Save the Best for Last
A/N: This was both my first CCS fic and my first songfic. This is the second touch-up I've made (only some slight word-changes and I tried to integrate the song into it a little bit more).
Disclaimer (very important!) - I do not own any of the characters from CLAMP's Card Captor Sakura. I also do not own the song Save the Best for Last, it belongs to Vanessa Williams. No profit has been made here… except for my own personal enjoyment of writing.
A very tired, very irritated Hiiragizawa Eriol collapsed onto his couch, a long sigh escaping his lips. "Eriol-sama?" inquired a curious, yet concerned, voice. The door cracked open slightly and Nakuru peeked into the room. "Is everything all right?"
"I'm all right. Don't worry about me. But, if you don't mind, I'd like a little privacy."
"If you're sure." She could tell that something was bothering him. Under normal circumstances, Nakuru would have questioned him further – either to bug him or to get to the root of the problem, whichever she felt more like doing – but tonight he seemed withdrawn and weary. It was plainly evident that he did not want company, and she did not feel it was fair to pester him tonight. Besides, there was Suppi-chan to annoy. "I'll see you in the morning, then. Oyasumi!" Her head vanished from the small opening and the door clicked shut. Eriol let out another long sigh.
For what felt like the first time in his life, Eriol was too tired to talk to anyone. There was a feeling at the back of his mind that had been nagging him for ages, and he was just on the verge of figuring it out. It was as if he'd been climbing a very steep mountain, and was near the top – but once he was there, and could see everything, would he lose his footing and slip? He was scared that he would. Scared, upset… but mainly, he was confused. Feelings were growing inside him that never had before – they were foreign. Overwhelming. Impossible to handle.
Perhaps he just needed sleep. He would sort out his problems in the morning. But when he closed his eyes to sleep, he saw her. The 'problem' did not go away, and in fact as he lay in bed it was all he could think about. She was smiling at him. Laughing with him. Angrily he opened his eyes and got out of bed. Laughing at him.
For a moment, he wondered why everything was happening so suddenly. He had never fantasized about her before. Had he? Oi, Eriol-san no baka! You've been dreaming about her for a very long time now! He rubbed his weary eyes, then glanced around at his room – everything was cleaned, organized, except for his bed. He would not be able to sleep unless he sorted this out now.
He rushed downstairs, to the door, grabbed his jacket, and left. He had not bothered to be quiet – to avoid Nakuru's and Spinel Sun's suspicions. Such precautions had no room in his mind at the moment.
The park was his destination. Walks often helped him sort out his problems when he couldn't think. And this late at night the park would be empty. Though it was night, his feet knew the well-trod path, and soon he came to the penguin slide. It loomed, a great shadow in the dark, but it was more of a peaceful reminder of times past. Truly, the memories were not his, they were Sakura's, Syaoran's, Tomoyo's… this was their town. Their place. He was the outsider. But they had welcomed him in to their group, even after everything he had put them through. They took him here, to relax, to chat, to picnic. Despite his current state of mind, he smiled, remembering their last picnic adventure.
"Eriol-kun!" Sakura had blurted suddenly. Eriol had been standing aside, distracted, but at Sakura's cheerful call he had looked up. "Eriol, you can come too!" She had invited him to their picnic. He had not said anything during the whole discussion because he felt like he was intruding on their old tradition. Normally he would gladly have come. But he had glanced at Syaoran's narrowing eyes, and he had tried to look at Tomoyo, but there was an anxiety that had not let him. A nervousness he had never felt before.
"No, that's okay. I'm busy."
"Can't you get out of it? We'd love to have your company!" She had cleared her throat and coughed. "Wouldn't we, Syaoran?" He had merely glowered, and then reluctantly nodded. Syaoran had not forgiven Eriol for flirting with his girlfriend. Eriol rolled his eyes.
"I'm sorry, but…"
"If Sakura wants you to come," Tomoyo had suddenly butted in"then you will come."
There could be no arguing after that. Humor the girl! His mind had shouted at him. He had nodded slowly.
Tomoyo, in turn, had smiled brightly back.
