Chapter 3
Danny didn't have to look very far to find Kate. She was sitting on the front stairs. He could see in the fading light that she was crying. Not knowing what to say he sat down next to her, putting an arm around her he pulled her close. Without any hesitation she rested her head against him.
"I'm sorry," she told him.
"Me too," Danny said. "I don't even know what we were fighting about." He paused, looking down at her. "Are we fighting?"
Kate gave a little laugh. "I don't know." She hadn't meant for this conversation to take the turn it did, but things had been simmering inside her for too long.
"Good," Danny nodded, "I don't want to be the only one who doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. Any ideas?"
Kate took a moment to think about it. She knew what some of the problem was, but she didn't know if she wanted to tell him. Everything was so confusing inside of her. She was married to one man who she didn't even know if he was dead or alive - and she didn't care, but she was pretending to be married to Danny. Yet that was all there was to it - pretending. What she really felt for Danny and what he felt for her was a mystery. She knew that if it weren't for them, Danny could have escaped the camp long ago, but he hadn't. Because of her and Grace. That fact had been weighing on her mind lately. It was one thing if he loved her, but she would not accept being a burden because he felt he had to be noble.
"I don't think we were fighting about shoes," Danny interrupted her thoughts. "Or what I am and am not providing for you and Grace."
"No," Kate agreed, biting her lip, unsure if she was ready to have this discussion, but pushing forward anyway. "I think this is something we've been needing to talk about for a long time."
"Okay" Danny said. He knew they needed to talk. They'd needed to talk for a long time now, but they had both avoided it.
"Why are you with us?" Kate asked, throwing out the most important question in her mind.
Danny was taken aback. "What do you mean - why am I with you?" He wasn't ready for the direct attack after months of circling.
"It's not that hard of question, Flyboy," Kate kidded, though there was no real humor in her voice. "We're just a burden. If it wasn't for us you'd have escaped long ago. I know you would have."
"I probably could have," he admitted, weighing his words carefully. There was something different about Kate tonight. "Though I don't know how far I could have gotten. But I couldn't leave you and Grace here alone. I'm the reason you're here in the first place."
"Where do you get your ideas?" Kate asked in exasperation. "You are not the reason we're here, the war is. You had nothing to do with it. If you hadn't survived the raid I would still have been stuck on the coast - far away from the embassy," she pointed out. "Whether you lived or died wouldn't have mattered."
"If I had died, you would have left with, your....husband when he finally showed up," he argued, finding it hard to say the word 'husband' after pretending for so long that he never existed. "You would have made it to embassy and then to safety." He continued on, not letting her speak. "Or, if I hadn't wallowed in self pity for over a week and been so non responsive, we could have left earlier and made it without...his..warning. Lived or died, I'm the reason you're here."
She looked up at him, shaking her head in frustration. "You're delusional, you know that?" Kate told him. "Lived or died, Micheal still would have come for me only days before the embassy closed. You were in no shape - physically - to leave the cabin while you were 'wallowing,' as you put it. Who knows if we would have made it if we left earlier? On my own I know I would never have made it. And if it wasn't for you, Micheal would have ended up strangling me to death - and then where would Grace be? I doubt Micheal would have taken care of her."
Danny looked down at her, shocked at how easily she spoke of her husband's abuse. "He surely wouldn't have...."
"You don't know Micheal," Kate told him. "He was drunker than I've ever seen him." She laughed. "He even made a pass at me."
"You're married to the guy. Why is that so surprising?" Danny asked. "You're a very pretty woman." Danny blushed at his outspokenness. Even after all their time together it was he had difficulty telling her how he felt.
"You've lived with me two years and it hasn't seemed to affect you," Kate accused morosely. She was immediately contrite. "Sorry. Uncalled for." She rushed on, trying to fill the awkwardness caused by her comment. Danny just filed it away for later. "I'm not really Micheal's type. I've known that since we were first married. He didn't touch me unless it was necessary or he needed to hit something."
"What was his type, then?" Danny asked, curious.
Kate looked at him. "You."
Danny looked at her blankly. "Me? What do you mean?"
She looked at him expectantly. "Come on Walker, think about it," she prodded sagely, though her cheeks were beginning to flush hotly.
"Oh," Danny realized. "Oh! Really?" he couldn't hide his distaste.
Kate nodded. "Yup, though, actually, you're a bit too old for him."
Danny didn't even want to think about that. "Why'd you marry him?" He couldn't stop himself from asking.
