their mainframe. Within a few days they will begin to sicken and die. I've tested a lighter dose version on a planet in one of the outer sectors." Stryker smiled as he remembered the surprise on the faces of those machine/men. "They began to feel emotions as they became weaker not realizing that the emotions were draining their power cells."

"I would have loved to see that," Hayden's throaty laugh filled the room as her hands moved up and down Stryker's back. "Think of all we've done, Carl. In the last ten years we have risen from obscurity and poverty to this." With one hand she indicated the room around her.

"We did it together," he caressed and kissed her throat as he began to work his way to her breasts. "You discovered the failsafe that Aerotech built into many of the in-vitro DNA structures it was creating. I uncovered the truth about the ore sample that Aerotech has had hidden in its Space Science Labs since the turn of the century."

"Ohhhh, that feels so good," Diane rocked against the man who was sending wild sensations through her body. "Tell me Carl, please tell me the story that excites me so."

Stryker laughed, he loved to see the most powerful woman in the world reduced to quivering passion and just for him.

"We will take over what's left of Aerotech when it falls, for starting a war with the Chigs over Sewell Fuel." He leaned down and began kissing his way down her body. "Once the Chigs are wiped from the universe, the Fuel and at least two planets that are rich with it will be ours. When Earth discovers Aerotech's duplicity, the powerful Hayden/Stryker team will guide a weary Earth to peace. If the AI's try to give us any trouble, I've got the virus ready to send their way. When we are truly at the top, will be time to bring the damn Tanks back under control, by using the genetic back-up plan that was added to their DNA structure. Earth will belong to human's again and we will rule it. Growing richer with each planet that comes under our control." He punctuated the last few words by biting his way down her neck and across her breasts.

"Not yet Di, not yet," he called out as he pulled back from her. He loved hearing her gasping in the dark, it added to his feelings of power, which added to his own enjoyment. "We have a long way to go before we finish."

He had introduced her to the seamer side of love making. It thrilled him to see her, always so cool and calm, out of control under his hands. She was the perfect lady, with passion that no one had been able to reach, until he came along. For him she was anything but a lady and it gave them both such pleasure. *"Now which should it be tonight,*" he thought as he opened the drawer they always kept locked, beside the bed.

"Yes we have a very long night, my love," he murmured as he cuffed her hands to the headboard and was rewarded with her gasp of surprise.
...............................

The Saratoga February 17, 2064

The Tun Tavern was doing it's usual brisk business on a Saturday night. The Wildcards were sitting at their table playing another in an endless series of poker games, when Jenny Kirkwood joined them.

"Hi guys, room for one more?" She smiled and moved a chair between Vansen and Damphousse.

"Sure, we'll take anyone's money, you know that," Wang tossed in his cards in disgust. That left McQueen and Hawkes to fight it out.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get something from the bar, anyone want something while I'm up?

"You buyin', Lady-Doc?" Hawkes grinned at her.

"In you're dreams Hawkes," she giggled at the young man as she turned toward the bar.

McQueen sat with his squad, thankful that Jen hadn't pulled her chair next to him and that he had the forethought to order a beer tonight, instead of scotch. His eyes watched the the small woman move through the crowd to the bar, then turned his attention back to his cards.

Laughing at a joke the bartender told her, Jen turned, still talking over her shoulder to the woman behind the bar, and headed back to her table, wine glass in hand. She didn't see the big, rather drunk Marine who was in her path and ran right into him.

"Hi there, you cute thing." The surprised young man said to the woman who filled his arms.

"Pardon me," Jenny looked up and stepped away from him.

"That's okay, darlin', you're the softest thing I've felt in a long time," he grinned at her as his hands moved to keep her from getting away from him.

"Sargent, you have the wrong idea," Jenny put steel into her voice as she stepped away from him. "Move out of my way and I'll forget this incident happened."

"You sure I can't change your mind about that, little darlin'?" The Marine reached for Jenny again.

"That is little darlin' Ma'am to you, Sargent!" Jenny ground out in her best imitation of McQueen. "Stand at attention when I am addressing you!"

At the table across the room, McQueen's eyes froze and his hands tightened around his cards, as he watched a young Marine try to back Jen against the bar. "Vansen, Damphousse, over there?" He motioned with his head, while never taking his eyes off the woman at the bar. Every instinct in him shouted to get up and pull the man away from Jen, but he knew that if any of the male 58th backed her up, it would end in a fight. "See what you can do, we'll watch your six. I don't want her in a bar fight! Understood?"

"Yes sir," the two young women took off, knowing why they had been sent.

"I never would've pegged McQueen for a male chauvinist," Phousse whispered to her friend as they wove their way through the crowd.

"Do you need any help here, Lieutenant Commander?" Shane thought Jenny had things pretty well in hand, but she wasn't taking any chances.

"Thank you, Lieutenants," Jenny smiled at the women who had come to her aid. "I was just explaining to the Sargent, that if he didn't want to find himself with a bilateral orchectomy in the morning, he would let me pass."

"An orchid-what-a-me?" The drunk Marine was confused, but pleased finding himself surrounded by lovely women.

"Lets just put it this way," Jenny grinned an evil grin. "You would be singing soprano for the rest of your life. Shall we go back to our cards, Lieutenants?"

"Sargent, you need to be careful of this woman." 'Phouse's eyes danced as she whispered, "she's been known to take off a man's arm with a k-bar."

"Aaa, Ma'am," the young Marine turned white, as the three women moved around him. "I..a..thought you were, well were..."

"I wasn't! Dismissed Sargent," Jenny kept her face ridged as the young man moved quickly away, though she fought the laughter that was building up inside. "Is that what you guys call a strategic redeployment to the rear?"

"You mean a retreat!" Shane laughed, pointing to the frightened young man moving quickly away from them.

"Thanks guys, but I really did have it covered," Jenny sipped her drink as they pushed through the crowd.

"We figured you probably did," 'Phousse laughed.

"But the Colonel didn't like the looks of what was happening," Shane looked back at Jenny and shrugged as if to say *'men, who can understand 'em?'* The congestion in the bar bringing the women to a stand-still.

"Oh, no," Jenny muttered as she looked over at the table. McQueen had relaxed his hold on his cards, but he was still watching her with unreadable eyes.

"The Colonel takes care of his own, Ma'am," 'Phousse patted the older woman on the arm as they began to move again.

"Pardon?" Jenny stopped, pulling Vanessa to a halt.

"You're one of us," 'Phousse shrugged. "McQueen watches out for the Wildcards. That includes you too."

Later that evening, McQueen looked up from his cards and found Commodore Ross standing in the door to the Tun, worry evident on his face, until his eyes met McQueen's. Ross nodded slightly to the Colonel, then shifted his glance to Jenny. Nodded his head and motioned for them both to join him.

"You'll have to excuse us," McQueen folded his cards. "Jen, I think think we're needed elsewhere."

Jenny followed McQueen's gaze and bit her lip at the lack of expression on Glen Ross' face. This felt too familiar for comfort.

"My office, you two," Ross turned as Jenny and McQueen followed him.

Jenny didn't say a word but she felt her insides quake as they walked in silence. *"This can't be good,"* she thought. As she tried to empty her mind of worry, a firm hand gripped her shoulder from behind. She reached up, instinctively covering McQueen's hand where it rested on her shoulder. Silently thanking him for the moment of reassurance, before they separated and kept on walking.

"I want to thank you both for coming so quickly," Ross took a seat in the lounge area of his office. He indicated for Jenny and McQueen to make themselves comfortable on the couch facing him. "I've had more news from General Savage, Jenny."

"I was afraid of that," she gripped her hands to keep from playing with her bracelet.

"Doctor," Ross began. "This is still classified. I would like Colonel McQueen in on this conversation, not only because he's your commanding officer, but I trust his judgment. Since this is a personal matter as well as a military one, I'm leaving the choice up to you. I can fill him in on the pertinent data later."

"A..., Ty?" Jenny turned to McQueen. Troubled gray eyes met clear blue ones. She was frightened and wanted him here, but asking for help wasn't part of her upbringing.

"I'm here for you, Jen," McQueen saw fear and doubt cross her face, replaced by relief at his words.

Ross watched the silent communication that was going on between his friend and the Doctor. The air of intimacy that surrounded the two, was almost palpable. Just as quickly as it had arisen, it disappeared when a loud thump from the corridor brought the two people back to the present.

"As long as the Colonel is in agreement, I would like him in on this," Jenny began to babble, a sure sign she was nervous. McQueen sat back, his usual calm restored.

"All right then," Ross reached for the packet that had come less than an hour ago. "There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. A few days ago, the building that was the In-Vitro Health Facility was bombed and burned to the ground."

"No!" Jenny gasped. "Was anyone hurt?"

"The night watchman is unaccounted for and presumed dead," Ross was as gentle as he could be but he knew this wasn't going to be easy for her.

"What's the Navy doing to find who ever did this?" Jen demanded.

"I'm afraid the Navy has bigger fish to fry," Ross shrugged. "We have a war on. The building was empty of all Navy personnel and they had been renting it to begin with, so it isn't much of a priority."

"Sir, is this considered another terrorist attack on In-Vitro Rights workers?" McQueen was afraid this was following the pattern that had started in Houston.

"I was just getting to that," Ross pulled opened the packet he had been holding. "This is a letter from General Savage. He thinks there is more to this bombing then just a terrorist act. One of the neighbors saw lights on in the third floor office area of the building. It could be nothing, then again it could be something. You are the only one alive who can tell us what was kept in those offices, Doctor."

"The third floor was all personal offices," Jen thought hard to be sure she wasn't missing something. "We didn't even keep patient files there, unless it was someone we were seeing that day. Medical Records was in the basement."

"What about any research any of you were working on?" Ross probed.

"There was never much funding for research," Jen shook her head. "It always seemed as if we needed every penny for patient care. There was the occasional grant, but nothing big. The offices on the third floor were where we saw patients and conducted any business. We used them when we met with visiting Brass and family members of patients when it was called for. And, of course the press, on occasions. Our real work was done in a number of small offices scattered through out the building."

"Where did you do your research?" Ross questioned.

"I hadn't been stationed there in eighteen months, before the war," Jen tried to remember if she had left anything of importance in the building. "I used the call room off the detox ward to do most of my work. If a file was really important, I kept it in my briefcase, with a back-up copy at home. The computers were all encrypted so that we could use a terminal in any of the offices. I don't know what the others were working on when we were sent our separate ways. I had been waiting to hear from a number of grant proposals that went by the wayside when I was sent to Moonbase."

"What about your research for The In-Vitro Chronicles?" Ross spoke softly into the silence.

"Oh my God!" Jenny sat forward, all her attention on Ross. "But that was years ago. There isn't anything in that.........Oh NO, all of that is stored in my desk at home on Catalina......We have to get Patsy out of there!"

"No, it isn't, it's here," Ross smiled as he opened the package and pulled out a small stack of mini-disks. "And Frank is taking care of Patsy. He'll keep her safe."

"But I don't understand," Jen looked from Ross to McQueen. "I can't think of anything in the research or my book that isn't already a matter of public record. Anyone with the computer skills of a first grader can access any of it."

"Jenny, this is the only clue we have to go on," Ross patted her hand, realizing she was keeping a tight reign on her emotions. "General Savage wants you to go over these records with a fine tooth comb. There may be something in here that you don't know you've got."

"What a fool I was," Jen ground out. "All those years ago, you were right, Ty. I can still remember my righteous indignation, when you and Patsy tried to talk me out of writing that book. Then I walked off in a huff, so convinced that I was going to open the eyes of the world to a terrible wrong. All along it was my eyes that needed to be opened!"

"Stop it, Jen," McQueen gave her shoulders a gentle shake. Both the man and the woman had forgotten Ross was sitting across from them. "For all we know your research isn't what they were after."

"Can you tell me honestly that you believe that?" Jen shot back.

"The pattern is suspect," McQueen agreed. "But I find it hard to believe that someone would wait over four years to try and destroy it."

"Okay," Jen tried to smile, but couldn't pull it off. "I just wish I had listened to you, back then."

"When you showed me the first two chapters, how much research had already been done?" McQueen pointed out.

"All of it," Jen sighed. "But if the book hadn't been published, whoever may be threatened by it, might not have known of it's existence?"

"Jen, you're chasing shadows," McQueen chided. "Go through your notes and see what you find. Anything I can do to help, just let me know."

"Are there any other copies of your notes?" Ross hated to interrupt. He had never seen McQueen interact with a woman the way he was with Jenny. Ross doubted the Marine even realized his actions were out of character. "I would like to make a back-up copy to keep in my safe, if it's all the same to you Dr. Kirkwood?"

"That's not a problem with me, Sir, and probably a good idea, since this is the only copy," Jenny handed the disks back to Ross. "I'll start working on them as soon as I get them back from you. Is there any more news in that packet I should know about?"

"No, only this letter," Ross handed Jenny an envelope with Patsy's hand writing on it.

"Thank you Commodore," Jenny smiled as she saw who the letter was from. "If that's all, I'll say good-night?"

After Jenny had left, Ross reached into the bag and pulled out another letter, this one addressed to McQueen. "You have one, too."

McQueen looked at the envelope, he had never gotten a real letter before, "thank you, Sir."

"You've know Dr. Kirkwood a long time, haven't you?" Ross began making encrypted copies of Jenny's disks.

McQueen turned from Ross to look out the porthole at the stars. "She was my doctor in detox, that second time."

"She took you on in the state you were in that last time on Greens?" Ross shook his head, "the woman has more courage than sense."

"Don't tell her that unless you want a fight on your hands," McQueen smiled at a memory he wasn't going to share with his friend. "Sir, do you think those disks are the reason behind the bombing at the Facility?"

"I don't have the answer to that, Ty." Ross finished coping the last disk and put his copies in his safe. "But if I were a betting man, I would put my money on the disks shedding some light on what's going on. Though I get the feeling it's not going to be that easy. Would you take these to Jenny?"

"Yes, Sir," McQueen pocketed the disks. "I'm tempted to wait until morning, so she gets some sleep tonight."

"Drop them off tonight, Ty," Ross smiled at his friend's concern. "I doubt she'll sleep until she has them in her possession. This is a bad business, no matter how you cut it. And I am afraid that Jenny is in the middle of it, somehow."

After McQueen left, Ross poured himself a drink and settled back in his chair. He felt as if he was missing some important information that was just outside his grasp. Too much was happening at once to keep it all straight. What did notes from a book that was published almost four years ago have to do with a bombing that took place four days ago? Though the bombing added weight to Savage's theory that someone was trying to kill all the doctors who ran the Facility, it was hard to imagine why. Even harder to imagine who.

Then there was Jenny, a woman who at first glance seemed to be as transparent as a pane of glass, but there was more to her. She wasn't glass, she was cut crystal, who diffused the light. Tonight when Ross had watched McQueen and Jenny interact, he recognized dark centers in both of them. McQueen's hidden by darkness and Jenny's by light.

Ross knew that it was Jenny's light that dazzled him. Yes, he was attracted to her, found her desirable, what man wouldn't? But it was her lightness of being that brought him joy. Few women in his life made him think *"what if things were different, what if his heart wasn't already taken by a lady named Saratoga.*" Jenny was a keeper, therefore not for him. Besides, she belonged to someone else. A someone who had added to the darkness at her center. A someone who if he wasn't dead, was a damn fool! The Commodore chuckled as he put down his glass, between lack of sleep and one drink too many he was becoming a philosopher.
.....................................