"What do we need to bring?" Sakura had abruptly changed the subject, probably not purposely. It had given Eriol a chance to edge off to the side again. For a few minutes they had discussed their plans without him, and he had inconspicuously kept his eyes on Tomoyo – so inconspicuously that he hadn't noticed himself, until just now. She had turned to him and smiled – very suspiciously. Guiltily.
"Eriol… would you mind bringing a few things?"
"No, of course not. What do you need?"
"Umm…" She had shifted her gaze to the ground. "Just a few things." And then she had handed him the List.
His eyes had bulged and his mouth had dropped in surprise. "Just a few things!" He had looked over the list again, as if rereading it would change it. "Do you really need all this?"
"Please, Hiiragizawa-kun?" she had pleaded, once again staring at him with large, hopeful eyes. Something had stirred inside him; he had wanted to please her. Tomoyo was known for being very persuasive – dangerous if she didn't get her way. Of course, those were just rumors. But his urge to please her had come from somewhere else. Eriol was not afraid of Daidouji Tomoyo.
"All right…" He had desperately tried to look unsure, but in his mind he had already decided.
"Domo arigatou!" Tomoyo beamed.
"No problem…"
Sakura had been rolling her eyes. "It's just a picnic, Tomoyo-chan!"
"Yes, well, I want to make this fun!"
She had smiled at Eriol again. Feeling hot all of a sudden, Eriol had decided it was time to leave. "I'll… go get those things now…" he had said, and rushed off.
Eriol opened his eyes, the memory fading from his mind. He was beginning to realize that Tomoyo had been in his thoughts for a long time, though he was just starting to realize it.
Looking up at the moon, he remembered how happy he felt whenever she smiled, how he had always felt he wanted to comfort her when she felt sad. And why he blushed every time she looked at him with a smile and asked him for something, or thanked him, or simply said 'hello'.
Deep in the corners of his mind, a song whispered. "Sometimes the snow comes down in June / Sometimes the sun goes round the moon / I see the passion in your eyes / Sometimes it's all a big surprise." 'Surprise' echoed and lingered a bit.
"Tomoyo…" he breathed, his breath almost visible in the chilly night air. He had been calling her 'Daidouji-san' for such a long time, but still, her name came easily to his lips. It was such a pretty name, he decided. Daidouji Tomoyo, yes, he definitely liked her name. But more importantly, her smile, and the way she cared so much about her friends. "But, how much do you care about me?"
He came to a pond, and looked down at his reflection. Why… why would Tomoyo ever feel anything for me? She loves Sakura… and I don't want to make her unhappy. He laughed, though it came out more like a happy sigh or soft chuckle. He realized how much alike they were. Tomoyo knew that Sakura would never be able to return her feelings, but still, she loved Sakura and was only happy if Sakura was happy. She knew that Li-kun would never harm Sakura, and was happy that at least, if Sakura didn't love her, she loved him of all people.
He looked at his reflection, and imagined that Tomoyo was smiling beside him.
Just days before, she'd visited his house. The flowerpot had toppled precariously at the edge of the table, and as if in slow motion it had fallen to the ground. When it hit the floor, the clay pot had exploded into pieces; the sound of its breaking had made him wince. Tomoyo jumped back in surprise.
"I'm sorry!" she had squealed, her eyes wide as she surveyed the damage.
She looked so desperately sorry that he had not been able to get angry. "Don't worry about it," he had reassured her. "I have plenty of other flowerpots."
"I'm very sorry, Hiiragizawa-san, I will replace it…"
He had not been able to hold back his amusement. "Daidouji-san, don't worry about it. It's fine."
Her eyes had told him that she did not believe him. "It was a very nice pot."
Here he had burst into laughter. "You bought it for me!"
She had glanced away then, biting her lip. "All the more reason I should buy you a new one…"
"It's just a pot…"
His attempts to absolve any guilt she had had failed, however, and her eyebrows had furrowed in dissatisfaction. "I feel like I owe you." She bent down and picked up the flowers. "At least let me help you repot these?" Several awkward moments of silence had followed. Eriol stared at the flowers in thought. Tomoyo's eyes watched him, waiting. Expectant.