Kate shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't know about his...interests, until after we were married, he could be quite charming when he wanted to be. I basically got talked into it by my father." She shrugged. "We have issues that go way back, my father and I, and I thought....it doesn't matter what I thought. I got suckered in by Micheal's charm and my father's approval. I didn't know about Micheal's drinking or his other interests until later."
"Why'd he marry you?" Danny asked, curious because this was the first time she had spoken about her husband and father. "I mean," he immdiately back pedalled, "if he, if you weren't...you know, why'd he want to get married in the first place?"
Kate laughed humorlessly. "Because my father is a very rich man. Because my father wanted the connections the Helmsford family would bring him. Because it would look good at the embassy. Take your pick. I was just gullible enough to fall for it all."
"How old were you?"
"Seventeen when he proposed. I turned 18 two weeks before the wedding. Two weeks after that we were on our way to China. I've been here ever since."
Danny thought about it for while. His life had been difficult at times, but he'd always had Rafe. It sounded as if Kate had been alone. This was the first time she had willingly talked about her father and husband. He knew that she considered her mother to be superficial and that her sister was a brainless idiot - those were her words, but other than that, she didn't speak about her past . Everything was Grace. And him. Kate took care of them both with little thought of herself.
He felt her pulling away as she moved to stand up. Walking a few feet away, Kate wrapped her arms around herself. "Well, that was a charming walk down memory lane, but you still haven't answered my question. Why are you still with us."
Danny ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He had a feeling that no matter how he answered he wouldn't say the right thing. "Because, we're in this together."
"You've said that before," Kate reminded him. "Do you remember the first time?"
"Of course I do. We were in the cabin, after he...." he trailed off uncomfortably.
Kate nodded. "You felt sorry for me. I saw it in your eyes. The pity. You don't owe me anything."
Danny shook his head in frustration. What did she want? "You saved my life," he stated.
She shrugged, trying to keep her voice as emotionless as possible. "And you saved mine when you stopped Micheal. We're even. So why are you still with me?"
"Kate, what do you want from me? What is going on? We've been together for two years. You've never doubted me before."
"I don't doubt you Danny," she told him. "I just don't like being a burden. I don't want you here out of pity. I don't..."
"I do NOT pity you," he interrupted, going to stand behind her, though he didn't reach out to touch her yet.. "I admire you. A lot. You've had a tough life and yet you are a really good person. You kept me alive. You look after me and Grace without thinking of yourself. You help the people in the camp, even though I know it scares you to be entrusted with their health and well being. You don't let things beat you down. You are a very strong person. A lot stronger than me. I admire that." He paused for a moment, trying to decide how to convince her. "As for what you think you saw that morning, I didn't pity you. I felt very sorry for you, but only because I had been there myself." Kate turned around to look at him, her eyes wide in amazment. "I know what it's like to get a black eye, or a split lip from the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, okay?" he told her. "I've been there and I know the pain and I didn't like, - I still don't - like the fact that you had to live through that. I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you again."
"So, you're my protector now," she said bitterly, though she was still shocked by his admission. Danny was so gentle. It was hard to believe that he had once been abused by someone he loved.
He looked up at her, the confusion evident on his face. "I don't know what I am to you," he finally said. "All I know is that I'd die before I'd let anything happen to you or Grace. You're all I have left."
"What about Evelyn?" Kate hated herself for asking, but that name had been between them since the very beginning.
Danny looked up abruptly, his heart suddenly pounding. "What about her?"
Kate shrugged, turning away again. "You say you don't know what you are to me, well, I don't know what I am to you. A friend? Wife? Lover? - we tried that, but it didn't work, did it? I don't know what we are, or where we're headed."
"Kate," Danny tried to interrupt.
"Do you know you talk in your sleep sometimes?" Kate continued as if he hadn't spoken. Danny shook his head. "Sometimes you say my name, sometimes it's Grace, sometimes Rafe. And sometimes, it's Evelyn. This mystery woman. You talk and talk about Rafe and the other men in your squadron. I know all about them, but you never talk about her. She was the one you called for when you were so sick. She was the one that it was so important for Rafe to get back to, but you never mention her. Why is that?" Kate's voice began to thicken with tears, despite her best efforts to remain aloof. "Do you love her more than you love me?" she asked as her voice broke.
"Oh god," Danny whispered as he pulled Kate into his arms. He took her face in his hands and tilted it up so that he could look into her eyes and she could see the truth. "I love you, Kate. I know I haven't said it, but it's you I love. Evelyn is in my past. I do love her, but not that way, not the way I love you." His voice was hoarse with the feelings he was holding back. He hated to see the pain in her eyes.
