Part 7 Prankster War
By Admiral Albia

In which Fred and George publicly embarrass Malfoy, and the Marauders get the glimmerings of an idea...

Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). The form James uses was first printed in the Beryl the Peril Book 1975 and is copyrighted to D.C. Thomson and Co., ltd. Many thanks to my beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D

I'm terribly sorry it's taken so long, it wasn't so much because Fanfiction.net was down than because I wasn't here ;-( Still, I've got the sequel planned out, and it's gonna be... errrr... well, Malfoy's going with Harry, Ron and Hermione to werewolf school, so hazard a guess ;-) And no, Remus DOESN'T bite them =) Haven't you ever heard of transfer students?

Chapter Seven; Malfoy's Crush (Saturday/Sunday)
"Can we come in?"
"Sure." James opened the door and let Harry, Ron and Hermione step into Myrtle's toilet. "It's not like we're doing anything."
"Why not?" Ron demanded.
"We're currently ahead of them by quite a long way, so we're taking a rest," Remus said idly from one of the cubicles. "Incidentally, they checked the Quidditch scores and you didn't win, Harry, it was a draw. We were a hundred and fifty points up when you... er... `caught` the Snitch. The real one, I mean."
"I know, Madam Hooch told us this morning."
"You cheated, though," Hermione said, frowning.
"So? It's a Prankster War. Anyone who thought we were being honest with all that stuff about `no pranks` doesn't know us that well..." James said carelessly.
"I thought you were being..." Sirius began. James shifted position ever so slightly and in doing so managed to kick his friend's shin. "Ow!"
"What are the twins planning?" Remus asked.
"Dunno, they won't let us in. Something with Malfoy, I think."
"Malfoy?" James frowned. "Isn't he the one who's got a crush on Lily?"
"Yep," Remus confirmed. "Ironically, he absolutely hates Muggle-borns. Oh, and Harry. And he's Snape's little pet. Need I go on?"
"No. Get out of that cubicle, Moony, I'm gonna throw up..."
"Not on me you don't!" Myrtle shrieked.
"Through you, surely," Sirius teased her. The air was suddenly rent with sobs from Myrtle and loud, fake retching from James.

/\/\/\
"Reckon this'll work, Fred?"
"Why shouldn't it? He's already got the crush, we're just... enhancing it a bit. Pass the bat teeth, would you?"
/\/\/\
The trickiest part of the operation was persuading Malfoy's eagle owl to help, but it eventually consented. Once they'd sent it off, Fred turned to George.
"We'll get top marks for this! The adults'd better have something good in mind..." And, chuckling, the Weasley twins headed back to the common room...
/\/\/\
"Ten, five, six. Five points. Beat that!"
"It'll be my pleasure. Blackjack! Twenty-one points, I win again..."
"I haven't had my go yet."
"Oh, go on then. If you must."
"Six, seven, eight. Hah! Twenty-one points too! Game continues, James is out..." James sighed. He always had been useless at this game, even if it was a matter of luck. Leaving the other two to the battle of the blackjacks, he got up and wandered over to where Lily was bonding with Harry. In a rather more literal sense, the two of them were complaining about Petunia.
"- And then Uncle Vernon said I had to say I'd been going to St Brutus' School for Incurably Criminal Boys, or something, like that, and then -"
"Vernon? She married that idiot?"
"Well, I can't see her doing..." Harry made a vague motion with his hands - "without being married, somehow."
"Can't you? I can. I have," Lily added smugly. "We shared a bedroom."
"Vernon?" James sat down in an empty chair, discovered that Sirius' pet dragon Bria A/n; READ LIVE FREE OR DIE NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY!> was asleep in it wrapped up in his Invisibility Cloak, stood up, displaced Bria, separated Cloak and dragon and sat down again. "Wasn't he the one I punched?"
"Yep."
"Did you really?" Harry asked.
"Yeah. I was originally intending to hex him, but Sirius'd nicked my wand so I punched him instead."
"What made you want to hex him?"
"Can't you guess?"
"Oh."
"Speaking of which, Harry, there's a few things I wanted to clear up with you." James conjured a large clipboard and a quill into his hand. "Could you fill in the form, please? It's easier than me writing it all out."
"OK." Harry took the clipboard and read the form. Then he did a double take, and read it again. It said;
Name;.........................................................
Address;..................................................................................
................................................................................................
Age;......
Height;................
Colour of eyes;.....................
Colour of socks;...................
Age of socks;......
Number of teeth;........
Colour of teeth;.........
Age of teeth;.......
Date of birth;................
Date of pudding;..............
Number of brothers;..............
Number of sisters;..............
Number of elephants;............
Colour of elephants' socks;.............
Height of cheek;....................
Favourite singer;....................................
Favourite Chaser;..................................
Favourite dinner;....................................
Age of neighbour's camel;...................
Height of Mount Everest;.....................
Colour of Red Sea;....................
Name of left foot;.......................
Colour of left foot;......................
Size of hat;.................
Size of cat;.................
Number of mice;...................
Colour of vest;...................
Load of rubbish, Y/N?
Harry checked the `Y` box on the last question and handed the form back. His father beamed at him.
"Excellent, you have a head on your shoulders!"
/\/\/\
Tap. Tap. Tap.
"Yours, Draco," someone by the window said. Malfoy went to let his owl in, puzzled; he hadn't demanded anything from home recently, and it was only a week since his last sweet delivery. Curious, he yanked the letter and small package off his owl's foot so hard it fell over and flew indignantly off to the Owlery. Draco didn't care; he'd opened the package to find a small bottle containing a pinkish liquid. He opened the note, which had presumably been written on his father's bespelled typewriter.
Draco,
I appreciate that this is short notice, but your mother has been taken with Squib flu.
Draco gasped. Squib flu rendered its victim completely magicless until it passed over.
Since it can take up to three weeks to take effect, you may have it too. I want you to take this potion with EVERY MEAL, understand? All you need to do is to pour a teaspoon of it into your goblet of pumpkin juice and drink normally.
Owl me when you run out.
Father