Saratoga, Jenny's Quarters February 17, 2064- 2345 hours

Jenny sat at her desk reading Patsy's letter for the forth time. It sounded as if Patsy was in love. That changed things. Jenny had already decided to resign her commission when the war was over. She had assumed she would go home to Catalina and open a practice. But now, that didn't seem fair to Patsy. Jenny wanted Patsy free to make her own choices about her life.
................................

March 2, 2064, Saratoga

As the days moved on, Jenny's life took on a pattern. Her spare time was allotted into windows to do the things necessary to keep her body going. An hour in the gym, usually in the very early morning, helped keep her sane, as well as fit. Eating three meals a day, even if she wasn't hungry, prevented the shakes from too much caffeine. If she wasn't working in Sickbay, she made herself turn off her computer, put away the disks and go to bed no later then 2330. Sleep didn't always come, but at least her body was resting.

Jenny seemed to move between two worlds. The one world was in Sickbay where wounded poured in. Always another battle against death to be fought. Her batting average in surgery was high, but sometimes she wondered why she patched the young people up, just to send them out to a hospital ship to become well enough to fight again. Then a month or so later she would find them back on her operating table. The pattern starting all over.

The other world took her back four years to what her life had been when she still thought one person could make a difference. She walked the corridors of information on in-vitro development, digging and searching for missing clues. A clue that would tell her why four men she had worked with had died along with all the soldiers they were with. A clue that would explain the senseless deaths of the people who hadn't made it off of Kordis. One hundred people had been stationed on that air strip. How many had died while providing cover so that an ISSCV that was destined to crash in the south, would make it off the northern continent?
...............................

The Saratoga, March 9, 2064

The fighting was getting worse. Recently, she had begun labeling days by the number of men and women who died in Sickbay on her shift. Today had been a good day. They had saved more than fifty percent of the soldiers that had been brought in. All she wanted to do was sleep, but she was sorely tempted to turn on her computer and work on the disks. *"It's only 2245 hours, I can get in a little bit of work tonight,*" she thought as she flipped the switch to turn on the machine, before heading for a quick shower. Jenny hadn't realized she had collected this much information before writing her book.

After showering, she pulled McQueen's sweat shirt over her tank top. There was just enough of the scent of the man left in the shirt to keep her from crumbling completely. She usually didn't wear it, but used it like a child would a security blanket. Tonight she needed protection against the ghosts that were haunting her more and more frequently as she searched for answers she was afraid she would find.

"Lady-Doc," the strained voice of Nathan West brought Jenny back from the study of her notes.

"Nathan....,"opening her hatch, Jenny found a battle weary and dirty Marine standing in her door. "What happened?"

"I..." Nathan looked around the small cabin that Jenny had pulled him into. He didn't know where his feet had been leading him when he left the ISSCV after extraction from their mission. "It's my brother, Neil. He he's....*dead*," Nathan whispered the last word. Wanting no one to hear it, then maybe he could go on believing it wasn't so.

"Oh Nathan," Jenny put her arms around the exhausted Marine. "I can't tell you it's okay, because it's not," she whispered as she rocked him back and forth. They stood with their arms around each other. "Let it all out, Nathan, just let it out."

"Jenny I tried to protect him," he gasp between sobs as he clutched the older woman to him, needing the comfort she was giving him. "I tried, really I did, but he just wouldn't listen! I'm the big brother, I was supposed to take care of him, but he wouldn't listen to me!"

"Shhh, Nathan," Jenny stroked his back as she held onto him. "It's not your fault. It's this war."

Nathan let his pain wash over him, feeling again what he felt when he held Neil's body in his arms and realized his brother wasn't coming home. For the first time since Kylen, Nathan leaned on another human being. He was tired of being strong; tired of burying his feelings; tired of going only on faith. Maybe, Paul had the right idea at Christmas when he had doubted his own faith.

"I'm sorry, Lady-Doc." Minutes later, Nathan pulled back, embarrassed that he had let go completely.

"Wait a second, Lieutenant," Jenny called him back as he tried to escape. "Not so fast. Sit down and talk to me," she pulled out her desk chair as she turned off her computer. "Sit here and talk."

"Doc, I really should be getting back," Nathan tried to get away. "I haven't even showered yet. I'm filthy."

"Nathan, sit!" Jenny ordered. "I'm not worried about a little dirt, but I am worried about you. So talk to me, tell me about Neil."

"He followed this hard-charging Lieutenant into battle." Nathan spoke bitterly as he remember the inexperienced man who had led his brother's squad. "Harrick disobeyed orders and compromised the mission, getting his whole squad killed, including my brother, in the process."

"Nathan, you make it sound as if Neil had no say in those last hours on planet," Jenny pushed.

"He was a rookie, lead by a rookie," Nathan challenged. "How was he to know what to do?"

"Neil was a Marine!" Jenny emphasized. "He was given orders and he followed them. From what you say, he made a choice."

"But..."

"No," Jenny gripped his arm. "He made a choice. It was Neil's choice. That's what you need to understand and accept. Now sit back down and tell me about Neil, all about Neil."

Nathan sat, and the stories poured out of him. Neil as a child. Neil's first day at school. Nathan teasing Neil when the younger man went on his first date. The endless games of 'kill the guy with the ball.' The one and only time the two of them had double dated. The time Nathan discovered that Neil had a crush on Kylen.

Jenny and Nathan sat in her quarters for a long time, laughing and crying at the stories Nathan told.

"You know who Neil reminds me of?" Jenny grinned at the young man.

"No, Ma'am," Nathan shook his head as he was brought into the present by her words.

"He sounds a lot like Coop at times," she smiled. "Like a young man who was looking for himself."

"Coop?" Nathan frowned. "Well maybe when Neil was a lot younger."

"That's what I mean, but Neil grew-up," Jenny covered Nathan's hands with hers. "The stories you tell of Neil were when he was young. That doesn't sound like the man I met on the Saratoga. You need to find the stories that went in-between. The ones that let him die a man's death, making his own decisions. Instead of a child's death, having no say in what happened."

"Shane said almost the same thing, but I won't accept that!" Nathan denied what he was being told, "he shouldn't have died."

"None of us should have to die in this war," Jenny looked far away, seeing another squad that had died at another time. "You can't bring him back Nathan, but you need to go on."

"There are no more stories," Nathan swung to his feet, denying all his brother had become. "There is nothing in-between"

"Nathan," Jenny was gentle in the face of his anger. "As long as you tell stories about Neil, he'll live. He'll be alive in your memory and in the memories of those who hear the stories."

"Is that why you stopped telling stories of your Major?" Nathan attacked. "To keep him alive? Because if it is, he died when you were picked up off of Kordis!"

"OH!" Jenny recoiled as his words hit her like bullets. "You heard about those stories?" She whispered.

"Sure, everyone did," Nathan reached for the woman, but she pulled away. "I'm sorry Jenny, I didn't mean to hurt you. I was hurting and I hit out at you. I'm sorry."

"That's all right Nathan," Jen stood and walked to her porthole, letting the stars give her comfort. "It's not what you're thinking. They were stories, that's all. At the time they needed to be told. There's no need for them now," Jen whispered.

"You don't have to explain it to me, Jenny," Nathan spoke softly. He could feel Kylen very close at that moment. "I understand. I've been there. Sometimes it takes time to be able to tell the stories that mean the most to us."

Jenny watched in silence as Nathan left. How could she explain the truth to him, or anyone. Keeping her promise to herself, she left her computer off and climbed into her bunk. Her mind kept wandering to McQueen, wondering if he had heard the stories and if he recognized himself in them. He was such a private person, maybe he didn't. * "Ha, Jen, keep lying to yourself like that and maybe you'll believe it, given ten or twenty years!"*
................................

Down the hall, the object of Jenny's thoughts was wrestling with thoughts of his own. Lt. Col. McQueen was trying to write a letter. He had written plenty of letters in his time as an officer, but all those letters had been dictated by the Corps and what he had felt about the men who had served under him. This was a personal letter. One he didn't want to write, but knew if he didn't, he would always regret it.

When Ross had first handed him the letter from Patsy Howard, he had assumed it would be asking about Jenny. He'd been wrong. Patsy had written to him the man, not the in-vitro, nor the Colonel or commanding officer of the squad that Jenny was assigned to. Only the last sentences had anything to do with Jenny.

He read it again, trying to figure out what Patsy was telling him. *When dealing with Jenny just remember these things. 'The good closer of doors does so without bolt or lock, and yet the door cannot be opened; The good tier of knots ties without rope or cord, yet his knots can't be undone........ That which has no substance gets into that which has no spaces or cracks.' I'm sure you recognize the two quotes from the Te-Tao Ching. I wish you luck and keep yourself safe.*

*"What was she trying to tell him about Jen?"* He shook his head as he reread the lines. He knew them well, but applying them to Jen was a different matter. McQueen tossed down his pen in disgust. He had to get this letter written to Patsy, the mail shuttle was due soon.
..................................

Saratoga April 2, 2064

The ISSCV carrying mail had finally arrived, bring news and word from home. Cooper Hawkes had watched from a distance as people gathered around the mail. He understood, for the first time, why his friends looked forward to mail call with such excitement. He had written a letter and it had gone out on the last mail shuttle. He knew in his head that it was impossible for Patsy Howard to have received his letter, then answer it, in the few weeks that had passed. Though there was a strange excitement in him when he thought what it would be like when she did answer and his name was called, telling him he had mail.

The Colonel had told him mail call was no place for Tanks, but Cooper was beginning to see that maybe Jenny was right when she said that just because something worked for the Colonel, it wasn't necessarily right for him.

There had been mail for Coop, and for McQueen too. Though Coop wasn't sure how he felt about the letter he had received, from the Armed Services Network. They were doing a special on in-vitros in the military and wanted to interview him. He would have much preferred a letter from Patsy, the woman who had raised Jenny, but this was a start. Hawkes took one look at his commander and he knew McQueen wasn't happy about the letters they had both received.

Remembering the faces of his friends as they read their mail, Coop wondered if mail from home didn't cause more problems than joy. Paul and Vanessa were happy about what they got, but Nathan and Shane were upset. The Colonel was still in a temper from the letters they had gotten. Ross was making McQueen play along, and the Colonel didn't like it one bit.

Jenny had just gotten off duty when she heard about the mail shuttle. She doubted there would be anything for her, since Patsy had sent a letter with Savage's special courier just a few weeks ago. A shower then a meal was tops on her list.

"Dr. Kirkwood," Glen Ross caught her in the corridor outside her quarters. "May I have a word with you in private?"

"Yes, Sir," Jenny punched in her code and Ross followed her in.

"There is going to be a camera crew from the Armed Forces Network, on the Saratoga," Ross took the chair that Jenny offered at her desk. "They're going to be here filming a documentary on in-vitros in the war."

"No," Jenny held up her hand as if to ward off what was being said. "That's not good."

"Good or bad isn't for me to say, Jenny," Ross smiled at her response. "I wanted to warn you of their presence and advise you to stay out of their way."

"Then it's not me they're looking for?" The doctor looked relieved as she sat on the side of her bunk.

"No, but in some ways it would be easier if it was," Ross grimaced as he remembered McQueen's response to having to give an interview. "They're here to film Hawkes and McQueen."

"The Colonel's not going to like it when he finds out," Jenny knew McQueen was a private person, who believed that deeds spoke louder than words.

"He already knows," Ross patted her hand. "But that's my job. Your job is to keep a low profile. When they checked the ship's roster, they must have been checking for in-vitros only, or your name would have been spit out with Hawkes' and McQueen's. If we're lucky, they won't catch on that you're here. I'm making Sickbay off limits to them."

"I've got plenty to keep me busy," Jenny motioned to her computer. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Have you come across anything that might be of help to us?" Ross knew Jenny was working as fast as she could, but he was impatient to get this over with.

"No, Sir," Jenny shrugged. "So far there isn't a thing that's worth killing over, but I'm still looking."

"Dr. Kirkwood," Hawkes knocked on Jenny's door. "I picked up your mail."

"Coop, thanks," she opened the hatch, letting in the tall Marine who had a large box balanced on his shoulder.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," Hawkes was surprised to find the Commodore sitting at Jenny's desk.

"Carry on, Lieutenant," Ross stood to leave. "It looks as if you've got quite a haul there, Doctor."

Voices from the hallway could be heard as Cooper and Jenny were opening the box that Jenny had received.

"No, you don't understand, 'Phousse," Shane's strident words carried over her friend's softer one. "Marion was the name I wanted to use for my daughter and Anne always knew it!"

Leaving Jenny's hatch open, the two lady pilots joined Cooper and Jenny. A few minutes later Paul came in carrying a lump of sod, that he claimed was from Wrigley Field. The last to join them was a grim faced Nathan. Everyone was talking at once as Jenny dug into her box and began pulling out books.

"What the hell is all the noise about?" A disgruntled McQueen stood in the open hatch, his arms crossed, legs splayed and eyes shooting ice bullets. "This is a United Earth Force Navel Carrier, not the local mall. We are at war, People," his eyes raked the Marines who had automatically snapped to attention at the sound of his voice. "If you must carry on like this, at least close the damn hatch!"

As he turned on his heel to leave, pulling the hatch closed behind him, he saw Jenny step toward him, "Doctor," his voice low and menacing. "I'd advise you to follow the example of your squad-mates. I've had about all of your insubordination that I plan to take." He saw his words hit her and wished he could pull them back.

"Yes, Sir," Jenny stopped half way to the door. "Colonel, Sir," she may have been at attention, but her left eyebrow was raised and her eyes drilled him, negating her stance.

At the sound of the hatch closing behind the angry Colonel, everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well back to the work at hand," Jenny turned back to the box.

"Lady-Doc, he didn't mean anything by it," Coop placed a hand on her shoulder. He had seen the way McQueen's words had hit her, then bounced off as she had pulled an invisible shield into place.

"It's okay, Coop," Jenny moved back to the box. "He just caught me by surprise, that's all." She had heard McQueen chew out people on plenty of occasions. This was the first time he had directed his anger at her when they weren't arguing an issue that had her temper in an equal state of flux.

Patsy had sent Jenny a number of her favorite books. At the bottom she found a treasure trove of old video disks that she could play on her computer. A number of which caught Shane and Vanessa's attention. The women planned a 'girl's night' in the near future. When the others went their separate ways, Nathan stayed behind.

"Doctor," he wasn't sure where to start. When he had talked to her about Neil the last time he had ended up verbally attacking her. "I got a letter from my parents and it sounds as if they haven't been notified of Neil's death. Something's wrong."

"What's the date on the letter?"

"I thought of that," West studied the letter in his hands. "This letter was dated ten days ago. It must have arrived at the shuttle just as it was taking off from Earth. I was told by the Commodore that death notices go out in the daily out-going radio traffic, every evening. They should have been notified a week before this letter was written."

"Have you talked to Colonel McQueen about it?" Jenny wasn't sure what she could do for Nathan, but was willing to try.

"I tried to," Nathan shrugged. "He isn't..well, like Hawkes said earlier, he isn't acting himself today."

"What did he say to you?" Jenny didn't like what Nathan wasn't telling her about the Colonel.

"That the Corps would take care of it," Nathan sat heavily on the desk chair. "Then, something about Marine's parents losing their children for 300 years."