"Then why," Kate began, but couldn't find the words. She shook her head in frustration, the tears she was holding back finally falling.
Danny pulled her into his arms. "You want to know about Evelyn. I'll tell you." Kate held perfectly still, afraid to hear what he was going to say, even though she had asked for it.. "I first met Evelyn in December 1940. She was, still is, maybe, a nurse in the Navy. She was administering the eye exams for our flight physicals. The long and the short of it is that she and Rafe really hit it off. They fell in love and when he left to join the Eagle Squadron Rafe asked me to be the one to tell her if something happened to him." Danny swallowed, the memory of his friends 'death' still haunting him. "Well, you know Rafe was shot down and presumed dead. It was the worst day of my life, but I still had to go tell Evelyn. We talked and cried, and then went our seperate ways. I logged a lot of flight hours trying to forget about Rafe. Then one day, about three months later I ran into Evelyn outside a movie theater." Danny paused, his hands rubbing her back. She could feel the tension in his body. He was almost as tense as she was.
"Things just kind of progressed from there. Everything happened really fast. We fell in love, I guess." Kate's body involuntary shuddered at his words. "A month later, the night before the attack at Pearl actually, Rafe turned up all of sudden. We fought. I was so happy to see him alive, but the issue of Evelyn was between us. Then the attack came and the next thing I knew I was being shipped out to Colonel Doolittle for the raid on Tokyo." Danny had never spoken of the attack on Pearl Harbor. She knew that he had lost friends during the attack, but nothing else. It wasn't a topic that he liked to visit.
Danny continued. "The last time I saw Evelyn she was standing on the tarmac. She'd come to see me off. I didn't know then that she had already talked to Rafe. She told me that she loved me and would be waiting for me when I got home." Kate closed her eyes, unable to stop her tears. So that was it. Evelyn was waiting for him. "I loved her, but I felt so god damned guilty," he told her. "Rafe was my best friend. How could I have done that to him?"
"You thought he was dead," Kate whispered.
He kissed her hair. "Yeah, yeah, I did," he agreed. "But the truth is, when I was with Evelyn was the only time that I didn't miss Rafe. I loved her, but I think I loved her because of what she had meant to Rafe. She was a piece of him that I could hold on to, someone that I could relate to and share the pain of missing Rafe. I think it was the same for her, too. I was a piece of Rafe that she could still hold on to. We were attracted to each other, we loved each other, but it was never just us. Rafe was always there between us, somehow. When I woke up in the cabin, after the Tokyo raid, I realized that I had lost her. Rafe would be the one to marry her now. I wanted to be angry, to be mad at Rafe for taking my place, but it never happened. I was just.....sad."
Kate thought about his words. So that was why he had retreated into himself? After two years she knew him pretty well and she didn't quite buy it. There was more he wasn't telling her. "If she supposedly loved Rafe so much, why didn't she go back to him before you left? Why'd she say she'd wait for you?" Kate prodded. "There has to be more to it, Danny. You were more than just sad after you woke up."
Danny started to talk several times, but he couldn't find the right way to say it. "She was pregnant," he finally blurted out. He felt Kate's body stiffen and try to pull away, but he wouldn't let her. "I didn't know. She told Rafe and he told me....while I was dying, and I knew then that she had only chosen me because of the baby. I was sad about losing Evelyn, but I was most sad about losing Rafe and the baby. I knew that if I were to go home I would dissrupt their lives horribly, and I didn't....don't," he corrected himself, "want to do that. That's why I thought I was better off dead."
Kate looked up at him. "Are you telling me," she asked in a hoarse whisper. "That somewhere back home your ex-girlfriend is married to your best friend and they're raising your child."
Danny nodded. "He or she would be 2 years old in July."
"So, Grace and I are replacements," she stated flatly.
"No!" Danny replied. "Not in the way you're thinking. I didn't look at you and think 'oh good, here's my chance to have what I've lost.' I have never confused you with Evelyn. Not in my mind and definitely not in my heart. You have always been Kate to me." He smiled down at her, his hand brushing softly against her cheek. "A pretty, stubborn, wonderful woman who fought to keep me alive and makes me smile despite myself. I've been lucky to have you in my life. I'd marry you tomorrow if it wasn't for your husband." Kate looked up at him startled. "Yes, you little fool," he smiled gently down at her, tapping her nose gently with his forefinger. "I'd marry you, but you aren't exactly free, and you never really talked about your husband." He paused, looking off into the distance for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "Sometimes in abuse situations there is still love. I loved my daddy despite what he would do to me and I thought that maybe it was the same way with you. You never talked about it."
