By Admiral Albia
In which we discover `Da Book of Pranksters`, Lily and James have a domestic battle and the winners are announced.
Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-). The form James uses was first printed in the Beryl the Peril Book 1975 and is copyrighted to D.C. Thomson and Co., ltd. Many thanks to my beta-reader, Caitlin Black =D
Chapter Eight; Peace Treaty (Sunday)
"NonononononoAAAAAARRRGH!"
"I've found a tickly bit!"
"AAAARRGH! NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oooo, can I have a go?"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Sure. It's just there, see?"
"Cool!"
"AAAAAAARRGH!" It was at this point that Lily poked
her head round the door.
"The feast's ready - what are you doing?"
"Well, Sirius told us he's not ticklish, so we're
proving him wrong."
"AAAAAAAAARRRRGHeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeAAAAAAARRRGH!
STOPPIT!" Remus stopped tickling his friend and Sirius sat up, wiping tears
of laughter from his eyes. "OK, I admit it, I'm ticklish. Did you want
something, Lily?"
"Yeah. The feast's ready, and according to ancient
tradition you, as the unrequited champions, have to go in before the staff
or your opponents. To put it simply, Dumbledore's hungry."
"We're coming. Just as soon as Sirius gets up, we're
coming..." Sirius got up.
"Aren't you going to do anything about those?" Lily
asked, eyeing the rumpled Marauders with distaste.
"Those what?"
"Those clothes."
"Nah. I don't know about those two, but my robes
are just getting comfortable from where somebody ironed them."
"They're a mess!"
"I like them in a mess!"
"Sorry we're late, they're having a domestic battle," Remus apologized.
"I put them on the floor so I can wear them again!"
"How am I supposed to know that?"
"Gods, woman, you've lived with me for nearly seventeen years!"
"Uh-uh. We've been married for nearly seventeen years. I've lived with you for about three years..." Sirius groaned, and filled his lungs.
"SHUT UP!" They shut up. "Thank you. Lily can you go in now? It'd somehow wreck the procession if the Bearer of the Book-"
"-da book -"
"-Whatever, is having an argument with his wife over the exact placement of clothes in bedrooms. It just... doesn't sound right, somehow."
"What book?" Fred asked as Lily walked into the Great Hall and James stuck his tongue out at her back. The Marauders stared at him.
"You don't know about da Book?"
"De ultimate Book of Knowledge, Pranks and Funny Thingys?"
"How did you get this far without discovering the Book of the Pranksters?"
"In the beginning," Remus began reverently, "there was the school. And Satan said, `Let there be pranks!` and He sent down to Hogwarts His prophet, the idiot Tom Fool, and there were pranks. And all was well in the school."
"...at least until Tom Fool blew up Salazar Slytherin," Sirius added. "In his second year, I believe."
"Can we go in now?" Snape asked grumpily.
"And that was why Gryffindor and Slytherin had an argument," James explained. "Slytherin wanted to expel Tom Fool." He picked up a large hardback book - about the size and weight of one volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica - and drew a large whoopee cushion from his pocket, which he inflated with his wand before placing the Book reverently on top of it. Then, slowly, in the most dignified way possible, he began to walk into the Great Hall...
...and was tripped over by Sirius.
"Ancient ritual complete," Remus said, grinning, as the whoopee cushion let out all its air under James' head and the Book bounced to the front of the Hall, "let's go."
Mumblemumblemumble.
"What?" Remus asked. "Speak clearly!"
"This is clearly."
"Oh, give it here, I'll do it." Sirius grabbed the Book from his friend and started to read.
"And in his seventh year there came to the School two boys of mixed parentage, and in the first week Helga Hufflepuff's nose hair developed ringlets, and in the second Samuel Slytherin, the young son of Salazar Slytherin, found a frog in his underpants, and in the third week Tom Fool ventured into the woods to find the boys there before him. And all was not well in the school.
"And so a contest was arranged, to find the best of the pranksters. And the teachers were pleased, for it meant they would know who had performed what tomfoolery. And to this day the Prankster War remains, and the author is sick of putting `and` at the start of every sentence because that's not how people talk anyway. And then it's signed Tom Fool."
"Exactly. And who won, Minerva?"
"Well, it was a near thing," Professor McGonagall admitted. "Once Mr. Malfoy proposed to Lily, we had real problems deciding. But we eventually picked a team, and the winners are..."