"I think they might do better in the garden, actually," he said. "They're ready to move on. The small pot must have been confining them a bit. Don't you think?"
His true meaning was vague and symbolic, but Tomoyo had appeared not to have noticed. She nodded.
"To the garden, then?"
Tomoyo had followed Eriol to the garden. The flowers in her hand had been violets… one of her favorites. At the door, she had glanced back at the table on which they'd been sitting – next to the window, next to the cherry blossom tree growing outside. Sakura… you love Li-kun now. Perhaps it is time I let you go…
"Here we are! The perfect spot for them." Eriol's smile was as accommodating as it always was. He's always out to please, Tomoyo had thought. It was rather endearing. He was motioning to a clear patch of dirt. "I think they'll like it here."
Tomoyo had left after the flowers had been planted. "I'm really sorry about the pot, Hiiragizawa-kun. Usually I'm not so clumsy."
"It's okay. Really, I forgive you. It was nice having you over." He had paused. "We've known each other for awhile now, haven't we? I think you can call me Eriol."
"Only if you call me Tomoyo instead of 'Daidouji'." She winked back at him; it cast a wave of sudden nervousness that Eriol could not think for a moment.
"All right, then, okay, that sounds good." He had forced himself to stop talking after that, for fear that his stuttering would give something away – he didn't know what it may give away, but he had felt that whatever it was, it would be extremely embarrassing.
Tomoyo had just continued smiling, as if oblivious to his discomfort.
He had taken a deep breath. "All right, Tomoyo. It will take some getting used to, though."
"Yes, it will." She had looked down at the steps. "Eriol…" she faded off, glancing up at him, but then interrupted herself. "Never mind." She had shaken her head. "I'll see you at school, then."
"Ja ne!"
"Ja!"
Eriol had watched her leave, feeling something in his chest. What's wrong with me? What has gotten into me lately? Maybe…I just need more rest…But still…Tomoyo, what were you going to say?
He gazed smooth surface of the water, closing his eyes as in his head the song continued. "'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish / You'd tell me this was love / It's not the way I hoped or how I planned / But somehow, it's enough."
Eriol stretched. He didn't know how long he had been standing there, staring at the water, remembering all of the times they had spent together.
"Eriol?"
Eriol spun around, surprised to hear the voice of another, much less the voice of Tomoyo. "Tomoyo-san! W-What are you doing here?" he asked. "What are you doing here at – " he checked his watch " - three-thirty in the morning?"
"I could ask the same of you." She walked up and joined him by the railing of the bridge, looking down at their reflections in the pond.
"I couldn't sleep." He was watching her gaze at their reflections, her face somewhat puzzled.
"Neither could I." She faced him. "Eriol… I was thinking. Remember when I broke that flowerpot when I was at your house for tea?"
"Yes. Actually, I was just thinking about that."
"Well, you said, 'I think they might do better in the garden, actually. They're ready to move on. The small pot must have been confining them a bit.' You were talking about the violets. Do you remember that?"
Eriol hesitated. "Yeah… a bit. How did you remember that?"
Tomoyo blushed. "I … I remember everything you say. It just sort of…sticks in my mind. But specifically that, because that was when Sakura-chan and Li-kun had been dating for two years, and, well, you know how…" Eriol nodded. "Well, I was thinking, that maybe, I should let Sakura go… and try to find someone else to love. And, Sakura told me that it would make her happy if I did find someone…"
"Did you?"
"What?"
"Find someone?"
Tomoyo's face got even redder. "Maybe," she whispered. Her voice faltered. "But, Eriol, since then, I've found that… I don't love Sakura the way I used to… I still love her, as my best friend. But now I love her in a different way than before. I never thought I'd stop loving her, Eriol."
Eriol felt extremely awkward. Tomoyo's feelings for Sakura – for another person, another girl – had always made him feel uncomfortable. He knew that what he felt for her now must be classified as love; no other feeling was as obscure. And every time Tomoyo talked about Sakura – it broke his heart. It was terrible. He hated how she loved another person, and yet he knew that if it was possible, he would rather see her with Sakura than alone. It was the most contradictory feeling in the world, but he had begun to believe that love was just that.