"I've never loved Micheal," she told him quietly.
Danny leaned down and kissed her nose. "Well, you never told me that, did you?"
Kate pulled away, though Danny wouldn't let her out of his arms. "How can you say you'd marry me? You barely touch me. We've lived in the same cabin, slept in the same damn bed for 2 years and we've only made love once!" she glared at him. "And that...that," she sputtered, "was accident!"
Danny nodded, having the grace to look embarrassed. "Yes. I've only made love to you once - and it wasn't an accident. I knew what I was doing, but I was confused and I could tell you were confused. I didn't know what you were feeling for me and I didn't know how you felt about your husband. I didn't want to make another mistake like Evelyn. Not with you. I didn't want you to be with me for the wrong reason. Can you understand that?"
"I guess, but, we still could have talked."
"I know," Danny replied, "but do you remember what happened right afterwards - in the camp?" Seeing that Kate didn't remember, Danny continued. "Two women died - one in child birth and one from hemoraeging after a miscarriage." Kate remembered then. Danny had started acting really strange. All the little touches, hugs, and kisses that he used to give her stopped. She had thought it was because they had made love and he was disappointed, or that he thought it was a mistake, so she had been too embarrassed to say anything. "You were there taking care of them," Danny told her. "You came home crying and that's when you told me that you'd had three miscarriages. I spent the next 3 weeks scared to death that you were pregnant. I couldn't risk your life just because I wanted you physically. So I didn't do anything, and I didn't know what to say. When you didn't say or do anything, I thought our life would just go back to the way it was before."
Kate looked up at him, frustrated. "I didn't know how to let you know that I wanted you! I'd never been with someone who actually wanted me. I didn't know that sex could be like it was with you."
"I'm sorry Kate," he said, holding her tight. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I should have tried to talk about it, but I was scared and unsure."
"There's something I need to tell you about my miscarriages," Kate told him, taking a deep breath. Just as he didn't like to talk about Pearl Harbor, Kate had never talked with anyone about her miscarriages. There was the pain of losing a child, but also the shame at how out of her control her life was. Danny saw her as a strong person, but she wasn't. Not really. Micheal had ruled over her throughout the years of her marriage and she had never been strong enough to stand up to him. "It wasn't my fault - my body's - fault that they occurred," she finally said.
Danny's eyes darkened. "Micheal?"
Kate nodded her head. "I didn't even know I was pregnant the first time. He was mad at me and punched me. He rarely hit me in the face because it showed. The second time, I was almost 3 months and he pushed me and I fell down some stairs. The third time, the baby was a boy. I was 6 months along. Micheal came home drunk and angry. He kicked me - several times and that was that. The only reason Grace survived was because he was out of the country until I was 7 months along, and when he came back he had brought a young boy to act as his servant. He didn't have much use for me then."
"I should have killed the bastard," Danny said in a harsh voice. Kate looked up at him surprised at how angry he was.
"He'll get what's coming to him, eventually," Kate told him.
"Not soon enough. If I ever see him again...."
Kate rested her head against his chest, feeling his heartbeat and tensed muscles. No wonder she always felt so safe with him.
"Hey Flyboy," Kate said, interrupting him. "I love you too."
The ominous look left Danny's eyes as he smiled and leaned down to kiss her. "I was kind of hoping you did."
They broke apart at the sound of running feet. "Mrs. Walker, Mrs. Walker," a young boy panted as he stopped in front of them. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but it's Julie - her water broke and the pains are coming real fast. Mom sent me for you. You got to come quick!"
The familiar jolt of adrenaline raced through Kate. "Okay Andrew, I'm on my way." She looked up at Danny. "I guess I'll see you later," she told him, glad for the coming darkness because it covered her blush.
Danny smiled down at her. "Later," he kissed her lingeringly, "Mrs. Walker."
Kate felt her smile stretch across her face idiotically as she followed Andrew accross the compound.
Danny watched her go, his smile fading. What was he going to do now? He wasn't sure if he was glad that the topic had changed during their fight. It wasn't easy to talk about Evelyn, but it was something that Kate deserved to know. And it had been way past time for him to tell her that he loved her. He knew that he loved her and she loved him, but they had never told each other how deep that love went. They had been living on assumptions for too long and he was glad that they had straightened things out between them. But come tomorrow, or the next day, Danny wasn't sure if Kate would even be speaking to him.
A visit this afternoon had turned his life upside down. Danny sighed and turned to go into the cabin. He'd have to talk to Kate tonight.