The Slytherin table exploded with a bang, sending dishes and people sky-high. The Ravenclaw table began to spew firecrackers in every direction, while its occupants were suddenly placed in swimming costumes and trunks. The Hufflepuff table became a badger.
Nothing happened to the Gryffindors, except for a few flying Slytherins. Malfoy, to his everlasting embarrassment, landed almost on top of Lily.
And in the middle of the room, four symbols were made out of sparks... a circle, a wiggly line, a paw and a sort of curved `V`. The Marauders looked at each other, then pointed their wands. The wiggly line vanished.
"Oh, all right then," Professor McGonagall said. "You've earned it. You're still the champions. Not that you were going to lose the title in any case. The winners are the Marauders!"
"And we'd like to take this opportunity to give Harry back his Cloak and our map," James added, throwing them to Harry who caught them one-handed.
"Your map?" George asked, surprised.
"Well, we wrote it. Why?"
"You... wrote... the... Marauders'... map..." Fred laughed suddenly. "No wonder you won!"
"Thanks! Come on, let's eat."
"Oh, very." James grinned at his wife. "We haven't got any worse since we were twelve."
"Depends on how you define `worse`," she muttered. "Oh well. At least you didn't turn any people into animals this time." Behind her, Snape let out a loud squawk and turned into a turkey. Malfoy found himself returned to ferretdom, courtesy of the Weasley twins. A shadow fell across the table.
"A-hem," said a voice the adults recognized. Sirius looked up.
"Hi, Emilily. Nice cossie." She scowled at him.
"Is it aimed at me personally, or my old house in general?"
"You personally. How's Mike?"
"You try eating dinner off a badger," a disgruntled voice said from behind Emilily. "Can we sit down?"
"Sure." They sat down. "Everyone who doesn't know them, this is Emilily Dinglebonk and Michael Wandworth." The chatter at the Gryffindor stopped abruptly, and everyone's heads turned as if on strings.
"Who?" Ron asked.
"You heard," Emilily told him, smiling. She was about the same height as Sirius; they were all roughly the same height; with long blond hair and blue eyes. Ron rounded on Sirius.
"You know the Emilily Dinglebonk?"
"Yep. We did our first show together." Sirius' wave took in not only himself and Emilily, but Michael too.
"He was the third member of our group, who left before we became famous," Michael explained.
"Through no fault of my own, I might add. Why didn't you come for my trial?"
"Substitute actors on holiday in mid-season. Don't ask why, I don't know. We've just finished the show."
"What were you doing?"
"Anything Goes, it's a Muggle one. Pure fluke we ended up together."
"Anything Goes, again?"
"Yeah." Michael rubbed a hand through his red hair. "The guy who plays Public Enemy Number Thirteen is really crap, not half as good as you were."
"Nobody's as good as Sirius at those parts," Emilily said.
"Aw, shucks. You should've said! I'd've shot him for you..." A/n; you need to have seen Anything Goes to understand this, OK? It is a real show.> They laughed.
"What's the big thing with Emilily?" Hermione asked Ron in an undertone. Harry and Dean leaned in to listen.
"What do you mean, what's the big thing? She's only the best actress in the world! Hundreds of shows, loads of W/WAA's..."
"...People screaming at me everywhere I go..." Emilily put in.
"I sure know how that feels," Sirius said wryly.
"What's a W/WAA?" Harry asked.
"Wizard/Witch Acting Award," Sirius said. "Personally, I think Emilily buys hers from junk shops." He ducked as she hurled a boiled potato at him; it hit Michael, who retaliated with a pork pie.
A full-fledged food fight would probably have broken out right then and there, if Dumbledore hadn't got to his feet and told everyone to go to bed. Lily and James grabbed Harry as he made his way out of the hall.
"Harry - we may not see you in the morning, we're going house-hunting. Once we find a house we like, we could take a while setting up. We'll tell you when we find one, obviously, but you may have to stay with Sirius or Remus over part of Christmas. Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," Harry said, wondering why he couldn't stay at Hogwarts. He supposed he'd just have to wait and see.
A/n; WAAAAAAA! SO SAAAAD! Sorry, I just hate ending stories. This is the end, so it's your last chance to review this story. Go on, you know you want to ;-)
The next story in the series will be called `The Werewolves' Magic Institute`, so look for that =) It will feature old favourites such as Otto, plus a whole host of new characters!
If you liked it, please review my drivel! And thanks ever so gloriously much to my wonderful beta-reader, Caitliiiiiin Blaaaaaack!
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