"Ouch!" Jenny frowned at the coldness of the words. "Keep in mind that he thinks of family differently then we do."

"Doctor," Nathan smiled at the woman. "You don't have to make excuses for McQueen. We both know that something is bothering him right now. His response to me was out of character. The Colonel may not have a family, but he worries about the families of his soldiers. I've seen him write letters often enough to know that he doesn't leave a thing like that to the bureaucrats."

"Since McQueen isn't a resource at this time," Jenny skirted the issue of 'making excuses for McQueen'. "Why don't you talk to the Commodore. Be sure the time line you've projected is correct. There's a possibility that your letter was mailed before your parents heard about Neil's death. It's been less than a month."
......................................

Saratoga April 4, 2064 - 1800 hours

The 58th had been sent on a mission. Jenny was being careful to stay in her quarters, when not in Sickbay. McQueen was making himself scarce, since the arrival a few hours earlier of the crew from the Armed Serves' Network to film the documentary on In-Vitros In The Military.

"Jenny," Joan Brill called out as she entered Sickbay. "The 58th is coming in and they're bring in causalities."

"Details?" The Doctor felt her heart begin to race.

"Nothing so far," Joan grabbed the emergency kit. "I'll be triage, you stay where you are. They say the camera crew is already setting up at the docking bay. They want to catch Hawkes as he comes in from a mission."

Thirty minutes later Sickbay was filled with Marines fresh from extraction. Jenny leaned over the stretcher that carried Vanessa Damphousse. As she did an initial assessment, she was surrounded by the 58th.

"Back-up guys, just back up," Jenny turned toward the worried men and women. Looking between Coop and Wang, she saw a stern-faced McQueen come flying through the Sickbay doors. "You have to give us some room to work."

"Is she going to be all right, Lady-Doc?" Paul was still gripping 'Phousse's hand.

"I can't tell, yet," Jenny moved Cooper out of the way to get back to Vanessa's side. "One of you, tell me what happened."

"There was an explosion," Paul had been her partner, so he told the Doctor what he knew. "The compression from the blast sent Vanessa flying. She hit her head and..well.. her night vision goggles were broken when she landed. She couldn't see anything, so I bandaged her eyes and got her out of there."

"You did the right thing, Paul," Jenny gripped his shoulder to give reassurance. Paul was still too fragile from his encounter on Kazbek for the Doctor's liking. "Now everybody, go shower and eat, so I can take care of Vanessa."

"Come on Lady-Doc, we'll stay out of your way," Cooper was worried about 'Phousse, and part of him was scared about going back out there to face the cameras he knew were waiting for him. The idea of being the center of attention was exciting, but it was scary, too. Ross had made Sickbay off limits to the news crew, so for the moment he was safe.

"People," McQueen stepped into the middle of his Marines. "You heard Dr. Kirkwood. Everybody out of here. Give her some time to get her job done."

"Give me two hours," Jen called after the 58th, as they headed out and Vanessa was taken into an exam bay. "That means you too, Ty," she smiled at the Colonel.

"May I talk to her for a minute?" McQueen's eyes followed where the young Marine was being taken.

"Sure," Jen followed him into the bay and watched while he talked softly to the hurt woman.

"Ty?" Jenny stopped McQueen as he was about to leave the exam area. "Why don't you wait in my office. The Corpsman just brought me some dinner, help yourself."

"I can't eat your dinner," McQueen was hungry and had been avoiding the Mess. "You've never gained back any of the weight you lost on Kordis."

"Go ahead and eat it. By the time I'm finished in here, it'll be ice cold. I'll have Joan get me something later. Besides, it's the scrubs that make me look thin," Jen lied.

"Good try, Jen," McQueen stepped close to the doctor. "But you forget I've seen you in....... scrubs before."

"Please, Ty just do as I'm asking you," Jen turned away from him, her face flaming as his soft chuckle followed him out of the exam room. The Doctor ground her teeth, they both knew he had seen her in shorts and even a wetsuit when they snorkeled off the Windswept.
...................................

Saratoga Sickbay 2100 hours April 4, 2064

The 58th arrived back in sickbay exactly two hours after leaving. They were all worried about 'Phousse and felt that being there would give her support. Paul had been the last to leave when Jenny declared visiting hours over. He was worried about Vanessa. He knew about the letter she had received and how much it had hurt her.

"Paul," Jenny Kirkwood called out as she watched his worried face. "She's going to be all right. It'll take a few days, but Dr. Gregory says her eyes will be as good as new."

"It's not her eyes I'm worried about," Paul shrugged.

"So I gather," Jen watched the young man closely. "Is this something I should know about?"

"You talk to her Lady-Doc," he pointed toward the curtained area where 'Phousse was resting. "If anyone can help her, you can," for just a moment, ghosts shadowed his eyes, then were gone.

"How about you, Paul," Jen had seen the pain flash across his face. "How're you doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine, Ma'am," he pasted a smile on his face. "Don't worry about me, you were right, I'm putting it all behind me." He was lying and hoped he could hide it for a few more minutes. For some reason, what happened to 'Phousse was intensifying all his fear and shame from Kazbek.

"Dr. Kirkwood," 'Phousse called from behind curtains.

"I'm here," Jenny held Vanessa's hand as she looked over her shoulder and watched Paul make a quick exit. The Doctor made a mental note to talk to McQueen about the young man. He was still having problems coping and needed help that she was unable to give him.

"Was that Paul I just heard?" 'Phousse gripped Jenny's hand tightly.

"He was here," Jenny pulled up a chair to sit beside the Marine. "They were all here."

"I know," Vanessa tried to smile. "Even the Colonel. He talked to me when I was first brought in."

"Of course he did," Jen smiled at the memory of the older man holding Vanessa's hand and talking softly to the injured girl. "He cares about all of you."

"Was I dreaming, or did you make him laugh?" The sleepy Marine wondered.

"Pardon?" Her question caught Jenny by surprise.

"He doesn't laugh enough, but Lady-Doc, he's a good man," 'Phousse defended her commander. "He didn't mean what he said the other day in your quarters."

"Vanessa...." Jen tried to cut in.

"Let me finish, Jenny!" 'Phousse kept on talking. She had enough pain medication on board and was hurting too much from the letter she had received to keep quiet. "The Colonel hasn't been like that since the early days of the war. He was hurting then and he's hurting now. I think it's because of the documentary that's being filmed. He doesn't want to talk about his past. He shouldn't be made to."

"I agree with you, Vanessa," Jen gripped her hand again. "You're a very sensitive woman."

"Please, not my sensitivities again," 'Phousse grimaced, remembering the problems she had when she was seeing odd lights around people before they died. "This is different, Jenny. Colonel McQueen is a kind, honorable man, unlike some men I can name."

"Has someone been giving you a hard time," Jenny jumped at the chance to move off the the topic of McQueen.

"My fiance," 'Phousse' lip began to quiver as she tried not to cry. "Sam, found someone else while I was out here fighting this damn war."

"And he told you in a letter?" Jenny held her hand tighter.

"Yes, ma'am, but I'd rather know the truth, than have him string me along and tell me nothing but lies," Phousse was trying to be brave, but she was hurting. "It's just that I thought I knew him so well. I thought he really loved me."

"I'm so sorry," Jenny used her free hand to smooth back Vanessa's hair.

"There were times when we would be in the thick," 'Phousse needed to talk about the man who had hurt her. "I would see his face or hear his voice. It would be just a momentary flash, but it would keep me going. It was like he was there beside me. Now in my heart, all I have is this empty place."

"I know," Jenny's voice shook, remembering a voice and face that wouldn't get out of her head when she was trapped on Kordis. "But you should try and rest."

"You don't fool me," the Lieutenant muttered sleepily. "You'll do anything to avoid talking about Him." 'Phousse smiled as she remembered all the stories that were circulating the ship. The stories that the Doctor had told on Kordis about a Marine pilot who had died. None of the stories ever told of affection between Jenny and the Major, but Vanessa would have bet her last dollar on it.

Looking up at a noise behind her, Jenny found McQueen watching them. "I thought you might like this," he handed her a cup of hot coffee as he sipped from a mug of his own.

"How long were you standing there?" Jenny whispered as she took the cup. Vanessa's hold on her hand had loosened and the young Marine was taking deep regular breaths.

"Longer than I should have," McQueen spoke quietly. "I was waiting to find how she's doing. And I want to make sure you eat something. Joan has gone to get you some more dinner. This time you're to eat it, and that's an order."

"Yes, Sir," Jen grinned at him. "There's really nothing to add to what I told you earlier. Physically she's going to be fine," she watched the young woman sleep. "Dr. Voss and Dr. Gregory, the opthomologist, got all the glass out of her corneas. The other, will heal with time."

"Sometimes I think mail from home does more damage than good," McQueen growled.

"Believing a lie wouldn't have helped her," Jenny watched 'Phousse sleep. "She said as much herself."

"Smart girl," McQueen whispered.

"She has a great deal of respect for you, Ty," Jen wondered if he realized he had become a father figure to the young Marine.

"As I said, she's a smart girl," McQueen grinned. "She's right about another thing as well. I'm sorry for what I said the other day."

"Thank you, but I understood," Jenny looked at the sleeping woman, relieved to see that the Colonel looked more relaxed than he had in a few days. "The idea of giving an interview goes against everything you believe in."

"What do you mean?" McQueen hedged. This woman knew him too well.

*"'He accomplishes his tasks, but he doesn't dwell on them.'* The theme runs throughout the Tao," Jenny stood, looking up at the man who meant so much to her. "Over and over again, Lao-Tzu writes of doing, or in some cases not doing, but letting actions speak for themselves."

"A poet and a philosopher, the Doctor has many talents," McQueen whispered as he watched Jenny's eyes turn deep black. "Is she also a mind reader?"

"If she were, she'd say this man is worried, but should put aside his worries and just do it." Jen was trying to pull back from all she was feeling. She hoped that her emotions weren't too evident.

For one second McQueen saw something in Jenny's face that caught him up short. Could she really read his mind? Then relief followed by anger washed over him, "what, no pithy phrases on facing demons?" As his face turned to stone, he thought, *"the interview, she'd been talking about the interview!*" If she could have read his mind, it would have frightened that trusting look off her face.

"Ty?" Jenny stepped back at his harsh reply and watched as he marched out of Sickbay like a man facing his doom.

Damphousse moaned, she was hearing voices, she tried hard to remember who was talking and what was being said. She felt it was important, but it kept slipping away from her as she fell into a deep sleep.
..................................

Jenny's Quarters 2300 hours

Jenny had put away her notes and crawled into bed when she was disturbed by pounding on her hatch.

"Just a sec," she called out as she pulled on sweat pants and grabbed an old wool shirt to cover her tank top.

"Lady-Doc, it's me, Hawkes," Cooper had stopped pounding, but was clenching his fists in temper as he waited for the hatch to open.

"What's wrong?" Jenny asked as she yanked open the hatch. The look on the young in-vitros face told her he was upset.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He accused as he stepped into her quarters. "Why didn't you tell me how bad it was for in-vitros in the early days?"

"What are you talking about?" Jenny guided the man to a chair, but he refused to sit.

"McQueen gave his interview!" Anger boiled in Hawkes veins again as he thought of all that his commander had gone through. "Why didn't you tell me about Port Riskin?"

"I did," Jenny put her hand on his arm to get his attention.

"Yeah, right!" Hawkes, pushed her hand away. "You told me McQueen had been a munitions handler, but you didn't really tell me."

"Hawkes!" Jen grabbed him by the arms and tried to shake him. "Listen to me Hawkes," her voice carried the authority of command. "It wasn't up to me to tell anyone! If Ty wanted that story told, he was the only one who had the right to tell it. As it is, I told you more than I should have!"

"But.." Hawkes tried to interrupt.

"No, buts," Jen gave him a shake again. "I won't do anything that would cause him pain, not even for you."

"You knew, though?" Hawkes was looking at the doctor very carefully. He felt she had the answers to a lot of things, but he didn't know the questions to ask.

"All I can tell you, is that I've been his doctor in the past," Jen sniffed as she felt tears forming. "You'll have to decide for yourself what that means."

"Lady-Doc, I...." Hawkes didn't know what to say, he had made her cry and wasn't sure how he had done it.

"Is he all right?" Jen was reluctant to call McQueen by name and not sure why.

"He disappeared after the interview," Hawkes patted Jenny's shoulder awkwardly. "Don't cry Lady-Doc, I didn't mean to yell at you."

"I'm okay, Coop," Jen wiped the tears from her cheeks and smiled. "How did it go for you?"

"It wasn't what I expected. All I wanted was to be somebody. I'd hoped that interview would help, so I went along with them. Then after I heard what the Colonel had to say," Coop shook his head. "I just couldn't do it anymore."

"You are somebody," Jenny patted his hand. "You're Cooper Hawkes and the life you lead everyday shows what a nice young man you are."

"That's about what the Colonel said," Hawkes sighed, finding it hard to comprehend all that had happened to McQueen. "It's hard to believe that a man like the Colonel came out of Port Riskin."

"It takes a very hot fire to temper strong steel and McQueen is made of the strongest I've ever seen." Jen smiled through her worry, "are you all right, now?"

"I will be," Coop smiled. "Good-night, Lady-Doc, and thanks," Coop left Jenny standing in the middle of her cabin. He had been given a lot to think about tonight. For the first time since he had read the words, he understood the beginning of Jenny's book. 'I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." First think in the morning he was going to the ship's library and pull up a copy of the whole poem.
.......................

Jenny gave Coop five minutes, then left her cabin. Sneaking through the night time ship, she headed for the alcove, where she was sure she would find McQueen.

"Ty?" She stood beside the man, who sat watching the stars. She knew he had been aware of her. "I'll go, if you want to be alone."

"No," McQueen looked up and slid over to make room for her on the ledge. "I told them about Port Riskin. About the 'dreams'. I don't think they understood."

"I doubt they would," Jen reached over and held his hand. Her fingers intertwined with his. "They have no frame of reference."

"But you do, don't you?" McQueen turned and looked her in the eyes. His hand gripping hers as tightly as she was gripping his. "You've always known. Why is that? You're not an in-vitro."

"I don't know," Jen leaned back against the bulkhead. Her shoulder brushing against his arm. "I just do."

They sat like that for a long time. McQueen being soothed by Jen's presence. He held onto her hand to keep from being swallowed by his inner turmoil. She sat quietly, not asking questions or needing him to speak.

"How much did I say during those nights in detox?" McQueen finally broke the silence. "When I was so out of it."

"Does it matter?" Jenny shrugged, "though someday, I hope you'll take a closer look at those times of your life. If not with me, then with someone else."

"You've got to be kidding!" There were things he kept hidden very deeply.

"No," Jen sighed. "You need to bring all that into the light of day. Look at what's important, and discard the rest. All of what's there goes toward making the man you are today. Look at him, accept him, and move on with your life. It's a waste of energy to have to keep burying things when they come back to haunt you."

"If it was so important, why didn't you and Werner push me to do it four years ago," McQueen challenged.

"You weren't in any shape to do it at the time," Jenny squeezed his hand tighter. "You were dangling over a deep abyss, back then. You needed everything in you to crawl back from the edge. For some reason you choose to confide in me, not Werner. Knowing that, we structured the psychiatric part of your treatment so that you only had enough sessions with Dr. Werner to make sure that you and I were staying on track."