Danny didn't have to look very far to find Kate. She was sitting on the front stairs. He could see in the fading light that she was crying. Not knowing what to say he sat down next to her, putting an arm around her he pulled her close. Without any hesitation she rested her head against him.
"I'm sorry," she told him.
"Me too," Danny said. "I don't even know what we were fighting about." He paused, looking down at her. "Are we fighting?"
Kate gave a little laugh. "I don't know." She hadn't meant for this conversation to take the turn it did, but things had been simmering inside her for too long.
"Good," Danny nodded, "I don't want to be the only one who doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. Any ideas?"
Kate took a moment to think about it. She knew what some of the problem was, but she didn't know if she wanted to tell him. Everything was so confusing inside of her. She was married to one man who she didn't even know if he was dead or alive - and she didn't care, but she was pretending to be married to Danny. Yet that was all there was to it - pretending. What she really felt for Danny and what he felt for her was a mystery. She knew that if it weren't for them, Danny could have escaped the camp long ago, but he hadn't. Because of her and Grace. That fact had been weighing on her mind lately. It was one thing if he loved her, but she would not accept being a burden because he felt he had to be noble.
"I don't think we were fighting about shoes," Danny interrupted her thoughts. "Or what I am and am not providing for you and Grace."
"No," Kate agreed, biting her lip, unsure if she was ready to have this discussion, but pushing forward anyway. "I think this is something we've been needing to talk about for a long time."
"Okay" Danny said. He knew they needed to talk. They'd needed to talk for a long time now, but they had both avoided it.
"Why are you with us?" Kate asked, throwing out the most important question in her mind.
Danny was taken aback. "What do you mean - why am I with you?" He wasn't ready for the direct attack after months of circling.
"It's not that hard of question, Flyboy," Kate kidded, though there was no real humor in her voice. "We're just a burden. If it wasn't for us you'd have escaped long ago. I know you would have."
"I probably could have," he admitted, weighing his words carefully. There was something different about Kate tonight. "Though I don't know how far I could have gotten. But I couldn't leave you and Grace here alone. I'm the reason you're here in the first place."
"Where do you get your ideas?" Kate asked in exasperation. "You are not the reason we're here, the war is. You had nothing to do with it. If you hadn't survived the raid I would still have been stuck on the coast - far away from the embassy," she pointed out. "Whether you lived or died wouldn't have mattered."
"If I had died, you would have left with, your....husband when he finally showed up," he argued, finding it hard to say the word 'husband' after pretending for so long that he never existed. "You would have made it to embassy and then to safety." He continued on, not letting her speak. "Or, if I hadn't wallowed in self pity for over a week and been so non responsive, we could have left earlier and made it without...his..warning. Lived or died, I'm the reason you're here."
She looked up at him, shaking her head in frustration. "You're delusional, you know that?" Kate told him. "Lived or died, Micheal still would have come for me only days before the embassy closed. You were in no shape - physically - to leave the cabin while you were 'wallowing,' as you put it. Who knows if we would have made it if we left earlier? On my own I know I would never have made it. And if it wasn't for you, Micheal would have ended up strangling me to death - and then where would Grace be? I doubt Micheal would have taken care of her."
Danny looked down at her, shocked at how easily she spoke of her husband's abuse. "He surely wouldn't have...."
"You don't know Micheal," Kate told him. "He was drunker than I've ever seen him." She laughed. "He even made a pass at me."
"You're married to the guy. Why is that so surprising?" Danny asked. "You're a very pretty woman." Danny blushed at his outspokenness. Even after all their time together it was he had difficulty telling her how he felt.
"You've lived with me two years and it hasn't seemed to affect you," Kate accused morosely. She was immediately contrite. "Sorry. Uncalled for." She rushed on, trying to fill the awkwardness caused by her comment. Danny just filed it away for later. "I'm not really Micheal's type. I've known that since we were first married. He didn't touch me unless it was necessary or he needed to hit something."
"What was his type, then?" Danny asked, curious.
Kate looked at him. "You."
Danny looked at her blankly. "Me? What do you mean?"
She looked at him expectantly. "Come on Walker, think about it," she prodded sagely, though her cheeks were beginning to flush hotly.
"Oh," Danny realized. "Oh! Really?" he couldn't hide his distaste.
Kate nodded. "Yup, though, actually, you're a bit too old for him."
Danny didn't even want to think about that. "Why'd you marry him?" He couldn't stop himself from asking.