But if Tomoyo no longer loved Sakura… was that his doing? Love was supposed to be an important feeling; if he had taken away Tomoyo's love, how could he still be her friend? If he had made her denounce her love… But what else should he have done? Sakura's heart belonged to Syaoran. There was nothing he could have done but try to make her see that any relationship with Sakura was impossible. So had he really helped her out?
"Eriol?"
She was saying his name – his name, not his family name. And for some odd reason, it felt more personal. Perhaps that was not odd at all. It felt more comfortable; they were connected in some way they hadn't been before.
"You haven't stopped loving her, Tomoyo." Eriol had no idea what he was saying, but his intuition told him he was right. "You just said that you love her as your best friend. So why do you say that you thought you'd never stop loving her?"
"…Eriol…I…um…etto…" Tomoyo, at a loss for words, suddenly started crying.
"Tomoyo! What's wrong?"
Still, the song played in his mind, swirling around as if on an old record player; the problem with his imagination and ability to multitask. "And now we're standing face to face / Isn't this world a crazy place/ Just when I thought our chance had passed / You go and save the best for last."
"Eriol? Eriol!"
Eriol had groaned, sitting up in bed. It was storming out, and someone was banging on his doorway. He hadn't slept well in days. "Coming, coming…" he mumbled to no one – the person at the door could in no way hear him – and made his way to the door. He opened it, and nearly fainted in shock.
"Daidouji-san!" It had been before the flowerpot incident. "What are you doing here? What's wrong?"
"Eriol," a feeble voice pleaded, "may I come in?" Her face was red and wet from crying, and he could tell that she had had a rough night. Her hair was soaked from the rain, as were her clothes.
"Of course, Daidouji-san." He let her in, closing the door behind her. "I'll go get you some blankets," he said, after noticing she was shivering.
Eriol had lent her dry clothing, which was all too big for her, but warm and dry, and a blanket. They were sitting in his kitchen, sipping hot cocoa. He decided to break the silence.
"What's wrong, Daidouji-san? That is, if you wish to tell me."
Tomoyo looked up at him with sad eyes. "Hiiragizawa-kun… I'm sorry if I'm bothering you at such a late hour. I didn't know who else to go to."
He was silent for a moment. "What about Sakura?"
Tomoyo sobbed. "She's part of the problem. I wouldn't want to worry her over this… over me…"
"Would you mind telling me? Maybe I can help…?"
"Maybe… maybe later. I just want to talk about something else for now." She sniffled.
"All right. So…"
And they had spent the rest of the night talking. Tomoyo started to feel better, and she confessed why she was upset. She had just discovered that Sakura loved Syaoran. She admitted that she had always known that a strong bond existed between the two, but she had never given up hope that Sakura would love her someday. Despite the fact that she wanted Sakura to be happy, and that she had always suspected that Li-kun and Sakura-chan liked each other, it had crushed her to hear it from Sakura. And she had sounded so happy, too. She had allowed herself to continue to hope, though her mind had known for a long time. Her heart, however, could not bear the confirmation out loud, from Sakura.
"All of the nights you came to me," he heard; and it emphasized the memory in his mind. "When some silly girl had set you free / You wondered how you would get through / I wondered what was wrong with you." His eyes traced upon Tomoyo's pale cheeks and the clear tears running fiercely down them. They sparkled in the moonlight.
A week later, after the flower pot incident, Tomoyo had greeted Eriol. They often went to school early in the morning to practice 'something special.'
"Ohayo, Eriol-kun!"
Eriol played the piano, and Tomoyo sang – they were working on a duet for the next school concert.
"Konnichiwa, Tomoyo-san. How are you today?"
"Great! So, shall we get started?"
"Hai, I would think so."
Tomoyo had leaned down to look at the sheet of music. "We'll start there, we need a little practice with that part," she had suggested, pointing at one of the measures of the music. She had explained what she thought they needed to work on, but Eriol was just watching her. He had never noticed how beautiful she was. He had never realized how much he loved the way her hair smelled, how it fell around her face in waves of blue-black.