How many of his other demons did she knew about? It bothered him that she would not only know about them, but understand them so well. He realized she had some demons of her own that recognized his. *"The Doctor needed to take her own advice,"* he thought. Then wondered if she realized her's existed at all?

After Jen left, McQueen sat watching the stars. His hand was still warm from where she had held onto him tonight. Did she realized how close to another abyss he had been tonight? If his temper had slipped it's leash, there was no telling what would have happened. For a second time she had held onto him and kept him from falling. She was right about one thing, it did save energy when someone helped you fight the battle.
........................................

Jenny's Quarters April 12, 2064 - 2200 hours

Since the guys were busy playing poker in the bar, Vansen, 'Phousse and Jenny decided to have a party. Vansen had smuggled two bottles of wine from the Tun. Jenny had a sappy chick-flick for them to watch. And Damphousse was finally able to take off her dark glasses; as long as the lights where kept low. All three women had red eyes from crying over the movie, were slightly drunk and enjoying every minute of it.

"That movie was so good," 'Phousse wiped a tear from her face. "There is something so romantic about a train station. Up until the last second, when he pulled her on the train with him, I was sure he was going to leave her behind."

"No, he wouldn't have left her, he loved her," both Marines heard the hollow sound in Jenny's voice as she stared blankly into the past. "A..aa..Vanessa, are you all right?" Jenny fumbled to cover her momentary lapse. "This movie wasn't too much for you, too soon?"

"No," Vanessa reached for a tissue. "I'm doing okay. The hard part is not having someone to love, I feel empty inside."

"I know what you mean," Shane poured more wine for them all. "When I saw John again after so long, he filled my heart with the old warmth. Then when he died, it was all gone again and I had to start...." Shane froze and slowly looked over at Jenny. "Oh Jen, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to bring this up."

"I don't know what you're talking about," the doctor tried to deny what she was feeling as tears rolled down her face.

"It's all right," 'Phousse put her arm around the smaller woman. "We know. You don't have to pretend with us."

"What?" Jenny pulled back in horror as both Marines shook their heads. "But..but"

"Your Major," Shane patted the older woman as she picked up a bottle of bright red nail polish. "He died, and you still love him." Both younger women had speculated on the source of Jen's bracelet, but were afraid to ask.

"No, you guys have it all wrong," Jenny shook her head.

"It's okay," 'Phousse handed her more tissue. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just remember, we're always here if you need us." Vanessa had a nagging feeling she should remember something, but didn't know what it was.

"No..."Jenny's protests were interrupted by a knock.

"Quickly someone hide the bottles!" They all gasped. Though alcohol outside of the Tun was forbidden, everyone knew that the rule was broken. It was ignored as long as no one was blatant about it. Two drunk Marines and a wobbling Navy doctor were pushing it a bit.

"Yes," Vansen plastered a smile on her face as she pulled open the hatch. "Colonel McQueen? Sir!"

"Vansen, Damphousse?" McQueen looked around the cabin, his Marines were drunk and playing with little bottles of red paint. There were clothes scatter around and Jen had her back to the door. "What's going on here?"

"I..a," Jenny stuttered as she turned around quickly, almost losing her balance.

"Lieutenant Commander," McQueen motioned for her.

"I can explain," Jenny walked a not so straight line to the door. Moving out into the passageway with McQueen she closed the hatch behind her. "Was there something you needed Colonel?" She looked him in the eyes deciding the best defense was a strong offense.

"You've been drinking, all of you," he accused.

"Maybe just a little, but you can't have a good movie without some wine," Jen reasoned. "Besides we're celebrating Shane's up-coming promotion."

"You made them cry!" McQueen was shocked. "You've turned my Marines into a bunch of women."

"In case you haven't noticed, Colonel" Jenny underlined her words by leaning close to him and standing on her toes, her up-turned face inches from his. "They are women. Treating them like short men isn't good for their mental status. They're women. Let them feel like women every once in a while." Then she ruined the effect of her carefully worded speech by giggling.

"Jen, you're drunk," his mouth twitched as he tried to keep from laughing.

"At least I'm not passed out, like a certain Lieutenant Colonel, who shall remain nameless," she leaned even closer whispering conspiratorially.

"Is he anyone I would know?" McQueen tried to look severe, but it was tough when all he wanted to do was laugh.

"Oh, loosen up, McQueen," she shook her head at him, making herself dizzy. "Ohh," she lost her balance, having forgotten she was on her toes, and bumped against the bulkhead as she landed on her feet.

"Careful there, Jen," he reached for her arms to keep her from falling.

"You caught me?" She looked up in surprise.

"I'd never let you fall, Jen," he kept a hold on her to make sure she was steady.

"You're an officer and a gentleman," she whispered, liking the feel of being able to lean on him even if only for just a moment. "Don't worry about Shane and Vanessa, they'll be their old selves tomorrow. They would never cry for you."

"No," he whispered as he wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "Only you do that."

"Not anymore, I made a deal, I won't break it, Ty, I promise." Jen murmured, unable to take her eyes off of his. "Ohh...." common sense reasserted itself as Jenny heard what she'd just said. *"This wasn't the way to keep her bargain!"* A voice shouted in her head, as she straightened, putting distance between the two of them.

"What are you talking about?" McQueen had felt her stiffen under his hands and let her go.

"Just rambling..."Jen improvised. "You were right about too much wine. What was it you needed?"

"It can wait until morning," * "or the day after"* McQueen thought. *"Depending on how hung over she is."* "It was about Nathan, but it can wait."

"Oh, okay," Jen smiled as she opened the hatch. "Good-night."

"How much trouble are we in?" 'Phousse asked as Jenny came back into the room.

"He was more upset that I had 'turned his Marines into women'," Jen lowered her voice, her hands low on her hips and did a creditable imitation of McQueen, that had both younger women rolling on the floor laughing.

"Very good," 'Phousse giggled. "Someday have Paul do McQueen as a plumber, it's a stitch."

"But if you do," Shane grinned. "Be sure McQueen doesn't catch him at it, this time."

"No!" Jenny joined them on the floor, tears of laughter rolling down her face. "Somehow I don't think the Colonel thought it was funny at the time."

"It feels so good to laugh," Shane lay on the floor feeling like her old self for the first time in a long time. "Ever since I got that vid from Anne, things have been weird."

"How so?" Jenny was helping to paint Vanessa's toenails a bright red.

"She's named her baby after mom," Shane sighed. "She knew I always wanted to name my daughter Marion."

"But you don't have a daughter," Jen split her attention between red toenail polish and Shane. "When you do, is there any reason why there can't be two Marions in the family?"

"Damn-it," Shane sat up. "Why do you have to always make so much sense, Jenny."

"Shane," 'Phousse put her arm around her friend. "From what you tell me, your mother loved you girls more than anything else in the world. I can't imagine she would want you fighting over a thing like a name."

"I always planned to honor her memory that way," Shane sighed.

"As our lives change, we need to change too," Jenny whispered. Her mind was still out in the hall with McQueen. "God, he's right! I did turn us all into a bunch of women," Jenny moaned as she wiped away tears that filled her eyes and rolled down her face.

"We won't tell, if you tell us what McQueen was like before the war," 'Phousse grinned.

"Pardon?"

"We know you were an Angry Angel," 'Phousse held up the picture Jen had forgotten to hide before the younger women arrived. "So what was McQueen like back then?"

"Not all that different from now," Jenny was unable to meet the other women's eyes, so she missed the look that passed between the two of them. "He was a Marine then, as he is now."
..............................

Saratoga, April 16, 2064

"Lady-Doc, open up," someone knocking on her hatch pulled Jenny back from notes on early work in DNA restructuring in the in-vitro program.

"Paul? Vanessa?" Jenny opened her door to find Wang and Damphousse grinning at her. "What can I do for you?"

"Ma'am we're here to save you," he laughed.

"Pardon me?" Jenny's mind was still on her research.

"We thought maybe Chig spies were holding you captive in here," Vanessa's eyes sparkled as she teased. "That's why we haven't seen you for four days."

"Come to the Tun with us?" Paul invited, "we're celebrating Shane's promotion. We'd like you to come out of hiding."

"I'm not hiding," Jen protested. "How do you know that I'm not just 'otherwise occupied'?" Jenny rolled her eyes, seductively.

"On this ship, we would have heard about it," Wang teased.

"Front and center, Lieutenant Commander!" Vanessa crossed her arms over her chest, her legs splayed in an unconscious imitation of McQueen, causing Jenny to giggle.

"Okay, okay, you win," Jen looked down at the jeans and sweater she was wearing.

"You look fine, but shoes would be good," Vanessa prodded as she looked at Jenny's bare feet.

"I don't know about that," Paul smirked. "I kind of think the red toe-nail polish would be a hit in the Tun. How come you and Shane don't wear things like that."

"Be real Paul," Vanessa bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Toe nail polish and combat boots. Can you imagine what the Colonel would say?" Both she and Shane had been careful to keep their feet covered when around the guys, not wanting to be teased.

"What would the Colonel say, about what?" McQueen moved to Jenny's door on his way to the Tun. Jen had just turned off her computer and was slipping into very unmilitary-like shoes, made of a soft brown leather.

"Ahhh, nothing Sir," 'Phousse back-peddled.

"I thought maybe you were talking about 'plumbers' again," McQueen met Paul's direct glance. The Colonel's mouth twitched as Paul shifted in discomfort. The young Marine doubted he would ever live down his imitation of McQueen the night before Kazbek.

"What's this about plumbers?" Jenny joined in the teasing.

"Have Paul tell you sometime," McQueen was sure she had already been let in on the joke, but he planned to give Paul a hard time about it for as long as he could, so he could hardly appear to approve.

Things had gone back to normal after the mail from home. Vanessa was adjusting to life without Sam and appeared to be happy. Jenny didn't know what Shane had written to her sister about using their mom's name for her baby, but the new Captain was content. Jenny had cried when Nathan showed her the beautiful letter he had written his parents about Neil's death. The West family was lucky to be so close, even in times of tragedy. McQueen and Hawkes had sat grim faced through the viewing of the documentary on In-Vitros In The Military. As Jenny had thought, McQueen's interview hadn't been used. She wasn't sure how he felt about it, and he wasn't talking about it.
..................................

Saratoga Sickbay, April 20, 2064

Two days after Shane's party, the 58th was sent on a recon mission to a small planet. Wounded were pouring in from all over the sector, so Jenny was almost too busy to worry.

"Jenny," Win Trosper moved behind her in the OR. "Commander Brill wanted me to tell you that the 58th is on their way in. Wheels down in about 55 mikes."

"Any news?" The doctor concentrated on suturing the lacerated arm of the young Marine on her table.

"They say one shrapnel wound, Ma'am," he grinned as he watched her shoulders relax at the news. "Nothing serious."

"Did they say who?" Jen was relieved. They had been gone for almost two days and this time McQueen had gone with them.

"No, Ma'am. You want me to close for you?" Trosper offered as he pointed toward the wound the Doctor was working on.

"I'm almost done here," she smiled at the young Sargent. "Thanks for the offer. Tell Joan I said thank you, for the heads-up."

An hour later Jenny treated Shane's right leg for a gash caused by flying debris. "Sorry Shane, but I'm keeping you for the night," Jenny smiled at the Marine. "Since they saw fit to drag you around in a tank, for a day and a half, with that leg injury, I want you on intravenous antibiotics just to be on the safe side."
.........................................

Saratoga April 21, 2064 -0100

Paul Wang was beginning to know the night sounds of the Saratoga almost as well as he did the day sounds. Ever since Kazbek, he had been plagued with insomnia. Tonight, he found himself in the darkened mess hall.

Getting coffee from the small lighted area at one end of the mess, he moved to below the windows, where he could watch the stars. He didn't hear the quiet footsteps of his commanding officer, until McQueen was pulling out a chair at his table.

"It helps to look out there doesn't it?" McQueen gestured with his coffee mug. "It makes everything clear and clean."

"Sir," Paul didn't know where to start. "Sir, I want a transfer, to someplace where I won't put anyone in danger, ever again."

"You'd have to be dead for that," McQueen sipped his coffee. "In life there are no guarantees, only choices."

"Yeah," Paul sneered. He couldn't get it out of his mind that he had been so desperate to get back the recording of his confession on Kazbek that he had been willing to strike a deal with an AI. "And I seem to make the wrong ones. I could've gotten you all killed!"

"This mission isn't the problem," McQueen looked into his cup, glad for the cover of the dark corner of the mess hall. "You're still having problems dealing with what happened to you on Kazbek. Earlier when I told you there were people in your life who could help you get back what you had lost, I was talking about me."

"You, Sir?" Paul looked up in surprise.

"During the AI War I was a prisoner," McQueen heard Paul gasp as he talked. "It was in November of 2056. That was the longest two weeks of my life.

"Two weeks, my God," Paul was amazed. "I wasn't able to hold out for ten hours!"

"I didn't hold out," McQueen murmured. He could see the deep cavern where he had been kept as if it was yesterday. "My plane was shot down while doing routine reconnaissance over Alaska. I was able to manually eject, but couldn't clear the damaged canopy and hit my head hard enough to knock me out. My 'chute must have opened on decent, because I have no memory of opening it.
........................................

November 2056, Alaska

Captain Tyrus Cassius McQueen's first thought was that he was cold, very cold. Was he back in the mines on Omicron Draconis? Taking a deep breath he fought the blackness that threatened to overpower him again. Grabbing onto anything, even the throbbing pain in his head, he forced himself to full consciousness. He pulled himself to a sitting position, only to be stabbed with dizziness and nausea that drove him to lay back down.

McQueen dug his nails into the packed dirt under him, as he rested until his stomach calmed and the dizziness passed. He tried to sit again, this time more gingerly. He gave a grunt of satisfaction when he was able to stay upright.

He was in a small cave that had bars on the front of it. He could hear moaning through the walls, on either side of him, but it was too dark to see more than a foot in front of his face.

"Hey, who's out there?" McQueen called out.

"Shut-up, Tank!" A very large AI stepped in front of his cell and hit the bars with a weapon. "There is no talking here, unless we ask the questions."

McQueen never knew how many people were kept in the underground cavern with him. He never saw anyone but AI's. He would hear screams at all hours of the day and night. If it was other prisoners, or AI's trying to wear him down, he never knew.

For some reason they hadn't take his watch. McQueen knew he was in the cell for 6 days 7 hours and 23 minutes before they came for him. At first listening to the screams had gotten on his nerves, then he devised a plan. First he repeated to himself how to take apart and reassemble every firearm he knew. He worked his way through the Marine Corps Code of Conduct and was half way through a mental blue-print of the Yorktown when they came for him.
...................................

Saratoga April 21, 2064, 0230

"By the time they came for me, I was exhausted to the point of disorientation," McQueen watched Paul shiver. "They worked on me for three days, before I broke. There were times when I didn't know if I was awake or dreaming."

"How did you hold out so long?" Paul had tears in his eyes.

"I don't know," McQueen looked deep into his cold coffee. "I would hear my screams and think they belonged to someone else. Sometimes they seemed to echo from far away."

"If I could have lasted longer, things would all be different," Paul sighed.

"This isn't a contest, Paul," McQueen whispered. "When you're an in-vitro, you're taught that your only reason for being created is to fight and then to die. I think that until that time I had always believed that I was a walking dead man. It's pretty hard to hurt a man who's already dead."

"Didn't you feel any of it?" Paul gasped.