Kate shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't know about his...interests, until after we were married, he could be quite charming when he wanted to be. I basically got talked into it by my father." She shrugged. "We have issues that go way back, my father and I, and I thought....it doesn't matter what I thought. I got suckered in by Micheal's charm and my father's approval. I didn't know about Micheal's drinking or his other interests until later."
"Why'd he marry you?" Danny asked, curious because this was the first time she had spoken about her husband and father. "I mean," he immdiately back pedalled, "if he, if you weren't...you know, why'd he want to get married in the first place?"
Kate laughed humorlessly. "Because my father is a very rich man. Because my father wanted the connections the Helmsford family would bring him. Because it would look good at the embassy. Take your pick. I was just gullible enough to fall for it all."
"How old were you?"
"Seventeen when he proposed. I turned 18 two weeks before the wedding. Two weeks after that we were on our way to China. I've been here ever since."
Danny thought about it for while. His life had been difficult at times, but he'd always had Rafe. It sounded as if Kate had been alone. This was the first time she had willingly talked about her father and husband. He knew that she considered her mother to be superficial and that her sister was a brainless idiot - those were her words, but other than that, she didn't speak about her past . Everything was Grace. And him. Kate took care of them both with little thought of herself.
He felt her pulling away as she moved to stand up. Walking a few feet away, Kate wrapped her arms around herself. "Well, that was a charming walk down memory lane, but you still haven't answered my question. Why are you still with us."
Danny ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He had a feeling that no matter how he answered he wouldn't say the right thing. "Because, we're in this together."
"You've said that before," Kate reminded him. "Do you remember the first time?"
"Of course I do. We were in the cabin, after he...." he trailed off uncomfortably.
Kate nodded. "You felt sorry for me. I saw it in your eyes. The pity. You don't owe me anything."
Danny shook his head in frustration. What did she want? "You saved my life," he stated.
She shrugged, trying to keep her voice as emotionless as possible. "And you saved mine when you stopped Micheal. We're even. So why are you still with me?"
"Kate, what do you want from me? What is going on? We've been together for two years. You've never doubted me before."
"I don't doubt you Danny," she told him. "I just don't like being a burden. I don't want you here out of pity. I don't..."
"I do NOT pity you," he interrupted, going to stand behind her, though he didn't reach out to touch her yet.. "I admire you. A lot. You've had a tough life and yet you are a really good person. You kept me alive. You look after me and Grace without thinking of yourself. You help the people in the camp, even though I know it scares you to be entrusted with their health and well being. You don't let things beat you down. You are a very strong person. A lot stronger than me. I admire that." He paused for a moment, trying to decide how to convince her. "As for what you think you saw that morning, I didn't pity you. I felt very sorry for you, but only because I had been there myself." Kate turned around to look at him, her eyes wide in amazment. "I know what it's like to get a black eye, or a split lip from the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, okay?" he told her. "I've been there and I know the pain and I didn't like, - I still don't - like the fact that you had to live through that. I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you again."
"So, you're my protector now," she said bitterly, though she was still shocked by his admission. Danny was so gentle. It was hard to believe that he had once been abused by someone he loved.
He looked up at her, the confusion evident on his face. "I don't know what I am to you," he finally said. "All I know is that I'd die before I'd let anything happen to you or Grace. You're all I have left."
"What about Evelyn?" Kate hated herself for asking, but that name had been between them since the very beginning.
Danny looked up abruptly, his heart suddenly pounding. "What about her?"
Kate shrugged, turning away again. "You say you don't know what you are to me, well, I don't know what I am to you. A friend? Wife? Lover? - we tried that, but it didn't work, did it? I don't know what we are, or where we're headed."
"Kate," Danny tried to interrupt.
"Do you know you talk in your sleep sometimes?" Kate continued as if he hadn't spoken. Danny shook his head. "Sometimes you say my name, sometimes it's Grace, sometimes Rafe. And sometimes, it's Evelyn. This mystery woman. You talk and talk about Rafe and the other men in your squadron. I know all about them, but you never talk about her. She was the one you called for when you were so sick. She was the one that it was so important for Rafe to get back to, but you never mention her. Why is that?" Kate's voice began to thicken with tears, despite her best efforts to remain aloof. "Do you love her more than you love me?" she asked as her voice broke.
"Oh god," Danny whispered as he pulled Kate into his arms. He took her face in his hands and tilted it up so that he could look into her eyes and she could see the truth. "I love you, Kate. I know I haven't said it, but it's you I love. Evelyn is in my past. I do love her, but not that way, not the way I love you." His voice was hoarse with the feelings he was holding back. He hated to see the pain in her eyes.