/\/\/\

Of course, Draco didn't know that at that very moment, Fred and George Weasley had re-entered the Gryffindor common room, grinning wickedly...
/\/\/\
Sunday was the day that the judges would give their final marks, which meant that breakfast was a very wild affair. Hermione found a small plastic beetle in her pumpkin juice thanks to the Marauders, and a real spider somehow worked its way onto Ron's plate, causing him to spill bacon and eggs all over Neville in his panic. He said several very rude words to Fred and George and was threatening to hit them when Professor McGonagall showed up.
Over at the Slytherin table, Malfoy's `medicine` had turned his pumpkin juice bright red, and made it taste of strawberries for some reason. He drank it as quickly as he could and stifled a huge burp. At the Gryffindor table, one of the Weasleys nudged his twin.
A glint of red caught Draco's eye as Lily turned her head. In a dream, he got up and started towards the Gryffindor table...
/\/\/\
"Honestly, you three, didn't you pay any attention in Muggle Studies?"
"Nope," Sirius said cheerfully.
"Old Candwiggle was too gullible for us to pay attention," James added.
"Yeah..." Remus sighed wistfully. "Remember when we told him we'd just been bitten by vampires and he believed us, and we got the rest of the day off?"
"So that's where you all went!"
"Oh, come on, Lily, you must have noticed that Snape got more custard on him than usual..."
"Push off, Malfoy," Ron said as the Slytherin stopped in front of them. Fred and George looked up with interest.
"What'd happen if a vampire did bite a werewolf, anyway? I mean, would you get a man who became a vampire every full moon, or a vampire who became a wolf at full moon, or a wolf who turned into a bat at full moon, or vice-versa..."
"I'm not hanging around a vampire haunt just so you can find out, thanks, Sirius. Did you want something, Draco?" But Malfoy wasn't listening; he was staring at Lily with some kind of unashamed reverence.
"What's your problem?" She asked him irritably. He'd been following her around too much recently for her to be patient.
"I love you."
"Wonderful. Buzz off." Malfoy stayed rooted to the spot.
"Hello?" Lily waved a hand energetically in front of Malfoy's face. "Is anyone at home? Or should I leave a message after the tone?"
"Huh?"
"I think it's a Muggle joke..."
"Oh." Sirius turned his attention back to Lily and Malfoy. He wasn't the only one; the entire school was taking an interest now.
"Mr Malfoy, didn't anyone ever tell you to follow a doctor's orders to the letter? Go away."
"She always did play hard-to-get," James murmured to the others.
"Mrs Potter..."
"Yes?" Malfoy got down on one knee.
"Will you marry me?" Lily gawped at him, then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. The Great Hall rang with laughter.
"Have you been taking anything unusual?" Fred and George stopped laughing abruptly.
"I thought so. What did you two put in his pumpkin juice?" Fred spoke up.
"Just a Pheromone Enhancer. Nothing that'll cause lasting damage, except to his dignity. It should wear off any second..." Malfoy blinked suddenly and looked down in horror. "...Now. You're meant to have a ring when you propose, Malfoy..." To Harry's interest, Malfoy had actually gone bright red for the first time ever. He jumped to his feet and ran out of the Hall, with everyone's mirth following him; everyone's except Lily, that is.
"And what about my dignity?"
"Oh, come on, Lils, it was just a bit of fun."
"Uh-huh."
"And anyway, you've been in more embarrassing positions. Remember that time in hospital when our spells dressed you in a bikini and a sombrero?" A/n; see Marauders in Hospital>
"Yes, but everyone else looked stupid too..." Remus hit his forehead suddenly.
"That reminds me. James, I've been looking at the basic theory and I reckon we could do a Master with only three of us."
"Really? Then what are we waiting for?"
"You to finish breakfast, possibly? That sausage has been on your fork for almost five minutes now."
"Bugger breakfast." James stuck the sausage in his mouth, put his fork on his plate and dragged the other two out of the room. The last thing they heard him say was, "We've got a war to win..."
/\/\/
For anyone who actually read Marauders in Hospital, they're not going to use the Mega-Plan again. It's going to fester a little longer. Nope, this is going to be... bigger. Tune in at some point for chapter 8! OK, so I lied when I said I only had one chapter to write =P. Why can't I finish when I want to? Many thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, Caitlin Black!
Take two minutes to review my works and give me much-needed moral support. Constructive criticism much appreciated!
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