Prologue
Rick could feel the cold creeping into his old bones. It wasn't the cold of those sleepless nights spent dreaming about his precious Evy, taken away from him so many years ago, but rather the bitter chill he felt many years ago in the middle of the desert, in a now buried city. In a place called Hamunaptra. He was calling to Rick to join him in hell, and if he wasn't going to come, he'd return and drag him down into it. He was coming. Imhotep was calling. The book was calling. And Rick was too damn old to do a thing about it. But there was a chance that he knew someone who could. Rick sat up in his bed and dialed the number he'd been given...
Chapter 1
He awoke to see the two dumbest looking individuals he had ever laid eyes on, staring down at him. One, a skinny little rat with long blond hair and a nose ring, and the other, a tubby bastard in a black trenchcoat with his hat turned backwards.
Damn, dude! you smoke some harsh s*** or what? I bet you got a case of the mad munchies! Hey lunchbox, give Luke Highwalker here one of them snacky cakes youse always carryin'. The skinny one said, looking closely at the man who up to this point had been laying face down in a puddle outside of the Quik Stop. What the f*** happened to you, looks like you got caught in one of them bear traps or something. What, you out in the woods taking a dump and alla the sudden you get your hand stuck in a trap while you're releasing your load? I bet you hadda chew your damn hand off to get away before the hunter's came and started poking you with sticks and s***. Damn, Tubby, this bitch is more survivor than that naked gay guy on that island.
The fat one nodded, eyes wide, taken in by the other's story.
Where in the hell am I? Who the hell are you two? Nevermind, Hell, that must be where I am, Hell. And you are my punishment. Eternal torture by an annoying pussy boy. Where the hell you from anyway...Jersey? The man asked.
What the f***! I'm the one doing the questioning here, stumpy. Me, Jay, master of every damn thing I survey, Lord of this beautiful Garden State!!! he screamed in his gravelly, obviously over smoked voice. Oh, and this here is my hetero soul mate, Silent Bob.
Bob took his cigarette from his mouth and nodded.
The stranger looked up. Name's Ash. Where am I?
Jay looked at him and smiled. The center of the known g**damm universe, my big chinned friend. Red Bank, New Jersey. In front of the Quik Stop and RTS Video to be precise.
Almost like clockwork the door of RTS Video flew open. Out stepped a young gentleman in a hockey jersey. He obviously had had it up to here with someone, but Ash wasn't quite sure who.
All right you f*****' druggies! I told you dumba**es I'd call the cops if you didn't stop your loitering, and there on their way here right now, crotch-sniffer! The clerk buried an index finger in Jay's chest. And who in the blue hell is this? Another damn druggie? Or just a f'in homeless layabout? You get the hell outta here too. How are we supposed to get any work done around here when you damn bums are just lying around the sidewalk? I'm trying to watch Navy Seals in here for God's Sake!
At that, Ash had seen enough and stood on his weak legs, wobbling only slightly. He then looked him straight in the eye. Ya know kid, you need to learn a little bit about customer service.
Well, fuh--- was all he got out before Ash began to club him with his stump. Ash heard police sirens.
Yo badassssssss! Jay screamed We best get a move on before the pigs show up, even if Tubby here is fond of the cavity searches.
Ash began to follow them, but turned around to lock eyes with the clerk again. He smiled slightly and opened his mouth And remember...Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.
Chapter 2
Private investigator John Shaft remembered meeting old man O'Connell maybe once before. He was once partnered with Rick's grandson, James on the NYPD. James had been responsible for showing John the ropes, much like John's own uncle had done for him. The funny thing was, John remembered Rick being older than dirt even then, how damn old was this man, and why was he calling at this godforsaken hour?
Yes Mr. O'Connell, a book...Mmmm hmm...TWO books? Ok...Uh...Mr. O'Connell, you're not making a bit of sense. But I can see this has got you all stirred up. Maybe I can come down and check up on you...aw, no problem at all Mr. O'Connell, I owe James that much. So, you're in Shady Lanes nursing home in Red Bank, Jersey. I have some free time, so I'll be down to see you tomorrow, Mr O'Connell. With that, Shaft hung up the phone. He pondered the strange converstation. Book of the Dead? Necronomicon? At 3 in the morning, what the hell did make sense?