"Then why," Kate began, but couldn't find the words. She shook her head in frustration, the tears she was holding back finally falling.
Danny pulled her into his arms. "You want to know about Evelyn. I'll tell you." Kate held perfectly still, afraid to hear what he was going to say, even though she had asked for it.. "I first met Evelyn in December 1940. She was, still is, maybe, a nurse in the Navy. She was administering the eye exams for our flight physicals. The long and the short of it is that she and Rafe really hit it off. They fell in love and when he left to join the Eagle Squadron Rafe asked me to be the one to tell her if something happened to him." Danny swallowed, the memory of his friends 'death' still haunting him. "Well, you know Rafe was shot down and presumed dead. It was the worst day of my life, but I still had to go tell Evelyn. We talked and cried, and then went our seperate ways. I logged a lot of flight hours trying to forget about Rafe. Then one day, about three months later I ran into Evelyn outside a movie theater." Danny paused, his hands rubbing her back. She could feel the tension in his body. He was almost as tense as she was.
"Things just kind of progressed from there. Everything happened really fast. We fell in love, I guess." Kate's body involuntary shuddered at his words. "A month later, the night before the attack at Pearl actually, Rafe turned up all of sudden. We fought. I was so happy to see him alive, but the issue of Evelyn was between us. Then the attack came and the next thing I knew I was being shipped out to Colonel Doolittle for the raid on Tokyo." Danny had never spoken of the attack on Pearl Harbor. She knew that he had lost friends during the attack, but nothing else. It wasn't a topic that he liked to visit.
Danny continued. "The last time I saw Evelyn she was standing on the tarmac. She'd come to see me off. I didn't know then that she had already talked to Rafe. She told me that she loved me and would be waiting for me when I got home." Kate closed her eyes, unable to stop her tears. So that was it. Evelyn was waiting for him. "I loved her, but I felt so god damned guilty," he told her. "Rafe was my best friend. How could I have done that to him?"
"You thought he was dead," Kate whispered.
He kissed her hair. "Yeah, yeah, I did," he agreed. "But the truth is, when I was with Evelyn was the only time that I didn't miss Rafe. I loved her, but I think I loved her because of what she had meant to Rafe. She was a piece of him that I could hold on to, someone that I could relate to and share the pain of missing Rafe. I think it was the same for her, too. I was a piece of Rafe that she could still hold on to. We were attracted to each other, we loved each other, but it was never just us. Rafe was always there between us, somehow. When I woke up in the cabin, after the Tokyo raid, I realized that I had lost her. Rafe would be the one to marry her now. I wanted to be angry, to be mad at Rafe for taking my place, but it never happened. I was just.....sad."
Kate thought about his words. So that was why he had retreated into himself? After two years she knew him pretty well and she didn't quite buy it. There was more he wasn't telling her. "If she supposedly loved Rafe so much, why didn't she go back to him before you left? Why'd she say she'd wait for you?" Kate prodded. "There has to be more to it, Danny. You were more than just sad after you woke up."
Danny started to talk several times, but he couldn't find the right way to say it. "She was pregnant," he finally blurted out. He felt Kate's body stiffen and try to pull away, but he wouldn't let her. "I didn't know. She told Rafe and he told me....while I was dying, and I knew then that she had only chosen me because of the baby. I was sad about losing Evelyn, but I was most sad about losing Rafe and the baby. I knew that if I were to go home I would dissrupt their lives horribly, and I didn't....don't," he corrected himself, "want to do that. That's why I thought I was better off dead."
Kate looked up at him. "Are you telling me," she asked in a hoarse whisper. "That somewhere back home your ex-girlfriend is married to your best friend and they're raising your child."
Danny nodded. "He or she would be 2 years old in July."
"So, Grace and I are replacements," she stated flatly.
"No!" Danny replied. "Not in the way you're thinking. I didn't look at you and think 'oh good, here's my chance to have what I've lost.' I have never confused you with Evelyn. Not in my mind and definitely not in my heart. You have always been Kate to me." He smiled down at her, his hand brushing softly against her cheek. "A pretty, stubborn, wonderful woman who fought to keep me alive and makes me smile despite myself. I've been lucky to have you in my life. I'd marry you tomorrow if it wasn't for your husband." Kate looked up at him startled. "Yes, you little fool," he smiled gently down at her, tapping her nose gently with his forefinger. "I'd marry you, but you aren't exactly free, and you never really talked about your husband." He paused, looking off into the distance for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "Sometimes in abuse situations there is still love. I loved my daddy despite what he would do to me and I thought that maybe it was the same way with you. You never talked about it."