"Oh yeah," McQueen gripped his mug until his knuckles turned white. "I felt it, but you said something last night. You asked 'why couldn't your body break down before your soul?'" McQueen gave a half smile, "I was never taught that I had a soul, so there was none to break. What was done. The pain.....was the only thing that told me I was still alive. Is that making any sense?"

"Yes. I knew as long as I felt what Elroy was doing to me I was still human," Paul met McQueen's eyes, knowing the other man understood him completely.

"In the end I broke and told them what they wanted to know. Don't kid yourself, Paul, you're not alone in this. No one, in-vitro or natural-born can stand-up to what they do to you," McQueen stood to look at the stars. "I know this much, I couldn't go through it again."

"You went in there after us, to that hell-hole on Kazbek, knowing that there were AI's in there?" Paul challenged.

"Yes, and I'd do it again," he knew that Paul needed to hear the truth. "But, they would never have taken me alive, nor would I have let them keep any of you alive."

The enormity of what the Colonel was saying hit Paul, and he was flooded with relief. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel helpless. Now he knew the decision was an easy one, life or death, no in-between, but the choice would be his. Paul hoped that he would always be able to choose to live, but if he couldn't? So be it. It would be his choice, not one forced on him by another. In that moment his soul began to heal.
..........................................

Saratoga, May 4, 2064, 2000 hours

Jenny stretched her arms over he head. Her shift in Sickbay was over. Things had been busy for the last month. The Saratoga was on a constant state of alert. Squadrons were going out at all times of the day and night. The Medical Corps was working hard to stay ahead of the wounded being brought in. Tonight she had promised to meet the Wildcards in the Tun for a quick drink. It had been a while since they had been together, and though she was tired she was looking forward to an evening out.

The bar was crowded and it's usual friendly atmosphere was muted. Soldiers looked tired, as if they had come in for a quick drink before hitting the rack. Jenny didn't see the 58th at their usual table. Shrugging her shoulders she worked her way to the bar to put in her order. Before she had time to do that, the ominous sounds of an argument getting loud and rough, broke out behind her.

"Take it out of here," Jenny turned as two large Marines converged on each other. "I said, take it out......" she reached for the meaty arm of the man closest to her. The Marine shook off her hand as he drew back his arm, his elbow came back, hard and fast, hitting her between the eyes, as he put his whole body into punching his friend.

Jenny heard the pop and snap of cartilage and bone breaking, as her head snapped back. She bounced against the bar and fell to the floor as the air whooshed out of her. The room seemed to be moving in slow motion. Large combat boots scuffled in front of her, keeping her trapped beneath the overhang of the bar.

Loud voices coming from far off brought the room back to a semblance of order. Jenny pulled back tighter against the bar in hope no one would see her, sitting with her hands covering her face.

"Dr. Kirkwood," Shane's worried voice sounded very close. "Jenny, let me get a look at you." The Marine carefully held Jenny's arms and pulled the injuried woman's hands away from her face.

"Shane, Vanessa?" Jenny shook her head, but she felt like she was moving at half speed. She could see the worried look on both Marines' faces.

"Break it up in here?" McQueen had just come through the swinging doors of the Tun.

"Attention on deck," someone yelled at the Colonel's presence.

"No," Jenny gasped as she saw feet quickly scamper to attention, very close to her. Her grip tightened on the two Marines she was hiding behind.

"Vansen, Damphousse?" McQueen barked, wondering why they were huddling under the bar.

"Sir," 'Phousse let go of Jenny's hand as the doctor hid her face again. "You better come over here."

McQueen took one look at the woman sitting with her back tight against the bar, her legs drawn up and her hands covering her face. His stomach clenched at the blood running down her neck and soaking into her sweater. For one instant, he was back in a hospital room in Houston. The sound of security guards arriving brought him back to the present.

"What the hell happened?" McQueen knelt in front of Jenny.

"I saw it from the door," Shane spoke quickly as Jenny pulled closer to her. "It was an accident, she was trying to stop a fight, when she got hit."

"Jen," McQueen held her gently by the wrists. He could feel her warm breath on his fingers. "Let me see how badly you're hurt."

"No, Ty," Jenny whispered. "Go away."

"Take those men to the brig," he called over his shoulder to the security guards. "I want a full report by 0800 tomorrow." He looked at Shane and Damphousse and indicated for them to leave him with Jenny.

"Jen," he rubbed the backs of her hands with his thumbs. "I need to see how bad it is? You're bleeding all over the place."

"Please, Ty, just go away," Jenny rocked as tears filled her eyes. She was mortified that she had been hurt. Then to have McQueen see her like this only added insult to injury. "It's broken, my nose is broken, that's where all the blood is coming from," she sobbed into her hands.

"Vansen," the ice in McQueen's voice hid his frustration and worry. "You and Damphousse take her to Sickbay. She won't let me anywhere near her." He stood and motioned the two Marines over.

As her two friends helped her to her feet, Jenny peeked over her hands to get a look at the icy expression on Ty's face. The anger that rolled off of him in waves made her cringe.

"Jen," he ground out as he glared at the three women going through the swinging doors of the Tun. "As soon as I get the paperwork taken care of in the brig, I'm coming to Sickbay. This isn't over yet."

Chico Voss patched Jenny up, though he argued when she insisted on going back to her own quarters for the night. He ignored her threat to sign herself out AMA (against medical advice), since it wasn't possible in the military, but decided that anyone well enough to argue the way she did was well enough to be released . He sent her on her way with a hypospray of pain medication, 10 brista-freeze packets, and Joan Brill to make sure the Doctor used the pain medication.
.............................................

Jenny's Quarters

"Jenny you get some sleep." Joan had helped the shivering woman change into an over-sized sweat shirt and administered the pain medication.

"Jen!" Loud knocking was heard at Jenny's hatch. "Let me in."

"Shhh," Jenny huddled against her pillows, holding brista-freeze packs on her eyes. "If we're really quiet, he won't know we're in here and he'll go away."

"Doctor," Joan laughed. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head? That man isn't going away."

"Okay, Okay," Jenny pulled her blanket over her face. "Let him in."

"Colonel," Joan opened the hatch. Her expression softened when she saw the worry on the man's face. "She's going to be all right. I've given her pain medication, so anything she says, well...don't court martial her," the older nurse smiled as she saw McQueen relax.

"I'm well acquainted with her sharp tongue, Commander," McQueen stepped into the room.

"Just remember, you've been warned," Joan grinned as she watched McQueen move toward the lump under the blankets. *"Now how did that line go, yes I remember now,"* laughing as she let herself out of Jenny's quarters and Shakespeare's words played in her head. * "'Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.'"*

"Jen..." he sat beside her on the bunk.

"I wasn't fighting," Jenny peeked out from under the blanket, but kept the packs on her eyes. "Really I wasn't. I wouldn't do anything that might damage my hands. At least not something foolish. One can't do surgery with swollen hands."

"Nor with swollen eyes,......" He reached for her hands.

"This wasn't my fault, McQueen!" She tried to pull away from him.

"I didn't think it was," McQueen was caught in a gentle tug-of-war as he tried to pull her hands away from her face. "Was the fight an accident?"

"What?" In her surprise, Jenny let him win. "You think this might have been done on purpose?"

"It wouldn't be the first time." He had talked to the two men in the brig, but he still didn't have an answer.

"This wasn't like Houston," she sat up needing to convince him and herself. "Really it wasn't."

"There's too much going on that we don't know about to take any chances," McQueen didn't want to scare her but he needed answers.

"Okay, give me a minute here," Jenny thought over the evening carefully. "No, Ty, it was an accident. That young Sargent didn't know I was behind him. All he cared about was hitting his friend, besides what would anyone have to gain by trying to give me two black eyes?"

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, Jen, but he didn't try, he succeeded." McQueen dodged her question.

"Ohhh," she moaned as she put the freeze packs back on her eyes. "You didn't answer my question. I'm tired of being kept in the dark around here." Jenny was angry at him for not giving her a straight answer. "How am I supposed to avoid a potentially dangerous situation if I don't know it exists!"

"Jen," he sighed. "I think this was nothing except an unfortunate accident, but I can't be sure."

"Just say it straight out," she removed the packs from her eyes needing to see him. "Please, don't play games with me."

"He hit you here," his finger touched her lightly were Chico Voss had taped her nose. "A little lower, say here." He let his finger drag lightly down to the tip of her nose, "with the correct angle, he could have driven the bone into your brain. It's a lethal blow."

"Nooo," Jen whispered, unable to take her eyes off McQueen.

"I don't want to frighten you," McQueen held her gaze. "You need to be careful. Until we get this all sorted out, you need to be very careful."

"I'm so tired of all this," she held the packs over her eyes again, too exhausted to pretend she was strong. "My head hurts, I can hardly see, and if I start to cry again, I won't be able to breath. Besides, blowing my nose makes my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my head."

"Do you want me to get Joan to stay with you tonight?" McQueen watched as she pulled the blanket over her head.

"No," she murmured. "I can take care of myself." A small traitorous voice shouted inside of her, *"please stay with me."*

"I know you can, Jen, but you don't always have to," he picked up a throw he recognized from a couch on Catalina and added it to the blanket she already had over her.

"Thanks, Ty," a voice came from under the lump of blankets. "How did you know I was cold?"

"Just a wild guess," he whispered, knowing her needs better than he liked to admit. The only time she didn't wear multiple layers of clothes was when she was in the OR. "Get some sleep, Jen."

"UmmHmm," her fingers of one hand were all that was sticking out from the pile of blankets as he left her quarters.

Jenny hadn't been the only casualty of the fight in the Tun Tavern on the night of April 21. In her injured condition, the doctor was put on sick leave, therefore wasn't there when Cooper Hawkes was brought into Sickbay a week and a half later. He had received a mild head injury in a skirmish with a group of Chigs. Due to the heavy in-flow of patients that day, none of the regular Saratoga medical staff had taken care of him. He was put on phyllophetamines for pain relief.
...............................

Saratoga May 12, 2064, 0315 hours

Cooper Hawkes tossed and turned on the bunk in the detox room. His dreams were confusing. He didn't know where he was. When he moved, his body was hit with muscle cramps that made him scream in pain. The voices that were yelling in his brain were trying to drown out the calmer voices in the background. Some small part of him knew that if he could hold onto the quiet sound of the man and the woman in the background, he would win the fight with the screaming in his head.

It was Hawkes third night in detox, the night before had been bad, but this was the worst so far. McQueen had finally ordered everyone out of the room. Jen had refused to leave on medical grounds and he couldn't argue with her on that, though he had wanted to.

"They're coming over the ridge!" Cooper called out and tried to push to his feet, looking around frantically. "Colonel, give me my weapon back, those damn Chigs will break through anytime now."

"Easy, Hawks," McQueen kept his voice soft as the young in-vitro fought the same battle for the third time that night.

"Shane!" Hawkes screamed. "Shane they've got her. I have to get to her," he pushed past Jenny who had been sitting on the edge of his bunk, rubbing his back.

"Easy Coop," Jen regained her balance and glared at McQueen who had grabbed for Hawkes. "Shane's just fine. Can you hear me Coop?"

"Cooper," McQueen took his lead from Jen. "Lay back down. Shane's asleep in her quarters."

"No," the big Marine pushed against McQueen. "Oohhh," he cried out as his muscles spasmed. "Colonel, you gotta help me!" He curled up in pain.

"I will. I'm right here for you," McQueen gripped the younger man's shoulder and sat beside him.

"No," Hawkes gasped. "You made me leave them behind! We left them, and you knew what they'd do to them! They'll hurt her like they did Wang."

"Easy Coop," Jenny knelt beside the bunk. "Shane's fine. Remember, you got her safely back to the Saratoga?"

"No, we left her," he looked to McQueen for conformation. "She was unconscious. I couldn't lift the beam off of her. We left them all."

"Ty," Jen leaned against his knee as he sat beside Coop on the bunk. "Go get Shane, he needs to hear her voice and know that she's all right."

"I'm not leaving you alone in here," his eyes froze remembering another night when he had been the one out of his head from Greens.

Turning, she focused all her attention on McQueen. His face was gray and his usually clear blue eyes, bloodshot. For the first time she realized how hard this was on him. He was seeing not only Coop, going through detox, but he was picturing himself, as well. Added to that, was the weight of some of the accusations Hawkes was sending his way.

"All right," she whispered, knowing the Colonel needed time to regroup. She wished things were different and she could hold him as he had her the night before Kazbek. He may be learning how to give comfort, but from his stiff posture, Jenny could tell that he wasn't ready to accept it yet, not from her.

"Thanks," McQueen whispered as Jenny stood. He watched her body freeze for just a moment, then move out the door.

Jenny didn't have far to go to get Shane. The Wildcards were sleeping in the hall, out of sight of the soundproofed detox room.

"Shane," Jenny touched her shoulder. "Wake-up Shane. I need you to come with me for a few minutes."

"Sure," Shane came awake instantly. "Anything you need."

"Can we come too?" Nathan, got to his feet to follow.

"No, Nathan," Jen patted him on the shoulder. "Just Shane for the moment."

"What can I do?" Shane followed the Doctor around the corner and down the hall.

"He needs to hear your voice," Jen explained. "He thinks he's still on Kazbek and that the AI's have you guys. But Shane....."she stopped and looked at the Marine. "This is almost as hard on T...the Colonel, as it is on Coop, so don't be surprised if he isn't exactly himself.""

"Looks to me as if it's pretty hard on you too, Doctor." Shane wiped at a tear that was rolling down Jenny's cheek.

"No," Jen shook her head. "I'm doing fine."

"Yeah sure, tough lady," Shane put her arms around the smaller woman and gave her a quick hug. "You'll get Coop through this."

"Shane, thanks." For one second Jenny let herself lean on Shane, before she took a deep breath and opened the door. "I needed that."

"Nooo," Hawkes cried out. The only thing that was keeping him from going over the edge was the sound of McQueen's voice coming from far away.

"Talk to him, Shane," Jenny nudged the Marine forward. "Reassure him that you're all alive and safe."

"Coop, it's me," Shane knelt beside the bunk and reached for his hand.

"No, its a trick," Hawkes shook his head, trying to focus his eyes. "The AI's got all of you. I'm sorry I left you."

"Shhh," she leaned closer to the man on the bunk. "I'm right here. We're all here on the Saratoga."

"Talk to him, Shane," Jen leaned down to speak softly in her ear. "Just let him hear your voice."

McQueen and Jenny moved back where they could keep an eye on what was going on, but could still give Cooper and Shane privacy.

"Jen, go get something to eat and some rest," McQueen took her arm to lead her toward the door. "Shane and I'll handle it for the next few hours."

"I want to see him through tonight," Jen moved away from him. "Shane's here with me, why don't you go get food and......"

"No," McQueen stood his ground. "I'm not going to leave you with him, even if Shane is here. Besides, I can rest when I'm dead."

"You know you said that to me once, when I was trapped on Kordis," she shook her head when she realized what she had said. "Actually Colonel," Jenny thought fast to cover her mistake. "I was going to suggest you bathe."

"Hump," he nodded, realizing she'd touched on a subject she wanted to stay away from. "If you think this is bad, you should see me when I come in from a mission."

"I have, and smelled you too," Jen crossed her arms to put more distance between them.

"What no Hammerhead fuel?" McQueen gave her a half smile. He didn't know why he had pushed her, but he saw his remark hit it's target.