That was just a day earlier…
"'Cause how could you give your love to someone else," A pained expression came over his face. "And share your dreams with me/ Sometimes the very thing you're looking for / Is the one thing you can't see."
Eriol looked Tomoyo in the eyes, and she suddenly fell against him, hugging him tight. He put his arms around her, shocked and uncertain if that was what he should do. He wiped the tears off her cheek gently, as if he was handling a porcelain doll.
"Tomoyo…what's wrong?" he asked gently.
She sniffed. "I…couldn't sleep because … I was thinking about Sakura. And you," she added.
Eriol hesitated again; it seemed he had been doing that a lot lately. Most of the time, he knew what to do, how to handle situations. But now he was at a complete loss for words. "Me?" he blurted. "You were thinking about me?"
"Yes… and how you were always kind to me, even when I was mad at you. And how you always forgave me even if I didn't deserve it – "
"This isn't about the flowerpot again, is it? I told you, don't feel bad about that."
"No," the corner of her lip turned up a little bit. She sniffled. "And then, you comforted me when I was upset. Domo arigato, Eriol-kun. But my point is, you were always nice to me."
"You're my friend… of course I was nice to you."
"But you were different…"
"Well, is that why you couldn't sleep? Because you wanted to say 'thank you' to me for being so nice?" Eriol asked, somewhat confused.
"No, baka!" Eriol glanced away, embarrassed. "I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I didn't love Sakura anymore. And then, I decided I'd go ask you for…advice… but you weren't home."
"You were going to wake me up in the middle of the night again?"
"I didn't think you'd mind. Besides, you are already awake."
His glanced at her again, smirking a little. "Taking advantage of my niceness, are we?"
"Heh.."
He shook his head. "Anyway, go on."
"Well, since you weren't there… I decided to go for a walk instead. To clear out my mind."
"And you found me."
"Yes."
"Yes," she said. Definitive. He felt suddenly as if the rest of the world had disappeared, and the ground beneath his feet seemed to spin slightly. He wanted to look away; he was afraid that his eyes would give everything away. But he could not find it in himself to turn his gaze, and the chorus of that song repeated in his head, "But now we're standing face to face / Isn't this world a crazy place/ Just when I thought our chance had passed / You go and save the best for last."
"How can I help you?" Eriol asked, feeling oddly like a store clerk.
"Tell me. How do you feel? I always go to you, I always tell you… everything. But I have no idea where you're coming from. What you're thinking. How do you feel?"
"About what?"
"Eriol…" Tomoyo sighed. "How do you feel about Sakura and Syaoran…?"
Eriol eyed her suspiciously. Knowing girls, she was probably hinting at something, but he wasn't getting it. She seemed very evasive. Strange. "Well, how should I feel? They're our friends, and they say they're in love. I trust them, and I am happy for them that they get to be in such a relationship. Love really is a wonderful thing." Or so I've heard…
"Yes, a wonderful thing indeed…"
"I also wish that I could be in a relationship like that. But, I never… found anyone." Until you, that is… He coughed slightly and looked away.
Tomoyo sighed. "Then that's that, I guess."
"That's that?"
Tomoyo left his embrace and turned to leave.
"Tomoyo – "
"Eriol. I wanted to know if there was anything between us. I've been very confused lately, and I had to know. But apparently there isn't."
"Tomoyo…"
"You just said that you have never found anyone."
It figures… girls are so tricky…
Then, he thought of something to say. "The girl I love... she could never love me back."
"Why do you say that?" Her tone was suddenly demanding.
His eyes rolled up towards the moon, gazing intently at the vibrant white orb, as if he could will it to send him the proper response.
"No one can love me." His heart was beating rapidly against his chest, and he wished desperately that he could have been anywhere but here. He stood, unmoving, staring at the moon.
His expression was unreadable, but Tomoyo thought he looked sad and depressed. Eriol had Spinel Sun and Nakuru. He had his friends. He was always outgoing, witty, and yes, somewhat annoyingly arrogant. He was friends with almost anyone. How could he be lonely? What could he possibly long for that he did not already have?