"I've never loved Micheal," she told him quietly.
Danny leaned down and kissed her nose. "Well, you never told me that, did you?"
Kate pulled away, though Danny wouldn't let her out of his arms. "How can you say you'd marry me? You barely touch me. We've lived in the same cabin, slept in the same damn bed for 2 years and we've only made love once!" she glared at him. "And that...that," she sputtered, "was accident!"
Danny nodded, having the grace to look embarrassed. "Yes. I've only made love to you once - and it wasn't an accident. I knew what I was doing, but I was confused and I could tell you were confused. I didn't know what you were feeling for me and I didn't know how you felt about your husband. I didn't want to make another mistake like Evelyn. Not with you. I didn't want you to be with me for the wrong reason. Can you understand that?"
"I guess, but, we still could have talked."
"I know," Danny replied, "but do you remember what happened right afterwards - in the camp?" Seeing that Kate didn't remember, Danny continued. "Two women died - one in child birth and one from hemoraeging after a miscarriage." Kate remembered then. Danny had started acting really strange. All the little touches, hugs, and kisses that he used to give her stopped. She had thought it was because they had made love and he was disappointed, or that he thought it was a mistake, so she had been too embarrassed to say anything. "You were there taking care of them," Danny told her. "You came home crying and that's when you told me that you'd had three miscarriages. I spent the next 3 weeks scared to death that you were pregnant. I couldn't risk your life just because I wanted you physically. So I didn't do anything, and I didn't know what to say. When you didn't say or do anything, I thought our life would just go back to the way it was before."
Kate looked up at him, frustrated. "I didn't know how to let you know that I wanted you! I'd never been with someone who actually wanted me. I didn't know that sex could be like it was with you."
"I'm sorry Kate," he said, holding her tight. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I should have tried to talk about it, but I was scared and unsure."
"There's something I need to tell you about my miscarriages," Kate told him, taking a deep breath. Just as he didn't like to talk about Pearl Harbor, Kate had never talked with anyone about her miscarriages. There was the pain of losing a child, but also the shame at how out of her control her life was. Danny saw her as a strong person, but she wasn't. Not really. Micheal had ruled over her throughout the years of her marriage and she had never been strong enough to stand up to him. "It wasn't my fault - my body's - fault that they occurred," she finally said.
Danny's eyes darkened. "Micheal?"
Kate nodded her head. "I didn't even know I was pregnant the first time. He was mad at me and punched me. He rarely hit me in the face because it showed. The second time, I was almost 3 months and he pushed me and I fell down some stairs. The third time, the baby was a boy. I was 6 months along. Micheal came home drunk and angry. He kicked me - several times and that was that. The only reason Grace survived was because he was out of the country until I was 7 months along, and when he came back he had brought a young boy to act as his servant. He didn't have much use for me then."
"I should have killed the bastard," Danny said in a harsh voice. Kate looked up at him surprised at how angry he was.
"He'll get what's coming to him, eventually," Kate told him.
"Not soon enough. If I ever see him again...."
Kate rested her head against his chest, feeling his heartbeat and tensed muscles. No wonder she always felt so safe with him.
"Hey Flyboy," Kate said, interrupting him. "I love you too."
The ominous look left Danny's eyes as he smiled and leaned down to kiss her. "I was kind of hoping you did."
They broke apart at the sound of running feet. "Mrs. Walker, Mrs. Walker," a young boy panted as he stopped in front of them. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but it's Julie - her water broke and the pains are coming real fast. Mom sent me for you. You got to come quick!"
The familiar jolt of adrenaline raced through Kate. "Okay Andrew, I'm on my way." She looked up at Danny. "I guess I'll see you later," she told him, glad for the coming darkness because it covered her blush.
Danny smiled down at her. "Later," he kissed her lingeringly, "Mrs. Walker."
Kate felt her smile stretch across her face idiotically as she followed Andrew accross the compound.
Danny watched her go, his smile fading. What was he going to do now? He wasn't sure if he was glad that the topic had changed during their fight. It wasn't easy to talk about Evelyn, but it was something that Kate deserved to know. And it had been way past time for him to tell her that he loved her. He knew that he loved her and she loved him, but they had never told each other how deep that love went. They had been living on assumptions for too long and he was glad that they had straightened things out between them. But come tomorrow, or the next day, Danny wasn't sure if Kate would even be speaking to him.
A visit this afternoon had turned his life upside down. Danny sighed and turned to go into the cabin. He'd have to talk to Kate tonight.