"Look McQueen," Jen turned away from him. "Neither you nor I want to leave, so lets stop the verbal sparing. I'll go over there and get some rest," she pointed to a nest of blankets that they had been using to catch naps. "You wake me in two hours and you get some sleep then."

McQueen waited until Jenny was settled in the shadowy corner of the room, before going back to where Shane was talking softly to a restless Cooper Hawkes.

"How's he doing, Captain?" The Colonel knelt beside the bunk.

"He fell asleep a few minutes ago," Shane whispered, still letting Coop hold her hand. "How're you doing, Sir."

"I've been better," he rubbed his eyes. "If Jen's predictions are correct, tonight was the worst of it."

"She doesn't look like she can take much more," Shane looked over her shoulder, seeing only the outline of the sleeping woman. "She looks worse than she did when we picked her up off of Kordis, but it could be the black eyes." Though the swelling had subsided a lot in the last few days, the area around the Doctor's eyes was every shade from black/purple to a yellow/green.

"I've only seen her look worse once," it had been a year, but McQueen could still remember what Jen had looked like when he walked into that hospital room in Houston.

"When she was mugged?" Shane was holding Hawkes' hand in one of hers, with the other hand she was unconsciously rubbing the back of his arm.

"She told you about that?" McQueen frowned. That was something he hadn't expected.

"I cut her hair, Sir," Shane didn't need to say more, they both knew about the scar on the back of Jen's neck and how she got it.

"What else did she have to say?" He was looking at the sleeping woman across the room.

"Nothing," Shane saw McQueen watching Jenny. "She never talks about herself but...."

Shane stopped in mid sentence when Jenny began to toss and turn, mumbling in her sleep. The young Marine watched in amazement when her commander got up and moved to the woman. McQueen knelt beside Jen and pulled the blanket up around her shoulders as he talked softly. Words that only Jenny and he could hear. The sound of his voice quieting her. He sat with her for a moment before returning to the other end of the room, where Shane had quickly averted her eyes. The Captain knew she had caught a glimpse into the private life of her commander and she wasn't sure she was comfortable having seen it.

"Nightmares," McQueen murmured as he sat back down. He had forgotten that Shane was in the room.

"I had hoped she wasn't still having them," Shane looked back at Jenny.

"What do you mean?" McQueen wondered how much the 58th knew about Jenny.

"When she was quartered with us she used to wake up screaming," Shane couldn't meet McQueen's eyes. "At first she would walk the ship for hours, then for some reason she stopped doing that. When she would wake with a nightmare, she would go back to sleep and sleep through the night," Shane wasn't going to tell him about finding Jenny sleeping clutching a sweat shirt. Whoever the shirt had belonged to was very important to the Doctor and Shane didn't think McQueen would understand.

"Did she talk to you about her nightmares?" He hadn't realized Jen was still having them. She hadn't said a thing to him about them since that first night in the alcove.

"No, Sir," Shane looked at Hawkes as she spoke. "She didn't say anything to us about them. We, decided that if she didn't want to talk about them, we'd respect her privacy. I'm not sure we did her any favors by doing that. If it had been one of us, she'd have demanded to know what was wrong and not let go until we talked."

"I think you people have her number," McQueen grinned.

"Sir," Shane turned to her commander. "I realize that something is going on that's classified. Something she's involved in." Shane and Vanessa had talked about it and were worried. The Doctor was working on something in her quarters, something that Ross and McQueen knew about, but no one else. "But isn't there anything you can do? She doesn't belong out here."

"None of us belong out here, Vansen," McQueen's voice was crisp and brooked no response.

"Colonel, I'm worried about her," Shane whispered. "I don't think she's as tough as she pretends."

"How so?" McQueen watched Vansen fidget, "you started this Vansen, finish it."

"I'm not talking about in Sickbay or when she's functioning as a doctor," Shane squinted her eyes picturing Jenny, searching for the right words. "Anyone who can amputate a man's arm with a K-bar and a survival saw, has what it takes, but inside all of that there is someone else completely. The part that really worries me is that I think she hides that person from herself as well as others."

"Go on," she had caught his attention completely.

"Well, Sir, every once in a while," Shane stopped and licked her lips, not sure the in-vitro man would understand what she was about to say. "Every once in a while, when she's tired, or doesn't think anyone is looking, I catch a glimpse of another woman in there. One who's hurting badly."

"Vansen," McQueen sighed. "We've all been hurt in one way or another, that's life."

"Yes, Sir," Shane had taken the matter as far as she dared. A quick glance at the Colonel and she knew that without hard evidence she wasn't getting anywhere on the matter. She had done all she could do for the moment. How could she explain to a man who had never shed a tear, about a woman who would cry silently, fighting to keep it a secret?
......................................

May 15, 2064 Jenny's Quarters 1900 hours

Jenny was missing something in her research. She shook her head as she decided that she was going to have to start from the beginning. She still didn't have an answer for Commodore Ross. So far she had found nothing out of the ordinary in her notes.

"Dr. Kirkwood," someone knocked on her hatch. "It's me Cooper, can I come in?"

"Hi Coop, how're you feeling," Jenny opened her door for the young man. "You look great!"

"I'm feeling much better, Doctor," he smiled. "I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. I was out of it, but I knew you were there all the time, both you and the Colonel."

"This never should have happened in the first place, Coop," Jenny had been furious when she found out that phyllophetamines were still in the Navy's Pharmaceutical Formulary. The doctor who had prescribed them for Coop had been a 'swing-shifter', one of the medical personal who moved through the carriers, working two to three week assignments to help out in emergencies.

"Lady-Doc, even if you'd been there," Coop shrugged, "it was so busy, the casualties coming in so fast, you'd probably have been in surgery. The other doctor would have taken care of me anyway. I need to ask you about something else."

"Sit down, you look worried," Jenny offered him the desk chair and took her usual place on the side of the bunk across from him.

"It's something that happened when we were on the Bacchus," Hawkes mumbled. "It's kind of embarrassing, but I need to ask you about it."

"Coop, remember I'm your doctor as well as your friend," Jenny smiled. She was afraid she knew what was coming. "You can tell me anything and it won't go any further."

"There was this woman," he couldn't meet her eyes. "And yes we did, well, you know....?" He blushed when he thought about the experience. "but that's only part of what's bothering me. Dr. Kirkwood, she was an in-vitro, and she had a baby," the only way he could tell this was to just say it. "And well, she had a whole pile of Greens."

"Wait. Back up here a second." Jenny was trying to find the root of his worry. "I gather you were with a woman. You slept with this lady."

"She was no lady, Doc," he answered emphatically.

"That's what I was getting at," Jenny smiled. "She was a woman who slept with men for money? And that's bothering you?"

"No, well yes a little," Hawkes needed Jenny to see what was wrong. "What I want to know is how a woman like that gets a pile of Greens. She was taking them by the handful and she had a kid and everything to raise."

"You're not worried about your health?" Jenny needed to make sure.

"No way, Jenny!" Coop grinned, "I may have been inexperienced, but I'm not stupid. I know how to take care of myself."

"You're wondering where she got all the Greens?" Jenny looked over at her research disks on her desk. "Did this woman work for the Bacchus?"

"I guess so," he shrugged. "She lived there. It's so wrong for her to be taking those things and be a mother and all. How can that be allowed?"

"That's a good question, that I don't have an answer to. You had some blood work done today," Jenny needed one more thing from Hawkes. "Would you mind if I did a DNA scan on it?"

"I guess not," he didn't understand what his DNA had to do with anything. "But what about...?"

"I want to check something," Jen's mind was already on what she needed to do. "Can I get back to you about the rest of this. I have an idea, but I have to check it out first."

After Coop left, Jenny went to work. She pulled up the two in-vitro DNA scans she had in her notes. These scans belonged to Patsy Howard and the first in-vitro, Max, the son of Roger and Marla Abaan.

Max had been born after a nine month gestation period that produced a baby, instead of the six year gestation period that produced an 18 year old. There were no growth hormones added. Since subliminal teaching programs weren't necessary, there was no need for a neck navel that gave access to the brain. The infant that was produced was like any other baby.

The Abaan's had been childless. When Marla was able to conceive, she had been unable to carry to term. They had been a research team in genetic engineering who were active in fighting the growing problem of infertility among the human race.

As she was processing Hawkes' DNA, Jenny began researching the drug phyllophetamine. By midnight, a terrible picture was forming. She needed more samples of in-vitro DNA to prove her hypothesis and she knew of only one place to get any.

"Col. McQueen," Jen knocked on his hatch, she knew it was late, but she needed his help. "It's Dr. Kirkwood."

"What do you want Jen?" A sleep rumpled McQueen answered the door. He was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt that left little to the imagination.

"I may have found something," she mouthed in the corridor. "But I need your help," was added in a whisper.

"In here," he turned on the light on his desk, as he let her into his quarters. "What have you found?"

"So far it's only an hypothesis," she took a deep breath working up the courage. "I need a sample of your DNA. A few cc's of blood would do."

"What's this all about?" McQueen didn't like it, but he trusted Jenny.

"May I use your computer, I'll show you," Jenny pulled disks from the bag over her shoulder, as they moved to his desk. "This is DNA taken from Patsy Howard, next to it is the DNA structure of Max Abaan, nothing so far," Jen scrolled to the next page. Here I've added Coop's DNA. See this odd peptide strand? There's a third amino acid there. Look, here is my DNA, beside Patsy's and Max's. All three contain a double amino acid on that peptide, not the triplet like on Coop's. I need to see if you have a pairing or triplet on your DNA in that spot."

"What are you trying to prove here?" McQueen was fascinated by the DNA mapping.

"This is going to sound far-fetched, so hear me out. What if that extra amino acid is the cause of phyllophetamine addiction?" Jenny could tell he wasn't following her. "Patsy has no problems with Greens, she was given them at one time for her knee when she fell. She never developed an addiction. She has a double amino acid, not a triplet."

"If that triplet has anything to do with phyllophetamines, and that's a big 'if', how do you know that the Greens didn't cause it. Not the other way around." McQueen leaned over Jenny, one hand on the back of her chair, the other hand on the desk. "Maybe there is something in the drug that would cause a mutation in some in-vitros?"

"Because of this, " Jenny changed screens. "Look at this. It's Coop's DNA structure, taken from his medical file. This screening was done when he was put into the judicial system, and it was passed along to the Marine Corps. At the time this was done, he had never had any Greens. I rechecked his tonight to be sure. Look and tell me what you see, when I put the two screens together."

"They're the same," McQueen looked down into Jenny's face. She was so close her hair tickled his arm when she moved her head. "It could mean nothing." His mind was working and he didn't like the picture it was producing.

"One of the things I've never understood about phyllophetamine addiction is why it would effect in-vitros only," Jenny took a deep breath then plunged in. "I can't prove any of this, but what if that extra amino acid was put there on purpose?" She let her statement sink in before continuing. "I've done some research. Aerotech marketed the phyllophetamine family of drugs in 2041, but had been researching it for 6 years before that. The In-Vitro Authority is owned and operated by Aerotech. You were born in 2042 and you're one of the oldest patients I've ever treated for addiction to Greens."

"That alone should disprove your theory," it made McQueen sick to contemplate the implications, if Jen was correct. "I was in the tank when that drug came on the market."

"No it doesn't!" Jenny wanted badly to be wrong, but she needed for McQueen to look at all the angles. "Haven't you ever wondered why the survival rate for gestational in-vitros was only 20%? I have. What if someone was manipulating DNA to produce a drug controllable human being? And 'oh so sorry, but until I get it right, they're nothing but lab rats! Expendable!' If that was the case, they would wait to put the drug on the market until they knew it would work."

"Take it easy, Jen," McQueen wanted to hit out at something, but didn't want Jen to pick up on his anger.

"Coop was telling me about a prostitute he met on the Bacchus," Jenny stressed the name. "Again, a place owned and operated by Aerotech. She had a box full of Greens. Phyllophetamines aren't easy or cheap to come by on the street. Remember I told you and Commodore Ross that I wasn't working on anything at the time I was transferred from the In-Vitro Health Facility to the Moonbase, but that I was waiting to hear on three grant proposals. One of the grants was for research into the cause and prevention of phyllophetamines addiction."

"I think you had better take that blood sample," McQueen clenched his fists at the implications of what Jen might have uncovered. "Even if I have the triplet, it's just supposition, but Aerotech's name comes up too often for my liking."

"I know this sounds like ranting," Jen stood, moving out of the light and into the shadows. She had enough of the picture of Amy McQueen grinning at her, from beside the computer. *"I may be a fool to love him,"* Jen thought as she had glared at the picture. *"But you were the bigger fool to have stopped loving him."* "There's one other thing, Ty. I believe that's the only copy of the Abaan's research notes in existence."

"How did you get them?" He liked this less and less as she talked.

"When I was researching my book, I went to see Dr. Abaan. He was a sad old man. His wife and son had been killed by AI's. He was living in seclusion in his native Philippines," Jenny turned to the porthole to watch the stars, still seeing the look on the old man's face. "By the time I met Dr. Abaan, he was sick with disgust at what the world had done with his ideas. I think he gave me his field notes to make amends."

"It wasn't his fault," McQueen watched Jen turn her head to look at him. "But those notes prove that Max Abaan isn't the myth people pretend he is."

"I'm sorry, Ty. I'd never bring this to you, if it weren't so important," she turned, her eyes catching the bunk he had recently crawled out of. Her mouth went dry as she could make out the imprint of his head on the pillow. "A..a..you realize I can't prove any of this? Even if we were back on Earth, I'd have to turn this over to a genetic engineer," she was relieved that she was able to find her train of thought, again.

"Jen," McQueen moved quietly behind her and gently turned her around. "How long since you had a full night's sleep?" He looked into her eyes, still bruised from when her nose was broken. He could smell the rose scent that was always a part of her. McQueen felt his quarters shrink. A bunk that was three feet away was suddenly too close for comfort, or was it?

"I'd say about a year," Jen laughed up at him. "You're not one to talk. Coop's detox was as rough on you as it was on him." She knew they were standing too close, but she didn't want to move away. His hands were still on her shoulders and she could feel the warmth of his sides under her palms. *"When did I reach for him? Have I always held him like this?"* Nonsense thoughts flashed through her head.

"The information in those notes has waited this long," McQueen whispered, his head nodding slightly toward the bunk. "One more night won't make any difference. The choice is yours."

Was he asking what she though he was? Jenny could only stare into clear blue eyes that were everything she had ever wanted. As if the Saratoga could feel the uncertainty that was beating through two of its occupants, it bucked. The ship made the decision. Causing the man and woman to hold on to each other for support for one moment, then they pulled quickly apart. The ship righted itself and resumed it's course, but in it's heart could be heard the hum of *"later, when the time is right."*
..............................

May 16, 2064, 2230 Commodore Ross' Quarters

"Go over this one more time for me Doctor," Commodore Ross rubbed his sore head. Not only was Operation Roundhammer heating up, but Kirkwood and McQueen were in his office with an outlandish idea that made his skin crawl. "This time in English, please."

"Okay," Jenny took a deep breath and looked over to McQueen for support. "This is a comparison of DNA from five different people. The first three are from people who have never had addiction to phyllophetamines, two of which are in-vitros, one of which I know has taken Greens for pain relief."