The answer was obvious, but she doubted she could fulfill his need. She was sure that she felt something for Eriol – admiration, perhaps. Respect, maybe. But he was right. There was something about him that distanced him from everyone else. It was mysterious, yes, and attractive, yes, but it made it impossible to get close to him.
He suddenly turned towards her, his gaze vibrant, intense, so unlike Eriol that she took a step back in surprise. And then she saw a part of him he had never let anyone seen before; his eyes were as expressive as her own, as expressive and passionate as Sakura's. They gave away everything.
How could she have been so stupid? Of course there was a connection there. Eriol really was just too good at hiding his emotions until he wanted someone to know how he felt.
"That's not fair," she protested, "You're not being fair to yourself."
His gaze only intensified; Tomoyo blinked and shifted. He turned away. His dark blue eyes were brooding, mysterious, closing off from the world once more. "You can't stand me."
"You can't make that judgment!"
"I just did." He turned even more, his back towards her. She could not see his face.
But she had never seen anyone like this. When Sakura was upset, she was obvious about it. She cried. Eriol… was just impossible.
"Do you… do you…" she could not ask the question; her throat closed up on her, made her cough. She did not try again, but Eriol seemed to know what she meant.
His voice was quiet. "Yes." He still did not turn around. "You."
The emotion in his voice was impossible for her to bear. She backed away. "I… I'm sorry, but… my mom… might notice I'm not home. I have to go." She turned and rushed away. Her footsteps faded. Eriol still did not bother to turn around. He could not watch her go. He could not risk her seeing the tears leaking from his eyes. After years of never crying… he had not been able to hold them in any longer.
He had told her, though in less words that it ought to have taken. But she knew. And her leaving was her denial. She could not love him. It scared her. It scared her to death. A relationship with him was just something she could not do.
His reflection stared up at him, and the loneliness flooded over him. Overwhelming.
Tomoyo stopped at the turn of the path and looked back at him. He was looking at his reflection again, the way he was when she first found him. Something in her chest ached, and she put a hand over her heart. An image of him setting out tea, planting the violets in his garden, and, she remembered, laughing, his expression when she had given him the list of supplies for their picnic, these images floated through her mind.
Could she do it? Was Eriol too much for her? Was it fair not to give him a chance?
Two lines sprang at the back of Tomoyo's head – "Sometimes the very thing you're looking for / Is the one thing you can't see."
Eriol sighed and picked up a stone to throw at the water. He felt so stupid, so angry with himself. He gritted his teeth, about to throw the rock. That was when Tomoyo's reflection appeared next to his. He narrowed his eyes, telling his imagination to stop playing tricks on him.
"You shouldn't throw that rock at your reflection. You'd ruin it."
He froze. "Tomoyo?"
She took the rock out of his hand and dropped it on the bridge. "I realized that maybe…maybe the reason I don't love Sakura anymore is because I found someone else."
Eriol looked at her, hesitant on what he should say. What he should do. He felt out of control. She had started this way before, and he had ruined it.
"Well…aren't you going to say something?" She gazed up at him hopefully, but he was too hurt to see it.
"You said that before. That you found someone else. I don't know what to say, though. I don't want to upset you again."
"You won't upset me."
"…Who did you find?"
Tomoyo's voice was soft. Gentle. But verging on mocking. "Who do you think?"
They locked gazes for a moment, and Eriol could read her eyes very clearly. They were showing him that he was wrong, and that she did feel something for him. They were also not confused anymore, like when she had first shown up on the bridge.
"Me?" he asked nervously. His voice had cracked.
"You," she whispered, "are a very smart person. But you have trouble showing you're feelings. I'm going to change that." Though she said this confidently, her hands were shaking.
"Are you?"
"Yes." She hugged him tightly again, and this time he was even more surprised. "I'm going to make sure that everyone knows how much you love me. And," she gazed up at his eyes. "How much I love you."
Eriol raised his eyebrows in surprise, and she turned to look at the stars.
"Aren't they beautiful?" she asked him.
"Yes," he answered, looking at her, "Very beautiful."
And at the back of both their minds, each heard the fading end to the song: "Sometimes the snow comes down in June / Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon / Just when I thought our chance had passed / You go and save the best for last…
"You went and saved the best for last, yeah…"