Jenny went back over her theory, building her case as best she could. If what she thought was true, then Aerotech or someone working for them had done gene manipulation to produce in-vitros that could be easily controlled by giving them an addiction to Greens.

"You're telling me that you think this is what was in your research that made it so important someone would kill for?" Ross looked at Jenny thoughtfully.

"That is assuming we haven't been chasing our tails," Jenny smiled. "There could be nothing here to begin with. I don't know anymore, but this is all I've been able to come up with."

"What do you think, Ty?" Ross turned to his friend who had been silent up until now.

"Sir, I don't know what to believe either," McQueen shook his head. "When Jen showed me this last night I was skeptical, but my DNA mapping showed the same as Hawkes'. And I've never trusted Aerotech."

"Commodore," Jen cut in. "If this extra amino acid has anything to do with phyllophetamine addiction, it would be a reason for recall of the drug. As far as I'm concerned that's reason enough to pursue it. No more men and women given a medication to help them by an unthinking in-utero, and ending up addicted."

"Okay," Ross looked from McQueen to Kirkwood. "I'm going to send this on to General Savage. This isn't to be discussed outside of this room. Dr. Kirkwood do I have all the disks I gave you?"

"Yes, Sir," Jen indicated to the pile on his desk. "And the one with my report on it."

"Good work, Doctor," Ross nodded.

"I don't know about that, Sir," Jenny reached for her bracelet, then noticed both men watching her hands, dropped them to her sides. "The thought that someone might have created this problem for financial gain, makes me sick to my stomach."

Ross looked from McQueen to Jenny. They were sitting as far apart as possible. Unlike the last time they had been in his office, McQueen made no attempt to give the Doctor any support.

"You said it yourself last night, 'lab rats'," McQueen's icy voice cut across the room.

"NO!" Jenny stood, hands on her hips facing the Colonel, forgetting that Ross was there. "Don't you ever refer to yourself in that derogatory manner again, or any other in-vitro. You are a man, a human being, no different from any other person on this ship!" She turned away and caught the shocked look on Ross' face. "I apologize Sir," she whispered. "I'm just so sick of fighting this fight."

"Then maybe it's time you gave it up?" McQueen whispered from behind her.

"What?" she spun around. "I can't change what I believe."

"Even when it costs you so much?" McQueen pushed. "When it makes people hurt you? Hate you? When it could cost you your life?"

"Even then." She turned to Ross, "Sir, may I be excused? I don't believe there is anything I can add to this conversation, that hasn't already been said."

"Jen," McQueen called out as she moved to the door.

"No, Ty," she turned glaring at him. "I've never expected you to be other then you are. How can you expect me to be less then I am?" She turned away from McQueen, unable to look him in the eyes any longer. Then whispered raggedly, "it's already cost me far more then you'll ever know."

The door clicked shut as she left. *"For once I'm doing the walking out,"* she thought. Heading for her quarters. She felt again, all the loss she had felt when he had walked out on her in Houston. Never again would she let a man break her heart!

"McQueen!" Ross glared at his friend. "What the hell was that all about? I've never seen you be knowingly cruel, before!"

"Cruel? She doesn't have a clue what she's walking into," McQueen turned to his friend. "Sir, if anyone hears about what's in her report, she's as good as dead. Letting that happen would be cruel!"

"You think Jenny may have stumbled onto the root of all this mess, too?" Ross wasn't sure if he was angered or relieved that McQueen thought as he did.

"There are too many odd things happening recently for me to be comfortable," McQueen walked to the porthole and gazed out at the stars. "Did you know she was mugged at an In-Vitro Rights Rally a year ago? It wasn't someone out to rob her, they wanted to hurt her, and they did."

"Oh my God! That's why she was on sick leave when the war started?" Ross poured a drink for himself and one for McQueen.

"Yes Sir," the Colonel took a drink from his glass. "And that fight earlier in the month? She shouldn't have gotten hurt like she did."

"You think there was more to it than meets the eye," Ross moved to his safe with the mini-disks.

"Nothing I can prove, or those men would have spent their time in irons in Sickbay, instead of the brig." McQueen finished his drink and put his glass on the Commodore's desk. "I wish you would wait to send those disks on to Savage, Sir. If someone wasn't trying to kill her before, they'll be after her when those go public."

"Ty," Ross sighed. "I've got to send this on to General Savage, the ramifications are too great. He'll handle it quietly, he's not stupid. Besides, if we let it go, can you imagine the public fuss Dr. Kirkwood would raise? That would really put her in danger. As long as we keep her here on the Saratoga, and let Savage deal with this back on Earth, we minimize her risk."

"You trust him that much, Sir?" McQueen turned to his friend.

"With my life!"

"But this is Jen's life we're talking about." McQueen felt something move in himself. A barrier stretched very thin. He could almost see through it. He knew if he could, he'd understand what had been nagging at him for months. But as quickly as the barrier had thinned, it thickened again and became an impenetrable wall.

"I realize that. I don't want her hurt either, but this needs to be done." Ross sighed, not liking the situation any better than McQueen did. "Now you get some sleep. You haven't had much lately, and it's showing. We have a busy time ahead of us in the next few weeks."
.....................................

May 20, 2064 Saratoga

The shit had good and truly hit the fan. The 15th Earth Fleet was amassing in the Pegasus Sector for a major assault: the first step in Operation Roundhammer. The Saratoga had been chosen as War Operations Headquarters for the retaking of an airstrip on Demios. One couldn't walk down a corridor without running into an officer of Fleet Rank. If the Chigs had known, they could have wiped out a major part of the command structure of Earth Forces by taking out the Saratoga.

Ross had been right when he said that there were busy weeks ahead of them. McQueen was grateful for that. As long as he kept busy he didn't think about Jen and what had almost happened in his quarters the week before. It was at night when his mind was too tired to keep thoughts of her out, that they slipped in uninvited. *"I don't have time for this,"* he muttered as he punched his pillow. *"I'm a soldier, that is my 'genuine path'. But why do thoughts of Jen keep slipping in when I least expect them?"*
..................................

May 21, 2064 Saratoga - 2100 hours

McQueen was feeling old, very old. Today he had spoken like a soldier, spoken with his head, but his heart may very well pay the price. The invasion of Demios had been a disaster! With every second that passed the Saratoga was going further and further away from all that had become important to McQueen in the last year. The 15th fleet was heading toward Ixion, a planet 50 AU's away from the Chig's home planet. In doing so, it was leaving 25,000 troops trapped on Demios. Among those men and women were the Wildcards.

"Ty," Ross joined McQueen in an almost deserted mess hall. A yellow Marine Corps telegram gripped in the Commodore's hand. He saw his friend pull back in surprise. "No, this isn't for you. Don't worry. After they checked in at 1900, nothing else was heard."

"I always thought I was safe from those things," McQueen gripped his coffee mug. "I guess I was wrong."

"I got the list from the Eisenhower," Ross stopped, remembering the long list of names from the destroyed carrier. "Joan Brill's daughter, Donna, was CMO on that ship. I've just come from there now. Jenny went with me, thank goodness. Joan took one look at the telegram in my hand, thanked me, and then asked me to leave. I could hear her crying through the hatch."

"Any chance she's on planet?" McQueen wasn't sure which would be easier, knowing right away, or this terrible waiting.

"No," the Commodore sighed. "They hadn't dropped medical personnel yet."

They sat drinking coffee, neither man talking, each remembering the angry words that had passed between them earlier in the day. Each glad the other was there.

"Ty," Ross cleared his throat and looked up at his friend. "I'm sorry about what I said this morning. You were right, you know? You were only saying what we all knew to be right, but didn't want to say."

"Sir, in theory those words were right." McQueen tapped the yellow envelope sitting between them, "but this isn't theory." The 'deathgram' sitting between them made the Colonel wonder how he could have spoken out so vehemently, twelve hours earlier, on the military advantages of leaving Demios in favor of Ixion.

"Glen," Jenny joined the men at the table. She was pale and they could see she'd been crying. "Joan's resting now, I gave her something to help her sleep. I'll take this," she pocketed the telegram. "Joan'll want it when she's thinking clearly."

McQueen handed her his half full coffee cup and she took it gratefully. Wrapping her hands around it to keep them warm as she drank the strong black liquid.

"Thanks for the help," Ross hated that part of his job.

"I think she knew already, there were so many rumors circulating about the Eisenhower. Take it from me, confirmation is easier than the uncertainty of not knowing." Jen's eyes filled for a moment as she remembered what it was like to wait. The days and hours she'd spent wandering the cliffs above Catalina Harbor. The momentary relief she'd felt when she read Ty's name, followed by tears.

"You were a big help," Ross smiled at her, knowing that she was remembering a loss of her own, he wished he could ask her about it. "Joan's been in the military so long, that my presence was forcing her to act like an officer, but with you, she was able to act like a woman."

"I'm glad I was able to be there. She's my friend." Jenny closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "she'd do it for me." She looked into the empty coffee cup, anything to keep from looking at the face she really wanted to look at. "I finished your coffee, sorry, Ty."

"That's okay," McQueen breathed a sigh of relief. They hadn't exchanged a word that wasn't necessary for their jobs, since he'd angered her in Ross' office. "You looked like you needed it more then I did," he smiled. "Besides, I've had enough of it today to fuel the Saratoga for a month."

"How're you holding up?" She covered his hand with hers.

"Doing what needs to be done," he answered cryptically, giving her hand a small squeeze, before breaking contact.

"As your doctor, I say cut back on the caffeine," she smiled at McQueen, understanding his need to keep a tight reign on himself. "But as your friend, I say do what ever it takes to get you through."

Jenny pulled her eyes away from McQueen's. Ross was watching them closely. She quickly regrouped and slipped into doctor mode to pull her wall back in place.

"You two look exhausted," she looked from one to the other. "If we're to get back there anytime soon," Jenny's voice broke as she spoke of Demios. "You'll need your wits about you in the coming days, get some sleep tonight, Doctor's orders........And please, when you hear from them," she spoke to both men, but was looking at Ty. "Keep me posted? I mean either way, good or bad."

Ross was about to speak when he heard McQueen's soft voice, "Jen, you'll know what we do, I promise."

"Thanks, Ty," she met his eyes, then got up quickly and left.

"I wonder who's there for her when she needs it?" Ross watched the Doctor leave the mess hall.

"Sir?" McQueen looked inquiringly at his friend and commanding officer.

"She dips into that well of strength of hers so often," Ross was still watching where the woman had left the room. "I wonder who listens to her cry?" Then to test a theory he added, "there was a time when I'd have liked it to be me." He hid a slight grin when he saw McQueen's hands tighten on the empty coffee mug. *"Too bad those two were still in love with other people,"* Ross thought. *"That's a friendship that had possibilities, if either of them looked further than the pain they were carrying around."*
.......................................

Planet Demios, June 20, 2064, 1800 hours

Wang and Damphousse were in a small cave guarding the radio. Vansen, West, and Hawkes had gone to investigate debris that had fallen on Demios earlier that day.

"They'll be back soon," Wang pushed his dirty hair out of his eyes. He was exhausted. The only thing that kept him going was remembering McQueen's words to him in a darkened mess hall weeks ago. "It's almost time for check-in."

"Shane'll be back for that, she'd check in from hell, if she could find a way to take the radio with her," 'Phousse grinned at Paul. Their eyes held for a moment, then they both looked quickly away.

"Vanessa..."

"Paul, don't say it," she warned, panic in her voice.

"I don't want one of us to go through life, regretting it not being said," he whispered.

"Either we all live, or we all die," 'Phousse grabbed his shoulder. "No one is going to regret anything!"

"Then since we're all going to live," Paul smiled at her. "I want you to know that I think we made the wrong decision when we got back from R&R. When we get off this hellish rock and have some time to ourselves, I'm going to prove it to you."

"Paul?" Vanessa's jaw dropped open as her heart warmed.

"I care about you, Vanessa, I care about you a great deal," he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Live or die, there is no one I would rather be with right now."

'Phousse only had time to shake her head in agreement, as West called out the recognition code.

"We struck gold, man," Hawkes grinned as he pulled his pack off. "K-rations! A whole box full. That makes five cans each."

"Easy guys," Vansen warned. "We need to make those last. Who knows when we'll find more. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of eating grubs."

"Somehow, I don't think I'll ever look at sushi the same again," West laughed as he helped Coop divide up the cans while Vansen and Damphousse put through the nightly call to the Saratoga.

An hour later they huddled in the cave, as rain poured down outside. For the first time since they had been left there a month ago, their spirits were lifted.

"I never thought K-rations would taste like a gourmet meal," 'Phousse rubbed her stomach. "All we needed was a bottle of wine to make it complete."

"May I suggest to the ladies," Paul bowed his head to Shane and Vanessa, and used a mangled French accent. "The '60 Sarah, it's a full bodied wine, but won't overpower the flavor of preservatives found in the K-rations of the day."

"Don't even talk to me about wine," Shane held up her hand as she grinned. "I can't believe the headache I had after that party with Dr. Kirkwood."

"You," 'Phousse giggled softly. "Jenny was a bit green for two days!"

"So?" Coop looked slyly at the two women. "What do you guys talk about when it's just the women?"

"Probably the same things you do," Shane challenged. "When it's just the you, West, Wang and McQueen."

"McQueen?" Nathan looked at Shane in surprise. "He doesn't talk to anybody, at least not like you mean."

"He does to Jenny," 'Phousse was looking off in the distance, trying to clear cobwebs from her memory. "Talk to her about important things, I mean."

"To Jenny?" Hawkes couldn't picture it. "How do you know?"

"I don't know," Vanessa shook her head. "I just do."

"Hold it there," Paul put his hand on her shoulder. "This isn't more ESP is it?"

"No, no!" She shook her head. "There's been no more of that, thank goodness. It's something I think I overheard, them.....talking about...."

"Not the Colonel," Hawkes interrupted. "Jenny's natural-born. He says in-vitros and natural-borns don't mix. At least not, well you know, men and women type things."

"I guess 'once burned, twice shy," Vansen sighed. "We better turn in, we're off at first light tomorrow. We've hidden here for too long already. I'll take the first watch."
....................................

The Saratoga June 20, 2064, 1945 hours

McQueen and Jenny were finishing dinner. They met in the mess hall as soon after the 58th's 1900 call in as they could. Many nights, one was leaving as the other would arrive, and there would be time for nothing more than a quick exchange of news. Often neither made it due to heavy fighting and a backlog in Sickbay. But they were becoming a regular sight in the mess, the Colonel and the Doctor.

"They're still cut off from other troops," McQueen took a bite of food that he wasn't tasting. "But some good news, tonight they found a rations drop that hadn't completely burned on entry."

"How do they sound, Ty?" Jen put down her fork, her appetite completely gone.

"I can't tell through all the static," he shook his head and threw down his fork. "Damn, how much longer can this go on?"

"Some Marine I once knew told me, 'it takes as long it takes,'" Jen murmured, remembering what McQueen had told her during their first mission on the Yorktown, when they had both been with the Angry Angels.

"Sounds like a guy that's big on military theory," he grunted, recognizing his own words.

"I always thought he was a pretty smart guy," Jen added. "He also knows the right thing usually isn't the easy thing."

"How's Joan doing?" McQueen changed the subject, not wanting to think about all he could lose if they didn't take Ixion soon.

"As well as can be expected," Jen shrugged. "Some days are easier for her than others. She heard from her younger daughter, Caroline, this morning. Caroline works at the Pentagon, so there's little chance she'll get sent out here, which is a big relief to Joan."

"Give her my best, will you? I need to be getting back," he stood.

"I do too," Jen got up too, they both looked at the uneaten food on their plates and shrugged. "Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." McQueen walked away, it was as close to a promise as he could give her.
.................................

July 23 2064, Saratoga, 1935 hours

The night before, the 58th's radio message, 'that they had retaken the airstrip on Demios,' had turned the tide of battle. Tonight there was no message from the five stranded Marines. Joan Brill's heart had hurt for Jenny as she had watched McQueen come stiffly into Sickbay, as the doctor was getting ready to meet him for dinner. They had talked quietly in Jen's office. Joan didn't need to hear the words to know that there had been no transmission received tonight. The grim expression on the Colonel's face had said it all.
................................

July 24, 2064 Saratoga 0130 hours

Joan watched as Jenny Kirkwood walked out of Sickbay. The young woman had been on duty for the last 17 hours as the battle to take Ixion raged on. The word from the bridge was that Earth was on the offensive again, instead of fighting to defend the small amount of space they had taken in the first few days of the attack.

Jenny didn't realize where she was going when she left Sickbay. All she knew was that she had to get out of there for a while. She was surprised to find herself standing in front of the door with the flushed out cards painted on it. Caressing the insignia she smiled as she punched the door code. A little surprised to discover that it hadn't been changed since she was quartered here months ago.

Standing in the dark room, she could almost hear breathing nearby. Closing her eyes she smiled at her fanciful imagination. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could feel them as well as hear them.

Walking over to Damphousse's upper bunk, she rested her aching head. Reaching her arms out until they were stretched almost the length of the bunk, her hands gripping the blanket. She could feel the tears well up. At first they ran down her face in silence. Wetting her cheeks and the blanket below them. Finally her breathing became jagged and rough as she let herself go, knowing she was alone. No one to see her weakness. Only ghosts in the room and stars outside.

The incessant buzzing on her wrist unit broke through her misery as she realized Sickbay was trying to reach her again. Straightening, she wiped her face, neatened 'Phousse's blanket, squared her shoulders and went back to work.

Stepping out from the shadows on the opposite side of the room, the man in the Angel black flightsuit, watched her leave. He realized he could finally answer Glen Ross' question from two months ago. "I do Glen," McQueen muttered into the darkness. "I listen to her cry." He wanted to go to her badly, but he was afraid that if he touched her, he wouldn't want to stop.
..........................

August 7, 2064 Ross' Quarters, Saratoga, 2300 hours

Twelve days earlier the flag of the United Nations of Earth was raised over Ixion. The Saratoga turned back to Demios to finish what had been started two and half months earlier.

"I know I said I'd drink that glass of rum when the battle for Ixion was over," Ross pointed to a half-full shot glass that was sitting on his desk. "But I don't consider that battle over until we see what's left on Demios."

"Sir," McQueen's mouth tightened as he tried not to think how many days it had been since he had heard from the Wildcards. "I want to go with the Search and Rescue team that goes to the airstrip."

"I figured you would," Ross looked at his friend across the desk. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"I have to be!" McQueen had refused Ross's offer of a drink, needing to be cold sober.

"No you don't," the Commodore watched McQueen lock out his emotions. "If they aren't there. If we can't find them, Ty. Don't shut them out. Don't do that to their memory."

"But I..."

"You gave sound military advice, as a soldier, which is as it should be." Ross was tired, but he knew McQueen was still being eaten by guilt over what he had said two months ago. "Knowing what you know now, would you speak differently than you did back at Demios?"

"I don't know Sir," McQueen looked Ross in the eyes. "I guess that depends on what I find on Demios.

"Get some sleep," Ross advised. "No matter what you find down there tomorrow, it's not going to be easy."
.......................................

2330 The Wildcards Quarters

McQueen quietly let himself into his squad's quarters. As the hatch closed behind him he heard a noise and reached for the light with one hand, his pocket, where his butterfly knife was kept, with the other.

"No, please, no light," Jenny Kirkwood uncurled from the bunk that had been hers and then Kelly Winslow's

"What are you doing here?" McQueen leaned against the hatch, not sure if he was more embarrassed at being caught, or relieved because there was someone else to join him in his vigil.

"I couldn't sleep," Jen shrugged. "The door code hasn't been changed since I moved out."

"I couldn't sleep either," he rubbed his eyes with his left hand as he began to move restlessly around the room. "I can't remember the last time I got more than two consecutive hours of sleep.

Getting up from the bunk and carefully neatening the blanket, Jen turned to the tired man, "I'll leave you in private, then."

"No, Jen stay, please," McQueen moved to Coop's bunk and sat. "You left too quickly the last time."

"The last time?" Jen walked over to him, wanting to be close, wanting to sit beside him, but not having the courage. "You know I've been here before?"

"I saw you the night...," he looked around, having a hard time talking about that night. "The first night they didn't transmit."

"Oh," she gasped.

"Jen, it's okay," McQueen reached for her. "Sit down," he tried to pull her to the bunk beside him, but she moved to the deck at his feet.

"I didn't realize anyone saw me," she flushed.

"That's why I didn't make my presence known. I should have, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Jen was relieved that he hadn't. The way she'd felt that night, if he had touched her, she would have grabbed on tight and never let go. He would have hated that and her for it.

"What am I going to do if none of them are alive?" The anguish in his voice a palatable thing, as he leaned his elbows on his knees. His posture so unlike the Colonel, that Jen was taken aback.

"I wish I could tell you that I know they're still alive." Jen reached for his arms, placing her squarely between his knees. "All I can say is I believe they're still alive."

"Do you, Jen?" McQueen looked down at her. "Do you really believe?"

"I don't know if it's because I want it so badly, that I've made myself believe, or if it's a true belief. All I know is that I have faith."

"Faith, yeah right," McQueen reached into the pocket of his flightsuit and pulled out Nathan's photo tag. "They gave me this at Christmas, because they had faith in me, to always be there for them. And I wasn't, I failed them."

"No, Ty," Jen got up on her knees, so they were at more of an eye level. "How often have you told me that the military isn't a democracy? It wasn't a vote, with your's the deciding factor!"

"Then why does it feel that way?"

"Because you care about them," Jen put her hands on his shoulders. "Look at me, Ty. How is this any different than Kazbek?"

"You have to ask?" McQueen nailed her with an icy stare.

"I want to hear you say the words," Jen didn't flinch from the cold look. "So tell me, how is this different from Kazbek?"

"Because I'm not with them," he whispered.

"That's right," Jen smiled as if he was a pupil who had learned a very hard lesson. "Once back in detox, you told me you always wanted to be a father."

"Don't you ever forget anything people tell you?" McQueen wanted to change the subject, he felt as if they were moving too close to something that only he could look at.

Smiling she gently squeezed his shoulders. "Congratulations, Dad, this is part of being a parent."

"No, Jen, you don't know what you're talking about," but as he said the words he realized they were true. Hadn't he referred to them as his kids. When Winslow was killed, he remembered thinking that he would avenge 'his child.'

"I know of at least two of them, that already think of you as a father figure," Jen relaxed as she saw realization move over McQueen's face.

"Just what I need, another defining moment," he shook his head, as he thought of the implications of caring so much.

"Pardon?"

"Did you ever wonder why going after Chiggy Von Richthofen was so important to me?" McQueen looked at the woman before him.

"Yes," suddenly Jen couldn't meet his eyes any longer. She shifted her position until she was sitting on the deck, her legs curled up, and her right side against his left leg. "I knew it was much more than killing a superior enemy. For some reason you took it personally. That's why I didn't argue with you about the removal of the MEF."

McQueen shook his head, as if some question deep inside of him had been answered. For the first time since he and Jen had discussed the removal of the MEF, he felt something settle in him and it give him an inner peace that had nothing to do with the 58th.

"I had gotten it into my head that Von Richthofen was," McQueen searched for the correct word, "my personal enemy?" That wasn't right, but it was as close as he was going to get. "He was the reason I was created. If I went up against him I would have the answer to 'who I am.' It became my defining moment."

"Did it give you any answers?" Jen had her own opinions on defining moments, but she wanted to hear his. It had been a long time since they had talked like this and she was realizing how much she missed their friendship.

"Yeah, for about three hours!" McQueen shook his head as he thought back to that night

"Maybe it was all the scotch you had to drink?" Jen grinned at him.

"No," McQueen shook his head at his folly. "No, I kept drinking that night because the moment was slipping away from me."

"What did you learn about Tyrus Cassius McQueen that night?" Jen rested her arm and cheek on his knee and stared him in the eyes.

"I learned I had the strength to do what needed to be done," McQueen thought hard to remember what had slipped away from him that night. "That caring about someone else gives me greater strength than only caring about myself?"

"Would you still have thought that if Kelly hadn't died?" Jenny probed.

"Yes," McQueen frowned, as he thought about what he felt before Kelly Winslow had died and what he felt after. "Yes. I was afraid for the 58th. That's why I went out there. That's how Kelly was able to convince me not to argue with Ross, when Schrader was given the assignment."

"I wondered about that," Jen whispered.

"Was that defining moment, realization, or whatever you want to call it leading to this?" McQueen pointed to the darkened quarters of the missing people. "Leading me to this empty room?"

"No, Ty," Jen moved closer to him, laying her hand on his arm. "That night doesn't lead to this one. They're two separate nights, two separate thoughts. This room would be just as empty tonight, no matter what you did that last time. If you hadn't killed Von Richthofen, this room might have been empty long before now. Besides, whose to say it's going to stay empty?"

"I don't think I can take too many defining moments like these," McQueen whispered. "If each time I have to rethink who I am."

"Then why don't you try thinking in terms of 'crossing of fords, instead of defining moments?" Jen chided him gently.

"Miyamoto Musashi?" McQueen whispered.

"Didn't he say, 'in the course of a lifetime there will be many points that could be called crossing a ford'?"

"I believe he wrote that," McQueen smiled. "You think that life is a series of defining moments or crossing of fords?" He leaned close and held her face in his hands. Clear blue eyes meeting gray ones.

Jen was finding it hard to breath with him almost surrounding her. "Instead of thinking of that moment, when you killed Von Richthofen, as an ending, that tells you who you are. Think of it as an on-going process. I like to ask myself, 'who can I be? What am I capable of becoming?' Not just 'who am I?'"

"What are you capable of becoming?" His question caught her off guard. She was frozen, unable to move.

"I won't have the complete answer until I die." She felt as if she was drowning.

He must have seen something in her eyes, because he changed the subject, almost losing her. "You were there that night, weren't you?"

"Hmm?"

"That night when I was so drunk, you were there," he smiled at her as if he had an answer to a puzzle. "When I woke up Joan Brill was sitting there, but you had been there during the night, hadn't you? I keep remembering you there, beside my bunk, asleep. Your head on your arm," McQueen shook his head to clear the picture. "Sitting much like you are now."

"Yes, I was there," Jen could feel her face flush. "Ross came and got me. We were worried about you. I stayed with you while he went and got Joan." Jenny knew she was rambling, but couldn't help it. "Ross was done in and I knew you would be upset if I stayed so we got......"

"Shhhh, Jen," McQueen just looked at her. "It's okay. You didn't frighten me, you know? Seeing you like I did, wasn't what made me think I was in detox again." He remembered her crying when he had asked her if he was back in detox. "I was confused from all the scotch, it would have happened no matter what. You being there was all that kept me from panicking."

"You remembered what you said?" Jenny could feel her face begin to turn red and hot.

"Yes," he whispered. She was so close and he wanted to hold her so badly. "That's not the first time I've awakened and wondered if I was back on the Greens. Each time it's happens, I always hope it'll be the last." To distract himself, he moved his right hand from her face to her wrist. Rubbing his thumb over her soft skin, as he fit it between her wrist and her bracelet.

"Ty," Jen tried to pull back, but he held her. No force, just one hand on her face and the other circling her wrist. Could he feel how her pulse had jumped at his touch? Was he doing this on purpose?

"Will you answer something for me honestly?" McQueen decided it was a night for honesty, he was going to go for the bottom line. "Why do you wear this bracelet all the time?"

"I..." Jen began to panic. How could she tell him the truth and not break her promise with the Universe?

"Jen?" He had seen the way her eyes turned to black coals and her nostrils flared. "*So you feel it, too."* McQueen thought, relieved that he wasn't alone in the pit of feelings that he had found himself caught in over the last months.

She took a deep breath before she answered him. "It goes back to what we were talking about before," she felt her lips tremble as she tried to form the words. "My first defining moment took place almost as I was born, when my mother died. If not for that, I would be a totally different person. Being raised by Patsy, made me who I am."

"The bracelet?" Ty chided.

"I'm getting to that," she licked her lips and saw his eyes flare. "Because of the way I was raised, there was only Patsy in my life. Between books, sailing and Patsy, I didn't need anyone or anything else. Besides, I was so much younger than all my classmates, most of the time, there wasn't much common ground," she shrugged her shoulders as if that was an answer.

"Then all of the sudden I had two friends, two wonderful people were a part of my life." Jen spoke carefully, telling only what she had thought the year before, not what she knew to be the truth now. "One of those people died the night the Angry Angels fought the Chigs. The other one? Well, I was thoughtless, careless of his feelings. I lost him on a dark night in Houston, when I let my principles hurt him and he walked out of my life the next morning."

"You think that's why I walked out?" McQueen slid his hand from her cheek, to cup the back of her neck, his fingers finding the scar that had come between them. "I left because I couldn't stand to see you hurt by people's hatred of me or my kind."

"No, it was never because of you. It was all set in motion way before that," Jen shook her head. "My first step toward that mugging in Houston, happened when my father handed me over to Patsy to be raised."

"Good try, Jen," McQueen smiled at the woman inches away from him. "But you forget you wore that bracelet night and day since I gave it to you, not just since the war."

"Ohh," Jenny was caught, unable to move or breath. She knew her face said everything she was feeling.

"That's what I thought," he murmured as he moved slowly, giving her time to move away if he had read her wrong. One arm moving around her back, the other still holding the back of her neck. He gave into years of wanting as he felt her lips under his

"Ty," Jen whispered as his lips met hers. She slid both her arms around his neck, kissing him as she had always wanted to. She felt him pull her to her knees, her body tight against his. She was surrounded by him.

McQueen's arm moved down her back until he pulled her up on the bunk, twisting his body until she was under him. He remember the night before Kazbek and how he had held her, and the peace it had given him. Kissing her, tasting her, moving his hand beneath her sweater gave him so much more. When his hand came in contact with a lace covered breast, he pulled back, watching the glazed expression on her face. Her hand on his neck brushed against his navel. He threw back his head and gasped as sensations rocked his body.

Suddenly McQueen saw where he was. He had Jen bent over Coop's bunk and was a breath away from making love to her. *"What was he thinking? Not in here, anyplace but here."*

"Jen!" He stiffened and pulled away from her. "No, we can't," he whispered. He saw confusion and hurt fill her eyes, followed by fear.

"Oh my God," Jen pulled away from him as realization dawned on her. What was she doing? She had promised! She had made a deal! How could this have happened? "This.....this can't happen," she straightened her sweater and ran from the room.

"Damn, damn, damn," he muttered. "Way to go McQueen!" Even in detox Jen hadn't been afraid of him. Tonight, in a moment of weakness he had changed all that.

TO BE CONTINUED